Thinking about dating a Japanese woman? Before you dive in, you NEED to know these 3 important things! Watch till the end …
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What to Know About Breadcrumbing and How to Spot it
Key Takeaways
- Breadcrumbing means someone gives you small bits of attention without real interest.
- Be direct and tell them how their actions make you feel.
- Remember, you deserve better and should not accept the bare minimum.
Breadcrumbing means someone leads another person on by dropping small tidbits of interest—such as social media interactions, occasional messages, or brief phone calls. These interactions are intended to suggest the person is still interested, but they occur sporadically, and there is generally no intention of following through.
Sometimes referred to as “Hansel and Gretelling,” the term is derived from the idea of leaving behind a trail of breadcrumbs for someone to find what they’re looking for, much like in the children’s story.
Breadcrumbing has become an all-too-common form of manipulation in the dating world, especially with the rise of online and app-centric dating.
Breadcrumbing vs. Gaslighting
While it may sound a lot like gaslighting, and while they both are forms of manipulation in relationships, they are not the same thing. That said, the same personality types can perpetrate both. While breadcrumbing is, in essence, “leading someone on,” gaslighting is the deliberate attempt to blur someone’s concept of reality, which causes the victim to question their judgment and perceptions.
Breadcrumbing can lead to hurt feelings and sleepless nights. Still, it’s not as directly manipulative as gaslighting, which alienates the victim from friends and themselves with the intent to control. Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist with a private practice in New York City, explains that breadcrumbing and gaslighting “are similar in that they make the victim doubt and question their own perspective and the other person’s intentions.”
Breadcrumbing
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Involves a small-but-inconsistent supply of interest that keeps someone feeling as though there is the potential for more
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Causes someone to question whether the person actually cares about them
Gaslighting
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Involves a person actively trying to make someone question their perception of reality
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Its goal is to convince a person that their thoughts are wrong, which works to erode their confidence and ability to make clear judgments
Romanoff explains that both of these manipulation tactics involve using emotionally relevant information against another. They are also both tactics that people use to exert power and control in relationships.
Signs of Breadcrumbing
While not all of these may be happening at once, breadcrumbing usually consists of some combination of these actions by the perpetrator:
- Inability to make or commit to plans: This is a classic example of breadcrumbing. In this instance, the perpetrator, or breadcrumber, will entertain the idea of meeting up for a date activity such as a movie, dinner, or just to hang out in person, but will never pin down an exact date to do so. That said, they’ll often feign enthusiasm as they suggest a later date—think of texts like, “That sounds fun! Maybe next week!” Moreover, if plans to hang out fall through, you’ll notice that the breadcrumber will be vague when it comes to finding a date for a raincheck.
- Microcommunication: This is where the act of breadcrumbing gets its name. The microcommunication is not a complete lack of association nor is it ignoring or blowing someone off. Instead, microcommunication is dropping small, exclusively digital, bits of communication or acknowledgment, sometimes as small as commenting with emojis on Instagram posts or stories. In essence, doing the bare minimum to maintain a semblance of a relationship without investing much time or effort.
- Hot and cold flashes: The whole point of breadcrumbing is not just the sporadic communication. The small bits of communication and connection, the breadcrumbs, give the recipient the false hope of a potential relationship or greater commitment. Often these can manifest as moments of brief connection where the recipient feels seen and appreciated, followed inevitably by periods where the recipient will feel and be ignored.
- Consider communication times: Romanoff explains that one way to spot breadcrumbing is to notice when someone is reaching out. For example, if someone is only texting late at night when they’re at their loneliest and potentially only seeking a hook-up.
- They feign thoughtfulness: This is a common tactic used to string people along. Romanoff gives the example of a breadcrumber checking in on someone’s day or following up about something specific. Then, once the recipient responds, they may not message them back for days, or they may respond with an answer that is short and surface-level.
- There’s no effort to explain themselves: Even after absences, breadcrumbers typically make no effort to explain themselves or consider the recipient’s feelings.
Why People Breadcrumb
Unfortunately, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all explanation for breadcrumbing behavior. The underlying causes for each instance can be as varied as the relationships in which they occur. However, there are common rewards that breadcrumbers are probably seeking out:
- Self-esteem: Unfortunately for the victims, the breadcrumbers may only be engaging with them to make themselves feel better. They do this by using their interactions with someone who is interested in them as a pick-me-up when they’re feeling low.
- Validation: The breadcrumber can use the attention from their victims as a sort of currency on the dating market. The knowledge that someone is into them, even if the feelings aren’t reciprocated, can go a long way to boosting someone’s confidence.
- Immaturity: The breadcrumber may not be ready to settle down and commit to one person. If this is the case, they might enjoy the feelings brought on by having the real potential for a relationship, but struggle with the idea of actually committing to one. Therefore, they keep the option available to themselves but never act on it in a meaningful way. In doing so, there is a failure to communicate about their availability and intentions with honesty and integrity, fearing doing so would result in fewer options.
