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Fearful avoidant attachment is one of four adult attachment styles, characterized by a strong desire for closeness and a fear of intimacy. People with this style want to have deep, meaningful relationships but struggle to trust others and fear being hurt or rejected. This leads people with a fearful avoidant attachment to avoid the very relationships they crave.

What Causes a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style?

Fearful avoidant attachment is often caused by childhood in which at least one parent or caregiver exhibits frightening behavior. This frightening behavior can range from overt abuse to more subtle signs of anxiety or uncertainty, but the result is the same.

When the child approaches the parent for comfort, the parent is unable to provide it. Because the caregiver does not offer a secure base and may function as a source of distress for the child, the child’s instinct will be to approach the caregiver for comfort, but they will then withdraw.

People who carry this fearful avoidant attachment into adulthood will exhibit the same impulse to approach and then withdraw in their interpersonal relationships with friends, spouses, partners, colleagues, and children.

Characteristics of Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Individuals with fearful avoidant attachment are a combination of the preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant styles of insecure attachment.

• Low self-esteem: They believe they are unlovable and also lack trust in others to support and accept them.
• Fear of rejection: Because they think others will eventually reject them, they withdraw from relationships.
• Craving and avoidance of intimacy: At the same time, however, they strongly desire intimacy because the acceptance of others helps them feel better about themselves. People with a fearful avoidant attachment style want love, closeness, and connection, yet they fear and avoid it.
• Push-pull dynamics: Fearful avoidant attachment can lead to behavior that may be confusing to friends and romantic partners. People with this style may encourage closeness at first and then emotionally or physically retreat when they start to feel vulnerable in the relationship.

Impact on Relationships

• Avoidance: People with fearful avoidant attachment want to form strong interpersonal bonds but also want to protect themselves from rejection. This leads them to seek out relationships but avoid true commitment or to leave as soon as a relationship gets too intimate.
• Risk for depression and anxiety: The negative view of the self and the self-criticism that accompanies fearful avoidant attachment may leave people with this attachment style vulnerable to depression, social anxiety, and negative emotions, in general.
• Effects on sexual behavior: Meanwhile, another study found that, in comparison to other attachment styles, fearful avoidant attachment is predictive of more sexual partners in one’s lifetime and a greater tendency to consent to sex even when it’s unwanted.
• Chronic pain: Research also suggests that people with a fearful avoidant attachment style may also be affected by health issues, including chronic pain.

However, the effects of fearful avoidant attachment can vary depending on your coping style and the support you receive. Becoming more aware of your attachment style may help you learn to cope with it more effectively

Treatment for Fearful Avoidant Attachment

It can be helpful to discuss your challenges with fearful avoidant attachment with a counselor or therapist. Treatment options that can help include:

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT): This type of therapy can help you address the automatic negative thoughts and beliefs that play a role in your fears of intimacy and relationships.
• Attachment-based therapy: This type of therapy explores your early experiences and helps you develop healthier ways to cope with your fears and anxieties.
• Experiential therapies: These treatments can foster greater trust in others and improve your emotional regulation skills.

Fearful avoidant attachment may impede treatment because people with this attachment style are prone to avoiding intimacy, even with a therapist.

As a result, it’s important to seek out a therapist who has experience successfully treating people with fearful avoidant attachment and therefore knows how to overcome this potential therapeutic hurdle.

How to Cope and Feel More Secure

There are ways to address the challenges associated with a fearful avoidant attachment style. These include:

• Learn about your attachment style: If you relate to the fearful avoidant attachment, learning more about it can help you understand the thoughts and patterns that affect your relationships. Keep in mind that each of the adult attachment categories is broad and may not perfectly capture your experiences.
• Set and communicate boundaries in relationships: If you fear that sharing too much about yourself in a relationship too quickly will lead you to withdraw, slow things down. Let your partner know that you need time to open up and share what makes you anxious or what helps you feel secure, so you can build trust gradually.
• Be kind to yourself: Individuals with fearful avoidant attachment tend to think negatively about themselves and often exhibit self-criticism. It can help you to learn to talk to yourself like you would a friend. This enables you to be more compassionate and understanding of yourself while shutting down self-criticism.

Take the Attachment Styles Quiz

If you’re unsure about your attachment style, this fast and free quiz can help you identify what your thoughts and behaviors may say about your attachment.

This attachment styles quiz was reviewed by David Susman, PhD.

