How to Deal With a Narcissistic Parent

Children raised by a narcissistic parent often deal with a range of issues that can follow them through adulthood, including poor self-esteem, people pleasing, and codependency. Creating boundaries around a narcissistic parent is key to healing and moving forward.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition in which someone is extremely motivated by their own self-image and self-preservation. People with NPD often have a very high sense of self-importance, lack empathy, and will put themselves above the feelings of others, even their children.

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What to Do If You Have a Narcissistic Parent

The dynamic between child and parent can often be inherently challenging, and introducing a mental health condition such as NPD only compounds the issue. That said, there’s no “right” answer for how to deal with a narcissistic parent.

For some, this may mean completely eliminating or drastically limiting contact. For others, it may mean maintaining the relationship but stepping back emotionally. Here are some strategies to consider.

• Ceasing all contact: One way to deal with a narcissistic parent is to remove yourself from the relationship entirely. It’s a helpful option if you’ve already made many attempts to salvage the relationship with zero improvement, and you need to protect yourself. “If you feel that [the relationship] is negatively impacting your mental health—you are becoming fearful, depressed, or panicked during interactions—stop contact at least until you seek professional support for yourself and can come up with a game plan,” says Rachel Ruiz, LCSW,
• Limiting contact: Limited contact may mean getting together only on special occasions like a holiday or birthday, limiting the time you communicate via phone or text, or shortening visits. Having “buffer people” present when spending time with a narcissistic parent can help things go more smoothly, as can participating in an enjoyable activity. Planning self-care following a visit can also help you decompress.
• Maintaining communication: It’s OK to maintain communication with a narcissistic parent if that’s something you feel comfortable with. That said, whether you decide to move to limited contact or continue engaging per usual, it’s important to create some clear boundaries and adjust your mindset with a narcissistic parent.

How to Set Boundaries If You Stay in Contact

Here are some techniques and strategies that can help your interactions go more smoothly: 

• Reframe the relationship as different compared to others in your life. “You may not be able to share intimate thoughts and feelings, but you can still enjoy time together and appreciate the positive qualities of your parent,” says Ruiz.
• Recognize their illness. It’s easier said than done, but try to avoid absorbing hurtful words or actions from a narcissistic parent. This is a reflection of them and their illness, and what they say to you or how they act toward you isn’t rooted in reality. 
• Focus on what works in your interactions. Are they thoughtful with gifts? Do they appreciate getting a card in the mail? Do you have a shared interest? Focus on the parts of your relationship where you can connect in a meaningful way. 
• Be cautious when delivering feedback. Delivering criticism to a narcissistic parent can trigger a fight or outburst of narcissistic rage. Be aware that this reaction is possible and prepare yourself in advance. 
• Communicate clear boundaries. It’s OK to draw clearly defined boundaries around your relationship to create a sense of what’s acceptable and what’s not. For example, communicate that you retain the right to walk away or take a pause from the relationship when there’s an outburst, negative talk, character attacks, or other unhealthy behaviors. 
• Avoid the “who’s right or wrong” fight. “Don’t spend time deciding who’s right or wrong,” Ruiz cautions. “For example, if a narcissistic parent reneges on an agreement, you can say something like ‘Let’s avoid this in the future by communicating by email.'” In other scenarios, it may be best just to drop the conversation entirely. Decide in advance what you will go to bat for and what you are OK with letting go.
• Validate their feelings and quickly move on. It’s usually not worth getting into an argument with a narcissistic parent. For example, if they complain about someone after a family gathering, you can say something like, “That sounds upsetting. I want to hear more about what you liked about the event.”

How to Spot a Narcissistic Parent

It is sometimes hard to spot a narcissistic parent—especially narcissistic parents of young children who cannot express themselves—because they tend to control the image of their parenting very well. As the child gets older, though, signs often become more apparent. Ruiz says that in her experience, these are some of the most common behaviors of a narcissistic parent:

• Talking exclusively about themselves and their accomplishments as a parent
• Reminding you often about all the things they’ve done for you, especially in a way that’s manipulative or used as leverage in a situation
• Having consistently low tolerance when your needs get in the way of their own, which may result in anger outbursts or temper tantrums
• Dismissing when you communicate day-to-day struggles and redirecting the conversation back to themselves
• Making expectations a “moving target” so that it becomes almost impossible to satisfy them or earn their approval. Once you meet an expectation, another one is set without recognition of the accomplishment
• Taking the “spotlight” away from you when others give you attention or praise
• Being inattentive or detached
• Expecting you to adapt to their needs and schedule regardless of what’s going on in your life
• Demonstrating an inability to receive constructive criticism or feedback, or later denying having the discussion
• Being unable to apologize or take responsibility for their actions, even when you’ve brought up something that hurt or offended you
• Complaining often that you or others are the problem, instead of taking responsibility for hurtful actions
• Demonstrating a pattern of poor relationships with not just their children, but with others in their lives, including partners, colleagues, and friends

A Note About “Diagnosing” NPD in Others

Narcissism can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional following an assessment of someone’s biological, social, and psychological factors. That said, many people with narcissistic personality disorder won’t ever be formally diagnosed due to the nature of their condition.

“It can help to recognize when a parent may have NPD so you can understand how to interact with them,” says Ruiz. She adds, “The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) notes that NPD is a ‘pervasive pattern,’ so you would want to notice that these cues are ongoing and impact the overall quality of the relationship.”

How a Narcissistic Parent Might Affect You

Narcissistic parents consistently fail to engage in empathy or compassion with their children, which can have negative impacts that last into adulthood.

Fawn Response

Also referred to as “people pleasing,” fawning is one of the most common coping mechanisms people experience when raised by narcissistic parents. 

“Fawn response is when you appease the ‘threat’ by befriending them, so you can reduce the chance of becoming a target,” notes Ruiz. “Narcissistic parents are very difficult to please, and we all have a natural drive to gain approval from our parents.”

This can show up as an inability to say no without feeling guilt, being overly accommodating to the point your needs are neglected, and having poor boundaries.

Mimicking

It is also possible, while living with a narcissistic parent, to cope by mimicking the parent’s behavior. The child may attempt to make themselves just as important as the parent.

“This is completely understandable [because] it’s common to protect yourself with a ‘fight’ response, which can look like defensiveness or arguing,” says Ruiz. “Rest assured, it’s normal to get caught up in the narcissistic dynamic, and if you notice this happening, it may be a sign to take a break from interacting with the parent in order to get support for yourself.”

Poor Self-Esteem

A narcissistic parent’s behavior can greatly impact their child’s self-esteem. They may find it difficult to celebrate their achievements, experience “imposter syndrome,” have a difficult time making friends, and have negative thoughts about themselves. Some children of narcissistic parents also struggle with anxiety, sadness, and depression.

Key Takeaways

• Dealing with a narcissistic parent is extremely challenging. It requires strong boundaries and may mean limiting contact, ending contact altogether, or finding ways to protect your well-being if you stay in touch.
• Narcissistic parents often engage in pervasive patterns of control, manipulation, and lack of empathy that can affect self-esteem, self-worth, and emotional development.
• Whether you decide to cease the relationship or maintain it, remember to take care of yourself first. Also, know that you can love this person and care about them without bending over backwards to create a strong relationship.