- Emotional discomfort: Breadcrumbers are often conflict and confrontation-averse and tend to avoid negative or stressful interactions. This includes sharing and expressing emotional interest in another person. It’s important to remember that this is all a result of self-centered fears (rejection, commitment, etc).
- Keeping in touch: This is possibly the most difficult example of breadcrumbing to identify as it often occurs post-breakup. In this case, the breadcrumber themselves might even believe that they’re only checking in on a former partner. In fact, they are retaining some beneficial part of the relationship for themselves and inhibiting their former partner from moving on.
- Narcissism: Serial breadcrumbers have been found to have personalities that are associated with elevated levels of narcissism. This can lead to them showing very little regard for the feelings of those around them, and having no remorse for others’ hurt feelings. This is true even if they (and sometimes they aren’t) are aware that they’re manipulating people for temporary and shallow personal gains.
Impact of Breadcrumbing
Romanoff explains that one of the darkest aspects of breadcrumbers is that they typically exert their power on people who they know have strong feelings for them. This often results in the other person suppressing their own needs in order to preserve their attachment to the breadcrumber, as unfulfilling as painful as it may be.
“Over time, it could cause people to lower their standards and learn that they must accept the bare minimum of love or attention that is provided by others,” says Romanoff.
Tips to Deal With Breadcrumbing
Although it’s often present in fantasy, there is no solution like a love potion that would just get your breadcrumber to give you the attention you crave. Fortunately, though, the solutions to dealing with breadcrumbing all come from within. Romanoff shared some tips for those who are dealing with a breadcrumber.
- Consider the alternative: If you’re feeling breadcrumbed, while it can feel hard to move on, it can also be helpful to focus on the alternative. Romanoff suggests that people focus on “what could be gained by not engaging with this person and all of the energy you will preserve by not having to wonder how they really feel about you and instead find someone who makes you feel secure.”
- Be direct: Let the person know how their communication style and actions make you feel. “Let them know the impact of their behaviors and ask for what you want: to be treated like a priority and a person they value,” says Romanoff.
- Don’t reinforce bad behavior: It’s OK not to respond if the breadcrumber is only sending superficial texts late at night. In fact, if you continue to respond, it reinforces their behavior.
- Teach others how to treat you: This is perhaps the most important point that Romanoff makes. She encourages people to “decide for yourself what you are willing to tolerate, and don’t accept anything less.”
- Remember your worth: Remind yourself that you don’t need to beg for afterthoughts, scraps, or crumbs. You deserve focused and prioritized attention and care. As you start saying ‘no’ to breadcrumbing and prioritizing yourself with greater care and honoring, you will attract others who will treat you similarly in kind.
What This Means For You
As with all aspects of dating in the digital world, being breadcrumbed can be an incredibly difficult and heartbreaking experience. Now that you have greater awareness around how to recognize it, hopefully you can cut off or let go of a breadcrumber, and make and protect space for yourself and your needs—whether that’s on your own or exploring possibilities with someone else.
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Fawning: The People-Pleasing Trauma Response
Key Takeaways
- Fawning is a trauma response where someone tries to please others to avoid harm.
- It can make a person overly cooperative and cause them to ignore their own needs.
- Therapy can help by addressing the trauma and teaching new coping skills.
You may have heard of the four fear responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. “Fawning” refers to when an individual copes with a perceived danger by attempting to appease whoever is causing the danger in order to prevent them from causing harm.
Sometimes, trauma and abuse survivors will fawn in response to their abuse in an effort to keep the abuser happy. While abuse is never the victim’s fault, victims may feel responsible for their abuser’s behavior and fawn in an attempt to prevent abusive behavior.
Fawning can also appear as compliance to prevent harm. For example, if an individual knows their attacker will harm them physically if they fight back, they may comply in order to protect themselves. This does not mean that they consented to abuse or assault; it simply means they were trying to prevent the situation from escalating.
What Does Fawning Look Like?
Fawning is sometimes referred to as “people-pleasing.” When someone is fawning, they may appear overly cooperative or helpful, sometimes to their own detriment. They might minimize or fully deny their own needs, struggle to say “no” even to unreasonable requests, or agree with those around them even if this does not reflect their real feelings or values.
Most people engage in people-pleasing behavior from time to time. For example, if your boss makes a request that you do not want to do, you might say that you are happy to help, especially if that request is part of your job responsibilities.
However, people who fawn may be unable to stop the people-pleasing behavior at other times and may neglect their own needs in extreme and unhealthy ways. Additionally, while you might comply with your employer because you prefer to keep your job, a person who is fawning may experience significant fear or anxiety about what would happen if they do not keep those around them happy.
When someone has a fawning response, they might struggle to even recognize their own feelings and needs. They often look to those around them rather than trusting their own emotional response. They likely struggle with healthy boundaries as well.