Understanding Adult Attachment Styles

Psychologist John Bowlby introduced attachment theory in 1969 to explain the bonds infants develop with their caregivers. He suggested that caregivers who are responsive and available will instill a sense of security in their babies, enabling the child to explore the world confidently. In the 1970s, Bowlby’s colleague Mary Ainsworth expanded on his ideas by identifying three specific attachment patterns in infants, which accounted for both secure and insecure attachment styles.

In 1990, Bartholomew and Horowitz proposed a four-category model of adult attachment styles that introduced the idea of fearful avoidant attachment.

Bartholomew and Horowitz’s categories were based on the combination of two working models: on the one hand, whether or not a person feels worthy of love and support, and on the other hand, whether or not one feels other people are trustworthy and available.

This created four adult attachment styles: one secure style and three insecure styles.

• Fearful avoidant: Individuals with this attachment style crave closeness but fear being hurt and rejected, often leading to a pattern of avoidance. They desire intimacy but pull away when others get close, creating a confusing push-pull dynamic in their relationships.
• Preoccupied: Those with preoccupied attachment believe they aren’t worthy of love, but generally feel others are supportive and accepting. Consequently, these individuals seek validation and self-acceptance through their relationships with others.
• Dismissive avoidant: People with dismissive avoidant attachment have a sense of their own self-worth but don’t trust other people. This makes them dismissive of the value of intimacy, leading them to avoid close relationships.
• Secure: People who have a secure attachment style believe they are worthy of love and that other people are trustworthy and responsive. As a result, they are comfortable with intimacy but are also secure enough to be on their own.

If someone has described you as emotionally unavailable, you may wonder what exactly that means and what you can do about it. People who aren’t emotionally available tend to have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University.

Someone who is emotionally available is able to express emotions in a healthy manner and form emotional attachments with people. On the other hand, someone who is emotionally unavailable may struggle with feeling the extent of their own emotions without shutting down or denying them, Dr. Romanoff explains.

This article explores some of the potential causes and characteristics of emotional unavailability, as well as some coping strategies that may be helpful.

Characteristics of Emotional Unavailability

These are some characteristics of people who are emotionally unavailable, according to Dr. Romanoff:

• Distant, cold, or aloof demeanor
• Difficulty talking about feelings and emotions
• Lack of closeness and emotional intimacy in relationships
• Inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings
• Defensiveness when asked to change or let others in
• Tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness
• Withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions

Causes of Emotional Unavailability

These are some of the potential causes of emotional unavailability, according to Dr. Romanoff:

• Cultural and social factors: Some people are taught that overt displays of emotion are a sign of weakness. Instead, they develop strategies and patterns of responding to that emotion by shutting down or repressing overt signals of emotionality.
• Childhood experiences: Many emotionally unavailable adults were once children who felt that their parents were unable to respond to their needs. These children learned to adapt by suppressing their emotions and minimizing others’ access to their emotional life, therefore denying others the opportunity to invalidate or neglect them again.
• Traumatic events: There could also be situational causes such as a break-up, divorce, or traumatic experience that can cause people to shut down emotionally in order to maintain everyday functioning, because if they were to feel the extent of their emotions it might be challenging for them to go on living their lives.
• Past experiences: People may become emotionally unavailable if they have learned in earlier relationships that showing their emotions only leads to pain and suffering.

Impact of Emotional Unavailability

Below, Dr. Romanoff describes how emotional unavailability can impact you and your relationships.

Impact on You

People who are emotionally unavailable usually view conversations about hurt feelings, requests to change behavior, and discussions of their relationship dynamics as off-limits. Not only will they shut down, they might even get angry or find ways to blame the other person and make them feel like they are the problem, to displace focus from their own discomfort and limitations.

It may also be difficult to emotionally connect with other people. Because they are so accustomed to turning off their emotions, it might be hard to empathize, relate, and honor the needs of others.

They are also likely to have landmines that they are constantly navigating and avoiding. Emotional triggers will tend to spark defensiveness and an automatic habit of putting up walls when people try to get close to them. 

Impact on Your Relationships

Emotional unavailability can take a toll on your relationships, both romantic and otherwise.

Potential romantic partners are likely to quickly grow frustrated when the emotionally unavailable partner refuses to let down their walls. Partners of emotionally unavailable people might also take it personally and assume their partners don’t trust them or like them enough.

Emotionally unavailable people also avoid commitment. This could look like avoiding labels in relationships or postponing the progression of a relationship. For instance, they may find it difficult to commit to moving in or getting married.

Instead of committing and deepening a relationship and connection with one person, emotionally unavailable people are more likely to have multiple superficial relationships and cut things off with people when they become too serious. 

