What to Know About the Lipstick Effect

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


When the economy seems to be on a downward spiral and money is tight, people tend to find ways to cope. That might involve canceling an upcoming girls’ trip to the Amalfi Coast or saving the last few dollars in your paycheck instead of splurging on the Dior Saddle bag you’ve been eyeing since 2021. But unlike underconsumptioncore and the Buy Nothing movement, which encourages people to make use of the items they already own—namely clothing and accessories—rather than consume more, there’s one economic trend that has a rather different motive. 

First proposed by economist and sociology professor Juliet Schor in her 1998 book, “The Overspent American,” the “lipstick effect” describes the phenomenon where people—mostly women— tend to splurge on small luxury items, namely lipstick during times of economic uncertainty. The actual term “lipstick effect” was later coined by billionaire and Estée Lauder Companies heir Leonard Lauder in 2001 when he noticed a spike in the company’s lipstick sales post 9/11. 

To learn more about the psychological and economic factors that drive consumer behavior during economic crises, we spoke to two financial experts on the lipstick effect, what drives this trend, and some limitations of the theory. Ahead, everything you ever needed to know about the lipstick effect and how it might be impacting you. 

Understanding the Lipstick Effect

The Lipstick Effect

The term “lipstick effect” refers to “the propensity for women’s makeup sales to be inversely associated with the economy,” says Colleen Kirk, a consumer behavior researcher and professor of marketing at the New York Institute of Technology School of Management. In other words, when the economy is in decline, women’s spending on makeup is shown to rise

“When inflation increases and the economy cools, people tighten their wallets and reduce their spending,” she explains. “But there are some products, often those that don’t cost a lot of money, for which demand actually increases during a recession. One of these product categories is women’s makeup.”

A 2012 study reported that women’s desire for a financially secure relationship partner grows during times of economic turmoil. This heightened desire for a financially successful partner prompts them to spend money on products that can enhance their appearance such as lipstick.

How the Lipstick Effect Plays Out IRL

Curious to know how the lipstick effect has influenced my own social circle, I surveyed my social media followers about any recent beauty purchases they’ve made while on a budget. Zameena Mejia, 31, shared that she had recently gifted herself press-on nails after getting laid off in June from her job as a communications manager at a non-profit.

Her reasoning? “I can’t afford to splurge on manicures like I used to,” she says. Similarly, Leslie Aguilar, 25, a recent college graduate, had recently bought herself a Dior lip gloss as a “dopamine hit” and reward for hitting her budgeting goal. These responses align with research, which shows that the lipstick effect is caused by “a psychological desire to ‘treat’ oneself in a more frugal way during an economic downturn.”

It’s Not Just Beauty Products

Despite the theory’s title, however, the lipstick effect is not exclusive to the beauty industry and makeup products. The lipstick effect is simply an economic indicator economists have studied over time. Really, this theory is an observation of people being more likely to spend on small luxuries or indulgences while being more mindful about spending on bigger ticket items during periods of economic crisis, says Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, a certified financial therapist for mobile payment service Cash App. 

Apart from high-end cosmetics, people might indulge in a box of premium chocolates, a bottle of perfume, jewelry, or specialty foods, for example, say the experts. Romance and fantasy novels have also seen an uptick in sales during periods of economic recession as people search for budget-friendly outlets for escapism.

Psychological and Sociological Factors of the Lipstick Effect

While it’s been noted that the lipstick effect drives consumers to buy smaller luxuries when money is tight, you might be wondering what psychological and sociological factors may explain this urge to splurge. “When resources are scarce, researchers have documented two routes that consumers use to cope psychologically,” says Kirk. One route is working toward reducing scarcity by gaining more money and the other route is working toward securing a sense of control, she adds.

Humans have a fundamental need for control in our lives. It’s a basic motivation and research has shown that when control is taken away from us in one domain, we try to exert it in others. And one way is by controlling the things we purchase.

