Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

When you think about OCD, someone obsessively cleaning or double-checking the locks might come to mind. However, OCD can present in many different ways. How symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) are experienced vary widely from person to person. Clinicians and researchers suggest that OCD can be divided into different types based on the nature of the symptoms experienced, resulting in several OCD subtypes.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR) provides a broad definition of obsessive-compulsive disorder that includes the presence of obsessions and/or compulsions that cause major distress or disruption to daily living. There are also other disorders that include elements of obsession or compulsion.

Main OCD Subtypes

The five main subtypes of OCD are:

1. Contamination obsessions with cleaning compulsions
2. Harm obsessions with checking compulsions
3. Obsessions without compulsions
4. Symmetry obsessions with ordering compulsions
5. Hoarding

Symptoms of the Different OCD Subtypes

Although specific symptom types appear to be relatively stable over time, it is possible to experience a change in the nature and focus of your symptoms. Additionally, although the majority of your symptoms might be consistent with a particular symptom subtype, it is possible to experience symptoms of multiple OCD subtypes at the same time.

Contamination Obsessions With Washing/Cleaning Compulsion

If you struggle with the contamination subtype of OCD, then you may experience intense discomfort or anxiety about things being dirty or contaminated with germs. In order to cope with these obsessive feelings, you may then wash or clean excessively to find relief and alleviate feelings of anxiety.

For example, you might feel that your hands are dirty or contaminated after touching a doorknob or worry that you will contaminate others with your germs. To get rid of these feelings, you might wash your hands repeatedly for hours at a time.

Harm Obsessions With Checking Compulsions

If you experience this symptom subtype, you will often have intense thoughts related to possible harm to yourself or others. You use checking rituals to relieve your distress.

For example, you might imagine your house burning down, then repeatedly drive by your house to make sure that there is no fire. Or, you may feel that by simply thinking about a disastrous event, you are increasing the likelihood of such an event actually happening.

Obsessions Without Visible Compulsions

This symptom subtype, sometimes referred to as purely obsessional or pure O OCD, often relates to unwanted obsessions surrounding sexual, religious, or aggressive themes. For example, you could experience intrusive thoughts about being a rapist or that you will attack someone.

You may often use mental rituals such as reciting particular words, counting in your head, or praying to relieve the anxiety you experience when you have these involuntary thoughts. You will usually avoid riggers related to obsessions at all costs.

Symmetry Obsessions With Ordering, Arranging, and Counting Compulsions

When experiencing this subtype, you feel a strong need to arrange and rearrange objects until they are “just right.” For example, you might feel the need to constantly arrange your shirts so that they are ordered precisely by color.

This symptom subtype can also involve thinking or saying sentences or words over and over again until the task is accomplished perfectly. Sometimes these ordering, arranging, and counting compulsions are carried out to ward off potential danger. For example, you might think, “If I arrange my desk perfectly, my husband won’t die in a car accident.” However, having such thoughts isn’t always the case with this subtype.

Hoarding

While hoarding has long been conceptualized as a variant of OCD, it is now recognized as a distinct diagnosis in the DSM-5-TR. Hoarding involves the collection of items that are judged to be of limited value by others, such as old magazines, clothes, receipts, junk mail, notes, or containers. Often, your living space becomes so consumed with clutter that it becomes impossible to live in.

People affected by the hoarding symptom subtype tend to experience higher anxiety and depression than people with other subtypes. They are often unable to maintain steady employment. Importantly, compulsive hoarding can occur independently of OCD.

Other OCD Subtypes

In addition to the main subtypes of OCD, a few others may also be commonly seen. Some of these include:

Relationship OCD

Relationship OCD is a subtype that involves experiencing obsessive and compulsive thoughts related to a person’s romantic relationship. It is often marked by severe fears and doubts about the relationship, including whether their partner loves them, excessive concern for their partner’s happiness, or wondering if they could find a better partner.

“Just Right” OCD

“Just right” OCD is driven by a general feeling that things are not quite right. To deal with this feeling, people often engage in compulsive behaviors related to counting, straightening, touching tapping, or lining things up.

False Memory OCD 

People with this OCD subtype experience frequent doubting thoughts. For example, they might worry about things they may have accidentally done in the past, such as whether they accidentally stole something or forgot to pay for something at the store. 