Examples of Fawning
Like other fear and trauma responses, fawning can look many different ways. Additionally, some behaviors may be a fawning response in some contexts but may also be healthy in others. A fawning reaction occurs specifically when the individual is afraid of the response or backlash if they do not keep others happy. Some examples of fawning include:
- Difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships
- Making decisions based on what others want rather than your own needs
- Agreeing with others’ preferences rather than indicating your own
- Becoming involved in conflict in an attempt to de-escalate, even if you are not involved in the situation
- Holding yourself responsible for other people’s behavior
What Kind of Trauma Causes Fawning?
There is no one correct way to respond to fear, abuse, and trauma. Two people may respond to similar stressors in very different ways. Additionally, someone who has a fawning response in one situation may engage in a flight or freeze response in another situation.
People who perpetrate abuse are not typically abusive in every situation and interaction. In fact, the cycle of abuse consists of a “honeymoon” period when the abuser may be overly caring towards their victim and periods of calm when abusive behavior is not present. This can cause the victim to feel that, if they just behaved the right way, the cycle would end, and the abuser would remain in the calm or “honeymoon” phases of the relationship all the time.
Abusive people also often control their victims’ behavior, finances, and interpersonal relationships, forcing the victim to rely on them. If the abuser engages in gaslighting, the victim may feel that they cannot trust their own perception, increasing their reliance on the abuser. These patterns and cycles of behavior can cause a trauma bond, or when a victim feels love and attachment to their abuser, often to the point that they protect or defend the abuser from the consequences of their behavior.
Due to these patterns, fawning responses often occur in the context of an abusive relationship, including children who are abused by parents or guardians or intimate partner violence.
Fawning is not exclusive to relationships, though. If someone finds themselves in an unsafe situation, such as an abduction or an assault, they may fawn to try and minimize harm from the assailant. It is important to remember that a fawning is an unconscious automatic protective response and is not the cause of abuse or harmful behavior.
If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates. You also can text LOVEIS to 22522 as well. The advocates who volunteer with these organizations have been trained in how to assist people who need help escaping from abusive situations. It’s likely they can help you identify additional ways to stay safe.
You need to know that you are not alone and there are people always available to assist you.
For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
What Does It Mean If Someone Is Fawning?
Since fawning is a response to perceived danger, if someone is fawning, they typically have a history of abuse and are trying to maintain a sense of safety. In the past, fawning behavior may have effectively kept them safer at the moment abuse was taking place. When a behavior keeps us safe (or when we believe a behavior keeps us safe), we are more likely to engage in that behavior again in the future.
Perceived danger does not necessarily equal actual danger. If someone is fawning, it does not mean they are presently at risk for abuse; they may be re-enacting previous behaviors that kept them safe.
How Can I Stop Fawning?
Since fawning is a trauma response, it can help address the underlying traumatic events or relationships that caused the response to develop. A therapist can help with this. Many different therapies can help with trauma, including eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT), and creative arts therapies.
When you have not been able to acknowledge your own needs, it can take time to develop insight and even realize what they are. Take time to consider your preferences and values, and get to know your authentic self. Since fawning likely helped you survive in the past, it can take time to unlearn this skill when it no longer serves you and learn more appropriate ways of dealing with perceived dancer.
How Can I Support Someone Who Is Fawning?
It can be difficult to address fawning responses because many nervous systems find them helpful. For example, a child who is fawning in school is often labeled as “helpful,” “considerate,” or “a delight to have in class.” Teachers might not even realize they are reinforcing a fear response. Learn to recognize when someone is fawning so that you can support them in their efforts to let go of this response.
You might feel defensive if you realize that a loved one is engaging in a fear response. You might think you are a safe person, and therefore they should not feel the need to fawn. Remember that trauma responses persist even after the trauma has ended, so their fawning response may have nothing to do with you. Work with your loved one to reassure them it is ok for them to express their needs.
If the person who is fawning is your romantic partner or a family member, couples therapy or family therapy might help open up healthy communication and teach you skills to support your loved one on their healing journey.
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10 Must Know Tips for First Date Success #datingtips #dateideas #firstdate #dating
Video Link (Full)- https://youtu.be/wDu6AWpZLbk 10 Must Know Tips for First Date Success #datingtips #dateideas #firstdate …
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Managing Psychogenic Fever
We know that too much stress is never a good thing. It keeps us up at night, makes us feel drained and affects our relationships with friends and family. In fact, stress can actually lead to a fever. Here’s what you need to know about psychogenic fever.
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Understanding Psychogenic Fever
Psychogenic fever is a psychosomatic condition where a person experiences an increase in body temperature (fever) without any underlying medical cause. Instead, the fever is believed to be triggered by psychological factors, such as stress, anxiety, or emotional distress. This is just one of many ways that your mental and physical health can interact.
One study looked at the age distribution and gender differences of psychogenic fever in Japan. It showed that the highest number of cases occurred for 13-year-olds. The study found that psychogenic fever is more common among females. Although adolescents are more likely to experience psychogenic fever, it also occurs among adults.
Causes and Symptoms of Psychogenic Fever
Annie Miller, a licensed psychotherapist and the owner and founder of DC Metro Sleep and Psychotherapy with significant training in brain and psychologically-based symptoms explained that psychogenic fever stems from our complex mind-body connection.