This is not exclusive to romantic relationships, as they might not want emotional intimacy in friendships as well. They might become uncomfortable when people confide in them, tell them intimate information or become emotionally attached to them.

Coping With Emotional Unavailability

Below, Dr. Romanoff suggests some strategies that can help you cope, if you think you may be emotionally unavailable to others:

• Identify the causes: It’s helpful to start by understanding the causes of your emotional unavailability. It could be situational due to a recent trauma or loss. In this case, it’s important to be patient with yourself and give yourself time to process what happened. Alternatively, if the source is attachment trauma or childhood neglect, it can be helpful to work on processing these experiences. It’s not helpful to neglect your own emotions the way your caregivers once did.
• Practice expressing emotions: Find safe ways to access, sit with, and share your emotions. The best way to start is by yourself. You can do this by journaling or checking in with yourself to see how you are feeling. You can then branch out to a trusted friend, sibling, or partner to begin sharing your emotions with others.
• Seek therapy: Therapy is another great way to gain insights into your emotional response patterns and potentially use the therapy relationships as an opportunity to experience greater emotional availability.

Your upbringing, childhood experiences, or traumatic events may have taught you that it’s better to maintain emotional distance from others to avoid getting hurt or dealing with messy emotional entanglements. However, emotional availability is an essential aspect of our healthy relationships, so it’s important to learn to be vulnerable and open yourself up.

Empathy is something we all like to think we possess. The ability to be in tune with others and their feelings naturally makes us kinder people, because when we can relate to what another person is feeling, we are more likely to behave in their best interest and less likely to intentionally cause them pain.

That said, sometimes the amount of empathy a person feels can be a bit too much and lead to overwhelm in someone’s life.

When it comes to autism, which has many attributes centered around how a person relates to others, you might have heard that empathy is scarce. That’s not necessarily true, though: While some autistic people exhibit low empathy, other autistic people experience hyper-empathy, or too much of it.

“Empathy is a spectrum, and many autistic people have either higher than average or lower than average empathy,” explains Dr. Amy Marschall, Psy.D. Hyper-empathy can add to the already complex autistic experience.

We’ll discuss what hyper-empathy is, how it presents in autism, how it may impact autism diagnosis, and how you can more easily deal with life if you are a hyper-empathic autistic person.

What Is Hyper-Empathy?

Hyper-empathy is the term for someone being too in touch with the emotional state of other people. Feeling what others are experiencing too strongly is hard to wall off, and a hyper-empathic person may find themselves regularly tired or worn out just by being around others. Signs of hyper-empathy include:

• Knowing how someone is feeling without them telling you
• Deeply experiencing someone else’s feelings when they tell you about them, even when they are going through something you have never gone through
• Understanding the hierarchy and dynamics of a group of people without being informed of them
• Feeling overwhelmed when people discuss their emotions with you
• Anxious attachment
• Being a “yes” person because your own needs feel less important than someone else’s
• Overwhelm at physical contact with others

How It Shows Up For Autistic People

For autistic people, it’s normal to have an excess of one attribute and a deficit of another. “Autistic people tend to have “spiky” skillsets, meaning that we tend to have either a lot more or a lot less than average of many different things,” says Marschall.

Even though it has been scientifically proven that autistic people may feel more or less empathy than average, the cultural narrative around empathy and autism is that they lack empathy. I wasn’t diagnosed as autistic until age 46, and one of the many reasons I spent decades thinking I couldn’t possibly be autistic is because I’m hyper-empathetic.

In recent years, as prior studies about empathy in autism have been reviewed, scientists have realized that they are inconsistent in what those studies even consider empathy to be. One meta-analysis noted that “in 111 papers on autism and empathy, 31 unique conceptual interpretations of empathy were found. These diverged across 12 dimensions.” They said that those varied definitions impacted the outcomes of the studies, and that in turn, more work is needed.

The Link Between Hyper Empathy and Trauma

Marschall also explains that hyper-empathy can be caused by trauma. It wasn’t until receiving my diagnosis that I realized autism helped to explain the numerous times in my life that I had been in abusive situations, an occurrence—particularly concerning sexual violence—that is disproportionately higher for autistic people than neurotypical ones.

Marshall says, “When people have been abusive to me, I may become overly in-tune with their emotions to predict when they might become harmful.” She adds that “autistic individuals are often abused for displaying autistic traits, and many traditional ‘treatment’ protocols for autistic children are abusive and traumatic. This might lead to autistic people developing hyper-empathy as a protective response.”

doing trauma work in therapy can reduce the feelings of hyper-empathy as well since the trauma responses may not be as prevalent or easily triggered.

