Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

In the early days of a relationship, every conversation with our partner is incredibly exciting—we’re discovering more about them and sharing little bits of ourselves. 

Fast forward to a few years later. We’re comfortably settled into the relationship, which is great, but it can sometimes feel like we’ve run out of things to talk about. The “What’s your favorite food?” phase feels like a distant memory. Instead, we’re having the same conversations over and over again, which, if we’re being honest, can get a little boring.

“After some time, we assume we know our partners inside and out and stop making an effort,” says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”

However, to keep the spark alive, “it’s important to channel excitement and newness within the relationship,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist specializing in relationships.

Wondering how to keep the spark alive? Here are some strategies that can help you reignite the conversation with your partner and some topics to get you started.

How to Rekindle the Conversation Spark With a Long-Term Partner

These are some strategies that can help you rekindle the conversation with a long-term partner:

• Ask open-ended questions: Ask your partner open-ended questions that encourage deeper conversations. For example, you could ask them “What’s something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet?”
• Dive deeper: Go beyond surface-level questions. Instead of asking “How was your day?”, ask “What was the most interesting thing that happened at work today?” Or, if they’ve had a rough day, you could ask “What frustrated you the most today?”
• Play conversation games: Try playful conversation games like “Two Truths and a Lie” or “Would You Rather” to add a fun element to your interactions.
• Incorporate story time: Ask your partner to tell you a story—it could be about anything. The stories we tell often reflect our innermost thoughts in creative ways.
• Express interest: Show your partner you’re genuinely interested in their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Put away distractions and actively listen to what they have to say, asking follow-up questions along the way.
• Be vulnerable: Share your thoughts, fears, dreams, and vulnerabilities with each other. Vulnerability can deepen emotional intimacy and lead to more meaningful conversations.
• Try new things together: By doing new things together, you create new material to talk about, says Dr. Romanoff. She suggests trying a new restaurant in a different part of town, visiting a museum, taking a new route home, going on a trip together, or engaging in a new physical activity, such as an exercise class, massage, or hike.
• Read or watch something together: Pick a book, movie, or TV series to read or watch together. These can provide new topics for conversation and create shared experiences. You can even listen to a podcast together—each of you could listen to an episode on your commute to work every day and then you can discuss it when you’re together at night.
• Try new things individually: You also can reignite the conversation by trying new things individually and bringing back your experiences to share with your partner, says Dr. Romanoff. “When there is stagnation in a relationship, it can reflect stagnation in other parts of your life. Remember to continue to foster a full life outside of the relationship so you can bring back that energy to your partner.”

10 Topics to Start New Conversations

These are 10 topics you can use to spark new conversations with your partner.

Hopes and Dreams

Share your hopes, dreams, and aspirations with your partner and ask them about theirs. 

“You could do this in a fun way, by sharing your childhood dreams—no matter how silly or far-fetched they sound,” says Dr. Romanoff. Or, you could have a more serious conversation about the hopes and dreams each of you secretly harbor—the ones you’ve never admitted aloud to anyone, probably not even yourselves.

Dr. Romanoff recommends finding a connection between each of your dreams to the present day. “For example, if it was your partner’s dream to be a jazz musician, you could plan a date night at a jazz bar or get concert tickets to a jazz show. Alternatively, if you always wanted to be a doctor, you could explore the underlying value system driving you to the profession, i.e. helping people, and find a volunteering opportunity you both could do together.”

This will help you create new experiences, memories, and conversations with each other, while fulfilling your dreams together, in a way.

Fears

Believe it or not, you can actually have a pretty interesting conversation with your partner about your fears. Dr. Romanoff recommends starting out in a playful manner, by asking them about their childhood fears or whether they have any quirky/unusual fears, and sharing your own. It could be anything—lots of tiny holes, raisins, moths, or monsters under the bed.

From there, you can have a deeper conversation with your partner about what keeps each of you up at night as adults. Common themes are money, job security, health, losing loved ones, and our own mortality, says Dr. Romanoff. “Our fears often reveal personality traits, childhood experiences, and parts of our identity.”

Tread lightly if they’re sensitive about something though, you don’t want to push them and make them feel uncomfortable.

Life Goals

Talk to your partner about your life goals and encourage them to share theirs with you. They can be big goals, related to your career, finances, personal growth, or relationships. Or, they could be smaller goals, like wanting to be able to do 100 push-ups by the end of the year. You can even set some goals together, like trying a new restaurant every month, making a new recipe every week, or going on vacation every year.

When you talk to your partner about goals, Dr. Romanoff recommends discussing the underlying motivations behind them as well. “Don’t stop at just discussing the goal, rather seek to understand the why, to uncover what it represents to each of you and why it’s so important.”

