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We all experience the nerves in social situations, whether it’s the flutter of nerves you feel before giving a presentation or your heart rate increasing when meeting someone new.

But how do you know if these responses are just the occasional stomach butterflies or social anxiety?

What Social Anxiety Feels Like

Everyday tasks like going to work or school, taking phone calls, grocery shopping, or keeping appointments can feel overwhelming when you have social anxiety. You might also experience:

• Blushing
• Sweating
• Trembling
• Shallow breathing
• Rapid heartbeat
• Feeling watched or the “spotlight effect“
• Mind blanking 
• Nausea
• Dizziness
• Being extremely self-conscious
• Fearful of being criticized or rejected by others
• Avoiding situations where you might be the center of attention
• Avoiding being around other people
• Feeling anticipatory anxiety before any social event
• Mentally scrutinizing a social interaction when it’s over

“I pretty much always want to cancel and not go—it takes a lot just to get to the social part,” says Emily Taffel, 44, a mom and entrepreneur who has had social and general anxiety since childhood. “Physically, I get extremely overheated, my breathing speeds up, my heart races, I will get irritable very easily [and] in the worst scenario, it can become a full-blown panic attack.”

What Really Helps, According to Experts

The good news is social anxiety can be managed and overcome. Dr. Cook and Sosnowsky note that cognitive behavioral techniques can be helpful. Here are several approaches that actually work:

• Cognitive restructuring: This involves identifying and challenging irrational negative thoughts that fuel anxiety (cognitive distortions) and replacing them with more positive and realistic ones. For example, if you notice a negative automatic thought, like catastrophizing, jumping to conclusions, or labeling (“I’m such a bore”), take a moment to jot down evidence that challenges that belief. “You’ll likely discover the things we tell ourselves are overblown or just plain untrue,” says Sosnowsky.
• Exposure and response prevention (ERP): This CBT technique encourages people to gradually confront their fears and anxieties in a safe and controlled environment. Next, they’ll process their interaction with their therapist afterward to compare objective and subjective experiences, explains Dr. De Gannes. The more exposure a person has, the more confident they become in handling social situations, he adds.
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): Besides CBT, EMDR therapy can also be an effective tool for social anxiety, as it helps identify and work through traumatic experiences that may have led to social anxiety, says Jeanne Cross, a therapist specializing in EMDR and trauma-focused cognitive behavior therapy (TF-CBT).

Other treatment options include prescription medications, like SSRIs, SNRIs, beta-blockers, and benzodiazepines, says Dr. Daniella Marchetti, a Miami-based clinical psychologist. 

Self-Help Techniques

Medication and therapy aren’t the only treatment options for social anxiety disorder. There are other effective coping skills you can try to snap out of the fight-or-flight mode and overcome social anxiety:

• Paced breathing
• Body scan meditation
• Standing or walking barefoot on the ground
• Taking a short walk
• Holding something cold

“I write out my fears, then try to play the other side of it and remind myself most people don’t remember half of what you say because they are too absorbed in their own thoughts or anxieties,” says mental health blogger Lindsey Hall, 35.

Taffel likes to do the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise. It involves naming five things you can see, four you can hear, three you can touch, two you can smell, and one you can taste.

“I also look for the weird and the whimsical,” she says. For example, look around and spot three things you’ve never seen before (the weird) and three things that are out of the ordinary (the whimsical). “By the time I cycle through, I’m usually able to smile and feel calmer,” she says.

Lifestyle Changes

One thing to keep in mind with any form of anxiety is that it can be managed from the “neck down,” says Sosnowsky. Simple lifestyle tweaks that can help you tackle social anxiety include:

• Eating a balanced diet: Dr. Stanford suggests cutting back on processed foods and sugar as they can negatively affect your mood. Consider eating more whole grains, fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds, and fatty fish.
• Prioritizing movement: Regular exercise, like running, biking, tai chi, or even just a walk, can help calm your mind and ease anxiety, says Dr. Stanford. “Yoga helps me a lot to ground myself before going to something,” shares Hall. 
• Getting more probiotics: A study found that eating probiotic-rich foods (like yogurt, cottage cheese, and kimchi) is linked to fewer symptoms of social anxiety.
• Limiting caffeine and alcohol: Some people turn to alcohol to lessen their anxiety, but it can actually worsen symptoms over time, says Dr. Marchetti. “Caffeine can cause and worsen anxiety, as well,” she adds.
• Getting enough sleep: According to a 2023 study, sleep deprivation can lower mood, make it difficult to manage emotions, and may worsen anxiety symptoms. Try to keep a consistent sleep schedule and get seven to eight hours of sleep every night.

