Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Marriage can be a blessing, but it can also break your heart—especially if you think you’ve reached the end of the road. There’s no easy path to the decision to divorce, and the journey through uncoupling is different for everyone. If you’re contemplating this difficult decision, you need to determine if your relationship is so troubled that your marriage cannot be saved.

Only you know whether you can or should repair your relationship. But there are signs that can help you decide when it’s time to divorce. And there are also signs that, with relationship counseling and hard work, your marriage can be saved.

Is Your Marriage Worth Saving?

If you and your partner are considering divorce, there are questions you might ask yourself and factors to consider before coming to a decision. Ending a marriage can be incredibly complex and challenging. Admitting you may not love your partner anymore can be difficult.

And even if you still love each other, that may not be enough to save a marriage. This can make divorce that much more difficult. Counseling, either together or separately (or both), can help you with the decision-making process.

Know the Signs

There are some marriage concerns, like abuse, that should be absolute deal-breakers. However, there are many more signs that are not so clear. Each of these issues should still be taken seriously.

Keep in mind that deciding whether or not to separate is a very complex and personal issue. Not all of the following signs alone indicate that your relationship can’t recover.

Divorce is hard, but for many, it’s harder and more painful to live disconnected and disengaged emotionally from your partner. Indeed, the toll negative relationships take on physical and mental health can be huge.

Abuse

An abusive relationship needs to end. Abuse is never acceptable and no one deserves it or should have to live with it. It’s important to seek support if you are dealing with abuse in your marriage. Keep in mind that abuse is not always physical and can come in other forms, including emotional abuse and verbal abuse.

Lack of Affection or Intimacy

While couples may go through periods of more and less physical intimacy throughout their marriage, a sexless marriage could be a sign that there are underlying issues that need to be resolved in order for the relationship to survive.

Bigamy

If your partner led you to believe you two were the only people in your marriage, but then you find out that’s not the case—you’ve been deceived. On top of that, bigamy is illegal.

Criminal Behavior

Finding out your partner has a criminal background can be challenging to get past, especially if the crime is very severe. Not only is there a sense of broken trust, but you may question if you know your partner as well as you thought you did. It’s difficult to forgive lying in a relationship, and this is serious lie designed to cover up a serious issue.

Constant Criticism

Is your partner always putting you down? This could be bad for your health. One 2020 study published in Health Psychology found that negative relationship quality after five years—specifically involving criticism received from a partner—was linked to an older adult’s risk of mortality.

Criticism is also one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which clinical psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman use to predict the end of a marriage. The other three red flags: stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt.

Untreated Addiction

It can be extremely difficult to be in a relationship with someone who won’t seek treatment for—or plainly denies—their addiction. The addiction may also contribute to job loss, therefore impacting finances, or be the root of most arguments between partners.

Shifting Priorities

If you and your partner were formerly in agreement on big lifestyle choices, such as having children and where to live, but now one of you has changed your mind, you may be at an impasse.

Similarly, if your goals and outlooks on life are no longer aligned, you may find that logistically the marriage can’t be sustained. This is something that could be explored with a counselor to see if compromise is possible.

Cheating

Infidelity can be extremely difficult to experience. While cheating often lead to divorce or separation, it doesn’t always mean it will. Some marriages can survive infidelity. Whether yours can may depend on the circumstances of the infidelity and the presence of other complicating factors. Couples’ therapy will be essential to moving beyond infidelity.

Financial Problems

Perhaps your partner brought significant debt into the relationship and wasn’t upfront about it, struggles to hold down a job, or consistently overspends. Or perhaps you’ve had a significant financial setback, like the loss of a business or unexpected healthcare costs. No matter the source, financial worries can create serious conflict in a marriage.

Inability to Compromise

Compromising is essential to a healthy relationship. If your marriage is completely one-sided and your partner struggles to meet you in the middle (or refuses to try), you could be in a toxic relationship.