Psychogenic symptoms are where psychological stressors manifest as physical symptoms such as fatigue, insomnia, nausea, headache, abdominal pain, and even as an unexplained fever. Anxiety, trauma, and emotional distress can all contribute to the onset of psychogenic fever episodes.
What’s the Difference Between Psychogenic Fever and Regular Fevers?
Liz Hughes, MEd, LPCC, founder and therapist of Mind Body Therapy shared key differences that distinguish a psychogenic fever as it relates to causes and symptoms.
Psychogenic fever is typically caused by emotional distress whereas more commonly fever is associated with an infection or other physical health condition. In addition, symptoms of a psychogenic fever generally do not occur with other typical symptoms of fever such as muscle aches, sweating and chills.
Dr. Julia Kogan, PsyD, a health psychologist with a background in neuropsychology and a specialty in chronic stress, sleep, and health behaviors explains that the key factor that distinguish a psychogenic fever is the absence of an infection or other organic or inflammatory cause of the elevated body temperature.
Fever usually is related to an inflammatory process in the body regulated by the immune system. This can be related to a viral or bacterial infection, certain medications, vaccines, specific inflammatory conditions, and other medical issues.
A psychogenic fever is one in which the general core body temperature is also higher than expected but there is no associated infection, virus, or illness to explain it and is thought to be related to stress.
“The main differentiator will be the presence of an inflammatory process in the body that is causing the fever. If testing has ruled out any condition, infection, medication or other common fever source, then it is more likely associated with a psychogenic fever,” explained Dr. Kogan.
Lastly, Dr. Kogan shared that common anti-inflammatory drugs will generally help to reduce most fevers. However, research has shown that these medications generally do not help to reduce psychogenic fevers, while psychotropic medications, therapy, and other forms of stress reduction can.
How Does Stress Cause a Fever?
Dr. Kogan explained that it isn’t fully understood how stress leads to psychogenic fever. More research is still needed on this topic in humans; however, animal studies suggest that in some individuals the stress response induces the sympathetic nervous system to activate brown adipose tissue. One of the functions of brown adipose tissue (a type of body fat) is to maintain our temperature in cold environments.
Psychological factors such as anxiety, fear, or emotional distress may contribute to the development of psychogenic fever
Miller says that mechanisms underlying psychogenic fever involve intricate interactions between the brain and the body.
“When under significant psychological stress, the brain activates the sympathetic nervous system, leading to the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones can then influence the hypothalamus, which regulates body temperature, leading to a rise in temperature characteristic of psychogenic fever,” explains Miller.
How Do You Get Rid of Psychogenic Fever?
It’s difficult to know how long a psychogenic fever will last. Some people will experience a high fever of up to 105.8°F (41°C) after a stressful event. Others who experience chronic stress may develop a persistent low-grade fever between 98.6°F and 100.4°F (37–38°C) that can last months or even years.
Address Underlying Factors
The best way to get rid of a psychogenic fever is to address the underlying cause.
A 2015 study discussed the case of a 15-year-old female who developed a high psychogenic fever of up to 105.8°F (41°C) only on school days. Upon returning home, her fever would disappear. She had no signs of inflammation. During an interview, the student revealed she was having a difficult time at school due to classmates who were bullying her friend. After she changed schools, her psychogenic fever went away.
Adopt Coping Strategies and Self-Care Practices
Miller shared it’s essential to address underlying psychological stressors and practice self-compassion. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and deep breathing exercises, can help you tune into your body and calm the nervous system.
“You can train yourself to tune into your symptoms with a sense of calm, rather than fear or distress. For instance, reminding yourself that the fever isn’t dangerous, and you can relax, which reduces the stress around the symptoms themselves,” advised Miller.
Use a Holistic Approach
Our mind and body are intimately connected. Treating our minds well can create a positive impact on our bodies and vice versa. Dr. Kogan emphasized that a holistic and well-rounded approach to managing acute and chronic stress is not only important for reducing psychogenic fever in those susceptible to it, but also mitigating other negative impacts of stress on the body.
According to Dr. Kogen, a holistic approach includes practicing deep relaxation, addressing any unhelpful and anxious thoughts that contribute to high stress, and addressing lifestyle factors contributing to high stress, including quality sleep, balanced eating, exercising, and having stress outlets.
Seek Health Professional Support
It’s important for individuals experiencing recurrent or persistent unexplained fevers to consult with a healthcare professional for proper evaluation and management.
“If you are experiencing any type of fever, I would first recommend visiting your primary care doctor to rule out organic causes of the fever. Your doctor can support you in deciding which resources would be best once an organic cause is ruled out, such as relaxation techniques, CBT therapy, and stress management techniques,” advises Hughes.
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Can Trauma Lurking Help You Heal? What the Experts Say
Key Takeaways
- “Trauma lurking” is a term that comes from internet culture and describes the act of watching or reading others’ trauma stories online without actively engaging with them.
- Some people find comfort and validation in learning about other people’s traumatic experiences.
