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The fear of rejection is a powerful feeling that often has a far-reaching impact on our lives. Most people experience some nerves when placing themselves in situations that could lead to rejection, but for some people, the fear becomes overwhelming.

This fear can have many underlying causes. An untreated fear of rejection may worsen over time, leading to greater and greater limitations in a person’s life.

This article discusses how to overcome your fear of rejection, and also how rejection sensitivity can affect your life and behavior.

How to Overcome Fear of Rejection

If you are experiencing a fear of rejection, there are steps you can take to learn how to cope better and stop this fear from negatively impacting your life. You may find the following strategies helpful for learning how to overcome a fear of rejection.

Improve Your Self-Regulation Skills

Self-regulation refers to your ability to identify and control your emotions and behaviors. It also plays an important role in overcoming your fear of rejection. By identifying negative thoughts that contribute to feelings of fear, you can actively take steps to reframe your thinking in a way that is more optimistic and encouraging.

Face Your Fears

Avoidance coping involves managing unpleasant feelings by simply avoiding the things that trigger those emotions. The problem with this approach is that it ultimately contributes to increased feelings of fear. Instead of getting better at dealing with your fear of rejection, it makes you even more fearful and sensitive to it.

So instead of avoiding situations where you might experience rejection, focus on putting yourself out there and tackling your fear. Once you have more experience facing your fear, you’ll begin to recognize that the consequences are less anxiety-provoking than you anticipated. You’ll also gain greater confidence in your own abilities to succeed.

Cultivate Resilience

Being resilient means that you are able to pick yourself up after a setback and move forward with a renewed sense of strength and optimism. Strategies that can help foster a greater sense of resilience include building your confidence in your own abilities, having a strong social support system, and nurturing and caring for yourself. Having goals and taking steps to improve your skills can also give you faith in your ability to bounce back from rejection.

Where It Can Impact Your Life

Although not every person experiences the fear of rejection in the same way, it tends to affect the ability to succeed in a wide range of personal and professional situations.

Job Interviews

Fear of rejection can lead to physical symptoms that can sometimes be interpreted as a lack of confidence. Confidence and an air of authority are critical in many positions, and those experiencing this fear often come across as weak and insecure. If you have a fear of rejection, you may also have trouble negotiating work-related contracts, leaving valuable pay and benefits on the table.

Business Dealings

In many positions, the need to impress does not end once you have the job. Entertaining clients, negotiating deals, selling products, and attracting investors are key components of many jobs. Even something as simple as answering the telephone can be terrifying for people with a fear of rejection.

Meeting New People

Humans are social creatures, and we are expected to follow basic social niceties in public. If you have a fear of rejection, you may feel unable to chat with strangers or even friends of friends. The tendency to keep to yourself could potentially prevent you from making lasting connections with others.

Dating

First dates can be daunting, but those with a fear of rejection may experience significant anxiety. Rather than focusing on getting to know the other person and deciding whether you would like a second date, you might spend all of your time worrying about whether that person likes you. Trouble speaking, obsessive worrying about your appearance, an inability to eat, and a visibly nervous demeanor are common.

Peer Relationships

The need to belong is a basic human condition, so people often behave in ways that help them fit in with the group. While dressing, speaking, and behaving as a group member is not necessarily unhealthy, peer pressure sometimes goes too far. It could lead you to do things you’re not comfortable with just to remain part of the group.

How It Affects Your Behavior

When you have a fear of rejection, you may engage in behaviors focused on either covering up or compensating for this fear.

Lack of Authenticity

Many people who are afraid of rejection develop a carefully monitored and scripted way of life. Fearing that you will be rejected if you show your true self to the world, you may live life behind a mask. This can make you seem phony and inauthentic to others and may cause a rigid unwillingness to embrace life’s challenges.

People-Pleasing

Although it is natural to want to take care of those we love, those who fear rejection often go too far. You might find it impossible to say no, even when saying yes causes major inconveniences or hardships in your own life.

If you are a people-pleaser, you may take on too much, increasing your risk for burnout. At the extreme, people-pleasing sometimes turns into enabling the bad behaviors of others.

Passivity

People with a fear of rejection often go out of their way to avoid confrontations. You might refuse to ask for what you want or speak up for what you need. A common tendency is to try to simply shut down your own needs or pretend that they don’t matter.

The fear of rejection may stop you from reaching your full potential. Putting yourself out there is frightening for anyone, but if you have a fear of rejection, you may feel paralyzed. Hanging onto the status quo feels safe, even if you are not happy with your current situation.

