Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

For many people, their 20’s and 30’s are a time of exploration and self-discovery. We talk about taking the time to find out more about who we are, and while we’re at it, venture to become more self-aware. But in reality, research shows only 10-15% of people actually possess true self-awareness.

“Self-awareness is our ability to understand our emotions, thoughts, and beliefs, and how they affect our behaviors. A self-aware person knows their strengths, weaknesses, and areas in their life that need significant improvement. They are aware of the reasons behind their decisions and can be objective in how they evaluate themselves, explains Rachel Goldberg, licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Rachel Goldberg Therapy.

Self-awareness is an important quality that impacts us in every area of life. A keen understanding of your own thoughts and feelings, and how they affect others, can be invaluable. We take a look at questions you can ask yourself to boost your self-awareness.

Why It’s Better to Be Self-aware

It’s hard to articulate our wants and needs to others when you don’t know or understand them yourself. It’s also hard to know how you are coming across to other people. Taking the time to get to know yourself better impacts you physically, mentally, and emotionally.

• When you’re more self-aware you do a better job regulating your emotions and communicating those feelings to others. “It increases our ability to manage our reactions to various situations,” says Goldberg.
• Self-awareness gives you a better sense of who you are. “Self-awareness benefits the development of a sense of self. Values and beliefs are not clear without a cohesive sense of self,” states Nicole Issa, PsyD, Founder and licensed clinical psychologist at the Center for Dynamic and Behavioral Therapy.
• When you know and appreciate who you are, strengths and weaknesses, quirks, and all, you have a greater sense of confidence. “It improves our self-esteem and confidence by helping us understand what we value and desire and make changes to our behavior to align with those,” Goldberg notes.
• Self-discovery through self-awareness also helps you experience personal growth. You’ve taken the time to get to know the areas where you need improvement, and even understand what may or may not work for you to achieve that growth.
• You learn how to manage stress, deal with anxiety, and exercise boundaries. “Without self-awareness, the motivation to take care of yourself is lacking and so having this capability leads to generally improved health and fitness,” Dr. Issa says.

Taking time to be introspective, to think and process your thoughts and feelings, not only helps you, but those around you. Experts have seen the benefits of self-awareness firsthand.

“I once worked with a client who was unable to see how her anxiety was impacting her work performance. By asking a series of poignant questions that got to the heart of her desire for safety (via over-planning, documenting, and re-reading), she was first able to see how these behaviors were impacting others on the team,” explains Kelly L. Campbell, Trauma-Informed Leadership Coach. “In reality, her team perceived her as competent, knowledgeable, friendly, and trustworthy. Both her self-awareness and confidence were boosted in the process.”

Twenty Questions to Ask Yourself to Boost Your Self-Awareness

How am I feeling right now? Asking this question “leads to increased self-awareness as you shift your focus to yourself and reflect on what may be happening in a given moment,” explains Dr. Issa.

What is causing me to feel this way? Taking the time to look beyond your feelings and dive into the reason behind them can help you to be more in touch with your emotions and your responses.

What would other people say that they love about me? Asking yourself this question can allow you to hone in on your strongest qualities, and be aware of areas where you have the most positive
impact.

What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses? “Reflecting on strengths and limitations provides a balanced view of yourself so you can honor both and continue to develop,” notes Saba Harouni Lurie. LMFT, Owner and Founder of Take Root Therapy.

What drains me? What invigorates me? “Think about the situations that lead to changes in energy levels. This is a direct form of self-awareness and allows you to avoid burn out and to plan effectively for the future,” Dr. Issa says.

What do I need right now? Have you ever been grumpy and irritable, only to realize you’ve gone an entire day without eating? Or have you ever been working on a project, and noticed that you feel overwhelmed? What do you need in that moment?

“What’s one thing about your past that you’d want to heal?” asks Campbell. This question “gets straight to the point and moves toward a commitment to make a change.” It may also help you recognize other places in your life where you need healing.

Is this something I want to do? Why or why not? Sometimes we do things out of habit, or expectation. But is it something you truly want to do?

How do I treat other people who can’t do anything for me? This question gives a strong look at your character.

“Are there behaviors I exhibit that don’t align with my current values and beliefs?” asks Goldberg. This is a great question that allows you to really think about why you act in certain ways, especially if they don’t align with who you want to be.

Are my behaviors self-sabotaging? Are you doing things that keep you from achieving the happiness that you want? Is there something in your past that causes you to behave this way?

How do I express my emotions? Do I bottle them inside? Do I lash out? Thinking about this question will help you become more aware of your actions, the reason behind them, and how they affect those around you.

