Pros and Cons to Consider

Key Takeaways

  • Living together before marriage can help you see if you and your partner are truly compatible.
  • Moving in with a partner can save money and provide financial stability.
  • It’s important to talk about finances and future plans with your partner before moving in together.

Living together before marriage was once considered taboo; however, it has become more common and accepted over time. If you’ve been seeing your partner and things are going well, moving in together may cross your mind.

Moving in with your partner is a significant step because it marks a major progression in the relationship, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University in New York City.

Reasons for Living Together Before Marriage

There are a variety of reasons why people opt to live together before they decide to make a long-term commitment. Research has found that the primary reasons couples choose to live together are to spend more time together, to share expenses, and to evaluate their compatibility.

For many couples, it’s a great way to see if they are truly compatible before deciding if marriage is the right choice for them. Co-habitating offers many insights into a person’s habits, personality, and behavior. Sharing a space allows couples to truly get to know one another in a way that they might not if they lived separately.

But cohabitation isn’t just about playing house or deepening the relationship—it’s an economic necessity for many people. High living expenses mean that many adults must have one or more roommates to split expenses. For many, it makes sense to take that step with the person they are dating.

Research has found that around half of cohabitating couples end up separating. Economic factors appear to play a deciding role in whether couples who live together end up walking down the aisle. Simply put, wealthier couples are more like to wed. 

Living together before marriage may help you save money as a couple, offering greater financial stability and increasing your shared resources. While it might not be particularly romantic, research suggests that this factor alone may increase the likelihood of marriage.

However, moving in together because of economic pressure might mean that neither of you is as committed to the relationship as you might be if you take this step based on desire.

Factors to Consider Before Living Together

Below, Romanoff lists some of the factors to consider while deciding whether to live with your partner before marriage.

Your Reasons for Wanting to Live Together

The first factor to consider is your motivation for moving in with your partner. Partners who move in out of financial convenience or to test their relationship may be less satisfied with their decision in the long run and in turn, may not end up getting married.

This is in contrast to couples who decide to move in together out of their genuine desire to spend more time together and deliberately fuse their lives. You should want to learn more about your partner and progress your relationship.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Remember the importance of choosing your partner because you want to be with them, and don’t let your decisions be made out of fear or convenience.

— Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Your Age and Stage of Life

Age and stage of life are other important considerations. It can be helpful to give each other space to live alone or with friends before taking this step, so that each partner is able to experience a range of independent and peer living situations before committing to living with each other.

Once people have experienced these varied living arrangements, they tend to appreciate their partners and don’t feel as if they are missing out on experiences their peers are having.

Your Conversations With Your Partner

It’s important to make the deliberate decision to move in together instead of casually easing into cohabitation. Sliding into cohabitation can be risky because it bypasses important decisions and conversations that will cause more problems down the road.

For instance, you may slowly start to spend more time at one of your homes and think it makes sense to move in together out of convenience or financial incentive. You may then consider marriage because you’ve lived together for so long, already invested so much time into your partner, and think you might not be able to find someone else at this point in your life.

Instead, it is important to consciously decide to move in together and have conversations with your partner about financial arrangements, who will be responsible for maintaining what, and how space will be allocated to incorporate both people’s values and beliefs.

Implications of Living Together Before Marriage

Moving in with your partner can have significant implications for your relationship. Romanoff outlines some of these below.

Increased Commitment

Before you move in, there are more opportunities for refuge. If you have a fight, are annoyed, or are frustrated with each other, you can always return to your own space.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Moving in means committing to the good and bad in each other and in your relationship. You each are committing to show up and stay together on the good as well as the bad days.

— Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Increased Investment

Moving in together means that you are investing in the relationship in a more substantial way. The next progressive step after moving in is usually a more formal commitment like marriage or alternatively, if things do not work out, a breakup.

Breakups after moving in together are significantly more complicated because you must separate your lives, which tend to become blended in elaborate ways.

Increased Trust

Living together also means that you’re pledging to show each other the parts of yourself that may have remained hidden up until this part of your relationship. You risk vulnerability and exposing all of your little rituals or quirky habits.

You have to trust your partner and make this commitment with the confidence that your relationship will not only survive but will become stronger after knowing these parts of each other.

Pros and Cons of Living Together Before Marriage

Romanoff shares some of the advantages and disadvantages that people commonly experience when they decide to live together before marriage.

Pros

  • You get to know each other better

  • It can deepen your relationship

  • It can be a sign of commitment

  • Feel more confident in your decision to get married

Cons

  • May decrease commitment to marriage

  • Can lead to staying together even if you’re not compatible

  • You might feel you wasted your time if you break up

  • It may be harder to move on after a break up

Advantages of Living Together Before Marriage

The advantage of living together before marriage is the opportunity to learn how you would navigate a life together without the internal and external pressure that comes with marriage.

For many, marriage signifies a commitment that cannot be easily undone. The weight of that commitment, especially from family members or friends, can skew problems or conflicts that may arise in a relationship.

