How to Deal With a Conversational Narcissist?

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Hanging out with people is supposed to be fun, with conversations that allow for some give and take between everyone. So when that one person—you know the one—constantly hogs the spotlight and can’t seem to talk about anything but themselves and their own life, it can feel exhausting and draining for everybody around them.

A fitting name has been given to this social siphoner: the conversational narcissist. So what exactly is conversational narcissism, and how are you supposed to deal when you find yourself in the presence of one? Let’s get into it.

At a Glance

Conversational narcissists tend to make almost every interaction about themselves, which makes talking with them annoying, frustrating, or downright miserable. It’s not a diagnosed personality disorder, but has glimmers of narcissistic traits. Gently calling out this behavior is usually the best approach for closer friendships, as some people may not even realize they’re doing it in the first place.

Tom Werner / DigitalVision / Getty Images


What Is a Conversational Narcissist? 

Conversational narcissists tend to only talk about themselves, rarely engage others by asking about their life or their thoughts, and may sometimes completely dismiss others to bring the focus right back to themselves, says Leanna Stockard, LMFT, a therapist at LifeStance Health. In other words, it’s a very self-centered approach to conversation. 

12 Signs of a Conversational Narcissistic

 Here are some behaviors that may indicate someone in your life is a conversational narcissist:

  • Interrupting conversations when they want to speak
  • Maximizing the amount of time they talk about themselves 
  • Routinely inserting their opinion into the conversation
  • Acting bored or not engaging in conversations when it’s not about them
  • Failing to ask about others’ lives, thoughts, or opinions 
  • Waiting to talk versus truly listening 
  • Not responding or reacting to shared news 
  • Only asking questions that ultimately lead back to themselves 
  • Loves to give long-winded monologues 
  • Jumps at the chance to talk when others ask for an opinion
  • Often brags about their own accomplishments and achievements
  • Overlooks social cues that indicate others want to speak or share

Are Conversational Narcissists Actually Narcissists?  

When talking about your everyday conversational narcissist—be it a bestie, co-worker, or that one person in your friend group—they’re not necessarily a true narcissist.

Conversational narcissists don’t always meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) based on criteria outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. NPD is typically more menacing since it permeates all aspects of a person’s life—not just their conversations with others. Plus, people with actual NPD may generally be pretty good at chatting. 

“Folks with narcissistic tendencies tend to put on a facade to other people to appear that they are great,” Stockard says. “Narcissists do lack the ability to empathize with other people, but they can hold the facade that they actually care about what the other person is saying if the person is not in their inner circle, or challenging them.” 

She does add, however, that narcissists can be conversational narcissists with the people closest to them. In these cases, their motives are often to manipulate, blame, gaslight, and dismiss the other person.

Why Do Conversational Narcissists Act That Way? 

The thing about conversational narcissists is that sometimes they don’t even realize they’re doing it, and/or they may not possess the skill set (yet) to fix the issue. Others may notice and simply not care or know how to change.

Insecurity 

Low self-esteem and insecurity is a common cause. When people don’t feel great about themselves, they end up oversharing and acting strangely. “Sometimes they are looking for others to validate them, and some try to prove they are worthy to themselves and others. This is often attributed when someone feels insecure about themselves,” explains psychotherapist Lisa Brateman, LCSW.

Folks that struggle with social skills may not be sure of what to say in a conversation, so they attempt to relate with other people by sharing a story about themselves where they have experienced something similar.

—
LEANNA STOCKARD, LMFT

Social Anxiety or Poor Social Skills

People who struggle with social skills may find themselves re-centering themselves in conversation since they don’t really understand when it’s appropriate to offer their input.

“Having difficulty with social skills can create anxiety going into conversations, and people may think of something to say, be fearful that they may forget it, and interrupt in order to get their perspective out there,” Stockard says.

She adds, “Additionally, folks that struggle with social skills may not be sure of what to say in a conversation, so they attempt to relate with other people by sharing a story about themselves where they have experienced something similar.”

ADHD Tendencies 

Some people diagnosed with ADHD may find it difficult to maintain focus in conversations, pick up on social cues, control impulses, or understand when to naturally let others take the reins.

“Due to this, folks with ADHD can find themselves interrupting conversations when something pops into their head, changing the course of the conversation to the additional topics that they have made connections to, or bring the conversation back to themselves due to the focus lost and being unsure what to say,” Stockard says.

This is why it’s important not to judge too quickly or harshly if someone shows signs of conversational narcissism. You may not know what the intention and source of these behaviors are and it’s best not to assume.

Pure Ego

Of course, some conversational narcissists are just plain ego-driven. They love the sound of their own voice, think their opinions are superior to everyone else’s, and seek out the spotlight since they believe they deserve to have the light shining brightly upon them.

How Conversational Narcissism Impacts Relationships 

Conversations can help people feel closer and more connected by sharing and discussing thoughts, ideas, experiences, and opinions with mutual respect and consideration. When one person monopolizes conversations, especially if it happens on a regular basis, it prevents that closeness and connection from happening. 

“[This can] influence everything in the relationship,” Brateman says. “The listener or audience will feel disrespected, ignored, devalued, lonely, and negatively impair mental health.” 

Both people in the relationship need to feel seen and heard. Over time, this is often a deal breaker in relationships.

What ends up happening is that you may distance yourself from conversational narcissists, not include them in group gatherings, or decide not to engage or share with them the same way you would with others.

