Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

When it comes to relationships, most people know to watch for red flags, which are clear signs that something isn’t right. But what about yellow flags? A yellow flag is a subtle sign indicating that a problem might crop up later on down the road.

“While [yellow flags] might not be deal breakers or major issues, they are generally warning signs that the behavior, tendency, pattern, or trait could turn into a larger issue, hint at something bigger, or at the very least be worth having a discussion about and exploring further,” explains Jillian Amodio. LMSW, founder of Moms for Mental Health.

Although yellow flags in your relationship may not be a problem to someone else, there are some general warning signs that you may want to look out for.

1. They Want to Spend All Their Time With You

Right from day one of the relationship, they want to be with you *all* the time. While this can seem endearing, it can also be concerning.

“If someone becomes too dependent on their partner, it can be a yellow flag, signaling an unhealthy dynamic that may lead to excessive pressure or an imbalance in the relationship,” says Laura Wasser, family law expert and chief of divorce evolution at Divorce.com.

2. They Have No Hobbies or Interests

Outside interests help to make a person more well-rounded. If your partner has no other things they enjoy outside of the relationship, you may want to look at whether they’re withdrawn, isolated, or dealing with depression or anxiety.

3. They Have No Other Friends

Some people naturally like to be alone. It’s also increasingly common for people to have few (or even no) friends. However, not having other friendships can raise concerns about your partner’s ability to nurture healthy relationships. 

4. They Are Unwilling to Compromise

If you are the one in the relationship who always relents to keep the peace, that is an issue. “If one partner is unwilling to compromise or meet the other halfway on important issues, it can be a yellow flag. A healthy relationship requires both partners to be willing to listen and work together to find solutions that work for both,” says Pia Johnson, LMSW.

5. They Carry a Lot of Debt

Having debt is very common. Not all debt is bad. But you should look at how your significant other acquired their debt. Do they have bad spending habits? Also, is there a plan to address the debt? What is their attitude towards money?

6. They Don’t Respect Your Boundaries

If your significant other is often late and keeps you waiting or has no respect for the personal rules you’ve put in place, it can show a lack of care and concern for your feelings.

7. They Have a History of Failed Relationships

“Sometimes people are just unlucky in love, and sometimes there is a pattern that can be clearly identified in understanding why so many relationships begin to come apart at the seams,” Amodio notes. “Is there a pattern that points to concerning behaviors such as rushing to commit, not being able to commit, controlling behaviors, lying or manipulation, cheating, substance abuse, etc.?”

8. They Hide Information From You

“If your partner is consistently hiding things or avoiding sharing details about their life, it could be a yellow flag, indicating trust or communication issues that need to be addressed,” Wasser notes.

9. They’re Not Close (or *Too* Close) to Their Parents or Family

If you value family, you might want to seek a partner who is also family-oriented. Not being close to family can sometimes be a yellow flag because you may not know why they aren’t close to their family members. There may be a legitimate reason as to why they’re estranged.

It can also be a concern if your partner lacks healthy boundaries (or is enmeshed) with their family. You may worry that they will not make enough time for you or that they will allow them to get involved in your relationship.

In both situations, it is important to dig deeper and ask your partner for clarity. You can share your concerns or fears and suggest ways to compromise.

Yellow Flags vs. Red Flags

While a yellow flag says proceed with caution, a red flag is a full-stop issue.

“A red flag is a more serious warning sign that indicates significant issues or behaviors that are damaging to the relationship and may be deal-breakers. Red flags often require immediate action or intervention to address,” says Johnson.

“Examples of red flags may include emotional or physical abuse, constant dishonesty or lying, lack of respect or contempt for one’s partner, unwillingness to compromise, or consistent cheating or infidelity.”

“It’s possible for a yellow flag to escalate into a red flag over time if it’s not addressed properly. When concerns are ignored or left unresolved, they can fester and become more significant problems that jeopardize the relationship,” states Wasser.

Yellow Flags vs. Orange Flags

While a yellow flag issue can warrant observation, orange flags elevate the gravity of the issue.

“The difference between a yellow flag and an orange flag in a relationship is the level of seriousness or urgency,” says Johnson.

Both levels of issues are important. However, an orange flag moves it from observation to being more harmful to the relationship.

How to Determine Your Yellow Flags

Yellow flag issues differ from person to person. So, how do you figure out which issues will upset you?

Consider Your Own Values and Priorities

If you want someone who is reliable, stable, and honest, right away you know that a lack of those traits constitutes a yellow flag for you. Along those same lines, observe what is important to your mate. If their values don’t seem to align with yours, that could be a warning sign.

