Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

You and a coworker are working on a project together. She’s excited, you’re excited, plans are coming around, and things are looking up. That is until she starts acting weird. Not committing to deadlines. Forgetting about assignments. Taking credit for your ideas. Establishing herself as the key contributor, even though they did zero, zip, zilch, nada.

This was Kesely Gunning‘s, MSW, a family support specialist, experience a couple of years ago and another classic case of someone not having your best interest at heart.

It’s hard to tell if a friend, lover, family member, or even coworker is rooting for you or looking out for themselves. Hidden motives, personal agendas, and blatant dishonesty make it hard to know who is for you or against you.

That all sounds fine and dandy, but how do you avoid waiting months or years to know if someone is your ride or die? Ahead, we break down the signs of a person who truly has your best interest at heart versus the one who’s for themselves and themselves only.

Figuring Out If They Have Your Best Interest at Heart

Okay, so your friend is always there for you. They come calling when you’re having a bad day. Need to celebrate? They’re there with a bottle of wine and a box of chocolate in hand. Do *any* of these actions mean they have your best interest at heart? Not necessarily.

Signs Someone Has Your Best Interest

Figuring out where you stand with someone requires going beneath the surface—not relying only on what they say or do. Here are some several traits or qualities you should consider:

• Does this person listen to what you’re saying? “When there is a genuine connection, you actively listen to a person and hone in to better understand their feelings without interrupting or dismissing them,” explains David Campbell, DSW, LMFT, the clinical and program director at Recover. “This shows that you care and have respect for that person’s feelings and concerns.”
• Is this person honest? It’s difficult to have a worthwhile relationship with someone you can’t trust. Lying can be a self-serving trait. And if this person is lying to help their cause, then they are not looking out for what benefits you. Furthermore, be aware of whether this person tries to manipulate you into agreeing with them or abandoning your desires for theirs.
• Does this person act selflessly? When you spend time with this person, is it all about them, their interests, or what they want to do? Are their choices beneficial to them and lack consideration for you or your feelings?
• Are they consistent? Does this person promise to show up for you and then bail? Do they promise to be there or get things done but back out at the last minute or cancel unexpectedly? “This is a big one,” Dr. Campbell says. “People not only tell you they care but they show you in the way they show up for you. This sign demonstrates reliability and responsibility, indicating they prioritize your needs.”
• Is there respect for your boundaries? This means they shouldn’t pressure you to do something that makes you uncomfortable or violates your beliefs. When your boundaries are respected, “[they] honor and respect your choices, showing that they value your autonomy and personal space,” says Gunning.

A person who has your best interest at heart will help you foster a healthy, mature relationship. They’ll create a space that feels safe and affirming for both of you.

The Benefits of Having Someone in Your Life Who Has Your Back

A relationship where you feel supported and valued benefits you mentally and emotionally. Your self-esteem and self-worth improve. So does your confidence.

“Their encouragement and constructive feedback can help you better handle stress and adversity, fostering emotional strength and resilience,” Gunning notes. It can foster personal growth, too.

You’ll feel less anxious and depressed, plus more stable knowing you have a ride-or-die. You don’t have to question their intentions or be wary of their actions, waiting for them to betray you or the friendship.

“When someone doesn’t have your best interest at heart, it can lead to a range of negative emotional responses, including anxiety, sadness, and anger,” Dr. Campbell states. “These feelings can create a sense of emotional instability, making it challenging to maintain healthy relationships. As such being around such individuals can trigger stress responses, impacting your overall mental health.”

Why Having A Ride-or-Die Bestie Is Important

It’s important to discern whether someone really has your best interest at heart. Not only does it save you a lot of pain in the long run (friendship breakups suck!), but it also helps you build better and long-lasting friendships.

A friend who has your back should offer you consistent and unwavering support. They don’t have to agree with everything you say, but they should *always* want the best for you. They respect your boundaries and the decisions that you make, whether they agree with them or not. Your thoughts and words should matter. And they should be happy for you and want to see you do well. These are signs of a person who genuinely cares.