Magical Thinking OCD

People with this type of OCD often engage in magical thinking, believing that if they don’t engage in certain behaviors, completely unrelated events will occur. For example, they might believe something terrible will happen to a loved one if they don’t look at their phone at 8:15 every night.

Obsessive-Compulsive Related Disorders

The latest edition of the DSM included new definitions of these disorders or moved them to this category.

• Skin picking disorder (excoriation): The DSM-5-TR recognized this disorder as a distinct diagnosis. It involves persistent picking at the skin that results in lesions, infections, and clinically significant distress. It is prevalent in approximately 3.45% of the population.
• Hair-pulling disorder (trichotillomania): In this OCD-related disorder, you have a strong urge to pull the hair from your head, eyebrows, eyelashes, or elsewhere on your body. It is usually treated with habit-reversal training and cognitive-behavioral therapy.
• Body dysmorphic disorder: This disorder is a “preoccupation with one or more perceived defects or flaws in appearance that are not observable or appear slight to others.” The criteria include repetitive behaviors of grooming or checking appearance, or mental acts such as constantly comparing your appearance to others. Muscle dysmorphia is a subtype of body dysmorphic disorder.
• OCD and related disorders induced by a substance/medication or due to another medical condition: Exposure to certain substances and medications can induce the development of OCD symptoms. There also are certain medical and neurological conditions—including Tourette’s syndrome—that can be associated with the development of the disorder.

In addition, although it is not uncommon for new mothers to experience a wide array of emotions following the arrival of a new child, the postpartum period has long been known to be a time of increased risk for the appearance, worsening, or recurrence of mood and anxiety disorders.

OCD Subtypes in Children

Although many people think of OCD as a disorder that affects only adults, a similar percentage of children are also affected. While there are many similarities between adult-onset and childhood-onset OCD, there are also many important differences—particularly with respect to treatment and the nature of symptoms.

Children with PANDAS develop OCD or tic disorders suddenly after a strep infection (such as strep throat) or scarlet fever (or have a worsening of existing OCD symptoms). Studies at the National Institute of Mental Health have shown that a strep infection can produce cross-reactive “anti-brain” antibodies that produce the symptoms of PANDAS in children between the age of three and puberty.

Treatment for OCD Subtypes

Choosing a course of treatment for OCD depends on several factors, including:

• What has worked in the past
• Your attitudes toward medication
• Your motivation to undergo exposure response prevention (ERP) or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)
• The severity of your symptoms
• The presence of other disorders such as depression

An exception may be hoarding, which does not seem to improve with medication but does seem to respond to psychotherapy. Discuss with a psychologist or physician the ways in which ERP, CBT, and medication can be adjusted for maximum benefit based on your symptoms.

To gaslight someone means to manipulate them by causing them to question their experiences, feelings, perceptions, and understanding of events.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse because it can cause someone to doubt their own sanity, says Kristin Wilson, MA, LPC, CCTP, RYT, chief experience officer at Newport Healthcare.

If you or a loved one are experiencing gaslighting, recognizing the signs is the first step toward putting a stop to it and reclaiming your reality.

Common Tactics Used in Gaslighting

According to Wilson, some common gaslighting tactics include:

• Denial: The abuser denies certain events or conversations, making the victim question their memory.
• Blatant lies: The abuser tells outright lies, making the victim doubt their own understanding of the truth.
• Misdirection: The abuser changes the subject or redirects the conversation to confuse the victim.
• Minimization: The abuser downplays the victim’s feelings, making them feel like their concerns are insignificant or like they’re being overly sensitive.
• Projection: The abuser projects their behavior onto the victim by accusing the victim of behavior that they themselves are guilty of, in order to deflect blame onto the victim.
• Erosion: The abuser uses subtle or overt techniques to erode the victim’s confidence.
• Doubt: The abuser causes the victim to doubt their reality.
• Proxy: The abuser enlists others to validate their false narratives or discredit the victim.

Gaslighting can have a profound impact on the victim’s mental and emotional well-being, leading to feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and a loss of trust in oneself and others, says Wilson. “Victims of gaslighting often experience anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and a sense of isolation, as their reality is continuously invalidated by the abuser.”

Take the Gaslighting Quiz

This free quiz can help you determine whether gaslighting is happening in your relationship or friendship.

This gaslighting quiz was medically reviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFT.

