Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Have you ever lost control of your emotions and did something in the heat of the moment that you later regretted? Perhaps you’ve “lost it” or blown up at someone—your partner or child, work colleague, or perhaps the driver of another car—to such a degree that later, you realized was uncalled for.

If your answer is yes, then you’ve probably been hijacked by your amygdala.

Overview

The term “amygdala hijacking” was first used by psychologist Daniel Goleman in his 1995 book, “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ” to refer to an immediate and intense emotional reaction that’s out of proportion to the situation. In other words, it’s when someone “loses it” or seriously overreacts to something or someone.

Goleman’s term aims to recognize that we have an ancient structure in our brain, the amygdala, that is designed to respond swiftly to a threat.

Causes

When you see, hear, touch, or taste something, that sensory information first heads to the thalamus, which acts as your brain’s relay station. The thalamus then relays that information to the neocortex (the “thinking brain”). From there, it is sent to the amygdala (the “emotional brain”) which produces the appropriate emotional response.

However, when faced with a threatening situation, the thalamus sends sensory information to both the amygdala and the neocortex. If the amygdala senses danger, it makes a split-second decision to initiate the fight-or-flight response before the neocortex has time to overrule it.

This cascade of events triggers the release of stress hormones, including the hormones epinephrine (also known as adrenaline) and cortisol.

While many of the threats we face today are symbolic, evolutionary psychologists explain that our brains evolved to deal with physical threats to our survival that require a quick response. As a result, our body still responds with biological changes that prepare us for fight-or-flight, even though there is no actual physical threat with which we must contend.

Mental Health and the Amygdala

Chronic stress and certain mental health conditions can also play a role in the functioning of fear circuitry in the brain, which can result in greater chances of amygdala hijacking.

People with other anxiety disorders, such as social anxiety disorder (SAD) and panic disorder may also respond more strongly in their amygdala.

Even without a diagnosis of PTSD or anxiety disorder, chronic stress can lead to changes in the fear and anxiety circuit in your brain, and a reduction of activity in areas of the brain that help with the inhibition of fear, such as the hippocampus and the medial prefrontal cortex.

All of this means that chronic stress can trigger more frequent amygdala hijacks and even subsequent problems with short-term memory, which is why it is important to work on understanding and taking charge of your emotional reactions. One way to do this is through preventative work.

Learning coping mechanisms and planning ahead can positively influence how you will respond in times of stress and help avoid an amygdala-induced overreaction.

Prevention

The best way to prevent an amygdala hijack is to increase your emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence describes your ability to understand and manage your emotions and use this information in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, and defuse conflict.

A person who is emotionally intelligent has strong connections between the emotional center of the brain and the executive (thinking) center.

Although some people are naturally more emotionally intelligent than others, like many skill sets, emotional intelligence can be cultivated. One way is by practicing mindfulness.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the ability to be fully present, aware of where you are and what you’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around you. According to a 2014 study, mindfulness meditation can help improve your emotional intelligence in three major ways:

• Improves your ability to comprehend your own emotions
• Helps you learn how to recognize the emotions of others
• Strengthens your ability to control your emotions

By practicing mindfulness every day, you will develop this part of your brain and make it stronger. Then, when you find yourself in a stressful situation, it will be easier to switch on the mindful part of your mind. If you still find yourself having trouble with this concept, try keeping notes throughout the day about situations that cause you to feel strong emotions.

Stress Management

Another key to preventing amygdala hijacking is being aware of your stressors and identifying when acute, everyday stress has turned into chronic stress. If you find yourself constantly in a state of stress, employing stress management techniques can help.

Effective stress management should include fast-acting stress relievers (like breathing exercises) for immediate relief in stressful situations as well as healthy habits that reduce overall stress (like exercise, meditation, and journaling).

