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Domestic discipline (Christian domestic discipline) is a heterosexual marriage lifestyle that encourages the husband (who is considered the head of the household, or HoH) to spank his wife for mistakes or misbehavior. 

Domestic discipline is based on an interpretation of the Bible that sanctions a husband’s dominance and a wife’s submission. Many researchers argue that allowing one partner to exert this type of authority represents domestic abuse that can destroy self-esteem and dignity.

Domestic Discipline Practices

Although most of the punishment in a domestic discipline arrangement involves spanking, people who engage in the practice might incorporate other forms, too—for example, the HoH (head of household) administering some sort of humiliating punishment or forcing his partner to stand in the corner. Some use hair brushes, paddles, and the like to “discipline” their wives.

The Power Imbalance: Day-to-Day CDD Life

The husband generally holds all the power in the relationship and spanks, hits, humiliates, or otherwise punishes the wife physically, mentally, or emotionally to maintain it. The HoH typically controls all decisions and, often, the purse strings. For example, an HoH might require his wife—whom a few denominations refer to as “taken in hand,” or “TIH”—to ask permission for simple things such as driving the car or visiting friends. Should she forget or disobey, he will hurt her in some way as punishment.

Domestic discipline communicates that the wife deserves punishment for mistakes and transgressions. These beliefs are in line with what most abusive partners assert: that she brought it upon herself.

Where Does It Come From?

Websites, forums, and CDD chat groups are full of information espousing and explaining this practice for those who are curious. Commonly, they cite religious belief and a literal interpretation of the Bible to justify causing their wives pain and disempowerment.

What the Research Says

Domestic discipline claims stand in stark contrast to research findings. Here are a few examples.

Domestic Discipline and the Bible 

Although defenders of domestic discipline argue that their lifestyle is rooted in religious teachings, many Christian religious leaders disagree. For example, those who practice domestic discipline often cite passages that call for wifely submission.

Many religious leaders, however, say they’re taking the passage out of context to justify their beliefs and actions. They and other opponents of the movement reject the lifestyle’s arguments, claiming they distort and misuse the concepts of headship and submission to keep women subservient to men. Many say those who practice it simply use scripture to justify physical and emotional abuse of women, couching their actions in religious terms.

In fact, many Christian churches teach mutual respect and egalitarian relationships. Even churches that teach spousal submission emphasize that husbands must be willing to lay down their lives for their wives just as Christ, they say, did for the Church.

“My understanding of this scripture is that wives would follow their husband’s leadership in Christ,” says Dr. Lisa Bahar, a licensed marriage and family therapist and a psychology professor at Pepperdine University, a Christian university in California.

“Just as Christ served his disciples to the point of washing their feet, He is asking husbands to serve their wives,” Dr, Bahar adds. “A wise and Christ-honoring husband will not abuse his wife, which would include a physical altercation like spanking.”

Domestic Discipline or Domestic Abuse?

Dr. Bahar says domestic discipline is a form of abuse that’s consistent with the three phases of abuse conceptualized in the late 1970s by psychologist Lenore Walker. These phases—sometimes called the cycle of violence— include:

• Tension-building phase: the build-up to abuse
• Acute battering episode: the spanking
• Honeymoon phase: “after care,” which may include remorse and making up

She adds that domestic discipline is a physical, mental, emotional, and sexual safety risk that harms health and well-being—and is even more damaging if children observe these acts of violence.

Similarities Between Abuse and Domestic Discipline

A relationship is abusive when one person has complete power and control over the other and uses physical violence to maintain that control.

Just as in other abusive relationships, the abused has no say over what happens and can feel like they are walking on eggshells. The HoH controls everything from what their spouse can wear to whom they can talk with. Financial, emotional, and verbal abuse sometimes accompanies this control, along with the commonly employed physical violence.

These and other signs of abuse border on indistinguishable from common practices in domestic discipline. Here’s a quick comparison.

The Top 5 Justifications Proponents Use

Researchers studying this lifestyle used anonymous public testimonials and websites to explore the techniques that HoHs, their partners, and the domestic discipline community use to rationalize the practice of wife-spanking.

Five stood out: An appeal to higher loyalties, denial of responsibility (entitlement), denial of the victim (victim blaming), denial of injury (justification), and a condemnation of those who denounce the practice. Here’s a deeper look.

An Appeal to Higher Loyalties

Offenders claim that a bond exists between the pair that they consider more important than current social norms. For example, this bond might be their beliefs about religion, the nature of God, or the meaning of marriage.

Entitlement

Supporters of this lifestyle typically argue that Scripture gives men the authority to discipline their wives. They claim that domestic discipline is the natural order and that the HoH has a responsibility to discipline his wife for the sake of the marriage.

Victim-Blaming

Offenders often blame the offended to neutralize guilt. In this context, HoHs accuse their wives of deserving violence with language like “You had it coming” or “You should have known better.”

In this way, the focus shifts to what the victim supposedly did. Many domestic-discipline relationships are so extreme that even the slightest infractions are excuses for discipline.