Passive-Aggressiveness

Uncomfortable showing off their true selves but unable to entirely shut out their own needs, many people who fear rejection end up behaving in passive-aggressive ways. You might procrastinate, “forget” to keep promises, complain, and work inefficiently on the projects that you take on.

Psychological Outcomes

The fear of rejection leads to behaviors that make us appear insecure, ineffectual and overwhelmed. You might sweat, shake, fidget, avoid eye contact, and even lose the ability to effectively communicate. While individuals react to these behaviors in very different ways, these are some of the reactions you might see.

Rejection

Ironically, the fear of rejection often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is well-known in pop psychology that confidence enhances attractiveness. As a general rule, the lack of self-confidence that is inherent in a fear of rejection makes us more likely to be rejected.

Research shows that confidence is nearly as important as intelligence in determining our income level.

Manipulation

Some people prey on the insecurities of others. Those who suffer from a fear of rejection may be at greater risk of being manipulated for someone else’s personal gain.

Expert manipulators generally come across as charming, suave, and caring—they know what buttons to push to make others trust them. They also know how to keep someone with a fear of rejection feeling slightly on edge, as if the manipulator might leave at any time. Almost invariably, the manipulator does end up leaving once they have gotten what they want out of the other person.

Frustration

Most people are decent, honest, and forthright. Rather than manipulating someone with a fear of rejection, they will try to help. Look for signs that your friends and family are trying to encourage your assertiveness, asking you to be more open with them, or probing your true feelings.

Many times, however, people who fear rejection experience these efforts as emotionally threatening. This often leads friends and family to walk on eggshells, fearful of making your fears worse. Over time, they may become frustrated and angry, either confronting you about your behavior or beginning to distance themselves from you.

All-or-nothing thinking is a negative thinking pattern common in people with panic disorder, depression, or other anxiety-related issues. Also known as dichotomous thinking or black-and-white thinking, this is a type of cognitive distortion that involves thinking in extremes and using absolute terms, such as never or ever.

Here’s an explanation of what it is and ways to overcome this common cognitive distortion.

Understanding All-Or-Nothing Thinking

All-or-nothing thinking is one of many negative thought processes, known as cognitive distortions, that are common among people with anxiety and depression. When thinking in all-or-nothing terms, you split your views into extremes. 

Everything—from your view of yourself to your life experiences—is divided into black-or-white terms. This leaves room for little, if any, gray area in between.

For people with anxiety or depression, this often means only seeing the downside to any given situation. People who fall victim to all-or-nothing thinking believe that they’re either successful or a complete failure in life.

People with panic disorder are often susceptible to this type of thinking. If you have frequent panic attacks, you may view yourself as unworthy or inadequate because of your condition. You may also overlook how valuable you are in other roles, such as a friend, employee, or parent.

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Examples of All-or-Nothing Thinking

It can be helpful to look at some examples of all-or-nothing thinking to learn more about how it works. Here are some hypothetical situation where an individual engages in all-or-nothing thinking and how it affects their mood, motivation, and behavior.

Social Interactions

Roger decided to face his anxiety and ask a woman out on a date. He left her a voicemail message. A few days go by and Roger hasn’t heard back from her.

He thinks, “I’m a total loser with nothing to offer … No one wants to go out with me … I will never find the right person, so why bother?” He starts to feel nervous and upset as he considers a future alone.

Anxiety

Elaine was diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia about seven years ago. Since then, she has sought out psychotherapy, regularly takes her prescribed antidepressant, and frequently practices self-care. Elaine’s symptoms have greatly improved and she feels ready to go to a concert with a friend, a situation that has caused her fearful avoidance in the past.

When Elaine arrives at the concert, she begins to experience physical symptoms of panic and anxiety. She tries a deep breathing technique but still has a panic attack. Elaine leaves the concert early, telling herself that she will never overcome her condition and that she lets her nervousness ruin every situation.  

Effects of All-or-Nothing Thinking

All-or-nothing thinking can have various effects. Like other cognitive distortions, it can have a serious impact on emotions and mood. 

Decreased Motivation

All-or-nothing thinking can also be very unrealistic, which can contribute to excessively high standards that are impossible to meet. As a result, people often avoid pursing goals because they don’t think the results will match their expectations. They might think, “I can’t do this perfectly, so I just won’t do it at all.”

Poor Self-Perception

All-or-nothing thinking can also contribute to poor perception of yourself. If you always think thought like, “I can never do anything right,” it is difficult to see yourself in a positive light. This can lead to low confidence and a lack of self-esteem.

