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When the clock strikes midnight signaling the start of a new year, many adults will have committed themselves to a New Year’s resolution.

Whether it’s to lose weight, get out of debt, pursue a coveted hobby, socialize more, or something else, for many, making New Year’s resolutions is part of the festivities. And with so many people committing to goals for the new year, the hope and optimism that change can happen is in the air. The reality is, however, that over 90% of New Year’s resolutions will be abandoned within just a few months.

Why aren’t we more successful at keeping our New Year’s resolutions? Some reasons include the idea that we’re thinking too big, we’re not considering the ‘why’ behind them, and the fact that we may not be ready for change.

Why Do We Make New Year’s Resolutions?

In many ways, the ritual of making resolutions on New Year’s is arbitrary. After all, we can set goals at any time. What is it about the turning of the calendar year that makes us especially likely to commit to big goals? “The New Year [is] an opportunity for reflection,” observes licensed clinical psychologist Terri Bly of Ellie Mental Health in Mendota Heights, MN.

Jennifer Kowalski, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks in Cheshire, CT, agrees with this assessment. “A new year represents a fresh start, and people need something to signal a moment to refresh…” Kowalski notes, “…when something comes to an end, it’s an opening to a new beginning.” And since everyone in the world experiences the new year on the same day, it’s a moment where many of the people around us are looking back on the old year and thinking about how to improve their lives in the new year. Consequently, the desire to make resolutions can be especially strong.

Yet, even though so many of us make New Year’s resolutions, we also regularly fail to keep them. So why do we even bother if we know our chances of success are slim? According to Bly, “As humans, we do tend to be optimistic in the face of evidence.” So even if we know the success rate of resolutions is low or we’ve failed to keep a New Year’s resolution in the past, each new year offers hope that this time our resolutions will finally stick.

Why Resolutions Fail

Unfortunately, optimism alone won’t result in the change we want. The reality is there are a number of things about the way we make New Year’s resolutions that set us up for failure before we’ve even started.

We’re Thinking Too Big

One of the biggest issues with New Year’s resolutions is that they often revolve around huge changes like adjusting our eating habits, getting more sleep, or becoming fluent in a new language. “Where we go wrong with New Year’s resolutions is there’s this idea that it’s supposed to be some big, sweeping change, because that sounds kind of sexy,” Bly explained. “[But] as humans we’re not wired to make big, sweeping changes.”

Kowalski concurs, sharing, “In order to change a behavior, you have to be uncomfortable and nobody wants to be uncomfortable. So in order to see a lasting change, you have to be in a state of discomfort for a really long period of time…. People tend to set [New Year’s resolution] that are really big, and they might be achievable, but there are probably 30 steps they needed to take before they get to that place. And so they make it unattainable by not setting smaller, more immediate goals.”

As a result, if we want to be able to meet our goal of, say, learning a language, we need to set smaller goals along the way to be successful, like devoting five minutes a day to learning a new word or phrase. That way we can ease ourselves into the change, instead of making an overwhelming change that we probably can’t sustain like planning to be fluent in the new language in four months.

We Aren’t Asking Why

Change is hard, and as a result, Bly says, “the pain of not changing has to be greater than the pain of changing for us to really… change.” However, many of our resolutions tend to involve things we feel we should do. But when we focus on what we should do, we’re not focusing on what’s in it for us. One way we’re more likely to change is to get at the heart of our internal reason for wanting to.

“Usually New Year’s resolutions are optional things,” Bly notes, “and so if we hate doing it, any goal we set is just pain and we’re not really sure what the reward is going to be, we’re not going to do it.” For example, if our resolution is to go to the gym three times a week but we hate going to the gym, we won’t meet our goal. 

Instead, Bly explains, we need to know our personal reasons for our goal. If that’s to go to the gym, we need to dig deeper and ask ourselves why. For instance, if we want to go to the gym, is it because we want to get in shape, because we want to feel healthier, or something else?