Small Daily Steps to Build Confidence

When you have social anxiety, it can feel tempting to cancel plans. But doing so only reinforces your anxiety and avoidance behaviors, says Dr. Cook. Here are six strategies to try instead:

• Start small: Start with small, simple interactions in controlled settings. Like saying “Have a good day!” to the barista or cashier as you leave. Similarly, if mingling for the entire happy hour fills you with dread, aim to strike up just one conversation before heading home, suggests Sosnowsky.
• Arrive early: “Getting to an event early to scope out the space and be there before a lot of other people arrive helps me,” says Taffel.
• Rehearse conversations: “I also practice conversation questions and talking points before going somewhere so that I don’t feel anxious trying to think of things to say,” shares Taffel. You can also try role-playing with a therapist or in a social skills group to better manage anxiety in real-life situations. 
• Use body language: Practicing body language skills like making eye contact, maintaining a relaxed posture, and a firm handshake may help you feel more confident in social situations. 
• Play to your strengths: “I try to avoid social moves that will make me feel more awkward,” says Hall. Whether it’s humor, kindness, great listening skills, or something else, playing to your strengths in social situations can make it easier to connect with others, enjoy the interactions, and avoid anxiety triggers. Similarly, stick to topics you’re confident in.
• Be kind to yourself: “Social anxiety gets us so caught up in our own heads—worried that people are judging us—when in reality, others are preoccupied with their own thoughts,” says Dr. Cook. So let go of self-criticism and give yourself grace if you do goof up. 

Building and Maintaining Relationships

Even though it may feel daunting, it’s possible to make new connections and build meaningful relationships despite having social anxiety. Here’s how to get started:

• Challenge the fear of judgment: Recognize negative thoughts for what they are—just thoughts. In reality, people are more likely to think about what others think of them than about you.
• Ask open-ended questions: This can help redirect attention to the other person, allowing you to feel more at ease and engage more fully in the conversation. “If there are people you know at an event, think about their interests and prepare a few questions to help pave the way for conversation,” suggests Dr. Marchetti.
• Find common ground: This could be similar life experiences, professions, food preferences, or shared hobbies. You can use these shared interests and experiences as talking points for future conversations and build meaningful connections. 
• Stay in touch: If making a phone call feels overwhelming, start with texts to check in or share updates. 
• Schedule catch-ups: Planned interactions can feel less anxiety-inducing than spontaneous ones. Choosing a familiar setting, like your favorite coffee shop, can also help you feel more in control. Making plans and following through shows the other person that you’re interested in developing the relationship and willing to put in the effort. 
• Say yes to invitations: Instead of turning down the invite, Dr. Marchetti suggests planning in advance for the event to reduce anxiety. For example, you can practice small talk topics, pick the outfit, and come up with an exit plan to politely excuse yourself if it feels too overwhelming. If possible, you can also look up the menu online and decide what you want to order beforehand.
• Avoid comparisons: “I can’t tell you how often I hear clients talk about their most charismatic, extroverted friend when discussing their own anxiety,” says Sosnowsky. The truth is, these people represent a very small minority. Remember, you don’t need to have the most outgoing personality to thrive in socializing, notes Sosnowsky.
• Join a support group: Dr. Marchetti suggests joining a support group for people with SAD to connect with others with shared experiences, develop healthy coping techniques, and practice social skills.

Passive-aggressive behavior can make friendship confusing. One second, you’re clinking glasses of espresso martinis over gossip. The next, you’re exchanging clipped text messages and what you think might be slight barbs.

It is easy to notice when a stranger causes offense, but when a prickly comment comes wrapped in a smile, it’s a bit harder to uncover. But that’s where we come in.

What Are Some Passive-Aggressive Red Flags? 

There are ~many~ passive-aggressive behaviors from ghosting to constant excuses. Here are some of the most common:

Inconsistent Communication

It’s the sign of all signs. When their words don’t match their actions, chances are they’re being passive-aggressive.

For example, if they invite you to join them at the last minute, accept your invitation but show up egregiously late, or accidentally forget to text you an address, they might be engaging in what Dr. Brook labels “subtle sabotage.” 

In essence, it’s “refusing to talk about what’s bothering them (even if you ask directly) but continuing to give you the cold shoulder or punish you for what they think you are doing wrong,” says Owens.

Going Along to Get Along

Someone might say they’re OK with you choosing to watch part two of “Emily in Paris” instead of going out, but their actions might indicate otherwise. Instead of communicating their feelings, they’ll shut down and start displaying passive-aggressive behaviors like talking in a droll tone or procrastinating.