Feelings of Hopelessness

Seeing things in extremes can also contribute to feelings of hopelessness. If you can only see the negatives in a situation, you might feel that there is nothing that you can do to change the situation.

Increased Risk of Anxiety and Depression

Cognitive distortions such as all-or-nothing thinking can contribute to an increased risk for anxiety and depression. One study also found that such thinking is connected to increases in suicidal thinking.

All-or-nothing thinking can play a part in the onset and maintenance of eating disorders, personality disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and substance use disorders (SUD).

Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking

The problem with all-or-nothing thinking is that there is no middle ground because people think only in extremes. In order to overcome all-or-nothing thinking, it is important to avoid thinking in negative, absolute terms.

Some strategies that can help include:

Considering Alternatives

One way to change it is to replace negative self-defeating thoughts with more realistic ones. This involves considering the alternatives and thinking about alternative explanations.

Cognitive Reframing

Cognitive reframing is a strategy that involves changing how you think about a situation. Changing your perspective can alter how you think, feel, and behave.

To do this, start noticing when you engage in all-or-nothing thinking. After identifying this type of thinking, challenge your thoughts. Are they true? Are there other explanations? Finally, replace that thought with one that is more positive and realistic.

Challenging Negative thoughts

An important part of cognitive reframing involves actively challenging your negative thoughts. Accepting your thoughts as the truth skews your perspective and can lead to poor interpretations of different situations.

Some things you can do to challenge your thoughts include:

• Practicing mindfulness, which involves focusing fully on the present moment
• Talking to yourself the same way you would talk to a friend
• Showing yourself compassion and kindness
• Cultivating gratitude
• Focusing on the positive

Get Social Support

When you can only see one side of any situation, it can help to seek out the support of trusted friends or family. A support network may be able to assist you in finding solutions and thinking beyond absolute terms.

Talking to a Professional

While self-help strategies can be helpful in combatting all-or-nothing thinking, you may also want to consider talking to a mental health professional. A therapist can help you identify triggers that contribute to this type of thinking and practice new coping strategies that can reduce negative thinking.

Ever notice how some people swing from one relationship to the next, with no time in between?

This pattern is called monkey branching. Like a monkey swings from one branch to another, some people jump from one relationship to the next, testing the new branch and getting a firm grip on it before letting go of the old one.

“Monkey branching is basically emotional hedging. The person wants to make sure there’s another branch to latch on to before they risk breaking up with their current partner,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist.

Common Signs of Monkey Branching

Monkey branching can be tricky to pinpoint because the signs tend to be much more subtle than outright cheating. If you think your partner might be monkey branching, these are some of the red flags to look out for:

• They’re emotionally detached: You get the sense that your partner is distant, distracted, or emotionally detached. It feels like they’ve checked out of the relationship.
• Their priorities have changed: Your partner might start making less time for you and the things the two of you normally do together. Plans with you feel like an afterthought, while they’re putting effort into new people or activities that don’t include you.
• Their schedule is busier: They might suddenly have new hobbies, or “work events” that didn’t exist before. They’re out more often and tend to be vague when you ask them where they were or how they spent their time.
• They keep mentioning a “new friend”: They may frequently talk about and/or spend time with a new colleague, friend, or gym buddy, but are overly defensive or secretive when you ask them about this new friendship.
• They’re acting secretive: They’ve suddenly become very private with their online activity. They’ve started becoming more protective of their phone or computer, password-protecting their devices, turning their screen away while texting, or reacting defensively when you ask who they are talking to.
• They avoid conversations about the future: They’re very non-committal when it comes to talking about the future. They avoid discussions about any long-term goals, trips, or plans that might signify a future with you.
• They’re picking fights. They might become overly critical of you or the relationship to justify their desire to leave and ease their own guilt. This can be a form of self-sabotage, creating an excuse for the breakup.
• They’re quick to move on after the breakup: If they’re in a new relationship almost immediately after the two of you break up, chances are they were already building that connection beforehand.

The Psychology Behind Monkey Branching

People usually engage in monkey branching because it feels safer to have the next relationship lined up before letting go of the current one. We asked the experts to help us unpack the psychology behind this behavior:

• Fear of being alone: Some people are terrified of being single, so they always make sure they have a backup lined up. “People who engage in this behavior don’t do it to be cruel. They do it out of fear, because they don’t want to be alone,” says Dr. Romanoff.
• Low self-esteem: Some people have low self-esteem and feel insecure on their own. They believe that having a partner increases their value and sense of validation, says Dr. Romanoff.
• Anxious or avoidant attachment style: People with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may struggle to fully commit to a new relationship or let go of an existing relationship that isn’t serving them, so they cling to a safety net instead.
• Conflict avoidance: Ending a relationship, especially a long-term one, is emotionally draining and difficult. Monkey branching provides a way to bypass this uncomfortable process by shifting the focus to a new person.
• Lack of fulfillment: The person might have unmet emotional, physical, or intellectual needs that they are unable to address with their partner. Rather than communicating these issues and working on them, they look for someone else to provide what’s missing.
• Need for excitement: For some, the thrill of new attention or flirting feels irresistible, even while they’re still in a relationship. They may have poor impulse control and struggle to resist the excitement of a new romantic connection.