Empathy Is More Intense, But Harder to Communicate

Lastly, hyper-empathy in autism can be particularly challenging because it’s common for autistic people to have a harder time vocalizing their feelings than neurotypical people. This is often due to alexithymia in addition to neurotypical standards that feelings must be spoken verbally to be understood. For autistic people, it means that they may experience a mountain of emotions while appearing uncaring or unmoved.

Personally, I have had countless partners be shocked by the poetry I wrote them because they thought I wasn’t invested in our relationship or didn’t feel strongly about them, due to my lack of expressing otherwise.

Until diagnosis, I had never known how to reconcile the fact that I feel emotions so deeply, yet rarely can I ever get those feelings to come out of my mouth as spoken words–unless I’m reading aloud something I wrote prior.

How to Deal

If you’ve realized that you are hyper-empathetic as an autistic person, it’s natural to wonder how to navigate it.

That’s been a priority for me since making the connection between the two things, and already it has enabled me to feel more understood by people in my life.

Here are two concrete ways you can more easily navigate life as a hyper-empathetic autistic person.

Boundaries

If you find yourself performing favors you don’t have the energy for because it’s hard to say no, or getting exhausted by too much physical contact with strangers, this is a great opportunity to learn how to set boundaries and communicate them.

For those close to you, you can begin by explaining—in writing if easier—why certain acts are hard for you due to the amount of empathy you feel. Marschall recommends that you “tell the people you trust how you communicate so they can understand and support you.” Boundaries are not set as a means to control other people’s behavior but to help others understand your personal limits or capacities.

For example, once I learned about the connection between hyper-empathy and autism, I realized that it explains why I hate hugging strangers. I get emotionally overwhelmed by the physicality of others because it is a huge cascade of emotions hitting me all at once.

My girlfriend bought me a pin that says “not a hugger” and I decided to tell strangers that I like to start with a wave or a handshake when I meet new people. Additionally, to help people I know and people who follow my social media understand this phenomenon better, I made an instagram reel about it.

Validation

As with many elements of autism, it’s important that we understand that different is neither better nor worse. Your hyper-empathy may make you shy away from groups or feel anxious in relationships, but that doesn’t mean you are any less emotionally equipped than anyone else. It simply means that the common ways society handles things don’t always work well for you.

“Unfortunately autistic people are often punished or misunderstood because we don’t always display emotions in ways that neurotypical people perceive it,” says Marschall. “I want to be clear that autistic people’s emotional responses are not ‘wrong,’ ‘bad,’ or ‘less than’ those of non-autistics. Ideally, we would live in a world where all forms of nonverbal body language are valued equally,” she adds.

The term egocentric is a concept that originated within Piaget’s theory of childhood development. Egocentrism refers to someone’s inability to understand that another person’s view or opinion may be different than their own.

Egocentrism represents a cognitive bias, in that someone would assume that others share the same perspective as they do, unable to imagine that other people would have a perception of their own.

What It Means to Be Egocentric

Another development theorist, David Elkind, expanded on this idea of egocentrism with regards to adolescence. Elkind described “A heightened self-awareness and self-conscious,” saying that teenagers often feel that others are watching them and that they are extraordinarily concerned with what others think of them.

Although most people grow out of this egocentric mindset, we are aware that others do not and that they tend to bring some of these same self-focused traits in their adult lives and relationships. 

Egocentric vs. Narcissistic

Since the term egocentric describes someone who is self-focused and unable to imagine any other perspective than their own, you might wonder if this is the same thing as narcissism. Although there are some parallels, there is a distinct difference between egocentric and narcissistic personalities.

Some of the similarities between egocentrism and narcissism include:

• Focus on own perception and opinion
• Lack of empathy
• Inability to recognize the needs of others
• Excessive thoughts of how others might view them
• Decision-making around the needs of self

In addition to these traits, however, narcissistic people also demonstrate:

• Excessive need for recognition and admiration
• View self as extraordinarily worthy or important
• Sense of entitlement
• Manipulate others to get what they want
• Arrogant and pretentious behaviors
• Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or beauty

A primary difference between being egocentric and narcissistic is that someone who is narcissistic constantly seeks admiration from others with a need to feel important and valued.

Impact of Egocentism

Egocentric people can find it difficult to connect with others or maintain meaningful relationships for a long period of time. The bias toward self can result in an egocentric person struggling at home, at work, and within their intimate relationships.