If we know the reason we’re making a particular resolution, we may find there are other routes to achieving it that will be more enjoyable and satisfying for us and, therefore, make us more likely to stick with it over the long term. “[We need to have an] understanding of… what is the thing I want for myself? How might I get that?” Bly observes. “That is going to be way better than a ‘should.’”

We Aren’t Ready to Change

Another reason we can’t commit to our New Year’s resolutions long-term is that we aren’t ready to change. Bly points to the Stages of Change model as a way to understand the process people go through before they’re psychologically ready to change. The model consists of the following stages:

• Precontemplation: You’re starting to become aware that there may be something to change
• Contemplation: You’re thinking about making a change
• Preparation: You start putting a plan together to make a change
• Action: You make the change
• Maintenance: You determine how to maintain the change

Bly posits that the people who stick with their New Year’s resolutions are likely at the Action stage when they make their resolution, while those that fail are not. This indicates that people who make New Year’s resolutions on a whim are unlikely to succeed. Instead, a certain amount of thought and psychological—and possibly physical—preparation and planning has to go into a New Year’s resolution in order to sustain it.

Creating Lasting Change

Kowalski notes that we often stay the same out of habit, but change can become a habit too—if we stick with it. However, when we set big, overwhelming New Year’s resolutions, we also set up the expectation that we’re going to turn over an entirely new leaf on January 1. But real change requires incremental changes so we can make ourselves comfortable with the change and ensure the change becomes habitual. 

“If you go all in and you only do it for the month of January, that doesn’t create a habit,” Kowalski says. “It’s about getting yourself in the habit of doing [new things].” But that only works if you’ve created a New Year’s resolution that isn’t too uncomfortable and makes you believe you can keep at it.

As a result, instead of setting one big New Year’s resolution that people may quickly come to believe is unattainable, Bly suggests that New Year’s might be a good time to create a timeline for the next year that sets a variety of small milestones that will help us get to a bigger goal over time. While it’s not as sexy as a traditional New Year’s resolution, this will work better with our psychology and make it far more likely that the changes we make actually last.

We have a natural tendency to dwell on the past. After all, our experiences and decisions—including the good and the not-so-pretty—ultimately help inform who we are today and can have a lasting impact on our world. As important as past experiences are, though, they don’t have to define us or hold us back in our present lives or our future. 

Learning how to unchain yourself from past traumas or regrets is one of the most freeing things you can do for yourself. Not only does it release you from stifling guilt or paralyzing fears, but it sets you up to jump into a future that’s exciting and fulfilling.

We spoke with two mental health experts about why we tend to dwell on the past, why letting go is so important, and actionable steps you can take to move forward and foster personal growth. 

Why Letting Go Is Important 

It’s easier said than done, but letting go of the past and fully stepping into the future can benefit you and your relationships from every direction.

“It’s so important to let go of previous regrets and burdens because [not doing so] keeps us stuck in the past and robs us from living in the present,” says Nicholette Leanza, LPCC-S, a therapist at LifeStance Health.

The tricky part, of course, is that letting go isn’t exactly easy. Leanza notes that our brains are hard-wired to hold onto negative thoughts and experiences more than the positive ones. This is likely an evolutionary holdover, where remembering things that went wrong ultimately helped our ancestors develop the all-important skill of not dying.

While acknowledging the past can still come in handy in today’s world, letting those negative experiences permeate our everyday moves or greater existence can ultimately backfire when it comes to happiness and life satisfaction.

Step-By-Step Guide to Letting Go of the Past 

As challenging and emotionally taxing as it may be, letting go of painful feelings and experiences is a process we can learn and practice over time.

“Letting go does not mean pushing away or suppressing the emotions—as our emotions are valid and represent experiences and interactions that were or are painful,” notes Theresa Busardo (MHC-LP), therapist at Empower Your Mind Therapy.

Here’s a detailed, step-by-step guide on letting go.