- Experts caution that trauma lurking can worsen trauma symptoms if the practice becomes compulsive or replaces active coping.
Do you often find yourself scrolling through candid confessions on #TraumaTok or reading Reddit threads about strangers spilling their emotional struggles? You may be “trauma lurking.” Don’t worry, we’ve all been there.
Trauma lurking is the act of quietly seeking out stories of other people’s traumatic experiences, typically on social media or online forums, without actively interacting with them. It’s like the version of eavesdropping on someone’s emotional outpouring from the next table in a café, while pretending to stare into your coffee mug.
So why do we feel drawn to it? And more importantly, can trauma lurking help us heal or make things worse? Here’s what the experts say.
Why Do We Trauma Lurk?
We may feel drawn to trauma stories because we hope to see parts of our own experience reflected in them. Finding commonality in those stories could bring comfort. Trauma lurking may feel like a helpful way to process your own experiences and learn coping skills vicariously. Seeing others openly share their experiences may also minimize any feelings of shame and guilt associated with your trauma.
“Reading about others’ experiences has majorly helped me process what happened to me,” says Grace from Wisconsin, who likes to read Reddit threads about other people’s experiences with emotional abuse.
“Emotional abuse can be so disorienting and reality-bending. Reading about others’ experiences made me feel validated for all the confusion, grief, and anger I felt and lifted a lot of the shame that I felt was keeping me stuck and afraid,” Grace explains. “I have screenshotted many conversations and look back at them to feel more sure of myself and my experience.”
From a clinical perspective, people may engage in trauma lurking when unresolved trauma is present in their own lives, says Allison Briggs, LPC, a licensed professional counselor specializing in trauma and PTSD.
Hearing similar storylines to our own can trigger traumatic memories. Briggs says trauma memories are stored not just in the brain but throughout the body, and can manifest in various emotional and physical reactions.
Signs You May Be Trauma Lurking
The behavior can take on many forms. You may be trauma lurking if you:
- Watch hours of reels or short videos about people’s traumatic experiences.
- Crave all the details when you hear someone discovered their partner was cheating.
- You love reading subreddits about breakups, family fallouts, toxic workplaces, and other personal struggles.
- You’re a reality TV superfan.
When Trauma Lurking Becomes Unhealthy
Trauma lurking is a common behavior, and it’s rooted in natural human instincts like survival and social comparison, says Yuki Shida, LMFT, a licensed therapist specializing in intergenerational and childhood trauma. However, it can sometimes spiral out of control and impair your ability to function.
According to Shida, trauma lurking can cause a phenomenon called “vicarious trauma.” You may experience it if you have a stressful response to hearing the details of a traumatic event that happened to someone else.
“If some of the elements hit too close to home, you may suddenly respond the same way you did when you were experiencing the trauma, which can include dissociation and emotional distress,” Shida explains.
If you catch yourself trauma lurking, check in on yourself to see if it’s negatively impacting your emotions, says Briggs. If the habit leads to intrusive thoughts or makes you feel anxious, withdrawn, irritable, or numb, it’s time to pause and redirect your attention toward more intentional coping strategies, she says.
What to Do Instead
If you catch yourself trauma lurking and it starts to feel unproductive, these steps can help shift your focus in the moment:
- Grounding techniques: Shida suggests bringing yourself to the present by counting nearby objects—like ceiling tiles or trees—or listing and categorizing items, perhaps by color or texture.
- Visualization: Visualize and mentally describe a familiar, safe place in as much detail as possible.
- Progressive muscle relaxation: Tense a group of muscles tightly for a few seconds, then completely relax them. “Move through different muscle groups in your body like your legs, arms, and torso,” Shida recommends.
- Controlled breathing: Licensed clinical psychologist Katie Carhart, PhD, recommends calming the nervous system with mindful breathing exercises like box breathing, 4-7-8 breathing, and pursed lip breathing.
- Vagus nerve stimulation: Stimulating the vagus nerve can help relax your nervous system from a state of hyperarousal, reducing anxiety and overwhelm. Dr. Carhart recommends splashing cold water on your face, holding an ice cube, or humming a song.
Managing a counterproductive trauma-lurking habit may require more intentional healing,
- Social support: Connect with friends, loved ones, a therapist, or others who listen without judgment and make you feel safe to express yourself. “Simply having someone else acknowledge and validate you can help you feel less alone and more understood,” Shida says.
- Self-compassion: Create a safe internal environment for growth and healing. Go easy on yourself and hold space for your feelings without judgment.
- Self-education: Learn about your nervous system and trauma responses. Briggs says doing so can reduce fear and shame and help you respond to triggers more intentionally.
- Therapy: Work with a therapist who is trained in treating trauma. Certain therapy types, like eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) and somatic therapies, can be especially effective, says Briggs.
Remember that healing isn’t linear. If old symptoms resurface, try to meet them with curiosity rather than shame. “You’re not going backward, you may just be reaching a deeper layer of healing that wasn’t accessible before,” Shida assures.