Living together may also help boost health and well-being. Research has long shown that marriage provides many health benefits, and evidence also suggests that living together can confer many of these same benefits.

Disadvantages of Living Together Before Marriage

The downside of living together before marriage relates to the tendency for some couples to make less of a commitment to each other or feel less content with their arrangement.

Individuals who decide to cohabitate may have different expectations than their partners about the move. It can lead to challenges if one partner has more unconventional ideas about marriage and might grow complacent in this arrangement, whereas the other partner might expect marriage to follow this step.

It is important to consider the meaning of the move to each partner, especially if this move is motivated as a way to postpone making a commitment for one partner. And that meaning should be communicated to and by each partner as well.

Additionally, standards for cohabitating with a partner are usually lower than standards people have for marriage, which could cause some people to regret the time and energy spent on cohabitating if it does not ultimately lead to marriage.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Pew Research Center’s Social and Demographic Trends Project. Views on marriage and cohabitation in the U.S.

  2. Huang PM, Smock PJ, Manning WD, Bergstrom-Lynch CA. He says, she says: Gender and cohabitationJ Fam Issues. 2011;32(7):876-905. doi:10.1177/0192513X10397601

  3. Ishizuka P. The economic foundations of cohabiting couples’ union transitions. Demography. 2018;55(2):535-557. doi:10.1007/s13524-018-0651-1

  4. Perelli-Harris B, Hoherz S, Addo F, et al. Do marriage and cohabitation provide benefits to health in mid-life? The role of childhood selection mechanisms and partnership characteristics across countriesPopul Res Policy Rev. 2018;37(5):703-728. doi:10.1007/s11113-018-9467-3

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By Sanjana Gupta

Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.


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What to Do When You Feel Like You Can’t Do Anything Right


Key Takeaways

  • When you feel like you can’t do anything right, take a break and do something that makes you feel good, like reading or petting your dog.
  • Journaling can help you see that you have done many things right and manage your stress.
  • If you’re still struggling with negative thoughts, consider talking to a therapist, especially about cognitive-behavioral therapy. 

If you’ve ever felt like you can’t do anything right, you might think you’re the only one who has experienced that feeling. The truth, though, is that it’s perfectly common to feel this way, and it happens to most of us at one time or another.

In a world where so much of how we experience other people is in the digital world, it’s easy to forget that the version we view of our friends, colleagues, and loved ones is the one they want us to see. Most people share photos and stories about the good times in their lives. And most do not share about when they’re having a hard time in life.

There are different reasons why you might experience this feeling, and many assorted actions you can take to help alleviate it. Read on to learn why you might be feeling this way, and how to turn things around in your mind.

Why You Feel Like You Can’t Do Anything Right

There are endless reasons why you might experience the thoughts and feelings that nothing you do in life is right; these are some of the most common reasons.

Feeling Overwhelmed by Stress

It’s a common motif in our culture, especially since a pandemic began years ago. Stress makes life feel overwhelming, and it can impact our ability to think clearly. If you’re feeling nervous, worried, anxious, or depressed, and you don’t have a chronic condition involving those feelings, chances are that you’re stressed.

It might feel like it doesn’t make sense to you that a simple task or project feels like too much, but it’s important to understand that our brains, nervous systems, and hearts have really been through the wringer since 2020.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, your mind can slip into a tricky pattern where it feels like you aren’t doing anything right. Fortunately, you can learn how to manage stress.

Self-Worth

We all have to be our own biggest champions in life. That’s because having good self-esteem may boost your happiness.

Having high self-esteem doesn’t mean that you think you do everything right all the time, but it does mean that you think you’re a person who is capable of doing things right quite often. It also means you know you aren’t perfect, and sometimes you make mistakes just like every other imperfect human on earth.

Low self-esteem manifests in different ways, such as not feeling in control of life, having a hard time asking for help, being afraid of failure, not having good boundaries, and not speaking kindly to yourself. Do you feel like a bully is living inside your head sometimes?

Boosting your self-esteem can help keep your thoughts from sliding down the slippery slope of self-loathing.

How to Cope With Feeling Like You Never Do Anything Right

While it’s normal to sometimes feel like you can’t do anything right, that doesn’t mean you have to just live with the feeling. Instead, there are a lot of different actions you can take that can help quell this notion and put you back on a positive path in your mind.

Let Yourself Feel This Way

Running away from our problems never makes them go away, and running away from our feelings doesn’t allow us to move through them. Sometimes, all you have to do to get past a feeling is stop trying to fight it.

When you’re feeling like you can’t do anything right, take a moment and just let yourself feel that. Once you’re feeling a little calmer, try to delve deeper into where the feeling is coming from. This can lead you to understand if there is a larger issue at play that you need to deal with.

If you have made a mistake, missed a deadline, burnt dinner, cut your bangs too short, etc. have some grace for yourself. We all make mistakes or miss the mark, and that is how we learn valuable lessons, gain skills, and grow emotionally.

