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When it comes to attachment, we can have one of four styles that dictate how we interact in close relationships. As an adult, this is especially true for romantic relationships. If we have an anxious (or preoccupied) attachment style we may be accused of being clingy, but it’s our fear of being rejected that leads to this behavior; if we have an avoidant (or dismissive) attachment style, we may seem indifferent or distance yourself in relationships, but it’s because we’re trying to protect ourselves from abandonment; and if we have a disorganized (or fearful-avoidant) style we might volley between anxious and avoidant behaviors creating a push-and-pull dynamic within a relationship.

If we have any of the three insecure attachment styles, we likely want to change our attachment style to reflect more of the fourth: secure attachment style. Who doesn’t want to feel safe and secure in our relationships, right? The good news is it can be done. But it takes time, effort, and often the help of a good therapist.

Changing Your Attachment Style

Though attachment style is often presented as fixed, in reality, it is possible to change your style. As marriage and family therapist Rachel Goldberg explains, this can happen at any point in your life. “For example, if a child has a secure attachment and then their caregiver dies suddenly or a child with special needs enters the picture, it can lead to a fear of being abandoned at any moment, resulting in the development of an insecure attachment.”

It’s more likely, though, that attachment style will change in adulthood. This could be a case of secure attachment changing to insecure attachment. “For example,” says Goldberg, “a couple in a healthy and secure relationship might experience a drastic change if one partner begins to abuse substances and becomes a completely different person, altering the dynamics of the relationship significantly.”

Katelyn Kivett, a licensed professional counselor in Connecticut and a licensed clinical mental health counselor in North Carolina observes, “When individuals become aware of their attachment patterns and… behaviors they’re able to consciously move toward healthier behaviors.”

This is called earned secure attachment. “As individuals move towards [the] behavior of secure attachment, such as setting boundaries and engaging in healthy independence and intimacy,” says Kivett, “they’re able to earn secure attachment.”

Factors Influencing Attachment Style Change

Attachment styles are created in our relationships with others. So attachment styles form, first, in the bonds between a child and their caregiver and, later, in adulthood may be changed by the bonds built in friendships and romances. But other things can impact attachment styles as well. Goldberg specifies these four things as especially important:

• Relationships: “Transitioning from safe and healthy relationships to unsafe and inconsistent ones or vice versa can play a key role in influencing style change.”
• Self-awareness: This is important for any attachment style, but particularly for those who want to change from insecure to earned secure attachment. “Recognizing that old attachment injuries have led to insecure attachments is necessary for anyone seeking intentional change.”
• Learning skills: Being able to learn “to communicate effectively, identify emotions, tolerate uncomfortable feelings, and develop emotional regulation skills” is important for anyone trying to change their attachment style.
• Trauma: “Trauma can change attachment styles, and self-awareness can help shield someone with a secure attachment from this impact.”

Research on Attachment Style Change

There are and continue to be a wide variety of studies on changes in attachment style. According to Goldberg, the most famous of these is the Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation from the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Child Development. While the study didn’t exclusively look at attachment style change, there are several publications that came out of it on this topic.

For example, van Ryzin, Carlson, and Sroufe conducted research about attachment discontinuity across individuals from the Minnesota Longitudinal Study that showed that stressors across time led to changes in individuals’ attachment styles.

Also, Kivett points to a study by Waters, Merrick, Treboux, Crowell, and Albersheim that looked at people in infancy and 20 years later. This study found that most people have a stable attachment style, but that negative life events, like the loss of a parent or physical or sexual abuse by a family member, were an important factor in attachment style change.

How to Change Your Attachment Style

Changing your attachment style from one of the three insecure styles to earned secure attachment can be challenging. Both Goldberg and Kivett agree that the first step is to understand your current attachment style and the behaviors that go with it. Once you’re aware of the behaviors you’d like to change, you can begin to do so.

