Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

My mother says I’ve become incredibly picky about the partners I’ve been choosing. After much therapy and self-reflection, I made a list of red flags that, if ever presented, would immediately end the relationship—no ifs, ands, or buts. What my mother considers pickiness, I consider non-negotiable. 

These red flags are not open to discussion or reconsideration—aka they’re non-negotiable. Being viewed as picky is the least of my concerns; I want a healthy relationship, and studies show self-awareness plays a significant part. But, identifying non-negotiable is only half the battle. Communicating and reinforcing them seals the deal, and advocating for yourself is not as easy as it looks.

Which is why I tagged some experts and got their advice on how to identify and communicate your non-negotiables And because I like to do my due diligence, I also asked a few folks about their relationship non-negotiables. Because we all don’t have the same boundaries…right? I mean, what’s intolerable across the board, and what’s a preference? The answers to these questions (and more) are just a few paragraphs away.

Disrespect Is a Big No No

Respect is *always* a must. According to a 2002 study, mutual respect is not just necessary; it’s crucial for problem-solving and relationship resilience. Caylia Wallace, 28, says mutual respect is her non-negotiable because of previous experiences where her partners disrespected her and created “volatile situations.”

A disrespectful partner is no joke. Who wants to feel small, belittled, invisible, and unheard by the person you love (and who’s supposed to love you)? I pray I never find a love like that.

What’s a Relationship Without Trust?

“Without trust, you have nothing.” It may be overstated, but this quote still rings true. It’s why trust is lifestyle content creator Melody Njoku’s, 27, non-negotiable. For without it, there’s no connection or intimacy, she says.

While Njoku holds trust as one of her core relationship values, the same can’t be said for everyone else. Trust may be the foundation of a relationship, but nearly a third of adults have trust issues.

Look—I get it. We’ve all been burned before in dating, and it’s hard not to hold onto past fears in new relationships. But I’m with Njoku on this one. Trust issues are a death sentence to any relationship—they brew resentments, doubts, and suspiciousness.

Have the Same (Or Similar) Goals

We all have different goals—some of us dream of buying homes (yes, even in this economy!). Others want to jet-set around the globe and discover life’s treasures. Whatever your goals are, it needs to align with your significant other.

Spirituality, Religion, Politics, and Personal Values

A person’s value system is another factor that plays a huge role in relationships. Most people date others with similar beliefs, whether that’s political, religious, or spiritual.

For digital creator Danteé Ramos, 30, her partners must “believe in something” for there to be a connection or relationship. And she’s not the only one—research shows that people form relationships based on political homogeneity. The same goes for religion, with one study reporting that romantic relationships with religious homogeneity were more likely to last longer than their interfaith counterparts.

Identifying Your Non-Negotiables

You might not have these negotiable, but you do have some. And you don’t have to think too hard to discover them, says Charese L. Josie, a licensed clinical social worker.

Early on, we might ignore warning signs because we believe it’s too early to judge. (Hint: it’s really not, tbh). But here’s the thing: those warning signs aren’t going away; they’re just turning into relationship issues and conflict, Josie says.

Be serious about setting strict boundaries and not letting things fly. Trust your gut, but also have outlined and written non-negotiables.

A great starting point to developing your own negotiables is by “understanding your principles, morals, wants, and needs,” says relationship and sex therapist Nikquan Lewis, MS, LMFT. Josie and Lewis recommend asking yourself the following questions:

• What do I know is a violation of who I am?
• What causes me anxiety?
• What is my belief system on children, pets, careers, and lifestyles? 
• What makes me feel emotionally safe? Physically safe?

Communicating and Honoring Non-negotiables 

Now that you’ve identified your non-negotiables, enforce them. What’s the first towards doing that? Talking with your partner. Will these be awkward and uncomfortable conversations? Potentially. But, remember these conversations are for your benefit.

Enforcing boundaries isn’t a one-way street. Your partner also has deal breakers that you must respect.

“When you don’t respect someone’s non-negotiables, you are setting yourself up to be in a relationship where your partner’s needs won’t be met, and that’s a problem,” Lewis says.

And when you deliver said boundaries, “be mindful” of how your tone, approach, and delivery, Lewis says. You want to create a safe space for you and your partner to verbalize your needs. And nothing’s unsafer than an angry tone or hostile body language.

Takeaways

Amazing—now we understand what non-negotiables are, why they’re essential, and how to enforce them. The only advice left to share is to reflect periodically on your non-negotiables.

You’re not the same person two years or five years ago—hell, even ten years ago. Anytime something significant happens, our value changes. Just look at your 20s and 30s—relationships, layoffs, deaths, weddings, and childbirth. All of these life events impact our outlook and influence what we find important.

It’s a great thing to grow, evolve, and learn! Understanding how life shifts our worldview and perspective is even better. A happy and healthy relationship is a self-reflection moment away. 

Most afternoons, I enjoy a hot cup of tea with a splash of milk while sitting in silence at the dining table. It’s 10 minutes of solitude before my husband and kids come home and chaos ensues where I have to jump from snack-making, dinner-prepping, and sock-picking to errand running.

