Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

People change. People take longer to find themselves. Life will always throw you curveballs you never saw coming. Finding out your partner is gay or queer is one of these complicated situations that are both positive on certain levels and devastating on others. It’s a lot to unpack.

You may have had your suspicions your partner was somewhere on the Kinsey Scale—lots of people are bisexual or bicurious in heterosexual relationships and these relationships are still strong. It’s not until your partner tells you directly that they are gay—as in they’ve realized they are more attracted to the same sex than the opposite sex—that you might be facing a significant challenge.

You’ll inevitably be left with questions about your future, the future of your marriage, and how your relationship with your partner will change. This is a delicate and complicated situation but you will get through it. The key is to focus on understanding and accepting your partner for who they are now and finding the best path towards restoring happiness for you both.

On Finding Out Your Partner Is Gay

Unless your spouse shares their sexual orientation with you, there is no way to know for sure if they are gay or queer. So-called “signs” like how your spouse talks, walks, dresses, or looks are not indications of sexual orientation. Nor are sexual preferences, including oral and anal sex.

Rather than making assumptions, the best way to know for sure is to have an open dialogue with your spouse. You’d never want to directly out your partner, it’s ok to bring up observations you’ve had about them while emphasizing your love and support for them no matter what they say.

If your partner isn’t ready to talk about it, accept that truth. They will come out to you whenever the time is right. This experience is just as hard for them—if not more—as it is for you.

While the following signs may relate to your spouse’s sexual orientation, they can also be attributed to other problems in their life or your marriage:

• You notice your spouse has lost interest in sex or has trouble engaging in sex.
• You notice your spouse has a sense of confusion about themselves.
• You notice pop-ups of gay pornography or gay dating sites on their devices.
• You notice a new group of friends on their social media, many of whom are openly gay or queer.
• You notice them talking more about gay people in conversation, either in a positive light or derogatory manner.

Do Mixed Orientation Relationships Work?

Mixed orientation couples are those in which the partners do not share the same sexual orientation. Examples of mixed orientation couples include partnerships in which one partner is straight and the other is not, but could also include relationships in which one partner identifies as lesbian and the other identifies as bisexual, for example.

According to one study, there are up to two million couples in which one member identifies as straight and the other does not. Among these couples, when the gay, lesbian, or bisexual partner comes out, a third of the couples break up immediately; another third stay together for one to two years and then split; the remaining third try to make their marriages work. Of these, half split up, while the other half stay together for three or more years.

Key Issues Facing a Straight Spouse

There’s no question that learning your partner is gay when you believed them to be straight can be extremely difficult. Among the things you may feel:

• Sexual rejection
• Damaged sexual self-esteem
• Wondering things like “what did I do to cause this?” or “am I not masculine/feminine enough?”
• Low self-image and a high level of self-doubt
• Concern about the children: How will they handle the news? How will it affect them?
• Feeling like your life has been shattered and you were living a lie
• Confusion about your relationship or marriage
• Fear of having your family torn apart
• Hurt over feeling that you have been lied to
• Bitterness, fear, shock, despair, devastation, hurt, and anger
• Shame, secrecy, and a fear of lack of acceptance
• Anxiety about whether your partner or spouse has been unfaithful
• Fear of having been exposed to or having contracted sexually transmitted infections if your partner has been unfaithful (If this is a concern, talk to your partner and get tested.)

Things to Do and Not to Do

When you’re in love, especially in those early stages where every call, text, or in-person meeting is enough to leave you buzzing—it can be very easy to slip into a habit where you constantly crave the attention of your partner.

However, despite your best intentions, acting clingy towards your significant other may not always be an attractive trait. In some cases, it can do more harm than good in your relationship. Clinging to someone or something is a tendency to stay very close to someone (such as a parent or partner) for emotional support, protection, and more.

We’ll be taking a look at what it means to be clingy, why it happens, and most importantly—how to get it under control so you can enjoy a healthy and happy relationship with your partner.

