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How the Eisenhower Matrix Helps You Stress Less and Get More Done
Key Takeaways
- The Eisenhower Matrix is a simple yet powerful tool that can help us prioritize tasks, ditch distractions, and focus our energy on what really matters.
- By ranking tasks based on their importance and urgency, you can better determine what to focus on first.
- If your stress and feelings of overwhelm are persistent, it’s OK to seek professional help.
Ever feel like you’re three steps behind on everything you want to do? Between staying on top of work, trying to have some semblance of a social life, and wanting to eat something that isn’t takeout, it’s no wonder we’re all teetering on the edge of burnout.
Enter the Eisenhower Matrix—a productivity hack that can help us sort our chaos into manageable chunks.
So, What Exactly Is the Eisenhower Matrix?
The Eisenhower Matrix—also known as the Eisenhower Method, the Eisenhower Decision Matrix, or the Urgent Important Matrix—is a tool for understanding our priorities and addressing them based on how important and urgent they are, says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic in Chicago.
It’s based on the management style of former American president Dwight Eisenhower. The former president’s words, “What is important is seldom urgent, and what is urgent is seldom important,” form the basis of the matrix.
The idea is to make a list of tasks you need to do and rank them as important or unimportant, and as urgent or not urgent, Dr. Daramus explains. “This helps you figure out which tasks to do first.”
The Four Quadrants, Explained
Based on this ranking, you can divide all the tasks on your to-do list into four categories, or quadrants:
Verywell Mind
Do It (Important and Urgent)
These are tasks that are both important and urgent, so they need to be your top priority. This category includes things like cranking out a major assignment that’s due in an hour or dealing with that leaky pipe before your bathroom turns into a lake.
Decide/Schedule It (Important But Not Urgent)
These are tasks that are important but not super urgent, so you can schedule them for a later date when you’re less slammed. Like buying your best friend a present before their birthday next month—it definitely needs doing, but not right this second.
Delegate It (Urgent But Not Important)
These are tasks that need to get done quickly but don’t necessarily require you to do them, so you can delegate them to someone else. For instance, if your lawn needs to be mowed, you can ask a family member to help out if you have too much on your plate.
Delete it (Neither Important Nor Urgent)
These are tasks that are neither urgent nor important. They don’t add any value to your life and are just distractions, so they can be erased from your to-do list altogether. Examples include endlessly scrolling on social media, or watching a random show you’re not even into just because it’s trending.
It’s important to note that tasks may need to be shuffled between quadrants. For example, a visit to the doctor can be scheduled for next week if it’s just a routine check-up but may need to be moved up if you’re not feeling well.
Why It Helps You Stress Less
The Eisenhower Matrix can offer several benefits that help you save time and energy, thus reducing stress overall:
- Prioritizing what really matters: This method helps you get the most important things done first, so you don’t waste time, says Dr. Daramus. Plotting your to-do list into quadrants on a grid can help you visualize your priorities.
- Provides clarity: When you have a lot on your plate, it can feel like you’re drowning in a sea of to-dos. Using this matrix can help you figure out what to tackle first and what can wait, so your workload feels less chaotic. This clarity can make even the busiest days feel more manageable, reducing your stress levels.
- Boosting productivity: When you have a clear plan in place, you can spend less time deciding what to do next and more time actually getting things done.
- Encouraging delegation: The matrix reminds you that you don’t have to do everything yourself. Delegating tasks that don’t require your expertise frees up your time for the things that actually need your attention.
- Eliminating distractions: By identifying tasks that aren’t urgent or important, the matrix makes it easier to cut out distractions and focus on activities that add value to your life.
How to Use It in Daily Life
Applying the Eisenhower Matrix to your daily life is not very difficult. Here’s how you can make it work for you:
- Start with a brain dump: Write down everything on your mind—every task, chore, errand, and activity you need to get done. Don’t hold back–put it all down so you know what you’re dealing with.
- Sort the tasks into the four quadrants: On a fresh page, draw a box with four squares that represent the four quadrants. Go through your list and categorize each of the tasks on your plate into one of the four quadrants.
- Address critical priorities first: Start your day with tasks from the “Do It” quadrant to knock out critical tasks that are both urgent and important.
- Schedule tasks for later: Allocate specific times to work on the “Schedule It” quadrant, so you don’t miss anything important.
- Delegate what you don’t need to do yourself: Actively delegate tasks in the “Delegate It” quadrant to free up your time.
- Discard things that waste time: Avoid distractions by consciously cutting out tasks from the “Delete It” quadrant.
- Review your progress: It can be helpful to review your matrix throughout the day or week. As new tasks arise, you can add them to the categories and adjust your schedule accordingly.
