Why It Happens and How to Cope

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Key Takeaways

  • Ghosting is not about you; it’s about the other person’s inability to communicate or handle their feelings.
  • Practice self-compassion and engage in activities that bring you joy and reduce stress.

Ghosting is a type of social rejection that happens when someone you are dating or getting to know disappears without a trace. One minute, you are talking, and everything seems fine, and then they are just…gone. You suddenly find yourself left on read. Your texts, phone calls, and DMs go unanswered. You might even be shocked to find they’ve blocked you altogether. You’re left wondering, WTH happened?

This could happen at the very beginning of a relationship or in the middle of one, whether in person or online. Dealing with being ghosted is incredibly difficult—especially because you usually don’t know the cause or know how to react.

The person suddenly quits all contact with you—they won’t respond to texts, emails, calls, or social media messages. The mental health effects of being on the receiving end of these actions can be very challenging.

Being ghosted sucks, but it’s increasingly common in today’s dating culture. The key thing to remember is that it’s not about you. People ghost for all kinds of reasons. They might be insecure, scared of conflict, or unable to communicate their feelings. That doesn’t necessarily make it *easy* to process, but there are things you can do to feel better and protect your mental well-being when someone activates phantom mode.

Skip the blame and shame. Instead, concentrate on taking care of yourself. Do things that bring you joy, but don’t minimize your feelings. It’s hurtful (sometimes even emotionally abusive), and there’s nothing wrong with reaching out to a mental health professional if you need extra help processing what happened.

Why Do People Ghost?

People ghost for a variety of reasons. Relationship experts and psychologists agree that people who ghost are avoiding an uncomfortable situation. This evasion, while perceived as a lack of regard, is often because they feel it’s the best way to handle their own distress or inability to clearly communicate.

Research suggests that many ghosters cut ties because they are actually trying to spare the other person’s feelings. Ghosters admit they don’t want to hurt you, or they don’t know what to do. Sometimes, they don’t think discussing a situation is necessary, or they become scared.

Ghosting is a passive way to withdraw.

But some ghosts perceive that disappearing completely might actually be the easiest and best way to handle the situation for all. Others ghost because now that it’s common, it’s an almost justifiable way to exit a relationship nowadays.

In today’s dating culture, ghosting is common. A Pew Research Center poll found that about 29% of all American adults have been ghosted, but it was much more common among young adults—42% of 18- to 29-year-olds report being ghosted.

How to Cope When You’ve Been Ghosted

It’s not always easy, and it often takes time, but there are things you can do to start feeling better even if someone in your life has ghosted you.

Rid Yourself of Blame

After someone disappears suddenly, it’s hard to not feel regret, embarrassment and shame. After all, you risked for the sake of growth and it backfired. While ghosting feels so personal, it’s not about you. It’s about them.

Because you usually can’t find a cause and there is no explanation furnished, you may blame yourself. You might want to put up walls so you don’t get hurt again in the future. Or you may tell your friends you will stop dating completely, using a cognitive distortion like all-or-nothing thinking.

Now is the time to regroup, be kind to yourself and take a break. You are not to blame for someone walking away without a peep. Nor is it your fault that the other person couldn’t maturely give you the truth.

Nix the Shame

Shame comes about sometimes when we are reminded of previous rejections. But is ghosting rejection?

“Ghosting carries an echo of old rejection,” says Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW. “It’s painful because it activates—and emulates—a previous hurt or betrayal by someone we didn’t just think we could trust but whom we had to trust, often during our formative years.”

Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW

Here’s the catch: It’s not necessarily about the betrayal but about our not having processed and integrated that early memory, and what it meant to us.

— Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW

Resnick, whose trauma-informed books about recovery from the effects of narcissistic relationships have helped tens of thousands of readers, reassures those who were ghosted and bids them to take care.

“Understood this way, we can see why self-compassion is in order,” she says. “Being dropped and feeling unseen is always painful, and there is never shame or embarrassment in feeling what is real.”

Choose Self-Care

How do you move forward? You need self-compassion and self-care. Invest in time with friends and family who can support you. Also, you might indulge in activities that make you happy like taking a yoga class or returning to a hobby that you love. You can also try homeopathic treatments or acupuncture.