Lack of Empathy or Remorse

A partner who won’t apologize, take responsibility for their mistakes, or won’t try to understand what you’re feeling can be very frustrating to be with. You may feel like you’re always putting more into the partnership and that your needs are never addressed.

Signs Your Marriage Is Worth Saving

Even in the presence of one of the danger signs (except abuse), you may still be able to repair your relationship. The spark that drew you together may be flickering, but there is still a possibility of rekindling it, especially if you can identify some of these hopeful signs.

You Love Each Other

A strong emotional connection may not be enough to sustain a troubled marriage. But it may be the push you need to seek help and begin reconnecting.

You Share Values

If you and your partner have similar beliefs and philosophies on big-picture topics (such as parenting, religion or ethics, and finances), you may realize that where it matters, you are united. Smaller disagreements may have clouded the picture, but you have a strong foundation from which to rebuild.

You’re Both Ready to Do the Work

When you and your partner are both committed to your relationship, and willing to take the necessary steps to strengthen it, that’s a sign that you can overcome your present difficulties. This means acknowledging that both of you have played a role in the current state of your marriage, and both of you have a role in making changes.

Your Problems Are Caused By Stress

Financial troubles, health concerns, extended family conflicts, parenting issues, and other stresses can put a lot of strain on a marriage. But if these problems are managed (through counseling, social support, self-care, and other strategies), then you may find that your marriage can also be saved.

Getting Help

Being unhappy in your marriage causes stress and pain. Whether you stay together or split up, having support and guidance is important. Relationship counseling can help you resolve conflicts and make decisions, and individual therapy can be valuable too.

To find a counselor, ask for a referral from your physician, your workplace employee assistance program, or a friend. If you belong to a religious congregation, you may be able to access resources there. You can also consider online marriage counseling.

If you have—or suspect you have—attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), you may wonder about the relationship between caffeine and ADHD. Caffeine is one of the world’s most popular drugs for a reason. Most people love that it helps them feel alert and focused; some simply enjoy it for the taste.

But if you have ADHD, you may be more drawn to it because caffeine and the medications used to treat ADHD all work on your dopamine system, the reward center in your brain.

Why Is Caffeine a Go-To for Some ADHDers?

Caffeine is classified as a central nervous system stimulant,meaning that it’s a drug that increases alertness, energy, and attention. It generally works by blocking the neural receptors that make us sleepy.

Instead, activating these receptors creates a chain reaction that ultimately produces more adrenaline, giving us that extra boost of energy and concentration. Similar to other drugs used more recreationally, caffeine also increases the amount of the feel-good chemical dopamine in the brain.

Also, as caffeine is a highly addictive substance, it is very possible—and common—for one to develop a tolerance for caffeine, meaning they will need more to get the same effect. 

Excess caffeine may also lead to insomnia, resulting in fatigue. Tiredness can lead to even more issues with concentration. Additionally, coffee may lead to an increase in cortisol, the stress hormone. Elevated levels of cortisol have been associated with cognitive issues. Yep, it’s a vicious cycle.

Caffeine and ADHD: Does It Actually Work?

Caffeine may be used to manage ADHD, according to some research. Tea, particularly green tea, can be beneficial. It is thought that l-theanine (an amino acid in tea), which helps with anxiety, also increases dopamine in the brain. Fifty percent of people dealing with ADHD also deal with anxiety.

In children, at least, while traditional stimulant medications outperform caffeine in managing ADHD, there is still more of a benefit to using caffeine versus not. Some benefits seen include reduced hyperactivity, increased executive function, and decreased explosiveness.

It may also depend on the medication; Ritalin (methylphenidate) appears to be much more effective than caffeine while Adderall (dextroamphetamine-amphetamine) is not quite as dramatically effective as caffeine.

It is believed that people with ADHD have dysfunction within the dopamine system within their brains, leading many to seek drugs that will release dopamine. So, it makes sense that people with ADHD would seek caffeine, as it both satisfies those dopamine deficiencies as well as helps with the inattention inherent in ADHD.