The primary reason for these struggles is the lack of ability to empathize or imagine someone’s perspective other than their own. As you can imagine, this might negatively impact things like:

Some of the ways being around an egocentric person might impact us include feelings of:

• Low self-worth: When we feel irrelevant we are left feeling low as if our opinions don’t matter
• Self-doubt: You may question your own judgment or perception
• Confusion: You may wonder if the person recognizes their egocentric ways
• Sadness: You may feel sorry for the person or sad for yourself after interacting with them
• Anger: It can be difficult to practice assertiveness with an egocentric person, which can lead to frustration and anger over not feeling seen or heard
• Resentment: After a time, you might find yourself bitter toward them for the ways they behave and how you feel after interactions
• Detachment: Unfortunately, if the pattern continues, you may desire to move away from the person as much as you can in order to protect your sense of self.

There may be times when you can simply choose to limit your exposure to an egocentric person, however, there are many situations in which it is not an option and you have to learn how to take care of yourself while in their presence.

Egocentrism in Relationships

For the egocentric person, life can feel isolating and anxiety-producing. When living with a cognitive bias, a person with a great deal of egocentrism may believe that all eyes are on them and that every move or decision they make is noticed by others.

This can create a tremendous amount of pressure for that person, causing anxiety around their decision-making and social interactions. Even when they want to connect with others they may not know how to do that or may make efforts to connect and become confused as to why their efforts don’t work.

Your partner may make important decisions without you, make plans based on their needs and schedule, or seem distant or uninterested if you come to them with an emotional need for comfort, reassurance or encouragement. The egocentric partner may believe that the relationship is fine when their partner is often left feeling invisible and devalued.

Common Egocentric Traits

It is common for most people to have some level of egocentrism. Research has shown that adults tend to have egocentric shortcomings in the following ways:

• False consensus effect: When we overestimate how much other people share our perspective or preferences. We tend to think that others would agree with us or see things our way.
• Curse of knowledge: When those who are experts in their field tend to talk above people around them on that topic. They forget that there is a difference between the level of knowledge they have on the topic compared to those around them.
• Illusion of transparency: When people feel that others can clearly see their emotional state in a given experience. For example, we might think that others can see how anxious we feel when we are giving a presentation at work.
• Spotlight effect: When people overestimate how much others are noticing their presence or behaviors. We may walk into a room and feel like people are watching our every move when, in reality, they are casually interacting with each other and may not notice us at all.

How to Become Less Egocentric

Since we all have an egocentric slant to some degree we can all benefit from softening our egocentric edge. Being self-focused can be a benefit when we are trying to stick to our values or when we are feeling disrespected.

However, when an egocentric mindset begins to negatively impact our everyday behavior it can cause problems. There are helpful tips for becoming less egocentric

• Slow down. Sometimes we make decisions based out of fear. Fear likes to pressure us and force us to think in a very “flight or fight” way, even when we are not in the presence of danger. Slowing down can help you clarify what it is that needs to be decided, considering how your decision may impact those around you.
• Look around. We like to think that life is all about us. There are people around us who care and want to be a part of our lives and decision-making. Look around and see who is standing by you and willing to help. Considering the needs and perspectives of other people can also help reduce egocentrism.
• Take a chance. Sometimes people become more egocentric because they have learned through experience that they cannot trust others to be there for them. As you look around and notice who is standing by you, take a chance to let someone show you what they can do. Not only are you practicing walking through your fears but allowing someone who cares about you to get close.
• Stay present. Just as some egocentric people have learned to not trust others, some have learned to never show vulnerability. Even if you make a decision and someone notices a misstep, keep moving. All of us want to live well and it never feels comfortable when others see our mistakes. Staying present allows you to practice navigating uncomfortable situations, learning that you can move through them and still be okay.

Research has also found that using mental imagery to help change your perspective can also help reduce feelings of egocentrism and self-consciousness.

Dealing With Egocentric People

All of us are a bit egocentric at times. But, a truly egocentric person does not consider others and is heavily focused on needs and desires of self to the point of not being able to recognize or consider the opinions of others or to empathize.

Although it may feel that someone like this is narcissistic, an egocentric person does not necessarily obsess over things like success, beauty, or status. They simply don’t consider other people in their decision-making.

It is important to emotionally take care of yourself if you happen to be around an egocentric person. Remember that their inability to consider your perspective or opinion is about their cognitive bias, not a result of anything you have done. Keeping a thoughtful distance from their behavior can help you emotionally protect yourself around an egocentric person.