Elena Klimenko, MD, and Integrative Medicine Specialist sometimes uses a “broken heart” homeopathic treatment for a heartfelt loss. She says, “In traditional Chinese medicine like acupuncture, the heart meridian—which starts at the heart and runs to the armpits, then down each arm—is responsible for heartfelt matters and some deep emotions. Proper acupuncture treatment can also facilitate recovery and take the edge off the difficult feelings.”

When you think of the ghoster, be sure to reframe your ideas about them and the relationship. After all, they violated the contract of what it takes to be in a mature, healthy relationship.

That includes mutual respect, good communication, and thoughtfulness. Therefore, this wasn’t the right person for you, anyway.

Build Resilience

David C. Leopold, MD DABFM, DABOIM, and Network Medical Director for Integrative Health and Medicine at Hackensack Meridian Health says, “When patients experience any emotional or mental health challenges, I focus on helping them build resilience and enhancing their self-compassion and self-care.”

Dr. Leopold uses a comprehensive approach, including engaging in physical activity, prioritizing sleep, optimizing nutrition, cultivating meaning and purpose, and reducing stress through practices like mindfulness and meditation.

Therefore, if you’re emotionally exhausted and stressed, where do you start in taking care of yourself?

David C. Leopold, MD DABFM, DABOIM

Multiple studies clearly show that eating healthy improves mental health—reducing stress, anxiety and even depression. And any form of exercise, even just walking, is a potent natural anti-depressant.

— David C. Leopold, MD DABFM, DABOIM

If you ruminate too much, use an app to increase mindfulness or begin a meditation practice. Leopold suggests you don’t forget about finding meaning and purpose.

“Studies show focusing on meaning and purpose increases oxytocin, our ‘feel good’ hormone, which increases feelings of connection and improves mood.” Overall, he advises that you take this time “as an opportunity to focus on you and enrich your resilience.”

What Does Ghosting Say About a Person?

Despite ghosting being normalized, it’s more about the problem the ghoster is having than it is about you. Ghosting says a lot about the person in many different ways. For instance, it could say that they lacked the courage to do the right thing by explaining why they could no longer continue a relationship with you.

The person or people who ghosted you didn’t treat you with integrity and, therefore, did not consider the implications of their actions. It could also signal that they may not care about their actions and are inconsiderate or unreliable.

Or, it could be none of the above. The ghoster may be dealing with a mental health or medical condition (of a loved one or their own) that is making it difficult for them to reach out at the current time.

Whatever the case may be, being ghosted is not a reflection on you or your worthiness. Nor should it render you powerless.

Is Ghosting Emotional Abuse?

Ghosting is a form of silent treatment, which mental health professionals have described as emotional cruelty or even emotional abuse if done so intentionally. You feel powerless and silenced. You don’t know to make sense of the experience or have an opportunity to express your feelings.

This cowardly act, unfortunately pretty normalized by our culture, can cause immense pain. As you have no clue about what happened, your mind first jumps to many possibilities. Was your new love interest injured in a car accident? Is their family okay? Maybe it’s just a crazy busy time at work, and they will contact you again soon?

You might feel a wave of different emotions: sadness, anger, loneliness, confusion. Mental health professionals find that no response is especially painful for people on an emotional level. You feel helpless and shunned without information that could guide your understanding.

Research has found that ghostees are often left with feelings of sadness and hurt. More than that, it actually threatens many of their fundamental needs, including the need for control, meaning, and belongingness.


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Why It’s Harmful, What to Say Instead

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Key Takeaways

  • Toxic positivity can make people feel ashamed of their real emotions.
  • It’s important to allow yourself and others to feel all emotions, both good and bad.
  • Practice listening and showing support instead of shutting down emotions with positivity.

Toxic positivity is the belief that people should maintain a positive mindset no matter how dire or difficult a situation is. It means having a “good vibes only” approach to life and discarding any seemingly negative emotions. While there are benefits to being optimistic and engaging in positive thinking, toxic positivity rejects all difficult emotions in favor of a cheerful and often falsely positive façade.

Having a positive outlook on life is good for your mental well-being. The problem is that life isn’t always positive. We all have painful emotions and experiences. While often unpleasant, those emotions need to be felt and dealt with openly and honestly to achieve acceptance and greater psychological health. 

Toxic positivity takes positive thinking to an overgeneralized extreme. This attitude doesn’t just stress the importance of optimism—it also minimizes and even denies any trace of human emotions that are not strictly happy or positive.