How to Deal With a Conversational Narcissist 

It may feel awkward, but if you care about this person and want to keep them in your life, the best course of action is to clearly and honestly communicate your feelings and requests with them using plenty of “I”-statements.

“I recommend handling a conversational narcissist initially with an open and honest conversation about what they are doing and how it is impacting you,” Stockard says. “If the person you are speaking to is not a narcissist, and has other reasons for commandeering conversations, they should be able to empathize with your perspective, understand where you are coming from, and will want to work on improving this.” 

If you know the person’s intentions are coming from a good place, she adds that it’s also helpful to soften the blow by saying you understand their good intentions. In cases when you want to go the extra mile, you can discuss potential strategies that may be helpful for them.

Brateman says that the other person likely won’t be “cured” right away, and that it may take several gentle and consistent reminders if the pattern is deeply entrenched for them.

When you’re in a social situation where you don’t know the person as well, being straightforward with a twist of humor can work. Say something like, “My turn!” or “Hold that thought!” This gently points out that they’ve been talking a long time, which keeps tensions low and minimizes hurt feelings in cases where they didn’t realize they were jabbering on.

Basically, you don’t need to come out with guns blazing to steer the spotlight away from the conversational narcissist. If they do keep at it, give yourself permission to walk away and engage with others who are more democratic when it comes to conversing.

Are You a Conversational Narcissist?

If you think you might be a conversational narcissist, self-reflection is step number one in fixing the problem. From there, you can work on a few things.

  • Use Active Listening Skills: “When you are in a conversation, take the listener role and repeat back what you heard and understood from the other person before you share your perspective,” Stockard says. You can also show you’re listening by making eye contact, facing the other person, and nodding your head.
  • Ask Questions: Don’t feel like you need to carry the entire conversation by talking about yourself. The key to connecting with others is to learn about them and ask questions about things you are curious about.
  • Look For Non-Verbal Cues: Be on the lookout for signs that others way to chime in. This may look like raising a hand or finger, leaning inward, taking a big inhale, or trying to start talking. Give others room to share and encourage them to do so.
  • Prepare Yourself: “Before meeting up with people, go in with a mindset and intention to not talk about yourself, to not share a story where you’ve experienced something similar, or share your perspective or opinion unless the other person asks,” Stockard says.

Even if you’re not a true conversational narcissist, you can still benefit from working the above into your interactions.


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It Only Takes One – Mutual Blog

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

We met on mutual. It was the only date either of us ever got off of mutual, and it was the only one we needed. Our first date was at Arctic Circle. I didn’t think the date went very well, but I made sure to get her number because I wanted to try to see her again just because she was so beautiful. But to my surprise, she texted me back and wanted to see me again. The second date went much better. Then I had to leave on a pre-planned vacation the day after the second date. I couldn’t get her out of my mind, but I was half way across the country. “I miss you,” I texted her. “Come back soon,” she texted back. Third date was bringing her to church with me after I got back. Fourth date was a fancy Italian restaurant and our first kiss. Fifth date I asked her to be my girlfriend. It is clear to me that we are soulmates!


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These stories are submitted by real people who met on Mutual. You could be next!


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How Extreme Heat Affects Your Mood and Brain

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

It seems climate change is here to stay (RIP planet earth) which means summers will keep getting hotter and hotter. When temperatures reach ‘fry an egg on your driveway’ levels, it can be hard to think about anything else.

You can try to distract yourself, but the overwhelming heat will probably still occupy your mind and lead to numerous psychological challenges. You may just feel sluggish or irritable or you might have a more serious exacerbation of an underlying mental health condition.

“Extreme heat is a stressor both on the body and the mind,” says JoAnna Leuck, MD, Associate Dean for Academic Affairs at Burnett School of Medicine at Texas Christian University. “Individuals with mental health issues can have more extreme reactions to stress, which can cause their symptoms to worsen.”

Our body and mind like to stay in balance, but heat can throw that balance off. Dr. Nathan Carroll, Chief Resident Psychiatrist, Jersey Shore University Medical Center, observes, “As we feel the physical effects of heat, it can take a toll on our mental state. For example, a person feeling the effects of extreme heat might not be sleeping as well, so along with being fatigued, they may feel more irritable, angry, or anxious during the day.”

In this article, we’ll take you through some of the consequences of extreme heat on your brain and mental health, including its potential impact on mood disorders, cognitive function, and brain health. We’ll also share strategies for coping with extreme heat.

The Relationship Between Heat and Mental Health

Sandra Kushnir, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and CEO of Meridian Counseling, shares this story about heat and mental health: “One of my patients, who has been managing anxiety, noticed a significant increase in symptoms during a particularly hot summer. The constant discomfort from the heat made it difficult for them to sleep, leading to heightened anxiety and irritability. Through our sessions, we developed a plan that included staying hydrated, taking cool showers, and creating a cooler living environment. These strategies helped them manage their anxiety more effectively during the heatwave.”

In fact, research has shown a connection between heat and mental health. For example, a review of published studies on heat waves and mental health outcomes found that high temperatures were associated with a range of mental health impacts. The most evidence was found for increased suicide risk, however in extreme heat there was also evidence of increased emergency department visits and hospitalizations for a variety of mental health conditions.

JoAnna Leuck, MD

Extreme heat is a stressor both on the body and the mind. Individuals with mental health issues can have more extreme reactions to stress, which can cause their symptoms to worsen.