Everyday Examples of Gaslighting in Different Settings—And How to Respond

Gaslighting can often be subtle and difficult to spot. These are some examples of gaslighting in different settings and what you can say or do in response.

Gaslighting in Personal Relationships

These are some examples of gaslighting in personal relationships with friends and family members:

• Insisting something never happened: “I never said that. You must be imagining things. You’re always making things up.”
• Minimizing your concerns: “Why are you overreacting? It’s not a big deal. You’re just being too sensitive. Stop making mountains out of molehills.”
• Using others to validate their claims: “Even they agree with me. You’re the only one who thinks this way.”

Gaslighting in Professional Settings

These are some examples of gaslighting in professional settings with colleagues, managers, and subordinates:

• Taking credit for your work instead of acknowledging your contributions: “That project’s success was all thanks to me and my brilliant ideas.”
• Blaming you for the failure of a project instead of taking responsibility for it: “The reason my project failed is because you didn’t give me enough support.”
• Dismissing your qualifications: “You wouldn’t understand this; it’s too complicated for someone like you.”
• Invalidating your ideas: “That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard. It would never work.”
• Disrespecting you when you correct them: “I’ve been doing this a lot longer than you have. Don’t tell me how to do my job.”

Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships

These are some examples of gaslighting in romantic relationships:

• Denying fault: “That never happened. You’re just making things up to create drama.”
• Lying to you: “We never said we would be exclusive. You must have misunderstood.”
• Blaming you for their actions: “I wouldn’t get so angry if you didn’t provoke me all the time. It’s your fault I behave this way.”
• Isolating you: “Your friends are toxic and don’t have your best interests at heart. You’re better off without them. Don’t go out without me.”
• Making you doubt your sanity: “You need to get your head straight.”

Gaslighting in Medical Settings

These are some examples of gaslighting in medical settings with healthcare providers:

• Downplaying your symptoms: “It’s all in your head. There’s nothing physically wrong with you.”
• Dismissing your concerns: “That’s just a minor issue; you’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
• Ignoring your inputs: “You’re not a doctor; you should trust my judgment about what’s best for you.”
• Giving you false reassurance: “You’re too young to have anything serious. It’s probably nothing to worry over.”

Research shows that minority groups such as BIPOC people and LGBTQIA+ people are more likely to face medical gaslighting.

How to Cope With the Effects of Being Gaslighted

Coping with gaslighting can be challenging, but there are several strategies that may help, according to Wilson:

• Trust your instincts: Don’t dismiss your emotions as invalid or irrational. Pay attention to your feelings and perceptions. Recognize that they are valid.
• Maintain a journal: Document incidents of gaslighting to help you see patterns of behavior and retain clarity about what’s happening.
• Seek support: Talk to friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide understanding and validation.
• Focus on self-care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being and build your self-confidence.
• Consider professional help: If gaslighting is affecting your mental health or well-being, seeking therapy or counseling can help you navigate the emotional effects and develop coping strategies.

So you recently started dating someone and it’s going really well. You’ve been hanging out for about a month now and things feel like they’re heading in the direction of a relationship, but how do you know when you’re ready to take that next step?

This is an age-old question with an answer that is entirely dependent on the circumstance, however, the “three-month dating rule” would tell you to wait a little longer.

Enter: The three-month rule. This guidance in dating has risen in popularity over the last couple of years, especially on TikTok and other social media platforms. But how much actual logic or benefit is there to this assertion?

What the three-month rule entails can differ slightly from couple to couple, but as a general rule, it says new couples should take the first 3 months as a trial period, without making any big commitments during that time frame.

So, is the three-month rule something that’s right for you? Here, we’ll look at the benefits and drawbacks of the rule, and how it might work in practice. 

What is the Three-Month Rule?

The three-month dating rule basically insists that 3 months is the ideal amount of time for you to get a genuine idea or full picture of the person you’re dating. The goal is to help you weed out people who might be love-bombing, or secretly toxic, or just putting on a good face in the early phases of dating when, in actuality, they aren’t so great.

So, you may want to hold off on making things official, for example, for the first three months of dating. Some people may want to go further, and hold off on physical intimacy, or kissing, for the first three months—there’s no hard and fast definition of the three-month rule. 