Prove Yourself Wrong By Reviewing What You’ve Done Right

This simple task lets you know you’re wrong about never doing anything right. In a journal, on your phone, or in a computer document, make a list of things you’ve accomplished, succeeded at, or done well at in life. It doesn’t have to be complicated!

Were you a good babysitter for a younger sibling at one time? Did you graduate from high school or college? Have you made a friend laugh recently? All those are things you’ve done right. And you will find that the good stuff outweighs your less-than-proud moments. We sometimes have to remind ourselves of these things to have a more accurate view of our reality.

Journaling is useful for stress management. It also is a way to visualize that you have, in fact, done many things right in life.

Speak to Yourself the Way You Speak to Others

Positive self-talk can get you through tough situations, and can also improve your self-esteem. When you’re feeling like you can’t do anything right, turn the table on yourself and imagine a friend or loved one saying that to you. What would you say to them? Chances are, you certainly wouldn’t agree!

Instead, you’d point out everything you’ve seen them do right. You’d tell them they are a great person, worthy of thinking highly of themself.

When it’s hard to speak kindly to ourselves, a way to work around that is to pretend we’re speaking to someone else.

Go for a Walk

Not only does walking reduce stress and improve your health, but a change of environment can also help you get out of your negative mind space.

Going for a walk is a great way to clear your head of negative thoughts.

Stop and smell the flowers, feel the sunshine on your arms, notice the breeze against your face, or say “hi” to a neighbor as you pass them. As you walk, let your thoughts wander away from the idea that you can’t do anything right. When you get home, you just might feel a bit better.

Talk to a Friend Or Loved One

Holding your feelings inside isn’t conducive to letting them go or, even better, helping them shift into more positive feelings. Talking to others and having connections is vital to human happiness, so even if you’re feeling like you don’t want to share about this issue, you’ll probably feel better once you do.

If it seems like there just isn’t anyone to talk to, follow these guidelines to get started making and enhancing the human connections in your life.

If you want to talk to someone about this feeling but you’re worried, nervous, or embarrassed, you can always text or email first. Asking a friend or loved one if they have the emotional availability to help you work through a difficult feeling is a great way to practice boundaries, and if they say “yes,” you’ll likely feel safer discussing it, knowing that they have the emotional space held for you.

Practice Self-Care

Self-care is a great stress reliever, and it also helps you feel more positively about yourself. Self-care is anything you do for yourself that makes you feel good. It can be physical, such as taking a bath, or emotional, like laying down and listening to relaxing music.

Do a Good Deed

Science has proven that performing kind acts for others helps us feel better ourselves. It’s called prosocial behavior, and even if you don’t necessarily understand why helping others will make you feel better, know that it does.

Acts of kindness toward others aid our emotional well-being, and when you’re feeling more positive, chances are your mind won’t gravitate toward those self-defeating thoughts.

Additionally, a kind act is also something you did right! Everyone wins when you practice being charitable toward other people.

Take a Break

It’s not a failure in life if you just need a break. We all need breaks, and we all benefit from taking them! Taking a break reduces stress, makes us more productive overall and clears our heads.

That last benefit is key when you’re feeling like you can’t do anything right. Taking a break doesn’t need to be complicated, and there isn’t any specific task you have to perform for it to count. Just pause, ask yourself if you’d like to take a few minutes off, and see where that leads you. If it leads you straight to the couch with your favorite book in hand, that’s totally fine! If you want to pet your dog, that’s great! If you want to close your eyes for a few minutes, there is nothing wrong with that.

Taking a break is supposed to be enjoyable and unproductive.

When to Seek Professional Help

After trying these suggestions, if you find you are still struggling to reign in those negative thought patterns, you might want to consider seeking professional help. There is a specific type of therapy known as cognitive-behavioral therapy that is designed to help you work through your maladaptive thought life and help you find better ways to cope with the stress in your life.


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How to Be More Mature

Key Takeaways

  • Keep your commitments to show you are dependable.
  • Learn to control your emotions so that your actions match your values.

If someone has accused you of being immature, or told you to “grow up,” you may find yourself wondering how you can be more mature.

People who are mature are able to control their emotions, respond appropriately to situations, and behave like an adult while dealing with others.

This article explores some of the characteristics of mature people, the benefits of this trait, and some steps you can take to be more mature.

How to Be More Mature

These are some steps you can take to be more mature, according to Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, and professor at Yeshiva University. 