— JoAnna Leuck, MD

Furthermore, another study found that in extreme heat, the increase in mental health issues could at least partially be due to decreased environmental awareness and decreased capacity for the adoption of behavioral change in conditions such as psychosis and schizophrenia. In addition, mental health issues are often exacerbated by certain psychiatric medications’ capacity to increase heat vulnerability.

The extreme heat can have a substantial influence on mood, cognition, and behavior. “With extreme heat, there is… an increase in interpersonal conflict and violence,” says Leuck. “It can lead to mood changes, including anger and outbursts.”

Cheryl Groskopf, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles observes, “Neuroimaging studies have shown that extreme heat exposure can alter brain activity and connectivity, impacting cognitive functions like memory and attention. Your behavior might change too—you may snap at people more easily or have trouble completing tasks.”

This can be due in part to heat’s impact on neurotransmitters, which are the chemicals that help your brain cells communicate. The neurotransmitters serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine are thought to be involved in thermoregulation, and these are the very neurotransmitters that many psychotropic drugs such as antidepressants and antipsychotics target. In addition, “heat can increase the release of [the stress hormone] cortisol, which can impact anxiety and mood,” Groskopf says.

Heat and Mood Disorders

Heat can make symptoms of several mood disorders, like depression and bipolar disorder, worse. “For individuals with depression, the additional stress and discomfort from heat can deepen feelings of hopelessness and fatigue,” explains Kushnir. “Those with bipolar disorder might experience more intense manic or depressive episodes. The physiological strain of maintaining body temperature can lead to sleep disturbances, which further destabilizes mood.”

Other conditions can be impacted by extreme heat too. For example, Groskopf observes, “the embarrassment of being excessively hot or sweaty can amplify social anxiety and feeling self-conscious.”

Heat and Cognitive Function

In the face of extreme heat, ” there is not as much ability for certain cognitive functions, and one may have decreased memory, slower decision making, and decreased ability to pay attention to tasks,” says Leuck.

“Studies have shown that test scores and work productivity can decline significantly in hot environments,” explains Kushnir.

Heat and Brain Health

Brain health can suffer when the body is exposed to extreme heat for a long time, too. As Groskopf says, “There is some evidence that exposure to heat-stress can cause inflammation, which can even damage certain brain cells. Over time, this may lead to problems with memory, learning, and overall brain function.”

In addition, Kushnir observes, “In certain conditions such as heat stroke where the body can not regulate its internal temperature in the face of extreme heat, the blood-brain barrier [a protective layer of cells that defend your brain from types of damaging substances] is disrupted, potentially leading to neurological issues.”

Coping Strategies for Extreme Heat

There are several things you can do to cope with extreme heat.

  • Stay hydrated. Drink a lot of water and, as Carroll says, “Check up on family members who may forget to drink fluids.”
  • Wear light, breathable clothing and try to stay in shaded or indoor spaces, especially during the hottest times of the day. “Go to public spaces with air conditioning,” says Carroll, “such as libraries, malls, and shopping centers, if you don’t have [air conditioning]….”
  • Use a portable fan, if possible. “I once brought a mini portable fan to a friend’s wedding in the blazing summer heat,” says Groskepf. “Within an hour, there was a line of friends waiting to cool off with it. This small step made a huge difference and kept me more comfortable.”
  • Practice relaxation techniques, such as mindfulness and deep breathing. As Kushnir explains, “[relaxation techniques] can reduce stress and improve mood.”
  • Talk to your doctor about any psychiatric medications you’re on that may make you more sensitive to heat. Carroll explains, “Antidepressants, antipsychotics, and benzodiazepines can decrease our thirst sensations (so we can’t tell we’re getting dehydrated) [and] antipsychotics and anticholinergic medications can affect our internal thermoregulation. Lithium, a common medication for bipolar disorder, in particular, can increase the risk for dehydration, leading to a potentially toxic increase in its own blood level.”

Keep in Mind

While the effects of extreme heat can be difficult to handle, especially if you have a mental health condition, it can be done.

For example, Carroll tells this story: “One of my patients loves gardening, walking, and hiking. However, they are very sensitive to heat, were getting lightheaded during [a] heatwave, and are taking medications that are known to cause dehydration. We discussed staying hydrated, getting out of the midday heat, and getting into the shade. We also discussed changing their summer routine to avoid the worst effects of the heat.”

It can be difficult to change your routine, especially if it impacts what you can do, but in heat waves, it may be best to adjust things for the benefit of your mood, brain, and mental health.

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By Cynthia Vinney, PhD

Cynthia Vinney, PhD is an expert in media psychology and a published scholar whose work has been published in peer-reviewed psychology journals.


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Are You Too Picky When You Date?

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Do you ever wonder if you’re too picky when you date?

If you tend to focus on what’s wrong when you meet someone new, you might be too picky. It’s a common self-protective habit, but what if I told you focusing on flaws could be blocking your success finding love?

In the video below, I share a personal story that made me realize the power of shifting my mindset when it came to dating.

It all started with a surprising little shift of perspective on a Sunday morning that made me realize I was unknowingly sabotaging my chances of finding a partner.

I realized I was wearing what I call “dating goggles.”

“Dating goggles” are the negative lenses we put on when meeting someone new, focusing on flaws rather than seeing true beauty and potential.

Once I learned how to take off my dating goggles, I was able to truly appreciate and connect with the person in front of me which made dating much more fun and successful.

In this conversation, my colleague and I explore the importance of stepping back from judgment and embracing curiosity and why doing that will help you find love.

We talk about why being too picky when you date doesn’t serve you AT ALL.