—
COLLEEN KIRK, A CONSUMER BEHAVIOR RESEARCHER AND PROFESSOR OF MARKETING AT THE NEW YORK INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY SCHOOL OF MANAGEMENT.

Remember the pandemic craze of people buying fish flip-flops and showing them off on social media? Yeah, that was the lipstick effect, Kirk argues. Regardless of the absurdity of ‘fish flops,’ “it allowed people to gain a sense of control in their lives when they had no control because it was taken away from them due to external forces,” she notes.

Not to mention, social shopping channels on TikTok and Instagram can create a sense of urgency and exclusivity around products, Kirk says. She continues, adding that human influencers can enhance the psychological factors behind the lipstick effect by pushing the idea that an item can make you feel good and regulate your mood.

“When we’re in an economic downturn, there is a bigger sense of feeling out of control, of not being sure what’s going to happen with one’s job, and all of that extra anxiety can be a lot,” says Bryan-Podvin. “Shopping is a very predictable experience. Whether we’re shopping in person or online, we know what to expect, and that predictability and sense of control can be something that we crave.”

Limitations of the Lipstick Effect Theory

Like most theories that aim to explain human behavior, the lipstick effect isn’t perfect. For one, just because there’s an association between economic growth and makeup purchases, that doesn’t mean that every time lipstick sales increase, it’s a sign of economic decline, says Kirk. “You have to remember cause and effect.”

Moreover, we need to be careful about gendering consumer behaviors as that can lead to preconceived notions and possible discrimination towards one particular gender—which, in this case, is women. While most of the current research on the lipstick effect centers on those who identify as a woman and how they’re impacted by the phenomenon, men and non-binary people can participate in the lipstick effect, too.

“We tend to be a little bit more harsh on how women are or aren’t spending their money, and so it doesn’t surprise me that this was the way this particular phenomenon was coined,” says Bryan-Podvin. “In general, being cognizant of how we’re gendering these different things is important.”

Reminder

Much like underconsumptioncore, by branding or hashtagging a practice, you may be oversimplifying the overarching reality for most consumers. Just because someone “treats” themself to a small luxury when money is tight doesn’t mean they’re not taking proactive steps to become more financially secure.

“In economic downturns, people may be spending a little bit more on small luxuries, but they also may be taking more steps to save up money and being more mindful about those other expenses,” Bryan-Podvin notes.

How to Counteract the Urge to Splurge

While there’s no shame in buying yourself a small tube of lipstick to feel a sense of control, you might actually want to set those $30 aside to save up for bigger, more urgent purchases. With that in mind, we asked the experts for some advice on how to avoid making impulse purchases when money is tight. Here’s what they had to say:

Avoid Falling Into a Scarcity Mindset

Even though you may not feel financially abundant right now, imagining yourself in a situation of plenty can actually help alleviate some of that anxiety and reduce stress, says Kirk. Being aware that a scarcity mindset exists can influence how you behave, she adds. “It has even been shown to help reduce unneeded purchasing.”

Budget for Small Luxuries

If you don’t currently have a “Treat Yo’ Self” fund, this is your sign to start one. “My partner and I budget for ‘fun money’ at the beginning of each month, where we allocate money that we each allow to spend without the other’s judgment,” says Bryan-Podvin. “And so if I decide that I want to save it up for a few months and indulge on a spa day, then I’m allowed to do that.”

Not only is this budgeting hack a great way to have a few extra bucks at the end of each month, but it also accounts for small luxuries, so you can buy what you want and when you want it, says Kirk. So when the economy is, in fact, in crisis, you won’t feel bad about snagging that Rhode pocket blush that’s been sitting in your wishlist.

Pinpoint Your Why

This should be the case whenever making a non-essential purchase, but especially during an economic downturn. It’s important to think about your “why” behind a buy. Are you really wanting a new lipstick or is your desire to go shopping fulfilling another need?