  • Keep your commitments: Make it a point to keep the commitments you’ve made. Don’t be erratic or flaky.
  • Develop self-control: Learn to control your words and actions, rather than letting your emotions control you. Pause and reflect on what your emotions are urging you to do, and ensure your actions are always aligned with your values, not how you’re feeling in the moment.
  • Make decisions thoughtfully: Think before making decisions and seek others’ advice or perspective if needed.
  • Be humble: Rather than professing to know everything, it’s important to acknowledge the limits of your knowledge, stay humble, and be motivated to learn more.
  • Work toward self-sufficiency: Learn to start taking care of yourself and being self-sufficient. This could involve living independently, working on your own terms, or providing for yourself financially.
  • Set goals: Be deliberate about what you want to achieve. Once you have identified your goals, break them down, and create small steps for you to work toward. 
  • Stay focused: Learn to delay gratification and prioritize long-term goals over short-term impulses. Follow through and don’t let temporary impulses stop you from reaching your objectives. A 2019 study notes that a true sign of maturity is the ability to practice restraint when faced with exciting, emotional, or risky situations.
  • Be persistent: Work toward your goals and don’t fall off the wagon when things get tough, when unexpected roadblocks come up, or if you feel progress is taking too long. 
  • Find the right balance: It’s important to maintain a balance between prioritizing your needs versus the needs of others. Your agenda shouldn’t solely revolve around you, but it also shouldn’t cater exclusively to the needs of the people around you either, to the extent that you neglect yourself. Learn to set boundaries and take care of yourself and others. 
  • Respect others: Learn to appreciate other people’s perspectives and treat everyone respectfully.
  • Maintain a routine: Build a stable, healthy routine that involves work or school, exercise, a healthy diet, and creative or active hobbies.
  • Own your mistakes: Take ownership of your actions and don’t try to blame others for your circumstances. Own up to your mistakes and work on correcting them.
  • Let go of things that don’t serve you: It’s important to let go of things that are no longer serving you. This could include habits, thought processes, relationships, or activities in your life.
  • Express gratitude: Be grateful and make it a point to express your thanks for the big and small things you value in your life.

Characteristics of Mature People

These are some of the characteristics of mature people, compared to those of immature people.

Mature People

  • Thoughtful

  • Responsible

  • Reliable

  • Respectful

  • Humble

  • Committed 

  • Considerate

  • Grateful

  • Independent

Immature People

  • Inconsiderate

  • Reckless

  • Erratic

  • Rude

  • Arrogant

  • Impulsive

  • Self-absorbed

  • Thankless

  • Dependent on others

Benefits of Being Mature

These are some of the benefits of being more mature, according to Dr. Romanoff:

  • Better relationships: Your relationships may start to improve as you become more mature. You will likely experience fewer arguments and deeper connections with the people around you.
  • More stability: With better decision-making skills comes more stability across the different domains of your life, including work, family, friendships, and romantic relationships.
  • Less conflict: The little things that used to set you off-tilt will be less likely to bother you. You will be steadier in your life and unfazed by things that truly don’t matter to you.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

As you become more mature, you will start to be more attuned to your needs, your identity, and what you truly want.

— Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Potential Pitfalls of Being Immature

These are some of the potential pitfalls of being immature, according to Dr. Romanoff:

  • Giving in to impulses: Immature people often have trouble controlling their impulses. For instance, they may want to do well in an exam but may not be able to resist the urge to play video games instead of studying. This can prevent them from achieving their goals. 
  • Missing the bigger picture: Immature people tend to get caught up in small insignificant details or problems that consume their energy. This leaves them drained and prevents them from seeing the big picture, which can hamper their ability to meet their goals.
  • Avoiding responsibility: Immature people may avoid responsibility, which can cause them to be dependent on others for far longer than they should be.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

The biggest pitfall of being immature is that you tend to be your own worst enemy, sabotaging yourself and getting in the way of achieving the things you really want.

— Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Bhagat V, Haque M, Bin Abu Bakar YI, Husain R, Khairi CM. Emotional maturity of medical students impacting their adult learning skills. Adv Med Educ Pract. 2016;7:575-584. doi:10.2147/AMEP.S117915

  2. Icenogle G, Steinberg L, Duell N, et al. Adolescents’ cognitive capacity reaches adult levels prior to their psychosocial maturity: Evidence for a “maturity gap” in a multinational, cross-sectional sample. Law Hum Behav. 2019;43(1):69-85. doi:10.1037/lhb0000315

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By Sanjana Gupta

Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.


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How to Not Take Things Personally

Key Takeaways

  • Stop worrying about what others think about you to help take things less personally.
  • Practicing emotional resilience can help you overcome distress and become more resilient. 

It’s natural to want to be respected. After all, humans are social animals and we want to be valued by our fellow tribe members. So, it’s only natural that criticism can sting and cause emotional pain.

In fact, scientists in one recent study looked closely at responses to both approving and disapproving videos involving social evaluation. Researchers analyzed the activity of 37 participants while they watched videos in which people expressed positive, negative, and neutral statements that tapped into basic emotions. Results showed that “criticism hurt everybody.”

While some comments or actions are actually offensive, if you find that your feelings are hurt very often or you tend to assume that someone meant to cause you emotional harm, it’s possible that you’re prone to taking things too personally.

Read on to learn why people take things personally, how to know when you’re taking something too personally, and how to identify the instances in which taking things personally can actually benefit you. You’ll also learn how to take things less personally.