The three-month rule has gained traction on social media, particularly on TikTok, with users saying that it’s when the infatuation, or honeymoon, stage often ends. It’s when you’ll see who your partner really is, and you’ll be able to truly figure out how compatible you are. 

After this time, the rush of exciting dates can die off, being replaced with a return to everyday monotony. As a result, some people can leave relationships at this point to chase their next high. 

“The early stages of dating can be pretty intense, filled with fireworks and newness,” explains Adrianna Holness, PhD, a psychologist specializing in dating therapy. “But, during these early months, people might not fully reveal their true selves, and their judgment could be clouded by strong emotions. The three-month rule suggests waiting it out to see if things fizzle or if there’s something real there. It’s about getting to know the not-so-shiny parts of someone before getting too attached.”

It’s worth looking at constraint commitments here. These are forces that can keep a couple together even if one (or both) of them would prefer to leave the relationship. There are perceived constraints, such as social pressure to stay together or the difficulties of ending the relationship, material constraints, like having a pet or renting a place together, and felt constraints, like feeling trapped.

After just three months, you aren’t likely to have so many constraints yet. Therefore, leaving at the three-month point can be easier. 

We don’t know exactly where the rule came from. However, in an opinion piece from 2010, the writer Ami Angelowicz said that it takes “at least three months” before you can be invested in the long-term potential of a relationship.

Pros and Cons of This Rule

When we enter into a new relationship, or begin dating someone new, and enter the honeymoon phase, we can often gloss over any potential negatives, only focusing on the good. This can make things more difficult later on, when the honeymoon period wears off and we start to focus more on the bad. 

Take, for example, if someone is untidy. Initially, you might gloss over their untidyness, even if you like to keep things tidy yourself. However, a few months down the line, their untidyness might start to really annoy you, and even deter you from wanting to move in with them. 

And, the rule allows you to slow down the dating experience, something that can really benefit you and your partner in the long run. Often, we can keep looking for the next best thing – slowing dating down, and really getting to know one another, can change our mindset.

One drawback, however, is that you might spend longer in the relationship than you intend to. Say you aren’t sure how you feel, but you’re planning on sticking it out until three months anyway. Even if you decide to end it, you might still have developed feelings over that time, making the experience of ending the relationship more raw. 

And, the rule might encourage some people to stay in relationships for longer than they would otherwise. You don’t have to stay in a relationship you aren’t enjoying just because you like the sound of the three-month rule – you’re allowed to leave a relationship whenever you like. 

The three-month rule can be great, but you don’t have to stick to it hard and fast.

The Three-Month Dating Rule in Practice

It’s important to remember that there are different variations of the rule, with no single right way to follow it. Some people don’t mind giving their relationship a label before three months, but others won’t make it official until after three months.

For some people, holding off on having sex until after three months might feel right. For others, physical intimacy can occur earlier.

Some Possible Scenarios

Perhaps you’ve hit three months and then the person you’re dating breaks things off. It’s only natural to feel sad or disappointed, but it’s worth remembering that they’re doing you a favor by being clear and giving you the opportunity to move on. 

If you’re getting to the three-month mark and it’s you who’s losing feelings, it’s best to be honest and upfront about it so the person you’re dating is aware of how you feel. It’ll improve the chances of you both being able to part ways amicably, and give them the chance to get back into the dating game. 

Maybe you’re approaching three months and you’ve noticed something changing, like your partner taking longer to respond to messages. In this sort of situation, communication is key. Your partner might be losing feelings, but at the same time, they may be dealing with anything from work stress to health worries to family issues.

If you’ve hit the three-month stage and things seem to be going well—ie you’re happy and you’ve not noticed any changes in your partner’s vibe—it’s fine to keep things going as they are! Even if you aren’t totally sure whether they’re perfect for you, there’s no harm in waiting until you’re six months in, for example. Just make sure you’re both on the same page so you don’t end up trapped in an endless situationship.

Is It Effective?

Particularly if you have a tendency to rush into relationships, you might find the three-month rule effective, and useful for you. But, at the same time, it’s not necessarily for everyone. There are couples who make things official straight away and move in together and get married all in the space of a couple of years, and are deeply in love. Everyone moves at a different pace, so while the three-month rule will work for some, others might find it too slow or even too fast. 

And, people who are dealing with other things may not be ready to commit to someone after three months. Whether they’re dealing with stress in other aspects of their life, past traumas, or just changes in their personal circumstances, they might find that three months isn’t sufficient. 