“For me, if I’m imagining this scenario, maybe it’s not necessarily about having a sense of control or having a new color on my lips, but really about getting out and being in community,” says Bryan-Podvin. “And if that’s the ‘why’ behind my purchase, how can I find other ways to get out and be with people? How can I still have my needs met without spending money that maybe I don’t want to spend?”

Is It a Recession or Just Your Anxiety Talking?

As Kirk previously mentioned, an uptick in lipstick sales doesn’t necessarily mean the economy is tanking. It’s hard to say whether the recent increase in makeup sales means an economic recession is imminent or if something else is going on. Remember: The lipstick effect isn’t only caused by economic factors, but can be driven by feelings of anxiety or lack of control as a result of other outside agents.

“There’s a lot happening in our world that can cause anxiety,” affirms Kirk. “When we feel anxious about external forces outside of our control, we tend to engage in consumption and purchasing small items, especially, to give us a greater sense of control.”

Bryan-Podvin says that in her therapy practice, worry over a coming recession has been a theme for the past three years. Nevertheless, she cautions against falling into anticipatory anxiety, which is when you feel anxious about something that might happen in the future. “The economy is a cyclical cycle, meaning it will always be changing,” she notes. 

Keep in Mind

While you don’t control the flow of commerce, you can control how you react to the waves of the economy. Ask yourself what you can do to feel safe during a time of economic uncertainty, suggests Bryan-Podvin. “Does it mean saving up a little bit more? Or, giving yourself a bigger treat budget because you might not be saving up for a big vacation in the future?”

What are the things that you can realistically do to start feeling good, now? If, for you, that means getting your hands on a new Gisou tinted lip oil to feel a sense of normalcy, there’s absolutely no shame in that. 


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50+ Ways to Be More Self-Sufficient

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Whether it’s leaning on others for advice, emotional validation, financial support, or help with daily tasks, we all need support sometimes. Maybe it’s from our parents, partners, friends, or other people in our lives—it’s comforting to have someone to turn to. On the flip side, it can be easy to fall into a cycle of dependence, and before we realize it, this reliance can start to hold us back.

The truth is, it’s important to learn how to be self-sufficient. Taking charge of our own lives can help us build the confidence we need to stand on our own two feet. Knowing that we can take care of ourselves and our needs can help us feel more empowered and independent.

“You are the only person who is going to be around for every moment of your life and the person who will have to deal with the impact of each of your decisions. The more you develop your self-sufficiency skill set, the more you can rely on yourself in any situation,” says Nikki Innocent, a holistic life, career, and leadership coach.

In this article, we explore the benefits of self-sufficiency and ask the experts for some strategies on how to be more independent—emotionally, practically, and financially speaking.

At a Glance

Tired of always relying on others? It’s time to break free from that cycle. Being more self-sufficient can help you be more confident, independent, and resilient.

Whether it’s your finances, relationships, or daily tasks, it’s important to start taking responsibility for yourself. You may make mistakes occasionally, but it’s all part of the learning process. Be patient with yourself and keep at it, you’ll be a pro in no time. You’ve got this!

Benefits of Being More Autonomous

These are some of the benefits of being self-sufficient:

  • Problem-solving abilities: Learning to tackle challenges on our own strengthens our problem-solving abilities, helping us find solutions.
  • Confidence: Knowing we can handle challenges and take care of ourselves boosts our confidence and self-esteem.
  • Independence: Self-sufficiency gives us the power to determine the outcome of our lives and make decisions that are best for us, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. “Without it, the people we are dependent on tend to take priority before us and most of our decisions are filtered through what works for them, often putting our needs on the backburner.”
  • Resilience: By managing our own needs, we become more adaptable and better equipped to handle life’s ups and downs.
  • Personal growth: Taking responsibility for ourselves teaches us new skills. Though we may make mistakes, we learn from them and discover our strengths and weaknesses.
  • Identity: Without a sense of self-sufficiency, many folks disappear into the identities, goals, and preferences of those around them, says Innocent. “Codependency and enmeshment are slippery slopes to losing ourselves and before we know it we’re participating in dysfunctional relationships and operating out of alignment with our values, needs and desires.”

