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Inner child work is the process of connecting with and healing the younger part of your psyche that still influences how you think, feel, and react as an adult. Often used in psychotherapy and spiritual settings, inner child work helps people uncover and process unresolved childhood hardships, trauma, and even triumphs that continue to shape their present lives.

When we ignore our inner child and the ways our past shapes our present, we do ourselves a major disservice. We can overlook formative experiences that can help us understand our triggers and heal some of our maladaptive coping mechanisms.

Why Inner Child Work Matters

The renowned psychologist Carl Jung first introduced the concept of the inner child. Our inner child can drive many of our emotions in our daily lives, especially when we are unaware of it.

When you lose conscious awareness of your inner child, you lose conscious awareness of a part of yourself. In turn, you may experience difficulty regulating your emotions and act from a regressed state when upset.

For example:

• You could find yourself having an angry outburst akin to a temper tantrum.
• You might feel shameful and lonely, just as you did as a child.
• You may notice that when stressed, you switch moods swiftly, similar to how a child may navigate an unsettling situation.

Our inner child can be behind many of our emotions, and it can bring about great healing when properly nurtured. 

What Is an Inner Child Wound?

An inner child wound refers to an adverse childhood experience, which is a damaging experience a person lived through as a child.

In turn, this experience can result in unresolved trauma that manifests within adults. When you find yourself acting out of character or having uncontrollable emotions, you could be behaving from that younger part of yourself that was wounded. 

What Triggers Your Inner Child?

When the inner child is triggered, you will notice the aforementioned behavior that doesn’t feel like it is in line with your true character.

For example, being late to work could lead one to feel unreasonably concerned that they will be publicly shamed, chastised, or fired, despite having perfect attendance and flawless reviews. Yet, this person could have experienced an unstable home environment where they were continually shamed, yelled at, or even physically abused for the smallest mistake.

But it’s important to remember that the inner child isn’t a mere source of discontent. The inner child can present as free-spirited, excited, and light. Think back to a moment you felt genuinely excited and giddy. It could have been when doing something you enjoyed or when receiving excellent news. This is an example of a positive inner child trigger. Even if you’ve never had this experience, there are ways to access it by tapping into your inner child.

How to Connect With Your Inner Child

Inner child work can be emotionally arduous—especially if you have a trauma history. With that in mind, you’ll want to refrain from revisiting any traumatic events from your childhood by yourself. Having a psychotherapist by your side as you dive into painful memories can help avoid retraumatization and ensure your hard work is fruitful. 

What Healing Your Inner Child Looks Like

If you notice that your inner child feels triggered often, it may be time to consider some healing work. First, psychotherapy is a fantastic option. Some forms of talk therapy incorporate inner child work.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a form of therapy that focuses on the different parts of a human being. Each part has a role that it strives to play, even if it results in lackluster coping mechanisms.

Does this sound familiar? It should; everyone has a younger part working to protect the individual. However, in the same way a five-year-old isn’t going to be the most skilled in navigating safety concerns and troubleshooting major conflicts, the younger part of a person isn’t the best candidate to make decisions. Thus, IFS focuses on bringing all parts of a person’s psyche into harmony. 

Psychodynamic Therapy

Another modality of therapy that may be particularly helpful in healing your inner child is psychodynamic therapy. This form of therapy postulates our past shapes our present and focuses on helping you heal from past trauma.

Let’s say you find your inner child triggered by your therapist. A skilled and compassionate psychodynamic therapist will work with you to sort through what the therapeutic relationship might represent for you, drawing upon family dynamics and relational wounds. These parallels will be used as fodder for understanding your psyche further and deepening your healing journey. 

Why Reparenting Yourself Can Help

A clinician can help you learn how to reparent your inner child. However, there are steps you can take on your own. The goal of reparenting is to care for, give, and allow yourself to receive the validation, love, and nurturing that you may not have received in the way that you needed it as a child. Here are some ways to get started:

• Begin a dialogue with your inner child (you can choose any age – 5, 8, 10, 12, etc.), ask them how they are doing and if there is anything they would like to share with you, and engage in a mindful and intentional dialogue with them. Listen to what they may have to say to you in response.
• Write a letter to your inner child and allow them the opportunity to respond by writing back to you.
• Say nurturing things to your inner child (I love you, I appreciate you, I value you, I’m proud of you, I hear you, thank you, I’m sorry).
• Look at photos of yourself as a child and tell them everything they needed to hear then; allow them (and you) to receive it now.
• Think and write about what you loved doing when you were young, and make and protect time to do those things now.
• Engage in meditation and creative visualization with your inner child.