Mistakes People Make With the Matrix
While the Eisenhower Matrix is a powerful tool, it has its occasional challenges. Here are some common obstacles people face when using the matrix and strategies to overcome them:
- Not categorizing tasks appropriately: It’s not always clear whether a task is urgent, important, or both. Some tasks can feel urgent because of external pressure, even if they’re not truly important. Try asking yourself: Will there be serious consequences if this is not done today?
- Spending too much time on the matrix: You might fall into the trap of overanalyzing your list of tasks instead of actually completing them, especially if you’re a perfectionist. It can be helpful to set a timer and limit yourself to 10-15 minutes of sorting tasks into the matrix.
- Ignoring the non-urgent but important tasks: Tasks in the “Schedule It” quadrant (important but not urgent) often get neglected in favor of urgent tasks, leading to last-minute stress. It’s important to add these tasks to your calendar with deadlines, so that you actually get around to doing them.
- Not delegating tasks: It can be hard to let go of control or figure out who to delegate tasks to. You might also feel guilty about offloading work. However, the key is to find the right person for the task, explain what needs doing, and trust them to do it well.
- Struggling to delete tasks: It’s easy to cling to low-value tasks, either out of habit or because they give you a sense of accomplishment. It’s important to recognize that these tasks don’t add value and use your time to do something more meaningful instead.
- Unexpected interruptions: Life happens, and unplanned interruptions can disrupt your carefully crafted matrix. Remain flexible and build some buffer time into your schedule, so you can cope with last-minute emergencies.
From Overwhelm to Clarity
At the end of the day, we all want to feel like we’re on top of things instead of constantly scrambling to catch up. By breaking our to-do lists into manageable chunks, we can finally stop chasing our tails and start making intentional choices about where our time and energy go.
Sure, using this tool won’t magically eliminate all our stress, but it can help us feel a little less overwhelmed and a lot more in control.
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10 Signs You and Your Partner Are Compatible
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Key Takeaways
- Compatibility means sharing values, beliefs, interests, and goals with your partner.
- Effective communication is key to maintaining compatibility in a relationship.
- Laughter and enjoying each other’s company contribute to a compatible partnership.
Compatibility is an important ingredient in relationships because it is the basis of how well you and your partner get along together.
Things like being physically attracted to each other or having complementary astrology signs may indicate surface level compatibility. However, true compatibility often involves sharing the same values, beliefs, interests, goals, and lifestyles, says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”
“Compatibility involves being in alignment with one another in a way that allows you to function together harmoniously,” de Llano says.
In this article, we discuss the importance of compatibility in relationships and explore 10 signs that can indicate that you and your partner are compatible with each other.
Importance of Compatibility
Compatibility is an important factor to consider when you begin dating someone.
In fact, research shows that when people meet potential partners, they unconsciously test them for compatibility against their internal criteria list. A 2022 study notes that people tend to weigh the similarities and differences between themselves and potential partners in order to check whether they’re compatible and whether a romantic relationship is viable.
You may know you’re compatible with someone when you feel like you relate to them, you enjoy their company, and your values align in important areas.
Being compatible doesn’t necessarily mean that you and your partner share all the same traits, hobbies, interests, and views but it does mean that you have a lot in common and you can communicate effectively in order to work out any differences.
If you and your partner are not compatible with each other, you may have different views and approaches to things, which can lead to difficulty communicating and frequent conflict in the relationship.
10 Signs of Compatibility in a Relationship
These are 10 signs that can indicate you and your partner are compatible with each other.
Positive Interactions
A major sign of compatibility is positive interactions.
The positive positive interactions between you and your partner should outweigh the conflicts and negative experiences, says de Llano.
In the initial stages of a relationship, this can mean that you and your partner hit it off well with each other and feel attracted to one another when you meet. Your interactions foster mutual positive regard and active engagement with each other.
As you spend more time with each other, you may feel like you can relate to them and be excited to share more and more of yourself with them, while wanting to learn more about them. Over time, you develop trust and become comfortable with each other.
Similar Values
According to de Llano, one of the key indicators of compatibility is having similar views and values when it comes to important areas, such as:
- Family
- Work
- Lifestyle
- Finances
- Social life
- Politics
- Religion/spirituality
- Ethics
- World views
Research shows that having similar attitudes as your partner is linked to greater happiness and relationship satisfaction; whereas, having contrasting attitudes is linked to greater stress, conflict, and depression.
Shared Long-Term Goals
Another sign of compatibility is wanting the same things out of life and your relationship. If you and your partner have aligned long-term goals, you can work toward them together.
On the other hand, if you and your partner want different things, you may be at odds with each other. For instance, if one of you wants children and the other doesn’t, this could cause conflict and potentially be a deal-breaker in your relationship.
