Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Sigh. Is there any feeling better than New Relationship Energy? We’ll wait. Those emotions that happen when the stars align for you and your new boo, where the emotional connection is steadily intensifying, honestly can’t be beat.

“New relationship energy usually refers to the intense excitement, euphoria, and almost electrical sensation typically experienced at the beginning of a romantic relationship,” explains Kristin Papa, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of Living Openhearted Therapy and Wellness.

It’s what makes you want to spend all your time with your new love. It’s why it might feel like your skin is buzzing and your heart is bursting whenever they are around. It’s all about those butterflies in your stomach and the conversations that stretch into the early hours of the morning.

 NRE is also an important part of a relationship because it helps foster the deep bond that sets the stage for a lasting connection. “It’s generally characterized by a heightened sense of emotions and attraction which can, at times, translate into increased physical and emotional intimacy,” Papa explains.

As magical and intoxicating as this new relationship energy feels, it doesn’t last forever. As the relationship progresses, these emotions gradually wane and fade as reality sets in. Just because the shine has worn off doesn’t mean anything is wrong with your relationship. It’s not only normal–it’s completely expected!

Understanding NRE

New relationship energy emerges at the start of a romantic relationship. We experience a heightened sense of emotional and physical connection fueled by the mix of brain chemicals, such as dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, released when we fall in love.

These chemicals also impact the brain’s reward system, which is why spending time with your new partner feels so satisfying–and why you crave their presence so strongly.

So, what factors influence how we experience this new relationship energy? Kate Engler, LMFT, CST, a licensed couples and sex therapist at Three Points Relationships, explains that new relationship energy happens at the start of a relationship for a few different reasons. 

Novelty

“Everything about the person is new, which means it is novel and different than what we are used to. Our brains naturally get activated when we encounter new things—including new people,” Engler says. 

Under normal circumstances, this mechanism helps protect us from danger. This works a little differently when we are falling in love.

“The brain chemicals that get activated to protect us from threat show up as a heightened sense of feelings and intensity,” Engler explains. “It’s like feeling nervous-excited about riding a roller coaster vs. nervous-scared about taking a test.”

The Brain’s Reward System

Physical and sexual chemistry help amplify feelings of new relationship energy. The brain’s reward system also plays a role in amplifying these feelings.

“Being newly in love also activates the brain’s reward systems in the same ways being high on drugs does, which is why NRE can feel so intoxicating and why some people approach it like a drug—they continually seek out that feeling and disengage when it goes away,” Engler says.

Increased Vulnerability

Engler also notes that certain parts of our brains become less active when we fall in love. “These are the parts related to critical judgment and the parts that distinguish another person’s thoughts/feelings/behaviors from our own,” she says. “This allows us to let our guard down and be vulnerable in a way we might not otherwise and increases the feeling of shared experience or “oneness.”

This change is natural, but understandably, it might be concerning or disheartening for some couples. You might worry that something is wrong, that you’re becoming bored with your relationship, or that you’ve lost the spark that made your relationship so great.

It’s important to remember that this transition doesn’t mean the passion is gone; instead, it can be an opportunity for your relationship to become closer, deeper, and even more meaningful. And while you might not feel like you’re caught up in that heady whirlwind of emotions, you can take steps to keep the energy that made the early days of your relationship feel so special.

How Do These Feelings Affect Us?

New relationship energy is typically a great thing. It feels good and helps us forge satisfying relationships. When you are in this phase of a relationship, you’ll experience heightened feelings of happiness, contentment, and well-being. That rush of chemicals that help you fall in love also boosts your mood, increases your energy levels, and enhances your overall well-being.

All this good energy can have a positive impact on your relationship, too. Couples who experience a lot of this energy are often more affectionate and communicative. They also spend more time together, which can help foster a closer emotional bond and a strong sense of mutual understanding. That intense desire to know the other person also leads to a stronger sense of empathy, concern, and care, which can help lay a solid foundation for a lasting relationship.

That’s why it’s important to try to balance that new relationship energy with a healthy dose of realism. Try to remember that the strong emotions that characterize this phase of your relationship will temper with time.

Managing New Relationship Energy

To navigate new relationship energy in a healthy and balanced way, you’ll need to focus on self-awareness, communication, and intentionality. The rush of emotions you are experiencing is thrilling, but being thoughtful about how you respond to your feelings can help ensure that the foundation you are laying is sustainable for the long term. Strategies that can help you manage this new relationship energy include the following:

Set Clear Boundaries

It’s easy to get swept up in the flood of feelings that make you want to spend every waking moment with your new partner. Papa suggests that boundaries can be key, which also involves investing time in your other relationships with friends and family. “It can also be helpful to gradually integrate your new partner into your existing life rather than completely reorganizing around them,” she says.

Make an intentional effort to make time for your existing relationships, commitments, and obligations. Carving out space for other things ensures you don’t let those parts of your life fall by the wayside. It also helps you maintain your personal space and individuality without letting the relationship become all-consuming.

Communicate Your Needs

When you’re caught up in that new relationship energy, it sometimes means you might ignore your own wants, needs, and concerns to keep your new partner happy. Talking about your feelings and expectations is important, so don’t be afraid to bring up the things on your mind—both the good and the bad. 

“One strategy to manage new relationship energy can be to discuss the pace of the relationship with your partner and express your desires and expectations openly so you both can understand each other’s needs and wants. Starting a relationship based on open and honest communication can allow you to develop a strong foundation for the relationship,” says Kristin Papa, LCSW

Open communication at this early point helps set the stage for the future of your relationship. Transparency can foster greater intimacy, trust, and understanding. Setting clear expectations at the outset can help ensure that neither of you feels blindsided or disappointed as your relationship matures and evolves.

Manage Expectations

Everything may feel perfect when you’re caught up in this new relationship energy. But it’s important to remember that no matter how great things seem, no relationship is free from challenges.  