Coping

Though very effective in preventing amygdala hijacks, it can take time to learn and incorporate mindfulness and stress management into your daily routine. If despite your best efforts at prevention, you find yourself in the middle of a hijack, there are a number of things you can do to quickly get your unwanted emotions under control:

• Name it. Notice when you’ve been triggered and identify what’s triggering you. Notice changes in your tone, tightness in your chest or stomach, clenching in your jaw or hands, etc. In these moments, say to yourself, “I’m feeling triggered right now.”
• Remember the 6-second rule. It takes the chemicals that are released during the amygdala hijacking about 6 seconds to dissipate. Using this time to focus on something pleasant will prevent your amygdala from taking control and causing an emotional reaction
• Breathe. Become aware of your breath and slow it down. When you slow down your breathing and make it rhythmic, you activate the parasympathetic nervous system which is your rest-and-digest response. This type of deep breathing calms down your nervous system and allows you to make thoughtful decisions in stressful times.
• Draw on mindfulness. Look around you and notice things in the environment. This will help you to move out of your head and back into the present.
• Take a timeout. If you are truly feeling out of control, excuse yourself from the situation you are in to get a hold of your emotions.

While preventing an overreaction in the first place or diffusing it in the moment may be the ultimate goal, it’s OK to slip up. If you do find yourself in the aftermath of a full-blown amygdala hijack, take some time to acknowledge your actions and review what happened.

Spending some time thinking about your reactions—especially when they aren’t a reflection of your best self—can help shift you toward a mindful way of viewing your experience. Over time, this practice will help to develop your emotional intelligence as well.

I love the Internet but damn has it made things harder for us. Outside of social media ruining our mental health and the bajillion relationship trends erupting on TikTok (burnt toast theory, delulu thinking, orange peel theory test, the list goes on), we now have brainrot.

Just what is brain rot, you might ask? It’s the “He gives golden retriever boyfriend energy” or “I’m doing a hot girl walk this afternoon and then a girl dinner.” AKA when being chronically online bleeds into real life.

Some things used to be for the Internet’s eyes and ears only. Not now, though. Nope, our brains are rotting for all that screen time and of course, our mental health is suffering for it. Let me explain.

What Is ‘Brainrot’?

Wait, what is brainrot again? Basically, it’s a new popular culture that describes the effects of being chronically online on our mental health. Funny and self-deprecating, but also truthful. We are so glued to screens, passively feeding our minds with random, useless junk that our brains are rotting.

Brainrot Behaviors

Doomscrooling and consuming negative news from social media are a few brainrot behaviors. So is talking about memes and excessively using Internet slang.

The main sign, however, is when your online time starts to interfere with activities of daily living, says Dr. Julia Kogan, PsyD, a health psychologist with a background in neuropsychology. For example, if you can’t sleep because your eyes are glued to your phone or you’re forgoing IRL relationships for Twitter and TikTok, you might be brainrotting.

“Other signs may be the difficulty separating from your phone and the need to constantly check for notifications,” she says. “Eye strain, headaches, or poor posture from phone use can be another sign that too much time is being spent online without a break.”

Who’s Most Likely Affected by Brainrot?

We all have brainrotted. It’s hard not to when so much of our daily lives revolve around our phones. But some of us are suffering from it more than others, and unfortunately, kids seem to be the biggest demographic since the pandemic.

A 2023 systemic review found that the average screen time (measuring from two hours and more) for children six to 14 has increased significantly from 41.3% to 59.4% before and after January 2020, respectively.

Furthermore, additional research reported that, in the United States, children between the ages of eight and 12 spend an estimated four to six hours a day online whereas teens spend up to nine hours.

Mental Health Impact of Being Chronically Online

While brainrot is a joke, it does highlight a serious problem with cognitive consequences, particularly for kids and teens. Licensed therapist Eli Harwood explains that when adolescents are chronically online, their primary areas of growth for that stage of life also go offline. 

Prevents Social Learning and Increases Loneliness

Harwood says that the entire goal of adolescence is to learn social and emotional competence within peer relationships. Experiences like your first crush or making friends at school. Part of this developmental process should be filled with heaps of awkwardness and vulnerability, which requires in-person interactions. 

She adds that when tweens and teens spend these years behind screens, they miss out on these necessary childhood experiences. Things like making friends, navigating conflict, maintaining relationships, and developing an authentic and confident sense of self.