“Caffeine [use] can often be an inadvertent or unintentional effort at self-medication in people with ADHD,” says Brit Barkholtz, MSW, LICSW. Indeed, research proves that those with undiagnosed ADHD are likely to seek out stimulants to self-medicate, including parents who take their children’s ADHD medication. 

Can You Take Both Caffeine and ADHD Medication?

Most medications for ADHD, with the exception of Strattera (atomoxetine), are stimulant medications that speed up the body and brain’s processes; similarly, caffeine is also considered a stimulant drug. Since both of these substances work similarly in the body and brain, the effects of the two combined may be intensified.

Also, both caffeine and ADHD pharmacological stimulants carry high risks of addiction, especially when taken together—and people with ADHD are already at a higher risk of substance use issues. One study puts that risk at three times more than those who don’t deal with ADHD. However, those who take medication to help with their ADHD are less likely to develop substance use disorders.

Some of the risks of combining stimulant ADHD medication and caffeine:

• Jitteriness/jumpiness
• Elevated heart rate 
• Increased blood pressure
• Insomnia 
• Anxiety 

Benefits of Caffeine And Medication

A small study found that in some cases, at the right dose, caffeine and ADHD medication together may actually have a synergistic effect, managing traits like impulsivity, inattentiveness, and hyperactivity. In these situations, one may even need less of their stimulant medication than previously thought. 

How Caffeine Affects People With ADHD Differently

In some areas, caffeine affects people with and without ADHD similarly. However, where these paths diverge is how caffeine affects overall functioning. In one study, children with ADHD had greater improvement with caffeine than those who didn’t have ADHD. Caffeine also seemed to make the kids with ADHD happier than it did the kids who didn’t have ADHD.

Stereotypes exist of both people with ADHD and people who use caffeine bouncing off the walls, but if you have other ADHD traits and you find caffeine has more of a calming and focusing effect on you than an energizing effect, that could be worth looking into, says Barkholtz.

Body positivity refers to the assertion that all people deserve a positive body image, regardless of how society and popular culture view ideal shape, size, and appearance. It involves loving your body and feeling good about how it looks.

Keep reading to learn more about body positivity, including what it means, its goals, how it turned into a movement, its benefits, and criticisms. We also share how to feel more positive about your body, which helps support a healthy body image.

What Body Positivity Means

While body positivity has become increasingly popular, people are often confused about exactly what it means. Part of the reason it is so misunderstood is that it has so many different definitions.

 Depending on who you ask, body positivity can mean:

• Appreciating your body despite your perceived flaws
• Feeling confident about your body
• Loving your body
• Accepting your body’s shape and size

Body Positivity Goals

Some of the goals of body positivity include:

• Challenging how society views the body
• Promoting the love and acceptance of all bodies
• Helping people build confidence in and acceptance of their bodies
• Addressing unrealistic body standards

Body positivity is not just about challenging how society views people based on their physical size and shape, however. It also recognizes that judgments are often made based on a person’s race, gender, sexuality, and disability. 

Another goal of body positivity is to help people understand how the media contributes to people’s relationships with their bodies, including how they feel about food, exercise, clothing, health, identity, and self-care. By better understanding the effect these influences have, the hope is that people can develop a healthier and more realistic relationship.

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The Body Positivity Movement

Body positivity is rooted in the “fat acceptance movement” of the late 1960s. The focus of this movement was on ending the culture of fat shaming and discrimination against people based on their size or body weight. The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance was established in 1969 and continues to work to change how people talk about weight.

In the mid-1990s, the term “body positive” emerged, when a psychotherapist and an individual formerly treated for an eating disorder founded the website thebodypositive.org. This site offers resources and educational materials designed to help people feel good about their bodies by taking the focus off of losing weight through unhealthy diet and exercise efforts.