Physical Attraction
Physical attraction and chemistry is another important ingredient when it comes to compatibility.
In many cases, instant physical attraction (more commonly known as “love at first sight”) can bring people closer together and inspire them to make an effort to spend time with each other and get to know one another.
On the other hand, it is also possible for physical attraction to develop and grow over time between people who are emotionally and intellectually compatible and have a lot of shared interests.
However, it’s important to remember that physical attraction alone shouldn’t be mistaken for compatibility. It may be helpful to exercise greater caution if there is extremely strong initial physical attraction as this chemistry may sometimes cause people to ignore or overlook other signs of incompatibility.
Emotional Alignment
In order to be compatible, you and your partner need to be emotionally aligned with each other.
This involves being attuned to each other’s feelings and being on similar wavelengths emotionally, which can help you develop a deep emotional connection with one another. This will gradually translate to a feeling of closeness, trust, and intimacy in the relationship.
Even if you and your partner are always not on the exact same wavelength emotionally, you need to able to communicate what you’re feeling and request what you need to feel more connected and attuned.
Similar Sense of Humor
Sharing a similar sense of humor and finding joy in each other’s company can contribute to compatibility. Laughter and playfulness can help create a positive and enjoyable relationship dynamic.
Radical Honesty
Another indicator of compatibility is feeling comfortable in your own skin when you’re with your partner. It can be wonderful to feel like you can be your true, authentic self around them and don’t feel like you have to keep secrets or hide any part of yourself from them.
A good sign of compatibility is being able to be completely honest about your feelings, hopes, and dreams without judgment.
Mutual Support
While it’s great if you and your partner have the same preferences, hobbies, and interests, you don’t necessarily have to like all the same things in order to be compatible.
However, compatibility does mean enthusiastically supporting and encouraging each other’s hobbies and passions. It also means respecting and accommodating their preferences, even if they’re different from yours.
Effective Communication
In order to be compatible, you and your partner must be able to communicate effectively. This means being able to understand and speak each other’s love language so you can give and receive love in fulfilling ways.
It also means being able to communicate constructively in order to resolve conflicts, says de Llano. This involves being able to express yourself freely, actively listen to your partner, find solutions together, and make compromises for each other.
Acceptance
While your partner may have many positive qualities, as human beings we all have some more challenging qualities too. True compatibility means being aware of the other’s shortcomings and practicing accepting them for who they are, flaws and imperfections and all, as long as there is not intentional harm being done to anyone.
Compatibility Over Time
It’s important to note that compatibility is complex and can change as a relationship progresses, says de Llano.
For example, your compatibility may increase if you and your partner adopt each other’s views and personality traits, and become more similar to each other over time. However, your compatibility may be eroded if your emotional baggage surfaces and clashes with your partner’s unresolved issues, de Llano explains.
“A strong foundation of communication, empathy, and personal development by each partner is essential to maintaining compatibility,” says de Llano.
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Root causes to why you can’t sleep! #shorts
Can’t sleep despite having tried all the tricks like going off screens at night, no coffee in the afternoon, etc etc? Still tossing and …
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The Dangers of Non-Alcoholic Beer
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Key Takeaways
- Non-alcoholic beer can have up to 0.5% alcohol, which might not be safe for everyone.
- People with alcohol use disorder might be triggered by the smell of non-alcoholic beer.
- Pregnant people should avoid non-alcoholic beer due to the risk of any amount of alcohol.
Non-alcoholic beer is often presented as a safe alternative to alcohol, but it is important to be aware of the risks before trying it. It may seem like a great choice if you are trying to limit your alcohol use since non-alcoholic beer often smells and tastes similar to alcoholic beers.
However, there are dangers of non-alcoholic beer that should be considered, particularly for those with alcohol use problems and pregnant people. This article discusses why non-alcoholic beer, sometimes called ‘near beer,’ might not be your best option.
What Is Non-Alcoholic Beer?
Non-alcoholic beer is a type of beer that has very little or no alcohol. It is usually produced by removing the alcohol from regular alcoholic beer.
While this process removes most alcohol, some small amounts may remain. For example, where a regular beer contains approximately 14 grams of alcohol, a non-alcohol beer typically contains approximately one gram of alcohol.
When the beer is filtered, both the water content and alcohol are removed so liquid must be added after the process is complete. The beer is then carbonated, and sugars and other flavorings may be added for taste. Because of this, the carbohydrate content is much higher in non-alcoholic beer than in regular beer.
The amount of alcohol these products contain varies, so it is important to check labels before consuming them. Some claim that they contain 0.0% ABV. However, by law, non-alcoholic beers can have as much as 0.5% alcohol by volume (ABV).
