Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Despite us being in an age of increased gender fluidity and rejection of masculine vs. feminine norms, people still consider a lot of the traits necessary for solid friendships to be stereotypically for women—these being nurturing, caring, compassionate, sharing, talkative etc. Research shows that almost half of all women share their feelings with their friends and count on them for emotional support. That figure drops to slightly less than a third of men.

 Strong friendships provide a sense of belonging and purpose, and also reduce stress. They fulfill us mentally, physically, and emotionally. Women have typically been a lot better than men at tapping into that fact.

And we’re not just making generalizations about gender here. The “male friendship recession” has been a major point of conversation in numerous news outlets and publications in recent years, as more and more men report having fewer and lower-quality friendships.

“Sisterhood, community, and solidarity are a lot of the reasons why I feel women place emphasis on friendships. Studies have shown that specifically spending time with female friends releases serotonin and oxytocin, and that it reduces feelings of loneliness and isolation,” explains Amber Petrozziello, LMHC, Therapist and Clinical Team Lead at Empower Your Mind Therapy.

“If you research further, you actually find out that women typically have higher oxytocin levels than men, which may be a biological [reason] that women often place emphasis on friendships,” Petrozziello notes.

Should men be taking a closer look at the female friendship handbook? We’d argue yes.

Women, Friendships, and Mental Health

Almost 50% of Americans say that they have only three close friends or even fewer. True friendship, however, is not a popularity contest. The quality of friendships and the ability to openly communicate—not the number of friends you have—is what matters.

“Social connectedness has been studied for ages and we know in general terms that people who have good social connections and relationships tend to be better off in terms of both their mental and physical health,” notes Christopher Hansen, PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor and Clinical Supervisor at Thriveworks.

Hansen continues, “Having these close social relationships and connections allows people to feel more comfortable, supported and heard which can be very healing, beneficial and cathartic,” he adds.

Women generally embody qualities that tend to make them natural communicators. Societally, they’re encouraged and supported in making deliberate efforts to foster and grow meaningful friendships. This happens when they let themselves go deep and share vulnerabilities, challenges and successes, and honest stories and intimate reflections about their lives.

That relational aspect carries a strong mental health component. Research confirms what many people in healthy, happy friendships know: that friendships help reduce stress, improve your self-confidence and self-esteem, and can help you deal with trauma or loss in your life. Communication is the glue that bonds friendships. Experts say there is a reason women flourish in this area.

“I believe that women may need more reinforcement than men when it comes to friendships. There is an emotional impermanence to the connectedness and bonding that needs to be refreshed, whereas men seem to hold onto that without the need for conversation or specific bonding,” says Petrozziello.

The advantages are there. The internal ability is present in everyone. So why aren’t more men tapping into it? And is it even necessarily a problem that they aren’t?

Men, Friendships, and Bonding

While women tend to have more close friendships than men, research shows that since the COVID-19 pandemic, those numbers have plummeted even more. In 1990, only 3% of men said they didn’t have any close friends. Now, 15% of men make that claim. What’s more, among single men who are not involved in a romantic relationship, 20% of them say they don’t have any close friends at all.

Further research notes there are a number of reasons, including health issues and employment problems, that men are struggling with a mental health crisis in greater numbers than ever before. Relationships and friendships are also a part of the problem.

“While men have always had intimate relationships, in the past it was not as acceptable to be as overt regarding this aspect because it was perhaps considered effeminate and not ‘manly.’ While I don’t think that’s the widespread case today, I do think we have work yet to do in this area,” Hansen says.

Hansen continues, “It has always been more difficult in our society and in many societies for men to seek mental health treatment because of stigma, masculine ego, and cultural norms of the past that considered it a weakness for a man to talk about his problems, let alone seek treatment for mental health concerns.”

The good news is that change is on the horizon. “I think the younger generation has shunned the stigma of males having bonded relationships with other males more than generations past,” notes Hansen. 

Practical Tips For Men Looking to Strengthen Their Friendships

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, therapist, and relationship expert offered these insights for men (or anyone, really!) trying to improve their friendships and increase platonic intimacy.

Bond Over a Common Experience

Start by identifying a common interest or hobby to bond over—positive shared experiences can make you feel closer and more connected. Inviting a friend to go for a walk, watch a game, or go to a workout class with you is often more effective than just asking someone to coffee. “The activity can physically bond you both, lower defenses, and also serve as a distraction so you can each open up more and be a bit vulnerable,” says Romanoff.