“Some people will take the road of agreement just to avoid the conflict,” licensed therapist and wellness coach Shavon Terrel Camper says. “But they have this other undertone of, like, I don’t want to be here, and I don’t want to be doing this.” 

The Use of Unkind “Jokes” 

Pay attention to digs that come covered in giggles. When your friend throws out a sneak diss in the form of a joke, “they’re expressing anger and resentment in ways that are massed by humor,” Dr. Brook says. She calls this behavior “veiled hostility.” 

Their Face Is Unfriendly 

Sudden shifts in behavior can indicate passive-aggressiveness from a friend. Sometimes, this behavior isn’t borderline rude comments or heaps of poorly timed sarcasm but microexpressions.

“There are non-verbal cues to it,” Camper says. “They may smile, but it’s like it’s not a real smile; it’s just a cover-up smile.” 

What It Says About Your Friendship

Small slips of a sharp tongue can indicate what someone really thinks about your connection in a split instant. But since you’re not prepared for unkindness from a friend, it can leave you so confused you’re tempted to question your reaction to the sting. 

“You’re like, wait, was that just me thinking that that was mean, or was that actually mean?” Dr Brook says.

Their refusal to directly engage with what’s bothering them leads to harmful behavior. Even when the method is subtle, being on the receiving end of passive-aggression hurts. 

Are All Types Of Passive-Aggression Equal? 

Research shows that, while passive-aggression is a personality trait, it’s not an automatic mode for everyone. Some people are used to passive-aggressive behaviors because of how they grew up.

Then, there are others who are acting passive-aggressively because of circumstances. For example, if you and your friend have a typically stable relationship with no conflict but suddenly, they’re displaying passive-aggressive behaviors, something deeper might be going on, Dr. Cook says.

“Context is really important,” she adds. Your friend might be acting out because “they have a big stressor in their life.” This can include major life changes like switching jobs, getting divorced, planning a wedding, having a child, or relocating. Consider their situations before confronting them, as it could indicate their intentions.

What’s the Difference Between Passive-Aggression and Miscommunication?

The biggest difference between passive-aggression and miscommunication is intention. A passive-aggressive person is attempting to hurt you with their action or inaction, while someone miscommunicating may have accidentally (the keyword is accidentally) nicked your feelings. 

“Miscommunication is accidental and it happens when you aren’t able to express what you really mean or the person you are talking to misunderstands what you were trying to say,” says Hannah Owens, licensed clinical social worker and Verywell Mind editor.

Passive-aggressive, on the other hand, is “usually intentional, or at least, avoiding talking about your problems is intentional,” she notes. “Sometimes, a person has learned passive-aggressive behavior from their family and has internalized it, so they might not be aware that they are doing it.”

How to Tell the Difference

You can usually tell one’s intention by their tone. If their tone seems genuine, then their intention typically reflects that. A person engaging in passive-aggression behaviors, however, will have a frustrated or slightly exasperated voice.

And if you can’t gauge someone’s tone or intention, ask them questions. Dr. Brook recommends the following:

• What’s the intention behind it?
• Is the intention to be supportive, or is the intent to harm?

When Is Passive-Aggression Worth Confronting? 

If you value a relationship deeply, it can be worth confronting one’s passive-aggressive behavior in a positive manner. But only if it’s safe to do so. “It’s better to try to get things out in the open and talk about your problems rather than continuing to put up with (or to perpetuate) passive-aggression,” Owens explains.

How Can You Positively Confront Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Talking to a passive-aggressive person can be a huge headache. No one wants to hear ”I’m fine” repeatedly when everyone knows they’re! not! fine! Frustrating, right? But there are tips that make confronting your PA friend *much* easier—here are a few:

• Speak for yourself: Dr. Brook recommends using “I” statements to call out the behavior. Speak to your experiences. “I always tell people to focus on themselves and not place blame on the other person,” she says. 
• Get to the root of the issue: Research shows that uncovering the origin of their hostility can help alleviate any resentment or underlying feelings. “Tell the person how their behavior is making you feel, and say that you want to work together to solve the problem,” Owens says.
• Avoid matching their energy: When somebody starts “acting funny,” it’s human nature to want to be hilarious in return, but going tit for tat is not a strong strategy. Do not whisper to your mutual friends about the shift in their demeanor. Take it to them directly. 
• Consider cutting your losses:  When someone is being passive-aggressive and they have no desire to shift the way they interact with you, it’s hurtful and disappointing. You can not control them, though. You need to control the way you deal with them. That might mean walking away.