While non-alcoholic beer can contain up to 0.5% ABV, products marketed as alcohol-free are required by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) to contain 0.0% ABV, meaning there are no detectable levels of alcohol in the product.
The Possible Dangers of Non-Alcoholic Beer
While non-alcoholic beer might be an option for some people, it comes with potential dangers, particularly for certain populations.
May Still Contain Alcohol
Despite the FDA requirements, research suggests that many non-alcoholic beers contain more alcohol than their labels indicate. One older study found that of no- or low-alcohol-content beers tested, 29% of them had higher alcohol levels than the labels suggested. Of the zero-alcohol beers sampled, six were found to have alcohol levels higher than one percent.
Research has also found that people with liver impairments may develop much higher blood alcohol levels than normal after consuming non-alcoholic beer. This may cause some people to test positive on alcohol urine or breath tests.
May Trigger Relapse
Non-alcoholic beer smells very much like regular beer. In one research study, a team of California scientists reports that smell may be enough to trigger cravings and a subsequent relapse among certain people with alcohol use disorder.
In their laboratory experiments, rats were trained to self-administer alcohol or a bitter, white substance called quinine when they smelled orange or banana. The smell of banana was used when the rats consumed alcohol, while the scent of orange was presented to them when they tasted quinine.
Both alcohol and the anticipation of alcohol may raise levels of a brain chemical called dopamine, which plays a role in feelings of elation and pleasure, according to the investigators. The researchers found increases in dopamine in the rats’ brains before and after smelling these “alcohol-related cues.”
It is important to note that this was an animal study and that further research is needed to determine if the same effect would occur in human participants.
As many as 90% of alcoholics will experience one relapse in the four years after they quit drinking, according to statistics from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.
Dangers of Non-Alcoholic Beer During Pregnancy
Because many non-alcoholic beers may contain some levels of alcohol, these products pose a risk if consumed during pregnancy. According to the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG), pregnant individuals should avoid drinking any alcohol during pregnancy to avoid the risk of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD).
Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder typically involves the consumption of higher levels of alcohol. However, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) states that there is no known safe amount of alcohol use during pregnancy.
Alcohol use during pregnancy is one of the leading causes of birth defects, which may include low body weight, facial abnormalities, physical problems, and neurobehavioral disorders.
Skip Non-Alcoholic Beer
While drinking non-alcoholic beer might be a safe option for people looking to reduce their alcohol intake, it is also essential to consider the potential risks. If you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant, you should avoid non-alcoholic beers since these products may still contain unsafe amounts of alcohol.
Consuming non-alcoholic beers may also pose risks to people recovering from alcohol use disorder. The smell of beer may serve as a relapse trigger.
The best advice for those trying to remain sober would be to avoid anything that smells like alcohol.
Alternatives to Non-Alcoholic Beer
If you are looking for an alternative to regular beer and non-alcoholic beer, there are several options you might want to consider. A few choices you might consider include:
- Soda with fresh lime juice
- Mocktails
- Kombucha
- Soda with fresh fruit
- Carbonated juices
Making Lifestyle Changes
If you are recovering from alcohol use disorder or are trying to cut back on your drinking, it can be helpful to make other lifestyle changes that help support sobriety and long-term recovery.
One way recovery experts recommend avoiding relapse and maintaining sobriety is to develop a drug-free lifestyle in which the person trying to stay sober substitutes healthy activities for behaviors from the past.
Strategies that can help include:
Social support is also essential. In many cases, you may need to find new social connections and spend less time with those who continue to drink.
Many people in recovery find that they need to make new nondrinking friends and not hang out with their old drinking buddies if they want to stay sober.
Sitting around drinking non-alcoholic beer with people in the same places you used to drink is maintaining your old lifestyle, not developing a new one.
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What to Do If You Feel Empty Inside
Key Takeaways
- Not getting enough sleep can make you feel empty and tired.
- Feeling empty may be tied to stress and burnout from too many responsibilities.
- Practicing gratitude can help improve your mood and fill the voids you feel.
Feeling empty inside can make you feel like nothing matters. You might feel like there’s nothing that connects you to other people and the world around you anymore. At times, you might feel like you hardly exist.
This feeling of hollowness in your life may last only a few days or weeks if you’re going through a difficult time. However, some people have feelings of emptiness that last for months or even years.
If you’re feeling empty inside, you may not understand why you feel this way. You may wonder if feelings of emptiness mean that you’re depressed.
While depression can be a sign of feeling empty inside, it’s not the only reason. In this article, we’ll talk through some reasons that you might feel emptiness in your life and what you can do to feel better.
Why Do I Feel Empty Inside?