Is Monkey Branching the Same as Cheating?

Monkey branching might not always look like full-blown cheating, but it’s definitely crossing a line. If your partner is already texting, flirting, or emotionally leaning on someone else before breaking up with you, that’s a major betrayal of trust.

We asked the relationship experts to weigh in, and they unanimously agree that monkey branching is definitely cheating.

When you’re in a committed relationship, including a third party without the consent of a partner infringes on that commitment, says Claudia de Llano, MFT.

Dr. Romanoff says the combination of breaking an agreement regarding exclusivity and breaching trust qualifies it as cheating. “When your partner is secretly investing their energy and attention in others, the deception can feel devastating,” says Dr. Romanoff.

How to Cope If You’ve Been Monkey Branched

If you’ve been on the receiving end of monkey branching, it can sting because it basically feels like you’ve been replaced before the relationship is even over. Here are some ways to handle it:

• Acknowledge the hurt: Don’t try to tough it out or pretend you’re fine. It’s OK to feel angry, sad, confused, rejected, hurt, and blindsided. Give yourself permission to grieve. Cry, scream into a pillow, vent to a trusted friend, or write your feelings in a journal. Let it out in a way that is healthy for you.
• Remember that it’s not your fault: Monkey branching, along with other types of cheating, is not about the victim, rather the cheater who is outrunning their own fears, says Dr. Romanoff. “Cheating is about the fear of rejection, inferiority, and being alone. It’s about their imperfections, not your value.”
• Cut off contact: To truly heal, you need distance. Watching your ex swing into their new relationship will only make it harder to move on. If possible, block them on your phone and all social media platforms. Avoid asking mutual friends for updates, as tempting as it is. Follow the no-contact rule until you’ve healed and moved on. 
• Don’t compare yourself to the new person: It’s easy to fall into the trap of wondering what they have that you don’t. The truth is, it’s not about you. Their “next branch” doesn’t mean they’ve upgraded—it just means they’re scared to be alone and couldn’t stand to be single.
• Lean on your support system: Spend time with friends and family who make you feel loved and valued. Talk to them about what you’re going through.
• Focus on self-care: Rebuild your confidence with activities, goals, routines, and relationships that remind you of who you are outside of the relationship.
• Consider therapy if you’re struggling: A mental health professional can provide a safe space for you to process the trauma of betrayal and abandonment. They can work with you on any trust issues you develop and help you develop more secure relationships.

How to Know If You’re Monkey Branching

We tend to think of monkey branching as something others do, but it’s worth asking ourselves whether we’re doing it too. Here are some signs you might be monkey branching:

• Your relationship is deteriorating: Monkey branching often goes hand-in-hand with a decline in your current relationship. Things with your partner have changed, and not for the better. You don’t feel as connected to your partner anymore, and you’ve mentally checked out of the relationship.
• You’ve got a backup plan: You have someone in your life who you’re physically attracted to and emotionally invested in, and you’re starting to think of them as your next partner. You feel safer knowing you have a “backup.” The idea of being single feels scary, so having someone else lined up gives you comfort.
• You’re crossing boundaries: You’re building a bond with someone new. Even if it hasn’t turned physical, you’re texting, DMing, flirting, or leaning on them in ways that cross emotional boundaries.
• You’re fantasizing about someone else: You spend a lot of time thinking about the new person, imagining a life with them, and getting excited at the prospect of seeing them. You’re constantly asking yourself “What if” when you think about a future with them.
• You’re hiding things: Deep down, you know what you’re doing is wrong, and you’re trying to hide your actions from your partner. You’re not telling them the whole truth, you’re hiding your messages from them, and you’re not being honest about where you’ve been or who you’ve been with.
• You’re comparing your partner to someone else: You catch yourself thinking about how the new person might be a better fit for you than your current partner.
• You’re not working on your relationship: Rather than working on issues with your current partner, you’re just waiting for an excuse to leave the relationship, because you know there’s another option waiting.