Examples of Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity can take a wide variety of forms. Some examples you may have encountered in your own life include:

  • When something bad happens, such as losing your job, people may say to “just stay positive” or “look on the bright side.” While such comments are often meant to be sympathetic, they can shut down anything the other person might want to say about what they are experiencing.
  • After experiencing some type of loss, people might say that “everything happens for a reason.” While people will make such statements because they believe they are comforting, this is also a way of avoiding the other person’s pain. 
  • Upon expressing disappointment or sadness, someone may respond that “happiness is a choice.” This suggests that if someone is feeling negative emotions, it’s their own fault for not “choosing” to be happy.

Sometimes, these statements are well-intentioned or come from a good place, but are poorly worded. In other cases, people might not know what else to say and don’t know how to be empathetic. Still, it is important to recognize that toxic positivity can be harmful.

Toxic Positivity vs. Optimism

It is possible to be optimistic in the face of difficult experiences and challenges. But people going through trauma don’t need to be told to stay positive or feel that they are being judged for not maintaining a sunny outlook.

Why Toxic Positivity Is Harmful

Too much positivity is toxic because it can harm people who are going through difficult times. Rather than being able to share genuine human emotions and gain unconditional support, people who are faced with toxic positivity find their feelings dismissed, ignored, or outright invalidated. 

  • It’s shaming: Receiving toxic positivity can lead to feelings of shame. It tells people that the emotions they are feeling are unacceptable. When someone is suffering, they need to know that their emotions are valid and that they can find relief and love in their friends and family.
  • It causes guilt: Being toxically positive can also cause feelings of guilt. It sends a message that if you aren’t finding a way to feel positive—even in the face of tragedy—you are doing something wrong.
  • It avoids authentic human emotion: Toxic positivity functions as an avoidance mechanism. When people engage in this type of behavior, it allows them to sidestep emotional situations that make them feel uncomfortable. Sometimes, we turn these same ideas on ourselves, internalizing them. Then, when we feel difficult emotions, we discount, dismiss, and deny them.
  • It prevents growth: Toxic positivity allows us to avoid feeling things that might be painful. But this denies us the ability to face challenging feelings that can ultimately lead to growth and deeper insight.

The “positive vibes only” mantra can be particularly grating during intense personal distress. When people are coping with situations such as financial troubles, job loss, illness, or the loss of a loved one, being told that they need to look on the bright side can seem downright cruel.

Some even consider toxic positivity a form of gaslighting. This is because it creates a false narrative of reality, often causing you to question what you think and feel.

In some cases, toxic positivity may even be abusive. An abusive person might use it to devalue, dismiss, and minimize another person’s emotions and experiences. They might even use it as a way to downplay the seriousness of their abusive actions.

At their best, toxic positivity statements come off as trite platitudes that let a person off the hook for dealing with other people’s feelings. At their worst, these comments end up causing feelings of shame and blame in people who are often dealing with incredibly difficult situations.

Signs of Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity can often be subtle. Learning to recognize the signs can help you better identify this type of behavior. Signs that you might be toxically positive include:

  • Brushing off problems rather than facing them
  • Hiding your true feelings behind feel-good quotes that seem socially acceptable
  • Minimizing other people’s feelings because they make you uncomfortable
  • Shaming other people when they don’t have a positive attitude

It’s equally important to know when someone else may be acting toxically positive with you, potentially hurting your mental well-being. Signs that you may be on the receiving end of toxic positivity include:

  • Feeling guilty about being sad, angry, or disappointed
  • Hiding or disguising how you really feel
  • Trying to be stoic or “get over” painful emotions

Toxic positivity can also act as a coping mechanism to help people reduce or avoid stress. Rather than face a difficult emotion, people try to avoid it by putting a positive spin on a bad situation. While this might seem like an effective way of coping, denying or dismissing negative emotions can make it more difficult to cope with them.

How to Avoid Toxic Positivity

If you recognize toxically positive behaviors in yourself, there are things that you can do to develop a healthier, more supportive approach. Some ideas include:

Remember It’s OK to Not Be OK

Develop an attitude that “it’s OK to not be OK.” Instead of having a viewpoint that it’s wrong to have negative feelings, accept that it isn’t realistic to be okay all the time. Remind yourself that if someone doesn’t feel okay, that’s perfectly acceptable.

Manage Emotions Without Denying Them

Manage your negative emotions, but don’t deny them. Negative emotions can cause stress when unchecked. However, they can also provide important information that can lead to beneficial changes in your life.