  • Authenticity: Self-sufficiency allows us to live a more authentic life that is aligned with our values, instead of sacrificing and suppressing our needs to preserve our relationship with the person we are dependent on, says Dr. Romanoff.
  • Financial stability: Reducing our dependence on others can lead to financial independence and security.
  • Empowerment: The ability to take care of ourselves empowers us to pursue our dreams and goals without being held back by dependency.
  • Equitable relationships: When we are self-reliant, our relationships become healthier, as we’re able to contribute equally without feeling like we’re burdening others.
  • Satisfaction: Achieving our goals independently brings a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.
  • Mental health: Increased self-sufficiency is linked to better well-being and lower rates of mental health conditions like depression and substance use.

Nikki Innocent, Life Coach

You are the only person who is going to be around for every moment of your life…The more you develop your self-sufficiency skill set, the more you can rely on yourself in any situation.

— Nikki Innocent, Life Coach

How to Develop Self-Sufficiency

Becoming more self-sufficient involves gradually building skills and habits that allow you to rely on yourself more and others less. Here’s how you can start:

  • Embrace solitude: Spend time alone to reflect, recharge, and connect with yourself. Being comfortable in your own company is a key aspect of self-sufficiency.
  • Increase your self-awareness: Innocent recommends getting to know yourself better and learning your strengths and weaknesses, so you have an idea of where you can rely on yourself and when you might need support or help from others.
  • Set clear goals: Identify specific areas where you want to be more self-sufficient, whether it’s managing your finances, making decisions, or handling everyday tasks. Setting actionable goals will give you a clear roadmap to follow.
  • Start small: Break your goals into smaller steps and focus on achieving one step at a time. This will make the process less daunting and you’ll find that your confidence increases with each step.
  • Build your skills: Focus on developing the skills that you need to meet your goals, whether it’s cooking, cleaning, budgeting, investing, or changing the oil in your car. The more capable you become, the less you’ll need to depend on others.

  • Tackle challenges on your own: Practice tackling challenges on your own by researching solutions, weighing your options, and making decisions without immediately seeking help or advice from others.
  • Develop a growth mindset: Embrace a growth mindset, which essentially means believing you can learn or accomplish things on your own if you just put in the effort. Instead of letting mistakes or challenges deter you, see them as learning opportunities that will help you get better.
  • Seek out learning experiences: Intentionally seek learning experiences around things that are of interest to you or are necessary for you to lead the life you want, says Innocent.
  • Create a supportive environment: Surround yourself with people who encourage your independence rather than fostering dependency. It’s important to have a support system that respects your journey towards self-sufficiency.
  • Celebrate your wins: Celebrate each win, no matter how small it is. Every step you take toward self-sufficiency builds confidence and momentum.

Strategies for Building Self-Sufficiency in Different Areas of Life

It’s important to build self-sufficiency in all the different aspects of your life. Here are some strategies that may be helpful.

In Relationships

Self-sufficiency in relationships doesn’t mean isolation. Rather, it’s about finding a balance between independence and interdependence. Here’s how to cultivate it:

  • Don’t lose yourself in relationships: Resist the temptation to make another person your whole world, says Dr. Romanoff. Whether it’s a romantic or platonic relationship, it’s easy to get swept away, particularly in the early stages. “It’s important to actively keep the other buckets of your life full by actively prioritizing your work, health, family, and friendships in order to maintain a balance.”
  • Cultivate your own interests: Make time for activities that you enjoy doing independently of your partner, family, or friends. This not only enriches your life but also gives you a sense of individuality.
  • Build your decision-making skills: Practice making decisions independently, even in small matters. This boosts your confidence and reduces the need to seek constant validation from others.
  • Divide responsibilities equitably: If you live with a partner, friends, or family members, divide chores, household tasks, and responsibilities equally. Do your share and ask others to do the same. This promotes fairness and reduces resentment.

