Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Mark your calendars because this August 2-3, the Utah Area is gearing up for an unforgettable event at the Utah Area YSA Conference. Last year, the speed dating event at the Utah Area YSA Conference saw an incredible turnout, with over 4,700 participants throughout the conference, and this year, they’re aiming even higher. The goal now isn’t just to surpass last year’s numbers; but to officially break the Guinness World Record title for the Largest Speed Dating Event ever held! It’s a monumental goal that won’t happen without your enthusiastic participation.

Imagine being part of history while potentially finding your perfect match. Last year’s event was packed to the brim, with eager singles like Emma and Caysen who found love in an unexpected way. Originally intending to join the speed dating event inside, they ended up meeting in the hallway amidst the excitement and buzz of the crowded venue. Their chance encounter led to a beautiful relationship, culminating in their marriage just last month. Their story is just one of many heartwarming successes that have blossomed from this event.

Beyond the thrill of attempting a world record, the Utah Area YSA Conference promises an array of activities to keep you engaged and entertained. From educational classes and service projects to lively dances, uplifting devotionals, and captivating performances, there’s something for everyone. Whether you’re coming for the record-breaking attempt or simply to enjoy the vibrant atmosphere, this event is your opportunity to make memories and potentially meet someone special.

Mutual is thrilled to be part of this historic event! Be sure to visit the Mutual Mix’n Mingle in the Hangout Zone. Enjoy free professional photos, get expert advice on improving your profile, meet matches, and enjoy the atmosphere! Additionally, we are giving everyone at the conference a FREE week of premium, so you can try out our latest speed-dating feature and meet others at the conference in record time!

Ready to be part of something extraordinary? Register now at utahysaconference.org/register to secure your spot in this epic speed dating event. Don’t miss out on the chance to make history, forge new connections, and perhaps find that elusive soul mate. Join us at the Utah Area YSA Conference and let’s create unforgettable moments together!

Mutual Team

Our team of love experts at Mutual works hard to make sure you have the most helpful dating advice out there. Whether you’re still searching for your person or working to move your relationship from the chat bubble to in-person, we’ve got your back every step of the way.

My wife and I have been married since August of 2019. I’ll spare you my ramblings on about every up and down, every joyous moment, and every chaotic discovery about our relationship, but I will share one thing. Whether times are tough or blissful, we have a saying for each other that we often use: I love you, I hate this. 

Which means, “I’m not angry with you, I’m not upset with you, I love you, but whatever we’re experiencing right now we need to work together to change.” It can be applied when one or both of us is overstimulated—yay for disabilities and access friction—or when something really tough to navigate has happened in our lives, like unexpected grief. To quote one of my favorite art prints from Radical Emprints, “grief is a wild sea. your love is ballast.” Whatever the reason for one of us to say it, it is a grounding point in our relationship, a reminder that—no matter what might be happening—we still care for each other.

But what are some other relationship-focused sayings that can help you out in a jam? In this article, we’ll look at what relationship experts say about the usefulness of these little phrases, how you can apply them, and what they mean in each professional’s personal lives.

Are Small Affirmations Useful?

Before we can dive into some short and pithy relationship advice, we should investigate whether short affirmations are even useful. They’re well understood in mindfulness and bodywork practices, but what about how it pertains to moving through life with your partner?

Stephanie Manes, LCSW, JD, a couples therapist in private practice and an adjunct professor at Columbia University, says that we have to be careful not to oversimplify or over-optimize when we look for these phrases.

“I think that we live in a world that really loves to simplify and oversimplify. The truth is, romantic relationships, any relationships, are incredibly complex…We have to ask ourselves, why do we want to make it so simple? So that we can master something so that we can know what the outcome is going to be? So that we feel like we know everything? Unfortunately, that’s just not true.” 

At the same time,  Katilin Soule, LMFT, founder of Bay Area Modern Therapy, says these short phrases can be helpful reminders when used effectively and appropriately.

“What’s helpful about mantras like these is they’re just little reminders that you don’t have to actually dive deep into everything. In moments when you’re feeling really self-righteous or defensive, they can help pull you back to see the bigger picture of what’s best for you and your relationship.”

So, in the interest of brevity and levity, here are some tips.

Communicate, Connect, Do it Consistently

At first glance, Julie and David Bulitt appear to have jobs that are on the opposite sides of a spectrum. Julie, LCSW, is a family therapist. David, JD,  her husband of almost forty years, is a divorce lawyer. Together, they’ve written multiple books, have created a podcast, and provide coaching. 