Being realistic from the outset and making a conscious effort not to ignore potential red flags and dealbreakers can ensure that these are just normal minor irritations that all couples deal with, not major issues that signal long-term problems in your relationship. 

Remind yourself that disagreements are part of every relationship. No one is perfect, but learning to embrace imperfections and see them as a way to strengthen your connection can help you build a strong bond as your relationship progresses.

Embrace the Energy

New relationship energy is a special part of a relationship, so one of the best things you can do during this time is to embrace and enjoy it. It’s ephemeral by nature, so let yourself savor the experience of getting to know this person and all the feelings and experiences that come with falling in love.

Common Mistakes and Challenges

While it’s important to savor the experience, it’s also important to keep an eye on potential pitfalls and challenges you might face during this stage. Spotting these problems can help you navigate them more successfully and prevent them from creating relationship roadblocks.

After all, there’s a reason why it’s called the honeymoon phase. Everything is new and exciting. But we’re sometimes so enamored that we miss out on glaring red flags and warnings.

Some challenges you might face include:

• Poor judgment: Because your emotions are so strong, they can sometimes cloud your judgment. You might make choices you might not under normal conditions. 
• Idealization: NRE sometimes causes us to put on rose-colored glasses. This means you might overlook potential incompatibilities. Or, you might ignore red flags at the start of the relationship, only to realize later that warning signs that your partner doesn’t share your goals or values.
• Lack of balance: Because you’re so focused on your new relationship during this stage, you might pay less attention to other important areas of your life, including friendships, hobbies, and self-care. 
• Unrealistic expectations: It can also contribute to unrealistic expectations. Because the early days of your relationship were so blissful and passionate, you might expect things to stay that way forever. This can lead to bitter disappointment as the relationship progresses past the honeymoon phase.

• Moving too fast: NRE can be intoxicating, so you might rush through major relationship milestones–like meeting each other’s families, making big financial commitments, or moving in together–before you’re actually ready. That’s why boundaries, communication, and intentionality are so important at this stage to ensure that each major step in your relationship is taken with both of your consent.
• Loss of individuality: A new relationship can sometimes become so all-consuming that you start to lose sight of yourself as an individual. If you start to notice that you’re spending less time on the things that make you you, it’s important to take steps to nurture your own independence and autonomy.

Healthy relationships are rooted in interdependence. People recognize the value of their emotional bond while maintaining a strong sense of self. They know they each bring something valuable to the relationship but don’t feel they must sacrifice their individuality or values.

Balancing NRE and Long-Term Commitments

At the start of a relationship, we are often very intentional about how we approach the relationship. Engler notes this means giving our partners all of our attention. “We set our phones down when we talk, we plan fun date nights, we’re curious about each other—this all helps foster the NRE,” she says.

This tends to change once the relationship becomes safe and secure. Brain chemicals settle down, and we may start to take our partner for granted. That’s when those intense feelings of NRE begin to fizzle and fade. 

Research suggests it is often the normal grind of daily life that wears on this new relationship energy. Boredom, stress, and daily life demands can challenge your bond. This can make keeping that honeymoon phase energy hard to maintain–and it might even lead to conflicts and other relationship issues.

So what can you do to maintain that new relationship energy even after that blissful NRE phase matures into something deeper and more lasting? The good news is that you don’t have to choose between passion and stability.

The following steps can help you keep the relationship feeling fresh and exciting no matter how long you’ve been together:

Bring Novelty to Your Relationship

Your relationship doesn’t have to get stale or boring–the key is to keep seeking new experiences together. “Couples can try new activities together, plan surprise dates or gestures, as well as explore new places as a couple,” Papa suggests. “This also allows couples to infuse their relationship with playfulness and fun, which can be an important aspect of new relationship energy.”

Novel activities don’t have to be wild adventures, Engler explains. Sometimes, it’s just a change of scenery or a break in your usual routine, like eating dinner on the front porch or finding a new show to watch together.

Seek Quality Time Together

A huge part of that new relationship energy involves wanting to spend time together. As time passes, the obligations and stresses of life sometimes get in the way. Papa says that finding opportunities to connect is important.

“Couples that prioritize physical and emotional intimacy and intentionally create connection increase the chances of maintaining the new relationship energy,” she explains. Ways you can do this, she suggests, include having regularly scheduled date nights and taking the time to talk to each other openly and honestly about your needs and desires.

Stay Curious and Communicate

Communication is the key to any healthy relationship. In fact, evidence indicates that having strong communication abilities can be an effective way to boost relationship intimacy.

“Part of what’s exciting in the beginning is getting to learn about someone—it’s part of that heightened sensations element of NRE,” Engler says. As we become more comfortable with our partners, we sometimes feel like we know everything about them.

No matter how well you know one another, everyone changes with time, so there are always new things to learn and share. There are a variety of tools that can help you learn more about your partner. Engler recommends {THE AND} Couples Edition, an intimacy-boosting card game.

Be Vulnerable

Engler explains that vulnerability can foster connection, which also help reignite new relationship energy. Relationship games can be a great way to spark deeper conversations. Engler also suggest that the famous “36 questions to fall in love” developed by Dr. Arthur Arons can be a helpful tool.

Appreciate Your Partner

Time can sometimes make us take the little things for granted. You can maintain new relationship energy by intentionally expressing gratitude and appreciation for the things you love about your partner.

One study found that seeing and understanding your partner’s gratitude can powerfully impact relationship satisfaction. When people feel like their partner appreciates them, they feel more satisfied with the relationship.

Make New Couple Friends

Couple friends can be a great source of support, but Engler notes that they can also help strengthen your relationship with your partner. She points to research from the University of Georgia showing that couples who have more couple friends tend to be more satisfied in their relationship.

“Spending time with other couple friends helped people to feel more fondly about their own partners because they get to see them in a different way,” she explains.