Think About Behaviors You Don’t Like in People You Already Know

A practical way to decide what your yellow flag issues are is to think about behaviors that you don’t like in the people around you. If a friend’s habitual lateness or inability to commit to plans annoys you, chances are that would be a yellow flag in a relationship.

Consider How You Feel When You’re With That Person

You can also figure out potential yellow flags by paying attention to how you feel when you’re with that person. Does something seem off in the relationship? Are you uneasy, or is there something making you uncomfortable?

Discuss Your Concerns With Loved Ones

Other people you trust can help you determine your yellow flags.

“Seek outside perspective. Talk to trusted friends or family members about your concerns and ask for their input. They may be able to offer a different perspective or help you identify potential yellow flags that you may have missed,” Johnson notes.

Are Yellow Flags Bad?

Yellow flags are not necessarily bad. Being able to identify a concern and bring it to the forefront can provide an opportunity for healthy communication.

How to Deal With Yellow Flags in Your Partner

Once you’ve identified the traits in your partner that are yellow flag issues for you, you want to address them in a healthy way. Approaching your partner with understanding and even empathy is a good place to start. Perhaps looking at the behavior from their perspective will help you know how to deal with it.

“Talk it out. Use ‘I’ statements to avoid blame language. Understand the difference between a preference and a problem. Understand each other’s perspectives and see what changes can be made and what compromises can be agreed to decide if the relationships should continue,” Amodio advises.

If the two of you are not able to reach a compromise, seeing a therapist or counselor can help. Couples counseling has been found to improve communication and intimacy.

The most important thing, however, is to find a solution that works for everyone in the relationship.

How Can I Make Sure I Don’t Miss Yellow Flags?

When it comes to recognizing potential yellow flags in your relationship, you have to pay attention to the person who can tell you the most about those issues—you. Listen to what’s going on inside of you. Practicing mindfulness is a good way to tap into your feelings. Above all, be honest with yourself.

Mild autism is an unofficial term that may refer to the diagnosis of level 1 autism. Mild autism may also informally be referred to as “high-functioning autism,” although this term is considered inaccurate and inappropriate as it does not accurately reflect the challenges that autistic people deal with in their daily lives. 

The “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition, Text Revision” (DSM-5-TR), conceptualizes autism as a spectrum in which people with low support needs (level 1 autism) are considered to be “mildly” autistic and those with high support needs as “severe.” 

Jump to Key Takeaways.

Characteristics of Mild Autism

The DSM-5-TR details five diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder. Because the DSM-5-TR conceptualizes diagnoses as disorders and disabilities that cause functional problems, these symptoms are framed as deficits:

• Social deficits: Autistic people might approach conversations and social interactions in an “abnormal” way and have difficulty expressing and interpreting nonverbal cues. This can cause trouble “developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships.”
• Repetitive or fixated behaviors, interests, or activities: Autistic people often repeat movements or words as a way to self-regulate, a behavior often referred to as “stimming.” They may also adhere to specific routines and have specific and intense interests. Finally, autistic people often have atypical reactions to sensory experiences, including being either very sensitive to touch, smell, light, or sound, or seeming not to notice these sensations.
• Early onset: Neurodivergence begins before birth. Although symptoms might not manifest until later in life (especially for those with low support needs), autistic people have been autistic their entire lives.
• Symptoms cause functional deficits: A clinical diagnosis of autism requires a person to experience difficulty at school, at work, in social situations, or other settings. This is why many autistic people with low support needs might not be diagnosed until later in life.
• Symptoms are not due to another diagnosis: Some genetic conditions or trauma can cause behaviors that can look like autism.

Before autism was considered a spectrum, the DSM-IV-TR differentiated autism from Asperger’s syndrome, which was considered “mild” autism. However, psychologists struggled with differentiating autism and Asperger’s Syndrome.

An individual was considered autistic if they did not acquire verbal language before three years of age, but other symptoms were the same. In addition, research showed that a diagnosis of autism versus Asperger’s depended on which provider performed the assessment rather than specific symptoms.

Although some still use the term Asperger’s syndrome, the term is considered dated and problematic by many because Hans Asperger was a eugenicist and a member of the Nazi party in Germany during World War II. His research on autism aimed to identify which children were “high functioning” enough to be “useful.”

What Makes Autism “Mild”?

According to the DSM-5-TR, a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder can be specified as Level 1, Level 2, or Level 3 based on “severity.”