Focus on Listening

Focus on listening to others and showing support. When someone expresses a difficult emotion, don’t shut them down with toxic positivity. Instead, let them know that what they are feeling is normal and you are there to listen. 

Non-Toxic Alternatives

  • I’m listening.

  • I’m here no matter what.

  • That must be really hard.

  • Sometimes bad things happen. How can I help?

  • Failure is sometimes part of life.

  • Your feelings are valid.

Coping With Toxic Positivity

If someone you know has a tendency to respond to your negative feelings with statements that aren’t supportive or emotionally validating, some ways you can respond to toxic positivity include:

Be Realistic

Be realistic about what you feel. When facing a difficult situation, it’s normal to feel stressed, worried, or even fearful. Don’t expect too much from yourself. Practice self-care and work on taking steps that can help improve your situation.

Challenge Toxic Positivity

Don’t be afraid to challenge the person being toxically positive. While challenging this type of response can be uncomfortable, confronting the person’s approach provides them the opportunity to grow. This can be especially helpful if facing toxic positivity at work, helping leaders evaluate the impact of their statements and actions.

Remember Emotions Can Be Mixed and Complicated

Know that it’s okay to feel more than one thing. If you are facing a challenge, it’s possible to feel nervous about the future and, at the same time, hopeful that you will succeed. Your emotions can be as complex as the situation itself. 

Find Meaning

Look for meaning behind what you’re going through. “Tragic optimism,” or searching for the meaning behind difficult situations, is the opposite of toxic positivity and, according to some, is considered the antidote to this type of response.

Notice How You Feel

Following “positive” social media accounts can sometimes serve as a source of inspiration but pay attention to how you feel after you view and interact with such content. If you are left with a sense of shame or guilt after seeing “uplifting” posts, it might be due to toxic positivity. In such cases, consider limiting your social media consumption.

Put Your Feelings Into Words

When going through something hard, think about ways to give voice to your emotions in a way that is productive. Write in a journal or talk to a friend. Research suggests that just putting what you are feeling into words can help lower the intensity of negative feelings.

In the end, give yourself permission to feel your feelings. These feelings are real, valid, and important. They are also informative and help you see things that need to change.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that you should act on every emotion that you feel. Sometimes it is important to sit with your feelings and give yourself the time and space to process the situation and accept your emotions before you take action. 

Press Play for Advice on Self-Worth

Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares tips for reframing your self-limiting beliefs, featuring Paralympic gold medalist Mallory Weggemann. Click below to listen now.

Follow Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts


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How to Spot the Signs in Your Relationship

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Key Takeaways

  • Lust is a strong sexual desire for someone and can exist alongside love.
  • Lust focuses on physical attraction; love focuses on emotional connection.
  • To keep lust healthy, always ensure consent and communicate openly with partners.

Lust is a feeling of having a strong sexual desire for another person. It is the initial driving force that attracts us to a potential partner and helps keep the passion alive in a long-term relationship.

Lust alters the chemicals in our brains. Hormones like testosterone, pheromones, and androgens all influence how lust may be experienced. This is also a part of our natural biological processes and the human instinct to procreate.

Upon seeing someone we find ourselves attracted to, we may experience lust and desire sexual intercourse with them to continue our species. People can experience feelings of lust upon meeting someone new or within a committed partnership.

Lust vs. Love: How Are They Different?

You may feel an undeniable connection to somebody and think that it’s love at first sight. It is important to note, though, that there is a clear difference between lust and love.

Ultimately, lust is strictly based on sexual attraction, whereas love is based on emotional desire. Verywell asked Erica F. Zajac, LCSW (they/them/none/he/she), a sex-positive and trauma specialist, to explore this distinction further.

Zajac says, “These two concepts are very different, and many people tend to confuse love with lust.” They go on to say that, “Some people may actually confuse the two concepts and believe they are ‘in love’ when, in fact, they are ‘in lust.'”

If you think you are experiencing love at first sight, the chances are likely that what you are feeling is lust and not love. So, how can you tell the difference?

Erica F. Zajac, LCSW

The best indicator is that feelings of love will come from an emotional place. This means that having sex does not need to be the reason you spend time with someone.

— Erica F. Zajac, LCSW

If you’re experiencing love, you will want to spend time with this person in a non-physical way, including bonding time, going out to eat, having conversations about long-term goals, or doing other things that are not sexual in nature.