Keep in Mind

The new relationship energy that is the hallmark of the beginning of a relationship can be almost addictive, but it’s normal for those feelings to shift into a more mature, committed type of love over time. That doesn’t mean you can keep some of those fresh feelings going, even if you’ve been together for a long time.

Mental health experts suggest that you can do things to keep the flames of love burning brightly, including seeking novelty, appreciating your partner, and being vulnerable. 

Remember, the greatest relationships are built on excitement and stability. So embrace the best of both worlds by building a trusting relationship that retains some of that new relationship energy.

It’s normal for your relationship to change over time. There may be days when things feel fresh and exciting, but there will also be times when you feel tired, annoyed, or bored. That’s normal. The key is to keep changing and growing along with your relationship so your bond stays strong through life’s shifting stages.

Are you in a toxic relationship?

If you’re wondering how to tell if you’re in a toxic relationship or how to know when it’s time to break up with someone you love, ask yourself the following question:

Does your relationship make you feel sad and anxious more often than it makes you feel happy and relaxed?

If you answered “yes”, that’s a serious problem. Your relationship should enhance your happiness, not deplete it.

Here are signs you’re in a toxic relationship:

• You and your partner fight a lot, and your arguments often escalate into hurtful exchanges. 
• You can’t speak freely. You may even need to rehearse before you talk. You’re afraid of saying the wrong thing and sparking an argument or facing criticism. This leads to a constant state of self-censorship and anxiety.
• You have to write your feelings down in an email or a text because talking is too difficult. Face-to-face communication has become so strained that you resort to written messages to express yourself. This lack of direct, open communication creates a barrier in your relationship.
• You don’t feel you can completely trust your partner. Something just feels off. You might catch them in lies or half-truths, or they may be evasive about their activities. This erosion of trust undermines the foundation of your relationship.
• Your partner manipulates and gaslights you. They twist your words, deny things they’ve said, or make you question your own perceptions. This manipulation leaves you feeling confused, doubting yourself, and emotionally off-balance.
• You don’t feel like a priority to your partner. They consistently put their needs, desires, or other people before you. You feel neglected and unimportant in the relationship.
• You can’t rely on your partner to do what they say they’ll do. Broken promises and unreliability are common occurrences. This lack of follow-through erodes your trust and leaves you feeling let down.
• Your partner is jealous. They constantly question your interactions with others, accuse you of flirting, or try to control who you spend time with. This jealousy is often rooted in insecurity and can lead to possessive, controlling behavior.
• Your partner is affecting your relationships with your friends and family. They may criticize your loved ones, try to isolate you, or create drama that strains these relationships. You find yourself choosing between your partner and the other important people in your life.
• Your friends and loved ones avoid spending time with you as a couple. They may express discomfort or dislike towards your partner, or they simply don’t enjoy being around the two of you together. This is a red flag that others are noticing the toxicity in your relationship.
• Your partner is often critical of you. They nitpick your appearance, belittle your accomplishments, or constantly point out your flaws. This criticism chips away at your self-esteem and makes you feel unworthy.
• You or your partner gets violent or yells. Physical aggression, throwing objects, or screaming during arguments is never acceptable. These behaviors create an atmosphere of fear and intimidation.
• You feel depressed and unhappy a lot of the time. The negativity in your relationship takes a toll on your mental health. You may find yourself feeling hopeless, worthless, or emotionally drained.
• You often feel anxious. You’re constantly on edge, worrying about your partner’s moods or reactions. This chronic anxiety can manifest in physical symptoms like headaches, stomach issues, or difficulty sleeping.
• Your partner withholds affection when they’re angry. They use love and affection as a weapon, giving you the cold shoulder or withholding physical touch to punish you. This emotional manipulation leaves you feeling rejected and unworthy of love.
• Your partner gives you the silent treatment when they’re upset. They shut down and refuse to communicate, leaving you feeling isolated and powerless. This passive-aggressive behavior hinders conflict resolution and fosters resentment.
• You don’t feel safe expressing your feelings honestly. You fear your partner’s reactions, so you bottle up your emotions or walk on eggshells. This lack of emotional safety prevents you from having open, genuine conversations.
• You’ve broken up and gotten back together more than once. Your relationship is a roller coaster of highs and lows, with multiple breakups and reconciliations. This on-again, off-again pattern is often a sign of underlying issues that remain unresolved.Here are the examples with one to two additional sentences added to each

Here’s a creative way to determine if your relationship is unhealthy:

Print out a blank calendar template. At the end of each day, color code the way the relationship made you feel that day. Select the color that correlates with your primary mood.

Color the calendar box red if you felt sad, angry, or anxious. Use yellow if you felt neutral. And color the calendar box green if you felt good.

Do this consistently, and over time, you’ll be able to see patterns and trends as they develop. If your calendar is full of yellow and red boxes, you’re in a toxic relationship, and you need to break up.

Early signs of a toxic relationship:

I’m willing to bet there were signs early on that something was wrong, but you ignored the red flags.

Did you sweep the red flags under the rug because you hoped things would change and your relationship would improve?

If you did, you’re not alone. When I ask my clients who were in toxic relationships if they ignored red flags in the first three months of their relationships, they almost always answer “yes”.

It can be hard to understand why you allowed yourself to go down the wrong path when you knew things weren’t right. But the reality is, some of your needs were being met. They were important to you. So you ignored red flags. The problem is, red flags always become issues down the road if you don’t deal with them in the present.

If you’re in a toxic relationship, please don’t beat yourself up. For years, I ignored my intuition and better judgment and stayed in the wrong relationships. Almost everyone has done this at one time or another.

When you’re a positive and optimistic person, it’s natural to focus on your partner’s good instead of paying attention to the bad ones.

And if you’re loyal and don’t give up easily, you’re more likely to stick things out, even when a relationship is toxic.