Even though they are by definition a feeling of nothingness or absence, feelings of emptiness can have a big effect on your life. There are many emotional, mental, and physical reasons that you might be feeling empty inside—and you might find that there isn’t just one thing in your life that’s making you feel this way.
Physical Causes of Feeling Empty Inside
You might consider empty feelings as being “in your mind,” but there are actually some clear physical causes of emotional emptiness.
You’re Not Sleeping Well
Sleep is one of the most important things for your physical and mental health. If you’re zapped for energy and not able to recharge with consistent, quality, sleep, you could end up feeling totally spent and empty.
A Harvard University expert said that “neuroimaging and neurochemistry studies suggest that a good night’s sleep helps foster both mental and emotional resilience, while chronic sleep deprivation sets the stage for negative thinking and emotional vulnerability.”
Translation? If you’re not sleeping enough, your brain will have a much harder time helping you navigate life’s ups and downs.
You’re Exhausted
Not getting enough sleep can definitely make you feel run down—but being so busy all day that you can’t wait to hit the hay at night can lead to exhaustion.
Here’s an example: You’re a caregiver for your aging parent on top of working and taking care of your family. You struggle to find a moment in the day for yourself and it feels like no matter how much you do in a day—your list of to-dos is endless. No matter how much you sleep, you still wake up exhausted. Over time, you feel so run down that you actually stop feeling much else at all—you start to feel empty.
Research supports this example, too. Studies have shown that informal caregiving can lead to stress and burnout.
Here’s another example: You’ve been working non-stop on multiple projects at work and your brain never gets a minute to rest. At first, you were excited about the challenge but after weeks of “putting your nose to the grindstone,” you’ve lost your enthusiasm. You’re so overtired that you just feel totally “blah” about your job and your life.
You might not recognize right away that feeling empty inside is tied to being worn out. Here are a few questions to ask yourself as you’re working through the process:
- Do I need more support from my partner, family, friend, or neighbor? Do I want to talk to someone “neutral” like my doctor or a mental health provider?
- Have my goals changed? (E.g., work, school, life)
- Are my children’s activities requiring more than I have to give right now? (E.g., lots of driving)
- Do I have health concerns that need a lot of management? Am I feeling overwhelmed by taking care of myself?
- Is my job asking too much of me? Is a volunteer project or hobby more than I can take on on top of my work responsibilities?
- Do I feel like it’s time to make a big change at school or work? (E.g., pursuing a different major/degree, looking for a new job, reducing work hours)
When you’re thinking about these questions, try not to get upset if you find that the answer to one or more of them is stopping. “Quitting” is not a sign of weakness—it can be a sign that you’re aware of and acknowledge that you’re human and you have limits. Honoring your personal “bandwidth” is necessary for taking care of your physical and mental well-being.
Press Play for Advice On Dealing With Caregiver Stress
Hosted by Editor-in-Chief and therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast, featuring actor Nathan Kress, shares how to handle the stress that can arise after you’ve taken on a caregiver role. Click below to listen now.
Follow Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts
What to Do If Being Exhausted Is Making You Feel Empty Inside
It can be hard to put on the brakes, but feelings of emptiness and exhaustion are a big “stop sign” which means it’s time for some self-care. Here are a few things to try to do when you’re burnt out:
- Ask for help (be it from a partner, your friends, a neighbor, and/or a mental health professional)
- Try to see what you can get “off your plate” (e.g., reduce your workload, look for caregiver respite, have someone help you with errands or household chores)
- Create boundaries and stick to them (e.g., stop checking emails and your phone at a set time at night; go to bed and wake up at the same time no matter what day it is).
- Find calming things to make a part of your day (e.g., deep breathing exercises, a meditation practice)
Mental and Emotional Reasons You Feel Empty Inside
You can also feel empty inside because specific life events trigger the feeling, or you’re going through circumstances that are challenging you emotionally.
The same situation or life circumstance will not affect everyone the same way. What makes you feel empty may not have that effect on someone else. Try not to compare yourself to others or tell yourself how you “should” feel about something that you’re going through.
Boredom
Being bored and unsatisfied with your daily life can actually make you feel like there’s a void inside you that can’t be filled.
Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW and author of four books says that you may feel empty because you’re “feeling purposeless, [and] you are going through the motions and not truly knowing what would give you meaning.”
To combat the emptiness, make a list of activities used to give you a sense of joy, fun, and meaningfulness in your life. You don’t have to get back to all of them at once, just start with one or two that you can try adding to your day.
Even just being aware of what is positive in your life and taking the time to be thankful for it can have a powerful effect on your sense of mental well-being. Research has shown that gratitude can increase your happiness.
