Why It Happens and How to Cope

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Key Takeaways

  • Ghosting is not about you; it’s about the other person’s inability to communicate or handle their feelings.
  • Practice self-compassion and engage in activities that bring you joy and reduce stress.

Ghosting is a type of social rejection that happens when someone you are dating or getting to know disappears without a trace. One minute, you are talking, and everything seems fine, and then they are just…gone. You suddenly find yourself left on read. Your texts, phone calls, and DMs go unanswered. You might even be shocked to find they’ve blocked you altogether. You’re left wondering, WTH happened?

This could happen at the very beginning of a relationship or in the middle of one, whether in person or online. Dealing with being ghosted is incredibly difficult—especially because you usually don’t know the cause or know how to react.

The person suddenly quits all contact with you—they won’t respond to texts, emails, calls, or social media messages. The mental health effects of being on the receiving end of these actions can be very challenging.

Being ghosted sucks, but it’s increasingly common in today’s dating culture. The key thing to remember is that it’s not about you. People ghost for all kinds of reasons. They might be insecure, scared of conflict, or unable to communicate their feelings. That doesn’t necessarily make it *easy* to process, but there are things you can do to feel better and protect your mental well-being when someone activates phantom mode.

Skip the blame and shame. Instead, concentrate on taking care of yourself. Do things that bring you joy, but don’t minimize your feelings. It’s hurtful (sometimes even emotionally abusive), and there’s nothing wrong with reaching out to a mental health professional if you need extra help processing what happened.

Why Do People Ghost?

People ghost for a variety of reasons. Relationship experts and psychologists agree that people who ghost are avoiding an uncomfortable situation. This evasion, while perceived as a lack of regard, is often because they feel it’s the best way to handle their own distress or inability to clearly communicate.

Research suggests that many ghosters cut ties because they are actually trying to spare the other person’s feelings. Ghosters admit they don’t want to hurt you, or they don’t know what to do. Sometimes, they don’t think discussing a situation is necessary, or they become scared.

Ghosting is a passive way to withdraw.

But some ghosts perceive that disappearing completely might actually be the easiest and best way to handle the situation for all. Others ghost because now that it’s common, it’s an almost justifiable way to exit a relationship nowadays.

In today’s dating culture, ghosting is common. A Pew Research Center poll found that about 29% of all American adults have been ghosted, but it was much more common among young adults—42% of 18- to 29-year-olds report being ghosted.

How to Cope When You’ve Been Ghosted

It’s not always easy, and it often takes time, but there are things you can do to start feeling better even if someone in your life has ghosted you.

Rid Yourself of Blame

After someone disappears suddenly, it’s hard to not feel regret, embarrassment and shame. After all, you risked for the sake of growth and it backfired. While ghosting feels so personal, it’s not about you. It’s about them.

Because you usually can’t find a cause and there is no explanation furnished, you may blame yourself. You might want to put up walls so you don’t get hurt again in the future. Or you may tell your friends you will stop dating completely, using a cognitive distortion like all-or-nothing thinking.

Now is the time to regroup, be kind to yourself and take a break. You are not to blame for someone walking away without a peep. Nor is it your fault that the other person couldn’t maturely give you the truth.

Nix the Shame

Shame comes about sometimes when we are reminded of previous rejections. But is ghosting rejection?

“Ghosting carries an echo of old rejection,” says Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW. “It’s painful because it activates—and emulates—a previous hurt or betrayal by someone we didn’t just think we could trust but whom we had to trust, often during our formative years.”

Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW

Here’s the catch: It’s not necessarily about the betrayal but about our not having processed and integrated that early memory, and what it meant to us.

— Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW

Resnick, whose trauma-informed books about recovery from the effects of narcissistic relationships have helped tens of thousands of readers, reassures those who were ghosted and bids them to take care.

“Understood this way, we can see why self-compassion is in order,” she says. “Being dropped and feeling unseen is always painful, and there is never shame or embarrassment in feeling what is real.”