Goldberg says that therapy can be highly beneficial in helping you change your attachment style. “It not only offers insight into someone’s patterns,” Goldberg explains, “but also creates a consistent, safe, and healthy environment that can model healthy boundaries and facilitate repair — all hallmarks of secure attachment.”

Kivett says that you can move toward an earned secure attachment style just by being around those who are securely attached, “thanks to mirror neurons (neurons that “mirror” an action performed by another individual) and co-regulation (when two people help one another regulate their emotions). The more times someone with anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment can experience being attuned to [a secure] individual, the more they’re going to move towards their own earned secure attachment.”  

In addition, Goldberg observes, “enhancing self-esteem through achieving goals, practicing self-care, expressing gratitude, and helping others…, improving communication skills, learning to express emotional needs, and establishing boundaries are also effective methods for individuals working to change their attachment style.”

Challenges and Limitations of Attachment Style Change

Attachment style is often deeply ingrained since childhood, and therefore, difficult to change. This can lead to challenges when you try to change your attachment style.

• First, according to Kivett, you may feel your insecure attachment style is valid. “For individuals with insecure attachment styles, the insecurity is often familiar and even comfortable. In order to feel safe enough to let these behaviors go, individuals will need to heal and process the wounds that led them [to their insecure attachment styles] in the first place.”
• Second, Goldberg says that we may have a tendency to choose relationships similar to caregivers that will perpetuate the cycle of insecure attachment. This can make it difficult to make intentional changes. “Changing an attachment style requires consistent effort, patience, and self-awareness, which doesn’t come easily,” especially if you are surrounding yourself with people that repeat negative patterns.
• In addition, Goldberg explains that setbacks can occur even after years of earned secure attachment. “For example, someone in a very safe, consistent relationship for years might face challenges if their partner becomes seriously ill with a chronic illness,” Goldberg says. “This change can create a dynamic that no longer feels secure for that person and may trigger very old feelings of abandonment.”

“Masking” refers to when an individual hides or suppresses symptoms, behaviors, or difficulties they are experiencing. While it can happen intentionally, it often occurs unconsciously over time as an individual receives negative feedback for their authentic presentation.

While many think of masking as a neurodivergent behavior, particularly for autistic people or those with ADHD, people with various diagnoses mask for a variety of reasons. Learn how masking manifests for people with various mental health concerns, the problems it can cause, and how to overcome this habit.

What Is Masking?

Masking, sometimes referred to as “camouflaging,” occurs when someone attempts to hide their mental health symptoms in an effort to blend in with people around them. They may copy other people’s demeanor or actions or engage in compensatory behaviors. The goal of masking is to appear as though you are not experiencing mental health symptoms or struggling even when this is not true.

Masking can be compared to writing with your non-dominant hand. Up until the mid-20th century, children who are naturally left-handed were punished and forced to use their right hand instead because this was considered “correct.”

These children grew into adults who used their right hand even though this is not what came naturally to them. They were forced to mask which hand they favored, and even if they learned to write this way, it took extra effort to learn and maintain.

Neurodivergent children and those with mental health issues learn to present in the way they think adults consider “correct,” much like writing with their non-dominant hand. While they might be able to look convincingly like their neurotypical peers, the act takes additional effort and resources to pull off.

What Does Masking Look Like?

Masking can present in different ways, all of which can be stressful and require the individual to suppress or hide who they really are in order to fit in:

• Social Masking. This refers to when someone engages in social behaviors that do not come naturally to them, such as making eye contact even when it is uncomfortable or mirroring body language to avoid standing out.
• Behavioral Masking. This can mean hiding fidgeting or stimming behavior.
• Compensation. An individual might compensate by spending more time and energy on tasks than their peers in order to hide that they are struggling. People with ADHD often mask by compensating.

Why Do People Mask?

In short, people mask to protect themselves from backlash that occurs when they are not masking or to be accepted by other people.

Stigma about mental health and neurodivergence, as well as fear of ableism and discrimination, lead to masking among various populations. People may also mask because they simply want to fit in or be like their peers.