One way that you can practice gratitude is to have a journal or app on your phone where you try to record even one thing that made you happy every day. The simple act of reflecting can help put your feelings into perspective, and on days when you’re feeling especially down, out, and empty, looking back at the list of happy-making things in your life can give you a boost.
You’re Lonely
It’s pretty common to feel empty or like there’s a giant hole in your life—or even in your heart—after a relationship ends.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest studies about adult life that is still going strong after more than 75 years, found that maintaining loving relationships with spouses, family, and friends is one of the most crucial factors in our happiness.
Since our relationships are such a big part of our lives, it’s not surprising that we can feel lost and alone when they end. But loneliness can have a majorly negative effect on your physical and mental health, so it’s important to find ways to cope.
Setting up a regular time to talk with your best friend or taking part in online or in-person support groups can help you navigate your feelings after the end of a relationship in a space that is supportive.
You’re Grieving
Feeling empty inside or numb after the death of a loved one is a common part of the grieving process. The stages of grief do not necessarily go in order, so you might end up feeling empty inside right after a loved one dies, or much later.
Don’t put pressure on yourself to “get over” the loss of someone close to you. Know that you can find ways to cope with these feelings and live with the empty space that person left in your life.
You’re Dealing With a Mental Health Condition
Depression does not look and feel the same for everyone, but it can show up as temporary sadness and feeling low. You might also feel less interest in activities that you used to really love doing. All and all, you might just be getting up every day with a “blah,” empty, and tired feeling.
Don’t ignore these feelings. According to Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW, a lack or sense of nothingness that does not go away “can be associated with a chronic mental health condition such as depression or PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).”
With depression, you might also have a change in your appetite, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness, trouble with decision-making, and thoughts of suicide.
Amatenstein said that feeling empty could “also be a defense mechanism because after a triggering traumatic event that is so upsetting, it’s easier to shut down and feel nothing than deal with severe emotions.”
What To Do When You Feel Empty Inside
If you’re feeling empty inside because of a temporary life circumstance—for example, you’re trying to get through something overwhelming at work that will be done in a few weeks—it might be enough to just take care of yourself during the challenging time.
Focusing on self-care, doing activities that lift up your sense of well-being, and reaching out to others for support to get you through this time until things settle down might be all you need to do. Once the challenge has passed, you’ll probably start feeling better and more like yourself once the dust settles (and you’ll likely feel relief, too).
However, if you’re not tying your feelings of emptiness to a specific event or the sense of nothingness in your life is not going away or is getting worse, reaching out to a professional is the next step you want to take.
You might start by talking to your doctor, who can either recommend treatment or refer you to a mental health provider to talk about how you’re feeling and figure out what support you need.
Remember: Asking for help is not a sign that you “can’t handle life” or that you’re “weak.” It’s not easy to be honest with yourself and others about how you’re feeling, but doing so is one of the strongest things you can do.
Acknowledging your feelings of emptiness is the first step, so congratulations if you’ve taken that step. Determining the possible cause is the next step.
If you are in distress or this feeling is persistent, reoccurring, and complex, therapists are available online and in person to assist you. Finally, remind yourself that you are respecting your feelings and taking positive actions.
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Med School Rant: Do We Really Have to Study After Rotations? 😩 #medschool #shorts #premed #rant
In this medical school rant, I talk about the constant pressure to keep studying after a full day of clinical rotations. Honestly …
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Signs, Impact, and Tips to Break the Cycle
Key Takeaways
- Reactive abuse happens when someone being hurt fights back against the person hurting them.
- The person being hurt might feel confused, guilty, or scared after they react this way.
- To stop reactive abuse, it can help to notice when the person hurting you is trying to provoke you.
Someone who is being abused might eventually reach their breaking point and lash out at their abuser in return. This is known as reactive abuse.
Reactive abuse occurs when someone who has been abused begins to defend themselves by responding to abuse with physical and/or verbal attacks, says Alexa Connors, LMSW, a senior therapist at The Dorm, which offers intensive trauma therapy for young adults.
In this article, we explore the psychological dynamics of reactive abuse, the signs to look out for, the impact it can cause, and steps to get help.
The Dynamics of Reactive Abuse
If someone is being physically or verbally abused, their fight-or-flight response might kick in, to help them protect themselves. If they are unable to flee, they might fight back against their abuser by attacking them physically or verbally. They may resort to yelling, screaming, insulting, or even assaulting their abuser.
Self-Defense Is a More Accurate Term
It’s important to understand that someone who has to resort to reactive abuse is not the instigator. Rather, they are a victim who is reacting to being abused.
The term “reactive abuse” can therefore be problematic, because it labels the victim as an abuser. A more accurate term to describe this behavior is “self-defense.”
Unfortunately, reactive abuse often works against the victim of abuse, because their abuser may use it as leverage against them.