It’s not too late. Now it’s time to take stock of your life, your relationship, and to take better care of yourself. Staying in a toxic relationship that doesn’t serve you can be painful, and over time, it may even make you sick.

Even if you’re in a toxic relationship, it can be hard to break up with someone you love.

But here’s the thing. You need to love yourself first, before anyone else. You need to love yourself enough to walk away from a relationship that isn’t working – one that’s hurting you.

It’s scary to be alone not knowing what the future holds, and it takes courage to move on. But you’ll be okay – you’re strong.

And the truth is…

If you don’t find the strength to hold strong boundaries and move on when things aren’t working, you’ll stay stuck in the wrong relationship indefinitely, and you won’t be available to meet the right person.

You must only invest your time and heart in someone who is fully invested in you. Someone who treats you beautifully. Someone with high self-esteem who is emotionally healthy and has the desire and capacity to consistently be intimate, honest, loving, and kind.

No more toxic relationships – you’re DONE!

Promise yourself that next time you’ll pay closer attention to the warning signs. You’ll have stronger boundaries, and you’ll move on quickly if things aren’t working.  When you find the strength to do that, your luck will change, and the Universe will deliver your partner to you.

Because the fastest way to meet the right person is to leave the wrong person quickly.

Even if you’re scared right now, have faith that everything will be okay. Your person is out there, and you’re going to meet them when the time is right!

You’re stronger than you think, and you can do this.

To help you on your journey toward a healthy and happy relationship, it’s my pleasure to gift you my book, Never Waste Time on the Wrong Man Again: A 5-Step Strategic Plan to Stop Wasting Time and Finally Find “The One”.

This book is a game-changer that will help you avoid toxic relationships and find the right partner quickly. Please let me know how it impacts your life.

You deserve to be loved right. And you will be!

With love,
Michelle

It’s a given—or, well it used to be—that once you hit the two to three-year mark in a relationship, you’ll live together. Split the bills. Co-parent the dogs (or cats if you fancy). Take weekly trips to the local grocer. All the coupley things. However, it’s grown progressively more common to not live with someone, with around 38% of people between the ages of 25 to 54 opting out of cohabitation.

For those of us in relationships, the inevitability of cohabitating is now, well, less inevitable. Living apart together, also known as LAT, is a growing trend for couples who want to continue their relationship but not in the same household.

If you’re curious about why so many people are choosing not to live with their partners, we have everything you need to know about the subject. Read on to learn about the benefits, the challenges, and how to make it work.

Benefits of Living Apart Together

LAT is all about keeping your autonomy while growing with a partner. “Choosing to live apart together is a deliberate decision where both partners are committed to each other but prefer to maintain separate living spaces,” explains relationship therapist Becca Reed, LCSW, PMH-C. “This choice is often made to preserve personal autonomy while nurturing a close, intimate relationship.”

For the Couples Who Like Their Freedom and Personal Space

Couples who prefer LAT like maintaining their routines and having personal space as they value their freedom and independence, says Reed. “It allows each partner to manage their own living environment while enjoying the emotional and physical intimacy of a committed relationship,” she adds.

The Relationship Doesn’t Get Boring

People also participate in the LAT model because it keeps the relationship new and fresh.

“Many people get tired of their partners and feel less excited about them when they’re together all the time,” says Suzannah Weiss, relationship coach and resident sexologist for Fleshy. “When a partner is a member of your household, they can begin to feel almost like family and the passion may die down.”

Which is why she recommends cohabitating couples experiencing a loss of passion and chemistry spend a few days apart, so “a period of rekindling is built-in” and the relationship bounces back to brand new.

Some Partners Have Their Preferences and Quirks—Which Is OK

This relationship model is also a fit for other situations, too. For example, your job is miles apart from your partner’s home and you don’t want a long commute to the office. Or, you’re allergic to your partner’s pet. Maybe you don’t like the neighborhood your significant other lives in because it’s nosy and crowded.

“LAT can be a good choice for neurodiverse people who are very particular about their routine as well as how they like their furniture and belongings to be arranged,” says Weiss. “Someone who has trouble sleeping next to someone else may also be a good fit for LAT.”

Whatever the case, there are several reasons and situations why some couples prefer separate living—and they’re valid!

Challenges of Living Apart Together

Of course, the benefits of LAT come with a few challenges, namely social stigma, communication, and emotional distance.

Social Stigma

“People may ask them why they’re not living together or when they’re moving in together or suggest that their relationship must be struggling because they’re not living together,” Weiss says.

This is something I hear all too often in my relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half but do not plan to cohabitate. When we say we’re open to marriage and are deeply committed to each other, many people are confounded. (Just a little FYI: you can still be in a committed relationship without living together; research shows that LAT couples are highly emotionally invested in their relationships).

Difficulty Finding Time Together

Outside of social stigma, one of the biggest challenges of living apart in relationships is schedule coordination and communication. “The biggest challenges for LAT couples can be the lack of spontaneous daily interactions, potential feelings of loneliness, and the effort required to coordinate time together,” says Reed.

A possible fix to this problem is by being intentional and carving out time in each other’s schedules. Planning dates ahead of time and sending spontaneous text messages (so they know you’re thinking of them) are just a few small things to make your partner feel seen and appreciated. Remember, it’s the little things that matter the most.

Communication Avoidance

Another potential problem of LAT is communication avoidance. Reed says that communication can be easier to wiggle out of when your partner isn’t around.

“I’ve also seen parties avoid conflict in the relationship by simply returning to their homes versus working through the conflict in the moment by having a difficult but productive conversation,” she explains. To prevent conflict avoidance, Reed recommends establishing communication and conflict rules on how arguments and discussions will be handled.

In some cases, some partners feel emotionally disconnected when living without their partner. How to address that and feel together, even when you’re apart? Let’s examine that.