Where to Get Help

If therapy feels like a cost-prohibitive venture, don’t let that stop you from getting the healing you deserve. Open Path Collective is a directory with a wide variety of clinicians who have diverse identities and sessions range from $40 to $80.

If you’re someone with a marginalized identity seeking support, check out Inclusive Therapists to find a provider who can truly understand you. Finding peace is possible and you don’t have to go it alone.

The Holmes and Rahe stress scale lists 43 stressful life events that can contribute to illness. Health care professionals use it to help identify whether a person is experiencing a high amount of stress. This can help determine whether someone is at risk for developing an illness or if they may benefit from stress-reduction interventions.

Since its inception, the Holmes and Rahe stress scale has been widely used by healthcare professionals. It is one of the most well-known and researched tools for measuring stress.

Why the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale Is So Useful

The Holmes and Rahe stress scale is a widely used tool that can help identify people at an increased risk for developing an illness. It can also help design interventions to reduce stress levels. While the scale is not perfect, it can be useful for both health care professionals and individuals.

Ways it can help include:

• The scale can help healthcare professionals identify people at an increased risk for developing an illness.
• The scale may aid in identifying individuals at risk for suicide attempts.
• The scale can raise awareness about the importance of reducing stress.

Stressful Life Events on the Holmes and Rahe Scale

There are 43 items on the Holmes and Rahe stress scale. Each item is assigned a certain number of points, based on its perceived stressfulness. The total number of points a person scores can give an indication of their overall stress level. Some of the items on the scale include the following:

What Your Score on the Stress Scale Means

Overall, total scores can range from 0 to 430 points.

• A score of 300 or more on the Holmes and Rahe stress scale indicates high stress. This means that the person is at an increased risk of developing an illness.
• A score between 150 and 299 points indicates a moderate amount of stress.
• A score below 150 indicates a low amount of stress.

How to Take the Test

The Holmes and Rahe stress scale can be self-administered or it can be administered by a healthcare professional.

• If you are administering the scale yourself, you will need to recall the stressful events that have occurred in your life over the past year. For each event, you will need to note the date it occurred and find the number of points it is worth. Once you have all of this information, you can add up your total score to get an idea of your overall stress level.
• If a healthcare professional is administering the scale, they will likely ask you about stressful events that have occurred in your life over the past year. They will then record your answers and calculate your total score.

What Your Results Say About Your Stress Levels

If you have a high stress score on the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, it does not necessarily mean that you will develop an illness. However, it does indicate that you are at an increased risk. If you are experiencing a high amount of stress, it is important to take steps to reduce your stress level. This may include:

The Holmes and Rahe stress scale can be helpful for individuals and health care professionals. However, it is important to keep in mind that the scale has limitations. If you are using the scale, be sure to take into account all of the potential pitfalls.

How to Use This Tool to Understand and Manage Stress

If you are using the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, there are a few things to keep in mind:

• The scale should be used in conjunction with other information, such as a person’s medical history, to make a more accurate assessment.
• The scale should be used as a tool to help identify people who are at an increased risk for developing an illness. It should not be used to make a diagnosis.
• The scale can be used to help design interventions to reduce stress levels. However, it is important to remember that these interventions should be tailored to the individual.

Where the Scale Falls Short

Despite the potential benefits of the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, there are also some potential pitfalls to using the scale. These include:

The scale does not:

• Take into account all possible stressors
• Take into account how a person copes with stress
• Always accurately predict who will develop an illness

Friendship breakups are extremely common. Research shows that up to 70% of close friendships dissolve after seven years, and a 2023 YouGov poll found that over two-thirds of Americans have ended a friendship in their lifetime.

Even though breaking up with a friend is not a rare experience, that doesn’t mean losing a close friend doesn’t significantly affect one’s emotional health or even brain health. 

Jump to Key Takeaways.

What Happens in the Brain When You Lose a Close Friend?

1. Your Mind Feels Threatened

A friendship loss can cause the activation of the amygdala (an area of the brain primarily associated with emotional responses), neurologist and author of “Before and After Loss: A Neurologist’s Perspective on Loss, Grief, and Our Brain” Lisa Shulman, MD explains.