  • Work on emotional independence: Learn to process your emotions and manage stress on your own, rather than relying solely on others, such as your partner or parents, for comfort or reassurance. Dr. Romanoff recommends sitting with yourself every so often and becoming more aware of the emotional needs you attempt to soothe or get met from others.
  • Maintain your friendships: Strong friendships provide support and perspective. Invest time and energy into maintaining them.
  • Reflect on your relationship dynamics: Regularly assess how much you’re relying on your partner or friends for validation, decision-making, or emotional support. Adjust your behavior if you notice an imbalance.
  • Encourage mutual growth: Support your partner or friends in their journey towards self-sufficiency as well. A relationship where both parties are independent yet connected tends to be healthier and more fulfilling.
  • Set healthy boundaries: Establish clear boundaries about what you’re comfortable with in terms of time, space, and emotional support. This helps you maintain both your independence and your relationships.

In Finances

Financial self-sufficiency involves taking control of your finances and ensuring you have the resources to meet your needs without relying on others. Here’s how you can work towards it:

  • Understand your finances: Start by tracking your income and expenses. You should know how much money you have, where it is kept, and how much you earn and spend every year.
  • Make a budget: Plan your finances for the year and allocate expenses for your needs, savings, and discretionary spending. A clear budget helps you see where your money is going and ensures you’re living within your means.
  • Pay off debt: Focus on reducing and eventually paying off any debt, especially high-interest debt like credit card fees. Being debt-free is a significant aspect of financial self-sufficiency.
  • Save regularly: Make saving a habit. Try to make sure you save a certain percentage of your income every month. Even small contributions can grow into a significant nest egg if you’re consistent. The sooner you start, the better.
  • Invest wisely: Learn the basics of investing and consider putting your money into assets like stocks, bonds, or mutual funds. The right investments can help your money grow faster than it would in a savings account.

  • Diversify your income: If possible, diversify your income streams by having more than one source of income, to reduce your financial risk. This could involve freelancing, starting a side business, or investing in rental properties.
  • Avoid lifestyle creep: As your income increases, resist the temptation to upgrade your lifestyle significantly. Instead, focus on living comfortably within your means and saving or investing the balance.
  • Cut back on your expenses: Keep an eye on your spending habits and cut back on unnecessary purchases. Redirect those savings towards paying off debt or building your savings and investments.
  • Be wary of debt: Be cautious about taking on new debt, especially for non-essential purchases. If you do need to borrow money, make sure it’s for a very good reason and have a clear plan to repay it quickly.
  • Maintain an emergency fund: Set aside some money for unexpected situations or expenses. Try to put aside at least six months’ worth of living expenses for a rainy day.
  • Plan for retirement: Start saving for retirement as early as possible, even if it’s just a small amount every month.

In Daily Tasks and Responsibilities

Building self-sufficiency in daily chores and tasks involves developing the skills you need to look after yourself. Here are some tips that may come in handy:

  • Create a routine: Establish a daily or weekly schedule for tasks like cooking, cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping. A routine helps ensure that everything gets done regularly and keeps things from piling up to a point where they become unmanageable.
  • Learn basic skills: If you’re not confident in your abilities, take the time to learn. For example, mastering simple cooking techniques, understanding how to do laundry properly, or learning basic home maintenance can save you a lot of time and money.
  • Organize your space: Keep your living and working spaces organized can help ensure that tasks are easier to manage. Decluttering and having a place for everything can help you be more efficient.
  • Set realistic timeframes: Allocate enough time for each of your chores to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Otherwise you’ll be scrambling to try and get everything done.
  • Work your way up to more challenging tasks: Start with small, manageable tasks and gradually take on more responsibilities. For example, you can begin by preparing one meal a day, then work up to cooking all your meals for the week.