How to Stop Being Clingy

If you want to stop being clingy, some strategies can help. Consider trying some of these tactics to feel more secure and less clingy in your relationship:

• Figure out why you are clingy and work on addressing your unmet needs
• Talk to your partner and be direct about your needs
• Find ways to distract yourself
• Establish boundaries and then respect them
• Take time to focus on yourself
• Spend time with supportive friends and family, and make sure that you are not neglecting your other relationships
• Look for ways to improve your self-esteem and self-confidence
• Get treatment for any mental health symptoms you might experience, including anxiety and depression

Examples of Clinginess in Relationships

Whereas children cry and throw tantrums when separated from a parental figure, being clingy may manifest in different forms in a romantic relationship. It includes engaging in acts such as:

• Calling your partner several times a day
• Repeatedly messaging them throughout the day
• Working yourself into a panic when they don’t respond
• Constantly stalking your partner’s activities on social media
• Feeling threatened by their friends or co-workers of the opposite sex
• Constantly wanting an invite to every event your partner plans to attend
• Having less and less time for your friends
• Constantly seeking reassurance of your partner’s feelings for you
• Attempting to speed up the relationship quickly by professing love too early, dropping premature hints of marriage, etc.

If these are behaviors that you find yourself frequently engaging in, the reality may be a hard pill to swallow. However, while it may not be immediately apparent, there is an underlying reason why you tend to cling to partners during your relationships.

Why Do We Get Clingy?

Requiring constant interaction or assurance of your partner may seem rooted in your love for them, but it is more likely indicative of a separate, possibly serious condition.

Anxiety and Attachment

Anxious behavior was beneficial in evolution, when survival against wild creatures was heavily reliant on being close to an adult or a stronger caregiver. This process was managed by the attachment system—where vulnerable people innately sought out caregivers for protection, especially when they were stressed.

Fast forward a few thousand years, and this behavior can be found every once in a while in romantic relationships. People that exhibit clingy traits are likely to have anxious attachment styles towards their partners.

They may constantly worry about being underappreciated or abandoned in their relationships. You’ll find that a clingy person is constantly on the lookout for the first signs that their partner is pulling away from them.

To avoid this, and to feel more secure in their relationship, a clingy person may do everything they can to get closer to their partners emotionally. Unfortunately, this can end up smothering their significant others, and may even be responsible for driving a wedge in the relationship.

However, beyond affecting just partners, people that are clingy in relationships may be poorly adjusted. They also deny themselves the opportunity to fully enjoy their relationships.

How to Not Be Clingy

Although detaching yourself from a person you’re so invested in can be difficult, you can make some simple changes to avoid being clingy in a relationship.

Accept that there may be an issue

An important thing to do when making a change is to take personal inventory of your actions. By doing this, you can observe whether or not you are indeed clingy.

If you find that you are constantly seeking to communicate/meet up with your partner, or if you are tirelessly monitoring their activities on social media—there’s a high chance that you are clingy.

Accepting this fact frees you to take the steps necessary for changing your pattern of behavior. It is especially important to perform this exercise, because the word ‘clingy’ has significant power as an insult.

Look within yourself to determine if you fit the bill, or if a person is unfairly describing you in a certain way. After careful introspection, if your actions don’t qualify as clingy, simply focus on building a healthy relationship with your partner.

Talk to your partner about it

After accepting that you can come off as clingy, speaking to your partner about how your actions make them feel can put things into perspective. It can provide insight into the changes that are required to maintain healthy interactions.

Speaking about actions you take that set them off the most can be eye-opening. You can discuss a shared idea of what would qualify as wholesome, less-smothering communication in your relationship.

It may hurt to hear that the efforts you put into the relationship, seemingly to feel closer to your partner, are in fact backfiring. However, simply focus on the fact that your relationship is still standing, and can be salvaged with the right changes.

Take some time to focus on yourself

Take the time to re-discover yourself. What are the things you like to do? What are those books you’ve been meaning to read? Give them a shot.

When you feel the usual urge to reach out to your partner in quick succession, fight it off and use that trigger as a reminder to focus on a thing that benefits you directly.

This is not to say, however, that you should keep away from your partner. Rather, keeping your correspondence and hangouts to a time and frequency both of you agree is more suitable can help to strengthen your relationship.

Spend more time with friends

When you are in love, it’s easy to feel consumed by your feelings and focus all your energies on your partner. This can be unhealthy for other relationships and can strain the connection you already built with friends, long before the start of your relationship.