Choose Self-Care

How do you move forward? You need self-compassion and self-care. Invest in time with friends and family who can support you. Also, you might indulge in activities that make you happy like taking a yoga class or returning to a hobby that you love. You can also try homeopathic treatments or acupuncture.

Elena Klimenko, MD, and Integrative Medicine Specialist sometimes uses a “broken heart” homeopathic treatment for a heartfelt loss. She says, “In traditional Chinese medicine like acupuncture, the heart meridian—which starts at the heart and runs to the armpits, then down each arm—is responsible for heartfelt matters and some deep emotions. Proper acupuncture treatment can also facilitate recovery and take the edge off the difficult feelings.”

When you think of the ghoster, be sure to reframe your ideas about them and the relationship. After all, they violated the contract of what it takes to be in a mature, healthy relationship.

That includes mutual respect, good communication, and thoughtfulness. Therefore, this wasn’t the right person for you, anyway.

Build Resilience

David C. Leopold, MD DABFM, DABOIM, and Network Medical Director for Integrative Health and Medicine at Hackensack Meridian Health says, “When patients experience any emotional or mental health challenges, I focus on helping them build resilience and enhancing their self-compassion and self-care.”

Dr. Leopold uses a comprehensive approach, including engaging in physical activity, prioritizing sleep, optimizing nutrition, cultivating meaning and purpose, and reducing stress through practices like mindfulness and meditation.

Therefore, if you’re emotionally exhausted and stressed, where do you start in taking care of yourself?

David C. Leopold, MD DABFM, DABOIM

Multiple studies clearly show that eating healthy improves mental health—reducing stress, anxiety and even depression. And any form of exercise, even just walking, is a potent natural anti-depressant.

— David C. Leopold, MD DABFM, DABOIM

If you ruminate too much, use an app to increase mindfulness or begin a meditation practice. Leopold suggests you don’t forget about finding meaning and purpose.

“Studies show focusing on meaning and purpose increases oxytocin, our ‘feel good’ hormone, which increases feelings of connection and improves mood.” Overall, he advises that you take this time “as an opportunity to focus on you and enrich your resilience.”

What Does Ghosting Say About a Person?

Despite ghosting being normalized, it’s more about the problem the ghoster is having than it is about you. Ghosting says a lot about the person in many different ways. For instance, it could say that they lacked the courage to do the right thing by explaining why they could no longer continue a relationship with you.

The person or people who ghosted you didn’t treat you with integrity and, therefore, did not consider the implications of their actions. It could also signal that they may not care about their actions and are inconsiderate or unreliable.

Or, it could be none of the above. The ghoster may be dealing with a mental health or medical condition (of a loved one or their own) that is making it difficult for them to reach out at the current time.

Whatever the case may be, being ghosted is not a reflection on you or your worthiness. Nor should it render you powerless.

Is Ghosting Emotional Abuse?

Ghosting is a form of silent treatment, which mental health professionals have described as emotional cruelty or even emotional abuse if done so intentionally. You feel powerless and silenced. You don’t know to make sense of the experience or have an opportunity to express your feelings.

This cowardly act, unfortunately pretty normalized by our culture, can cause immense pain. As you have no clue about what happened, your mind first jumps to many possibilities. Was your new love interest injured in a car accident? Is their family okay? Maybe it’s just a crazy busy time at work, and they will contact you again soon?

You might feel a wave of different emotions: sadness, anger, loneliness, confusion. Mental health professionals find that no response is especially painful for people on an emotional level. You feel helpless and shunned without information that could guide your understanding.

Research has found that ghostees are often left with feelings of sadness and hurt. More than that, it actually threatens many of their fundamental needs, including the need for control, meaning, and belongingness.


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Why It’s Harmful, What to Say Instead

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Key Takeaways

  • Toxic positivity can make people feel ashamed of their real emotions.
  • It’s important to allow yourself and others to feel all emotions, both good and bad.
  • Practice listening and showing support instead of shutting down emotions with positivity.