  • Build consistency: Consistency is key to building self-sufficiency. Stick to your routines and habits, even when it feels easier to skip them. With time, these tasks will become like second nature to you and you’ll be able to do them effortlessly.
  • Solve problems independently: When something goes wrong—like a burnt meal or a flat tire—try to solve the issue on your own first. This will help you build your problem-solving skills and improve your confidence.
  • Have fun: Find ways to make chores more enjoyable, like listening to music or podcasts while you clean or cooking a new recipe that excites you. This can make daily tasks feel less like a chore and more like a rewarding activity.

Overcoming Challenges to Self-Sufficiency

If you’re finding it hard to become more self-sufficient, these are some strategies that may help:

  • Identify the problem: Start by recognizing the specific challenges you’re facing, whether they’re related to lack of skills, time constraints, emotional barriers, or financial limitations. Understanding the cause of the problem is the first step toward overcoming it.
  • Overcome fear of failure: Fear of failing or making mistakes can prevent you from taking the steps you need to move forward. While it’s okay to be scared, don’t let your fears paralyze you and hold you back.
  • Set realistic expectations: Understand that becoming fully self-sufficient takes time. Keep your expectations realistic and be patient with yourself during this process.
  • Seek knowledge and skills: If a lack of knowledge or skills is holding you back, commit to learning. Take classes, read books, watch tutorials, or seek mentorship. Becoming more competent in the areas where you feel inadequate will boost your confidence.
  • Manage your time effectively: Time management can be a significant challenge. Learn to prioritize important tasks and avoid procrastinating. Effective time management can help you balance your responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed.

  • Practice self compassion: Release the need to be perfect, says Innocent. “If you aren’t used to being self-sufficient it can be hard and scary, but the mountain isn’t as high or hard to climb as it seems when you first start. Make it a point to notice the small moments of progress and celebrate your wins, whether it’s the first time you change your own oil or do your own taxes.”
  • Prepare for pushback: There will be people who are used to your lack of self-sufficiency and have benefitted from your lack of boundaries or self-directed action, says Innocent. “As you become more self-sufficient that will come with boundaries and behavior changes that will have you showing up differently in your life and relationships. Those who truly care about you and your well-being may have a hard time with the change but will ultimately want what’s best for you.”
  • Find an accountability partner: Innocent recommends finding someone who is working toward similar goals as you, so you can share your experiences, motivate each other, and be accountable to one another.

  • Build a support system: While self-sufficiency is about relying on yourself, it’s also important to have a support system. Surround yourself with people who encourage your growth and independence, and who can offer advice or guidance when needed.
  • Prioritize self-care: Prioritize your physical and mental health. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, exercise, nutrition, and time to relax. When you’re well-rested, healthy, and emotionally balanced, you’re better equipped to tackle challenges.
  • Document your progress: Innocent recommends tracking your progress by making note of the independent things you do in a day or a week. “Write about how it makes you feel, what challenges came up, and how common situations played out differently.”

Maintaining Self-Sufficiency

Maintaining self-sufficiency takes effort, adaptability, and a proactive approach to managing your life. Here are some ways you can do it:

  • Be consistent: Maintain the habits and routines that support your self-sufficiency. Think of your self-sufficiency like a muscle—you need to keep using it for it to remain functional, says Innocent.
  • Practice self-reflection: Periodically reflect on your journey towards self-sufficiency. Consider what’s working, what isn’t, and where you can improve.
  • Continuously learn and grow: Self-sufficiency is an evolving process. Keep learning new skills, whether they’re related to home maintenance, finances, or personal development. This approach will help you update your skills and abilities as required.
  • Celebrate your independence: Recognize and celebrate the ways you’ve maintained your self-sufficiency. Whether it’s a financial milestone, a new skill, or simply managing your daily tasks effectively, acknowledging your achievements can boost your morale.
  • Seek balance: Even as you’re being self-sufficient, it’s important to notice when you need support from others, says Innocent. “What we’re doing here is building a self-sufficiency muscle, but it only operates in a healthy, functional way when you have a strong connection/collaboration muscle in your toolkit as well.”