Justification

Although spankings and other forms of domestic discipline are often painful and leave bruises or other injuries (both physical and psychological), the HoH minimizes them as insignificant or natural consequences for her bad behavior. He might argue that his actions are necessary for the stability of the marriage and presume that “this is what God wants.”

Condemnation

Offenders shift the blame from themselves to others who disapprove of their actions. They claim that society is corrupt and that any beliefs contrary to theirs are the reasons for failing marriages. They maintain that this lifestyle saves marriages and that those who do not accept what they view as God’s mandates are doomed.

How to Get Help

If you’re in a domestic-discipline relationship, enlist the aid of an advocate or mental health counselor who can help you make an informed, rational decision about your situation. And know you’re not alone: According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, one in three U.S. women has been the victim of physical violence in an intimate relationship. Meanwhile, nearly 20 people of any gender are abused by a partner every minute.

Do you ever feel like you have no support from family and friends? When you’re depressed, unsupportive friends and family can prove trying. It’s very important to have people in your life who either understand your condition or are willing to try. If friends and family are unsupportive—blaming you for the symptoms of your illness or making thoughtless remarks—it can make you feel really discouraged.

What can you do if the people who should be your greatest supporters aren’t? Having no support from family and other people in your social network can be tough, but there are things that you can do to find the support and understanding that you need.

Recognize Not Everyone Understands

If you feel like you have no support from family, it is important to first acknowledge that there may be a reason behind their feelings that has nothing to do with you. There are lots of reasons that a person may not be able to understand a condition like depression. Their behavior towards you may be deeply ingrained and automatic and have nothing to do with you as a person.

Perhaps they grew up in an environment where they were taught that it was unacceptable to show vulnerability. Or perhaps their thoughts are influenced by the persistent and problematic stigma surrounding mental illness.

Sometimes unsupportive family and friends just need education about your depression so they can better understand what you are going through. There are numerous resources to educate families from sites such as NAMI and Mental Health America or local family education programs like NAMI’s excellent “Family to Family” program.

Treat Yourself Well

Perhaps one of the best ways to find the support you need is to start with yourself. Even if you have no support from family, you can be your own greatest supporter. Practice being kind and gentle with yourself, and keep your self-talk positive. In other words, pay attention to that inner voice and what it’s saying about you.

For instance, if your self-talk is particularly negative, you may be creating more stress and anxiety for yourself. Try to keep these ongoing monologues positive—even if that means repeating positive mantras every day until it becomes a habit.

If you find yourself getting trapped in a negative thought cycle, repeating negative things about yourself, or ruminating over things that have gone wrong, look for ways to turn those thoughts around or interrupt the cycle. Finding ways to distract yourself can help, as well.

You also can treat yourself well by looking for opportunities for self-care, such as doing things that improve your mood or caring for your body. Because self-care is highly personal, start by making a list of the things you enjoy but might consider a luxury, like:

• Taking a hot bath
• Reading a good book
• Creating a bullet journal
• Taking an afternoon nap
• Talking with a friend
• Listening to a podcast
• Taking a leisurely walk through the park

Then, find a way to carve out time for these activities. Learning to care for yourself in small ways will help you not only feel better but also will allow you to take responsibility for your health and emotions. Likewise, self-care helps you remove some of the focus from how unsupportive certain people are by doing something positive for yourself instead.

Don’t Believe Depression Misconceptions

Another reason you might feel like you have no support from family might be do to some of the many myths and misconceptions about the condition. Don’t buy into the misconceptions about depression. Depression is not a sign of weakness or laziness. It is a biologically-based illness, most likely caused by imbalances in important mood-regulating chemicals in your brain.

You are not attention-seeking when you ask for help. You are simply trying to find the best way to hang on until you can get well. No matter what someone else says to you, don’t lose sight of these facts. It takes a great deal of courage to ask for help. So, keep asking until you find the right person.

Realize Others May Be Struggling

Accept that some people may be sympathetic to your situation, but are simply unable to actively support you. A prime example of this situation would be a friend who is dealing with their own depression and simply isn’t able to give anything else to other people.

In such cases, it might not be that you have no support from your family because they are intentionally letting you down; they simply might not have the mental or physical resources to offer the type of support that you need.

Remind yourself of this fact when people disappoint you or are unable to be there for you. Most of the time, their lack of availability or concern has more to do with them than it does with you. Try not to take it personally or assume that they don’t care about you.

Find Support Elsewhere

When you feel like you have no support from family or close friends, it can be helpful to seek out people who can. Depression support groups, either in person or online, can be a great place to look.

Although people in support groups may start out as strangers to you, fast friendships are often formed because you share the common experience of depression. After all, there is nothing more refreshing than talking with someone who gets what you’re going through.

Don’t hesitate to seek help outside of your family and friends. Sometimes, it’s easier to share your struggles with a stranger—especially if they have been through the same things—because there is less concern about being judged or criticized.

Ask for Help Directly

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you really need. There may be some cases where people would be perfectly willing to support and assist you if they realized what you needed.