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What Causes People to Take Things Personally?

It’s normal to care about what others think about us but not to the point where it hinders us. The causes of why we take things personally stem from a variety of factors:

  • Negative self talk. We might constantly tell ourselves we’re not good enough or it’s always our fault. So, in the face of ugly comments, we’ll easily believe negative things said about us.
  • Childhood trauma. Lack of emotional support in childhood and being blamed as a child by parents can contribute to our feelings that we deserve to be mocked or humiliated.
  • Poor self-esteem. People with low self-esteem sometimes worry too much about what others think. They may very well take things too personally.
  • Anxiety disorders. Those who have social anxiety are extremely afraid of being judged and embarrassed.
  • Perfectionism. Perfectionists have a hard time when others talk about their flaws as they have unrealistic standards about what they should be.
  • Stress or fatigue. When you’re not in the best mood, you may be more prone to misinterpreting someone’s comments.
  • Emotional sensitivity. If you’re a highly sensitive person, you may take things more personally.

How to Know When You’re Taking Something Too Personally

We often overlook the compliments we receive like, “Oh, you look nice today.” Sometimes we spend too much energy on the shortcomings people talk about.

For example, you might have gotten upset after your boss said you’re not yet ready to handle a bigger project. With a different perspective, you could’ve reframed what he said as constructive criticism instead.

Signs You May Take Things Too Personally

Here are some signs that others’ opinions are having negative effects on you:

  • You depend on the approval of other people to make you happy.
  • You apologize needlessly and are a people pleaser.
  • You don’t set or maintain boundaries as a rule.
  • You’re afraid to say “no” to requests.
  • You believe all harsh comments about yourself and take them to heart.
  • You view a mistake in behavior as your own character flaw.
  • You get defensive or angry easily.
  • You obsess over recent conversations to the point where it interferes with daily activities.

With rumination, you’re holding onto a perceived critical conversation way too long. For some, replaying what happened enables them to imagine giving a different response. For others, rumination reminds them of their own weakness. Overthinking can become disempowering. Rumination can occur with conditions like obsessive-compulsive disorder.

According to one study, rumination can magnify and prolong negative moods and interfere with problem-solving, impact levels of people’s anxiety and depression. It can also interfere with and limit the effectiveness of psychological interventions. Rumination was also shown to worsen people’s stress levels.

Benefits of Taking Things Personally

This might sound surprising, but there are positive aspects to taking things personally. By taking things personally, family and friends or those in meaningful relationships with us, are cued into what hurts us. When equipped with this knowledge, they may modify their behavior so that they don’t offend you.

It’s also humanizing and humbling to get your feelings a little hurt every now and then. You can then learn how to overcome your distress, which only makes you more resilient in the future.

How to Stop Taking Things Personally

After someone offends you, here are a few techniques you might use so you don’t go home feeling upset:

  • Practice emotional resilience.
  • Give people the benefit of the doubt because it’s possible that you misunderstood what they were saying.
  • Ask the person to clarify what they’ve said.
  • Stop worrying about what others think about you.
  • Give yourself credit for your strengths.
  • Try mindfulness so that you can stay in the present and relieve stress.
  • Journal your thoughts.
  • Repeat positive affirmations to yourself.
  • Seek mental health treatment with a licensed therapist.

It’s normal to take things personally every now and then. However, if you find that you’re regularly feeling upset or offended by other people’s comments, it’ll begin to impact your own mental health. So, it’s important to learn how to recognize when your reaction is out of proportion to a comment or perceived slight.

Of course, if you’re experiencing verbal abuse or notice that someone is actually trying to hurt your feelings, it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship with that person. If you need assistance in discerning between minor criticisms versus emotional abuse, seek help from a therapist.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Miedl SF, Blechert J, Klackl J, et al. Criticism hurts everybody, praise only some: Common and specific neural responses to approving and disapproving social-evaluative videosNeuroimage. 2016;132:138-147. doi:10.1016/j.neuroimage.2016.02.027

  2. Watkins ER, Roberts H. Reflecting on rumination: Consequences, causes, mechanisms and treatment of ruminationBehav Res Ther. 2020;127:103573. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2020.103573

Barbara Field

By Barbara Field

Barbara is a writer and speaker who is passionate about mental health, overall wellness, and women’s issues.


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How to Tell Someone You Have Feelings for Them

Key Takeaways

  • Before sharing your feelings, take time to understand if it’s love, infatuation, or lust.
  • Think about what type of relationship you have now and what might change if you reveal your feelings.
  • If they don’t feel the same way, find positive ways to deal with the rejection, like turning to music or mindfulness meditation. 

Maybe you have a friend in the neighborhood or at work and you now have romantic feelings for them. You may even be ready to tell that person about your newfound feelings, but how do you have this conversation when there are so many factors to consider?

It’s normal to get close to a friend or co-worker. Maybe one day it unexpectedly hits you: you’re thinking of this person more than you would (or should) if they were just a regular friend. Or maybe you realize that gradually over time you’ve developed romantic feelings for this special someone.