“What is preventing me from achieving success? One aspect of self-awareness is to understand the impact of yourself on, well, yourself. “If you are having trouble with time management at work or thinking clearly, you are fostering self-awareness and can then take steps to improve these areas such as learning coping skills and improved self-care,” Dr. Issa advises.

Are my relationships healthy? Do I feel appreciated in this relationship? Do I value and respect the other person? Answers to these questions can give you insight into areas where you need development and growth, and what improvements you would like to see.

What am I afraid of, and how do I let that fear impact me? Fears can cause us to miss opportunities or make decisions based on emotions and not facts. If you become aware that you do this, you can take active steps to make changes.

“What traits in myself would I not want in a partner, and why?” Goldberg asks. “This allows us to take a bird’s eye view of how we show up in relationships and if it’s something we personally would want in someone else.”

What motivates me? Asking yourself this question can be very telling. More money may motivate someone to take a job; for you, having greater flexibility is more important.

How do others describe me? Are their descriptions accurate? Depending on how you feel about what others say, it can cause you to delve deeper into how your words and actions impact others.

How do I act when you get defensive? This question boosts your awareness of your coping mechanisms and gives you insight into whether they are healthy or not.

When do I feel inferior or unworthy? You can discover an area where you need more growth and development by asking this question.

Keep in Mind

Frequent conflicts in relationships, difficulty controlling emotions, inability to apologize when you’ve done something wrong, and poor decision-making skills can also clue you in to the fact that you could benefit from introspection. Once you see the rewards in your own life, it can become easier to work on being more self-aware.

“Self-awareness isn’t a one-time achievement; it’s an ongoing process. It involves continuously reflecting on yourself and recognizing that it can be challenging to pinpoint your motivations or feelings at times. However, with persistent curiosity and effort, gaining a deeper understanding of your values, how you present yourself, and how you can grow becomes easier and more tolerable and leads to a more intentional life,” Goldberg concludes.

Have you been experiencing romantic attraction towards more than one gender? If you are unfamiliar with the term “biromantic,” this may feel confusing for you. People who are biromantic experience romantic attraction to people of multiple genders. These feelings are independent of their sexual orientation. 

If you are biromantic, you may feel drawn to form deep emotional bonds with people, regardless of their gender identity. This article aims to help you understand what it means to be biromantic and offer advice on living and thriving as a biromantic person.

The Biromantic Basics  

It’s crucial to understand that there’s no blueprint for biromanticism. However, you may be biromantic if you find these eight signs relatable and have struggled with identifying your romantic identity. 

• You are attracted to multiple genders: Experiencing romantic attraction to various genders is a tell-tale sign of being biromantic. It means you desire deep emotional bonds with individuals, regardless of gender identity.
• You have confusing feelings: You may feel confused about your feelings due to societal expectations and the lack of awareness around diverse romantic orientations. Feeling uncertain about your emotions or struggling to understand your romantic preferences can indicate that you might be biromantic.
• You have romantic fantasies involving multiple people: If you find yourself fantasizing about romantic relationships with people of diverse genders, it could be a sign that you’re biromantic. This can include daydreaming about dating or forming emotional connections with people of various gender identities.
• You feel a strong emotional pull to people of different genders: Biromantic people often form strong emotional connections with people of different genders, enjoying their company and engaging in meaningful conversations. If you notice that you develop deep friendships or emotional bonds with people across the gender spectrum, it could be a sign that you’re biromantic.
• You’ve had romantic relationships with multiple genders: Having had romantic relationships with people of more than one gender might indicate that you’re biromantic. By reflecting on your past relationships and examining how gender may have influenced your attractions, you can gain a better understanding of your romantic orientation.
• You feel a sense of belonging in biromantic communities: If you feel welcome and accepted in these communities, it could be a sign that you are biromantic.
• You have flexible romantic preferences: Biromantic people may experience fluctuations in their romantic preferences over time, with attraction to different genders changing or intensifying throughout their lives. If you notice that your romantic interests are fluid and evolving, it could mean that you’re biromantic.
• You relate with biromantic stories and experiences: If you find yourself relating to biromantic narratives and feeling a sense of connection, it could be another sign that you’re biromantic. Engaging with biromantic literature, films, or online content and identifying with the characters and experiences portrayed can help you better understand your romantic orientation.

Still, Biromanticism Is Rarely Obvious

There’s no clear-cut way to determine whether you are biromantic. For Uchechi Okafor, a Nigerian immigrant living in New York, things begin to click after going down an internet rabbit hole on diverse romantic relationships. 