Level 1 Autism

For an autistic person to be considered Level 1, they must have low support needs for both communication and behaviors. Regarding communication, Level 1 autistic people might struggle with initiating conversations or relationships with other people, and they might not seem as interested in these relationships as their neurotypical peers.

Behaviorally, Level 1 autistic people may adhere to very specific routines that can interfere with functioning, struggle with transitions, and have difficulty with organization and planning. The DSM-5-TR does not specify how sensory issues impact Level 1 autistic individuals.

It is important to note that autistic people’s support needs can change, just like non-autistic people’s needs can change. During times of high stress, an autistic person might need more support than during low-stress times.

Autistic burnout refers to when an autistic person’s support needs increase due to exhaustion and long-term stress. Autistic people who had low support needs and were identified as “mild” might exhibit more “severe” symptoms during burnout due to higher needs.

How Is It Diagnosed?

Many psychological tests created to identify autism are specifically designed for children and teens. However, because “mild” autism is marked by fewer functional difficulties and lower support needs, many autistic people whose symptoms are considered “mild” are not identified as autistic until adulthood.

Psychological assessments used to identify autism include:

• Diagnostic Interview. Any psychological evaluation will include a diagnostic interview during which the evaluator gathers information about your personal and family history as well as your symptoms. Since autism is a neurodevelopmental diagnosis, this interview will likely include information about early development.
• Autism Spectrum Rating Scale (ASRS). The ASRS is an observational measure with parent and teacher forms that can be used to identify symptoms of autism in children from ages two to eighteen. The child’s scores are compared to those of other autistic children as well as the DSM-5-TR diagnostic criteria for autism.
• Autism Diagnostic Interview-Revised (ADI-R). The ADI-R is a structured interview that assesses symptoms of autism from age four through adulthood.
• Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule-2 (ADOS-2). The ADOS-2 evaluates social and communication skills. Some modules are only used to identify autistic children, but there is also a module that can assess adults.
• Diagnostic Interview for Social and Communication Disorders (DISCO). The DISCO is a structured interview with questions about behavior and functioning, and it can be used with children and adults.

What Support Is Available?

Autistic people might benefit from talk therapy, occupational therapy, and physical therapy.

Autistic individuals with low support needs might be able to live independently and work, but they might attend individual therapy to cope with stress and any comorbid diagnoses they might have.

Many autistic individuals benefit from support from their autistic peers. Organizations exist to advocate for autistic people’s rights and provide accurate information about getting diagnosed, treatment options, and social support.

Key Takeaways

• Mild autism is an unofficial term for autism with the lowest support needs. It has also been known as high-functioning autism or Asperger’s, though today the official name is level 1 autism.
• People with this level of autism may have difficulties with social interactions, organization, and planning, but are often able to live and work independently.
• Various therapies and support resources can help.

Every relationship is different, but sometimes we tend to follow certain patterns that can affect how we interact with others in a variety of ways. If you’ve ever found yourself drawing back as soon as someone gets to close or clinging a little too tight because you’re afraid they might leave, you might wonder *why* such behaviors happen. They often trace back to attachment issues, or disruptions in our earliest relationships that led to insecure attachment styles.

The ways that we learned to connect with caregivers and others as part of our earliest relationships can play a big part in shaping how we approach relationships as adults. If those early bonds were marked by neglect, fear, or confusion, you might face challenges in future relationships as well.

Jump to Key Takeaways.

What Are Attachment Issues?

An attachment disorder is a condition that affects mood or behavior and makes it difficult for people to form and maintain relationships with others. These conditions usually start in early childhood, but the effects don’t stop there. In many cases, attachment issues carry over into adulthood…and can throw a wrench in your adult romantic relationships.

Most infants develop secure emotional attachments to their caregivers at an early age. They show healthy anxiety when their caregiver is absent and relief when they’re reunited. Some infants develop attachment disorders because their caregivers do not meet their needs. These babies are unable to bond with their caregivers and struggle to develop any type of emotional attachment.

Secure vs. Insecure Attachments

There are two primary attachment styles that can result from early childhood experiences with parents and caregivers: secure and insecure attachments.

Secure Attachments

Repeated positive experiences with a caregiver help infants develop a secure attachment. When an adult responds to a baby’s cries with feeding, changing, or comfort, the baby learns they can trust the adult to keep them safe and care for their needs.

Children who are securely attached tend to form better relationships with others and solve problems more readily. They are willing to try new things and explore independently and have less extreme responses to stress.

Insecure Attachments

Infants who experience negative or unpredictable responses from a caregiver may develop an insecure attachment style. They may see adults as unreliable and they may not trust them easily. Children with insecure attachments may avoid people, exaggerate distress, and show anger, fear, and anxiety. They may refuse to engage with others.