Perhaps they don’t know how badly you are doing because they are accustomed to you being the strong one. Or maybe it has never occurred to them that you might appreciate it if they offered to babysit your kids for a few hours.

If there’s something you need or want help with, ask. Many people want to be there for you but they simply are at a loss for what you might want. If you are specific and direct, you are more likely to get the support you need.

End Negative Relationships

Sometimes getting no support from family and friends can be a sign that certain relationships just aren’t working. Cut negative people out of your life or find ways to mitigate the damage.

There are going to be some people who, no matter what you do, are mean-spirited and hurtful. If you can, remove them from your life. If you can’t end the relationship, find ways to either limit your contact with them or bolster yourself against their insensitive treatment.

For example, if a relative always has some kind of biting remark to make at family gatherings, form an alliance with your more supportive relatives, or prepare a few witty comebacks ahead of time. It’s also helpful to vent your frustrations with your counselor or therapist. They can help you determine the best course of action.

Harness Your Emotions for Good

Having no support from family and friends can lead to feelings of anger and frustration. Use your anger with the other person to your benefit. Instead of turning your anger inward and beating yourself up for your failings, channel this anger into doing something positive.

Go out and get some exercise; break a few pieces of ceramic tile and construct a beautiful mosaic; or give your house a thorough cleaning. Find something physical to do that will release your pent-up feelings. You’ll have an outlet for your anger and do something good for yourself at the same time.

Many people don’t like talking on the phone. However, if your hesitance to make and receive calls causes symptoms of severe anxiety such as shortness of breath or a racing heart, you might have phone anxiety. Telephobia—the fear of making or answering phone calls—is common among those with social anxiety disorder (SAD). and sometimes reflects other issues regarding interaction with others.

Symptoms of Phone Anxiety

You might have phone anxiety if you:

• Avoid making calls or having others call you
• Delay making or answering phone calls
• Obsess about what was said after calls
• Stress about embarrassing yourself
• Worry about bothering the other person
• Worry about what you will say

Physical symptoms of phone anxiety may include:

• Increased heart rate
• Nausea
• Shaking
• Trouble concentrating

Although answering the phone and making calls may seem like a simple task that everyone should be able to do, it is terrifying for those who have phone anxiety. This fear can be disruptive to both your personal and professional lives, so taking it seriously is important.

Treatment for Phone Anxiety

Treatment for phone anxiety can include cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques such as cognitive restructuring and exposure training, along with self-help strategies.

Cognitive Restructuring

Cognitive restructuring involves challenging beliefs and replacing negative thoughts with more constructive alternatives.

Why would the person answer the phone if he was too busy? Why would he have asked you to call if he didn’t want to talk to you? Eventually, you would reach the conclusion that it is unlikely you are bothering the other person or that he doesn’t want to speak with you.

Exposure Training

Exposure training involves the gradual practice of progressively more difficult behaviors . In the case of phone anxiety, a hierarchy of fears might look something like the one below (listed from easiest to most difficult). Each behavior is practiced until you are comfortable and can move on to the next most difficult one.

Sample Hierarchy for Phone Anxiety

Below is an example hierarchy for someone who gets nervous interacting over the phone:

1. Calling a number that you know will only have a recorded message, like a customer service line
2. Calling a family member or friend that you know well
3. Calling a business and asking a straightforward question, such as when they close
4. Calling someone that you don’t know well with a simple question
5. Calling someone that you don’t know well about a complicated issue
6. Making each of the previous types of calls in front of one person
7. Making each of the previous types of calls in front of a group of people

Creating a hierarchy to deal with the fear of answering calls can be tricky. If you typically avoid answering the phone, you might note who is calling before answering. Then, start by answering calls from people you’re comfortable with; let other calls go to voicemail. Eventually, you might progress to answering more difficult calls.

Coping Strategies

For the best possible outcome, practice cognitive-behavioral techniques under the supervision of a trained therapist. If meeting with a CBT counselor isn’t possible, or if you have already participated in CBT and are looking for additional ways to cope, try the following strategies.

• Smile. Before making and receiving calls, put a smile on your face. This may sound silly, but it helps you relax and conveys pleasantness to the person you’re speaking with.
• Reward yourself. After making difficult calls, reward yourself by doing something you enjoy.
• Visualize success. Imagine a positive conversation and feeling good afterward.
• Ascertain availability. If you are concerned about interrupting someone when you call, ask whether you’re catching the person at a bad time. This gives them the chance to offer to call you back.
• Don’t overthink it. If someone says “no” or turns down a request, realize that it might have nothing to do with you personally. Try not to read too much into someone else’s actions.
• Prepare. Don’t go overboard, though. Plan what you’ll say, but remember that the conversation may not go exactly as you anticipate. Write the important parts down and keep them handy.
• Let it go to voicemail. You don’t always have to answer the phone. If someone calls you at a bad time or if you’re too anxious to talk, let calls go to voicemail occasionally.
• Try another communication method. The phone isn’t always the best method of communication. If you want to have a digital record of your conversation or give the other person time to reflect before responding, email might be the better choice. However, for something emotional or complex, a phone call or face-to-face meeting might be best.