David says that the three C’s, as the couple have taken to calling them, are consistently in play in their relationship.

“The timing of your question is serendipitous because we found ourselves in a bit of a struggle over the last several days. Primarily, with regard to our business and what we should be doing and what we shouldn’t be doing. The communication got difficult between us, so we both took a step back yesterday and sort of went separate ways for a while. So the three Cs aren’t foolproof but they help a lot.”

For the couple, one of the strategies they use to connect consistently is to set time blocks, called no-tech 90, where they have an hour and a half without technology interrupting their ability to be present with each other. 

As for how this connects with administering the legal realities of divorce, David says that a lack of communication, rather than some earth-shattering event, is often the foundation of why people choose to separate. 

“What I have found is that, really, what causes folks to break up is this sort of malaise that creeps into their relationship…people go about their lives, managing their lives and managing their families without staying connected. And what happens is [in] five years, or 10 years, or however many years it is, they look across the table and there’s this aha moment that happens, which is, ‘I don’t really know this person anymore.”

Stop Litigating and Start Communicating

From a lawyer and a therapist to a lawyer who is also a therapist,  Stephanie Manes’ advice, as someone who is still good friends with her ex-husband, is to stop trying to figure out who is right. 

“Give up trying to win, ‘whose version is the truth?’ There is no truth, there’s just two stories…Shift away from trying to argue your reality. Because the point is, you’re trying to understand what this other person’s reality is so that you can understand each other. That, ultimately, is the only way to  work out the kinks.”

Manes says that one of the challenges of working out those kinks in a relationship is that our society continues to make it hard to discuss and bump into difficult things. There is an impulse, she says, to avoid discussing difficult topics at all costs, something she contrasts with different cultural traditions. 

“I had a Buddhist teacher, he was also a psychologist, tell me once from the perspective of, his spiritual practices that ‘relationships are there so that we can actually rub up against each other. And in doing that, we learn about ourselves.’ And I think that’s just such a beautiful image…If it’s all just smooth surfaces. How do we grow?”

It’s Okay to Go to Bed Angry

We’ve heard a lot so far about talking, discussions, lengthy conversations, but what about when you just don’t want to talk about whatever is bugging you? What if you are incandescent with rage and, to use both a very popular metaphor and my favorite mixed idiom, you’re actually really itching to make a mountain out of a molehill and burn that bridge down when you come to it?

Soule, who had a range of phrases come to mind, says that doing away with the old standby advice that you shouldn’t go to bed angry can be liberating. 

“It’s okay that we are human. We need to take some space sometimes to process things and feel things before we find the words to communicate effectively. And I see this in my own life, but also in my clients’ lives, where they try to immediately solve a problem and they say words that are either hurtful or over-dramatized and they unintentionally escalate the situation.”

Soule is quick to point out, however, that just because it may be fruitful and healthy for you and your significant other(s) to choose to sleep on something you’ve argued about, doesn’t mean you should completely let go of the underlying need for a conversation about the issue.

“I do think you need to acknowledge it, though. It doesn’t mean walking away pretending the argument didn’t happen. I think it’s [saying], ‘Hey, I don’t have capacity for this conversation right now. I’m really tired. Can we revisit this tomorrow?”

You Need to Talk About It

Adam Blum, LMFT, the founder and director of the Gay Therapy Center, says that couples who are able to process their feelings, emotions, and needs by communicating with each other are, fundamentally, setting themselves up for success. 

“Think how great your marriage could be, if you realized, we can talk about anything and at the end of that conversation, feel closer than you did at the beginning. That’s a teachable skill. It’s a great skill to have. And I think one that contributes to a long-lasting, sound, good marriage.”

Blum, whose husband of 33 years died two and a half years ago and who is now in a subsequent relationship, says that just because talking about your concerns is important, doesn’t mean it’s simple.

“I know if there’s something that I’m troubled by, with my partner it’s going to eat at me until I bring it up. I’m not saying it’s easy to bring up, every time I bring it up there’s a bit of a gulp inside, a little bit of butterflies. But I have faced now that I can do it.”

Blum says that timing and approach are key when it comes to effectively using his five-word mantra within his relationship and not approaching a conversation with blame in mind. 