The replacement of in-person interactions for social media has increased rates of loneliness due to isolation, says Dr. Kogan. Excessive social media use can give a false sense of connection without actual benefits. All of which can make people feel lonelier and more isolated, putting them at greater risk of depression.

Negative Impact on Self-Esteem and Body Image

Social media not only mimics genuine connections but also presents an idealized portrayal of life. Too much media consumption can cause feelings of inadequacy or beliefs that you’re not good enough, which may lead to self-esteem issues, says Dr. Joel “Gator” Warsh, a board-certified pediatrician.

Dr. Kogan adds that filters and the focus on physical appearances and unrealistic beauty standards on social media can make people feel self-conscious and dislike their bodies. All of which can increase the risk of disordered eating, poor body image, and negative self-evaluation.

Furthermore, Harwood says that when adolescents are chronically online, they can be exposed to information they are not yet ready to process. 

“Getting inundated with airbrushed images of models, pornography, bullying, and floods of dopamine from gaming and social media feedback loops does a real number on a young brain,” she says. “Heck, most of the adults I know struggle to stay mentally afloat with these online realities.”

Ain’t that the truth?

Increases Risk of Anxiety and Depression

Dr. Kogan explains that overexposure to news on social media or other platforms can also increase the risks of anxiety and depression. This constant exposure can create a perception that the world is dangerous, bad, and harmful, which can further increase anxiety and depression.

Potentially Lead to Addiction

You might not think social media is addicting but it sort of is. Social media is designed to trigger the brain’s reward center. When your brain is constantly or excessively stimulated, your brain develops pathways that look similar to an addiction to drugs or other substances.

Tips To Minimize Brainrot

Brainrot is not a permanent diagnosis (it’s not a diagnosis at all actually, lol). But there are ways to minimize it for you or your kids.

Delay Smartphone Use For Children

Harwood recommends parents delay smartphone use for their children. Parents should only give teens aged 16 and older a smartphone. The less access and exposure a teen has, the less likely they are to be chronically online, says Dr. Jonathan Haidt, a social psychologist and expert on the effects of social media use on adolescents.

Set Screen Time Boundaries and Limits

Dr. Warsh suggests parents create clearly stated timeframes for screen use that do not interfere with areas such as school and homework, family meals, or sleep. Designate device-free zones and times like dinner time or family movie night.

Harwood also recommends using parental controls and turning off the Internet an hour before bedtime to ensure everyone is sleeping enough and getting time off tech.

Model Good Behavior

It’s not only children who struggle to stay offline—we all do. Warsh adds that children tend to follow what their parents or adults do. Model a balanced screen time in your own routine and younger ones will notice and mimick your behavior.

Replace Online Time With Screenfree Activities

Swap your phone for physical activity, friend hangouts, or other hobbies. The more joy and fulfillment we receive elsewhere, the less likely we’ll spend excessive time on social media.

And less social media is really what we need right now. As the kids say, we *all* should go touch some grass.

During times of inflation and economic hardship, many struggle with the cost of dating. Infla-dating is a new popular form of dating in which couples choose to go out on cheap dates as the cost of living rises.

Young couples as well as older couples can benefit from feeling less pressured financially. It’s reassuring to know that there are ways to have fun times together and not break the bank.

This article explores why dating on the cheap is popular now, cheap dating ideas in your town and at home, and the age-old debate of who should pay for first dates.

Why Is Dating on the Cheap Popular Now?

It gets expensive picking up the tab for multiple dates at pricey restaurants while you’re a bit tight financially. And payments to keep looking attractive and for Uber rides home also add up. Factor in the added financial pressure dating creates for single parents and older people on a fixed income and no wonder people seek ways to minimize costs while dating.

Here are common reasons people are opting for cheap dates:

• Inflation has taken a toll on their monthly budget.
• They’re working part-time or have gig work.
• They’re working full-time, but their bills have increased.
• They have higher and unexpected housing costs.
• They’re currently unemployed.
• They’re on a budget.
• They’ve lost money in the stock market, on crypto, or in other ways.
• They’re saving for a household appliance, tuition for a family member, or a special event.