Research has found that attraction, attachment, and lust are distinct but intertwined processes in the brain. So while different neurotransmitters influence love and lust, these circuits are connected and reinforce one another.

Lust

  • Based on sexual attraction

  • Similar to chemistry

  • Physical or surface-level connection

  • Disinterest in getting to know the person you’re lusting after

Love

  • More emotional in nature

  • Similar to compatibility

  • Deeper, more intimate connection

  • Interest in establishing a stronger connection than a sexual one

Although love and lust may be different, can the two feelings co-exist? Yes, they can. Zajac says that any time when we start dating someone new, we experience “new relationship energy” (or NRE), which is usually based on sexual desire (or lust).

How long lust lasts can vary, but this phase of a relationship often continues for up to two years. However, over time once a deeper, more emotional connection has been established, love can develop. At this time, lust and love can both be present in a relationship. 

Signs of Lust in a Relationship

What are some signs that you may be experiencing lust and not love? You may be feeling lust if you relate to any of the following characteristics:

  • If your feelings are only sexual in nature
  • If someone becomes less attractive after you recognize their flaws
  • If you do not have any desire to build a deeper connection with the person you experience lust toward
  • The relationship is short-lived 
  • You want to become intimate with the person who inspired the feelings in you
  • You are extremely attracted to somebody on a physical level 
  • Your heart rate increases 
  • Your palms may perspire
  • You experience butterflies around someone
  • You want to touch the person frequently 
  • You want to leave after having sex with somebody instead of staying to spend time with them

If you are experiencing a stronger connection with somebody and want to foster a deeper bond, then it’s possible you’re developing feelings of love instead of lust.

You don’t need to feel love to experience sexual desire, and feeling sexual desire doesn’t necessarily result in falling in love. Researchers have found that eye gaze can provide important clues about whether a person feels love or lust. Perhaps not surprisingly, the results found that people are more likely to look at a person’s face if they are feeling love, but eye gaze focuses more on the other person’s body if they are feeling lust.

Signs Your Partner Is Feeling Lust

So how can you tell if your partner is interested in a passionate fling or if they are looking for a more lasting connection? Are the signs of lust in a man different than they are in a woman? No matter who your partner is, there are some signs that they might be feeling lust but not love:

  • Things get physical fast
  • They don’t seem interested in your life outside of the bedroom
  • They don’t share details of their life with you
  • They aren’t interested in sharing their emotions (or hearing about yours)
  • Communication with them seems shallow and only revolves around flirting and innuendo
  • They seem to have a limited investment in the relationship
  • They aren’t willing to make plans for the future
  • There’s a lack of intimacy and emotional connection outside of the bedroom
  • Your conversations with them seem shallow and only focus on surface-level things like appearances or fantasies

Is Lust a Healthy Emotion?

Is lust a healthy emotion? The short answer is yes. It can be. According to Zajac, lust is not exactly “healthy” or “unhealthy” in and of itself. Rather, “how a person expresses lust may be healthy or unhealthy,” she clarifies.

To figure out if you are experiencing lust in a healthy or unhealthy way, she suggests reflecting on the downsides associated with acting upon it rather than focusing on whether the emotion itself is healthy or not. “Are there any negatives associated with it? There can be, but that is based mostly on behavior, not the actual feeling itself.”

How to Express Lust to Your Partner in a Healthy Way

How can folks experience lust without acting upon it but still expressing or honoring it healthily?

First, always ask for consent before initiating any physical or sexual behavior with another person. Openly communicate your desires with partners and potential partners to avoid miscommunications or incompatibility. 

When initiating the conversation about lust with a partner, prioritize honesty and transparency about your feelings. A conversation is critical if you feel lust toward a person outside of your relationship because it will allow you to address underlying reasons or whether your partner would be comfortable with you acting on that attraction.

In an effort to reduce the likelihood of conflict or infidelity, Zajac recommends not just asking your partner if you can engage in a sexual relationship with someone else. Instead, let them know that you’re experiencing attraction toward another person.

If they don’t respect how you feel, it’s up to you to decide how you’d like to continue the conversation and/or the course of the relationship. (Once again, honesty is key here.)

