How Narcissists Use Future Faking to Manipulate You Into a Relationship

You love your partner. They tell you they care about you. They share their hopes, dreams, and goals with you. They say they want to take you on big vacations! Buy a house together! Support you in every way you’ll ever need! The list goes on. But if they’re a narcissist, when the time comes to carry out those plans, all they have are excuses. You may hear phrases like:

• Oh, it’s not the right time.
• Let’s wait until we have a bit more money saved up.
• We’ll do it later down the road so that we can take some pressure off of us.

Following these excuses, they may change topics or talk about even bigger dreams. What gives? Do they actually want to share their life with you or are they faking a future to get what they want? Sadly, the latter could totally be true. So, we want you to be on the lookout!

Future faking is basically love-bombing on a grander scale. Narcissists may lure people into a relationship by promising the sun, moon, and stars. The adage “if it’s too good to be true, it probably is” rings true here. Future-fake is about manipulation to get something from you in the now—they aren’t actually thinking about the future. Fortunately, there are ways for you to spot future faking so that you don’t get roped into a relationship with a narcissist.

Future Faking’s False Promises

Future faking is when a person makes false promises about the future you will share together. Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist, professor, and writer in New York City explains that a future faker has no intention of fulfilling these promises, but wants you to believe they do. 

They want to manipulate you so you believe they are more invested in the relationship than they actually are.

Specifically, the narcissist feeds the other person lies based on what they believe the other so desperately wants which is most commonly a committed relationship

How Future Faking Hurts People

The narcissist will often make promises that align with our desire for connection or a long-term partner. For instance, they will fake a future to create the illusion of high investment, strong interest, or deep emotional ties. When someone’s future faking us, our perception of reality is distorted. 

“[We] are faced with the reality of not knowing the narcissist very well in contrast with the promises and future we strongly desire,” explains Dr. Romanoff. 

We Believe Them Because They Make Us Vulnerable

It’s especially hard for us to not believe their lies because they create a fantasy that reflects our heartfelt needs and desires. Dr. Romanoff says that this makes us vulnerable and susceptible to being taken advantage of by the narcissist since we believe we have a much deeper connection than we actually do.

Ricki Romm, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in New York who helps individuals and couples strengthen relationships and celebrate imperfections says that future faking is associated with narcissism when it’s used as a tactic to prevent rejection or abandonment, without regard for the pain it causes. Essentially, it’s insecurity coupled with callousness.

Although the cause of narcissism is unknown, research has shown that early life experiences such as abuse, excessive praise, trauma, genetics, and culture are associated with this type of behavior.

Examples of Future Faking

Here are some examples of future faking in romantic and non-romantic relationships.

• In a romantic relationship: Your partner talks nonstop about creating a future together. They want to rush you into making decisions with them physically and/or financially. For instance, they mention planning a trip with you, decorating your future home together, meeting their family or getting married. However, those events never happen.
• At your job: At work, your boss promises to give you a raise and/or promotion to keep you motivated and driven. However, as months go by, your hard work does not pay off.
• In your family: You confront your sister about her gossiping. She tells you she will change her behavior but has no intention of doing it. The next month, she’s talking behind your back again.

Do Narcissists Even Know When They’re Future Faking Us?

Some narcissists know and some don’t. It’s hard to say whether someone is doing that to us on purpose. A person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may not recognize their problematic behavior; even when you point it out to them, they will most likely refuse to believe you and avoid getting professional help.

“Repeatedly broken promises will also impact a relationship, but they don’t necessarily indicate the lack of empathy or deliberate deception that is a part of future faking,” explains Romm.

How Can Future Faking Impact Relationships?

We know if our partner has this type of behavior, it’s not looking good for us. Romm shares that there are two most notable consequences of future faking in a relationship:

Erosion of Trust and Communication

When someone chronically lies to us, it becomes impossible to believe them whether or not they are telling the truth. 

“[Future faking] can limit the available tools to strengthen our relationship because communication is meaningless without trust,” advises Romm.

Insecurity

When we’ve been lied to, we may feel critical of ourselves for being so trusting, or tell ourselves it is shameful that we were taken advantage of. 

Interestingly, future faking can impact the future faker’s self-esteem as well; they’ll never know if they could have built or maintained the relationship authentically.

Red Flags That May Indicate Future Faking

Future faking can be especially difficult to resist when the lies depict your most heartfelt desires. However, here are red flags to watch for in your relationship:

• They want to rush things with you physically and/or financially
• They make you feel like you’re in a fairytale when you’re with them and speak in a grandiose manner
• They talk about things that seem too good to be true
• They constantly don’t do what they say they will do
• They don’t take accountability when you confront them about their empty promises and lack of action
• They rarely apologize to you

How to Deal With Being Future Faked

So you might be suspecting that your partner is faking a future with you. Here are some tips to help you deal with it.

Honor Your Own Boundaries 

Clarifying your own needs is the first step to setting boundaries. Romm says that common relational needs might include connection, autonomy, communication, affection, etc. 

“Don’t accept behavior or engage in situations that ask you to put your needs aside now, regardless of what may be in the future,” advises Romm.

Dr. Romanoff shares that if they are constantly promising things to you at the moment and you’re feeling uncomfortable, change the conversation or ask to hold off on these promises and ideas if you don’t feel ready for them yet.

Trust Your Body

A part of you might be eager to believe that your partner really has your deepest desires at heart and will do the things they promised to do. However, your body may be able to tell another story. 

Look for Consistency 

Notice how consistent and reliable they are in everyday interactions, in the relationship with you and in the way they interact with others. Romm says to ask ourselves, “Does this person generally do what they say they will do?”

Romm advises us to not rush into major commitments or decisions in the early stages of a relationship. Give yourself time to get to know your partner, and to get to know yourself within the relationship. 

Dr. Romanoff adds that if you notice your partner is trying to rush things or talk you into taking the next steps that you’re not ready for, make sure to set your standards in the relationship and go at a pace you are comfortable with.

Space Out Your Dates

Space out your dates so the other person has the opportunity to follow through on their promises.