A person may not realize that they are masking. From a young age, the people around us communicate expectations for behavior. Neurodivergent children, or those with any mental health difficulty, may realize that they do not live up to these expectations as naturally or easily as many of their peers, and this realization causes stress. In an effort to fit in and meet these standards, they may begin to mask their symptoms and behave in ways that are not natural to them.

When masking happens unintentionally, the person might not recognize that it is happening and could continue masking even when their natural behaviors are not harmful, or when no one is around to judge them or take issue with their behavior.

Signs of Masking

Since masking can occur unconsciously, you might not realize that you are doing it or the impact it is having on your mental health. It takes time to realize that you are masking and to unlearn the behavior.

If you notice that you tend to look to others before deciding what to do in various situations, you might be masking by mimicking their behavior. If you do not feel like these choices come naturally to you, and you instead try to copy what you see, you might be masking your social behavior.

If you find that you suppress certain body movements because you are worried that they will look strange or people will comment on them, you may be masking your behavior in order to fit in. You might notice that there are certain movements or actions that you find calming, but you do not feel comfortable with anyone seeing them. This can be a sign of behavioral masking.

You may feel exhausted after social engagements, like you need to spend time alone in order to decompress and “feel like yourself.” This might be a sign that you are masking in those settings.

The Impact of Masking

Feeling like you must behave in a way that is inauthentic to your true self is exhausting, especially when you believe that others will not accept you or punish you for showing your true self.

Masking has been shown to increase mental health issues and stress, and for autistic people in particular, long-term masking increases the risk of suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

In the long term, masking can lead to burnout, especially in autistic people. Behaving in ways that do not come naturally over a long enough period of time wears the person out in unsustainable ways.

In addition to the mental health concerns of masking, individuals who mask may struggle to receive appropriate support for their difficulties because they do not show symptoms in a way that others can recognize.

Masking can prevent people from receiving an accurate diagnosis, as professionals do not recognize masked traits. This is particularly prevalent in autistic women, who are often not diagnosed with autism because their behavior mimics that of their neurotypical peers.

Even if the behavior or trait being masked does not harm the individual, someone else, or cause irreparable damage, masking can still cause more harm than good.

Unmasking

As you begin to recognize your masking behavior, you might not feel comfortable or safe fully unmasking in every situation. Stigma and discrimination are valid concerns, and everyone is sometimes in a setting where they cannot fully be their authentic self (for example, many people have a “work face”).

At the same time, learning who you are and how you behave when you are unmasked can help you recognize when it is safe to unmask. Find spaces where you feel safe unmasking, and try out different social interaction styles or stimming behaviors. As you get to know your authentic self, you might feel less burned out or worn down by masking.

As a psychologist and autistic adult, I have supported others experiencing limerence and also experienced this state of mind firsthand.

Cheshire Cat, an autistic adult describes the experience as “having a special interest that’s a person … with the highest highs and the lowest lows that you have yet to imagine possible.” Cat says that learning about limerence was validating of their experience but also surprising. The feelings are intense, overwhelming, and difficult to cope with.

Andi, another autistic adult, agrees that the experience is “intense and obsessive, like they’re the only thing you can think about.” She shares that it can also come with a sense of shame: “Why can’t I stop?”

Understanding what you are feeling can help you cope with limerence in healthy ways.

What Is Limerence?

Many autistics, including Cheshire Cat and Andi, describe limerence as having a special interest in another human. This can be parasocial–feeling strong, and can feel similar to an intense crush, with amplified feelings and difficulty redirecting your thoughts and attention.

Suz Vera Burroughs, MS, Ed, BCTMB, describes limerence as “intense, involuntary fixation on another person.” Many autistic people experience limerence, but it can happen to anyone and can also be common among those with ADHD, PTSD, and other forms of neurodivergence.

Nikki Huijun Li, LMFT, R-DMT, shares that limerence can feel like “obsessing” or abandoning other interests. While this can lead to feelings of shame, Li has found it helpful to “name that experiencing limerence doesn’t make you a bad person.”