What if one of you wants to follow the rule, while another doesn’t? For Lily Womble, a feminist dating coach, the Founder and CEO of Date Brazen and author of the book Thank You, More Please: A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love, communication is key. “Asking for what you want means you’re more likely to find it and receive it,” she says.

“If you want to move slower in a new relationship and the other person doesn’t, it might not be the right fit. In that case, it might be time for what I call a “Bless and Release.” This is a moment for radically honest and kind communication. Express what you want and expect the other person to have a healthy conversation about it. You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.”

Alternatives to the Three-Month Rule

The three-month rule may not be right for everyone. One study from 2010 found that dedication, as well as material and perceived constraints, positively predict relationship longevity, while felt constraints negatively predict it.

Better yet, you could simply do away with these sorts of rules, and take things as they come from relationship to relationship. You might date someone and still have reservations after the three-month mark, and then date somebody else and feel ready to commit after just one month.

It can be useful to use the three-month rule as more of a rough guide, instead. Maybe you don’t want to stick to the rule to the point where you suppress your feelings. Be flexible, and pay attention to your gut. 

“Instead of a strict timeline, focus on open communication and getting to know each other’s values, goals, and communication styles,” says Dr. Holness. “Pay attention to how someone treats you and if your needs are being met. Seek advice from a relationship counselor or therapist to navigate the early stages of the relationship with a clear and healthy mindset.”

Womble says, “Taking unhurried time on dates with someone to determine whether or not you want to commit long term is a good practice, however, I think a three-month rule is arbitrary and not absolutely necessary to finding and being in the right relationship.”

As Dr. Holness sums up, “The three-month dating rule can be a helpful guideline for some, providing time to gain clarity and build a strong foundation. But, it’s important to remember that every relationship is unique. Flexibility, open communication, and understanding your own needs and those of your partner are key to determining what works best for your relationship. Whether you follow the three-month rule or another approach, the goal is to foster a healthy, supportive, and fulfilling relationship.”

When we think of a “break” in a relationship, what comes to mind is generally some kind of temporary separation. Such breaks can serve a variety of purposes. For some couples, it can be a way to get some breathing room if the relationship has reached a boiling point.

Time apart can help people calm down and return to the situation with a cooler head. In other cases, these breaks are meant to help people sort out how they feel about the relationship and how they want to move forward.

A lot of people assume that taking a break means the relationship is on the course toward an actual breakup, but this isn’t always the case. The key is what comes next when you press play again. How do you reconnect after a break and move forward with the relationship? It might seem daunting, but with the right approach, it can be a learning experience that strengthens your bond.

Can a Relationship Come Back from a Break?

Reconnecting after a relationship breakup isn’t all that uncommon. Research has found that around half of young adults report breaking up and later reconciling. In many cases, this can be a way to learn more about yourself so you can come back to the relationship with greater self-awareness and a stronger sense of commitment.

For some, however, breaking up and getting back together can become a pattern that might negatively affect future relationships. If you fall into the sort of “relationship churn,” as researchers call it, you might be more likely to break up again–and repeat that pattern in future relationships.

So, if you’re wondering, “Can we really come back again after a break?,” the answer to that question really depends on you and your partner. If you are both committed to trying again, then there’s a strong chance you can successfully reconnect. Here’s how to do it.

Tips to Reconnect

If you think reconnecting is in the cards, there are some important steps to take before you begin and once you start to reforge that connection. Kate Engler, LMFT, CST, a licensed couples and sex therapist at Three Points Relationships, recommends asking yourself some of the following questions to assess your readiness and to prepare for a reconnection:

• “How has the relationship contributed to the person I am today?”
• “What kind of person do I want to be now and in five years?’
• “What is my ideal way to handle disputes and resentments?”
• “What are my partner’s biggest concerns about the relationship, and what truths in those concerns can I acknowledge?”
• “What fears do I have about staying together versus staying apart?”
• “What will working on the relationship look like for us?”
• “What do I need to hear or see from my partner to show that they understand what hurts me in a relationship?”

Take Time to Reflect and Heal

When you are apart, it’s essential to use the time to reflect on the relationship and work on healing before you decide to try to reconnect after a relationship break. 

“The break itself can be useful for reducing intensity, but if the partners don’t take time to reflect and heal, it is highly unlikely that the issues that caused the break in the first place will change,” says Engler.