Relationship Reflections

Reminisce with your partner about the early stages of your relationship. What were some of your first impressions of each other? What was your funniest date? What did you appreciate most about each other? What did you tell your friends after your first meeting? When did you know they were the one?

These conversations can help you see your relationship from their perspective, bringing you closer together.

Memories

Talk to your partner about your childhood memories and the defining moments of your life. Ask them about theirs.

Talking about your memories helps you relive them in the present, says Dr. Romanoff. “Sharing fond childhood memories or interesting travel experiences helps you bring them to life, so you both can experience it together.”

Family Traditions

Tell your partner about your family’s traditions growing up and invite them to share theirs with you. More importantly, discuss how each one made you feel. Did you love it or hate it? Would you continue it?

You can also talk to your partner about creating new traditions together. They could be small additions to your daily routine, like writing each other a cute note every day. Or, they could be fun activities you do together, like a weekly date night or a couples massage. You could even make your own traditions for holidays and special occasions, such as breakfast in bed on birthdays.

Travel and Adventure

Talking about travel and adventure can be an exciting escape from the routine of daily life. You can discuss your dream destinations with your partner and make a bucket list together. Every now and then, you can revisit the bucket list to update it.

Whenever you are able to, plan trips with your partner. Try to incorporate both your interests into the itinerary. Whether it’s a short getaway or a longer vacation, it’ll probably give you and your partner lots of talk about—before, during, and after the trip.

Fantasies

Another fun topic of conversation is fantasies. You can ask your partner hypothetical questions such as:

• If they could move somewhere else for the rest of their lives, where would they go?
• If they could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who would they pick?
• If they could wake up as someone else tomorrow, who would they be?
• If they could have three wishes, what would they ask for?
• If they could have any superpower, which one would they choose?
• If they could be an animal, which one would they want to be?
• If they could star in a movie, which one would they want it to be?

Apart from asking your partner these questions, also remember to ask them why. These questions help us share our innermost fantasies, increasing intimacy and closeness with our partners, says de Llano.

Interests

Talk to your partner about your hobbies and interests. It could be art, music, books, technology, food, fitness, spirituality, or anything else you’re interested in.

Share your passion with your partner and include them in it—you can take them along with you if they’re up for it, or tell them all about it when you spend time together. 

Similarly, encourage them to follow their passions and ask them to share their thoughts and experiences with you.

Gratitude

Remember to tell your partner everything you’re grateful for, when it comes to them and your relationship. 

In long-term relationships, complacency can set in, and before you know it, you’re nagging each other about doing the dishes and keeping the bathroom clean. This can get frustrating for both of you. According to a 2021 study, spending more time arguing with one’s partner than talking to them is linked to lower relationship satisfaction.

Focusing on gratitude can help you break the negative cycle of arguing. Everyone likes to feel appreciated and a little gratitude often goes a long way! Your partner will appreciate it and you’ll be happier too—research shows us that gratitude and life satisfaction go hand in hand.

We often use the words character and personality interchangeably. For example, when we’re talking about the way a person behaves or how we perceive them, we may throw around adjectives like honest, integral, funny, or outgoing in an attempt to describe someone’s character, personality, or both.

Although both character and personality involve the expression of someone’s inner qualities, research shows that they are two very different things.

So, What’s the Difference Between Character and Personality?

Verywell Mind spoke to LeMeita Smith, PhD, MLPC, a therapist who helped break down the differences between character and personality:

• Character: Refers to our individual beliefs and values—both of which shape our personalities. Our life experiences also shape our characters and reveal our intrinsic qualities and morals.
• Personality: Refers to our temperaments and behaviors. Our personality shapes our character and interpersonal interactions often help us suss out someone’s personality traits.

Unpacking What Character and Personality Truly Mean

As you can see by the definitions above, character can shape personality, but personality also influences character.

“Character refers to the person’s moral and ethical qualities. It consists of beliefs and moral principles that can guide their behavior in discrete ways. Personality is the sum of a person’s physical, psychological, emotional, and social aspects that are manifested through behavior and actions,” says Tara M. Lally, PhD, the supervising psychologist at the Department of Psychiatry at Ocean University Medical Center.