“I struggled to maintain romantic relationships for a long time because I felt such strong emotional connections with my female friends. While I dated men, I often had what I now recognize to be inappropriate relationships with women. I’d be confused when a boyfriend got jealous of my relationship with a female friend because I refused to acknowledge that many of these friendships bordered on romance. 

I couldn’t quite understand why I was emotionally and romantically attracted to both men and women, mainly because I didn’t necessarily feel sexually attracted to women. I felt a lot of confusion about my wants and desires. I often doubted myself, thinking there was something wrong with me. It didn’t feel natural to be so romantically attracted to women. 

One night I did an internet deep dive. I went down a rabbit hole of Reddit threads and many online forums and discovered the term ‘biromantic.’ It was like a light bulb came on in my head; everything suddenly made sense. I spent hours reading about people’s experiences, and it felt like I was the one who had written some of the entries. It was just so eerily familiar but, at the same time, incredibly validating.

I was quick to embrace being biromantic, and it has been a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance since then. Dating is less confusing now but a lot harder. I try to be upfront about who I am; sometimes, people don’t understand. They make me feel selfish or indecisive. I also opened up to my very traditional family, and they’ve had difficulty accepting who I am—fearing that I’ll marry a woman. 

Thankfully I’ve found a sense of belonging and connection with other people who share my experiences. Being open about my biromanticism has allowed me to connect with others who can relate, and it has strengthened my relationships. I’ve realized that my romantic orientation is valid and part of who I am. I’ve also learned the importance of self-compassion and self-love in embracing my romantic identity.”

Uchechi isn’t alone. It has been four years since she came out as biromantic and became an active member of biromantic communities in her city—meeting and connecting with people who share the same romantic orientation she does. She tells of the growing numbers within these communities and how, over the years, that has contributed to her feeling comfortable about being biromantic. 

How to Navigate and Support Biromantic Relationships

Open and honest communication. This is critical in any relationship, but especially important in this case. Share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences as a biromantic person with your partner to build trust and understanding. It’s important to encourage your partner to communicate their needs and boundaries so that you have a better experience with each other.

Establish and respect personal boundaries. Doing this in your relationship is the next most critical thing. Discuss your comfort levels, expectations, and concerns with your partner to ensure a healthy, supportive dynamic. It’s essential to keep in mind that boundaries may shift with time, and it’s crucial to have regular conversations about them.

Offer emotional support to one another. Do your best to empathize with the unique experiences and challenges that may arise from being biromantic. Create a safe space to share your feelings openly and without judgment.

Educate yourself. Making sure you and your partner are educated about biromanticism and the diverse spectrum of romantic orientations is also essential. This knowledge can help you both better understand and navigate your relationship. Read books, attend workshops, or join support groups to understand biromantic experiences and challenges better.

Practice patience and understanding. Navigating a biromantic relationship can be challenging, especially if you or your partner are still discovering your romantic orientation. Practice patience and understanding as you both grow and learn together. Embrace and celebrate your biromantic identity, both individually and as a couple. Recognize the unique strengths and perspectives that being biromantic brings to your relationship and use them to strengthen your bond.

Connect with other biromantic people. Connecting with other biromantic people and communities, both online and in-person, provides a support network that can help you and your partner feel understood. Within those communities, you can share your experiences and learn from others who might be going through the same thing.

Trust is key. Finally, while trust is crucial in any relationship, it can be especially important in a biromantic relationship. Be open and honest with your partner about your feelings, experiences, and concerns. Demonstrating vulnerability and transparency can help build a solid foundation of trust and understanding in your relationship.

Where Can You Find Resources?

If you’ve just discovered you are biromantic, you may be searching the Internet for resources to help you understand your feelings. Here are the best places to find information on biromanticism. 

• Online communities: Join online forums or social media groups dedicated to biromantic people to connect with others who share your experiences, exchange advice, and find support. The Trevor Project and The Bisexual Resource Center are great places to start.
• Local LGBTQ+ organizations: Reach out to local LGBTQ+ organizations and inquire about resources, support groups, or events focused on biromanticism and other romantic orientations.
• Speak to a therapist: If you’re struggling or need additional support, consider speaking to a mental health professional who has experience in LGBTQ+ issues.
• Books and media: Explore books, movies, podcasts, or documentaries that discuss biromantic experiences and romantic orientation diversity to better understand and connect with your identity.

Encourage your friends and family members to become allies to learn more about biromanticism and support the community. Share your resources and information with them, and help raise awareness and challenge harmful misconceptions about what it means to be biromantic.