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“Biggest Dating Culture Shocks About Japanese Girls 💌 Japan Dating Tips”
Dating in Japan can be full of surprises . From avoiding PDA to group dates and unique texting styles, Japanese girls have their …
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‘Why Is Life So Hard?’ How to Cope When You Feel This Way
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Key Takeaways
- Rest can help your mind become clear and creative, aiding your well-being.
- Seek therapy for support so you can better manage your hardships.
- Finding a community can prevent loneliness and support your health.
There’s no denying that life can feel truly overwhelming these days. If you’re feeling like the challenges you’re facing are too much, you’re certainly not alone.
As of 2020, 65% of adults in the United States stated they were stressed, specifically by the current circumstances in our country. That’s 2 in 3 adults, meaning the majority of folks are feeling pretty uncertain about their life and future.
In the 2023 version of that same survey, the majority of participants placed their stress levels between a 5 and a 10 on a scale of 1-10. Everyone seems to be a bit stressed out for one reason or another, largely due to the ongoing fallout from the COVID-19 pandemic and general anxiety about security and the future.
And, likely, your stressors aren’t even related to current societal issues, but they could be exacerbated by them. Life is inevitably hard at times and is full of ups and downs, but if you’re feeling like your life is consistently difficult, this article is for you.
We’ll explore the factors that contribute to personal hardship, societal issues that don’t help, strategies for overcoming life’s challenges, and how to find meaning amid chaos.
Why Is Everything So Much Harder For Me?
You might find yourself pondering why everything feels so hard. Perhaps you’re comparing yourself to your peers and are noticing that they don’t seem to be experiencing the same level of anguish. There can be many reasons for this.
First, everyone’s journey is different. Just because your peers don’t seem to be struggling right now, they may be facing challenges privately. Alternatively, they may simply be in a different season of life than you. The phrase comparison is the thief of joy holds some weight in this situation, so the best way to begin to get back on track is to keep your eyes on your own paper.
If anything, the fact that things are feeling hard in the face of change can be an indicator that you’re working to change your behavior and that is a process that, by design, isn’t easy.
There’s a myriad of factors that can contribute to life feeling singularly harder for us than for others. First, we may be in a developmental phase of our life that involves a big change—because change, even under the best of circumstances, is seldom easy. This could be going away to college, changing jobs, getting married, having children, getting divorced, or even having your adult children move out. Part of why change is so hard is because it involves us changing our behavior.
Research shows that changing our behavior isn’t a linear process. Instead, it is one full of clumsy starts and stops, leaps in progress only to regress to former behaviors quickly. Don’t let this discourage you. If anything, the fact that things are feeling hard in the face of change can be an indicator that you’re working to change your behavior and that is a process that, by design, isn’t easy. This all being said, let’s dig deeper into how there are how personal challenges and societal factors are adding to the difficulties of life.
Acknowledging the Impact of Personal Challenges
We’d be remiss to speak about this feeling of life being extraordinarily difficult without acknowledging how personal challenges impact hardship. We all have different circumstances that can increase the intensity of our hardships.
The first is familial dysfunction. If you’re a survivor of childhood trauma, knee-deep in navigating problematic relationships with family members, or are estranged from family, this can feel profoundly challenging. Not only can these factors lead to feelings of loneliness and shame—they can also spike jealousy if you notice those around you have strong familial support.
Another circumstance that can increase the intensity of life feeling hard is interpersonal issues. For example, you may be navigating a break-up or have lost someone you loved. Alternatively, you may find yourself gridlocked in conflict with your boss.
We need—and thrive—in community. Without community, we may suffer from social isolation or loneliness. Turns out, social isolation and loneliness can even contribute to adverse health outcomes. A recent study found loneliness in older adults to lead to poor sleep, and metabolic, neural, and hormonal issues.
Finally, you might be in crisis, suffering from addiction, abuse, poverty, or chronic illness. These factors cannot be overlooked and inevitably make life feel extraordinarily challenging. We have strategies to support you in this difficult season of life, but first, we need to acknowledge how society may be contributing to how you feel.
Exploring Societal and External Factors
We are coming off the heels of a pandemic into economic turmoil and ongoing oppressive policies that suppress the rights of BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ communities. For those living with chronic illness, the concept of the pandemic being finished may be infuriating, since COVID-19 is an ongoing threat to the immunocompromised.
Financial stressors have only been exacerbated by looming student loans, economic inflation, and whispers of a recession underway. The suppression of civil rights might have you fearing for the safety of yourself and your loved ones.
Alegria Louise Demeestere, LMFT
Our culture has a maddening habit of blaming problems on individuals instead of the larger systems those individuals operate in…For any problem we are trying to address, it’s important to look at the systemic causes
— Alegria Louise Demeestere, LMFT
Such societal factors can be traumatic and lead to life feeling exponentially more difficult. Do not internalize these factors as a personal failure. It is hard to avoid sickness when navigating chronic illness. It can feel impossible to get ahead financially when facing the effects of a recession. It isn’t reasonable to expect yourself to feel full of energy and ready to make big changes when you feel unsafe.
