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Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? Expert Tips to Consider

Key Takeaways

  • Staying friends with an ex can work if you have no romantic feelings and have moved on emotionally.
  • Be honest with yourself about your true feelings before trying to be friends with an ex.
  • Set clear boundaries to keep the friendship from mimicking the past romantic relationship.

If you and your partner have recently broken up, you may wonder whether or not it’s possible to one day be friends with them and whether that’s even a good idea.

On the one hand, it can be hard to suddenly cut off all contact with someone who was such a big part of your life. Particularly if it was a serious romantic relationship, it can be hard to just let go of the emotional and physical intimacy you had with the person.

On the other hand, you may be upset and angry with the person, which can make it hard for you to be friendly with them. You may have a lot of unresolved feelings toward them that you don’t quite know what to do with.

You might wonder if you can hold on to part of your previous connection, or reinvent your relationship in a new, platonic way.

There’s no right answer to this question and every situation is different. However, there are lots of factors to take into consideration when you’re deciding whether or not you should try to stay friends with your ex.

Verywell Mind asked Clarissa Silva, a behavioral scientist, relationship coach, and creator of ‘Your Happiness Hypothesis Method,’ to weigh in.

Why You Might Want to Be Friends With an Ex

These are some of the reasons why you might want to be friends with your ex:

  • You have common friends: If you and your ex have a lot of common friends, being at odds can make things awkward and difficult for everyone. Making an effort to be friends with each other can help you maintain social ties.
  • You’re co-parenting together: If you and your ex are co-parenting children together, staying on good terms with each other can help create a more stable environment for the kids.
  • You’re colleagues: If you and your ex are colleagues and work together, staying cordial and friendly can help prevent any friction in the workplace.
  • You have shared interests: If you and your ex-partner have shared interests or continue to participate in certain hobbies or activities together, it may be helpful to stay friends with each other.
  • You broke up amicably: If you and your ex parted ways amicably or for practical reasons, you may be happy to stay friends with them.
  • You have a foundation of friendship: If you and your ex were friends before you started dating, you may have a strong foundation of friendship. You may realize that the two of you are better off as friends than lovers. For instance, research shows that friends with benefits arrangements often dissolve amicably into friendship if the people were once good friends.
  • You’re not ready to let go: Sometimes, remaining friends with an ex helps to provide a sense of security because of the familiarity and emotional bond you developed over time, says Silva. It can be hard to let go of the emotional security of a relationship and you may try to find ways to retain that feeling.
  • You want closure: If you’re not entirely over the relationship, you may try to be friends with your ex in order to find closure.

When Is It a Good Idea?

Staying friends with an ex can be a good idea if you and your ex have:

  • Platonic feelings: You and your ex don’t have romantic feelings for each other anymore. You can have a platonic relationship and treat them as a friend, and nothing more.
  • Aligned goals: You’re both on the same page and genuinely want to be friends with each other.
  • Mutual support: You have mutual respect for each other and continue to be a source of support to one another.
  • Closure: You have both processed the breakup and don’t have any unresolved feelings toward each other. You have both moved on and may be seeing other people.
  • Emotional maturity: You are both emotionally mature enough to maintain a supportive friendship without emotional baggage or unrealistic expectations.

Sometimes we allow our past relationships to interfere with our future happiness, says Silva. “When that is the case, going backward can sometimes help us move forward because it makes us see that we’ve idealized our previous relationship. Revisiting the friendship side of the relationship can help resolve some of that past hurt.”

When Is It a Bad Idea?

On the other hand, trying to be friends with an ex may not be a good idea if:

  • Your ex was abusive or harmed you in any way.
  • You or your ex lied or cheated on each other and seriously hurt each other.
  • You still have feelings for your ex and you’re trying to get back together with them.
  • You know your ex still has feelings for you but you don’t feel that way anymore.
  • You’re feeling lonely and want comfort and attention.
  • You’re trying to prove that you’re over the relationship and doing well without them.
  • You’re trying to get gossip on what their life is like without you.

Sometimes, we fixate on our exes because we haven’t found a replacement or don’t want to go through the dating process, says Silva. “Trying to rekindle a friendship with your ex can help reveal why you chose to break up, by surfacing the incompatibility, toxicity, and negative emotions you faced when you were together.”

A 2020 study notes that people who are divorced may experience emotional and psychological distress upon interacting with their exes.

How Long Should You Wait?

If you and your partner have just broken up, you may wonder whether you should wait for some time before you try to be friends.

There isn’t exactly a right amount of time that will help your relationship become the ideal version you think it should be, says Silva. Rather, it depends on the circumstances of each individual relationship. 

For instance, if your relationship was short-lived, you may not have been very emotionally invested in it. As a result, you may not have any hard feelings toward your ex and may be able to be friends with them with ease.

On the other hand, if you and your partner were in a serious long-term relationship that didn’t work out, or you had a particularly bad break-up, it may take both of you some time to process your emotions and achieve closure before you can be friends with each other.

Even if you think you can be friends with your ex, you should give yourself the space to properly grieve the relationship and regain your independence. This could take a few weeks, months, or even years. Following the no-contact rule for a time can help you rebuild your life without them.

How to Make It Work

These are some strategies that can help you successfully be friends with your ex.

Be Honest With Yourself 

Before you commit to being friends with your ex, ask yourself the following questions:

  • Are you still in love with your ex and trying to get back together with them?
  • Are you still angry or upset with them?
  • What are you trying to get out of a friendship with them?
  • Do you genuinely believe you can have a healthy, platonic relationship with them?
  • Will you be all right when they start dating someone new?

It’s important to be honest with yourself about your feelings. Otherwise, trying to be friends with them could cause you more pain.

Avoid Reminiscing About Your Relationship

Although it may be difficult, try not to reminisce about your relationship with your ex, says Silva. 

She explains that when you do so, you are only extracting the moments of the relationship you want to remember while ignoring the other parts of it. “This idealizes your ex-partner and creates a false sense of hope about how the person fits into your life.”

Set Boundaries

It’s important to set and maintain boundaries with your ex. Your friendship should not mimic the romantic relationship you had with them. By setting boundaries, you can ensure that lines are not being crossed.

This can sometimes be hard to do, because we tend to hold on to to what we have and know. While we’re in a relationship, we develop a physiological attachment to our partners that makes us want to remain attached, says Silva. She explains that this attachment is not really a desire for your ex, but rather a desire to be attached and loved.

Remaining in a pseudo-relationship under the guise of friendship delays your happiness because instead of seeking a fulfilling relationship with someone better suited to you, you tend to remain in a relationship of convenience with your ex, she adds.

Therefore, it’s important to distinguish this for yourself and set firm boundaries in your friendship with your ex, says Silva.

Accept That Things Are Different

Being friends with someone is not the same thing as dating someone. While it may be weird at first, you will gradually get used to the new dynamic over time. You will have to continually accept the fact that things are different now.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Owen J, Fincham FD, Manthos M. Friendship after a friends with benefits relationship: deception, psychological functioning, and social connectedness. Arch Sex Behav. 2013;42(8):1443-1449. doi:10.1007/s10508-013-0160-7

  2. O’Hara KL, Grinberg AM, Tackman AM, Mehl MR, Sbarra DA. Contact with an ex-partner is associated with psychological distress after marital separation. Clin Psychol Sci. 2020;8(3):450-463. doi:10.1177/2167702620916454

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By Sanjana Gupta

Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.


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Freud’s Unconcious, Preconscious, and Conscious Minds

Key Takeaways

  • Freud’s theory divides the mind into the conscious, preconscious, and unconscious levels.
  • The unconscious mind holds feelings and thoughts that affect behavior without our awareness.

Famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud believed that behavior and personality were derived from the constant and unique interaction of conflicting psychological forces that operate at three different levels of awareness: the preconscious, conscious, and unconscious minds. He believed that each of these parts of the mind plays an important role in influencing behavior.

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About Sigmund Freud

Sigmund Freud was the founder of psychoanalytic theory. While his ideas were considered shocking at the time and create debate and controversy even now, his work had a profound influence on a number of disciplines, including psychology, sociology, anthropology, literature, and even art.

The term psychoanalysis is used to refer to many aspects of Freud’s work and research, including Freudian therapy and the research methodology he used to develop his theories. Freud relied heavily upon his observations and case studies of his patients when he formed his theory of personality development.

Freud’s Three Levels of the Mind

Freud delineated the mind in distinct levels, each with their own roles and functions. The three levels of the mind are:

  • The preconscious consists of anything that could potentially be brought into the conscious mind.
  • The conscious mind contains all of the thoughts, memories, feelings, and wishes of which we are aware at any given moment. This is the aspect of our mental processing that we can think and talk about rationally. This also includes our memory, which is not always part of consciousness but can be retrieved easily and brought into awareness.
  • The unconscious mind is a reservoir of feelings, thoughts, urges, and memories that are outside of our conscious awareness. The unconscious contains contents that are unacceptable or unpleasant, such as feelings of pain, anxiety, or conflict.

Freud likened the three levels of mind to an iceberg. The top of the iceberg that you can see above the water represents the conscious mind. The part of the iceberg that is submerged below the water, but is still visible, is the preconscious. The bulk of the iceberg that lies unseen beneath the waterline represents the unconscious mind, often also referred to simply as the unconscious.

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How the Unconscious Mind Affects Behavior

While the information in the unconscious mind is outside of awareness, it continues to have an influence on a person’s behavior. Some of the ways the unconscious can affect behavior include:

  • Negative thoughts
  • Self-defeating thoughts and behaviors
  • Feelings of anger
  • Compulsive behaviors
  • Childhood behavioral problems
  • Difficulties in interpersonal relationships
  • Distressing patterns in romantic relationships
  • Attitudes about others
  • Unhealthy habits
  • Distressing dreams
  • First impressions of other people
  • Prejudice and stereotypes

The Freudian Slip

Another example of the unconscious mind can be seen in what are known as slips of the tongue. Many of us have experienced what is commonly referred to as a Freudian slip at some point or another. These misstatements are believed to reveal underlying, unconscious thoughts or feelings.

Freud believed that while the unconscious mind is largely inaccessible, the contents can sometimes bubble up unexpectedly, such as in dreams or slips of the tongue.

An example of a Freudian slip is a man who accidentally uses a former girlfriend’s name when referring to a current girlfriend. While most of us might believe this to be a simple error, Freud believed that the slip showed the sudden intrusion of the unconscious mind into the conscious mind, often due to unresolved or repressed feelings.

Accessing the Unconscious Mind

According to Freud, thoughts and emotions outside of our awareness continue to exert an influence on our behaviors, even though we are unaware (unconscious) of these underlying influences. 

The unconscious mind can include repressed feelings, hidden memories, habits, thoughts, desires, and reactions. Memories and emotions that are too painful, embarrassing, shameful, or distressing to consciously face are stored in the enormous reservoir that makes up the unconscious mind.

To identify the roots of a psychological distress, Freud employed techniques like dream analysis and free association (the sharing of seemingly random thoughts) to bring true feelings to light.

The Role of the Preconscious Mind

The contents of the conscious mind include all of the things that you are actively aware of. The closely related preconscious mind contains all of the things that you could potentially pull into conscious awareness. The preconscious also acts as something of a guard, controlling the information that is allowed to enter into conscious awareness.

Preconscious memories are not the same things as memories that are readily accessed, such as remembering your way home. They are unrepressed memories that we extract for a specific purpose at a specific time.

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By Kendra Cherry, MSEd

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the “Everything Psychology Book.”


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9 Things to Say When Someone Is Gaslighting You

Key Takeaways

  • Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where someone tries to make you doubt your reality.
  • Respond to gaslighting by affirming your reality and refusing to accept false narratives.
  • Find support from loved ones and consider therapy to help cope with gaslighting.

No, you’re not losing it. Few things in life make us feel worse than when we speak our truth and someone responds that we’re lying or misremembering. If you’ve ever been in a conflict where this occurred, you may have been gaslighted.

It’s an unfortunate tactic that some people use to manipulate others, and you don’t have to accept it. We’ll break down how gaslighting works and how you can respond to it, from specific sentences you can use to strategies for being a more firm and effective communicator.

How Gaslighting Works

Gaslighting is a manipulation technique that causes you to reconsider your own reality as potentially untrue. It occurs when someone gives you false information, tells you what you know is incorrect, and continues to do both things until you are no longer sure what’s real and what’s not.

As you might expect, gaslighting is deeply hurtful to those who are victims of it. “Gaslighting affects people by making them doubt themselves and their instincts,” says Patrice Le Goy PhD, MBA, LMFT. When someone else systematically breaks down our concept of reality, it can make us feel crazy.

Knowing that we can trust our own instincts provides us great comfort in life, so when someone takes that from you, it can leave you feeling anything from uncomfortable to downright terrified.

What to Say When You’re Being Gaslighted

Whatever you say to the person gaslighting you, you will want to speak from a place of strength and knowledge. You know your reality to be true, and you won’t be convinced otherwise!

If you need to harness some of the anger you’re feeling—and it won’t cause you to become irrational—then feel free to do that. Whatever it takes to get you to a place of firmness in your boundaries and in your communication is ok as fuel for your courage.

Responding to gaslighting can be empowering because you are refusing to accept the false narrative that the other person is trying to make you believe. Responding to it is a way of reclaiming your self-respect and confidence.


PATRICE LE GOY PHD, MBA, LMFT

The following statements can help you respond to gaslighting:

  1. That is not the truth and I refuse to accept it.
  2. I know that I deserve better treatment and that you are not able or willing to treat me right.
  3. I only want to be with someone who is honest and respectful to me, and that is not you.
  4. I realize you disagree with me; here is how I see it.
  5. I see that your perspective is different from mine, but my feelings and reality are valid.
  6. Don’t tell me how to feel; this is how I feel.
  7. I am confident in my own experiences and perceptions.
  8. I know how I feel, and I’m not changing my opinion.
  9. I understand my own experience better than you do.

Strategies for Responding to Gaslighting

It’s important to be be assertive in your communication with someone who is gaslighting you. Here are some assertive communication techniques:

  • Maintain eye contact
  • Keep a confident posture
  • Speak clearly and factually—no flowery language is needed
  • Don’t exaggerate
  • Speak from the “I,” not the “you”
  • Discuss how actions make you feel, e.g. “when you do this I feel that

Maintaining your boundaries throughout communicating assertively may be a challenge, but it’s a needed element. “Knowing and expressing your boundaries is one of the best strategies for dealing with gaslighting,” explains Le Goy. She says to “be very clear that you do not need to take care of someone who is not taking care of you.”

Before you have a conversation with someone gaslighting you, you’ll want to think about what your boundaries are so that you enter the conversation with full clarity about what you will and will not tolerate from another person.

Throughout your communication, you’ll want to affirm your own reality repeatedly. You can do that both to yourself, acknowledging the trust you rightfully have in your instincts, and directly to your gaslighter.

Statements such as “I am in touch with reality and I won’t accept being told otherwise” and “I know what is true, and lies will not deter me from my truth” can be beneficial as a mantra and as a spoken sentence.

Importance of Responding to Gaslighting

Gaslighting is awful for our mental health, and it can negatively impact our wellbeing. It’s considered a form of abuse, and it can be experienced and perpetrated by people of all ages. It leads to consequences that cause the victim suffering and a deterioration of the health.