When working with couples, Engler recommends people spend time reflecting on their own role in relationship issues, their reactive patterns, and any resentments they might be holding onto. It’s all-too-easy to focus on what our partners have done wrong, she says. While relationships are co-created, you only have control over yourselves, so Engler says you should focus your time and energy on that.

Address Individual Issues That Are Affecting Your Relationship

“The most important work the two people can do to help the relationship at any stage is their own individual work, and this is particularly important during a break,” says integrative therapist Renée Zavislak, MS, MA, LMFT. “When we are in the active conflict that tends to precipitate a relationship break, it’s easy to stay focused on the other person: what they are doing that we dislike or not doing that we want, how they “make” us feel, etc.”

Zavislak explains that many of our reactions in relationships are based on earlier attachment relationships–patterns we learned from parents, caregivers, and past romantic partners. Focusing on resolving these individual issues can help us return to the relationship, heal past traumas, and be more present in the relationship.

Acknowledge the Past

Rekindling a connection after a relationship break requires acknowledging past mistakes. Holding onto emotional wounds increases the likelihood that those same issues will rear their heads again in the future.

It’s important to remember that ignoring previous problems will not make them disappear, but acknowledging them does not mean you condone them. 

The key is to recognize what happened, practice forgiveness, and reaffirm your commitment to work together once you reconnect. This can help restore the intimacy and connection you once shared.

“This isn’t to gloss over issues, especially those that are problematic or toxic, but looking at both the good and the bad allows for a more comprehensive exploration and positions us to make clear-minded choices about if and how we want to reconnect,” she explains.

Check Your Ego

Our egos can have a significant, and sometimes damaging, impact on our relationship, yet Zavislak says that most of us don’t understand exactly how this works.

“The ego is not inherently good or bad, and no one has a “big” ego compared to anyone else. Rather, the ego is a voice that forms in childhood based on what we are told about ourselves and the world. The ego’s job is to protect us from hurtful truths about ourselves,” she explains.

However, that can be a problem if we hold inaccurate or untruthful beliefs. If we believe that we are unloveable based on our earlier experiences, any criticism from our partners might be interpreted as “proof” of what we already (inaccurately) believe is true.

“There can be no repair without accountability,” Zavislak says. Taking that break to understand your own reactions and gain those insights is crucial to healing and supporting a healthier relationship.

Avoid Projection

As you reconnect after a relationship break, Zavislak also suggests checking for projection, a classic defense mechanism that often comes into play when people are experiencing relationship discord.

“Projection happens when an individual has an urge or belief or quality about which they feel shame, so they project it onto another,” she explains. “This belief can become a lens through which we mistakenly interpret slights in relationships as proof of something much harsher.”

Try Not to Be Defensive

Defensiveness is another defense mechanism that leads to breakups and makes reconnecting much more challenging. “By the time a couple finds themselves on a break or breakup, they have likely been immersed in blame and defensiveness,” Zavislak says. 

Being on a break is a great opportunity to work through this tendency and rebuild the relationship without making the same missteps. Journaling, role-playing conversations with a trusted friend, and talking to a therapist can be great ways to work through such issues.

Talk About It

Reconnecting after a relationship break can be a complex process, so open and honest communication is critical. You should discuss why you took a break in the first place, what getting back together means, and how you want to move forward.

Everyone brings their own unique experiences, intentions, and expectations to a relationship. When you talk about these factors openly, you can reconnect in a way that establishes greater trust, which can ultimately put your relationship on a more positive path as you move forward.

Once each person has had time to reflect and gain insight, the next step toward reconnecting is to start moving back toward one another by initiating a conversation.

Zavislak suggests visualizing this conversation and practicing it in your head first. She also says that this conversation should be had in person and not through text, email, or voicemail.

What happens if this conversation becomes an airing of past grievances? Zavislak recommends using the Gottman strategy for processing unfortunate incidents. This method utilizes “I feel” statements that minimize defensiveness and allow you to talk about the problem without getting dragged back into the same arguments.

Keep Communicating

Reconnecting after a break in a relationship also requires having difficult conversations. To do this, it’s vital that you both feel safe sharing your feelings and your fears.