You’ll learn how embracing positivity and curiosity instead of focusing on flaws can transform your dating experience and chances of meeting your partner.

We also discuss the importance of consistency in dating so you can meet a reliable, respectful partner who shows genuine interest, and sincerely cares about you.

When you find someone who gives love effortlessly, rather than making you feel like you’re constantly pursuing it, that’s when you know you’re on the right path.

Join me in this video where I share my experiences and insights on how to break free from dating blocks and discover amazing connections!


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Is Smut Ruining Our Love Lives?

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


On average, I read around 200 books a year with most being romance novels. I like all the subgenres—shifter romance, historical, mafia, marriage of convenience, the list goes on. I’m a dedicated member of the romance books Reddit channel, a regular #BookTok watcher, and a fanfiction fiend who spends days searching for hidden gems in Archive of Our Own (AO3), a fanfiction library.

Basically, I’m a book nerd. Have been since I was 13 and read the many One Direction fanfictions on Wattpad. My pre-teen years were all about gritty romances with bad boys who wore leather jackets, chain-smoked cigarettes, and treated the female protagonist like absolute sh*t. Oh, and tons of smut too.

Majority of my early romance reader experiences contain smut—aka sexually explicit scenes in books. Even now, in my early twenties, most of my novels have a degree of spice, whether that’s fade-to-black (when content happens off-page) or an in-your-face sexual moment between two characters.

Most single women (lol, me) are as faithless as ever over dating but their reading choices don’t reflect that. We’re all obsessed with book boyfriends, perfect romance, and fairytale love. After all, romance novels are a billion-dollar industry that’s growing unprecedently every year. However, does this obsession over fictional love and/or the perfect level of steaminess in these storybook relationships come at the expense of our dating lives? I’m not sure, but I did some digging to find out.

When Reading Smut Bleeds into Real Life

Perhaps, I’ve been single for too long (I have), but I often fantasize about book characters and wonder: why can’t I have that in real life? These book boyfriends are *literally* killing their enemies to protect their women and meanwhile, I can’t get a text back.

And I’m not the only one who feels this way. So many BookTokers have made videos comparing the disappointment that is real-life men to fictional characters.

And yes, I understand these characters are fictional but what they’re doing—being intentional and communicative, showing love and care—is what I want from my partner. Are my expectations too high or am I being delusional and ignoring how IRL dating works?

Sex therapist Dr. Katherine Hertlein leans more towards the latter. “It’s important to remember erotica characters and storylines are crafted for entertainment, with exaggerated and idealized relationships,” she says. “For example, while a romance novel might depict a partner who always knows exactly what to say and do, real-life relationships require communication and effort to understand each other’s needs.”

She continues, adding that most romance novels don’t include the mundane stuff (i.e. the awkward and dull but totally necessary conversations between potential partners). Things like communication challenges or conflict. They rarely—if ever—include the courting stage of dating. Romance novels, frankly, ignore all the bad parts of dating and relationships and paint a very pretty picture we all covet.

What Does Reading Smut Say About Relationships, Dating, and Sex?

There’s nothing wrong with reading erotica or smut. If anything, it’s a form of escapism, says Dr. Hertlein. “The growing popularity of romance and erotic novels suggests that more people are enjoying the escapism that comes with getting into these kinds of stories.“

More people are also eager to learn about their sexual desires, says Dr. Janet Brito, a sex therapist and founder of The Sexual Health School. She credits the popularization of smut to individuals seeking inspiration to improve their own sex lives and the rising interest in different relationship types like polyamory.

Even single people like myself who avidly read smut can find value. Research shows that consuming sexually explicit content helps people feel more sexually confident with themselves and their bodies. I wasn’t taught to feel okay with sex and sexual desires, but erotica and smut have become safe spaces for me to shed this shame and guilt.

Smut Promotes Unrealistic Sex

All of this to say, romance novels are still a fantasy, and so is the sex in them. Think about it—how often does smut show the awkwardness of sex?: queefing and farts, gag reflexes, failing condoms, or even the messiness of the lube. Smut has its benefits but it can be harmful to your relationship and sex life if you’re comparing your IRL sex life to a fictional one.

“Consuming a lot of erotic literature might lead to unrealistic expectations about sex,” Dr. Hertlein explains. “The scenarios, physical appearances, and behaviors depicted in smut are often exaggerated or idealized, which can create dissatisfaction with real-life sexual experiences.”

The scenarios, physical appearances, and behaviors depicted in smut are often exaggerated or idealized, which can create dissatisfaction with real-life sexual experiences.

—
DR. KATHERINE HERTLEIN, SEX THERAPIST

Moreover, smut often promotes an unrealistic depiction of orgasms. A 2013 study found that most book female protagonists reach the Big O more than male characters and many of these orgasms occur via penetration, which is not realistic for most. (In fact, a 2015 study reported that 36.6% of women between 18 and 94 need clitoral stimulation to orgasm).

The 2013 study also concluded that female orgasms in books are presented as physical transformations that happen in minutes. Something, as a woman, I can say is very rare.

Smut helps readers with their desires and sex lives, but it also promotes unrealistic expectations of sex. The fact is sex is enjoyable but can be awkward, messy, and sometimes damn awful. Keep that in mind the next time you’re fantasizing over a fictional book character’s “perfect” sex.