“Gaslighting is a very manipulative technique that can result in increased anxiety and depression in the person victimized by this behavior,” says Le Goy. Science supports this, and studies show that gaslighting can even lead to psychosis.

The good news about gaslighting is that you don’t have to accept it. It may take you some time to realize that it’s happening, but once you are aware, you can distance yourself from your gaslighter as needed after standing up for yourself.

Taking Care of Yourself

Because it’s a form of abuse, gaslighting is very serious. If you are in a friendship, family, or relationship with someone who gaslights you, there are bound to be negative impacts on your wellbeing. You’ll need to actively take steps to maintain your own wellness and sense of self.

Throughout the gaslighting, you may have distanced yourself from those you are close to, and that isn’t your fault. “Often when someone is gaslighting or manipulating you, they may try to isolate you from people who really care about and want to help you,” says Le Goy. “This also allows them to avoid being accountable for their behavior,” she explains.

In addition to performing acts of relaxation and self-care, you will want to find the support of others. “Surrounding yourself with truly supportive and uplifting people is really helpful,” says Le Goy. “When you are with people who are honest and loving, it holds up a light to the abusive behavior of a gaslighter and helps to remind us what good relationships feel like.”

If the support of your loved ones isn’t enough to get you through this, therapy may help you significantly.

You also may need to let go of the idea that you can’t move on without closure. Unfortunately that just may not happen here, because a person who gaslights others won’t necessarily ever offer it.

“It is important that you do not become married to this idea—someone who gaslights other people is unlikely to take responsibility for their bad behavior. Learn to be ok with not receiving an apology or acknowledgment of their gaslighting,” suggests Le Goy.

Keep in Mind

Gaslighting is the act of one person manipulating another so that they doubt their own reality. It’s a form of abuse, and it should never be tolerated. You can respond to gaslighting by affirming your own understanding of reality and the truth of a situation.

In doing that, you’ll need to be firm and assertive, and even if it helps you walk away from the situation, you might not get the closure you naturally seek. People who gaslight are manipulative and you do not need to accept their behavior.

In order to become healthy again after being gaslighted, you’ll want to prioritize your mental health and wellbeing. Affirm your reality and your understanding of it, and find support from those you love. Therapy is an excellent choice to help you get through this difficult time. No one deserves to be gaslighted, but with the tools you know have, you are one step closer on your journey away from it.

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By Ariane Resnick, CNC

Ariane Resnick, CNC is a mental health writer, certified nutritionist, and wellness author who advocates for accessibility and inclusivity.


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Psychological Disorders: Types and Examples

Key Takeaways

  • Psychological disorders are patterns of symptoms that affect multiple areas of life and cause distress.
  • The DSM-5 lists hundreds of different psychological disorders, explaining their symptoms but not providing treatment guidelines. 

The term psychological disorders is sometimes used to refer to what are more frequently known as mental disorders or psychiatric disorders.

Mental disorders are patterns of behavioral or psychological symptoms that impact multiple areas of life. These disorders create distress for the person experiencing the symptoms.

The DSM-5-TR lists hundreds of distinct conditions. Anxiety and depression are among the most common types of mental health conditions that people experience. While the DSM provides diagnostic information about such conditions, including the age at which they typically appear, it does not provide guidelines for treatment or predictions related to the course of illness.

While not a comprehensive list of every mental disorder, the following list includes some of the major categories of disorders described in the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) and the fifth edition, text revision (DSM-5-TR). The DSM is one of the most widely used systems for classifying mental disorders and provides standardized diagnostic criteria.

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Neurodevelopmental Disorders

Neurodevelopmental disorders are those that are typically diagnosed during infancy, childhood, or adolescence. These psychological disorders include:

Intellectual Development Disorder  

Sometimes called intellectual disability, this type of developmental disorder originates prior to the age of 18 and is characterized by limitations in both intellectual functioning and adaptive behaviors.

Limitations to intellectual functioning are often identified through the use of IQ tests, with an IQ score under 70 often indicating the presence of a limitation. Adaptive behaviors are those that involve practical, everyday skills such as self-care, social interaction, and living skills. 

Global Developmental Delay 

This diagnosis is for developmental disabilities in children who are under the age of five. Such delays relate to cognition, social functioning, speech, language, and motor skills.

It is generally seen as a temporary diagnosis applying to kids who are still too young to take standardized IQ tests. Once children reach the age where they are able to take a standardized intelligence test, they may be diagnosed with an intellectual development disorder.

Communication Disorders 

These disorders are those that impact the ability to use, understand, or detect language and speech. The DSM-5 identifies four different subtypes of communication disorders: language disorder, speech sound disorder, childhood-onset fluency disorder (stuttering), and social (pragmatic) communication disorder.

Autism Spectrum Disorder 

Autism is characterized by persistent deficits in social interaction and communication in multiple life areas as well as restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviors.

The DSM specifies that symptoms of autism spectrum disorder must be present during the early developmental period and that these symptoms must cause significant impairment in important areas of life including social and occupational functioning.

Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

ADHD is characterized by a persistent pattern of hyperactivity and impulsivity and/or inattention that interferes with functioning and presents itself in two or more settings such as at home, work, school, and social situations.

The DSM-5 specifies that several of the symptoms must have been present prior to the age of 12 and that these symptoms must have a negative impact on social, occupational, or academic functioning.

Bipolar and Related Disorders

Bipolar disorder is characterized by shifts in mood as well as changes in activity and energy levels. The disorder often involves experiencing shifts between elevated moods and periods of depression. Such elevated moods can be pronounced and are referred to either as mania or hypomania.

Mania

Mania is characterized by a distinct period of elevated, expansive, or irritable mood accompanied by increased activity and energy. Periods of mania are sometimes marked by feelings of distraction, irritability, and excessive confidence.

People experiencing mania are more prone to engage in activities that might have negative long-term consequences, such as gambling and shopping sprees

When mania progresses, there is also the possibility of psychotic symptoms such as grandiose delusions and hallucinations. While mania occurs with bipolar I disorder, hypomania is a marker of bipolar II.

Hypomanic episodes are characterized by elevated, expansive, or irritable moods like manic episodes. However, hypomania is less severe and generally shorter in duration than mania.

Depressive Episodes

These episodes are characterized by feelings of a depressed or sad mood along with a lack of interest in activities. They may also involve feelings of guilt, fatigue, and irritability. During a depressive period, people with bipolar disorder may lose interest in activities that they previously enjoyed, experience sleeping difficulties, and even have thoughts of suicide.

Both manic and depressive episodes can be frightening for both the person experiencing these symptoms as well as family, friends, and other loved ones who observe these behaviors and mood shifts. Fortunately, appropriate and effective treatments, which often include both medications and psychotherapy, can help people with bipolar disorder successfully manage their symptoms.

Anxiety Disorders

Anxiety disorders are characterized by excessive and persistent fear, worry, anxiety and related behavioral disturbances. Fear involves an emotional response to a threat, whether that threat is real or perceived. Anxiety involves the anticipation that a future threat may arise. Types of anxiety disorders include:

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

This disorder is marked by excessive worry about everyday events. While some stress and worry are a common part of life, GAD involves worry that is so excessive that it interferes with a person’s well-being and functioning. 

Social Anxiety Disorder 

Social anxiety disorder is a fairly common psychological disorder that involves an irrational fear of being watched, judged, humiliated, and/or embarrassed. The anxiety caused by this disorder can have a major impact on an individual’s life and make it difficult to function at school, work, and other social settings.

Specific Phobias 

These phobias involve an extreme fear of a specific object or situation in the environment. Some examples of common specific phobias include fear of spiders, fear of heights, or fear of snakes. 