Keep in Mind

Trying to be more self-sufficient can feel daunting, but remember, it’s about progress, not perfection. We all rely on others at times, but building the capacity to handle life’s challenges on our own is empowering. By taking small steps and learning new skills, you can gradually shift your dependence from others to yourself. It’s all about finding that inner strength. You know you’ve got it!

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

  1. Ryszewska-Łabędzka D, Tobis S, Kropińska S, Wieczorowska-Tobis K, Talarska D. The association of self-esteem with the level of independent functioning and the primary demographic factors in persons over 60 years of age. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2022 Feb 10;19(4):1996. doi:10.3390/ijerph19041996

  2. van den Toren SJ, van Grieken A, de Kroon MLA, Mulder WC, Vanneste YTM, Raat H. Young adults’ self-sufficiency in daily life: The relationship with contextual factors and health indicators. BMC Psychol. 2020 Aug 28;8(1):89. doi:10.1186/s40359-020-00434-0

Sanjana Gupta Bio Photo

By Sanjana Gupta

Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.


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Is Your Therapist Talking About You Behind Your Back?

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


It’s natural to wonder about your therapist—the relationship between you and your therapist is inherently lopsided, with them knowing much more about you than you know about them. And it’s also natural to wonder whether your therapist ever talks about you with other people. They are only human, after all! Surely there’s some tea that even a therapist can’t help but spill?

The truth is, your therapist has probably talked about you with someone else at some point. But when is this ok, and when does it cross over into unethical behavior? Let’s find out.

The Anxiety of Therapy

You might be anxious about sharing so much of yourself with someone, especially if you’re new to therapy. It can feel weird to open up so completely to someone you don’t know much about. And knowing that it’s their job to keep your secrets can make you wonder about the toll that could take on a person. We all know that keeping secrets can be hard.

This is why it’s important to understand how a therapist can ethically reduce that toll. You shouldn’t ever feel guilty for confiding in your therapist or anxious about sharing anything with your therapist, because a good therapist has ways of coping with this responsibility while still respecting your confidentiality.

In Professional Situations

There are certain professional situations in which your therapist might find that talking about their clients is not only helpful, but necessary.

Supervision

Many therapists participate in “supervision”—they meet with a more experienced therapist, such as the head of their private practice or the senior clinician at their clinic, to discuss their caseload and any issues that may have arisen with their clients.

Supervision is important for therapists because it gives them the chance to identify and process problems or challenges that they are experiencing in their work with clients—and that might include you. 

This doesn’t necessarily mean that you yourself are a “problem” or a “challenge,” though. Your therapist may just need to brainstorm with another mental health professional to make sure they are giving you the best possible care. Therapists are not omniscient, and in many cases, two heads are better than one.

So, think of it this way: If your therapist is talking about you in supervision, it means they are invested in your therapeutic relationship and want to help you to the best of their ability.

Case Conferences

Some mental healthcare practices or facilities require their clinicians to participate in case conferences—meetings where the team focuses on one or a handful of clients and really delves into things like those clients’ history, their current challenges, their potential diagnoses, and treatment approaches.

It is very possible that identifying information, such as a client’s name, demographics, and details about their mental health, will be shared in a case conference, but the understanding—the rule, actually—is that this information will not leave the room.

Therapists are ethically required to protect the confidentiality of their clients, including the clients of other therapists in the practice, so this kind of identifying information should never be shared outside of the case conference.

Case conferences can be very helpful if a therapist is struggling in their relationship with a client. It can bring to light new ideas and approaches to care that the one therapist may not have reached on their own. It can also introduce other therapists to certain symptoms, issues, or therapeutic situations that they have not encountered in their own practices, which can help prepare them for the future.

Therapy

Therapists should be in therapy themselves. How can you take care of someone else’s mental health if you’re not taking care of your own? This means that your therapist, in their own therapy sessions, might discuss their practice and their clients the same way you, in your therapy sessions, might discuss your own work.