Engler suggests that the following questions can be helpful to build understanding and empathy as you reconnect:

• “I’m not sure I fully understand where you are coming from, can you say more?”
• “That’s hard for me to hear, but I’m glad you told me. Is there anything else you want me to know?”
• “What was the hardest part of the break for you?”
• “What are your biggest fears/worries about reconnecting?”
• “How would you like me to bring up hard topics in the future??

“When in doubt, reflect back what you hear from your partner and give them plenty of time to share their thoughts/feelings/emotions and be understood before you bring your own issues to the table,” says Engler.

As you have such conversations, listen actively and validate each other’s feelings. By being patient and using empathic listening, you’ll see things from each other’s perspective more clearly—and look for ways to align your goals and plans as a couple as you reconnect.

But remember that this isn’t a one-time discussion. Communication is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship, so keep having these conversations to help each person feels heard and understood.

Respect Boundaries

As you start this process of reconnecting after a relationship break, remember that you don’t want to rush things. If you jump right back in where you left off, you run the risk of also jumping right back to the same mistakes and problems that drove you apart in the first place. 

Through this process, it’s vital to respect one another’s boundaries. First, you need to figure out what those boundaries are, Engler says. Without doing this, you’ll only recognize them when they’ve been crossed. Plus, you can’t tell your partner about your boundaries unless you identify them first.

But how do you communicate your boundaries once you’ve identified them? “Clear and kind is the name of the game on this part,” Engler says. “Framing boundaries as demands is not helpful and sets partners up as adversaries.”

She offers the following example: You might say, “I know that it’s important for us to spend time together while we are reconnecting. I want to do that, but for me, moving slowly is really important so that I can manage my emotions well and not fall into old habits” rather than, “I get that you want to spend time together, but you need to back off!”

How Long Is Our Break Supposed to Last? 

There is no single answer that is right for every situation. In many cases, it really depends on the couple, the problem, and each person’s unique needs. 

For some couples, having a few days or a week apart can be enough to get some perspective and come back with greater clarity. Other couples may need a few weeks or even months apart to heal before they think about reconnecting.

The important thing is to establish some time limits and ground rules at the start of the break. Create a tentative timeframe for how long you think you’ll need to be apart. Be aware that some flexibility is needed, but agree on a time when you might start talking about reassessing your needs and reconnecting as a couple.

Dos and Don’ts When You’re on a Break

What should you do when you’re on a break?

• Do set ground rules: When you decide to take a break, be clear about what the rules, expectations, and boundaries are. Can you date other people when you are on a break? If you plan for the break to be brief, dating other people should probably be off the table. 
• Do communicate: Check in with each other periodically to keep the lines of communication open and ensure that you are both still on the same page.
• Do focus on self-care: Now is the time to take care of yourself and prioritize your mental health. This time of self-discovery can help you learn more about yourself and what’s important to you in a relationship.

What shouldn’t you do during a break?

• Don’t act impulsively: Avoid making sudden decisions that might endanger the relationship’s future. 
• Don’t ignore the issues: A break can be a chance to focus on your own concerns, evaluate what you want, and come back with a fresh perspective. The issues with your relationship won’t go away on their own, so now is the time to work through them and address them.
• Don’t rush the decision: Even if you’ve agreed on a timeline at the beginning of the break, don’t feel rushed to make a decision if you aren’t ready. Reconnecting after a break can only be successful if you’ve done the work and prepared yourself to begin again.

When your partner is visibly upset, at the very top of your mind are the different ways you can help them feel better. However, this can get a little complicated when your typically bubbly, chatty, or loving partner reclines into themselves without giving any explanation as to why, or worse—denying that anything is wrong in the first place.

Dealing with an upset, yet uncommunicative partner can be very discouraging. Part of your frustration may be due to the fact that, as licensed professional counselor Kathryn Ely notes, “You cannot force another person to communicate with you if they are not ready to do so.”

Signs Your Partner Might Be Upset

When your partner doesn’t share what they are feeling or admit to changes in their behavior, this can be confusing. You might wonder if you’re imagining the increased silence, or you may start to question whether you’re reading too much into their actions.

If you’re not sure what is going on with your partner, the following behaviors can be an indication that they may be upset.

They’ve Started to Pull Away From You

If you must go to the deep recesses of your mind to recall the last time you shared a lingering embrace with your partner, went on a walk with them, or even just sat down to watch TV together, this could be a sign that the intimacy in your relationship is missing. 