If you want to act on your lustful feelings with your partner or potential partner, it’s possible to accomplish that without causing issues. Here are some ways in which you can express lust in a healthy way to your partner or potential partner:

  • Giving your partner sexy comments that are not disrespectful (e.g., “you are so hot” or “I can’t wait to see you.”
  • Using facial expressions or your eyes to signal to your partner that you desire them
  • Sending a dirty letter, email, or text saying what you want to do to them (with their consent)
  • Sending sensual but not explicit photos (with their consent)
  • Talking dirty in their ear or via text (note: this is only appropriate if consent has already been established in a relationship)

How Not to Express Lust to Your Partner

Although lust is a natural emotion most people eventually experience, it’s important to be careful of how you act on it.

If lust is not expressed healthily or respectfully, instances of discomfort, abuse, or other issues may arise. Follow these tips to stay mindful of how and when not to express lust toward someone:

  • Toward anybody other than your partner when you are in a committed, non-monogamous relationship
  • If you lack the verbal consent of all involved
  • When consent and/or a person’s boundaries are violated
  • When you are not making decisions based on logic
  • When you are not sober and are in an intoxicated state from consuming alcohol, drugs, and/or substances
  • When trust may be breached among partners
  • If it may cause someone to feel uncomfortable
  • When a person is not respectful toward you (e.g., treats you like an object)
  • If the immediate gratification of acting on lust outweighs the long-term benefits
  • If you are acting out of desperation, addiction, compulsion, or obsession

What Happens After You Act on Feelings of Lust?

Depending on the situation, there can be small to severe consequences after acting on lust. If you act on lust in an “unhealthy” way, you may experience one or more of the following emotions or situations:

“It is important to pause, take a step back, and try to look at how you are feeling objectively (which is very hard but necessary),” says Zajac. To avoid unwanted and undesirable results, you will want to go slower in your sexual and romantic relationships.

Journaling and self-reflection can also help you understand your emotions and whether or not you are actively experiencing lust or something else. 

When Lust Has Positive Effects

Lust is a common, natural biological reaction that can offer many benefits. “When acted on with respect, lust can be fun, deepen a connection in a relationship, and even help repair issues within a relationship,” adds Zajac. Whether you’re single or in a committed partnership, healthily acting on lust can transform your relationship, depending on how you navigate it.

If you still find yourself wanting to act on your feelings of lust when the opportunity may end up being destructive or might cause harm, consider seeking the help of a relationship therapist or psychologist. This person may assist you in understanding where these feelings are coming from and what you can do to express it in a healthy way moving forward.

Morgan Mandriota

By Morgan Mandriota

Morgan Mandriota is a writer, the founder of Highly Untamed, and an expert writer at Verywell Mind.


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What Is ASMR? (Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response)

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Key Takeaways

  • Not everyone experiences ASMR, but those who do often feel pleasant tingles and relaxation.
  • ASMR triggers can include sounds like whispering or tapping, but each person may have different triggers.
  • Research shows ASMR can help reduce heart rate and may relieve anxiety and stress.

ASMR is the term used to describe a tingling, calming sensation some people report experiencing in response to close personal attention or certain audio or visual stimuli. ASMR stands for autonomous sensory meridian response. Autonomous means that the feeling is in your body, sensory means that your senses perceive the feeling, meridian refers to the energy of the feeling in your body, and response indicates that the feeling is a response to stimuli.

Not everyone experiences ASMR, but for those who do, they describe a pleasant tingling that starts at the top of their head and sometimes travels down the spine and limbs, accompanied by feelings of blissful relaxation and drowsiness. 

This article covers the ASMR definition, how ASMR feels, as well as the physiological impact of this phenomenon.

Who Experiences ASMR?

Just like not everyone gets chills when they listen to emotional music, not everyone experiences ASMR. At this time, there hasn’t been enough research on the phenomenon to estimate what percentage of the population has it.

For many who experience ASMR, they first notice this happy, calming sensation in their youth in response to someone paying close personal attention to them or watching someone carefully perform a task. 

The best way to know if you experience ASMR is to think of whether you get “chills” or a shivery sensation in response to certain stimuli. If you experience this pleasurable sensation when you hear, see, smell, or touch something, then you probably do experience ASMR.

It is important to note, however, that everyone responds to triggers differently. One person might experience the feeling in response to the sound of whispering, while another person might feel it when someone plays with their hair.

Research also suggests that people who experience ASMR may also be more likely to also experience synesthesia, a perceptual phenomenon in which one sensation triggers a separate perceptual response such as seeing sounds or tasting colors, for example.