This will not only strengthen your bond with friends, but it can also serve as a welcome difference from being in constant contact with your partner.

Get help with managing anxiety

Because clinginess often stems from fears of being abandoned or replaced, it can be very helpful to your relationship and well-being to receive professional help if you are dealing with anxiety

Therapy can help you understand why you become so strongly attached to people, and can give useful tips for managing your attachments. This may convey benefits that not only promote your wellness, but can even strengthen your relationship.

If Your Partner Is Clingy

If you’re feeling smothered in your relationship because your partner is clingy, try these strategies:

Talk about it. Discuss the issue together, whether between yourselves or in counseling. Bringing it out into the open can help both of you explore and understand the reasons for their clingy behavior and address it in a healthy way.

Set healthy boundaries. Communicate them clearly so there’s no room for hurt or misunderstanding, and make them specific to your relationship. For example, if your partner calls you continuously while you’re at work, set a specific time for a call. If your partner won’t go to a social function alone, or will not tolerate you doing so, make it clear that doing some things independently is healthy and necessary for the relationship to continue. If your partner contacts you repeatedly while you are at such an event, tell them you’ll answer once and only once.

Reassure your partner. Explain that independence does not mean that you don’t care for them, and that the spaces in your relationship only strengthen the feelings you have for them.

If it’s just too much, get help. If the clinginess verges into stalking, harassment, physical or emotional aggression, or other dangerous behavior, involve the authorities.

Being in a new relationship can be exciting. However, if you’ve recently been through a breakup and aren’t over your ex yet, it may be a rebound relationship.

A rebound is often brief, and can be emotionally confusing, as you may be unsure of what you want and are still heavily emotionally engaged with the past, says Stein. “Most people find themselves in rebound relationships unconsciously, but sometimes it is very intentional.”

This article explores the characteristics of rebound relationships and how they can impact you.

Are You Ready for a Relationship? Take the Quiz

This fast and free quiz can help you determine whether or not you are truly ready for a new relationship.

This relationship quiz was medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Characteristics of a Rebound Relationship

These are some of the signs of rebound relationships, according to Stein:

• Recent breakup: The surest sign of a rebound relationship is that the person has recently come out of a serious relationship. 
• Comparisons to an ex: Another sign of a rebound relationship might include comparing a current partner to an ex—even favorably—as it is a sign that the previous relationship is still being worked through.
• Fear of commitment: Someone in a rebound relationship may want to avoid commitment.
• Rapid pace: On the other hand, someone in a rebound relationship may want to speed up the dating process to get back to the intimate and entwined state of their previous relationship.

Why People Seek Rebound Relationships

Below, Stein lists some of the reasons why people might seek rebound relationships.

To Get Over a Breakup

Often, rebound relationships are about the person who has been through a difficult breakup trying to meet their social, physical, and emotional needs. Sometimes this is at the expense of their new partner, who they might struggle to see fully with all the emotional turmoil they are experiencing.

To Form an Emotional Connection

A person might also seek out a rebound relationship to playfully begin to connect with others.

This process can sometimes this can be healing, if they’re honest and open with their partner about their emotional state and capacity. It can work to affirm their identity and make them feel excited about life again after a difficult breakup.

Having conscious awareness about one’s emotional needs and limitations following a breakup is very important for maintaining mental well-being, and can help prevent unhealthy behaviors to cover up or avoid negative emotions.

Impact of a Rebound Relationship

Rebound relationships can affect the mental health of both partners. Stein outlines some of the effects below.

Impact on Your Mental Health

If you have entered into a rebound relationship after a breakup, it’s important to check in with yourself to make sure there isn’t any emotional work you’re avoiding.

Breakups can be amazing learning opportunities, and sometimes rebound relationships can actually prevent growth and lead to stagnation. You might not truly process your past relationship or breakup, and miss the opportunity for personal growth that is tied to experiencing those negative emotions.

How it Affects Your Partner’s Mental Health 

Rebound relationships can be nurturing and healthy, if they are what both parties want and need at a particular moment in their lives.