“The amygdala surveys the environment for threat. When emotional trauma reaches a threshold, the amygdala ‘sounds the alarm,’ triggering a cascade of neurotransmitters and hormones to prepare the body to defend itself.”

2. Your Hormones May Become Dysregulated

According to board-certified psychiatrist Sharon Batista, MD, some of the neurotransmitters that may be triggered include serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine—all responsible for mood regulation and emotional processing.

Batista says the dysregulation of serotonin, linked to feelings of well-being and happiness, can lead to mood disturbances, while the reduction of dopamine, associated with reward and pleasure, can lead to feelings of anhedonia or the loss of pleasure. Additionally, norepinephrine, involved in the body’s stress response, may be elevated, contributing to a surge of anxiety during the grieving process. 

3. Your Memory and Emotions Sync Up (and Can Work Against You)

Over time, the “emotional” brain can become sensitized and strengthened by environmental triggers, such as reminders of the loss, to the detriment of the “thinking” brain or cerebral cortex, says Dr. Shulman. “In this way, the emotional components of memory can overwhelm the cognitive components, resulting in increased anxiety, depression, and sleep disturbance.”

The Psychological Effects of Losing a Close Friend

1. Ambiguous Grief

Similar to the loss of a romantic partner, losing a close friend can trigger feelings of grief, says clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD. Stevie Blum, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in New York, agrees, adding, “Losing a close friend can feel a lot like grieving a death.” It often creates ambiguous grief, she says, “which is the pain of mourning the loss of someone who is still alive but no longer in your life in the way that you are used to.”

Ambiguous grief is especially challenging for the mind to grapple with as there’s often a lack of closure and thus confusion as to why the relationship ended, Blum adds.

2. Feelings of Rejection

As friendships often fulfill crucial needs for belonging and attachment, this loss can lead to feelings of rejection, self-doubt, and loneliness, says Dr. Romanoff. In addition to sadness, anger, and even symptoms of depression and anxiety, Dr. Batista adds. Over time, this can result in low self-esteem and issues with social identity.

3. Fear Response

“Depending on the nature of the breakup, it could create a fear response in which individuals are afraid to sabotage other relationships or open up to possible future hurt or disappointment,” says Blum. As a result, those experiencing a friendship loss may self-isolate as a self-protective mechanism to reduce vulnerability and avoid emotional overload, says Dr. Romanoff. 

Coping Strategies for Healing from a Friendship Loss

Experts recommend these strategies to heal from a friendship breakup:

1. Let Yourself Grieve

Just like you may mourn the end of a romantic relationship, the end of a close friendship deserves equal, if not more, acknowledgement. 

“Treat the loss like any significant emotional event,” advises Romanoff. “Allow yourself to grieve the shared memories, connection, and role this person played in your life.”

2. Avoid Blame

After a breakup, it’s easy to fall into a negative cycle of blame toward the other person and even yourself. But rather than focusing your attention on assigning blame, “acknowledge that the way the two of you interact with one another no longer works and the relationship has run its course,” says Blum. 

Friendship changes are a natural part of life, and so it’s best to focus on acceptance—even though it might be difficult at first. Blum recommends avoiding revisionist history, too, as just because a relationship ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t valuable. “You can connect with the positive memories while acknowledging the reasons why it ended at the same time,” she says. 

3. Get Curious

After the initial grieving process of a breakup, it can be beneficial to get curious about why the relationship ended from a non-judgmental place, affirms Blum. “Use the lens of relational patterns to identify what worked and what didn’t,” says Romanoff.

You might consider jotting down a list of the good, the bad, and where there’s room for improvement. “Understanding these dynamics can help you grow and set healthier boundaries in future friendships.”

4. Set Intentional Goals for New Friendships

After reflecting on what might have caused your friendship to end, take some time to clarify what you value in a friendship, says Romanoff. Take stock of your non-negotiables and expectations from a meaningful friendship and let these goals guide you toward forming more fulfilling relationships moving forward.

5. Rebuild Your Support System

“Don’t let the loss of one friendship prevent you from appreciating the other friendships you do have that are evolving with you,” advises Blum. To reduce feelings of loneliness and get support, focus on building new social connections as well as strengthening existing ones, says Dr. Batista.

In addition to reinforcing your sense of belonging, according to attachment theory, forming new bonds can help re-establish emotional security, says Romanoff. 

Key Takeaways