Around 2012, the body positivity movement began to emerge in its current form. It initially challenged unrealistic feminine beauty standards. As the movement grew, the idea of weight acceptance began to shift toward a message that “all bodies are beautiful.” Instagram played a pivotal role in this movement’s growing popularity.

The impact of body positivity can be seen in several ways. Some magazines have stopped airbrushing or photo editing models, for instance, while companies such as Dove and Aerie have developed marketing campaigns incorporating body positivity messages.

Benefits of Body Positivity

Body positivity strives to help people develop a healthy body image. A person’s body image—which is a subjective perception of one’s own body—may be different from how their body actually appears. This can lead to feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that impact their mental health and how they treat themselves.

Research suggests that having a positive body image is associated with a reduced risk of depression, higher self-esteem, and fewer dieting behaviors. Body image also plays a role in how people feel about their appearance and how they judge their self-worth.

Conversely, problems can emerge as a result of poor body image, including:

• Depression: Women experience depression at much higher rates than men, and some researchers believe that body dissatisfaction may play an important role in explaining this gender difference in depression rates.
• Low self-esteem: Research has found that body dissatisfaction is associated with poor self-esteem in adolescents, also increasing their risk of depression and anxiety.  
• Eating disorders: Research also indicates that body dissatisfaction is linked to disordered eating, particularly among adolescent girls. 

Research has consistently shown that the media contributes to body dissatisfaction. It is not just exposure to “ideal” body images that pose a danger; it is the development of beliefs that beauty, success, and esteem are determined by thinness.

Body positivity hopes to address these issues by helping people recognize the influences contributing to poor body image. The hope is that people will then be able to adjust their body expectations and feel more positive and accepting of their own bodies. Such acceptance may then help combat the toll that poor body image has on their health.

Criticisms of Body Positivity

While the body positivity message is intended to help people feel better about themselves, it isn’t without its problems and critics. For example, one problem is the idea that body positivity implies that people should do whatever they think they need to do to feel positive about how they look.

Unfortunately, the popular messages that people are bombarded with include the idea that thinner, fitter people are happier, healthier, and more beautiful. This idealization of thinness can then contribute to people engaging in unhealthy actions—including excessive exercise or extreme diets—under the guise of feeling “body positive.”

Another criticism of body positivity is that it can be non-inclusive. Depictions of body positivity messages tend to exclude people of color as well as those who are disabled or part of the LGBTQ+ community.

Another criticism of the body positivity trend is that it makes the appearance of the body one of the most important elements of a person’s self-perception. It neglects all the other elements of a person’s identity that are more important than how a person looks.

How to Improve Your Body Positivity

Body positivity is designed to foster acceptance and love of your body, but it can be a struggle that adds another element of pressure and impossible standards to live up to. So what can you do to maintain a healthy body image?

Be Realistic

Telling people to ignore the dominant beauty ideal isn’t realistic. This can also create more pressure for a person who is already feeling anxious, negative, and devalued. 

Instead, recognize that although an “ideal” body image exists, this doesn’t mean that you have to subscribe to it. You still have value and worth, no matter your body shape and size.

Replace Negative Thought Patterns

Repeating positive affirmations you don’t believe in can backfire. It may even leave you feeling worse about yourself than you did before.

This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t say nice things or think positive thoughts about yourself. But a better approach would be to work on replacing negative thought patterns with more realistic ones.

Adopt Body Neutrality

It’s okay to admit that you don’t necessarily love everything about your body. It’s also okay to feel neutral or even indifferent. Your worth and value do not lie in your shape, size, or in any other aspect of your appearance. Body image does play a part in self-concept, but it isn’t everything.

Admittedly, this isn’t always easy. There will be moments when you feel weak, dislike aspects of yourself, and compare yourself to others. The key is to keep trying to find new ways to avoid the negative thought patterns that contribute to poor body image.