The four main types of specific phobias involve natural events (thunder, lightning, tornadoes), medical (medical procedures, dental procedures, medical equipment), animals (dogs, snakes, bugs), and situational (small spaces, leaving home, driving).

When confronted by the feared object or situation, people with phobias may experience nausea, trembling, rapid heart rate, and even a fear of dying.

Panic Disorder 

This psychiatric disorder is characterized by panic attacks that may seem to strike out of the blue and for no reason at all. Because of this, people with panic disorder often experience anxiety and preoccupation over the possibility of having another panic attack.

People may begin to avoid situations and settings where attacks have occurred in the past or where they might occur in the future. This can create significant impairments in many areas of everyday life and make it difficult to carry out everyday routines.

Separation Anxiety Disorder 

This condition is a type of anxiety disorder involving an excessive amount of fear or anxiety related to being separated from attachment figures. People are often familiar with the idea of separation anxiety as it relates to young children’s fear of being apart from their parents, but older children and adults can experience it as well.

The person experiencing these symptoms may avoid moving away from home, going to school, or getting married in order to remain in close proximity to the attachment figure.

Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders

Trauma- and stressor-related disorders involve exposure to a stressful or traumatic event. These were previously grouped with anxiety disorders but are now considered a distinct category of disorders. Disorders included in this category include:

Acute Stress Disorder

Acute stress disorder is characterized by the emergence of severe anxiety for up to one month after exposure to a traumatic event. Some examples of traumatic events include natural disasters, war, accidents, and witnessing a death.

As a result, the individual may experience dissociative symptoms such as a sense of altered reality, an inability to remember important aspects of the event, and vivid flashbacks as if the event were reoccurring. Other symptoms can include reduced emotional responsiveness, distressing memories of the trauma, and difficulty experiencing positive emotions.

Adjustment Disorders

Adjustment disorders can occur as a response to a sudden change such as divorce, job loss, end of a close relationship, a move, or some other loss or disappointment. This type of psychological disorder can affect both children and adults and is characterized by symptoms such as anxiety, irritability, depressed mood, worry, anger, hopelessness, and feelings of isolation.  

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

PTSD can develop after an individual has experienced exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence. Symptoms of PTSD include episodes of reliving or re-experiencing the event, avoiding things that remind the individual about the event, feeling on edge, and having negative thoughts.

Reactive Attachment Disorder

Reactive attachment disorder can result when children do not form healthy relationships and attachments with adult caregivers during the first few years of childhood. Symptoms of the disorder include being withdrawn from adult caregivers and social and emotional disturbances that result from patterns of insufficient care and neglect.

Dissociative Disorders

Dissociative disorders are psychological disorders that involve a dissociation or interruption in aspects of consciousness, including identity and memory. Dissociative disorders include:

Dissociative Amnesia

This disorder involves a temporary loss of memory as a result of dissociation. In many cases, this memory loss, which may last for just a brief period or for many years, is a result of some type of psychological trauma.

Dissociative amnesia is much more than simple forgetfulness. Those who experience this disorder may remember some details about events but may have no recall of other details around a circumscribed period of time.

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Formerly known as multiple personality disorder, dissociative identity disorder involves the presence of two or more different identities or personalities in one person. Each of these personalities has its own way of perceiving and interacting with the environment.

People with this disorder experience changes in behavior, memory, perception, emotional response, and consciousness.

Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder

Depersonalization/derealization disorder is characterized by experiencing a sense of being outside of one’s own body (depersonalization) and being disconnected from reality (derealization). People who have this disorder often feel a sense of unreality and an involuntary disconnect from their own memories, feelings, and consciousness.

Somatic Symptom Disorders

Formerly referred to as somatoform disorders, this category is now known as somatic symptom disorders. Somatic symptom disorders are a class of psychological disorders that involve prominent physical symptoms that may not have a diagnosable physical cause.

In contrast to previous ways of conceptualizing these disorders based on the absence of a medical explanation for the physical symptoms, the current diagnosis emphasizes the unusual thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur in response to these symptoms. Disorders included in this category are:

Somatic Symptom Disorder

Somatic symptom disorder involves a preoccupation with physical symptoms that make it difficult to function. This preoccupation with symptoms results in emotional distress and difficulty coping with daily life.

It is important to note that somatic symptoms do not indicate that individuals are faking their physical pain, fatigue, or other symptoms. In this situation, it is not so much the actual physical symptoms that are disrupting the individual’s life as it is the extreme reaction and resulting behaviors.

Illness Anxiety Disorder

Illness anxiety disorder is characterized by excessive concern about having an undiagnosed medical condition. Those who experience this psychological disorder worry excessively about body functions and sensations are convinced that they have or will get a serious disease, and are not reassured, even when medical tests don’t detect any illnesses.

The preoccupation with illness causes significant anxiety and distress. It also leads to changes in behavior such as seeking medical testing/treatments and avoiding situations that might pose a health risk.

Conversion Disorder

Conversion disorder involves experiencing motor or sensory symptoms that lack a compatible neurological or medical explanation. In many cases, a person develops the disorder after experiencing a real physical injury or stressful event, which then results in a psychological and emotional response. 

Factitious Disorder

Factitious disorder used to have its own category, but it is now included under the somatic symptom and related disorders category of the DSM-5. A factitious disorder is when an individual intentionally creates, fakes, or exaggerates symptoms of illness. Munchausen syndrome, in which people feign an illness to attract attention, is one severe form of factitious disorder.

Feeding and Eating Disorders

Eating disorders are characterized by obsessive concerns with weight and disruptive eating patterns that negatively impact physical and mental health. Types of eating disorders include:

Anorexia Nervosa

Anorexia nervosa is characterized by restricted food consumption that can lead to weight loss. Some people with anorexia are underweight, while others may be of average or above-average weight. Those who experience this disorder also have a preoccupation and fear of gaining weight as well as a distorted view of their own appearance and behavior.

Bulimia Nervosa

Bulimia nervosa involves binge eating and then taking extreme steps to compensate for these binges. These compensatory behaviors might include self-induced vomiting, the abuse of laxatives or diuretics, or excessive exercise

Rumination Disorder

Rumination disorder is marked by regurgitating previously chewed or swallowed food in order to either spit it out or re-swallow it. Rumination disorder can occur in infants, children, teens, and adults. It’s also more common in people who have anxiety, depression, or another psychiatric disorder.

Additional problems that can result from this behavior include dental decay, esophageal ulcers, and malnutrition.

Pica

Pica involves craving and consuming non-food substances such as dirt, paint, or soap. Pica is more common among young children than adults, but it is also known to occur during pregnancy. A lack of nutrients may also trigger non-food cravings in some instances.

Binge Eating Disorder

Binge eating disorder involves episodes of binge eating where the individual consumes an unusually large amount of food during a short time period, such as a couple of hours.

People with binge-eating disorder often feel they have no control over their eating. Binge eating episodes are sometimes triggered by certain emotions such as feeling happy, anxious, or bored, or following stressful events.

Sleep-Wake Disorders

Sleep disorders involve an interruption in sleep patterns that leads to distress and affects daytime functioning. Examples of sleep disorders include:

Narcolepsy

Narcolepsy is a condition in which people experience an irrepressible need to sleep. People with narcolepsy may experience a sudden loss of muscle tone, also known as cataplexy.

They are also prone to hypnagogic hallucinations, which happen as someone falls asleep, and hypnopompic hallucinations, which happen as someone wakes up.

Insomnia Disorder

Insomnia disorder involves being unable to get enough sleep to feel rested. While all people experience sleeping difficulties and interruptions at some point, insomnia is considered a disorder when it is accompanied by significant distress or impairment over time.