But don’t worry—there is no reason for your therapist to provide their therapist with identifying information about you (you don’t tell your therapist your coworkers’ full names, do you? No, you say “Cathy said something annoying today” and “Roger is a pain in the butt” and “I don’t think I could survive this job without Amanda”).

Your therapist’s therapist probably wouldn’t know you from Adam.

In addition, just like your therapist is required to keep everything you say in your sessions confidential (with very few exceptions), your therapist’s therapist is held to the same rules. 

So, keep in mind that if your therapist talks about you in their own therapy, it’s because they are trying to take care of themselves so that they can provide you, in turn, with their best care.

In Personal Situations

I’m a trained therapist and I, naturally, have friends who are also therapists. Sometimes, we talk in very general terms about our work.

I don’t know the names of any of my friends’ clients, not even their first names. I don’t know what they look like or any information about them that could help me identify them. The only way I would ever encounter them is if I went to my friends’ offices and saw them there, and even then, I would not recognize anyone because the only things I know about them are—again, very generally—some of the things they’ve talked about with my friends during their therapy sessions. 

This might seem disturbing to you, and I understand why. It might seem like an invasion of privacy. But in actuality, it’s no different than talking to your friends about your coworkers.

The only way your friends would ever encounter these people is if they purposefully showed up to your work and actively sought them out. They wouldn’t recognize them on the street, and might not even recognize them at your place of work if you haven’t shared their names, what they look like, or any other identifying characteristics. 

The same is true of your therapist—even if they have talked about you to their friends, they’ve provided no information that would ever make you identifiable to someone who doesn’t know you.

However, if this thought bothers you, talk to your therapist about it. Ultimately, you should be in charge of any information that is shared about you, and a good therapist will respect that.

When Should I Worry?

You might be concerned about stressing out your therapist—and this fear is valid. After all, you are sharing a lot of very personal information with them, often information that you yourself are having trouble dealing with. That is, essentially, the point of therapy. But should you worry about how your therapist will handle the responsibility of your thoughts and feelings?

The short answer is no. This is their job, and, as noted above, there are multiple ways in which your therapist can ethically work through any problems or challenges that have come up in the course of your time with them. It is their responsibility to help you carry the burdens you share with them in therapy and to figure out how best to do so.

Explaining Confidentiality

The situations I’ve outlined in which your therapist might share information about you are all in line with a therapist’s code of ethics.

Your personal information—also called personal health information, or PHI—should never be shared with anyone who is not a part of your care team. This includes your name, your demographics, and details about your mental health and your treatment, including any diagnoses.

A therapist should never disclose this information to anyone outside your working relationship without your written permission.

They should not be sharing anything that could identify you to strangers with their friends or acquaintances. If they do talk about you in a professional setting outside of their practice, such as at a conference, they should protect your identity by not using your full name or your real name, and they should ask for your consent first.

Legally, a therapist is only required to break confidentiality if they are issued a subpoena or a court order, if they think you are a danger to yourself or others, or if they suspect child or elder abuse or neglect. Otherwise, they should not be sharing any of your PHI with anyone.

A good therapist will respect these boundaries. If you find out that your therapist has broken this seal of confidentiality, you should find a new therapist immediately—and you might even consider legal action if this breach has negatively affected you (for instance, if you are fired or can’t find a job because private information about your mental health or disability status has been disclosed). 

Know your rights. The contract you and your therapist enter into when you start working together is one of confidentiality, and you should be able to trust that.

Final Thoughts

Is my therapist talking about me? The plain answer is, usually, yes. But in most cases, this is not a bad thing.

When your therapist talks about you in supervision, case conferences, or their own therapy, that means that they are invested in the care they are providing you. Whether they need a second opinion in order to figure out the best treatment for you or are discussing the feelings that come up in their sessions with you that might affect the way they interact with you, confiding in others—while still protecting your confidentiality—usually helps rather than hurts. 

It’s only when a therapist is sharing identifying information—including your personal health information—without your consent that you should worry. If this happens, at the very least, you should fire your therapist immediately and look for someone new.


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