Try Health-Focused Self-Care

Self-care strategies can sometimes masquerade as a way to change or control your appearance. However, they should focus on doing things that make you feel good about the body you have now.

Show respect for your body. Eat healthy meals because it fuels your mind and body. Exercise because it helps you feel strong and energized, not because you’re trying to change or control your body.

Feel Good In Your Clothes

Wear and buy clothes for the body you have now—not for some planned future version of yourself. You might be holding onto your “thin clothes” because you plan to eventually lose weight, but such habits can make it hard to feel good about yourself today.

Look for things that make you feel comfortable and good about how you look. Purge your closet of clothes that don’t fit your current physique. Your body may change in size and shape in the future, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be able to look and feel good about yourself in the here and now.

Purge Your Social Media

Purge your social media feeds of accounts that don’t make you feel good about yourself. If you find yourself constantly comparing yourself to others, you’re less likely to feel good about yourself.

Follow accounts that spark your interests and that leave you with positive feelings. Try following body-positive accounts that are inclusive of all body types, shapes, colors, genders, and abilities.

Your blood alcohol concentration (BAC) is what determines how intoxicated you get from drinking alcohol and varies by your sex and body weight. Also known as blood alcohol content, BAC is used for both legal and medical purposes.

Overview

In the United States, a BAC of 0.10 (one-tenth of one percent) means that there is 0.10 g of alcohol for every 100 milliliters (mL) of blood. According to the law, the legal limit for operating a motor vehicle is 0.08 for drivers 21 and over. Many states have zero-tolerance policies for drivers under the legal drinking age, which make it illegal to have a BAC over .00 if you are under 21.

Blood Alcohol in Men

Blood alcohol concentration can differ significantly between men and women, with women tending to have higher BAC than men of the same age and weight. Moreover, men are able to metabolize alcohol faster because they have higher levels of an enzyme called alcohol dehydrogenase (ADH) in their stomach and liver.

Even so, the time it takes a man to metabolize a single alcoholic beverage is not one hour, as some would have you believe. Depending on your weight, it can take far longer.

What Counts as a Drink?

One drink equals 1 12-ounce bottle of beer, 5 ounces of wine, or 1 oz of 100-proof liquor. But how intoxicated you become depends on how quickly you consume alcohol over a period of hours. For an average-sized American man, for example, drinking four beers in two hours may not be enough to raise your BAC to .08%, but five beers likely will be.

After One Drink

Most people will tell you that one drink is “no big deal.” While some men may respond to a single drink with a little tipsiness, others may appear entirely unaffected. That doesn’t mean that they’ve “cleared” the alcohol from the body; it simply means that their brains are more accustomed to alcohol and won’t react as profoundly.

As a general rule, the average speed of metabolism (in which the alcohol is fully broken down and no longer present in the blood) will be slower the smaller a man is. The effects of drinking, therefore, can vary as can speed by which the BAC returns to normal. For example:

• At 100 pounds, he will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.04 after one drink. If he drinks it over one hour, he will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.02, and if he drinks it over two hours, he will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.01. Only after three hours will he have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.00.
• At 150 pounds, a man will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.03 after one drink. If he drinks it over one hour, he will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.01, and after two hours, he will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.00.
• At 200 pounds, a man will have a BAC of 0.06. If he drinks them over one hour, he will have a BAC of 0.004, and after two hours, he will have a BAC of 0.02. After three hours, his BAC will be down to 0.01, and after four hours, it will be down to 0.00.

After Two Drinks

Two standard American drinks will, on average, produce a blood alcohol concentration of about 0.04, and most light and moderate drinkers will feel relaxed at this level. Even if you don’t feel the effects of intoxication, your reaction times will be slowed and fine motor skills will be affected to the extent that driving will be impaired.