How to Have a Healthy Sex Live While Reading Smut (Because, Yes, It’s Possible)

Sometimes, we readers get swept up in the fantasies. Eyes so glued to the paperback novel that IRL intimacy and sex have become non-existent. While a smut addiction does not exist, according to Dr. Brito, there is such a thing as too much smut, especially if it’s beginning to impact your relationships.

“It may become unhealthy if you’re neglecting other responsibilities or avoiding engagement in real-life relationships,” she says.

In other words, if you’re forgoing intimacy with your partner because they don’t “perform” like the book boyfriends or are abandoning quality time with your S.O. because you’re too focused on the novel, you might need to cut back on the smut.

You don’t have to quit entirely but establishing boundaries could help. “To maintain a healthy relationship with erotica without damaging your sexual and romantic relationships, set limits on reading time to ensure it doesn’t interfere with quality time with your partner,” Dr. Hertlein says. “Prioritize real-life intimacy by consciously focusing on physical and emotional connections with your partner over fictional experiences.”

Always reflect on your desire to read erotica, Dr. Hertlein adds. If you’re reading smut because you like it, great! But if you find yourself obsessed with the sex or romance in the novel because it’s lacking in your own life, maybe it’s time to put the book down.

Reminder

Romance novels and erotica are fantastical works and should not replace physical connection.

So, Does Smut Ruin Dating?

The short answer? No. The long answer? Too much smut can create intimacy, dating, and relationship issues. But that’s where discernment comes in.

“Accept that romance and smut books are primarily designed for entertainment,” Dr. Brito advises. “They often feature characters with ideal qualities and nearly perfect relationships. While they may include elements of real-life scenarios, their main purpose is to entertain you.”

Accept that romance and smut books are primarily designed for entertainment. While they may include elements of real-life scenarios, their main purpose is to entertain you.

Certain things like weird and awkward sex or miscommunication just aren’t entertaining, so most romance and erotica won’t include them. But that doesn’t mean they don’t happen in real life. Not every sexual moment between you and your partner (or even yourself) will be as magical as the novels claim. And dating sometimes sucks!

Your perfect partner may not be a billionaire mafioso who kills any man who looks at you. It’s very unlikely you’ll randomly stumble upon the heir to a multi-million-dollar corporation and fake marry him to save your family from their rising debt. Frankly, you’ll kiss lots of toads before you meet the prince.

Because, unfortunately, that’s the real world. And we live there, not in the sentences and fragments of an author.

Takeaways

It’s so easy to get swept into the romanticism of it all, but being rooted in fantasy only leads to disappointment and maybe resentment.

Dating is already hard and I don’t need to make it any harder by being delusional. Finding a book boyfriend (does a thing even exist?) is not as easy as these female protagonists proclaim. And even if I find one, there’s no certainty that we’ll be compatible, have a happily ever after, or even have a good sex life. Hell, we may break up after two to three years.

The story may be set in stone but real life never is. Keep that in mind the next time you’re scrolling on Hinge and believe you found the *one.* Chances are, they’re nothing more than another number.




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Speed Dating Arrives on Mutual! – Mutual Blog

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

The goal of Mutual is to bring people together, and that all starts with helping people meet and start conversations.

Until now, the only way to interact with people on Mutual has been by swiping up and down on their profiles. This is a great way to express interest and start a connection, but we thought we could do one better! I mean, we have the biggest community of LDS singles on the planet. Why have only one way to interact with them? 

The Mutual team has been working for the past six months to bring an innovative new way to connect with the people on Mutual.. We are so excited to finally share this feature with you!

Benefits of Speed Dating

  • See other people who are online right now, during the session.
  • Invite others to short, 5-minute text conversations. Break the ice and see if there is a connection!
  • No chemistry? No problem or commitment once the chat ends.

So, how does speed dating work?

  • Each week at pre-scheduled times, speed dating sessions will be enabled for several hours. 
  • Once a week, you’ll receive 1 free ticket to enter a session for 1 hour. MutualUp users have unlimited tickets.
  • During a session, review the profiles of other people online who also have joined the session.
  • See someone you want to talk to? Send them a request.
  • The other person will receive a notification indicating that someone is requesting a speed date and can choose to accept or decline.
  • If a speed date is accepted, you both will jump into a 5-minute timed text chat session to get to know each other.
  • After the time is up, both you and they will have the choice to keep the conversation going (and match!) or to politely decline.

Why you will love Speed Dating

  • Unlike other speed dating events, things here aren’t random. You can see who you are requesting to talk to, as well as those who request to talk to you. (We may add random matching features in the future.)
  • Everyone in a live Speed Dating session has the same goal – meeting someone to talk to RIGHT now. No more guessing at intentions or wondering if the other person is ever going to message you back. You know they’re online and ready to chat, too!
  • Sending a speed dating request (or accepting one!) isn’t a marriage proposal. 😉 Take a chance! If you both hit it off and want to continue the conversation, great! If not, no pressure; that’s the whole point of speed dating.

Conclusion

Here at Mutual, we care deeply about helping people connect. Speed dating is the first of many ideas we are working on to help more people find their person.