Once the victim of abuse responds this way, the perpetrator often claims that the abuse is mutual, says Connors. In some cases, the abuser might even claim to be the wounded party and try to use these instances as proof that they have been abused, instead of the other way around.
Perpetrators may use these manipulation tactics as a way to justify their abuse, control their victims, and keep them from leaving or speaking about the abuse, Connors explains.
They may even try to record the person’s reaction, or provoke a response in public so that they have witnesses who can say they saw them being “abused.”
Recognizing the Signs of Reactive Abuse
These are some of the signs and characteristics of reactive abuse:
- Uncharacteristic behavior: The person’s behavior is not characteristic of their nature. They have never shown abusive tendencies toward any other person or situation.
- Provocation: The abuser uses antagonistic behavior like public or private humiliation, threats, name-calling, insulting, or gaslighting in order to get the person to their breaking point and elicit a violent response, says Connors.
- Self-defense: The person’s reaction is an act of self-defense to protect themselves against an abuser. They never initiate the abuse. They only respond this way when provoked, once they have reached their limit and cannot take anymore.
- Confusion: The person feels confused about their actions. They feel like they don’t know who they are anymore and how they could react like that.
- Guilt: The person feels guilty and ashamed of their behavior afterward.
- Doubt: Because victims of reactive abuse are made to doubt their own reality, it may be difficult to identify when they are in this abusive dynamic, says Connors.
- Fear: The perpetrator uses the victim’s actions as evidence against them, says Connors. They use fear to control and manipulate them into doing what they want.
The Psychological Impact of Reactive Abuse
Research shows that experiencing abuse can be traumatic and lead to physical and psychological damage.
In a situation where the victim responds with reactive abuse, the abuser may convince them that they too are engaging in abusive behavior, which may result in feelings of guilt and shame, Connors explains.
“This dynamic can be extremely damaging and harmful to the person’s mental health, as it may cause them to experience increased anxiety, depression, isolation, sleep-related issues, confusion, and mood swings,” says Connors.
The Connection Between Reactive Abuse and Gaslighting
Victims of this dynamic may also experience gaslighting in the following ways, according to Connors:
- Flipping the narrative: The perpetrator may flip the narrative and convince the person who is being harmed that they are causing harm.
- Lying: The perpetrator might outright lie about something that has occurred, such as the fact that they instigated the abuse.
- Creating doubt: The perpetrator might call the victim “crazy” or “insane” and cause them to doubt their own reality.
- Minimizing concerns: The perpetrator may dismiss or minimize the victim’s concerns or issues.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that can cause victims to blame themselves. Victims may feel as if they are crazy and demonstrate an increased dependence on their partner.
How to Break the Cycle of Reactive Abuse
If you are a victim of abuse, these are some steps that can help you break the cycle of reactive abuse:
- Identify the pattern: The first step is to develop awareness and recognize the fact that the abuser is provoking you in the hopes of getting a reaction.
- Recognize provocation: Start paying attention to the abuser’s manipulation tactics and antagonistic behaviors, says Connors. “Notice which behaviors are activating and triggering.”
- Be mindful of your reaction: This can be difficult to do at the moment, but be mindful of your reaction to the abuse, says Connor. “The abuser is trying to provoke you until you snap, so try to react mindfully or avoid reacting at all.”
- Develop coping skills: Developing coping skills can help you manage the intensity of your own emotions and reactions, says Connors. “You can empower yourself against reactive abuse by learning skills and tools to manage your stress and emotions.”
- Reach out for help: Reach out to trusted friends or family members, or mental health services. A therapist or a loved one can help you process harmful relationship dynamics, says Connors.
- Leave the relationship: Connors recommends reaching out to domestic violence hotlines to get help and safely leave an abusive situation.
Empowering Yourself Against Reactive Abuse
Reactive abuse can leave you feeling guilty, ashamed, confused, scared, and angry. You may feel trapped and not know what to do.
It can be helpful to protect yourself by paying attention to the abuser’s actions, resisting provocation, and reacting mindfully.
Leaving an abusive situation is not easy. As soon as you are safely able to do so, create an exit plan and leave the abusive situation. You can reach out to trusted loved ones or the domestic violence hotline for help and support.
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I’m a Relationship Coach, and These Are the Habits That Quietly Sabotage Love
Key Takeaways
- Pick one relationship habit to work on today. Give that behavior the space and gentleness you need to rewrite that particular groove. Maybe it’s not assuming the worst when your date doesn’t text you back right away.
- The changes you’re ready to make today are exactly what you need right now–and that’s enough.
- Eventually, the changes will add up, and you’ll have an entirely different set of habits that support healthier relationships.