Before you tell someone how you feel, it’s worth getting to the root of your true feelings, consider the relationship you currently have, and prepare yourself for whatever reaction they might have to this information.

You can definitely have this conversation without it being awkward or a death sentence for your relationship, but it’s a sensitive topic nonetheless.

Figure Out Your Real Feelings

Sometimes we’re confused about our closeness to someone. Do we care for them as a really good friend? Or in another way? To better assess what you feel, take some time to reflect on these possibilities.

Is it infatuation? If your feelings came on quickly, you think this person is perfect and you’re operating in a daze, you could well be infatuated with this person. Consider whether you’re seeing this person in a true light. Do you think a healthy relationship is possible with them?

Is it physical and sexual chemistry? Maybe as you spent more time together, you became more attracted to this person. Think about if you desire a short—term hot fling, long-term love, or something else.

Is it lust? That overwhelming feeling of desire might indicate you have feelings of lust. If you’re driven by sexual attraction and the physical, surface relationship, you’re not driven by emotional, deep feeling or a need for partnership.

Is it love? Love includes a deep caring attachment. It’s a close, intimate bond between two people. It is characterized by shared vulnerability, passion, tenderness and devotion to the other’s well-being.

Once you determine your true feelings, you can better understand what kind of relationship you want.

Consider the Type of Relationship You Have Now

Think about the type of relationship you’re currently in with this person. Before telling someone you have feelings for them, you might take into account the repercussions, depending on whether you’re both close friends, co-workers, exes or casual dating partners.

Close Friends

As close friends, you already have two fundamental pillars of a solid romantic relationship: trust and enjoyment of time together. More good news: when friendship is at the heart of a relationship, it bodes well for romance.

In fact, friendship is a key component of successful romantic relationships. One study examined non-married couples who cherished the friendship aspect of their relationship. Results showed that these friendship-based relationships were linked to high levels of sexual gratification and commitment.

But should this special someone not share your feelings, keep in mind that after admitting your desire to expand the friendship, the friendship could be affected. This is an outcome that requires some mental and emotional preparation.

Co-Workers

Investigate the dos and don’ts of dating within your company as some organizations forbid all romantic relationships. Then adhere to work protocols. Be sure to think about the consequences of disclosing that you have a crush on somebody you work with. What if they feel the same way? What if they don’t?  

Will your admission make working together uncomfortable and add to work stress? Also, don’t overlook what might happen to your livelihood in the case of a possible breakup. This will help you determine if a romantic relationship is worth pursuing.

Exes

Relationships often end for a good reason. Assuming that the reason was circumstantial or based on bad timing, maybe you want to rekindle a relationship. If you’re both single and you want to tell your ex that you still have feelings for them, be sure to consider whether you’re returning to an unhealthy dynamic. Are you romanticizing the positives? Are you forgetting upsetting memories?

Casual Dating Partners

Maybe you’re dating and happily hooking up. Are you choosing this kind of relationship or are you settling for it? How will wanting something else affect this relationship?

Are You Ready for a Relationship? Take the Quiz

Our fast and free quiz can help you examine your feelings and determine whether or not you may be ready to take the next step with someone you care about:


This quiz was reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

What to Say to Someone You Have Feelings For

Once you determine what you’re feeling and what kind of involvement you’d like with this person, assuming they are not already in a relationship, you should say something. According to Dr. Amy E. Keller, PsyD and marriage and family therapist, “Don’t avoid telling someone that you have feelings for them because avoidance begets avoidance. Everyone gets one vote. Even if you think a relationship is unlikely, don’t take away the other person’s vote.”

Practice a few scripts until you’re comfortable reciting one of them. Be honest, genuine and straightforward. You might say something like, “We’ve been friends (or co-workers or exes) for a while. But I realized that I’ve developed more than platonic feelings for you. It’s OK if you don’t feel the same way, but I really wanted to let you know.”

Give that person time. Tell them they don’t need to respond in the moment. Keller says “they may not have identified their feelings for you as you were already in the friend box.”  Let them respond in the way they’re most comfortable, too. She says, “By all means, welcome their text, email, snail mail, phone call, Facetime, or real face time.”

With conditional love, you tell someone you love them and you expect them to answer back the same thing or you’ll be hurt or insulted. Keller reminds us that “in unconditional love, you let people say what they want and be who they are.”

“Remember to remind this special person that you’re open to continuing the relationship and resume as before if their feelings aren’t reciprocated. And please try to mean that. It’s important to always give someone a ladder so they can get down from the tree gracefully,” says Keller.

How to Cope If They Don’t Feel the Same Way

If they desire the same kind of romantic relationship you really want, that is ideal. But rejection is also possible.

Research that looked at common responses to rejection in healthy young to middle-aged adults underscores that romantic rejection can be a stressful life event in adults and can lead to sadness, appetite loss and depression.