I protect this time like my life depends on it. Here’s how that kind of self-preservation may be the key to maintaining peace in your mind and body every day.

Understanding Self-Preservation

Liz Hughes, MEd, LPCC, founder and therapist of Mind Body Therapy explains that self-preservation is our innate biological instinct to stay alive.

Basic Instinct of Self-Preservation in Organisms

When I was pregnant with my son, I went hiking with my sister. Halfway through our trek, my sister’s face suddenly turned white. She spotted a bear about 30 feet from us. My hands immediately grabbed my belly and without thinking, I speed-waddled backwards until the creature was out of sight and started sprinting. 

Self-preservation doesn’t just occur for humans. All animals have a biological instinct to avoid harm, evade predators, and do what it takes to survive.

Fleeing the scene gave me and my unborn child the best chance of survival. If I was closer to the bear or dashed towards it, it may have mauled me for its own self-preservation.

Psychological Aspects of Self-Preservation

There are several psychological responses such as flight, flight or freeze which may coincide with emotions such as anxiety, panic or fear.

“Some people are more resilient to physical or psychological threats while others may be severely impacted. Researchers today continue to explore the reasoning behind the resiliency of humans but some research suggests there are genetic and personality components that lead to better outcomes in the face of adversity,” Hughes says.

The Role of Self-Preservation in Mental Health

Self-preservation has an important role in mental health. It helps us protect ourselves from emotional and psychological harm—it doesn’t just mean running way from bears!

Self-preservation can look like any number of things like the following:

Self-Preservation in Different Contexts

Self-preservation can look different depending on the context. 

Self-Preservation in the Workplace

Hughes shares that at the workplace, someone can use self-preservation by pausing before reacting to a difficult situation.

“If your tendency at work is to immediately take the blame for something even if it isn’t your mistake, you can try pausing and sitting in awkward silence. Conversely, if you usually jump to blame others at work maybe you can try pausing and taking a breath before speaking your thoughts,” explained Hughes.

Self-Preservation in Relationships and Social Interactions

Ricki Romm, LCSW, a psychotherapist who helps individuals and couples explains that self-preservation means protecting your own well-being as part of maintaining a healthy relationship with a partner. 

“That might mean setting and maintaining personal boundaries, expressing or advocating for your own needs, or taking steps to preserve your sense of self and individuality. The goal is to build a relationship where both parties can thrive, rather than prioritizing one’s needs over another’s,” Romm says.

Self-Preservation in Challenging or Dangerous Situations

Hughes shares that in a dangerous situation, it may be counterintuitive to slow down and consider the best option available to you; however, it might be more helpful to do this than making an impulsive decision rooted in anxiety or fear.

For instance, when paramedics first enter a scene, they do not immediately rush to the injured person. Their first step is to check for danger and assess the environment to ensure it’s safe before approaching.

Not every difficult situation you encounter in your life will be this dramatic. With luck, you’ll never face an inherently dangerous situation at all! Even so, following those steps to stop, breathe, and think will be a huge boost to your self-preservation toolkit, even if your own personal danger zone is your living room after everyone gets home in the afternoon.

Self-Preservation and Personal Growth

Self-preservation can be used as a personal development tool. This involves consciously prioritizing your emotional and physical well-being and safety.

Overcoming Fear

Romm shares that self-preservation can help to overcome fear and self-doubt by building resilience and confidence. 

“When you take care of yourself, you have a greater capacity to navigate challenges,” Romm says. “And the more you see yourself as capable of navigating challenges, the less you fear them or doubt your ability to do so.”

Cultivating Self-Compassion

When you focus on self-preservation, you become more mindful of your needs and feelings. This allows you to respond to yourself with kindness rather than self-criticism.

Setting boundaries to protect your mental and emotional health reinforces the idea that you deserve care and respect. This helps you build a compassionate attitude towards yourself.

Stress and burnout are threats to our well-being. Engaging in self-preservation can make it easier to give yourself a break and practice self-care since you’re less likely to be overwhelmed or reactive.

Nurturing Self-Acceptance

Self-preservation encourages acceptance of your limits, imperfections, strengths and vulnerabilities without judgment. It recognizes that it’s okay to prioritize your needs and not always meet external expectations.

Developing Self-Preservation Skills

Romm advises that for many people, the hardest part about developing self-preservation skills is doing the internal work.

“First, being honest with yourself about what your needs are is often easier said than done, especially if you were taught to focus on or prioritize others,” Romm says. “And then understanding what gets in your way of taking care of yourself.

Hughes shares that it can be difficult to challenge our biological response to things like fight, flight or freeze. However, if someone wants to improve their self-preservation skills, she recommends working on emotion regulation practices. 

Healthy emotional regulation means recognizing and understanding your emotional responses. Learn to accept your emotions without rejecting or fearing them, even when they aren’t socially accepted such as anger or sadness.

Use strategies to reduce the intensity of emotions when necessary. This allows you to maintain control and behave constructively when you feel triggered. Lastly, resist impulsive behaviors that might come up when you’re upset, such as lashing out.

Therefore, leaning into your biological instincts may be the key to protecting your peace. The next time you face a challenge, stop and take a moment to listen to your body. It might just tell you what you need to do.