When it comes to relationships and our long-term goals or expectations, not everyone is the same. Some people want to take things slow and see where they go, some know they only want something short-term, and others jump into a relationship with marriage on their minds.

When you feel ready to settle down, it is important to have an open and honest conversation with your partner with caring, curiosity, calmness, and respect. But you’ll also need to be emotionally prepared if it turns out they want something different than you.

It’s natural to feel an intense desire for commitment in your relationship, especially if it involves starting a family path together. However, before taking this step forward toward marriage, take some time to reflect upon what both of you expect out of your partnership.

What Are You Looking For?

Although it might feel like you inherently know that you want to be married, it’s important to take a step back and ask yourself what exactly you are looking for. Are you hoping for more security, recognition, acknowledgment of your relationship’s importance, or simply the ability to call your partner “my husband” or “my wife”?

Additional questions to consider: What does marriage mean to you? Where did you learn this, and is it a belief that is yours or your family’s or societal or religious teachings? What will marriage give to you that you don’t already have, and are these things only possible with marriage?

If you’re already in a committed relationship and marriage is simply a formality, then your answer could be that you want more security or the traditions that marriage brings (like a wedding, anniversaries, etc.).

Other benefits that marriage brings include:

• Legal and government benefits, rights, and responsibilities
• A change in tax status
• A sense of relationship permanence
• Enhanced feelings of meaning and purpose, improved sense of self, and a heightened sense of mastery for some

However, it’s also important to ask yourself what you are looking for if you are in a less stable relationship. Are you trying to fix the relationship through marriage? Are you trying to please someone else? Do you want to have children and feel that you have to be married to do so?

Balance Your Needs

Neither partner should feel obligated to give up their needs to be in the relationship. Figure out what compromises you’re willing to make on certain issues.

For example, if marriage isn’t something that’s a high priority for your partner, but they are still committed to you, they might be willing to compromise and move forward with the marriage. On the other hand, if they are steadfastly opposed to marriage, you may need to consider that the relationship isn’t going to work out.

The best part about balancing your needs is the chance to have real conversations about what you each want out of the relationship. Whether or not you resolve the issue of marriage, it should become clear how well suited you are to one another and whether your values and goals align.

Process Your Feelings

Use this time to process your feelings rather than try to change or influence your partner. Reflect on what you want in a partner and whether your current partner is the right person for you. Your relationship may not be as strong as it seemed when it began simply because you want different things out of life.

Hear Their Perspective

A marriage is made up of two individuals with different perspectives. If you don’t have a conversation about those unique views, they could get in the way when it’s time to decide about the big stuff in life.

It may seem like trying to get an answer from someone who isn’t ready will only frustrate you both; however, patience could help improve communication to gain more insight into why your partner feels hesitant.

If you can, set your defensiveness aside and listen with an open mind (empathetically without judgment), then your partner will feel like they have space to explore their deepest thoughts safely with you.

Understand Their Fear

Tina B. Tessina, psychotherapist and co-author of “How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together,” advises that fear is often underlying these types of conflicts. She argues that understanding where your partner is coming from is key.

If you decide to commit yourself to one person for life, then that means taking on all risks, including not getting what you want or need at any given time. Commitment helps bridge gaps between differences; it provides safety nets against loneliness and can help grow connections as partners work together towards common goals.

Some people are so afraid of getting hurt again that they put up a barrier to commitment in their lives. They’re terrified and reject the idea because it’s too hard for them right now, or perhaps ever. Meanwhile, others may find themselves tempted but also fearful about committing. This might be due to past experiences that made them wary of trusting other people with all aspects of who they are.

Consider Couples Counseling

If your partner is not interested in marrying, you don’t have to break up right away. There are some things you can both do to work towards a more harmonious relationship. Waiting around forever isn’t advisable; rather, talking with someone who has experience on the topic may help bridge the gap.

If your partner will not attend counseling with you, consider going to individual therapy to talk about your feelings in a safe space. This could be particularly helpful if you have issues you don’t feel comfortable discussing in front of your partner. For example, you may be concerned about timelines for starting a family. Through individual therapy, you can work through these issues and find the best solutions for your long-term happiness.

Know When to Leave

At some point, you may need to decide on leaving the relationship if you can’t reach a compromise on marriage. You will probably experience a range of emotions, from sadness at the loss to anger at the time wasted.

It may not be easy for your partner to be open and honest about the reasons behind their hesitation, but if you can’t learn more, then there is likely no chance of moving forward. Try asking them what they are feeling or talk out different scenarios together to have a better understanding.