Hypersomnolence

Hypersomnolence disorder is characterized by excessive sleepiness despite an adequate main sleep period. People with this condition may fall asleep during the day at inappropriate times such as at work and school.

Breathing-Related Sleep Disorders

Breathing-related sleep disorders are those that involve breathing anomalies—such as sleep apnea—that can occur during sleep. These breathing problems can result in brief interruptions in sleep that can lead to other problems including insomnia and daytime sleepiness. 

Parasomnias

Parasomnia is a term that describes sleep disorders that feature unusual behaviors. Such disorders include sleepwalking, sleep terrors, sleep talking, and sleep eating.

Restless Legs Syndrome

Restless legs syndrome is a neurological condition that involves having uncomfortable sensations in the legs and an irresistible urge to move the legs in order to relieve the sensations. People with this condition may feel tugging, creeping, burning, and crawling sensations in their legs resulting in an excessive movement which then interferes with sleep.

Disruptive, Impulse Control and Conduct Disorders

Disruptive, impulse control and conduct disorders are those that involve an inability to control emotions and behaviors, resulting in harm to oneself or others.

These challenges with emotional and behavioral regulation are characterized by actions that violate the rights of others such as destroying property or physical aggression and/or those that conflict with societal norms, authority figures, and laws. These disorders include:

Kleptomania

Kleptomania involves an inability to control the impulse to steal. People who have kleptomania will often steal things that they do not really need or that have no real monetary value. Those with this condition experience escalating tension prior to committing a theft and feel relief and gratification afterwards.

Pyromania

Pyromania involves a fascination with fire that results in acts of fire-starting that endanger the self and others. People who struggle with pyromania purposefully and deliberately have set fires more than one time. They also experience tension and emotional arousal before setting a fire.

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Intermittent explosive disorder is characterized by brief outbursts of anger and violence that are out of proportion to the situation. People with this disorder may erupt into angry outbursts or violent actions in response to everyday annoyances or disappointments.

Conduct Disorder

Conduct disorder is a condition diagnosed in children and adolescents under the age of 18 who regularly violate social norms and the rights of others. Children with this disorder display aggression toward people and animals, destroy property, steal and deceive, and violate other rules and laws. These behaviors result in significant problems in a child’s academic or social functioning.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Oppositional defiant disorder begins prior to the age of 18 and is characterized by defiance, irritability, anger, aggression, and vindictiveness.

While all kids behave defiantly sometimes, kids with oppositional defiant disorder refuse to comply with adult requests almost all the time and engage in behaviors to deliberately annoy others.

Depressive Disorders

The category of depressive disorders includes a number of conditions. They are all characterized by the presence of sad, empty, or irritable moods accompanied by physical and cognitive symptoms. They differ in terms of duration, timing, and causes. Some include:

  • Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder: A childhood condition characterized by extreme anger and irritability. Children display frequent and intense outbursts of temper.
  • Major depressive disorder: A condition characterized by loss of interest in activities and depressed mood which leads to significant impairments in how a person is able to function.
  • Persistent depressive disorder: This is a type of ongoing, chronic depression that is characterized by other symptoms of depression. While the symptoms are often less severe, they are longer lasting. Diagnosis requires experiencing a depressed mood on most days for a period of at least two years.
  • Other specified depressive disorder: This diagnosis is for cases when symptoms do not meet the criteria for the diagnosis of another depressive disorder, but they still create problems with an individual’s life and functioning.
  • Premenstrual dysphoric disorder: This condition is a form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS) characterized by significant depression, irritability, and anxiety that begins a week or two before menstruation begins. Symptoms usually go away within a few days following bleeding.
  • Substance/medication-induced depressive disorder: This condition occurs when an individual experiences symptoms of a depressive disorder either while using alcohol or other substances or while going through withdrawal from a substance.
  • Depressive disorder due to another medical condition: This condition is diagnosed when a person’s medical history suggests that their depressive symptoms may be the result of a medical condition. Medical conditions that may contribute to or cause depression include diabetes, stroke, Parkinson’s disease, autoimmune conditions, chronic pain conditions, cancer, infections and HIV/AIDS.

Depressive disorders are all characterized by feelings of sadness and low mood that are persistent and severe enough to affect how a person functions.

The diagnostic criteria vary for each specific condition. For major depressive disorder, diagnosis requires an individual to experience five or more of the following symptoms over the same two-week period.

One of these symptoms must include either depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure in previously enjoyed activities. Other symptoms can include:

  • Significant weight loss or gain
  • Decreased or increased appetite
  • Sleep disturbances (insomnia or hypersomnia)
  • Feelings of slowed physical activity or restlessness
  • Lack of energy or fatigue that lasts most or all of the day
  • Feelings of guilt or worthlessness
  • Difficulty thinking or concentrating
  • Preoccupation with death or thoughts of suicide

Treatments for depressive disorders often involve a combination of psychotherapy and medications.

Substance Use and Addictive Disorders

Substance-related disorders are those that involve the misuse of different substances such as cocaine, methamphetamine, opiates, and alcohol.

These disorders may include substance-induced conditions that can result in many associated diagnoses including intoxication, withdrawal, or the emergence of psychosis, anxiety, and delirium. Examples of substance-related disorders include:

  • Alcohol-related disorders: These involve the consumption of alcohol, one of the most widely used drugs in the United States.
  • Cannabis-related disorders: These disorders include symptoms such as using more marijuana than originally intended, feeling unable to stop it, and continuing to use it despite adverse effects in one’s life.
  • Inhalant-use disorders: These involve inhaling fumes from things such as paints or solvents. As with other substance-related disorders, people with this condition experience cravings for the substance and find it difficult to control or stop engaging in the behavior.
  • Stimulant use disorder: This involves the use of stimulants such as meth, amphetamines, and cocaine.
  • Tobacco use disorder: This is characterized by symptoms such as consuming more tobacco than intended, difficulty cutting back or quitting, cravings, and experiencing adverse social consequences as a result of tobacco use.

Gambling Disorder

The DSM-5 also includes gambling disorder under this classification. The American Psychiatric Association explains that this change “reflects the increasing and consistent evidence that some behaviors, such as gambling, activate the brain reward system with effects similar to those of drugs of abuse and that gambling disorder symptoms resemble substance use disorders to a certain extent.”

Neurocognitive Disorders

Neurocognitive disorders are characterized by acquired deficits in cognitive function. These disorders do not include those in which impaired cognition was present at birth or early in life. Types of cognitive disorders include:

Delirium

Delirium is also known as acute confusional state. This disorder develops over a short period of time—usually a few hours or a few days—and is characterized by disturbances in attention and awareness.

Other Neurocognitive Disorders

Major and mild neurocognitive disorders have the primary feature of acquired cognitive decline in one or more areas including memory, attention, language, learning, and perception.

These cognitive disorders can be due to medical conditions including Alzheimer’s disease, HIV infection, Parkinson’s disease, substance/medication use, vascular disease, and others.

Schizophrenia Spectrum and Other Psychotic Disorders

Schizophrenia is a chronic psychiatric condition that affects a person’s thinking, feeling, and behavior. It is a complex, long-term condition that affects less than 1% of people in the United States. 

The DSM-5 diagnostic criteria specify that two or more symptoms of schizophrenia must be present for a period of at least one month. 

One symptom must be one of the following: 

  • Delusions: Beliefs that conflict with reality
  • Hallucinations: Seeing or hearing things that aren’t really there
  • Disorganized speech: Words that do not follow the rules of language and may be difficult or impossible to understand

The second symptom may be one of the following: 

  • Grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior: Confused thinking or bizarre behavior or movements
  • Negative symptoms: The inability to initiate plans, speak, express emotions, or feel pleasure

Diagnosis also requires significant impairments in social or occupational functioning for a period of at least six months. The onset of schizophrenia is usually in the late teens or early 20s, with men usually showing symptoms earlier than women. Earlier signs of the condition that may occur before diagnosis include poor motivation, difficult relationships, and poor school performance.