It’s good to be vigilant about what you spend on dates. And the good news is dating doesn’t have to go on hold or be a problem for you due to limited finances.

Fun, Cheap Date Ideas You Can Do in Your Town

1. Have a picnic on the beach
2. Discover a new food truck in a funky neighborhood.
3. Hike with your pets around a lake.
4. Enjoy free concerts in your local park.
5. Take the elevator to the tallest building in your city and share the best view.
6. Explore museums on their free admission days.
7. Volunteer at an animal shelter, school or food pantry.
8. Take a free or inexpensive class together.
9. Window shop or go antiquing.
10. Attend street fairs and block parties.
11. Take a train, trolley or ferry someplace and appreciate a new perspective.
12. Slow down by fishing in a nearby river or stream.
13. Fly a kite in a field.
14. Attend an author reading at a bookstore.
15. Hit up a dive bar.
16. Take a scenic or historic walking tour.
17. Spend Sunday at a farmer’s market.
18. Bike ride at sunset.

Inexpensive date ideas for when you want to stay in

1. Learn a TikTok dance together.
2. Play a video game, chess, Scrabble or cards.
3. Make art. Paint a mural on your garage or tackle a DIY project.
4. Cook dinner together.
5. Borrow a friend’s karaoke machine and have a sing off.
6. Share poems, song lyrics or a book you like. Read aloud to your date.
7. Have a spa night and pamper each other.
8. Stargaze. Find a telescope or library book about constellations.
9. Plant a garden.
10. 9 Plan a scavenger hunt.
11. Go through family photo albums.
12. Write love letters to each other.
13. Have desserts in bed.

Who Should Pay For First Dates?

The dating site Elite Singles tapped their database to survey over 300,000 American singles about who they thought should pay for a first date. Findings showed 63% of men thought they should pay and 46% of women thought men should pay.

But there is no consensus by psychologists or dating experts on who should pay on a first date. Traditional etiquette says the person who extends the invitation should pay, others say for heterosexual relationships the man should pay on the first date, still others say the first date should be split between the two parties.

Who should pay on subsequent dates is not clear either. Some say the bill should be split while others say the person who makes more money should pay. Ultimately, it depends on the couple, and if the person who makes more money wants to pay, that’s fine. However, generosity feels good too so there is nothing wrong with alternating who pays from time to time.

The Impact of Financial Conflicts

Worries about money are bad enough if you’re alone. It’s compounded when you’re in a relationship. Conflicts about finances are a top source of friction in romantic relationships.

One study’s findings show that most couples’ fights about money deal with concerns about fairness and perceived responsibility, and the disagreement over minor purchases.

Not only is it troublesome in relationships, but financial stress can adversely affect your mental health. Scientists found that income loss and financial strain were uniquely associated with depressive symptoms and the exacerbation of these symptoms over time.

In abusive type situations, for example, if a partner is hiding purchases or assets or committing financial abuse by controlling their partner’s ability to acquire, use or maintain financial resources, the results can be even further anxiety-inducing and stressful for the victimized partner.

Talking to Your Partner about Money

Don’t underestimate the power of communication, even during times of financial strain. Though the subject matter may be difficult, research shows that couples who spend a larger part of their time together talking reported greater satisfaction, perceived more positive qualities in their relationships, and felt closer to their partners.

California-based Amy Keller, PsyD and MFT, says,  “If you deal with things with honesty, maturity and vulnerability, you can discuss almost any difficult money matter.”

Dr. Amy, as she is known, related a personal anecdote. “When my husband and I first started dating, we had a regular Wednesday night salsa dancing date. One night he told me he couldn’t make it. I called him back asking if something had come up or if there was anything that we needed to talk about. To my great surprise, he told me he had not been paid for a big job, had no money to take me out on a date and was embarrassed to tell me.

That night we created a simple picnic in the park from items we already had in our refrigerators. We turned on music and had our own salsa also under the stars. Looking back, that was one of the most romantic and magical dates we had ever had! 

That simple confession reinforced my trust in him and like the Grinch’s heart, mine grew three sizes that day. I knew intuitively that I’d always be able to trust him when it came to discussing matters of money and of the heart.”