Romanoff continues, There is a certain level of physical vulnerability that occurs during an intense workout class. If you were to grab coffee after completing a class together, bonding through the shared experience of overcoming the challenge of the class could help deepen your connection”.

Model Openness and Vulnerability

In other words, treat your new or current friends the way you want to be treated.

“The best way we can deepen our relationships is to reveal ourselves and show others that it is safe to do the same. Start small and in a safe way by confiding in your friend about a work conflict you might be having or a dating experience you recently had. By showing your vulnerability and what is troubling you, you give them the chance to help, and understand you better, and in turn they will be more open to sharing their own similar challenges.” says Romanoff. 

Try a Side-by-Side Activity

 Romanoff explains that male relationships tend to thrive in side-by-side activities (eg, the most common cliche of this is watching a football game together). This works because it’s less intense, there is a clear focus for both people to channel their attention and to relate through, and provides a safe buffer from emotions or topics that may feel threatening.

With this in mind, try to plan side-by-side activities with friends, while also intentionally building in moments of face-to-face connection. This could mean going for a run with a friend and then initiating a more meaningful conversation at the end or during the cool-down walk.

These Universal Friendship Qualities Can Promote Mental Health

Open communication is an ability all people possess. It’s stereotypical to say that only those with female attributes foster healthy relationships. It’s also unfair to say that males don’t have relationships where they are fulfilled, even if they have one good friend or a partner they talk to. The key is putting into practice what works for you.

“There are a lot of practical ways these days to foster friendships. Almost daily I recommend people find others they can connect with. There are meet-up groups that address everything from trivia to veterans’ groups and the digital world has opened up more ways to find others with similar interests,” Hansen says.

Finding people you relate to brings a level of satisfaction and contentment that benefits you mentally and emotionally. And that helps improve your mental health.

“Accepting our emotions is a uniquely genderless thing to do. Whether it means to be softer, or to be more vulnerable, being more genuinely and authentically ourselves helps to decrease cognitive dissonance, and increase our levels of happiness,” Petrozziello concludes.

Keep in Mind

Extensive research has shown that friendships, and social connection, are good for your mental health, but men have been struggling in this area recently. Tapping into the communication skills that nurture strong relationships is something that all people can do—regardless of gender—and take advantage of the mental, emotional, and physical benefits they provide.

Nothing turns around a bad day more than an unexpected gift from your friend or significant other. Whether it’s your favorite snack, a warm and tight hug, or a meme that makes you laugh out loud, these out-of-the-blue gestures—aka “pebbling”—are just what you need on your off days.

Pebbling may be pop culture’s latest obsession (thank you, TikTok) but it’s a romantic interaction practiced for decades…just not in humans. See, the idea of pebbling comes from how penguins interact romantically. They find the smoothest, most perfect pebble and give it to their mate to signify they’ve been thinking of them.

While we humans don’t typically demonstrate love through rocks, we pebble our partners by making them a playlist or buying adorable knick-knacks. Receiving a pebble makes you feel seen in the smallest of ways. If you don’t do well with grand gestures or big shows of emotion, pebbling might be your love language. And for those who appreciate the art of gift-giving, this might be precisely the kind of love you need.

Pebbling as a Love Language

If you’ve scrolled through TikTok or Instagram lately, you’ve probably already stumbled across pebbling—a trend that’s about giving your friends or partners the little things. While the term might be new, the idea behind it isn’t. See, we sort of stole this idea from penguins. Pebbling is how penguins show love. A penguin will search high and low for the perfect pebble and offer it to a potential mate. It’s like a proposal but cuter.

Pebbling can be both romantic and platonic. In romantic relationships, however, pebbling consists of giving small, thoughtful gifts or tokens representing love, care, or attention. They are usually not about the value but more about the thought and emotion attached to them. 

What Does Pebbling Look Like?

Chances are you’ve seen pebbling in action, whether in pop culture or IRL. Think of Smith shaving his head with Samantha while she battled breast cancer in “Sex and the City.” Or, Meredith and Cristina having a dance-it-out moment whenever tragedy struck in “Grey’s Anatomy” (IYKYK). You’ve pebbled if you’ve ever left a Post-It note with a goofy doodle on the bathroom mirror for your roomie to find or bought a little keepsake you knew your friend would like.