“If you say, ‘I felt really dropped, because I asked you three times to bring home the milk and you forgot, I felt really just dropped like you didn’t care about me. ‘That gets someone’s attention, then it isn’t about ‘You’re an idiot for forgetting things.’ It’s like, oh, this person thinks I don’t care about them or think about them.” 

Being able to verbalize or express that you’re feeling hurt and that this doesn’t mean you inherently are falling out of love, Blum says, is a vital part of these discussions and providing comfort even in the face of challenging subject matter.

“[It’s] a place we all go in all relationships, even though cognitively up here [in the brain], we get it. They love us. They’re committed. But we need to feel that and sometimes we get insecure about that. And that’s what can come out in these conflicts.” 

Keep in Mind

Relationship advice comes in many shapes and sizes. It can be useful, hopeless, or somewhere in-between; and it can come in many forms: books, podcasts, chatty online web articles. However, regardless of which form is most accessible to you, small sayings or mantras—like the ones shared in this article—can help you support you and your partner.

Cheesy pick up lines are a silly art form, and they’re fun!

If you’re looking for a goofy icebreaker, cheesy pick up lines might just help you meet someone special. Or at least start a conversation and get a good laugh. 🙂

Even though it might not always feel like it, I assure you, there are great men everywhere – at the grocery store, at Starbucks, at happy hour, and even out walking their dogs.

I know this for sure because I met my husband at a restaurant, and two of my exes at a bookstore and the market. And many of my clients have found love IRL (in real life), not only online or through me (a matchmaker).

A big smile and eye contact can go a long way, but despite your best efforts to look approachable, some men might not catch on or realize you’re single and interested.

Or they might not have the courage to come over and say “hi”.

Sometimes men need a little extra encouragement, and that’s where a cute pick up line can really help.

Whether you’re outgoing or a bit reserved, having a cheesy pick up line at the ready might boost your chances of connecting with someone special.

The Power of Humor

When it comes to breaking the ice and putting a smile on someone’s face, humor is a great tool. Laughter can be your secret weapon when making a great first impression.

Cheesy pick-up lines, delivered with confidence and a smile, might even make men laugh out loud.

Because cute pick up lines are… well, they’re CUTE!

Taking the Leap:

Imagine you’re at a café, and you spot someone intriguing. Will you be daring and say “hi”?

Or will you kick yourself later?

Go for it!

Instead of missing an opportunity to meet someone you’ve got your eye on, be playful and brave and go say “hello”!

You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain, so why not be brave and try a cheesy pick up line?

Your courage will be rewarded, and it might just make you irresistible to men!

So to help you seize the moment, I’ve put together some light-hearted pickup lines that will help you make a memorable (and fun) first impression whether you’re at a packed party, a small social gathering, or just starting a conversation with a charming guy at Starbucks.

Now, let’s dive into the fun!

18 cheesy pick up lines that can’t help but make men smile.

1. “Are you a garden? Because I’m digging you.”
2. “Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes”
3. “Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!”
4. Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got “FINE” written all over you.
5. “Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I’m feeling a connection!”
6. Are you a camera? Every time I look at you, I smile.
7. “Is your dad a baker? Because you’re a cutie pie!”
8. Are you a magnet? Because you’re attracting my attention.
9. “Are you a time traveler? Because I can see you in my future.”
10. “Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.”
11. “Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just fell for you.”
12. “Can you help me settle a bet? My friends say that meeting someone as incredible as you is impossible. Prove them wrong?”
13. “Are you a campfire? Because you’re hot, and I want s’more!”
14. “Are you a time traveler? Because I can see you in my future.”
15. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put “U” and “I” together.
16. “I must be a snowflake because I’ve fallen for you!”
17. “Is your name Netflix? Because I could binge-watch you all night.”
18. “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?”

I know, totally goofy, right?

If these cheesy pick up lines are a bit too corny for you, don’t worry!

Just walk up to him, and say, “Hi, my name is (insert your name here)” and smile. That will work too.

The most important thing is to be yourself and have fun!

Don’t hesitate. Be brave, and strike up conversations. Take chances, and enjoy meeting new people.

Love is a beautiful adventure, and sometimes, all it takes is a little courage to start a journey filled with exciting possibilities.

So, embrace one of these seriously cute pick-up lines, make up one of your own, or just say “hello”! It’s all good!

Keep it light and fun and GO FOR IT.

The next person you approach might just be YOUR person! Happy flirting, and here’s to meeting “The One“!

Red Flags in a Relationship – 15 Things You Should Never Ignore.