Thank you for trusting us! We are here for you. 🫶

The Mutual Team

Frequently Asked Questions:

  • Q: What happens if I get multiple requests to chat?
    A: You will see the requests in the order in which they come in. Accepting them will put you in a “busy” state and let others know you are unavailable.
  • Q: Will there be Video or Audio calls? Or just text?
    A: We are launching with text chats only for now. However, video and voice may be an option in the future if there is enough interest!
  • Q: What happens if we both choose to continue the conversation?
    A: Both you and the other person will leave speed dating and go to the normal Mutual chat tab, where you can continue to talk without a time limit.
  • Q: Will we only be shown profiles that fit our filters? Such as age and distance?
    A: You will only see people that match your filters for age and distance. People will not be able to see you if they are outside of your age range. People will be able to see if you are within their distance range and their age is within your age filter.
  • Q: I encountered something weird or broken with Speed Dating. What should I do?
    A: We built the first version of Speed Dating focused primarily on simplicity, stability, and scalability, but there are bound to be bugs and issues that arise that we didn’t catch in our internal testing. If you encounter any issues or have ideas or feedback, please submit it using our feedback form here or email us at support@mutual.app.


Mutual Team

Our team of love experts at Mutual works hard to make sure you have the most helpful dating advice out there. Whether you’re still searching for your person or working to move your relationship from the chat bubble to in-person, we’ve got your back every step of the way.


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Tips to Stay Productive When You’re Stressed at Work

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

We’ve all been there: swamped with deadlines, overwhelmed with multiple tasks, and exhausted by never-ending assignments. Whether it’s a looming deadline, a major project, or the daily grind, staying productive when stressed feels like an uphill battle.

Taking care of yourself is key to managing work stress effectively, says Ashley Peña, LCSW, the executive director at the mental health care center, Mission Connection. “Having the right tools to focus on your well-being can directly support how you manage stress.“

But what does this self-care look like? We tagged some mental health experts and got their recommendations on the best stress-relief strategies that can help improve your work productivity.

At a Glance

Stress and work form a vicious cycle that throws our productivity off track.

Prioritizing tasks, compartmentalizing projects, setting realistic deadlines, and managing time efficiently can help us stay productive when we’re uber stressed.

However, if you don’t have a healthy work-life balance, no amount of project management can prevent burnout.

How Stress Impacts Work (and Vice Versa)

Stress and work have a bidirectional relationship, where each can significantly impact the other. Stress is not inherently bad—it can sometimes motivate you to stay on track. But it can also be super damaging to your emotional and mental health. How? We explain below.

How Stress Impacts Work

Stress impacts our work depending on the level of stress we’re experiencing, says Jenna Nielsen, MSW, LCSW, a therapist at ADHDAdvisor. “A small amount of stress may make our work better or more valuable; whereas, high stress typically causes us to make mistakes, become overwhelmed, or feel incapable of the job,” she says.

Peña explains our body releases hormones like cortisol, norepinephrine, and adrenaline when we’re stressed and these hormones can affect our work by causing emotional fluctuations, irritability, and difficulty concentrating. “The higher the stress, the more these hormones are released, leading to more noticeable side effects,” she adds.

According to research, these are some of the ways that stress can affect our performance at work:

  • Decreased productivity: Stress can impair our focus, concentration, and decision-making abilities, leading to lower productivity.
  • Increased errors: When we’re stressed, we’re more prone to making mistakes and oversights, affecting the quality of our work.
  • Poor communication: Stress can make us irritable and less empathetic, hindering collaboration and teamwork.
  • Burnout: Chronic stress can lead to burnout, which is characterized by extreme exhaustion, reduced motivation, and an inability to function.
  • Absenteeism: Physical and mental health issues caused by stress can lead to increased sick days.

How Work Causes Stress

Maybe it’s not procrastination or lounging around at work. You might have a high-stress job filled with demanding managers and overloading tasks. Or, your company is doing layoffs and you’re anxiously worried your name is next on the chopping block. In those cases, work can exacerbate your stress levels in different ways:

  • Excessive workload: An excessive workload or unrealistic expectations can create significant stress.
  • Poor work-life balance: All work and no time to relax can affect our mental and physical well-being, causing us to be chronically stressed out.
  • Job insecurity: Fear of losing our jobs is a major stressor that can take a toll on our performance.
  • Negative relationships: Conflict with our colleagues or managers can increase our stress levels.
  • Workplace environment: A toxic or unsupportive work environment can heighten stress levels. Issues like poor management, office politics, layoffs, bullying, harassment, or a lack of collaboration can contribute to a stressful and unhealthy atmosphere.

How to Stay Productive

Who said you can’t be productive and stress-free? These strategies can help you get work done without feeling overwhelmed:

  • Create a schedule: Plan your day with specific time blocks for each task. Include short breaks for rest and recharge.
  • Prioritize: List your tasks in order of priority and focus on the most critical tasks first. You’ll feel less stressed when the more urgent stuff is out of the way.
  • Break it down: Divide larger tasks into smaller, more manageable chunks to make your workload feel less overwhelming. Completing smaller tasks and progressing steadily toward your goal will help boost your confidence.
  • Establish deadlines: Set realistic deadlines to avoid procrastination and stay on track.
  • Manage your time: Use time-management techniques like the Pomodoro Technique to help you get things done efficiently.
  • Avoid multitasking: Focus on one task at a time. Avoid multitasking as trying to do too many things at once can bump up your stress levels and reduce your efficiency.
  • Declutter: Keeping your workspace neat, organized, and uncluttered can reduce distractions and improve your focus.
  • Delegate tasks: Don’t be afraid to delegate tasks to colleagues or team members when possible. This can help reduce your workload.

  • Take a break: If you see your work quality decreasing, it’s time to take a break, says Nielsen. It might sound counterintuitive but breaks can refresh your mind and give you renewed focus.
  • Take a mental health day: If your stress levels are too high and you can’t function, take a mental health day to relax and recharge your batteries.