Why Limerence Can Be More Intense for Autistic People

While the experience of limerence is not unique to autistic people, it is common for autistics, as autistic traits can predispose one to experiencing limerence. Many autistic people have intense interests, and when that intensity is focused on a person, limerence can occur. They can also get stuck on an area of interest, struggling to shift focus to something else. This is also known as hyperfocus or hyperfixation.

Many autistics also have a drive to seek sensory input, including emotions. Limerence can include romantic attraction, which can be a very positive and enjoyable feeling. This can lead to a drive to pursue that emotion.

When Is It Limerence and Not Love?

Not sure if what you are experiencing is limerence versus a healthy attachment or love? Here are some signs:

• Intrusive thoughts about a person that are difficult to redirect
• Intense feeling of being drawn to the person
• Feeling a close connection when the person has not indicated that this is reciprocated
• Feeling emotionally dependent on the person, even if you have only known them a short time
• Feeling the urge to repeatedly make contact with them, even if they have not responded

How to Cope With Limerence

• Seek support: Burroughs states, “It’s good to talk with someone about the tension between two beliefs: hope that some parts can be ‘fixed,’ and despair that others cannot. Ultimately, that is the wrong frame. The truth is more holistic: We can work skillfully with both our wiring and our wounding. This confusing time can surface a lot of grief and seems to be a stage that’s needed in order to process and prepare for what’s next.”
• Let go of shame: Li shares that limerence can come with feelings of shame about how intense the emotions are or how one’s behavior might change around limerence. They emphasize the importance of remembering that feeling limerence does not equate to being a “bad person.”
• Practice a grounding meditation: Burroughs shares, “One meditation I use for these moments is what I call the ‘open palm practice,’ which I designed specifically for limerence-type feelings.” [Here’s what it looks like]:
• Sit somewhere comfortable and put on something steady in the background: This might be Lo-Fi study beats, ambient gaming music, or any sound that helps you stay grounded.
• Place the open palm of your dominant hand in front of your solar plexus, and gently ask yourself: ‘What does it mean to hold on with an open palm?’
• This simple exercise reminds me that authentic connection is both mutual and consensual. Fear of abandonment, like a tight grip, can crush what’s delicate. But when we hold with openness, we make space for something far more nourishing to land, and maybe stay, by choice.’”

Respecting Boundaries

Remember, while feelings of limerence can be intense, it is still not appropriate to cross people’s boundaries. “Morgan,” who asked to go by a pseudonym in this piece for anonymity, is an autistic adult who was on the receiving end of limerence. They had joined an online social group and connected with someone from the group in real life, “Skylar.” Morgan said they enjoyed meeting Skylar but did not feel “a personal friendship” from the interaction.

After spending time together, Skylar asked to send them a gift for an upcoming holiday. Morgan agreed, but after sending the initial gift, Skylar began sending Morgan love letters and messaging them on several different platforms. Morgan felt like Skylar had taken “big leaps and assumptions” about the nature of their connection and relationship, including referring to their meeting as a “date” when this had never been discussed.

Burroughs shares an experience being on the receiving end of limerence also: “While I have compassion and so on, it was very intimidating and even frightening. If you’re in the throes of it right now, please take a breath, step back, and calm the f down (kindly),” she says. “Your nervous system may be telling you that this connection is a matter of survival, but that’s old wiring talking.”

Bottom Line

Feelings are valid, even when they are intense. It is easy to feel ashamed or guilty about intense feelings toward another person, especially if they aren’t mutual. It is OK to feel limerence and struggle to cope with rejection, but it is also important to respect boundaries.

Acting on your limerance can be intense, uncomfortable, or even upsetting for the recipient. Know that if your feelings are not reciprocated, this is not a reflection of your worth or that your feelings are wrong.

On the flip side, being on the receiving end of behaviors stemming from limerence can feel uncomfortable and intense—you are allowed to set boundaries.