“Our culture has a maddening habit of blaming problems on individuals instead of the larger systems those individuals operate in,” explains licensed marriage and family therapist Alegria Louise Demeestere. She continues by expressing the importance of pointing the finger at the collective systems we’re in, not at yourself or fellow community members. “For any problem we are trying to address, it’s important to look at the systemic causes,” she asserts.
What to Do When Life Gets Hard
So, perhaps you know why life is feeling hard. Now it is time to consider what can help when feeling this way.
It’s common to feel full of rage when you’re in this headspace. In fact, it may even feel like you’ve hit your breaking point and are deeply angry. “Your anger is trying to tell you something,” muses Demeestere. “When you become curious about your anger, you are less likely to take it out on others or try to numb it through compulsions and addictions,” she explains.
When we can face our anger head on without any distractions, we can use the energy to propel ourselves forward, past difficulties and beyond.
Rest
While it may feel counterintuitive to some, Demeestere strongly encourages rest when navigating life’s hardships. Not only is rest a powerful antidote to our culture of constantly needing to perform, do, and take action—even in the midst of hardship—it also can do wonders for our well-being.
“When your mind is well-rested, it becomes more clear and creative,” shares Demeestere. With this clarity and creativity comes the ability to take action that benefits others, your community, and yourself.
Get Support
Additionally, consider seeking out extra support. While therapy won’t take away the hardships you’re up against, it will help you navigate them. You don’t have to go it alone.
If you’re a person of color seeking therapy, consider checking out Inclusive Therapists, Therapy for Black Girls, Therapy for Black Men, or Latinx Therapy.
Member of the LGBTQIA+ community? Check out the National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network. If you’re concerned about affording therapy, Inclusive Therapists, the Loveland Foundation, and the National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network all offer therapy funds. Open Path Collective is an online platform that offers sessions from $30 to $70 per session.
Do Your Own Investigating
Next up, get to reading. If you’re looking to dig into self-compassion, check out No Bad Parts by Richard C. Schwartz. Want to do a deep dive into matters of the heart? All About Love by bell hooks may be the soothing balm you’re looking for.
Demeestere cites Tricia Hersey of the Nap Ministry’s Rest is Resistance and adrienne maree brown’s Pleasure Activism as two texts that strongly inform her thoughts regarding hardship, anger, and coping.
Digging into the ways of living a creative life can be profoundly supportive and some of the best art comes from heartbreak. Check out Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert to dive deeper into your creative muscle.
If you’re struggling to meet your basic needs, there may be support in your area. Check out your area’s social services offerings to see if there are provisions for food, clothing, and even vocational training. Should you be in a crisis and need support immediately, call 988 to get connected to mental health care in your area.
Things You Can Do in the Moment
All of these tools will be helpful when implemented as longer term strategies, but sometimes when you’re spiraling you just need something you can do right away. This could include calling a friend or loved one, spend some time outside, do something to move your body and get yourself out of your head, do some breathing exercises or yoga, or recite some self-supportive affirmations.
Finding Meaning and Moving Forward
It isn’t easy navigating the painful ups and downs of life. Yet, there can be meaning in the challenges you experience. In fact, some therapy modalities specifically look at how your past is shaping your present, making meaning out of the hardships you’ve overcome. No one should ever have to hurt as a way to gain wisdom and no one should be subject to abuse, poverty, and systemic oppression.
Consider how you can use your anger, frustration, and sadness to propel yourself forward. Make art that moves others, consider how you can be the helping hand you need to another person, and dig into the storytelling of your life. Imagine what story you want to tell with this current chapter and then write the ending you long for.
Why Panic Attacks and Anxiety Cause Shortness of Breath
Key Takeaways
- Shortness of breath during a panic attack is part of the body’s fight-or-flight response.
- Breathing slowly through your nose and exhaling can help manage shortness of breath.
- Practice relaxation techniques when calm to prepare for panic attacks.
During a panic attack or sudden anxiety episode, the fight-or-flight response is activated, which can lead to an intense cascade of uncomfortable symptoms, including shortness of breath and hyperventilation. Whether you have had a single panic attack or have been diagnosed with panic disorder, experiencing shortness of breath can feel incredibly unsettling and frightening.
A better understanding of shortness of breath and its link to panic attacks and anxiety may help you or a loved one find appropriate resources, support, and strategies that aim to reduce and/or eliminate symptoms.
Breathing Characteristics of a Panic Attack
Shortness of breath and hyperventilation are intimately connected. When you feel shortness of breath, you may breathe faster, which can lead to hyperventilation—and, in turn, hyperventilation can trigger or worsen shortness of breath. You may also experience other symptoms of a panic attack or panic disorder during this time.