“When someone has your best interest at heart, they truly want the best for you,” Dr. Campell explains.“When making choices or giving advice, this person considers your needs, feelings, and general welfare. They put your success and happiness ahead of their own interests or hidden agendas, acting with compassion and love. In essence, it conveys an altruistic and sympathetic viewpoint toward you with no hidden agenda.”

For most of us, the mother is the first person we meet in the world. The mother feeds, clothes, and bathes us. The mother cares for us, guides us, protects us. But some mothers or mother figures don’t do this—some mothers are emotionally unavailable, physically absent, or both. Some mothers lack the necessary caregiving we need in our adolescence (and beyond). And this lack of safety, nurture, and care from our mother—our primary caregiver—leaves us with a “mother wound.”

“A mother wound refers to a disruption in the relationship between a mother, or other primary caregiver, and a child,” says Jamie Bennett, LMFT, a family wellness clinician at Mountainside Treatment Center.

When you’re growing up, your sense of safety and identity are tied to your interactions with your primary caregiver. This can be your mom, your dad, or a parental figure. A strained or wonky relationship with your caregiver can result in a mother wound.

“When the primary caregiver meets the child’s needs, it lets the child know that they are loved, accepted, and safe,” Bennett explains. On the other hand, “if needs are not met, the child’s sense of self and safety will be negatively impacted, and they may develop beliefs that they are not lovable or that the world is not safe,” she notes.

Ahead, we examine the mother wound—what it looks like, why it develops, how it impacts our lives, and how to heal.

Understanding the Mother Wound

Living with a mother wound can impact *so* many aspects of a person’s life, from their mental health to their relationships, identity, and self-worth. The first step towards healing your mother wound is to understand it and the hold it has on your life. “It is crucial to understand and heal ‘mother wounds’ to have healthy and supportive adult relationships as well as develop high self-esteem and a sense of safety,” Bennett emphasizes.

Brittany Cilento Kopycienski, a licensed professional counselor at Grow Counseling Solutions, agrees, adding that addressing how your mother wound manifests in your life helps you gain insight into your own struggles.

“Understanding how developmental trauma with one’s mother currently impacts everyday living gives individuals the ability to address low self-esteem in adulthood, obtain healthier intimate relationships, and gain healthier beliefs about one’s self,” she notes.

Signs and Symptoms of the Mother Wound

Like any physical wound, you can’t heal until you recognize something is wrong. The same rule applies to mental wounds. That’s why it’s super important to identify your symptoms if you’re dealing with a mother wound. Mother wounds can manifest in all sorts of ways but there are a few common signs and symptoms to zero in.

Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem is a hallmark characteristic of having a mother wound, says Kopycienski. It can manifest in persistent negative beliefs about yourself including “I am unlovable” or “I am a failure.” Additionally, Kopycienski says, “People who struggle with this wound usually struggle with self-care and self-compassion.”

Finding Yourself in Similar “Mother” Relationships

Sometimes, we seek relationships with people who resemble our caregivers, which is a sign of a “mother wound.”

“For example, if the mother was emotionally unavailable or cold, the person might seek partners who act the same way because internally they believe that is what they deserve,” Bennett says.

Negative Self-Talk

According to Renée Zavislak, LMFT, the host of Psycho Therapist: The Podcast, folks with mother wounds often engage in negative self-talk—the same kind of negative self-talk their moms might have engaged in when they were kids.

“I have a client who speaks to herself with the exact same voice she heard from her mother,” Zavislak says. For instance, when her client developed acne, her mom used to say: “What is wrong with you? Didn’t I teach you how to wash your face?” Or, when mom didn’t like her outfit, she’d say: “What is wrong with you? You look like a hobo.” Now, at 40 years old, her client uses the same rhetoric, always beginning negative thoughts with “What is wrong with you?”

Much of this negative self-talk centers around her appearance, just like her mother focused on. “After a recent speaking engagement, she lamented her less than-perfect appearance in my office, exclaiming, ‘What is wrong with me? Did I just learn how to talk?’” Zavislak shares. “These recriminations are her internal language now.”

Struggles With Boundaries and Communication

It’s typical for people with mother wounds to struggle with boundaries in relationships. “The most common sign that someone may have a mother wound is interpersonal struggles, meaning difficulty with boundaries and communication, especially in intimate relationships,” Kopycienski explains. “One is typically very codependent or on the other end of the spectrum, too independent.” In addition, people with mother wounds are usually passive or passive-aggressive communicators and need to build more assertive communication, she says.