However, if both parties are not on the same page about where they are emotionally, and one member is fully present in the relationship while the other is reacting to the past, it can be a challenge to both people’s well-being. 

If a relationship is making you feel less secure in yourself, it is worth exploring why you are in that relationship, and whether it’s really worth your time and energy.

Can Rebound Relationships Last?

“Rebound relationships typically last between one month and a year, and commonly struggle to last past the initial infatuation period. They are often not based on deep compatibility, so differences can start to strain the connection,” says Stein.

According to her, one or both members might also need to be single for a time, to actually perform the work for personal growth that should have occurred after their last breakup.

That said, she adds that rebound relationships can certainly turn into long-term, committed relationships.

In these scenarios, the relationship grows past its “rebound” status by no longer being a reactionary relationship, but instead evolving into a serious connection that is about the joyful present and building a future together, says Stein. “These relationships, like any healthy relationship, are based on mutual respect, trust, support for each other’s growth, and compassion.”

What to Do If You’re in a Rebound Relationship

If you find yourself in a rebound relationship, Stein recommends asking yourself whether this is a healthy situation for you. 

If you have begun a new relationship shortly after a breakup, she says to ask yourself the following questions:

• Am I processing the past relationship? 
• Have I learned from it? 
• Am I uncomfortable being alone? 
• Am I relying on someone else to validate my worth? 

If you are in a relationship with someone who is on the rebound, she says to ask yourself the following questions:

• Are my needs being met in this dynamic? 
• Does this person have the capacity for the kind of connection I want? 
• Do I feel lonely in this relationship? 
• Is there a third person in this relationship?

If you’re having a hard time exploring any issues that come up, it may be helpful to see a therapist.

Insecurity involves feeling inadequate, due to a lack of self-confidence. It can cause you to doubt your abilities, instincts, and relationships, making it difficult for you to believe in yourself and trust others.

Insecurity can be a painful and difficult emotion to experience. It can take a toll on your mental health as well as your relationships.

This article explores the signs, causes, and consequences of insecurity in relationships and suggests strategies to help you cope.

Signs of Insecurity in Relationships

In romantic relationships, insecurity can drive you to unhelpful thoughts and behaviors, which can include:

• Incessantly checking up on your partner if you’re not with them to determine their whereabouts
• Not trusting your partner to stay faithful to you and constantly worrying that they’re cheating on you
• Feeling jealous of all the other people in their life and resenting the other people they are close to
• Not taking your partner at their word and wanting to verify everything they tell you
• Feeling like your partner may break up with you at any time
• Fishing for compliments and validation to try and feel more secure

Causes of Insecurity in Relationships

These are some of the potential causes of insecurity in relationships, according to Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University in New York City.

An Unpleasant Previous Relationship

People who have experienced this often project their unresolved trauma or emotional baggage onto their new partner without adequate justification.

Low Self-Confidence

People with low self-confidence may experience insecurity in their relationships because they may not believe they are worthy of the love or support of their partner. 

Low self-confidence can often be traced back to experiences like being bullied, teased, or abused in childhood. These experiences can send the message that the person is not good enough, which can affect their confidence and take a toll on their relationships.

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Neglect or Mistreatment

People who have experienced chronic neglect or mistreatment tend to have insecurities in their relationships because they have had few occasions where their needs have been adequately met. 

When they do find fulfilling and healthy relationships, this might spark their fear of loss, because love was never guaranteed or freely given in the past.

Social Anxiety

While many people experience some degree of social anxiety in situations like meetings, parties, dates, and large gatherings, some people have more severe forms that can affect their self-confidence in relationships.

Social anxiety can cause you to be overly critical of yourself and make it difficult for you to trust your partner’s actions and intentions.

Fear of Rejection

Fear of rejection can cause people to experience insecurity in a relationship. Having low self-confidence can make some people more sensitive to rejection. Even minor setbacks or perceived slights can trigger their worst fears and insecurities.

Impact of Insecurity in Relationships

Below, Dr. Romanoff explains how insecurity can affect your mental health as well as your relationship with your partner. 

Impact on Mental Health

Insecurity impacts your mental health because, at the core, you believe you are not worthy or deserving of love and care. This will affect your romantic relationships as well as your relationships with your friends, co-workers, children, and family members. 