The National Institute of Mental Health suggests that multiple factors may play a role in the development of schizophrenia including genetics, brain chemistry, environmental factors, and substance use.

While there is no cure for schizophrenia, there are treatments available that make it possible to manage the symptoms of the condition. Treatments usually incorporate antipsychotic medications, psychotherapy, self-management, education, and social support.

Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders

Obsessive-compulsive and related disorders is a category of psychiatric conditions that include:

Each condition in this classification has its own set of diagnostic criteria.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

The diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5 specify that in order to be diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder, a person must experience obsessions, compulsions, or both.

  • Obsessions: Defined as recurrent, persistent thoughts, impulses, and urges that lead to distress or anxiety
  • Compulsions: Repetitive and excessive behaviors that the individual feels that they must perform to reduce anxiety or to prevent some dreaded outcome from occurring

The obsessions and compulsions must also be time-consuming, taking up an hour or more per day, or cause significant distress or functional impairment. They must not be attributable to another medical condition or substance use and must not be better explained by another psychiatric condition such as generalized anxiety disorder. 

Treatments for OCD usually focus on a combination of therapy and medications. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or a form of CBT known as exposure and response prevention (ERP) are commonly used. Antidepressants such as Anafranil (clomipramine) or Prozac (fluoxetine) may also be prescribed to manage symptoms.

Personality Disorders

Personality disorders are characterized by an enduring pattern of maladaptive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that can cause serious detriments to relationships and other life areas. Types of personality disorders include:

Antisocial Personality Disorder

Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a long-standing disregard for rules, social norms, and the rights of others. People with this disorder typically begin displaying symptoms during childhood, have difficulty feeling empathy for others, and lack remorse for their destructive behaviors.

Avoidant Personality Disorder

Avoidant personality disorder involves severe social inhibition and sensitivity to rejection. Such feelings of insecurity lead to significant problems with the individual’s daily life and functioning.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder is associated with symptoms including emotional instability, unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, unstable self-image, and impulsive behaviors.

Dependent Personality Disorder

Dependent personality disorder involves a chronic pattern of fearing separation and an excessive need to be taken care of. People with this disorder will often engage in behaviors that are designed to produce care-giving actions in others.

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Histrionic personality disorder is associated with patterns of extreme emotionality and attention-seeking behaviors. People with this condition feel uncomfortable in settings where they are not the center of attention, have rapidly changing emotions, and may engage in socially inappropriate behaviors designed to attract attention from others.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic personality disorder is associated with a lasting pattern of exaggerated self-image, self-centeredness, and low empathy. People with this condition tend to be more interested in themselves than in others.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, inflexibility, and mental and interpersonal control. This is a different condition than obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

Paranoid Personality Disorder

Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others, even family, friends, and romantic partners. People with this disorder perceive others’ intentions as malevolent, even without any evidence or justification.

Schizoid Personality Disorder

Schizoid personality disorder involves symptoms that include being detached from social relationships. People with this disorder are directed toward their inner lives and are often indifferent to relationships. They generally display a lack of emotional expression and can appear cold and aloof.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder

Schizotypal personality disorder features eccentricities in speech, behaviors, appearance, and thought. People with this condition may experience odd beliefs or magical thinking as well as difficulty forming relationships.


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What You Need to Know About Cultural Appropriation


Key Takeaways

  • Cultural appropriation is when elements of a minority culture are used by a dominant group in a harmful way.
  • You can tell if something is cultural appropriation by asking if it disrespects the original culture.
  • To avoid cultural appropriation, give credit to and learn from the culture you are borrowing from. 

Cultural appropriation refers to the use of objects or elements of a non-dominant culture in a way that reinforces stereotypes or contributes to oppression and doesn’t respect their original meaning or give credit to their source. It also includes the unauthorized use of parts of their culture (their dress, dance, etc.) without permission.

In this way, cultural appropriation is a layered and nuanced phenomenon that many people may have trouble understanding and may not realize when they are doing it themselves.

It can be natural to merge and blend cultures as people from different backgrounds come together and interact. In fact, many wonderful inventions and creations have been born from the merging of such cultures (such as country music).

However, the line is drawn when a dominant cultural group makes use of elements of a non-dominant group in a way that the non-dominant group views as exploitative.

Elements of Cultural Appropriation

Taking a step backward, how do we define cultural appropriation? It helps to consider what is meant by each of the terms in the phrase, as well as some related terms that are important to understand.

Culture

Culture refers to anything associated with a group of people based on their ethnicity, religion, geography, or social environment. This might include beliefs, traditions, language, objects, ideas, behaviors, customs, values, or institutions. It’s not uncommon for culture to be thought of as belonging to particular ethnic groups.

Appropriation

Appropriation refers to taking something that doesn’t belong to you or your culture. In the case of cultural appropriation, it is an exchange that happens when a dominant group takes or “borrows” something from a minority group that has historically been exploited or oppressed.

In this sense, appropriation involves a lack of understanding of or appreciation for the historical context that influences what is being taken. Taking a sacred object from a historically marginalized culture and producing it as part of a Halloween costume is one example.

Cultural Denigration

Cultural denigration is when someone adopts an element of a culture with the sole purpose of humiliating or putting down people of that culture. The most obvious example of this is blackface, which originated as a way to denigrate and dehumanize Black people by perpetuating negative stereotypes.

Cultural Appreciation & Respect

Cultural appreciation, on the other hand, is the respectful borrowing of elements from another culture with an interest in sharing ideas and diversifying oneself. Examples would include learning martial arts from an instructor with an understanding of the practice from a cultural perspective or eating Indian food at an authentic Indian restaurant.

When done correctly, cultural appreciation can result in deeper understanding and respect across cultures as well as creative hybrids that blend cultures together.

Appreciation

  • Celebrates cultures in a respectful way

  • Asks permission, provides credit, and offers compensation

  • Elevates the voices and experiences of members of a cultural group

  • Focuses on learning the stories and meanings behind cultural elements

Types of Cultural Appropropriation

There are four main types of cultural appropriation:

  • Exchange: This form is defined as a reciprocal exchange between two cultures that are approximately equal in terms of power and dominance.
  • Dominance: This type involves a dominant culture taking elements of a subordinate culture that has had a dominant culture forced upon it.
  • Exploitation: This type is defined as taking cultural elements of a subordinate culture without compensation, permission, or reciprocity.
  • Transculturation: This form involves taking and combining elements of multiple cultures, making it difficult to identify and credit the original source.

Context of Cultural Appropriation

Learning about the context of cultural appropriation is important for understanding why it is a problem. While some might not think twice about adopting a style from another culture, for example, the group with which the style originated may have historical experiences that make the person’s actions insensitive to the group’s past and current experience.

For example, consider a White American wearing their hair in cornrows. While Black Americans have historically experienced discrimination because of protective hairstyles like cornrows, White Americans, as part of the dominant group in the U.S., can often “get away” with appropriating that same hairstyle and making it “trendy,” all the while not understanding or acknowledging the experiences that contributed to its significance in Black culture in the first place.

Examples of Cultural Appropriation

When considering examples of cultural appropriation, it’s helpful to look at the types of items that can be a target. They include:

  • Artifacts
  • Clothing and fashion
  • Dance
  • Decorations
  • Food
  • Hairstyle
  • Intellectual property
  • Language
  • Makeup
  • Medicine
  • Music
  • Religious symbols
  • Tattoos
  • Wellness practices

In the United States, the groups that are most commonly targeted in terms of cultural appropriation include Black Americans, Asian Americans, Hispanic and Latinx Americans, and Native Americans.