Strategies to Calm Down Quickly

When stress hits hard at work and you feel an anxiety attack coming, you need to calm down quickly to regain your focus and get back to “work” mode. Here are some strategies that can help:

  • Deep breathing: Take slow, deep breaths. Inhale through your nose for a count of four, hold for four counts, and exhale through your mouth for another four. Repeat this a few times to lower your heart rate and relax your mind.
  • Counting: Distract your mind by counting backward from 100 by sevens.
  • Meditation: Spend a few minutes meditating. Close your eyes and focus on breathing, putting aside any intrusive thoughts.
  • Music: Listen to soothing music that calms you down. Choose something instrumental or with a slow tempo.
  • Muscle relaxation: Progressive muscle relaxation helps release stored stress in the body. Tense and release different muscle groups, starting from your toes and working your way up.
  • Grounding: Anchor yourself in the present moment with the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. This involves looking around you and identifying five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
  • Mindful observation: Pick an object and spend a few minutes observing it closely. Notice its shape, color, texture, and any other details.

  • Visualization: Close your eyes and visualize a place where you feel calm and happy, such as a beach, forest, or a cozy room. Imagine yourself there, focusing on the sights, sounds, and feelings associated with that place.
  • Walking: Leave your desk and take a short walk, preferably outside. A change of scenery and a little fresh air goes a long way.
  • Aromatherapy: If possible, use a few drops of calming essential oils like lavender or chamomile on a tissue or diffuser. The soothing scent can help you relax.

How to Tell Your Manager You’re Struggling

Sometimes meditation techniques or a well-planned task list aren’t enough to alleviate workplace stress. You might have to get your manager involved. It is daunting? Abso-freaking-lutely. But chatting with your boss is the first step towards getting the support you need. Once your manager knows about your issues, they can collaborate with you to find solutions like reducing workloads or adopting new strategies and procedures that promote a healthier work-life balance, says Peña.

Not sure how to approach your manager? Here are a few tips:

  • Be prepared: Take some time to think about the specific issues you’re facing and how best to articulate them. Being prepared for the conversation will help you communicate more clearly.
  • Document examples: Note down specific instances where stress has impacted your work. This helps illustrate your points and makes the conversation more productive.
  • Schedule a meeting: Request a private meeting with your manager to discuss your concerns. Avoid bringing up the topic in group settings or when your manager is in the middle of something.
  • Open the conversation: Start by expressing that you value your role and want to do your best. For example, “I really enjoy working here and want to be as effective as possible, but I’ve been experiencing a lot of stress lately.”
  • Share specific concerns: Concisely explain the factors contributing to your stress. Be specific about what’s bothering you, whether it’s the workload, deadlines, or particular tasks.
  • Explain the impact: Describe how stress is affecting your work performance: “Since I’m staffed on so many projects, I’ve been finding it difficult to meet my deliverables for any of them.”

  • Offer solutions: Instead of just complaining, offer potential solutions or suggestions for improvement. For example, “I’ve noticed that balancing multiple projects simultaneously has been challenging. Could we discuss prioritizing tasks or possibly delegating some responsibilities?”
  • Listen actively: Be open to your manager’s feedback and suggestions, as they may be able to offer solutions you hadn’t thought of.
  • Collaborate on a plan: Work together to create a plan that addresses your stress and improves your work situation. This could include adjusting workloads, setting more realistic deadlines, or providing additional support or resources.
  • Check-in regularly: After the initial conversation, schedule follow-up meetings to discuss your progress and any other concerns. Stress management is an ongoing process, so maintaining open communication is crucial.

Long-Term Strategies for Work-Life Balance

One of the best ways to reduce work stress is to stop working. Sounds unbelievable, but I’m serious. Hear me out: a healthy work-life balance is key to staying productive and maintaining stability, says Peña. Below, you’ll find strategies that’ll help you balance work and home:

  • Maintain office hours: Establish specific work hours and stick to them. Communicate these boundaries to your managers and coworkers.
  • Set boundaries: Don’t overcommit yourself. Be realistic about what you can handle and don’t be afraid to decline additional tasks or responsibilities you don’t have the bandwidth for.
  • Practice self-care: Make your physical and mental well-being non-negotiable. Nielsen says to ensure you’re eating a balanced diet, getting regular exercise, staying hydrated, treating any physical illnesses, avoiding mood-altering substances, and maintaining quality sleep.
  • Allow for personal time: It’s important to find some time to pause, reflect, and spend time with family, says Peña. 
  • Find relaxing hobbies: Engage in relaxing activities such as reading, yoga, or outside with nature.
  • Plan vacations: Use your vacation time to disconnect from work and recharge. Plan regular vacations or staycations to relax and unwind.
  • Accept your limits: Remember that we are only human. Nielsen says it’s important to accept that you are doing your best and you’re only capable of so much.

  • Practice gratitude: Focus on the aspects of your life you’re thankful for to foster a positive mindset.
  • Ask for help: If you’re struggling with chronic stress, Nielsen recommends talking to a trusted family member, friend, manager, life coach, or mental healthcare provider about how it’s impacting you and asking for help.
  • Consider career changes: If your workload doesn’t let up and your health is suffering, it may be time to think about changing your job or career.