We’ve all been there – you meet a guy, and things seem to be going great, but then you start noticing some concerning behavior. It’s so important to be aware of red flags in a relationship.

As a dating coach who’s worked with hundreds of women since 2009, I’ve seen my fair share of red flags in relationships. Trust me, you don’t want to ignore these warning signs and end up in a toxic relationship!

Dating Advice That’ll Help

I’ve put together a list of 15 relationship red flags to watch out for, so you can protect your heart and find the loving, healthy relationship you deserve.

15 Red Flags in Relationships

1. He’s Hot and Cold
   One minute he’s all over you, and the next, he’s distant and aloof. If a guy is inconsistent with his attention and affection, it’s a major red flag in a relationship. You deserve someone who’s steady, reliable and into you, not someone who leaves you questioning where you stand.
2. He’s Jealous and Possessive
   If the man you’re dating is constantly accusing you of flirting or cheating, it’s a huge red flag. Possessiveness is not a sign of love – it’s a sign of insecurity and a lack of trust. You should be free to live your life without feeling smothered or controlled.
3. He Disrespects You
   If the man you’re dating belittles you, dismisses your opinions, or talks down to you, it’s a glaring red flag in a relationship. A partner who truly cares about you will respect you and value your thoughts and feelings. Don’t tolerate disrespect – you deserve so much better!
4. He’s Secretive About His Life
   If your man is cagey about his past, his family, or his daily activities, it’s a definite cause for concern. Secrecy is a red flag in a relationship because it breeds mistrust. If he’s got nothing to hide, he should be an open book.
5. He’s Not There for You
   When you’re going through a tough time, does your guy step up to support you, or does he disappear? If he’s not there for you during the tough times, it’s a major red flag. A true partner will be by your side through thick and thin.
6. He’s Got a Temper
   Does your man have a short fuse? Does he lash out at you or others over minor things? Anger issues are a huge red flag in a relationship. You should feel safe and secure with your partner, not walking on eggshells, afraid of setting him off.
7. He’s Not Over His Ex
   If the guy you’re dating brings up his ex often or compares you to her, it’s a red flag that he’s not over his past relationship. You deserve someone who’s fully present and invested in your relationship, not someone who’s still hung up on his ex.
8. He’s Selfish in Bed
   Is your man only concerned with his own pleasure in the bedroom? Does he ignore your needs and desires? Selfishness in bed is a red flag that can extend to other areas of your relationship. A giving, attentive partner will prioritize your satisfaction too.
9. He’s Financially Irresponsible
   Is your guy drowning in debt or constantly blowing his money on frivolous things? Financial irresponsibility is a red flag in a relationship. You want a partner who’s stable and reliable, not someone who’s going to jeopardize your financial security and lose your respect with their poor money management.
10. He’s Got a Wandering Eye
    Does the man you’re dating openly ogle other women or flirt with them in front of you? A wandering eye is a red flag that he’s not fully committed to you and your relationship. You deserve a guy who only has eyes for you.
11. He’s Got a Substance Abuse Problem
    Is your guy frequently drunk or high? Does his substance use impact his behavior or your relationship? Substance abuse is a serious red flag that can lead to a host of problems down the line. Don’t ignore this issue – insist that he gets help, and if he doesn’t right away, move on.
12. He Pressures You
    Does your man pressure you to do things you’re not comfortable with, whether it’s in the bedroom or in your everyday life? Pressure is a major red flag in a relationship. Your partner should respect your boundaries and never force you into situations that make you uneasy.
13. You Have to Walk on Eggshells
    Do you find yourself constantly censoring what you say around your guy, afraid of setting him off or being misunderstood? If you can’t be your authentic self around your partner, it’s a huge red flag in a relationship. You should feel free to express yourself without fear of judgment or retaliation.
14. He’s Destructive to Your Relationships
    Does your man try to isolate you from your friends and family? Does he badmouth the people you care about or cause drama in your social circle? If your partner is destructive to your other relationships, it’s a major red flag. A loving partner will encourage you to maintain healthy connections with the people who matter to you.
15. He Doesn’t Follow Through
    Does your guy make promises he doesn’t keep? Does he talk a big game but fail to back it up with action? A lack of follow-through is a red flag in a relationship. You need a partner who’s reliable and true to his word, not someone who leaves you hanging.

I hope you find this list of 15 red flags in a relationship extremely helpful.