Toxic positivity is the belief that people should maintain a positive mindset no matter how dire or difficult a situation is. It means having a “good vibes only” approach to life and discarding any seemingly negative emotions. While there are benefits to being optimistic and engaging in positive thinking, toxic positivity rejects all difficult emotions in favor of a cheerful and often falsely positive façade.

Having a positive outlook on life is good for your mental well-being. The problem is that life isn’t always positive. We all have painful emotions and experiences. While often unpleasant, those emotions need to be felt and dealt with openly and honestly to achieve acceptance and greater psychological health. 

Toxic positivity takes positive thinking to an overgeneralized extreme. This attitude doesn’t just stress the importance of optimism—it also minimizes and even denies any trace of human emotions that are not strictly happy or positive.

Examples of Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity can take a wide variety of forms. Some examples you may have encountered in your own life include:

  • When something bad happens, such as losing your job, people may say to “just stay positive” or “look on the bright side.” While such comments are often meant to be sympathetic, they can shut down anything the other person might want to say about what they are experiencing.
  • After experiencing some type of loss, people might say that “everything happens for a reason.” While people will make such statements because they believe they are comforting, this is also a way of avoiding the other person’s pain. 
  • Upon expressing disappointment or sadness, someone may respond that “happiness is a choice.” This suggests that if someone is feeling negative emotions, it’s their own fault for not “choosing” to be happy.

Sometimes, these statements are well-intentioned or come from a good place, but are poorly worded. In other cases, people might not know what else to say and don’t know how to be empathetic. Still, it is important to recognize that toxic positivity can be harmful.

Toxic Positivity vs. Optimism

It is possible to be optimistic in the face of difficult experiences and challenges. But people going through trauma don’t need to be told to stay positive or feel that they are being judged for not maintaining a sunny outlook.

Why Toxic Positivity Is Harmful

Too much positivity is toxic because it can harm people who are going through difficult times. Rather than being able to share genuine human emotions and gain unconditional support, people who are faced with toxic positivity find their feelings dismissed, ignored, or outright invalidated. 

  • It’s shaming: Receiving toxic positivity can lead to feelings of shame. It tells people that the emotions they are feeling are unacceptable. When someone is suffering, they need to know that their emotions are valid and that they can find relief and love in their friends and family.
  • It causes guilt: Being toxically positive can also cause feelings of guilt. It sends a message that if you aren’t finding a way to feel positive—even in the face of tragedy—you are doing something wrong.
  • It avoids authentic human emotion: Toxic positivity functions as an avoidance mechanism. When people engage in this type of behavior, it allows them to sidestep emotional situations that make them feel uncomfortable. Sometimes, we turn these same ideas on ourselves, internalizing them. Then, when we feel difficult emotions, we discount, dismiss, and deny them.
  • It prevents growth: Toxic positivity allows us to avoid feeling things that might be painful. But this denies us the ability to face challenging feelings that can ultimately lead to growth and deeper insight.

The “positive vibes only” mantra can be particularly grating during intense personal distress. When people are coping with situations such as financial troubles, job loss, illness, or the loss of a loved one, being told that they need to look on the bright side can seem downright cruel.

Some even consider toxic positivity a form of gaslighting. This is because it creates a false narrative of reality, often causing you to question what you think and feel.

In some cases, toxic positivity may even be abusive. An abusive person might use it to devalue, dismiss, and minimize another person’s emotions and experiences. They might even use it as a way to downplay the seriousness of their abusive actions.

At their best, toxic positivity statements come off as trite platitudes that let a person off the hook for dealing with other people’s feelings. At their worst, these comments end up causing feelings of shame and blame in people who are often dealing with incredibly difficult situations.