Pebbling as a Neurodivergent Expression

Research shows that neurodivergent folks, specifically people on the autism spectrum, struggle with expressing their attraction and interest in someone because they lack certain social skills.

“Everyone receives and expresses affection in different ways,” says Marschall. “For some neurodivergent folks, verbal expression can be challenging, so they might prefer to use a gesture like pebbling.” If you struggle with expressing your love and care through words, pebbling might be the perfect solution for you.

How Pebbling Works as a Nonverbal Love Language

On a surface level, pebbling refers to the millennial dating trend of sharing seemingly trivial mementos or inside jokes to build emotional intimacy steadily. Silly memes, nostalgic songs, private anecdotes—basically the modern version of passing handwritten love notes back in the day, says Dr. Daniel Glazer, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of UK Therapy Rooms.

But what’s really intriguing is that pebbling traces its origins back to the neurodivergent community. “For some neurodivergent people, affection is expressed with these little gifts/pebbles rather than with words,” Marschall adds.

Studies show that adults on the autism spectrum generally dislike auditory communication like phone calls or FaceTime and prefer other forms of communication including emails, face-to-face interactions, text messages, and letters. For many on the autism spectrum, gifting physical tokens like love letters, pebbles, or cherished trinkets can help forge connections without needing spoken words.

Using Pebbling to Communicate Your Love and Care Nonverbally

With pebbling, you get to show your loved ones you’re thinking of them without needing the “right” words or grand gestures. Giving your siblings and friends small, seemingly insignificant gifts could mean a lot more to them than you ever realize.

That’s not to say pebbling is the only or the best way for neurodivergent people to show affection—just like neurotypical people have different expressions of love, so do neurodivergent folks!

“A neurotypical person could pebble too if they preferred to express love and affection” through actions over words, adds Marschall. It’s just that giving a small sentimental gift or bonding over a shared interest can be an easier way to express love and care than words.

How to Pebble: Ideas and Inspiration

Pebbling is one of the easiest ways to show affection to anyone, from your siblings to your romantic partner. Here are some tips and creative ideas to get you started.

Nothing’s Too Small

Don’t overthink a pebble. The minute you catch yourself doing that, you’re overthinking it. You can grab a silly postcard that catches your eye from that storefront near your job or buy your friend a donut or scone while you’re getting your morning coffee. You could even gift a literal pretty pebble you found to your sibling who collects stones. It’s unexpected, it’s simple, and it’s bound to make them smile.

Make It Personal

Know your audience when picking out a pebble (not a literal one, lol). If you have a friend who loves plants (and has transformed their house into a little greenhouse), you could repot a clipping from your favorite succulent, place it in a quirky little container, and surprise them with it. These small, thoughtful gestures don’t just show you care for them; they show you really see them.

Pebbling can be as simple or creative as you’d like, says Niloufar Esmaeilpour, a registered clinical counselor and founder of Lotus Therapy & Counselling Centre. It may mean leaving your favorite snack on someone’s desk, texting them to say you’re thinking of them, or giving them some little object that reminds you of an inside joke and shared experience.

Pebbles Are Everywhere

As stated, you’re pebbling wrong if you’re thinking too hard about it. Use the everyday things you already know about the people you love to gift them. It could be anything, from their favorite coffee order to a simple but sweet text message. It’s the thought that counts.

Pebbling for Different People in Your Life

Pebbling isn’t a one-size-fits-all sort of thing. It should be tailored to whoever you have in mind. For a close friend, you probably already know what makes them laugh or smile. Find a way to bring those details into your pebbling. 

Pebbling Romantically and Platonically

People find pebbling romantic partners even more effortless. You could surprise them with a movie night and the first film you watched together. Or leave a love note somewhere unexpected, like in their shoe. For a family member, you can recreate a fond memory like cooking a favorite meal from your shared childhood, or digging out an old photo and writing a note about why that moment was special. 

Pebbling works for all kinds of moments, from birthdays and anniversaries to random Wednesdays. And if it’s just a regular day? That’s the best time to pebble.

Final Words

So, what is pebbling, again? It’s a love language, a trend, and a small way to meaningly connect with your loved ones. Let’s take a cue from our favorite tuxedo-wearing birds and show care in small but thoughtful ways. Pebbling also doesn’t require much more than a bit of creativity and a genuine desire to make someone feel special. It’s a simple yet powerful way to slow down and connect with the people who matter most.