Shortness of breath. When experiencing a change in your breathing pattern during a panic attack, you may experience dyspnea or shortness of breath. You may feel as if:
- You are gasping for air (known as “air hunger“)
- Your breathing feels shallow and restricted; you have to force yourself to take a deep breath
- You feel as if you are choking or being suffocated
- You may feel restriction or tightness in your chest
Hyperventilation. In addition to experiencing shortness of breath, you might experience over-breathing or hyperventilation, which can have the following effects:
- Your breathing pace is quicker than usual, and it is challenging to slow down
- Rapid breathing decreases the carbon dioxide in your blood
- You may feel confused and out of it
- You may experience symptoms of faintness, nausea, numbness or tingling, and dry mouth
What Causes Shortness of Breath
Breathing can be a good marker for an individual’s internal state, so it makes sense that if an individual is experiencing panic, anxiety, and/or high levels of stress, their breathing will reflect that.
According to research, changes in breathing patterns can increase anxiety, trigger a panic attack, and intensify a panic attack that has already begun. Scientific study has also made the following connections:
- Genetics and hormones. Shortness of breath in the context of panic attacks and panic disorder have a genetic and/or hormonal component.
- Survival response. Shortness of breath is linked to the body’s fight-or-flight response as the body attempts to take in more oxygen and prepares to defend itself.
Can Anxiety Cause Shortness of Breath?
Yes, anxiety can both cause and exacerbate shortness of breath. Symptoms of anxiety can include feeling short of breath, air hungry, and a smothering feeling. In turn, feeling short of breath can also increase your anxiety due to the uncomfortable and frightening symptoms. In terms of panic attacks, shortness of breath may occur before the onset of a panic attack or increase during one.
Treatment
If you or a loved one are experiencing panic attacks, know that there are many treatment options available. Because the root cause of panic attacks and panic disorder will vary from individual to individual, it’s best to be evaluated by your doctor or mental health professional to determine the underlying cause. You may have to try multiple treatment options or combinations to figure out which one is the best fit.
When to Talk to Your Doctor
Experiencing shortness of breath or hyperventilating during a panic attack can be terrifying. Because panic attacks and panic disorder can be associated with other underlying diseases or disorders, it’s important to speak with your doctor so they can identify what is causing your shortness of breath.
Medication
Medication may be effective for some individuals in treating panic attacks and panic disorder. Medication may help reduce overall anxiety, decrease the frequency and intensity of panic attacks, and reduce the anxiety associated with panic attacks. Medication options that have proven efficacy in treating panic attacks and panic disorder in some individuals include:
Psychotherapy
Anxiety-focused psychotherapy may be used in conjunction with medication or on its own. Which route someone opts to try in terms of treatment may depend on the intensity and frequency of their symptoms as well as their personal preferences. Psychotherapy may address triggers for anxiety as well as the impact panic attacks have had on your personal life.
Therapeutic styles used to treat panic attacks and panic disorder include:
- Cognitive behavioral therapy
- Dialectical behavior therapy
- Exposure therapy
- Rational emotive behavior therapy
- Psychodynamic psychoanalysis
Coping with Shortness of Breath
Experiencing shortness of breath during a panic attack can feel stressful, isolating, and scary. Because panic attacks can begin without a known trigger, it’s important to have a tool kit of techniques to stop or manage a panic attack. If you are having difficulty with daily activities or are having thoughts of harming yourself or others, it’s important to connect with a professional immediately.
- During the start of a panic attack, recite a mantra to yourself that you can repeat (for example: “This will pass” or “I’m going to be okay”).
- Practice a relaxation technique when you are not having a panic attack. Practicing while you are in a more relaxed state may help you feel better prepared to use your strategy when you feel a panic attack beginning.
- Begin practicing mindfulness meditation to help you gain better insight into your thoughts in a non-judgmental way.
- Track your symptoms with a panic attack diary to better understand your unique panic attack experience.
- During a panic attack, try to reconnect to your body and surroundings by doing an exercise of threes. Count three things you see around you, three things you feel, three things you can hear, and three things you can smell.
- Try breathing in a paper bag. This re-breathing of your exhaled air brings balance back to the oxygen and carbon dioxide in your bloodstream, helping you feel normal again.
- After a panic attack, call a supportive friend or loved one to talk through your experience.
- Consider calling your therapist or doctor if this particular panic attack was especially intense or if the frequency of your panic attacks is increasing.
What Can You Do When You Feel Short of Breath?
Mindful breathing may help you return to your typical breathing pattern during a panic attack or ground yourself afterward. Follow these basic guidelines:
- Notice your breath. Visualize yourself beginning to slow your breathing down. You may picture your stomach rising and falling at a very slow pace.
- Place your hands on your rib cage. Now, inhale slowly through your nose, filling your rib cage with air. Slowly exhale through the nose, noting how the rib cage contracts.
- Repeat several breaths, counting to 10 as you inhale and 10 as you exhale. With each breath, try to notice any tension in your face, neck, and shoulders. Imagine your breath flowing through any tension within your body.
- Place your hands on your belly. Stay with your deep, smooth breathing. Take a deep breath in for 10 seconds and fill your belly with air. Notice how your belly rises into your hands as you inhale and how your navel pulls into the spine as you exhale for 10 seconds. Repeat for several more breaths.
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