If There Are Red Flags In Your Relationship – Advocate For Yourself

Remember, you deserve a relationship that makes you feel happy, secure, and loved.

Don’t settle for a guy who exhibits these concerning behaviors. If you notice these relationship red flags, trust your gut, advocate for yourself, and move on if he won’t (or can’t) change.

Have an honest conversation with your partner, and if things don’t improve, don’t be afraid to walk away.

Your heart is precious, and it deserves to be cherished by someone who treats you with the love and respect you deserve!

Gaslighting examples – Is this happening to you?

Are you constantly second-guessing yourself in relationships? Do you feel like you can’t trust your own perception of reality? If so, you might be experiencing gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that can leave you feeling confused, anxious, and powerless.

As someone who’s experienced gaslighting firsthand, I know how devastating it can be. That’s why I want to share some common gaslighting examples to help you recognize this toxic behavior and take steps to protect yourself.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic where the abuser attempts to sow seeds of doubt in the victim’s mind, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.

The term comes from the 1938 play “Gas Light,” in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s going insane.

Gaslighting examples in relationships

Gaslighting can take many forms, but here are some common examples:

1. Denying events: A classic gaslighting example is when your partner denies that something happened, even though you clearly remember it. They might say things like, “That never happened,” or “You’re imagining things.”
2. Trivializing your feelings: In this example of gaslighting, when you express your emotions, your partner dismisses them as unimportant or irrational. This often involves them saying things like, “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re being too sensitive.”
3. Shifting blame: Another common gaslighting example is when your partner refuses to take responsibility for their actions and blames you instead. They might say, “It’s your fault I got angry,” or “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have had to do Y.”
4. Invalidating your perceptions: In this gaslighting example, your partner tells you that your thoughts, feelings, or experiences are invalid or wrong. They might say things like, “You’re just being paranoid,” or “That never happened; you’re making things up.”
5. Rewriting history: A gaslighting example that can be particularly confusing is when your partner twists past events to fit their narrative, making you question your own recollection. They might say, “You’re remembering it wrong,” or “I never said that.”
6. Projecting their behavior onto you: In this example of gaslighting, your partner accuses you of doing the very things they’re guilty of. They might accuse you of being unfaithful when they’re the one who’s cheating.
7. Denying their own behavior: Another example is when your partner engages in hurtful behavior, such as withholding affection or giving you the silent treatment, but when confronted, they deny doing so. In this gaslighting example, they might say, “I’m not ignoring you; you’re just being needy,” or “I haven’t been distant; you’re imagining things.”
8. Gaslighting in public: A particularly insidious gaslighting example is when your partner humiliates or belittles you in front of others, then tells you that you’re being too sensitive or that you misunderstood their “joke.” This can be especially damaging to your self-esteem.
9. Telling blatant lies: In this gaslighting example, your partner tells obvious lies with a straight face, even when confronted with evidence to the contrary. This might involve them saying, “I never said that,” even when you have proof that they did.
10. Using your words against you: In this gaslighting example, your partner twists your words or accuses you of saying things you never said. They might say, “You always say hurtful things like X,” when you never actually said X, making you question your own memory and perception of the conversation.

These ten examples of gaslighting illustrate the various ways an abusive partner can manipulate and control you. It’s important to note gaslighting is often a pattern of behavior, not just a single incident.

Over time, these manipulative tactics can erode your self-esteem and make you question your sanity. It’s a horrible feeling to doubt yourself and think you’re losing your mind!

What to do if you’re being gaslighted

If you recognize these gaslighting red flags in your relationship, know it’s not your fault. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, and it’s never acceptable.

The first step is to trust your gut. If something feels off, don’t dismiss your feelings. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide a reality check and support.

It’s also important to set boundaries and them communicate clearly. Let them know their behavior is not okay and you won’t tolerate being manipulated or dismissed. Tell them in no uncertain terms that if the behavior doesn’t stop, you will not date them anymore.

If the gaslighting continues, the best course of action may be to leave the relationship. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect, love, kindness, and honesty. Manipulation and abuse are absolutely unacceptable.

Final thoughts about gaslighting…

Gaslighting can be a hellish experience, but by learning to recognize the relationship red flags above, you can take steps to protect yourself and reclaim your confidence and sense of reality.

Remember, you are not crazy, and you are not alone. With support and self-care, you can heal from the trauma of gaslighting and move forward into healthier, happier relationships.