Making LAT Work

It takes some work to create a successful LAT relationship—any relationship, really—but it’s completely possible. One first step, says Weiss, is planning quality time, so the relationship stays connected. She suggests asking each other questions like:

• How often do you plan to see each other?
• Will you ever have sleepovers?
• Will you have the keys to each other’s homes?
• Can you stop by each other’s places unannounced?
• Are there hours when you prefer to be undisturbed? 

While this might seem like additional work, it’s not very different from the work of a living-together relationship, says Reed. “Activities that can strengthen LAT relationships are very similar to what all types of relationships generally need to be successful,” she says. “These can include enjoying movies or TV shows that you only watch when together, scheduling dinners, and participating in shared hobbies or interests.”

How to Keep Emotional and Sexual Connection Alive When Living Apart

There’s not much difference between cohabiting and LAT couples aside from the need for communication. Reed says that living apart couples need to prioritize quality time together and communication because they don’t have the benefit of living in each other’s spaces every day.

“Rituals such as nightly phone calls, sending good morning and goodnight texts, and planning regular visits can also support connection,” she recommends.

It’s what my partner and I do to maintain our close connection! We communicate often and text each other good morning and good night when we’re physically apart. We also do standing activities together like dinners at specific restaurants and weekly bar trivia. “Taking little trips out of town for a few days is also a great way to spend longer stretches of time together,” says Becky, my partner.

This applies to sex and intimacy too. Weiss says you can maintain your sex life even when you’re physically apart by using apps like Paired and toys from We-Vibe and other retailers. There’s also good old phone sex.

Keeping the emotional connection alive is the most important element. “Our nervous system picks up on tiny cues that tell us if we are safely in connection with one another, so creating moments where you can feel connected and seen by your partner is vital,” says Reed. “This emotional attunement fosters a deep bond, which is especially needed when living apart.”

Considerations for Choosing LAT

The first way to know if LAT is for you is if you, like me, wanted to live with partners in the past but disliked it. “Think of past conflicts you’ve had in relationships and reflect on how many of them were related to sharing a living space,” suggests Weiss. “If this has been a consistent source of strife in your relationships, living together may not be for you.”

Beyond that, Reed recommends considering your personal values, lifestyle preferences, and relationship intentionality when deciding to opt in or out of a LAT relationship. Also, consider the social stigma attached to LAT aka the belief that not living together implies a lack of commitment, and how that can potentially impact your relationship.

“If LAT relationships were more normalized, many relationships may actually last longer because the people in them would be less annoyed with each other and would have an easier time keeping the passion alive,” Weiss explains. “It is the stigma more so the physical distance that leads to emotional disconnect. The more people in LAT relationships can see their relationship style as a normal, valid choice, the happier they will be.”

Aside from social stigma, consider your partner’s communication skills. The LAT method requires intentionality, communication, mutual understanding, and agreement to be successful, says Reed.

“It’s important to discuss long-term goals, how to handle conflicts, and the expectations around communication and visits,” she says. And the talks don’t end there. She continues, adding that communication is always crucial as there are “changes in life circumstances such as new jobs, needing to care for an aging family member, or shifts in life goals may bring about a need to reevaluate these agreements.”

Conclusion

For neurodivergent folks, people who enjoy their independence and autonomy, or individuals allergic to their partner’s pets, LAT is a fine option for keeping and deepening romantic partnerships. It takes work like all relationships do. And yeah, unlike living together, you’ll have to make more of an effort to communicate. But if you’re happy with a partner, you don’t have to live with them, especially if that doesn’t sound like a great time.

Instead, you can live apart together. I mean—if Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton could live apart for their 13-year marriage and still be happy, why can’t you?

Ms. Mutual, I’m interested in this girl and want to spend more time with her, but don’t want to become annoying and scare her off. How do I balance giving her space and messaging/spending time together?

The tricky part about dating is there is very rarely a one-size-fits-all answer. Part of getting to know someone is learning the level of interaction and communication they are comfortable with. 

Some people want to be in constant communication with you – spending every waking moment together and nonstop texting whenever you’re apart. For someone who’s more introverted, that would sound like a death trap. 

You’ll have to learn as you go, but here are a few tips you can use to guide you while you figure it out.

1. Be respectful

Respect should always be at the forefront of your mind with any aspect of dating. If you’ve been messaging someone and they don’t respond as quickly as you would like, be respectful of their time and their schedule. Not everyone has the ability to be at their phone’s beck and call at any given moment and just because they don’t respond right away, that doesn’t mean that they’re not interested in you.

If the other person is uncomfortable with the way you’re showing interest (maybe they don’t like all the compliments, or they’d rather meet up in person than text constantly), be respectful and don’t try to force them to do anything that makes them uncomfortable. They may not tell you straight up that they are feeling uncomfortable, but if you’re getting weird vibes, maybe back off a little and try something different.

If someone decides that they’re not interested, be respectful of their decision.

2. Ask questions

The only way to know if someone is vibing with you or if they’re getting scared off is to either be really good at reading minds or to ask questions. This doesn’t mean that you need to ask, “Hey, am I scaring you off?” but as you get to know each other, ask about whether they’re more extroverted or introverted. Ask if they like to text all the time or if they would rather save the conversation for when you’re together in-person. Ask them what kind of things they like talking about and what kind of things they like to do. The more you get to know them, the better you’ll know how to communicate with them and if you’ll be a good fit together.

3. The right person won’t be scared off

You could be the perfect communicator, get everything right, say everything perfectly, and still not be the right fit for someone. But if you are right for each other, even if you don’t get everything perfectly right, they won’t be scared off. So don’t think about it too hard. Just be yourself!

XO – MM

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Inevitably, you won’t hit it off with everyone on a first date. The person appears perfect on paper—or rather the dating apps because we’re all dating online anyway—but turns out to be the wrong match. They’re missing the elusive spark or that instantaneous connection. Then there are those pull-your-hair-out frustrating dates where you feel a real connection only to learn they’re not interested in seeing you again. Oof. Now those what-if connections, yeah, those are particularly painful. 