Signs of Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity can often be subtle. Learning to recognize the signs can help you better identify this type of behavior. Signs that you might be toxically positive include:

  • Brushing off problems rather than facing them
  • Hiding your true feelings behind feel-good quotes that seem socially acceptable
  • Minimizing other people’s feelings because they make you uncomfortable
  • Shaming other people when they don’t have a positive attitude

It’s equally important to know when someone else may be acting toxically positive with you, potentially hurting your mental well-being. Signs that you may be on the receiving end of toxic positivity include:

  • Feeling guilty about being sad, angry, or disappointed
  • Hiding or disguising how you really feel
  • Trying to be stoic or “get over” painful emotions

Toxic positivity can also act as a coping mechanism to help people reduce or avoid stress. Rather than face a difficult emotion, people try to avoid it by putting a positive spin on a bad situation. While this might seem like an effective way of coping, denying or dismissing negative emotions can make it more difficult to cope with them.

How to Avoid Toxic Positivity

If you recognize toxically positive behaviors in yourself, there are things that you can do to develop a healthier, more supportive approach. Some ideas include:

Remember It’s OK to Not Be OK

Develop an attitude that “it’s OK to not be OK.” Instead of having a viewpoint that it’s wrong to have negative feelings, accept that it isn’t realistic to be okay all the time. Remind yourself that if someone doesn’t feel okay, that’s perfectly acceptable.

Manage Emotions Without Denying Them

Manage your negative emotions, but don’t deny them. Negative emotions can cause stress when unchecked. However, they can also provide important information that can lead to beneficial changes in your life.

Focus on Listening

Focus on listening to others and showing support. When someone expresses a difficult emotion, don’t shut them down with toxic positivity. Instead, let them know that what they are feeling is normal and you are there to listen. 

Non-Toxic Alternatives

  • I’m listening.

  • I’m here no matter what.

  • That must be really hard.

  • Sometimes bad things happen. How can I help?

  • Failure is sometimes part of life.

  • Your feelings are valid.

Coping With Toxic Positivity

If someone you know has a tendency to respond to your negative feelings with statements that aren’t supportive or emotionally validating, some ways you can respond to toxic positivity include:

Be Realistic

Be realistic about what you feel. When facing a difficult situation, it’s normal to feel stressed, worried, or even fearful. Don’t expect too much from yourself. Practice self-care and work on taking steps that can help improve your situation.

Challenge Toxic Positivity

Don’t be afraid to challenge the person being toxically positive. While challenging this type of response can be uncomfortable, confronting the person’s approach provides them the opportunity to grow. This can be especially helpful if facing toxic positivity at work, helping leaders evaluate the impact of their statements and actions.

Remember Emotions Can Be Mixed and Complicated

Know that it’s okay to feel more than one thing. If you are facing a challenge, it’s possible to feel nervous about the future and, at the same time, hopeful that you will succeed. Your emotions can be as complex as the situation itself. 

Find Meaning

Look for meaning behind what you’re going through. “Tragic optimism,” or searching for the meaning behind difficult situations, is the opposite of toxic positivity and, according to some, is considered the antidote to this type of response.

Notice How You Feel

Following “positive” social media accounts can sometimes serve as a source of inspiration but pay attention to how you feel after you view and interact with such content. If you are left with a sense of shame or guilt after seeing “uplifting” posts, it might be due to toxic positivity. In such cases, consider limiting your social media consumption.

Put Your Feelings Into Words

When going through something hard, think about ways to give voice to your emotions in a way that is productive. Write in a journal or talk to a friend. Research suggests that just putting what you are feeling into words can help lower the intensity of negative feelings.

In the end, give yourself permission to feel your feelings. These feelings are real, valid, and important. They are also informative and help you see things that need to change.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that you should act on every emotion that you feel. Sometimes it is important to sit with your feelings and give yourself the time and space to process the situation and accept your emotions before you take action. 

Press Play for Advice on Self-Worth

Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares tips for reframing your self-limiting beliefs, featuring Paralympic gold medalist Mallory Weggemann. Click below to listen now.

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