History of ASMR

For people who experience ASMR, the realization that they feel these pleasant sensations when exposed to certain stimuli is not new. However, for many, the fact that there is a name for this experience and that others experience it as well is new information.

Naming the Experience

Different online forums have been abuzz for quite some time with people sharing their experiences with “brain tingles” or “brain orgasms.” But it wasn’t until 2010 that Jennifer Allen, a frequent contributor to these internet communities, decided to elevate the discourse and give the feeling a name.

She hoped that by doing so, she would make the experience more credible in the eyes of scientists, researchers, and ASMR-skeptics. Even with a new name, though, it wasn’t until five years later in 2015 that the first peer-reviewed, scientific study was conducted on ASMR. 

Spreading the Word

Craig Richard, a professor of physiology at Shenandoah University in Virginia, reached out to Jennifer Allen in 2013. The two collaborated to make an online survey about ASMR, which would go on to receive more than 30,000 replies. The survey asked questions about what types of sensations people experience during ASMR, what type of ASMR experience they prefer, and more.

The goal of having people fill out the survey was to collect data for an eventual global study on ASMR. Richard went on to found ASMR University, an online resource that educates, informs, and collects information on ASMR experiences.

Viral Videos

Research on ASMR may still be limited, but meanwhile, more and more people who long thought their experiences with ASMR were an anomaly have been finding comfort in like-minded communities of “tingleheads” online.

Over the past decade, creators of ASMR videos, or “ASMRtists,” have become incredibly popular, with fan-favorites like GibiASMR, GentleWhispering ASMR, and ASMR Darling amassing millions of followers on YouTube.

ASMR video creators use high-definition microphones that pick up every mouth noise, whisper, and finger flutter (a popular trigger) to try to stimulate an ASMR reaction in listeners and viewers.

Signs of ASMR

While ASMR shares some similarities between the chills some people experience when looking at an incredible painting or listening to a moving speech or piece of music, physiologically the phenomena are different.

The effects of ASMR are understood to be calming and somewhat sedating, while chills are more physiologically arousing.

  • The tingles from ASMR originate at the top of the head, whereas with art and music-induced chills they might start elsewhere, like your limbs or spine. 
  • The tingly, happy feeling people experience with ASMR is also comparable to the feeling that some get when someone massages their head or tickles their arm and they get chills or “goosebumps.”

However, ASMR can occur without any touch. “One of the key aspects of ASMR is that it’s a stimulus in a different modality triggering a feeling of touch and relaxation,” said Dr. Giulia Poerio, a professor of psychology at the University of Essex who wrote a peer-reviewed research article on ASMR. “So in some ways, it’s almost like a synesthetic experience.

ASMR is not unlike a crossing of the senses in that you’re receiving visual and auditory triggers that stimulate an almost tactile sensation. You experience a similar feeling to being massaged on the back of your head, but without actually being touched.”

People who experience ASMR report feeling:

Through their research, Poerio and her colleagues determined that people who experience ASMR had a significant reduction in their heart rate while watching ASMR-inducing videos, compared to participants who do not experience ASMR.

In fact, on average, those who experience ASMR had a heart rate decrease of 3.14 beats per minute while watching ASMR videos.

This rate is comparable to reductions seen in clinical trials for other relaxation methods including music and mindfulness. 

Types of ASMR

Situations that might elicit this response for those who experience ASMR include having their feet measured at a shoe store, someone applying makeup to their face, having their hair brushed or cut, watching someone carefully fold a sheet of paper, being checked into a hotel, or a teacher thoughtfully explaining something to them on a worksheet.

Stimuli that evoke an ASMR response can involve certain situations or the sense of sight, touch, or sound. Some of the most common ASMR triggers include:

Different people have varying ASMR triggers, and people experience them at varying intensities.

How to Practice

One way to see if you experience ASMR is to watch one of the more than 13 million videos on YouTube that were created to simulate experiences that might trigger ASMR. 

About ASMR Videos

To those who don’t experience ASMR, the videos might seem unorthodox. ASMRtists whisper quietly, accentuate mouth noises, and pop their consonants.

Video creators will roleplay ASMR-inducing social situations like having one’s hair washed, checking out a book at the library, or even receiving a tattoo. Some videos feature someone tapping their fingernails on different surfaces, like the back of a brush, a Tupperware container, or a remote control.

Scratching is also a popular trigger, so someone might scratch their nails along the cover of a book, a coaster, or a wicker basket. There are ASMR videos with talking and videos without. There are ASMR videos devoted solely to eating and some dedicated to the squishing of slime.