To lessen debilitating reactions to this kind of rejection, reframe the situation positively. In healthy relationships you both want the same things and in this particular case, you’re both on different pages. You told someone you had feelings for them. Even if the feeling wasn’t reciprocated, congratulate yourself on being brave and true to yourself.

Choose from a variety of healthy ways to manage the sting of rejection including:

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. VanderDrift LE, Wilson JE, Agnew CR. On the benefits of valuing being friends for nonmarital romantic partners. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2013;30(1):115-131.

  2. Hsu DT, Sankar A, Malik MA, Langenecker SA, Mickey BJ, Love TM. Common neural responses to romantic rejection and acceptance in healthy adults. Soc Neurosci. 2020;15(5):571-583.

Barbara Field

By Barbara Field

Barbara is a writer and speaker who is passionate about mental health, overall wellness, and women’s issues.


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Kindred Spirits: Definition, Signs, and Significance

Key Takeaways

  • Kindred spirits are like-minded people who form strong bonds based on shared perspectives.
  • You may feel an immediate connection with a kindred spirit, recognizing their energy and spirit as similar to your own. 

A kindred spirit is someone who shares the same interests, thoughts, beliefs, feelings, values, and attitudes as you. When you meet your kindred spirit, chances are you will hit it off immediately, as you recognize your spirit and energy in each other.

In this article, we explore the idea of kindred spirits, signs that indicate you might have found one, and the various roles they may play in your life.

What Is a Kindred Spirit?

Kindred spirits are compatible, like-minded people who form strong bonds with each other based on shared perspectives, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University.

A connection with a kindred spirit may be fleeting, where you spend only a brief time together but share an intense bond. Or, it may be lifelong, where you manage to maintain a strong connection despite time or distance, says Dr. Romanoff. 

Even if you do not see one another for a long time, reuniting with a kindred spirit often feels like no time has passed. You can easily pick up your relationship right where you left off.

Signs You’ve Found a Kindred Spirit

These are some signs you’ve found a kindred spirit:

  • Common interests: Kindred spirits generally have a lot in common with each other, says Dr. Romanoff. For instance, you may share the same hobbies, opinions, or values.
  • Immediate connection: Kindred spirits tend to recognize each other quickly and form an immediate connection. You may have a sense that you know them, regardless of how new they are to your life, says Dr. Romanoff.
  • Strong bond: Kindred spirits tend to form strong bonds with each other that often transcend time and distance, says Dr. Romanoff.
  • Shared energy: Kindred spirits often have a unique, shared energy that stems from having the same beliefs and passions. It can feel like you’re able to read their mood or mind, says Dr. Romanoff, probably because you’re often thinking or feeling the same thing.
  • High degree of comfort: Kindred spirits tend to experience a high degree of comfort with each other. You may feel safe and calm in their presence, and have a high degree of trust in them, even if you’ve just recently met, says Dr. Romanoff.
  • Mutual support: Kindred spirits are often a strong source of support for each other because they understand each other’s perspective better than others might, says Dr. Romanoff.

Do You Fall in Love With Your Kindred Spirit?

While you may have a romantic connection with a kindred spirit, it can also be a platonic relationship, such as a friendship or familial relationship.

For instance, you might find a kindred spirit in a sibling, cousin, or grandparent, whom you feel aligned with, Dr. Romanoff explains. “It could also be a friend you meet in a workout class, a stranger at an event, a colleague at work, or a fellow traveler on a journey, whom you recognize as having a common passion or energy.”

In fact, a kindred spirit is often described as a partner in crime or a lifelong friend rather than a romantic partner or a soulmate. “While falling in love is a possibility, kindred spirits typically have a very strong friendship,” says Dr. Romanoff. You might care about the person or even love them, without necessarily being in love with them.

That said, it’s not impossible to fall in love with a kindred spirit who is a potential romantic partner. The deep connection and shared sense of understanding amongst kindred spirits can be a strong foundation for a relationship.

How Are Kindred Spirits Different From Twin Flames or Soulmates?

Kindred spirits are not exactly the same as soulmates or twin flames

For starters, soulmates and twin flames are limited to romantic relationships, whereas kindred spirits can also include friendships, familial relationships, and other types of platonic relationships.

Furthermore, soulmates and twin flames are characterized by love, romance, and passion, whereas, kindred spirits are characterized by common interests and a shared sense of understanding.

In fact, people who are soulmates or twin flames can be complementary opposites; whereas, kindred spirits are usually very similar to each other, says Dr. Romanoff.

What Role Does a Kindred Spirit Play in Your Life?