Real-Life Situations Can Help Explain the Differences Between Character and Personality

The following real-life scenarios can help us get a better understanding of how character and personality differ:

• To Steal or Not to Steal: Let’s say we wake up and go to work one day only to walk in and find that the cash register has been left open. No one else is around. If we decide to tell the manager that the drawer was left open, our personality dictates that decision. But, if we peek around and decide to swipe some cash from the register, that says something about our character. If you choose not to steal money from the drawer, this decision also speaks to your character.
• How We Respond If We Don’t Get Our Way: Another example looks at we might react to being told we can’t do something that we want to do. Character dictates whether we’re unbothered by this or if we feel like everyone is out to get us. Either feeling points to our core belief system. The way we outwardly express those internal feelings highlights our personality. So, if we get angry, act petty, or take the high road we reveal our personality. In other words, personality is the outward expression of character.

What Makes Character and Personality Similar?

“Both reflect who an individual is as a person and are influenced by environmental factors. These constructs make up the identity of a person and play a vital role in thinking patterns, behaviors, and actions. Both personality and character are integral in understanding who you are in relation to yourself and others,” says Dr. Smith.

How Character and Personality Impact Us on a Psychological Level

Both character and personality are expressed physically, mentally, and emotionally. So, it stands to reason that they both have a significant impact in the areas of psychology, personal development, and even social interactions.

Research shows that psychologically, character is the part of ourselves that houses morals and ethics. It’s significant in this space because it is a driver and predictor of decisions you’ll make, which defines your personal development and how you relate to others.

Personality has a similar impact.

“Within psychological arenas, the ID represents [our] personality and directly represents the needs of an individual. In psychology, the study of personality provides insight into how specific traits and mannerisms develop and change over time. Personality is significant to personal development and social interactions as certain traits can cause distress and present challenges,” tells Dr. Smith.

Which Is More Important, Character or Personality?

Character and personality go hand in hand. Each impacts the other, and both impact your thoughts, behaviors, and actions.

Some experts say character is more important because it is what drives an individual’s decisions. Those decisions are predictors of actions. Other experts argue that personality is more critical because it is the demonstration of a person’s beliefs. So, basically, it’s hard to say which one is more important.

Ultimately, both matter, and are critical links to understanding a person mentally, physically, and emotionally.

“Both are equally important. Character is born from caregiver development and what we see as valued both intrinsically and [by] others. Personality emerges in response to situations and our [interactions] with others,” says Dr. Lally. “Both are necessary because they allow for an individual to be dynamic in different situations revealing themselves (personality) to others when they are ready but always knowing oneself (character),” she says.

How Can We Identify Our Character and Personality?

Now that we know how character and personality differ from one another, how do we identify our own traits?

Let’s go back to those two example scenarios from earlier. Think about how you’d respond if you walked into work and saw a cash register open. What might your internal reaction be? If you think you’d feel the urgency to do something about it this may indicate that you have an honest and ethical character.

Then, if you decide to tell your manager that the drawer is open, this shows that your personality is trustworthy and honorable because you’re expressing your honest character by outwardly doing the right thing.

Deception involves lying, distorting facts, making up stories, hiding the truth, or misleading someone in some way. It can be harmful to relationships because it violates trust.

The mildest form of deception is a white lie. For example, we might tell our partner that their joke was super funny or that their new haircut doesn’t totally suck. We all do it from time to time.

These little white lies are usually harmless, but a pattern of subtle lying can be a dangerous path to go down. When the white lies go past the harmless “trying to protect your feelings” variety, they enter deceptive territory. Deception can also involve more serious offenses, like cheating or gaslighting.

If you think your partner’s acting a little sketchy, you might wonder whether they’re deceiving you in some way and what you should do about it.

In this article, we explore what deception could look like in relationships, why people do it, and how it can harm relationships. We also ask a relationship expert for some tips on how to rebuild trust in relationships.

Examples of Deception in a Relationship

These are some examples of deception in relationships:

• Telling white lies: We might tell our partner we’re on our way to dinner while we’re still getting ready. Or, we might pretend we have a really early start the next day if we’re not in the mood to hang out with our partner’s annoying friend. All of us are guilty of telling these lies to avoid hurting our partner’s feelings or avert confrontation.
• Lying: While little white lies can sometimes smooth things over, there are times when we might find ourselves fibbing about where we are or what we’re up to, to avoid conflict or scrutiny perhaps. For instance, we may claim we’re working late at work, instead of admitting that we’re at a poker game instead.
• Concealing finances: Talking about money can be tough, and there may be instances where we’ve struggled to be upfront about our income, debts, or spending habits, either out of fear or due to the pressure of maintaining a certain image. For example, we may not be honest with our partner about how much we spent on those new shoes. Research shows that financial deception is quite common among couples.
• Embellishing our backgrounds: In wanting to impress a new flame, we may stretch the truth about our background or who we really are, presenting a more desirable version of ourselves to win their approval.
• Fabricating stories: We may spin a tale or two to manipulate our partner’s perception of us. Whether it’s conjuring up a sob story to earn their sympathy or inflating our achievements to impress them, we’ve all been there at some point.
• Omitting information: We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. Sometimes, we may choose not to spill all the beans, omitting certain details when we share things with our partner.
• Covering up lies: Regrettably, there may have been moments when we’ve told a lie, misled our partner, and then gone to great lengths to cover our tracks, hoping they won’t find out what we’ve done. For instance, we may have snooped around their room a little, broken something in the process, and made up a lie to try and cover it up.
• Withholding emotions: We may suppress our true feelings and pretend like everything’s hunky-dory, rather than addressing issues and resolving them. We may claim we’re fine, even if we’re not.
• Hiding bad habits: We may hide our use of substances like alcohol or drugs, or other bad habits from our partner. 
• Cheating: Deception can also escalate to infidelity. We might have experienced the temptation to engage in emotional or physical affairs outside of our relationship.
• Gaslighting: Deception can also include gaslighting, where we manipulate our partners and cause them to doubt themselves. For example, if they accuse us of something, instead of owning up to our mistakes, we might deny it and claim we never said that.

Deception vs. Lying

While deception and lying are very similar, they’re not exactly the same thing. 

Lying refers specifically to the act of making a false statement. Deception, on the other hand, is a much broader term that encompasses any act or strategy intended to mislead or create a false impression. It can involve actions, words, or omissions. Lying is essentially a smaller subset of deceptive behavior.

Is Omitting Information a Form of Deception?

Omitting information can definitely be a form of deception.

For example, we may neglect to tell our partner important information about ourselves, like the fact that we’ve been engaged or married before. We may worry about how it would affect their view of us. However, when they find out, they’ll probably be upset and hurt that they weren’t trusted with that information.

Or, we may go to a party where we bump into our ex. We may choose to leave out that information when we tell our partner about the party, to avoid upsetting them. However, if they ever find out, they’ll probably be more mad that they weren’t told about it.

Or, we may be experiencing financial difficulties and avoid telling our partner about it because we don’t want to stress them out. However, financial transparency is important in relationships, so that partners can support each other and find solutions together.

Why Do People Deceive Their Partners?

We may not set out to mislead our partners, but we may end up deceiving them as we navigate the messy terrain of relationships.

While each situation is unique, some common reasons for deception in relationships include:

• Avoiding conflict: We might tell a little lie or deceive our partners to avoid getting into a fight.
• Preserving our self-image: We all want to look good in our partner’s eyes. We might brag a little and exaggerate our successes or downplay our flaws, to maintain our self-image. 
• Seeking approval: We may stretch the truth a little bit to win our partner’s approval. For example, we may say “I love hiking on holiday too!,” even if we don’t particularly enjoy it.
• Hiding insecurity: We may feel insecure and fear losing our partners if we reveal our vulnerabilities to them, so we might choose to deceive them instead.
• Shielding them: We may try to protect our partner from negative or unpleasant things, choosing to deceive them instead. For instance, we may say “My mother loves you, she thinks you’re great.”
• Feeling trapped: In the heat of the moment, we might twist facts or manipulate the situation to make ourselves feel less cornered. For example, if they bring up an issue, we might try to turn the tables on them and accuse them of overreacting instead.
• Fearing consequences: We may try to hide our harmful habits because we’re terrified of being judged or having to face the consequences. 
• Maintaining our independence: We may not feel ready to share certain things with our partner yet, so we may deceive them in order to maintain our sense of privacy and independence.

How Deception Harms Relationships

We tapped Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, to help us understand how deception can harm relationships.

Dr. Romanoff explains that the person being deceived may struggle to fully trust their partner and believe that their words, actions and behaviors are genuine. “The deceiver may struggle to trust that their partner wants to be with the real them and fear losing them–although this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as they deceive their partners and end up losing them as a result.”

Trust, honesty, and authenticity are the founding pillars of relationships. The relationship probably won’t last long if we can’t trust our partners and show them our vulnerabilities—or if we can’t trust that they are being their genuine, authentic selves with us.