People Pleasing and Codependency

Another way the wounds of a broken mother-child relationship manifest is feelings of deep insecurity in relationships. This tends to show up as different types of relationship dysfunctions. “Someone with a mother wound may exhibit people-pleasing or codependent behaviors as they try to gain the acceptance and love of future partners,” Bennett says.

The Mother Wound and Relationships

Mother wounds don’t just impact your mental health and well-being but your interactions with others, especially in the realm of close and intimate relationships. “Mother wounds can have a significant impact on romantic relationships or any type of intimate relationship,” Bennett says. “This is because our relationship with our mother or primary caregiver is our first example of what relationships are and what they should look like.”

For example, if your mother was emotionally unavailable, you can replicate this behavior in intimate and close family relationships. Say your mother was abusive or highly critical. You might behave this way towards people you’re close with or accept this same treatment from others, she adds.

The Role of Unprocessed Trauma in the Mother Wound

Understanding and healing from your mother wound means learning the impact your mother’s behaviors had on you. According to our experts, your mother’s behavior stems from their trauma. Your mom has their own mother wound passed down for their mother and so on. It’s cyclic.

“The mother wound is an attachment wound sustained by the child of a mother who is carrying her own unresolved trauma,” says Zavislak. “Because the mother is consequently unable to mirror the child’s needs, maintain appropriate boundaries, and/or otherwise meet the child’s needs, the wound is passed to her or him.”

But breaking this trauma cycle is within reach. Let’s take a look at what that involves.

Healing and Recovery from the Mother Wound

“Healing from a mother wound is possible,” Bennett stresses. But, what does this healing look like? “It means that you will have to bring awareness to dynamics from childhood and examine them,” she says. It involves determining what was missing from your childhood and looking for a way to provide that for yourself. This may include providing yourself with the safety, acceptance, and love missing from your childhood.

Therapy

Once you are aware of your mother wound and the cycle of trauma that triggered it, the next step is psychotherapy, which focuses on trauma recovery, Kopyciensk says.

“Once you acknowledge the cycle, I would suggest therapy to help with effectively breaking the cycle,” she says. “Therapy allows you to help you develop healthier communication styles, setting boundaries, make sense of your experiences, and reframe negative thought patterns developed from your childhood.”

Self-Care

Self-care and self-compassion are so important when working on breaking the mother wound and cycle of trauma. “Changing our behavior and past negative patterns of behavior are a must to achieve meaningful change and starting with some self-care is key,” says Kopycienski. “This isn’t just nails and hair, but saying no when we have too much on our plate or listening to when our body needs a rest.”

Cultivating Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships

At times, healing from a mother wound can directly involve your own mother, if they’re is still alive. This might involve some honest talks with your mom about how you felt growing up and how it continues to impact you. This conversation can be challenging—not to mention emotional and tense, too—so aim to chat in a safe space, like a therapist’s office.

Sometimes, repairing this relationship with your mom isn’t always possible. “Some mothers simply are unable to acknowledge or process what they have done,” Bennett says. “In that case, it is up to the individual through therapy and self-reflection to understand how they have been wounded and provide themselves with what they need from their mother or primary caregiver.”

“Her daughter took her up on the offer and healing via communication and understanding started to occur during that session,” she explains. “When I last spoke to this client, they reported their relationship with their daughter was far from perfect but by her taking accountability and learning a different way of living she was able to have at least a relationship with her daughter.”

Takeaways

You are not the only one who has a mother wound. Daddy issues? Mommy issues? Mother wounds? They’re all just different forms of trauma stemming from our difficult relationships with our caregivers. But here’s the thing: you don’t have to carry this wound anymore. You can start stitching it up, sewing the skin back together, and letting it heal.

Does that look like having a fully repaired relationship with your mother? Maybe. Maybe not. Nevertheless, you don’t need your mom to fix your wound because you have you. Everything you lacked in your childhood—love, care, acceptance, safety? You can give it to yourself and nurture them in adult relationships. You’re in the driving seat of your life now—not your mom, not your dad, no one. Just you.