A kindred spirit can play many important roles in your life. They can offer:

  • Companionship: Kindred spirits can offer enjoyable companionship. Participating in shared interests together can be fun and engaging. Research shows that companionship provides happiness, social satisfaction, and greater psychological well-being.
  • Validation: A kindred spirit often shares the same beliefs, which can be validating. They can be a safe space for you to express yourself authentically and offer a deep sense of belonging. Emotional validation can help you feel seen, heard, and accepted.
  • Emotional support: A kindred spirit can be a strong support system, says Dr. Romanoff. The person tends to understand you on a deeper level, without the need for lengthy explanations. A 2022 study notes that emotional support can help protect against negative emotions like fear, distress, and loneliness.
  • Inspiration: A kindred spirit can introduce you to new ideas and experiences related to your shared interests, which can broaden your horizons and motivate you to pursue your goals. They can inspire you to take risks that can help you achieve what you really want in life, says Dr. Romanoff.
  • Personal growth: Often, kindred spirits hold up a mirror for us to learn more about ourselves, be more self-aware, and grow as people, says Dr. Romanoff.

A kindred spirit can also be a major source of support if you’re going through something difficult or living with a mental health condition. While they cannot replace therapy or treatment, they can be an important source of mental, emotional, social, and even practical support.

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By Sanjana Gupta

Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.


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Big 5 Personality Test

Key Takeaways

  • The Big 5 personality test helps you learn more about your main personality traits.
  • The Big 5 traits include openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism.

The Big 5 personality traits represent one of the most well-known frameworks for understanding our personalities and how we respond to the world around us. If you aren’t sure which of the traits is most dominant for you, this free big 5 personality test can help you gain some valuable insight into your nature.

Who Is This Big 5 Personality Test For?

This Big 5 Personality Test is for anyone curious to learn more about their personality. Knowing which trait is most dominant can help you gain some insight into yourself and how you respond to certain situations in life. In turn, this may also give you insight into how others might perceive your actions or personality.

About Personality Trait Theory

The study of personality traits has a long history, going back to ancient Greek and Chinese societies. Both historic societies gave physiological and mental motives for one-of-a-kind character types. At the end of the 18th century, when psychiatry as a medical science was beginning, theories about personality were also taking shape.

Several researchers have suggested theories on how many personality traits exist. Theories ranging from 4,000 to three traits have been presented. Eventually, the Big 5 Personality traits were largely accepted as the building blocks of personality.

Researchers don’t exactly know how personality forms and whether or not it can change over time. There’s some research to suggest personality traits have a genetic component, meaning traits can be inherited and have an environmental influence. A study also found Big 5 personality traits stayed the same in working-age adults over a four-year period.

These five traits represent broad areas of personality, but personality is complex. An individual’s genetics, environment, and life experiences play a role in which traits they express. 

What Traits Are in This Big 5 Personality Test?

Some people use the acronym OCEAN (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism) as an easy way to remember the Big 5 Personality traits.

Each of the Big 5 traits represents a range of that trait. For example, extraversion represents the full spectrum from extreme extraversion to extreme introversion. Most people are somewhere in the middle of these extremes. 

Openness

Openness, also called openness to experience, describes curiosity, creativity, and imagination. People high in this trait are often curious about the world and other people. They enjoy new experiences and learning new things. 

People who are low in this personality trait may be resistant to new ideas or change and are not creative.

Conscientiousness

Conscientiousness is the personality trait associated with being very thoughtful and having good impulse control. People high in this trait are often goal-oriented, organized, and pay close attention to detail. They’re the ones planning ahead, and they are often aware of how their behavior impacts other people. 

Those who have less of this personality trait are likely to be less organized, dislike schedules and planning, procrastinate, and have trouble completing tasks on a deadline.

Extraversion

Extraversion is characterized by getting energized by social settings, being the center of attention, and meeting new people. Those who are higher in extraversion have a larger social circle and prefer to be around others because socializing is exciting and energizing. They may also talk before thinking about what they are going to say. 

The opposite of this trait is introversion. Those higher in introversion prefer to be alone, get tired from social situations, and don’t want to be the center of attention. They also think carefully before speaking.

Agreeableness

People high in agreeableness are more likely to be empathetic, help others, and show kindness and affection. They care for others and want to see them happy. Agreeableness is also associated with being more cooperative. 

People low in agreeableness may be more competitive, not concerned about how others feel, and have little interest in being helpful. In some cases, these people might also be manipulative. 

Neuroticism

Neuroticism is associated with emotional shifts in mood, anxiety, and sadness. People high in neuroticism experience more stress, are more irritable and easily upset and have trouble bouncing back from stressful events. 

People low in neuroticism are more likely to be resilient, relaxed, and can deal with stress more easily.

What to Takeaway From This Big 5 Personality Test

Who you are as a person can’t be summed up by a single test. Your personality is far more complicated than that. What’s more, your personality isn’t set in stone. If you don’t like how you respond to certain situations or how people may perceive your behaviors, it is possible to change.

By challenging your self-beliefs and focusing your efforts, you can learn new habits, adjust how you think and act, and ultimately change aspects of your personality that you might find less desirable, or build upon positive traits that you would like to develop more.

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By Rena Goldman

Rena Goldman is a health writer and editor with over a decade of experience. Her work has been featured Medical News Today, Healthline, and more.


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