Takeaways

Stress can take a toll on your productivity as well as your health. Find ways to manage it—not just in the short-term to make that deadline—but in the long run to maintain a healthy and sustainable work-life balance.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

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  2. Bui, T., Zackula, R., Dugan, K., & Ablah, E. (2021). Workplace stress and productivity: A cross-sectional study. Kansas Journal of Medicine, 14, 42–45. https://doi.org/10.17161/kjm.vol1413424

  3. Salam, A., Segal, D. M., Abu-Helalah, M. A., Gutierrez, M. L., Joosub, I., Ahmed, W., Bibi, R., Clarke, E., & Qarni, A. A. A. (2019). The impact of work-related stress on medication errors in Eastern Region Saudi Arabia. International Journal for Quality in Health Care: Journal of the International Society for Quality in Health Care, 31(1), 30–35. https://doi.org/10.1093/intqhc/mzy097

  4. Bowers C, Kreutzer C, Cannon-Bowers J, Lamb J. Team resilience as a second-order emergent state: A theoretical model and research directions. Front Psychol. 2017 Aug 17;8:1360. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01360

  5. Bayes, A., Tavella, G., & Parker, G. (2021). The biology of burnout: Causes and consequences. The World Journal of Biological Psychiatry: The Official Journal of the World Federation of Societies of Biological Psychiatry, 22(9), 686–698. https://doi.org/10.1080/15622975.2021.1907713

  6. Thomas, T. E., Eyal, R., Menchavez, F., Mocci, T., Goldblatt, G., Lanoff, J., Hays, M., Shim, J. J., & Barry, T. P. (2019). Reducing workplace absenteeism caused by work stress in a health maintenance organization department of psychiatry. The Permanente Journal, 24, 19.027. https://doi.org/10.7812/TPP/19.027

  7. Asfaw, A. G., & Chang, C.-C. (2019). The association between job insecurity and engagement of employees at work. Journal of Workplace Behavioral Health, 34(2), 96–110. https://doi.org/10.1080/15555240.2019.1600409

  8. CASTELLINI, G., CONSONNI, D., & COSTA, G. (2022). Conflicts in the workplace, negative acts and health consequences: Evidence from a clinical evaluation. Industrial Health, 61(1), 40–55. https://doi.org/10.2486/indhealth.2021-0283

  9. Rasool, S. F., Wang, M., Tang, M., Saeed, A., & Iqbal, J. (2021). How toxic workplace environment effects the employee engagement: The mediating role of organizational support and employee wellbeing. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18(5), 2294. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18052294

Sanjana Gupta Bio Photo

By Sanjana Gupta

Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.


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Where to Find a Single Man – On the Pickleball Court

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Wondering where to find a quality single man?

While I’m a big fan of Meetup groups, speed dating events, and chatting up strangers pretty much anywhere (I met my husband at a restaurant), if you want to know where to find a single man, playing Pickleball is by far the most fun way to uplevel your social life and meet an eligible single man.

Yes, I admit it, I’m totally obsessed with the game!

If you don’t know what it is, Pickleball is a fun and easy sport that combines elements of tennis, ping-pong, and badminton. In fact, it’s the fastest-growing sport in the USA!

It’s a sport that doesn’t take itself too seriously. It has a funny name, a quirky sound, and a simple rule: have fun!

And anyone can play, regardless of age. I’ve played with 20-year-olds and 90-year-olds.

It’s a game you can enjoy at any level. If you’re not at all athletic, that’s perfectly fine. And if you’re sporty, you can play in tournaments and spend a lifetime mastering the game.

It’s a game men and women can play together.

I’ve been a tennis player my whole life and mostly played with women. In my opinion, Pickleball is way more fun. It’s a sport where men and women often play together. It’s a great way to meet single men!

What kind of single men will you meet?

You’ll meet a diverse group of people from many different cultures and backgrounds. My pickleball buds are some of the most wonderful and interesting folks I’ve ever met.

Any way you slice it (pun intended), playing Pickleball is an amazing way to grow your social circle, meet single men of all ages, and maybe even find the love of your life.

So, where can you find a single man?

On the Pickleball court!

My friends John and Heather met while playing pickleball at their local YMCA. They got married on the Pickleball court where they met!

Where to find a single man wedding pickleball court

My mom once told me people show their true colors when playing a sport, and she was right. You can tell a lot about people on the court.

Pickleball requires communication and teamwork so it’s easy to spot a man who is someone supportive, positive, and encouraging. Keep an eye out for the good ones when you play!

Where to play Pickleball (and meet single men)…

No matter where you live or travel, it’s easy to find people to play with because Pickleball is everywhere. Just do a Google search.

Look for “open play” where you can show up and play with whoever’s there. Just bring a paddle and join the fun.

Sometimes referred to as “drop-in”, open play is a great place to meet single men in a relaxed and playful environment where it’s easy to connect, laugh together, and simply have a blast. You never know who you might hit it off with on the court!

But first, consider taking a beginner’s clinic to learn the basics. You can Google those too.

For me, Pickleball has been the perfect physical and mental health elixir. I enjoy being outside (you can play inside too), I love spending time with old and new friends, and moving my body feels great. Pickleball delivers all of the above and so much more!

No matter what your level of experience, Pickleball is a fun time with awesome people where you can be yourself and have a blast.

It’s also a great place to find a single man!

So, whether you’re looking to make new friends or meet one special person, Pickleball might be the answer for you.

Take my advice – go grab a paddle, and head to the nearest court. You’ll be glad you did! And let me know how it goes!

Want to learn more about where to meet a quality single man?

Read my book, Never Waste Time on the Wrong Man Again – it’s free and it’s a game-changer! Consider it my gift to you! 🙂


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