We’ve all had that moment in a relationship where it hits us: Wait, I’ve been here before... That sinking feeling of déjà vu, realizing you’re caught in the same relationship pattern—just with a different person.
It’s not like we intentionally repeat these choices; instead, it’s more about how we unknowingly perpetuate deeply ingrained relationship habits that pull us back into the same cycles.
Holding On to Fixed Narratives
“Bad” or unhelpful relationship habits often originate from beliefs and unresolved issues rooted in childhood. These experiences form the subconscious programming you tell yourself today, making it easy to see yourself through a fixed lens.
Instead of getting stuck in that loop, try approaching your narrative with curiosity. By doing so, you open yourself to new perspectives and detach from your behaviors to see them as patterns–not personal flaws–to uncover meaningful insights.
For example, let’s say you’re typically drawn to partners who require constant support. Your usual story may focus on being a kind person, while the expanded interpretation highlights the deeper dynamic, perhaps the image of identifying as the “good” person. Letting go of the story frees you from seeking validation from the wrong people, allowing you to connect with the part of you that craves a balanced relationship where you aren’t always caretaking.
Masking Your True Feelings
In my relationship coaching practice, a big theme is teaching people tools to regulate their emotions so they can express insecurities, hurt, pain, anger, and sadness without sweeping them under the rug. Research indicates emotional regulation encourages mental health-promoting behaviors.
When you’re in a dysregulated emotional state, unhealthy habits surface. If you do it long enough, these habits become automatic. Some of these habits include dissociating, people-pleasing, avoiding vulnerability, suppressing needs, and wearing a mask to deny who you are. While these behaviors provide temporary comfort, they also create a barrier to genuine connection. Over time, you may ignore red flags and attract people who have similar blocked emotional states.
But when you’re grounded and emotionally regulated, you’re able to make better relationship habits. You find the courage to speak the difficult yet essential truth. You learn to communicate directly. To start, practice being with your emotions as they come up. Notice where they’re located in your body, and take the time to breathe and sit with them. This embodied act fosters emotional resilience, leading you to deeper intimacy with yourself and others.
Dwelling on Past Behaviors
When you’re in the midst of updating your self-concept, you’re peeling back layers of who you once were. It can be cringy, painful, and downright shameful to look at old behaviors. Oof, I can’t believe I did that. I really hurt that person. I didn’t respect myself back then. I wonder if people have judged me for my past actions when I didn’t know better.
It’s easy to beat yourself up. Please don’t. Studies show that self-compassion has consistently been linked to positive outcomes for mental health and well-being. Compassion has the capacity to extend forgiveness to all versions of yourself. Compassion recognizes your intrinsic worth beyond actions and past experiences. Compassion enables you to pick yourself back up and keep going.
By seeing yourself with grace, you create an internal safe space where you can grow. You can love your shadow and feel unconditional love, When you have your own back, you’ll feel braver to take the risk to do the more scary, vulnerable action that’ll yield healthier outcomes in the most magical ways.
Rushing Change
We’ve all been sold the myth of instant transformation. We set massive resolutions for New Year’s to reinvent ourselves magically at midnight. We glamorize life-changing makeovers in the space of a one-hour TV show. It’s a cute fantasy, but this type of evolution is not sustainable because it neglects the human, nonlinear reality of how change actually looks.
True change happens slowly, through a process called titration. Titration speaks to the psychological concept of taking things one step at a time, working at the pace of your nervous system. When you take the space to pause and reflect, you can make the big changes you’re looking for.
How to Heal
Let me get into the arena and share how I’ve applied this approach in my personal life. I have a very unhealthy relationship habit of taking responsibility for other people’s feelings when they’re upset. A lot of this comes from being made to feel like things were my fault when I was growing up. It’s been a slow (and still ongoing) process, but I’m learning to:
- Pause and check in with my body when I notice discomfort or tension
- Identify and sit with uncomfortable emotions instead of pushing them aside via distraction
- Slow down to not assume responsibility, and notice when I’m people-pleasing
- Express my feelings about what’s going on even when it feels vulnerable or awkward
- Trust others to share their perspective without assuming how they feel
- Trust others to be able to handle their own emotions
- Give myself permission to do what feels manageable at the moment
- Honor my boundaries by recognizing when I’ve reached my limit and allowing time for recovery
Sure, I don’t always get it right. But I don’t need to land every action perfectly anymore. Being OK with making mistakes is growth! Being focused on self-acceptance versus self-improvement has made all the difference.
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Can’t I just stay out of the sun and take vitamin D supplements instead? #shorts (Part 3)
Can’t I just stay out of the sun & take vitamin D supplements? Wondering why your cholesterol is high despite ‘doing everything …
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