Step 1: Acceptance

Acceptance is deeply powerful. By acceptance, we mean sidestepping denial and avoiding strong desires to change reality. It’s about accepting the world as it is, people as they are, and you as yourself.

Leanza says “This is an important first step in letting go, and what goes hand-in-hand with acceptance is the actual decision to let go. Letting go of our emotional baggage is a process and we must choose to let it go.”

Step 2: Forgiveness

Forgiveness follows acceptance. Once we’re able to accept the things we cannot change, it becomes easier to step forward and make peace with the past.

“This step is more about no longer allowing the hurt, pain, anger, and shame to hold you prisoner,” Leanza says. “We think forgiveness is what we do for others, but it’s really about releasing ourselves from our own emotional prison.

This also means forgiving yourself and practicing self-compassion. This may be even more difficult than forgiving others, particularly if you struggle with feeling worthy or deserving.

However, studies have shown that doing the work to forgive ourselves has a positive effect on our well-being by helping us become more positive and reducing depressive feelings.

Step 3: Focus on the Present

Mindfully focusing on the present can boost feelings of happiness and put you in the driver’s seat of your thoughts and emotions, notes Busardo. She recommends taking a page from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) here and familiarizing yourself with the “Three States of Mind.”

“This helps describe a person’s thoughts and behaviors based on emotional, reasonable, and wisdom minds. Emotion and logic are of equal importance and come together to form Wise Mind,” Busardo explains. “The idea of ‘wise mind’ is for the consideration of accessing emotions at the same time as considering your logical and rational factors. Wise mind is considered the optimal state of mind for decision making.”

Step 4: Embrace Change

The reality of the world is that it doesn’t follow a straight path. It’s often full of twists and turns, and our ability to adapt to these changes can help us in the long-term. This is challenging for a lot of people because our brains naturally gravitate toward routine and familiarity (even if it’s negative).

“Embracing the present through change allows us to dismantle what may have had us stuck in thoughts, behaviors, or patterns that no longer serve us, or keep us rooted in the past we cannot change,” Busardo says.

“Be open and accepting of mistakes or trauma and begin to be open to changing perspective and behaviors,” she says.

Step 5: Seek Support

There’s so much to gain anytime you can lean on another’s shoulder. This step can take on many iterations, ranging from speaking with a trusted friend to seeing a therapist to attending group support sessions.

“This step is so imperative because we are social creatures, and definitely need our village around us,” Leanza says. “Seeking support from others on our journey of letting go is a significant key to our success in being able to let go.”

Additional Tips for Emotional Healing

Let the above guide on learning how to let go of the past serve as your guideposts. You may waver and bounce between the steps, but the goal is ultimately to practice acceptance, forgive, live in the present, embrace change, and lean on others along the way.

Here are some additional tips to help you process the past and feel excited about the present and future.

Practice Radical Acceptance

This skill involves accepting reality at face value without trying to change it. “Accepting a situation when the circumstances are out of our control can reduce the suffering we feel. Instead of being attached to our past pain, Radical Acceptance provides, in practice, a lack of judgment toward our experiences and a detachment from them allowing us to move beyond it,” Busardo says.

Remember That We’re All Complex and Imperfect

When someone hurts us, our first instinct may be to assign malicious intent to them. Sometimes, though, rewiring our thought process to recognize that humans complex and imperfect can release us from some of that hurt

Leanza says that seeing this person as a “suffering human” or complex figure (versus pure villain) can help you view them through a kinder and more empathetic lens, which helps in forgiveness.

Draw Boundaries Where Necessary

While accepting others’ imperfections can help us see them in a more forgiving light, some scenarios require us to create firm boundaries that help protect our emotional well-being.

Use Daily Affirmations

A repeated mantra can help rewire your brain to let go of the past and look to the future. Some mantras that Leanza uses with her patients include: “I will no longer allow my anger about this control and define me;” “I have the strength to let go and I choose peace to radiate within me;” “I embrace the present moment as the past no longer has to define me.”