It sucks but we’ve all been there. As a relationship coach, I’ve heard it all. If you want to know why they cut the cord before things picked off, stop scrolling because you’ll find all the answers right here. I’ll unpack some of the most common reasons why a second date may not be in the cards, plus tips on recognizing when a first date is *actually* going well. 

Lack of Physical Attraction 

Chemistry. That’s usually when it falls down to. When you have a fantastic date and a second date seems imminent only for them to opt out, it’s probably the lack of chemistry. Having butterflies for someone is surprisingly a complex experience shaped by familiarity, brain biology, psychological compatibility, and evolutionary desires driven by reproduction.

Sounds quite sciencey but it’s true! Research shows our instantaneous initial impressions are surprisingly intuitive and often predict compatibility. In one study, researchers showed participants images of their potential dating partners before a speed-dating event. The snap judgments made in just four seconds of looking at the pictures accurately predicted if they would get along during actual conversations.

People often have specific, nebulous preferences—physicality, age, hair color, voice tone. Even energy or the ~vibe~ can influence their level of attraction. Unfortunately, you can’t fully gauge chemistry until you meet someone in person and feel that inexplicable whoosh of sexual thrill. 

Unpredictable Nature of Life 

While you may have had witty text conversations and a memorable time together, a brief date provides limited context on the totality of their life and priorities. 

If a second date didn’t happen and it took you by surprise, resist the urge to personalize. Unforeseen events like the reemergence of an old ex or a sudden life change could’ve shifted their focus away from a new relationship. External factors beyond your control are a common reason why second dates don’t happen. 

Falling for someone is easier than being emotionally ready for a relationship. Timing matters as much as chemistry. People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves, and compatibility won’t bridge the gap until you’re emotionally available. 

Not the Right Fit

You might have mentioned a strong political view they disagreed with. Or, you shared your dreams of living overseas while they’re tethered to their home. Perhaps, they’re looking for a casual hookup and you want a serious relationship.

When individual preferences and dealbreakers come into play, a second date may feel unnecessary if there’s a significant mismatch. Incompatible values make it challenging to progress and see a future together. 

They Just Didn’t Like You Enough

Choosing a partner is the most influential interpersonal decision you can make. After all, a partner represents your beliefs, goals, and path. If they weren’t that into you, accept it so you can find someone who values you for who you are. 

Sometimes, when a second date doesn’t happen, there’s no particular reason beyond a missing connection. You deserve to find someone who wants you for who you are, just like they do. 

Keep on dating, have fun, and trust that someday you’ll find the *right* person

Why They Didn’t Have A Conversation

A first date isn’t a relationship but a mix of projections, hopes, and expectations swirling around in a one-hour coffee. During that time, we’re busy presenting our best selves while masking our true thoughts to impress a stranger.

It’s kind to have an honest conversation but some people prefer to fade away and ghost to avoid awkwardness. 

These dynamics can make it challenging to express those ambiguous emotions. When there hasn’t been a significant investment, it often feels easier to disappear than engage in a potentially uncomfortable conversation. This avoidance is rooted in the fear of hurting someone’s feelings or just not having time for it.

A Good First Date vs. A Bad First Date

Not sure if the first sign went well? Here are some signs of a good first date:

• Effortless: You’re so deep in the conversation that you look up and the restaurant is closed, staffers are heading home, and the manager is giving you the side eye, subtly encouraging you to leave. Time has flown by and the conversation is still flowing. You might want to extend the date or schedule a second date immediately.
• Respect and consideration: Manners, punctuality, and attentiveness are demonstrated throughout the date. You’re present and not listening to respond but truly listening because you want to learn more about them.
• Chemistry: Meaningful communication is important but feeling that zap of physical chemistry is potent for a connection to take off. There’s flirting, warm eye contact, and respectful body language.
• Shared values: You discover surprising common interests with activities and hobbies. Maybe they love animals and you hope to live on a farm someday or you both go to the same hiking trail you do. Shared values help foster connection.
• Natural comfort: You feel like you can tell them anything about yourself, almost as if you’ve known each other for years. You feel safe to be yourself and you’re not forcing conversation or putting on a front.
• Balanced conversation: You expertly weave between various topics with mutual interest and curiosity. You’re both asking interesting questions and are excited to know each other better.

A Bad First Date

It can be hard to know if a first date went bad, especially if the conversation flows and there’s mutual interest on both sides. But there are some small subtle signs that the first date didn’t have that instant spark or connection needed for a second date. 

• Small imbalanced talk: The conversation feels forced like you’re pulling teeth to keep the conversation going. You don’t have a lot in common and your values are misaligned. You’re uncomfortable being vulnerable, so the topics remain superficial and light. They aren’t reading the room, so there may be more awkwardness and one-sided conversation because you’re not attuned.
• Resume vs. chemistry: They ask questions that make the date feel more like an interview than an opportunity to connect. Your presence doesn’t matter as much as what you can offer a partner. The date makes it clear they’re more interested in ticking boxes than getting to know you.
• Persistent nerves: The nerves don’t leave and you’re hyper-aware. The date seems like it’s dragging on, making you wish you were back home reading a book or eating takeout. You’re missing an energizing connection aka limbic resonance, so you aren’t clicking.
• No chemistry: Eye contact is scarce. Any physical contact initiated like touching your elbow or holding your hand does not escalate. You don’t want to reciprocate and prefer to stay within your space. Not wanting to be close shows a lack of emotional connection and mutual attraction.
• Little respect and consideration: They answer their phone at dinner or look around the environment as if they’re interested in anyone but you. They might’ve shown up late, been rude to the waiter, made inappropriate comments, had one too many drinks, or spoken excessively about their ex.