The following are some real-world examples of cultural appropriation to consider.

Rock ‘N’ Roll

In the 1950s, White musicians “invented” rock and roll; however, the musical style was appropriated from Black musicians who never received credit. In fact, music executives at the time chose to promote White performers over Black performers, reinforcing the idea that cultural appropriation involves a negative impact on a non-dominant group.

Sweat Lodge

In 2011, motivational entrepreneur James Arthur Ray was convicted of three counts of negligent homicide after the death of three participants in his pseudo sweat lodge. This is an extreme example of the cultural appropriation and misrepresentation of Native American traditions.

Voguing

Do you remember the “voguing” craze made popular by Madonna back in the 1990s? Voguing as a dance actually had its roots in the gay clubs of New York City and was pioneered by Black members of the LGBTQ+ community. Madonna defends her right to artistic expression, but the question remains—how many people still mistakenly think she invented voguing?

Team Mascots

There is a history of major sports teams in the United States and Canada being involved in the cultural appropriation of Indigenous cultures through their names and mascots. Past and present examples include the Chicago Blackhawks, Cleveland Indians, Washington Redskins, and Edmonton Eskimos. (The Redskins and Eskimos have since undergone name changes.)

“Redskin” is a derogatory term for Indigenous people, and the term “eskimo” has been rejected by the Inuit community.

How to Know If Something Is Cultural Appropriation

If you are unsure how to decide if something is cultural appropriation, here are some questions to ask yourself:

  • What is your goal with what you are doing?
  • Are you following a trend or exploring the history of a culture?
  • Are you deliberately trying to insult someone’s culture or are you being respectful?
  • Are you purchasing something (e.g., artwork) that is a reproduction of a culture or an original?
  • How would people from the culture you are borrowing from feel about what you are doing?
  • Are there any stereotypes involved in what you are doing?
  • Are you using a sacred item (e.g., headdress) in a flippant or fun way?
  • Are you borrowing something from an ancient culture and pretending that it is new?
  • Are you crediting the source or inspiration of what you are doing?
  • If a person of the original culture were to do what you are doing, would they be viewed as “cool” or could they possibly face discrimination?
  • Are you wearing a costume (e.g., Geisha girl, tribal wear) that represents a culture?
  • Are you ignoring the cultural significance of something in favor of following a trend?

Explore these questions and always aim to show sensitivity when adopting elements from another culture. If you do realize that something you have done is wrong, accept it as a mistake and then work to change it and apologize for it.

If you aren’t sure if something is considered cultural appropriation, you need to look no further than the reaction of the group from whom the cultural element was taken.

How to Avoid Cultural Appropriation

You can avoid cultural appropriation by taking a few steps, such as these:

  • Ask yourself the list of questions above to begin to explore the underlying motivation for what you are doing.
  • Give credit or recognize the origin of items that you borrow or promote from other cultures rather than claiming them as your original ideas.
  • Take the time to learn about and truly appreciate a culture before you borrow or adopt elements of it. Learn from those who are members of the culture, visit venues they run (such as restaurants) and attend authentic events (such as going to a real luau).
  • Support small businesses run by members of the culture rather than buying mass-produced items from big box stores that are made to represent a culture.

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How Fighting in Love Can Improve Your Relationship


Key Takeaways

  • Fighting in a relationship can be healthy if done with respect and kindness.
  • Avoid yelling and name-calling during arguments to keep the discussion productive.
  • Make sure to listen and ask questions to understand your partner’s point of view.

While it might sound counterintuitive, fighting in love can actually be a good thing for your relationship. When you learn how to argue effectively and respectfully, it can be a way for you to learn more about each other, maintain your boundaries, and resolve issues that might affect the long-term health of your relationship.

As much as you’ve listened to your partner’s deepest, darkest secrets and endured their most interesting smells over mornings in bed—the fact remains that you and your significant other remain two different people. This means that you live and experience life differently and may sometimes interpret situations in ways that don’t always agree with the other. 

In certain cases, these differences can lead to squabbles in the relationship. And while it is hardly ever enjoyable to spend possible cuddle time hashing out an argument, these fights may sometimes be a key element in strengthening the bond you and your partner share.

How to Fight In a Relationship

It’s almost a given that a fight will erupt at some point in a relationship—this is bound to happen when you live or spend considerable time with another person. The good news is that getting angry with your partner is perfectly normal and perfectly healthy—that is, when handled correctly. 

When you feel that first temper flare in disagreement with something your partner did or said, breathe and take a step back. Instead, try out the following tips to have a peaceful squabble with your significant other.

Choose Your Words Carefully

Even though emotions are usually high during fights, it’s always important to make measured statements and give your partner calm responses during disputes.

Ultimately, effective communication should be at the core of every spat.

This means abandoning that sharp and painful retort you had planned. It also means opting for kind words and avoiding heavy language like ‘idiot,’ ‘fool,’ or ‘stupid’ when referring to your partner during fights.

The wrong choice of words can quickly worsen a fight and further strain relations with your partner. By speaking carefully during arguments, you allow yourself to be more intentional with getting your message across more clearly. 

Look at Things From Their Point of View

Even though you may be dealing with your hurt and anger following actions your partner made, it’s important to look past yourself and try a different perspective during arguments. Questions you might ask yourself include:

  • Does he have a point?
  • Could I really have been more accommodating of their needs?
  • Should understand when she doesn’t want to speak immediately after a long day at work?

By looking at things from your partner’s point of view, you not only permit yourself a chance to examine things from all angles, but you also consider the emotional needs of a person you love over winning an argument.

Listen With an Open Mind

It’s important to go into any conflict with the mindset of a peaceful, compassionate resolution. If every statement is geared towards hurting your partner’s feelings or proving that you’re right, this can harm the relationship.

Not only will it discourage your partner from talking through difficulties in the relationship, but this behavior may also ultimately drive a wedge between the both of you—an unwanted development if you hope for a future together. 

Instead, listen to your partner speak, and make sure to ask questions to ensure that very little gets lost in translation.

Make Requests Instead of Complaints

Your message may be more clearly communicated if you chose requests rather than complaints with your partner.

Instead of saying, “Why don’t you ever clean up after yourself,” try something like, “The bedroom is starting to get messy—would you mind clearing up your things?”

Speaking directly to, rather than down at, your partner can help avoid tensions and maintain respect through interactions within the relationship.

Give Each Other Enough Time to Speak

To get all your worries across, you and your partner must give room to air all grievances. When speaking, avoid making interruptions, except when clarification is needed—this should be done politely and in a non-aggressive tone.

In some cases, settling an argument may not be possible within a day, especially when tempers and emotions repeatedly flare up. You might need to carve out a clear and agreed-to time to continue your discussions healthily in such situations.

Wrong Ways to Fight in a Relationship

While fighting with your partner can benefit your relationship, it is mostly done within respectful parameters that avoid putting anyone down.

When partners fight wrongly in a relationship, it can have far-reaching effects. Studies have shown that conflicts within marriages can lead to anxiety, depression, and even eating disorders.

Even worse, in marriages with children, this practice can affect how parents perform with their children and worsen relationships between siblings.

What to Avoid

Here are fighting methods to avoid in your relationship:

  • Making threats
  • Calling each other names
  • Making comparisons with other couples
  • Involving your children in your disputes
  • Giving each other extended periods of the silent treatment

Likewise, when fights devolve into physical violence, this is a sign of a very unhealthy relationship. It is always best to leave an abusive partner to maintain your well-being and prevent worse or more brutal treatment.

Should you or your partner frequently partake in fights that include the non-violent components mentioned previously, it may help to speak honestly about change. For trusted results, a counselor may be employed to head discussions.