If you attempt to initiate little bonding moments with your partner, only to have them shut your plans down or cancel with flimsy excuses, this could also be a clear indicator that they are upset.

Your Conversations Seem to Have Double Meanings

A partner who is upset can sometimes be skilled at making innuendos. An example is if you ask if something is bothering them, and they respond with, “Why would I be upset? Did you do anything wrong?” This type of response may be telling you that something is indeed wrong—and they think that you’re to blame.

Your Partner Is Showing You Less Affection

If your partner routinely did things like brewing your morning coffee or rubbing your feet after a long day, only to stop those actions without warning or reason—they may be leaving not-so-subtle cues to alert you of their annoyance.

Communication With Them Has Become Strained

It can be painful to go from wrestling with your partner on who hangs up the phone first to barely being able to spend five minutes on a call with them. When you find that texting, phone calls, or in-person conversations are feeling labored, this could be a sign that your partner is upset about something.

Reasons Your Partner May Not Tell You Why They’re Upset

There may be any number of reasons your partner may choose to remain quiet when they are clearly upset. One is simply that they’re not ready to open up. “If your partner’s upset but won’t admit it, they may not be ready to talk about it,” says Kristen Mark, PhD, a sex and relationship expert. 

Ely adds that, for some people, it may be difficult to share what’s on their minds. “Some people avoid conflict at all costs and never speak up when upset,” she says.

This is especially true for people who are uncomfortable with confrontation, choosing instead to deal with things their way. Yet, this failure to deal with things head-on “can lead to resentment and distance in a relationship,” says Ely.

Your partner choosing to remain silent about an upsetting matter could also be an act of stonewalling you, says Rachel Sommer, PhD, clinical sexologist. Stonewalling refers to a refusal to communicate or discuss feelings with a partner. “Partners who intentionally shut down and refuse to communicate can make the relationship a living hell,” she says.

Sommer also highlights that the silent treatment is another practice of an uncommunicative yet upset partner. This can be “frustrating, hurtful, and damaging to the relationship,” she warns.

How to Communicate When Your Partner Is Upset

It can be hard not to take it personally when your partner won’t share what is making them upset. It may even be tempting to return the favor, keeping to yourself or employing passive-aggressive actions to project your annoyance to the other person.

But responding this way can only worsen relations between the both of you. Instead, Sommer suggests that “you can curate the conversation in a way that fosters their participation.” This can be achieved in the following ways.

Let Them Know How You Feel

Asking your partner now and again what’s wrong may not get you any closer to receiving an answer. Sommer suggests doing things a little differently. She believes that, to get to the bottom of things, it’s crucial to set time aside to have a discussion.

To prevent your partner from avoiding the situation, especially if they are non-confrontational in nature, Sommer suggests that you “start by building up to an exciting convo they can participate in and gradually show them why talking about the issue at hand is beneficial.”

This eases them into the conversation, putting them in a position where they are comfortable and more willing to share whatever may be the issue.

Practice Empathy

When you’re upset about something, whether big or small, it can be difficult to explain your hurt to others. It’s important to keep this in mind when trying to learn what may be the issue with your partner.

When talking with your partner, try to manage your own emotions—even if the thing your partner is worried about seems minor to you. Keeping your emotions in check helps ensure that they are comfortable enough to reveal their current and future feelings to you.

Give Them Time to Reflect

While your partner is sharing the source of their upset, listen actively, asking questions where necessary to make sure you’re on the same page. Depending on the direction the conversation takes, your partner may need some comfort in the form of words of encouragement or a warm embrace, especially if a sensitive matter is being discussed.

In other situations, simply letting them know that they have your support and leaving them to think about their feelings (and how they were handled in this situation) could be the best move to take.

Avoid Disputes About Minor Issues

“I don’t think you can prevent upset or disputes, nor should you want to,” says Ely. “Upsets and disputes are part of a healthy relationship. The key is to have these disputes in a respectful and loving manner.”

While petty spats and quarrels are routine, Mark takes a slightly different approach. When it comes to your relationship, “Preventing disputes that are unnecessary or trivial can be a good thing,” she says.

That means letting it go if your partner forgot to take the trash out on their week to do so, or forgiving them if they started a new show without you. In instances such as these, it’s important to prioritize happiness in your relationship.