Keep in Mind

When you go on a date and there’s not much of a connection, skipping the second date is a kind gesture. There may be a temptation to go on a second date, but unless there’s genuine interest from both sides, I’d recommend leaving things alone. It takes effort from both to explore potential, just as it takes two for a relationship. 

And remember: rejection is redirection. You don’t need to waste your energy brainstorming or doing mental gymnastics to know why they rejected you, especially if they didn’t take the time to express it to you. Focus on loving yourself, enjoying the journey, and being the next version of who you are to attract the right partner into your life. Onto the next! 

Virtual Dates – 10 Helpful Tips for Video Date Success

While nothing can replace an in-person date, during the pandemic, virtual video dates became very popular. Chatting with someone new from the warmth and comfort of your own home does have its advantages. And virtual dates work especially well when dating someone who lives far away. And these days, most people are comfortable using Zoom or FaceTime. So I thought I’d share some tips to help you have successful virtual dates in case you decide to go that route.

1. Set your intentions for your video date: When you’re on a video date, your goal should NOT be to feel chemistry because that’s too hard to gauge on a call. Instead, simply see if you enjoy spending time with the other person. If you do, then you should meet in person to get to know him or her better, and gauge chemistry then.

2. Think big and hold still on your video date: It’s tempting to use your smartphone for a video date, but I strongly suggest using a computer or tablet instead. I mean, who wants to be three inches tall on a date, lol? Make sure your computer or tablet (or phone, if you must) is stationary so you’re not wobbling around on-screen. It’ll feel more like a date when the screen is large and still.

3. Lighting for your video date: Lighting is super important when you’re on a virtual date. Make sure you’ve got sufficient front-lighting (not backlighting which will make you look like a silhouette). If you can’t sit facing a window or a lamp, I suggest a ring light like this.  

4. Choose the setting for your video date: So many of us have spent the last two years on video calls for work. A video date should look and feel very different from a work meeting. So don’t sit at your desk and show yourself from the chest up. Instead, I suggest you put your laptop or tablet on your coffee table and sit casually on your couch showing yourself from the legs or waist up. Get comfortable! And please make sure there are no unmade beds, dirty kitchens, or bathrooms in the background. Keep things classy, clean, and casual.

5. Up your energy on your video date: Your energy level on camera matters! It’s important to smile more than usual and to use your hands and body when you’re speaking. Big (but not awkward) hand movements can really up the energy on a video date. Trust me, this is great advice!

6. Dress for your video date: Treat a virtual date like any other date, and look your best. Wear something nice. Ladies, do your hair and makeup and wear color. Men, no wrinkled tee shirts! Make the extra effort to look awesome!

7. Keep your video date positive and fun: Just like when you’re on a regular date, stick to positive topics. Don’t spend lots of time discussing the pandemic or politics. Don’t ask about your date’s past relationships or mention your ex. Don’t talk about all of the dates you’ve been on or how hard dating is. And don’t talk too long about work. Instead, share what makes you happy and what you’re most passionate about. Maybe even play a game, enjoy a glass of wine or cook dinner together. Be creative!

8. Use affirmations on your video date: If there’s something you appreciate about your date, why keep it to yourself?. Let them know! It feels really good to be seen and appreciated! Affirmations are a great way to create connections on a date. And they’re kind!

9. End your video date right: Ladies, if you had a good time, make sure your date knows you had fun! Men, if you’d like to see her again, ask her out on an in-person date and suggest a date, time, and place. Make it happen!

10. Always be kind: If you decide you don’t want to get together again, send a quick note the next day thanking your date for spending time with you. Pay them a genuine compliment or two, and then let them know you’ve thought about it and have decided the two of you are not a fit. Closure is always kinder than ghosting.

I hope these video dating tips are super helpful! Please stay safe. And most of all, have FUN!

It seems like everybody and their mother is ready and willing to give relationship advice, whether you ask for it or not. And to make matters worse, these advice givers use the same phrases over and over, so much that they’ve become almost meaningless clichés. 

But does that mean their advice isn’t valid? 

Read on to learn more about the most stereotypical relationship advice, why it works (and doesn’t), and when you should take advice or ignore it.

Common Stereotypical Relationship Advice

If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you’ve likely heard these phrases before. But what do they mean and how helpful are they in reality?

“Everything happens for a reason.”

In my opinion, this phrase is at best myopic and at worst dangerous. It calls to mind toxic positivity, which is a point of view that ignores the bad—any bad, tbh—at the expense of objectivity and a full understanding of the situation. 

Sometimes, shit happens. Sometimes, really bad shit happens. Maybe your partner cheats on you; maybe you find out, after months or years of trying, you’re unable to have a baby. Is it truly helpful to think that those things were somehow supposed to happen? That the universe is trying to teach you a lesson? No. Thinking that way can make you feel helpless or even guilty. 

That can be helpful when this is, in fact, true—when it really wasn’t your fault and you need some help letting yourself off the hook. However, there are two sides to this coin. While saying this mantra can help you refrain from beating yourself up after the “bad thing” happens, it also could prevent you from examining the situation, learning from any mistakes, and taking accountability.

If you’ve found yourself giving this advice in the past, that’s OK. Maybe you truly believed it and thought it would help the person hearing it. But before you serve this platitude again, think about the unintended effects it might have. *cough* Like making the person think that you are ignoring or downplaying their pain *cough*

“If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.”

Another similar soundbite to the “everything happens for a reason.” This phrase takes away everyone’s agency—yours and your partner’s. Saying “if it’s meant to be” implies there is nothing you can or should be doing to make whatever “it” is happen. 

This isn’t a great attitude to have in your relationship. Relationships take work and if you have goals—getting married, having children—leaving things up to chance won’t be helpful.

On the other hand, the good thing about this phrase is that it can take some of the relationship weight off your shoulders. This is especially true if you recognize that you can only do what you can do, and not everything can or should be your sole responsibility. That said, this can backfire if you can’t see and act on the things that are your responsibility. (Accountability lesson: 101).