Benefits of Fighting in a Relationship

When done correctly, fighting can be a learning experience for partners to help improve the relationship. Here’s how.

Fighting Is a Sign That You Both Care About Your Relationship

Fighting is an easy way to determine if your partner is still in it for the long haul with you. A problem-free way to go about life is to roll with the punches and avoid drama.

Partners who are willing to go through the uncomfortable strain of disagreements—especially those using kind and clear communication—are still invested in the success of their relationship.

It Strengthens Your Relationship

When partners fight within an environment that allows clear expression, free of cruel words—this can help strengthen their bond.

With both partners actively participating to resolve the disagreement, there’s comfort in knowing that conflicts can be maturely and warmly handled without risking the relationship’s future. 

With this, partners can freely bring up disappointments and unhappiness without leaving room for time and resentment. Ultimately, this can help to strengthen the relationship and improve its odds of lasting.

You Learn More About Your Partner

Somewhere in the process of listing out your grievances and offering your partner clarifications in uncertain areas—the both of you learn new things about each other.

It may be communication methods, such as their voice going lower when they are particularly hurt. It could be knowing that certain practices, like cuddling before bed, are non-negotiable for their happiness. Other times, it may simply be learning about their hopes and fears for the relationship.

What This Means For You

Fighting might seem like the very last thing you want to do with the person you love, but choosing to iron out disagreements with your partner warmly could be the very thing that strengthens your relationship in the long run.

Maintaining an environment that allows for open communication, freedom from abuse, and otherwise healthy discourse can permit fighting without any fears for lasting damage to the relationship.


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The Benefits of Stress Journaling

Key Takeaways

  • Journaling can help you feel better by reducing stress and improving your mood.
  • You can write in different ways—like free writing, gratitude journaling, or making lists—to reduce stress.

Journaling generally involves the practice of keeping a diary or journal that explores thoughts and feelings surrounding the events of your life. There are several different ways to do this. Journaling, as a stress management and self-exploration tool, works best when done consistently, but even occasional, sporadic journaling can be stress relieving when the practice is focused on gratitude or emotional processing.

Overview

One of the most effective ways to reduce stress with journaling is to write in detail about feelings and thoughts related to stressful events, as one would discuss topics in therapy, and brainstorm solutions, but there are several different ways to practice journaling. 

The journaling method you choose can depend on your needs at the time, and your personality; just do what feels right.

Emotional and Physical Benefits of Journaling

Expressing your thoughts and feelings can help with your emotional and physical health.

Emotional Benefits

Similar to talking to your best friend after a bad day, writing can be a way of venting and getting things off your mind. You can pour your heart out, you can express your frustrations, you can even rage write. It can be a very cathartic and healing experience.

Journaling can help you clarify your thoughts and feelings because it is no longer all jumbled up in your mind. As a result, you may gain valuable self-knowledge and insight. It’s also a good problem-solving tool; oftentimes, one can hash out a problem and come up with solutions more easily on paper. This process helps us learn to manage our emotions in a healthy way.

Journaling can provide relief to feelings of depression by helping us to recognize and stop negative thought patterns and rumination (replaying negative events over and over in your mind and allowing your feelings to fester). When you are writing, you can intentionally reframe a distressing thought with a new perspective that helps reduce anxious feelings.

Writing about traumatic events helps one process them by fully exploring and releasing the emotions involved instead of waiting for them to pop up as intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and nightmares.

You can also practice acceptance of the negative emotions that come up in your writing. Allowing yourself to have a wide range of feelings without judging them or trying to change them can actually reduce the power they have over you.

Journaling can also help you to focus on areas of your life that you like to focus on more often, as is the case with gratitude journaling.

Physical Benefits

As stress activates the “fight or flight response” of the sympathetic nervous system, journaling will activate the “rest and digest” response of the parasympathetic nervous system. It promotes a calm physiological state and regulates your breathing, blood pressure, and heart rate, which helps you to think more clearly as well.

As for the health benefits of journaling, they’ve been scientifically proven over the past few decades. Research shows the following:

  • Reduces the number of sick days
  • Decreases experience of pain
  • Decreases the symptoms of inflammatory conditions like asthma and rheumatoid arthritis
  • Strengthens immune system response
  • Improves ability to cope with illness

Drawbacks

Those with learning disabilities may find it difficult to deal with the act of writing itself. Perfectionists may be so concerned with the readability of their work, their penmanship, or other periphery factors that they can’t focus on the thoughts and emotions they’re trying to access. Others may get tired hands.

Some people are reluctant to relive negative experiences, and journaling only about your negative feelings without incorporating thoughts or plans may actually cause more stress. A simple way to counteract this is to be sure you end your journaling sessions with a few words about potential solutions to your problems, things you appreciate in your life, or things that give you hope in life.

Compared to Other Stress Management Practices

Unlike more physical stress management techniques, such as taking a walk, gardening, or some other form of exercise, journaling is a viable option for those who cannot engage in physical activity due to a disability or illness.

And, although some prefer to type with the use of a computer, or talk text into their smartphone, journaling typically only requires a pen and paper. This makes it less expensive than techniques that require special equipment or the aid of a class, book, teacher, or therapist.

Releasing some of those pent-up feelings may even relieve some tension from your body like a good massage, progressive muscle relaxation, guided imagery, and other physical or meditative techniques.

Plus, like a good therapy session, it’s a great practice for overall stress reduction as well as self-knowledge and emotional healing.

Strategies to Try

Journaling is a highly effective tool for stress relief and can take several forms, so there are multiple options that can work for you. If you already have a favorite journaling habit, by all means, keep it up! But you may want to try something new in addition to it. And if you’re new to journaling, here are several practices to try. See what works best for you.

  • Free Writing: If you don’t know where to start, just put the pen to paper and write anything that comes to mind and see where it takes you. This is for your eyes only, so don’t worry about organization, grammar, spelling, or punctuation. You are free to stick to a particular subject or let your writing wander along with your mind. If you feel stuck, find some creative writing prompts that are designed to give you a little inspiration. For example, “What was my biggest challenge today?”
  • Gratitude Journal: Some people keep a daily gratitude journal where they list three or more aspects of each day for which they are grateful. This is a highly effective strategy for relieving stress because it helps you to focus on the resources you have in your life already and create a more positive mood at the moment, both of which have been shown to build long-term resilience. A bonus benefit is that you are left with a record of the many nice things that have happened throughout your days, so if you’re feeling down in the future, you can cheer yourself up with a few pages of reminders for the things you have to appreciate in life.
  • Emotional Release: You may also write about your emotional responses to events that have happened throughout the day as a way of coping with the stress. This can help you to process negative emotions and perhaps explore acceptance or positive reframing options. When writing about positive experiences, this allows you the ability to maximize and savor the positive feelings you may have for the good things that have happened in your day. This is also a great way to expand on the positive and manage the negative things that happen in your life, increasing your positivity ratio, which is an important aspect of stress management.
  • Bullet Journal or Personal Planning Journal: Some people simply keep journals to track what they need to do each day, the goals they have, memories they create, and other things they don’t want to forget. This can literally be a journal full of bullet point lists. Because writing things down can help keep your mind uncluttered and help you to remember what’s important to you, this can relieve stress as well. Being more organized and balanced is a great way to feel less stressed.

And remember, if you find yourself not keeping a regular schedule with journaling, it’s a habit you can resume at any time. You don’t have to journal every day in order for it to work for you—a few times a week is still highly beneficial, and even journaling on an as-needed basis brings benefits.

If you had a journaling habit and stopped because life got in the way, remember—any day is a good day to get back into the habit.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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Additional Reading

Elizabeth Scott, MS

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.


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