Because you are constantly questioning your self-worth, you might accept poor or abusive treatment from others, which reinforces your belief that you are unworthy based on your relationships.

Impact on Relationships

Insecurity impacts your relationship by creating an imbalance. You become more preoccupied with what your partner is not providing and instead demand reassurance or validation for your insecurities. 

How to Reduce Insecurity in Relationships

So what can you do to stop feeling insecure in your relationships? Dr. Romanoff suggests some strategies that can help you cope and feel more secure:

• Identify your triggers: Become more self-aware about situations that trigger your insecurity. Track topics or areas that prompt feelings of insecurity so you can begin to identify the problems you need to work on.
• Communicate with your partner: Engage in more open communication about your insecurities, how they arise in your relationship, and ways you can begin to work on them.
• Express how you feel: Aim to share your feelings with your partner without blaming them. For instance, instead of saying “You stress me out because…” say “I sometimes get stressed because…”
• Listen to your partner: Make an effort to listen to your partner with an open mind, so you can understand their perspective as well.
• Try journaling: It can be helpful to maintain a journal where you write down your thoughts when you feel insecure. The exercise can help you identify situations that trigger your insecurity. You could even undertake a couples journaling exercise, to help build trust between you and your partner.
• Consider going to a therapist: While insight and open communication are essential, sometimes you need perspective from a trained outside source to fully grasp how your insecurity is linked to more complex dynamics. In turn, your therapist can work with you to cope with your insecurity.

It’s common to think, “I’m not good at anything,” at one point or another. This thought may come to you when you are young and still trying to figure out what career you want to pursue or what your greater life purpose might be. It can come later in life, too, as you are changing career paths or feel like you aren’t living as meaningful or accomplished life as some of your peers.

Thinking “I’m not good at anything” often indicates that you are experiencing low self-esteem or self-doubt.

Some people can shake these thoughts off and move on, but it’s common to get bogged down in this thinking. If this type of thinking becomes dominant, it can be challenging to move past it. The truth is, though, that everyone is good at something, and usually, negative self-talk and low self-esteem hold people back from figuring out what that something is.

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What “I’m Not Good at Anything” Feels Like

Feeling like you are not good at anything indicates that you are experiencing low self-esteem and a poor self-image. Often, feelings of low self-esteem are correlated with feelings of anxiety and depression. Negative self-thoughts can impact your performance and experience at school and work and can even negatively impact your interpersonal relationships.

Let’s take a look at how these negative thoughts are typically experienced:

Playing the Comparison Game

You may be grappling with your purpose in life and feel like you lack talents or gifts. This thought often comes when you compare yourself to others. You may look at social media, TV, magazines, and the news and feel like all you see are successful, self-confident people who seem to have found their purpose in life.

Harping on Past Failures

You may also be going through a list of ways you perceive yourself as unsuccessful. You may think back on a time that you tried to pursue an interest or applied for a job, and failed in some way. You may be thinking of times you received low grades in school, times that you were put down by others, or times that you felt unappreciated.

An Inability to Try New Things

You may consider trying something new or pursuing a hobby you might enjoy, but your negative thoughts are likely stopping you from doing so. You might imagine yourself being good at something momentarily but then immediately think of how you could fail.

Besides “I’m not good at anything,” some of the other thoughts you may be having at this time may include:

• “I have no talents.”
• “I am not interesting, and no one is interested in me.”
• “There is no point in me trying to be good at anything.”
• “Everyone else but me is happy and successful.”
• “I’ll never be good at school or work.”
• “There’s no reason for me to try something because I won’t be good at it.”
• “I’m a failure.”

It’s important to understand that these types of thoughts are simply thoughts. They don’t necessarily express the reality of your life. They are examples of negative self-talk and usually perpetuate a cycle of more negative thoughts, piled one upon the other.

Identifying the Causes

There are several different dynamics that might be at play that are contributing to your feeling of not being good at anything. Often, the reason someone has these thoughts is because of a combination of personality traits, upbringing, and life experiences.

Understanding what may be causing these thoughts will help you figure out how to move past them.

Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem is probably the most common trigger of thinking you are not good at anything. As the American Psychological Association (APA) describes, low self-esteem has to do with how you perceive yourself.

Your self-esteem encompasses your self-image and how you view your achievements and abilities. It also reflects how you think that others perceive and respond to you.

Studies have shown that higher self-esteem and self-image can have positive impacts on life experiences.

Negative Self-Talk

It may not feel like it, but we are constantly telling stories about ourselves in our minds. Thoughts like, “I’m not good at anything” are an example of negative self-talk, and can have real impacts on how we perceive ourselves, our relationships, and what we can pursue in life.

Studies have found that repeatedly engaging in negative self-talk can have strong effects on our mental health and can increase anxiety and depression.

For example, people who adopt more optimistic attitudes about life tend to experience greater physical and mental well-being and quality of life.

Relationships

The company we keep can significantly impact how we see ourselves and what we perceive to be our strengths and weaknesses. Being in a close relationship with someone quick to put you down, who believes you are untalented or worthless somehow, can negatively affect your self-esteem.

Conversely, research has found that relationships with supportive, encouraging, and accepting people can boost self-esteem. The effects of this may be cumulative, too.

Childhood Traumas

Unfortunately, experiencing adverse childhood experiences or traumas can have lifelong impacts on self-esteem and self-image. Studies have found this to be particularly true when it comes to household dysfunction and abuse.

Children who lived in homes with high levels of dysfunction or who experienced abuse were more likely to have lower self-esteem as grownups.

How to Cope

Fortunately, there are several things you can do to break the cycle of negative thinking and the idea that you are not good at anything. Here are some ideas.

Take a Social Media Break

Most people rely on social media to connect with others, get news, and keep up with current trends. But there’s a dark side to social media, and that’s that it can negatively impact self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.

Taking a break from social media can give you a chance to stop engaging in the comparison game that social media seems to encourage, and to focus on improving your own self-image, mental health, and well-being.

Learn to Accept Compliments

People who think they are not good at anything often won’t believe others when they point out what they are good at. Simply put, people with low self-esteem aren’t very good at accepting compliments.

If this is true of you, you might consider a little exercise. Note each time someone attempts to compliment you and see what happens if you accept it. Yes, you might initially feel that you are faking it to some extent. But if you continue accepting compliments, you might change your thinking about how others perceive you and your ability to perceive yourself in the same light.

Try Journaling

Writing down your thoughts can be a powerful way to sort out your feelings and understand them. First, write down your thoughts and feelings to help identify them. Understanding what’s going on with you is the first step to starting to feel better.

If you notice that your thoughts seem to be dominated by negative thinking and low self-confidence, you might want to try something different: a gratitude journal. One of the best ways to turn negative thinking around is to start a gratitude journal, and studies have found a relationship between gratitude and self-esteem.

Try Therapy

Therapy is a great way to work on your self-esteem and self-image. Therapy can help you better understand what is causing you to feel this way, but even more importantly, it can help you practice ways of managing your negative thoughts.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy focuses on identifying negative thoughts, learning techniques for retraining thought patterns and adopting a more positive mindset.

Identify the Gifts That Come From Within

An impactful way to combat the thought “I’m not good at anything” is to reframe what being good at something really means. When most of us think of being good at something, we think of things like getting a high-powered job, getting into a good college, having some admired talents, or having a happy relationship or marriage.

Your gifts may be less obvious or “showy” but are still just as meaningful. Being a good friend, a good listener, or someone who is kind and patient, are special gifts. Similarly, having lived through difficult circumstances and learning to persevere despite challenges is most definitely a gift and something to be proud of.

See what happens when you sit down and list the talents that are more inward and have to do with personality qualities that make you a good person and positive contributor to making the world a better place.

Keep in Mind

“I’m not good at anything” is a very powerful statement, and if you say it often enough, you will start to believe it. But a statement like this is just a thought you are telling yourself. It comes from a place of low self-esteem and is not your reality.

Everyone on earth has something that they are good at—simply getting up in the morning and starting your day is an accomplishment in and of itself. Identifying your talents and strengths might take a while, but they are there. You owe it to yourself to do a little digging and change your mindset to think more positively about your self-worth.