Learning how to let go of past wounds, regrets, and experiences is a skill that we must learn and practice. Even initiating the process can have great benefits, such as decreased suffering and improved relationships. Over time, we’ll become better at accepting the past and the world around us, find more forgiveness and peace, and live a fulfilling life that looks to the present and future.

Object permanence refers to the ability to understand that objects still exist even when they are out of sight. Technically, that ability is not impaired in people with ADHD. What is impaired is the ability to remember things without some kind of sensory cue, like seeing it right in front of you or hearing a verbal reminder.

Essentially, it’s ‘out of sight, out of mind.’ While the term object permanence is often used to describe this tendency in ADHD, it’s important to remember that it’s not actually what people are experiencing. They don’t forget that things exist just because they can’t see them. Object constancy might be a better term to describe this forgetfulness and the need for reminders.

What Object Permanence Issues Look Like in ADHD

Object permanence is a developmental milestone. It’s the ability to understand that things exist, even when they can’t be seen. It typically emerges around the ages of 6 to 9 months. People with ADHD don’t actually have problems with object permanence. They know objects continue to exist, but they may not actively remember them without some reminder.

I’ll put a pot of water on the stove to boil for pasta. Then, I’ll leave the kitchen to do something else while I wait for it to boil. Almost immediately, I’ll completely forget that there’s a pot of water boiling on the stove—until I happen to walk into the kitchen a few hours later and find an empty pot sitting on a hot burner.

It’s not that I don’t understand that objects keep existing. It’s just that I need constant visual or audio cues to prevent myself from forgetting them.

The same forgetfulness happens with people, too. I’m really good at maintaining contact with people who live in the same house as me. But it takes an elaborate system of social “cues” and planning to make sure I keep in touch with people I don’t see every day—because my brain is simply too distracted by whatever present activity or environment it’s in to remember.

This puts a lot of strain on friendships because forgetting to visit and check in on people looks a lot like simply not valuing that person enough to remember them. Even I still wrestle with the worry that maybe I am just a cold and callous person—right up until I meet up with a friend in person and all the love and fun memories come flooding back at the sight of them.  

The Science Behind Object Permanence

The underlying process creating these object permanence problems in ADHD likely has more to do with poor working memory than with any lack of understanding that objects and people keep existing even when we can’t see them.

If you’re driving to the post office, for example, that memory of how to get there moves into your working memory along with a list of what you need to bring with you and the reason you’re going there.

Because of the attentional difficulties at the root of ADHD, though, the brain has a hard time filtering out irrelevant information and focusing only on relevant details. In your external environment, it doesn’t know which sensory input to focus on. When recalling information, it struggles to pick which specific long-term memories to pull out of storage.

When it comes to object permanence, a cluttered working memory makes it hard to recall specific objects or people from the depths of that clutter. It also means that the contents of your working memory are constantly being replaced with whatever input happens to be present at that moment.

It’s easy to remember the pot of boiling water when you’re staring at it, but not when you leave the room. Your attention is redirected toward the laundry on the couch you still haven’t folded, the snacks you left on the coffee table, or the latest posts on the Instagram feed you thought you’d scroll through while you waited for the water to boil.

Coping with Object Permanence Issues

For people with ADHD, using an elaborate system of sensory cues is really one of the most reliable ways to overcome object constancy issues.

Use Visual Cues Whenever Possible

In my experience, visual cues are the most effective. An alarm on my phone reminding me to take my medication can be dismissed before I’ve actually taken them. But today’s pill sitting out on my desk is a clear and constant reminder that I have not taken my meds yet.

Remind yourself of the date by picking out your outfit and hanging it on a door. Decorate your walls with photos of friends and family to act as reminders to reach out to people if you struggle to maintain relationships.

Create a Space Where Visual Cues Stand Out

As powerful as visual cues are, too many of them can create so much clutter that no single cue stands out as a reminder anymore. If your desk is always cluttered with papers, adding that bill you need to pay to the pile will cause it to just blend into the pack.

