Examples and How to Cope

We know that interacting with a narcissist can be super challenging and draining. They repeatedly build you up and tear you down until you lose your confidence and start to question your self-worth. Eventually, you start to recognize how toxic the relationship is. You get fed up with their abuse and want out. This is the stage where hoovering typically comes in.

Hoovering, like the name suggests, is a type of behavior where the narcissist tries to suck you back into their life, much like a vacuum cleaner sucks up lint.

The Psychology Behind Narcissist Hoovering

We tapped Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, Chicago, to understand the psychology behind narcissistic hoovering.

When a narcissist senses that a relationship might be ending, they try to extend it by engaging in hoovering, says Dr. Daramus.

A lot of people will hoover a bit to put off a breakup, but with narcissists, they will go out of their way to find ways to keep you around so they can continue to get their emotional fix, Dr. Daramus explains. “If they’re getting sex, money, or hard work out of you, that’s added incentive to keep you around.”

Typical Behaviors of Narcissist Hoovering

Narcissistic hoovering involves many different types of manipulative behaviors, such as:

• Love bombing: The narcissist may suddenly love bomb you by showering you with affection, compliments, and gifts in an effort to reconnect with you.
• Apologies: The narcissist may apologize for past behavior, promise that things will be different, and present themselves as a totally changed person.
• Promises: The narcissist may make all sorts of false promises to try and get you to stay. For example, a narcissistic employer who wants to retain you might dangle promotions or raises that they don’t intend to follow through on, Dr. Daramus adds.
• Guilt trips: The narcissist may try to guilt trip you into staying in their life. For example, they may claim that you’re responsible for their happiness or that they can’t survive with you.
• Manipulation: They may use manipulation tactics to try to control you. For instance, Dr. Daramus says they might tell you no one else wants you, or they might borrow money from you just so you won’t cut ties with them until you’ve been paid off.
• Triangulation: The narcissist may involve a third party, such as a mutual friend or colleague, to convey their messages to you. Or, they may play the other person against you, to create a sense of competition for their attention.
• Threats: The narcissist may use threats to try to keep you from leaving them. For example, if you’re trying to divorce a narcissistic partner, they may threaten to ruin you financially or separate you from your children, says Dr. Daramus.

Why Narcissists Engage in Hoovering

These are some of thereasons why narcissists might engage in hoovering:

• Entitlement: Narcissists have an absurd sense of entitlement, to the extent that they even feel entitled to you, says Dr. Daramus. “They’re just defending what they feel is owed to them.”
• Need for control: Narcissists have a strong need for control and dominance in their relationships. Distancing yourself from them or ending a relationship with them threatens this sense of control. Hoovering is their attempt to regain control and bring you back under their influence.
• Fear of rejection: Narcissists often have an intense fear of rejection and abandonment. The idea of someone leaving them triggers deep feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in them. Hoovering is a way to prevent or reverse this rejection.
• Narcissistic supply: Narcissists feed on other’s attention and admiration. This is known as narcissistic supply. When you distance yourself from them, the narcissist may experience a shortage of this supply, so they may hoover in an attempt to restore it.
• Lack of accountability: If the narcissist has treated you badly, hoovering might be a strategy to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. By focusing on reconciliation, they divert attention away from the issues that led to the separation.
• Ego preservation: The narcissist’s fragile ego cannot easily tolerate rejection or the idea that you have moved on without them. Hoovering is an attempt to preserve their self-image.
• Lack of internal regulation: Narcissists often lack internal emotional regulation. They may feel a strong compulsion to fill an emotional void with external validation and hoovering is a way to temporarily alleviate their emotional distress.

Strategies to Resist or Respond to Narcissist Hoovering

There are many strategies that can help you resist or respond to narcissistic hoovering:

• Recognize the pattern: Remember that narcissistic abuse follows a cyclical pattern of repeated idealization and devaluation. The narcissist may shower you with praise, gifts, and apologies to suck you back into their life, but once you give in, they will eventually start to criticize you and pick on you. Though it can be tempting, stay strong and don’t give in to their persuasion.
• Establish boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and communicate them assertively. Make it known what behavior is acceptable to you and what is not.
• Protect your time and energy: You might feel the urge to try and mend the relationship by letting them know what your needs are, and while that’s fine, it’s important to set limits on your time and energy, says Dr. Daramus. For example, she says if you’ve told them twice what you need from them and they haven’t come through, accept that they’re not going to change.
• Detach yourself: The narcissist will try to control you emotionally. Try to remain emotionally detached so their words and actions don’t affect you. 
• Keep your distance: Keep your distance from the person, so you don’t get sucked into their hoovering attempts. A little space can give you room to heal and reduce the impact of their attempts to manipulate or control you.
• Don’t give them anything: Avoid giving the narcissist anything. Don’t do them any favors or lend them any money if they haven’t paid you back, says Dr. Daramus. Otherwise, they will continue to use you to meet their needs.
• Document their actions: Keep a record of their manipulative behavior. This documentation can be useful in case you need evidence to support legal or protective measures.
• Remember that it’s not your fault: People often think that they have something wrong with them that attracts narcissists and manipulators, says Dr. Daramus. She explains that narcissists approach everyone, looking for someone vulnerable. “It is never your fault or due to a flaw in you. It’s a flaw in the narcissist.”

Help and Support

The support of loved ones can be very helpful at this time. Reach out to friends and family members who can provide emotional and practical support. Staying close to people who actually have your best interests at heart can help you stay strong.

If you’re having trouble coping, consider seeking the help of a mental health professional. Dr. Daramus recommends looking for a coach or therapist with a specialty in narcissism.

Additionally, educating yourself about narcissism and its effects can help you understand the relationship dynamic and cope with it better.