How to Tell If My Partner Is Deceiving Me

These are 10 signs that your partner might be deceiving you:

• Unexplained behavior changes: Your partner is suddenly doing something different, such as coming home late every night.
• Inconsistent stories: Their story doesn’t seem to match up with what they’ve told you before. Some of the details have changed and things don’t seem to add up.
• Defensive reactions: They respond to an innocent situation or question with a disproportionately defensive reaction.
• Evasive body language: Your partner’s body language seems sketchy. They don’t meet your eyes, turn their body away from you, fidget constantly, or touch their face a lot while talking.
• Altered communication patterns: They avoid certain topics, becoming vague, distant, and dismissive when you bring them up.
• Hesitant responses: They hesitate before responding, pausing to choose their words carefully before they reply.
• Guarded privacy: They’re suddenly super protective of their phone or laptop, not leaving them unguarded or out of their sight for even a minute. They may change some of their passwords without keeping you in the loop.
• Radio silence: They occasionally disappear and you can’t reach them, by phone or message.
• Fluctuating intimacy: They may suddenly be much more affectionate toward you. Or, they may withdraw from you physically and emotionally.
• Gut feelings: You just have a feeling in your gut that something’s wrong and they’re not being upfront with you. Something seems off, even if you’re not quite sure what it is.

What to Do If You Learn That Your Partner Has Deceived You

Learning that your partner has deceived you can be a tough pill to swallow, but how you navigate the aftermath can shape the future of your relationship.

These are some strategies that may be helpful:

• Reflect on your emotions: It’s normal to feel angry, betrayed, or hurt in this situation. Take a moment to reflect on your emotions to understand what you’re feeling and why.
• Share your feelings: Talk to your partner about how the impact of their actions. Instead of accusing them, tell them how their actions made you feel, using “I feel” statements. For example, instead of saying “You’re keeping secrets from me by not telling me that your ex texted you,” you could say “I felt hurt, sad, and disappointed when I found out that you kept this from me.”
• Try to see things from their side: Dr. Romanoff recommends approaching the conversation with your partner from a place of curiosity instead of blame, asking them why they did what they did instead of shaming them and labeling them. Try to see things from their side and understand why they did it. Understanding does not excuse the behavior but it can provide you both with more information about how to proceed. If your partner is lying because they are worried about hurting your feelings, you can discuss ways to co-create a safe space to share vulnerable or sensitive information with each other in the future.
• Evaluate the relationship: Depending on the frequency and seriousness of the offense, you might need to evaluate the relationship and determine whether you can still be with your partner. Are their values too dissimilar to yours for the relationship to work? For instance, if they have been unfaithful to you and their deception has fundamentally broken your trust, you may find that you can’t be with the person anymore.
• Set boundaries: If you feel your values can be re-aligned and you decide to stay together and work things out, it’s important to establish clear boundaries with your partner. This might involve determining what is and is not acceptable when it comes to behavior and communication in the relationship, discussing consequences for boundary violations, and outlining expectations for honesty and transparency. It is important for both of you to be on the same page in order to move forward.
• Seek support: Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist for support. Having someone to talk to and share your feelings with can be a source of comfort and insight.
• Practice self-care: Prioritize self-care as you navigate this situation. Whether it’s engaging in activities you enjoy, spending time with loved ones, or seeking therapy for yourself, taking care of your emotional well-being is crucial.

Rebuilding Trust in Your Relationship

If you and your partner are working on your relationship, it’s important to rebuild the trust that was broken, in order to move forward.

These are some strategies that can help you rebuild the trust in your relationship:

• Prioritize open and honest communication: Keep the communication lines with your partner open. Discuss the reasons behind the breach of trust, express your feelings, and listen to your partner’s perspective. Practice radical honesty with each other and work together to create new communication practices that are emotionally safe for both of you and free of blame, shame, or judgment.
• Give them a chance: Give your partner a chance to apologize and make it up to you. “Be patient as your partner makes sincere efforts to rekindle the connection,” says Dr. Romanoff.
• Let them earn your trust again: You have to give them the chance to earn your trust again. Trust is built over many instances demonstrating consistency and reliability, says Dr. Romanoff. “Give your partner the opportunity to prove their trustworthiness by showing up for you and meeting your needs in small ways, and progressively up the ante over time.”
• Be patient: Rebuilding trust takes time, and patience is crucial. Understand that healing is a gradual process, and both of you may need time to rebuild your confidence.
• Rebuild the emotional connection: Work on rebuilding emotional intimacy in the relationship. Prioritize quality time together and engage in activities that bring you closer together.
• See a couples counselor: Couples therapy can help you navigate the complexities of the situation and rebuild your relationship.
• Forgive: Forgiveness is crucial to repair but it can take time and effort. Eventually, it is important to be able to forgive your partner, otherwise it will remain an open wound in your relationship. Take the time to feel your feelings of hurt and as you process them, move forward at your respective paces. Don’t rush or force the process of forgiveness, but allow it to be a possibility now or in the future. If you were the one who broke their trust, practice forgiving yourself as well and rebuilding your trust with yourself by taking different actions in the future.

Frequently Asked Questions