If you’re saying this to a friend or family member, think about why you thought it would help. If the person you’re talking to believes in things like fate, maybe it was the right thing to say. But if they don’t, maybe think twice about suggesting leaving things up to chance.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

Chances are, after a breakup, you’ve heard this from someone trying to make you feel better. And maybe it did—it’s helpful to remember your ex is not the only person in the world who can and will love you. On a planet of eight billion people, statistically, the opportunities are endless. (Never mind that most of that population lives in Asia—more power to you if you move there to increase your odds.)

However, this particular phrase can make light of your breakup pain and dismiss the importance of the ended relationship. It is encouraging you to immediately move on, which is usually not helpful or feasible.

You also have to consider the reality that there are relatively few fish meeting your emotional and physical needs. Not to mention if you’re even compatible with them. Dating is not just a numbers game, though we proclaim otherwise. There’s more to dating than just how many people you can meet. 

This is another piece of advice you might find yourself doling out without much thought. But before you say this to friends or family again, think about how it might affect them—for example, they might feel as though you are not taking their pain or negative experiences seriously.  

“Actions speak louder than words.”

In some ways, this is very true. Your partner tells you they want to spend time together but doesn’t make concrete plans. They say they want exclusivity but get cagey whenever you try to make the relationship “official.” Or, they claim to love you but consistently hurt you over and over again.

But this can be the other way around too. Your partner might struggle verbally expressing their emotions, so they show their love and affection in other ways. Maybe they wait on you hand and foot when you are sick or buy you a little present when they know you are having a bad day. These actions count too.

That said, words will never not be important. We all need to hear an “I love you” from our partner, even if they grapple with public displays of affection, and therefore need to express their love through acts of service or quality time.

If you find yourself repeating this phrase, consider why. Have you noticed a pattern that the person you’re talking to has not? Have they told you their partner consistently says one thing but does another? In these cases, delicately pointing out these discrepancies could be useful, but try to be specific and avoid clichés.

“Trust your gut.”

Every relationship is a learned lesson for your instincts. Think of your instincts—or your gut—as a personal memory box: it takes in your good and bad dating experiences and helps you identify what you do (and don’t) like in relationships. As well as potential red flags or warning signs, the type of partner you desire, and your physical and emotional needs in a relationship. All of these things are what we call “gut” instincts.

Your “gut” might tell you to avoid conflict at all costs because—in former relationships—you were punished for disagreeing or fighting back. Your “gut” could suggest staying in a bad or unhealthy because you believe deep down that you are the problem and therefore you can or should fix things. All this to say, your “gut” might be unreliable because of past negative experiences or even trauma.

If you find yourself giving this advice, it might be helpful to ask questions instead. Learning more about this person’s past experiences can lend insight into whether their “gut” is reliable. This way, you can help walk them through their feelings and provide informed support.

When to Listen to Relationship Advice

It can be hard to hear other people’s opinions about your relationship, especially if they disagree with you. But people outside of your relationship might be able to see things you cannot.

Other people’s relationship advice might be helpful if:

• You have asked them for advice
• You would like another perspective on a situation or problem
• You recognize that something is wrong but you can’t quite pinpoint it
• You are unsure if you are overreacting to something
• They themselves are in a happy and healthy relationship
• The person knows your partner better than you do

When Not to Listen to Relationship Advice

Unprompted or misinformed relationship advice is hardly ever helpful. The person might not understand the particular dynamics of your relationship or might not recognize that their advice is not wanted or needed. 

You don’t need to listen to intrusive advice—it only stresses you out and makes you feel insecure. 

Other people’s relationship advice might not be helpful if:

• You have not asked them for advice
• They do not have all the facts about a certain situation or problem
• You do not feel comfortable sharing or discussing the issue you are dealing with
• You and your partner both feel as though you are handling the situation to the best of your ability
• They themselves are in a bad or abusive relationship but don’t recognize it
• The person does not know you or your partner

Just because someone has an opinion about your relationship does not mean you need to hear or honor it. Ultimately, you and your partner are the experts in your own relationship—your feelings come first.

When to Act on Relationship Advice

It can be hard to determine when to act on relationship advice versus when a worry is just a worry and nothing more. 

If you feel someone has given you advice that is ringing true, it might be time to put their suggestion into practice. Perhaps they recognized a pattern in you or your partner’s relationship that you didn’t see until they mentioned it. Or, they provided insight into you or your partner’s behavior because they took a step back and considered all the facts without getting emotional.

If someone has given you relationship advice that feels scary, consider why you feel that way. Are you scared because you think the advice could end the relationship or cause pain for you or your partner? Or are you afraid because the advice could open your eyes to something new or unfamiliar in your relationship? Something that will require more effort than you are currently giving, hmm?

Ultimately, whatever you decide to do in your relationship is between you and your partner, but well-intentioned and well-informed advice can sometimes be helpful.

Final Thoughts

Relationship advice can be tricky. While usually well-meaning, it can be based on a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of your relationship and its problems. On the other hand, some relationship advice can be insightful and even very helpful. It’s up to you and your partner whether or not to take someone else’s advice on board, especially if that advice is an age-old cliché.

We have been friends since May of 2022. We dated for a month, but after a year we broke up in July. It was my second heartbreak after five years of being single. I started focusing on my career until exactly February 14, 2023, when he messaged me. I was hesitant, but the spirit kept telling me to give him a chance, so I offered to be friends until we decided to get to know each other better. This time is different; we officially dated when he visited me in the Philippines (August 2023). We both knew that marriage was the next step in our relationship and we keep praying for that. I was so thankful to Heavenly Father that he is the one I pray for, that he brought me to the temple and that we kept our covenants until we decided to get married in December 23, 2023. I made a promise to him that I would take care of him and the family we would be starting in the future; I had found my best friend. My eternal companion

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