However, it’s important not to dwell on “what could have been.” The best time to leave is when you’ve exhausted all options at making things work. At that point, you can feel confident that you gave everything you had. And when you’ve done your very best, there is no longer any reason to feel sad about the situation. If you can, try to focus on the better future that is waiting for you.

When to Seek Support

Whether your relationship continues and leads to marriage is often the result of a complex interplay of the needs and wants of you and your partner. While it’s always possible to reach a compromise, a huge gap between what each of you wants could lead to conflict down the road.

For someone who struggles with codependency and has difficulty connecting with what they need and want, chameleon-ing to match or please others and seeking the opinions of outsiders for your personal life can be more harmful than helpful.

Instead of getting advice from others, seek support by having others witness, listen to, and hear your experience and perspective. They can then ask thoughtful, insightful, and curious questions, and support you in getting clarity about what you want (without intruding with their ideas, preferences, and perspectives).

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel uncertain or in danger but you’re not sure why? You may look around and see no one else is bothered, but something still feels off to you.

You may not realize it, but you are walking around the world each day reading thousands of social cues in your environment. In our interactions with others, we pick up facial expressions, tones of voice, bodily movement, and more. We are constantly observing and interacting with the world and others as part of the human experience.

As we have these interactions with others, our sense of self is being shaped. We learn who we can trust and who feels dangerous to us. Our bodies are processing this type of information constantly through these interactions with the world.

The Body’s Surveillance System

Our nervous system is a complex structure that gathers information from all over our body and coordinates activity. There are two main parts of the nervous system: the central nervous system and the peripheral nervous system.

Central Nervous System

The central nervous system consists of two structures:

• Brain: This is the structure composed of billions of interconnected neurons, or nerve cells, contained in the skull. It functions as the coordinating center for almost all of our body’s functions. It is the seat of our intellect.
• Spinal cord: This is a bundled network of nerve fibers that connects most parts of our body to our brain.

Peripheral Nervous System

The peripheral nervous system consists of all of the nerves outside of our brain and spinal cord. It can be categorized into two distinct systems:

• Somatic nervous system (voluntary): This system allows our muscles and brains to communicate with each other. The somatic system helps our brain and spinal cord to send signals to our muscles to help them move, as well as sends information from the body back to the brain and spinal cord.
• Autonomic nervous system (involuntary): This is the system that controls the glands and internal organs, such as the heart, lungs, and digestive system. This system runs the important parts of our body without us having to intentionally think about them. For example, we can breathe without having to think about taking a breath each time.

Reading Danger Cues

Our autonomic nervous system is complex and always busy. In addition to running important functions in our bodies, our autonomic nervous system is also helping us to scan, interpret, and respond to danger cues.

There are two separate systems at work within our autonomic nervous system that help us read and respond to danger cues:

• Sympathetic nervous system. This system arouses our bodies to respond by mobilizing us to move when in dangerous situations. Many refer to this system as our “fight or flight” response to danger cues in our environment. It is also responsible for activating our adrenal glands to release epinephrine into our bloodstream, otherwise known as creating an adrenaline rush. When we see a snake, our sympathetic nervous system will read the cue of the potential threat and prompt our body to respond, likely involving a quick adrenaline rush and immediate movement away from the snake.
• Parasympathetic nervous system. This system is involved in calming our bodies and conserving energy by slowing our heart rate, regulating our digestion, and lowering our blood pressure. Some refer to this system as the “rest and digest” system. As we begin to read that a cue is not dangerous, our body begins to calm down with the help of our parasympathetic nervous system.

The Vagus Nerve

One nerve is of particular interest to Dr. Stephen Porges, Ph.D. Dr. Porges is a distinguished university lecturer, scientist, and developer of what is referred to as The Polyvagal Theory. The vagus nerve is the tenth cranial nerve, a very long and wandering nerve that begins at the medulla oblongata, a part of the brain located in the lower part of the brain just above where the brain connects with our spinal cord.

There are two sides to this vagus nerve, the dorsal (back) and the ventral (front). From there, the two sides of the vagus nerve run down throughout our body. They are considered to have the widest distribution of nerves within the human body.

Scanning our Environment

From the time we are born, we are intuitively scanning our environment for cues of safety and danger.

A baby responds to the safe feelings of closeness with their parent or caregiver. Likewise, a baby will respond to cues that are perceived as scary or dangerous, like a stranger, a scary noise, or a lack of response from their caregiver. We scan for cues of safety and danger our entire lives.