Often, the creators of these videos are people who say they also experience ASMR and were introduced to the community that way.

To those who experience ASMR and are in pursuit of tingles, these videos are just what they’re looking for. According to Poerio’s study published in the journal PLOS One, in a survey of 1,002 participants, some of the most popular ASMR triggers were people speaking softly, people using crisp sounds, slow movements, close personal attention, and getting a haircut. 

Impact of ASMR

A 2018 study performed functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) scans on ASMR-sensitive participants while they watched different types of ASMR videos. The researchers found that the following areas of the brain were activated:

  • Dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC): This region of the brain is associated with social cognition and caring for others.
  • Medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC): This region of the brain is linked with self-awareness, social cognition, and social behaviors. Oxytocin binds to mPFC receptors and promotes relaxation.
  • Nucleus accumbens (NAcc): This part of the brain is also linked with controlling feelings of reward, satisfaction, and other emotions.

The mPFC and NAcc, along with the insular cortex and left inferior frontal gyrus (IFG), were parts of the brain activated in participants while they watched ASMR videos. This is significant because they’re also parts of the brain that are known to activate when people engage in affiliate behaviors, which are care-receiving or caregiving acts.

When people engage in these affiliate behaviors, the brain releases dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins, which promote comfort, relaxation, and sleepiness. This could explain why ASMR-sensitive people report less anxiety and stress as well as better sleep as a result of watching ASMR videos.

Previous research also suggested that people who experience ASMR may have higher levels of empathy than those who don’t. This likely relates to the fact that the parts of the brain linked with social cognition and social behaviors are activated during ASMR experiences.

Tips and Tricks

If you want to try and experience ASMR or reap some of the potential relaxation benefits, there are some things that you can do that may help:

  • Find your triggers. Everyone responds differently to ASMR triggers, so the key is to figure out which ones cause a response. Start paying attention to how you feel when you see, hear, or touch certain things. If you ever feel a tingly, pleasurable sensation, you are possibly having an ASMR reaction to that trigger.
  • Practice alone. Find a place where you can sit quietly and pay attention to what you are feeling. Try concentrating on a specific part of your body, such as your arms, and gently brush your fingers over that part of your body.
  • Try ASMR videos. There are plenty of videos online that cover a wide range of trigger situations, sights, and sounds.
  • Wear headphones. You may be more likely to experience ASMR if you watch videos while listening with a pair of high-quality headphones that are able to produce high-quality sounds.

Potential Pitfalls

For some who experience ASMR, there is trepidation about sharing their experiences for fear that it will be misunderstood as sexually perverse or deviant.

“There’s sometimes a lot of shame and guilt associated with the experience of ASMR,” said Poerio. “Some people feel guilty experiencing this kind of pleasure when they don’t know that it’s something that other people have experienced as well.” 

However, as those who experience ASMR have long attested (and Poerio’s 2018 study confirmed), ASMR is not about sexual arousal.

“Something that I really do hope comes out of this research, as well as more widespread recognition of ASMR as an experience, is that people don’t have to feel like they have to hide [their ASMR experiences] or be ashamed of [them],” said Poerio. “I still see people who feel like that, and there’s no reason that they should. I hope knowing that they’re not alone is useful.”

What’s Next?

Every day, new people learn about the ASMR videos online. But as popular as these videos and communities are, not a lot of research has been done on ASMR—though more is underway. 

The study by Poerio and colleagues was groundbreaking in that it corroborated the anecdotal reports about ASMR and its relaxing effects through physiological data. For Poerio, she says, this is just the beginning.

Next, she would like to research what’s happening in the brain when someone is experiencing ASMR, how ASMR affects sleep, what percentage of the population experiences ASMR, and its potential therapeutic benefits. For example, how could ASMR be used to help alleviate the symptoms of stress, anxiety, and depression?

“It’s really interesting,” said Poerio, “ASMR is a complex emotional experience that some people have and other people don’t.” She would like to get to the bottom of that as well. 

If you are someone who experiences ASMR, this is an exciting time. Not only is there an abundance of ASMR-inducing content available to you, but so much is being discovered about this experience, and how it manifests physiologically in the body every day.

As more research is carried out, we may also learn more about the therapeutic potential of ASMR to help relieve symptoms of insomnia, stress, depression, and anxiety.


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