After two drinks, the metabolism of alcohol in men will further slow, meaning that you will have to wait longer before you get behind the wheel. For example:

• At 100 pounds, a man will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.08 after two drinks. If he drinks them over one hour, he will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.06, and if he drinks them over two hours, he will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.04. After three hours, his blood alcohol concentration will be down to 0.03, after four hours, it will be down to 0.01, and only after five hours will he have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.00.
• At 150 pounds, a man will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.05 after two drinks. If he drinks them over one hour, he will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.04, and after two hours, he will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.02. After three hours, his blood alcohol concentration will be down to 0.003, and after four hours, it will be down to 0.00.
• At 200 pounds, a man will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.04 after two drinks. If he drinks them over one hour, he will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.004, and after two hours, he will have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.00.

After Three Drinks

Three American standard drinks will produce, on average, a blood alcohol concentration of about 0.06. At this point, the negative effects of alcohol start to show.

Once the typical man has had three drinks, judgment will be impaired, often affecting the ability to make rational decisions, particularly around risk-taking activities such as driving or sex. Perception, memory, coordination, alertness, and self-control will also be impaired.

After a man has three standard drinks, the equation changes even further:

• At 100 pounds, a man will have a BAC of 0.11. If he drinks them over one hour, he will have a BAC of 0.10, and if he drinks them over two hours, he will have a BAC of 0.08. After three hours, his BAC will still be at 0.07, and after four hours, it will be at 0.05. After five hours, it will be down to 0.03, after six hours, it will be at 0.02, and after six hours, it will be at 0.001. Only after a whopping seven hours will he have a BAC of 0.00.
• At 150 pounds, a man will have a BAC of 0.08. If he drinks them over one hour, he will have a BAC of 0.06, and after two hours, he will have a BAC of 0.04. After three hours, his BAC will be down to 0.03, and after four hours, it will be down to 0.01. By five hours, it will be down to 0.00.
• At 200 pounds, am will have a BAC of 0.06. If he drinks them over one hour, he will have a BAC of 0.004, and after two hours, he will have a BAC of 0.02. After three hours, his BAC will be down to 0.01, and after four hours, it will be down to 0.00.

After Six Drinks

The effects noted at the three drink level (or a BAC of 0.06) will become more pronounced with each additional drink. Six drinks will produce a BAC of about 0.12 unless the alcohol consumed over a long period of time.

The speed by which a man would reach this level would vary:

• At 100 pounds, a man would reach a BAC of 0.12 by drinking three drinks in less than one hour or four drinks over two hours.
• At 150 pounds, a man would reach this level by consuming six drinks over two to three hours.
• At 200 pounds, a man would reach this level if he drank six drinks in less than one hour. If these people drank more slowly, it might take eight or nine drinks to reach this level over two or three hours.

More Than Six Drinks

After six drinks, the BAC and symptoms of severe intoxication and poisoning rapidly increase:

• After seven to eight drinks, your BAC will have reached 0.15 (or the equivalent of half a pint of whiskey). Most people have difficulty walking in a straight line at this point.
• After 10 drinks, your BAC will have reach 0.2. By this stage, most people will blackout and have no little or memory of what happened. In younger people, this level can be fatal.
• After 15 drinks, the BAC will have reached 0.3. Unconsciousness is all but inevitable.
• After 20 drinks, the BAC will have reached 0.45, a dose considered fatal for adults. Death usually occurs as a result of cardiac or respiratory arrest.

Keep in Mind

In general, three drinks or more will produce negative effects. These negative effects will increase the more you drink and the more quickly you drink. Because you feel “up” and emboldened, you may not even be aware of how badly you are impaired. These effects can be particularly pronounced in smaller men.

If you are driving, the evidence is clear that you are safer not drinking at all. Research also shows that the severity of life-threatening motor vehicle accidents increases significantly at BACs far lower than the current U.S. limit of 0.08.

It is also worth noting that the majority of sexual assaults occur when one or both people have been drinking. So having more than three drinks at a bar, club, or party may leave you vulnerable to impropriate and harmful behaviors.