Likewise, an already messy space makes it difficult for your brain to pick out the cues you left for yourself. Make sure you’re clearing out older visual cues regularly and putting stuff you don’t need to remember right away out of sight.

When your ADHD symptoms make it too hard to actually clean, just toss stuff into the most appropriate bin. That way, the clutter is now at least contained to a few containers instead of all over your home. Meanwhile, if you need to find something, the labels will help you narrow down which bin you most likely put the thing in. Whenever you get a burst of motivation, you can take a container and put the things wherever they’re actually supposed to go.

Create Reminders and Alarms for Absolutely Everything

For things you can’t easily create visual cues for, use audio cues like alarms and reminders on your phone. Just make sure they have these three traits:

• Automatic. For things you need to do regularly, set up recurring reminders: a medication reminder that goes off at the same time each morning, a monthly reminder to pay rent, and a weekly reminder to call your mom.
• Clear labels. If your medication reminder isn’t labeled something like “take meds,” there’s a good chance it’ll go off tomorrow morning, and you’ll have to strain to remember what that alarm was for.
• Realistic timing. Set the reminder to alert you at a time when you’ll likely be able to do that thing right away. A morning reminder to call your mom won’t help if you cannot make the call until after work. Instead, set it to go off when you usually get home from work.

Tie “Social Cues” to Established Routines

Unfortunately, it isn’t really practical to have everyone you care about live in the same house as you so that they’re always present as visual reminders to visit them.

While I’ve tried creating a social calendar, complete with automatic reminders, to get me in the habit of checking in regularly, I found that too many alarms diluted their impact the way too much clutter in your environment can drown out visual cues.

I’m still working on convincing my brain to make this an automatic habit, so I still forget to add the social piece about half the time. But that half of the time that I call or text someone during those activities has already helped me keep in touch with people on a much more regular basis than I used to.

Anxiety medication can provide relief for people who are experiencing symptoms of anxiety or anxiety disorders. Some anxiety medications can be taken as needed when a person is feeling anxious. In other cases, medications need to be taken regularly in order to provide more lasting relief.

Anxiety disorders are more than just a case of nerves. They are recognized mental health conditions that can make it more difficult to cope with life’s ups and downs—even sometimes making it harder to enjoy or even participate in daily activities.

Fortunately, there are a number of anxiety medications available to treat anxiety disorder symptoms. Learn what these medicines are, how they work, their benefits, and their potential risks.

It can take up to six weeks for anxiety medications to start working. They can be particularly helpful when used along with psychotherapy.

Medications for Anxiety That Can Help

There are four major classes of medications used in the treatment of anxiety. Each class attempts to reduce anxiety in a different way and has its own benefits and risks.

While some anxiety medications may be considered preferred options, drug selection can vary based on the type of anxiety you have and your symptoms. The amount of time you are on the drug can vary as well.

For instance, if you take antidepressant medications, your healthcare provider may recommend that you continue to use them for four to nine months after symptoms have resolved. But if you take benzodiazepines, you should only use them short-term.

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs)

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are currently the first-line medication for many forms of anxiety. They work by causing more serotonin to be available in the brain, which can improve both anxiety and mood. Due to these effects, SSRIs are also often used to treat depression and other mood disorders.

If you’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, your doctor may recommend one of the following SSRIs:

Although SSRIs tend to have fewer side effects than some other antidepressants, they may still cause gastrointestinal distress, sleep difficulties, and sexual dysfunction. Many of these effects go away within a couple of weeks of beginning the medication, however. So, give your body time to adjust.

Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors (SNRIs)

Serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) are another first-line option for treating anxiety. This class of medicines increases levels of both serotonin and norepinephrine. Like serotonin, norepinephrine is a neurotransmitter in the brain that plays a role in mood regulation.

Some of the SNRIs prescribed for anxiety include:

SNRIs are considered just as effective as SSRIs, but they do tend to have more side effects. Side effects of SNRIs can include headaches, sexual dysfunction, insomnia, upset stomach, and increased blood pressure.