Neuroception

In polyvagal theory, Dr. Porges describes the process in which our neural circuits read cues of danger in our environment as neuroception. Through this process of neuroception, we are experiencing the world in a way in which we are involuntarily scanning situations and people to determine if they are safe or dangerous.

As part of our autonomic nervous system, this process is happening without us being aware of it. Just as we are able to breathe without having to intentionally tell ourselves to take a breath, we are able to scan our environment for cues without telling ourselves to do so.

The vagus nerve is of particular interest during this process of neuroception. In the process of neuroception, both sides of our vagus nerve can be stimulated. Each side (ventral and dorsal) has been found to respond in distinct ways as we scan and process information from our environment and social interactions.

The ventral side of the vagus nerve responds to cues of safety in our environment and interactions. It supports feelings of physical safety and safe emotional connection to others in our social environment.

The dorsal side of the vagus nerve responds to cues of danger. It pulls us away from connection, out of awareness, and into a state of self-protection. In moments when we might experience a cue of extreme danger, we can shut down and feel frozen, an indication that our dorsal vagal nerve has taken over.

Three Developmental Stages of Response

Within his polyvagal theory, Porges describes the three evolutionary stages involved in the development of our autonomic nervous system. Rather than simply suggesting that there is a balance between our sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, Porges describes a hierarchy of responses built into our autonomic nervous system.

• Immobilization. Described as the oldest pathway, this involves an immobilization response. As you might remember, the dorsal side of the vagus nerve responds to cues of extreme danger, causing us to become immobile. This causes us to respond to fear by becoming frozen, numb, and shutting down. It is almost as if our parasympathetic nervous system is kicking into overdrive as our response causes us to freeze rather than simply slow down.
• Mobilization. Within this response, we tapped into our sympathetic nervous system which helps us mobilize in the face of a danger cue. We spring into action with our adrenaline rush to get away from danger or to fight off our threat. Polyvagal theory suggests this pathway was next to develop in the evolutionary hierarchy.
• Social engagement. The newest addition to the hierarchy of responses is based on the ventral (front) side of the vagus nerve. This part of the vagus nerve responds to feelings of safety and connection. Social engagement allows us to feel anchored, which is facilitated by that ventral vagus pathway. In this space, we can feel safe, calm, connected, and engaged.

The Response Hierarchy in Daily Life

As we go through life engaging with the world, there are inevitably moments when we will feel safe and others when we will feel discomfort or danger. Polyvagal theory suggests this space is fluid and we can move in and out of these different places within the hierarchy of responses easily.

For example, we might experience social engagement in the embrace of a safe loved one and, within the same day, find ourselves in mobilization as we are confronted with danger such as a rabid dog, a robbery, or an intense conflict with a coworker.

There are also may be times when we read and respond to a danger cue in a way that leaves us feeling trapped and unable to get out of the situation. In those moments, our body is responding to increased feelings of anger and distress, moving into a more primal space of immobilization. Our dorsal vagus nerve is impacted and locks us down into a place of freezing, feeling numb, and, as some researchers believe, dissociating.

Danger cues can become overwhelming in these moments and we see no viable way out. An example of this could be moments of sexual or physical abuse.

Impact of Trauma

When someone has experienced trauma, particularly in experiences where they were left immobilized, their ability to scan their environment for danger cues can become skewed. Of course, our body’s goal is to prevent a terrifying moment like it again, so it will do whatever it needs to to protect us.

When our body picks up a cue within an interaction that signals we may not be safe, it begins to respond. For most, this cue moves them into a place of a mobilization response, springing into action to neutralize or escape the threat.

For those who have experienced trauma, a danger cue can move them directly to immobilization. As they come to associate numerous interpersonal cues as dangerous, such as a slight change of facial expression, a particular tone of voice, or certain types of body posturing, they may find themselves responding in a way that is familiar to them in an effort to prepare and protect themselves.

In these situations, mobilization may not be registered by the body as an option. This can be quite confusing for trauma survivors who are unaware of how this hierarchy of response is influenced by their interactions with others and the world.

What You Can Do

As humans, we are constantly scanning the environment around us for safety and danger. And, according to polyvagal theory, the way our nervous system perceives threats impacts how our brain and body will respond to the situation.

If you feel like you are experiencing excess immobilization or are seeing danger cues more often than you should, it may be helpful to work on exercises to calm the vagus nerve. Ways to calm the vagus nerve are mostly physical, including meditation, exercise, and breathing exercises. Psychotherapy may also be helpful, especially if your “fight-or-flight” response may be overactive due to past trauma.