Tricyclic Antidepressants (TCAs)

Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs) were some of the first medications used to treat anxiety disorders. Like SNRIs, TCAs block the reuptake of serotonin and norepinephrine. And they’ve been found effective for treating various anxiety disorders.

The TCAs prescribed for anxiety include:

• Elavil (amitriptyline)
• Pamelor (nortriptyline)
• Tofranil (imipramine)

Although they are just as effective as SSRIs in treating anxiety disorders, TCAs tend to cause significant side effects, including dry mouth, constipation, blurry vision, trouble urinating, and hypotension (low blood pressure on standing). For these reasons, TCAs are usually only prescribed when other drugs don’t provide relief.

Benzodiazepines

Benzodiazepines are a class of sedative drugs. They work by strengthening the effect of the GABA neurotransmitter, which plays a role in relaxation and reduces brain activity.

Benzodiazepines can be taken as needed to help you relax and reduce muscle tension when facing a stressful situation. Because they are fast-acting, they can help treat panic attacks. They can also be useful for social anxiety disorder (SAD) and phobias if they are only taken occasionally.

Common benzodiazepines include:

Possible side effects include drowsiness, dizziness, impaired coordination, and vision issues. When used on occasion or short term, benzodiazepines have a low risk of addiction. However, they are not considered safe for long-term use as this can increase the risk of dependence and tolerance. 

Anxiety Medication Risks

Anxiety medications have some important risks you should be aware of. These risks can differ a bit between the drug classes.

Suicidal Thoughts

Suicidal thoughts are a risk with antidepressants, particularly for younger patients. A review of 24 different studies found that 4% of child or adolescent antidepressant users had a higher risk of suicidality within the first few months of starting these drugs—double the amount of those receiving a placebo.

As a result, in 2004, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) began to require that all antidepressants carry a black-box warning relating to the increased risk of suicidal thinking and behavior in children and adolescents.

Those younger than 25 should be carefully watched for signs of suicidal thinking, especially at the beginning of treatment or when dosages are changed. This includes experiencing increased depression, agitation, irritability, suicidality, and unusual changes in behavior.

Tolerance and Dependence

Dependence is a greater concern with benzodiazepines than some of the other anti-anxiety medication classes. Long-term benzodiazepine use (more than 12 weeks) is generally not recommended because you can develop tolerance and/or dependence. 

Tolerance means that you need to take more of the medication in order to make it work. Dependence means that you develop withdrawal symptoms if you stop taking the medication.

Potential for Misuse or Abuse

There is also a risk that some anti-anxiety medications will be misused or abused. This risk is greater with benzodiazepines, especially alprazolam (which is commonly known by its brand name Xanax).

Research published in 2020 found that benzodiazepine misuse occurs in 17% of users. A 2014 study involving 2,700 students in high school and middle school found that the risk of benzodiazepine abuse was 12 times higher in teens who had been prescribed these drugs.

Anxiety Medication Withdrawal

Many people who take medication over a long period of time can become dependent. When they go off the drug, they need to do so gradually to avoid experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

Antidepressant drug withdrawal can occur within days of stopping the medication and symptoms generally resolve within a couple of weeks. Ironically, many withdrawal symptoms are similar to anxiety symptoms, including:

• Anxiety
• Concentration issues
• Headache
• Insomnia
• Sweating

Some drugs can cause more severe withdrawal symptoms than others. For instance, discontinuing benzodiazepines after long-term use can lead to severe or life-threatening withdrawal symptoms, such as seizures, delirium, and even death.

Anxiety Medication Interactions

Some anti-anxiety medications negatively interact with other drugs. For example, if benzodiazepines are taken in combination with an opioid medication, it can result in difficult or slowed breathing and death.

Tell your healthcare provider if you are taking any other medications. Abstaining from alcohol when taking benzodiazepines is also important because the interaction between these drugs and alcohol can lead to serious, possibly life-threatening complications.