Signs to Look For

Signs that a child may have an attachment disorder include:

• Bullying or hurting others
• Extreme clinginess
• Failure to smile
• Intense bursts of anger
• Lack of eye contact
• Lack of fear of strangers
• Lack of affection for caregivers
• Oppositional behaviors
• Poor impulse control
• Self-destructive behaviors
• Watching others play but refusing to join in
• Withdrawn or listless moods

Attachment disorders that emerge in childhood can continue to affect a person’s relationships in adulthood. However, the exact attachment styles people experience in childhood do not always directly correlate to attachment patterns in adulthood.

How It’s Diagnosed

A pediatrician or psychologist will conduct an examination to diagnose an attachment disorder in children. This evaluation may include:

• Interviews with caregivers about the child’s symptoms
• Direct observations of the child’s interactions with caregivers
• A history of home and family life since birth
• An evaluation of parents and caregivers to assess parenting styles and practices

A doctor may also conduct a physical exam, run lab tests, and use other psychiatric assessments to rule out any medical or mental health conditions contributing to symptoms.

A doctor or psychiatrist will utilize the diagnostic criteria found in the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM-5-TR) to determine if a child has an attachment disorder.

What Causes Attachment Issues?

Attachment issues can develop for all sorts of reasons, but they usually start with things we went through as kids. Inconsistent or neglectful caregivers, for example, may play a part in attachment disorders in childhood as well as attachment issues in adulthood.

But these things don’t affect all kids in the same way. Some children develop attachment disorders while others living in the same environment don’t. But researchers agree there is a link between attachment disorders and significant neglect or deprivation, repeated changes in primary caretakers, or being reared in institutional settings. 

Some other possible risk factors for attachment disorders include:

• Abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual)
• Caregivers with poor parenting skills
• Parental anger issues
• Parental neglect
• Parents with psychiatric conditions
• Prenatal exposure to alcohol or drugs

Attachment disorders are fairly rare, affecting an estimated 1% to 2% of the general population. Children in foster care or children who have been institutionalized are at the greatest risk. Populations most at risk include:

• Children who have had many different foster care providers
• Children who have spent time in an orphanage
• Children who have experienced multiple traumatic events
• Children who were taken away from a primary caretaker after forming a healthy bond

Related Conditions

Children with attachment disorders are likely to struggle academically, socially, emotionally, and behaviorally. They are at a higher risk of developing legal issues during adolescence as well. Children with attachment disorders tend to have lower IQs, and they are at a higher risk of having language problems.

They’re also more likely to have comorbid psychiatric disorders. One older study that examined children with attachment disorders found that:

Link to Personality Disorders in Adulthood

Children don’t grow out of attachment disorders on their own. Their symptoms may shift as they grow older, but if left untreated, they are likely to continue to have ongoing problems into adulthood, including difficulty regulating their emotions.

Attachment disorders may also be linked to psychopathic traits. A 2018 study found that children with attachment disorders were more likely to exhibit callous and unemotional traits. While there is evidence that the two are linked, there’s no proof that attachment disorders cause an individual to develop antisocial personality disorder.

Types of Attachment Disorders

The “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” recognizes two distinct attachment disorders: disinhibited social engagement disorder and reactive attachment disorder. These conditions are often recognized around a child’s first birthday. The earliest warning signs often include failure to thrive or disinterest in interacting.

Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder

A classic sign of disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED) is overfriendliness with strangers. A child may seek comfort from a stranger, sit on a stranger’s lap, and not exhibit any distress when a caregiver isn’t present.

Children with DSED also show little interest or desire to check in with trusted adults before leaving a safe place and entering a situation that is strange or even threatening. Kids with this condition show little preference for trusted adults over strangers and may seek out affection from people they do not know.

Reactive Attachment Disorder

Reactive attachment disorder is a disorder of infancy or early childhood that involves a failure to seek comfort from a caregiver. A child with reactive attachment may resist physical comfort from a caregiver, avoid eye contact, and be hypervigilant.

Most children with reactive attachment disorder display a variety of behaviors. Such behaviors can include irritability, withdrawal, lack of comfort-seeking, not interacting with other children, and avoiding physical touch.

What Can Help?

The most important aspect of helping a child develop a secure attachment involves a stable, healthy environment. A child who continues to move from foster home to foster home or one who resides in an orphanage isn’t likely to develop a healthy bond with a caregiver.

Even when a child with an attachment disorder is placed in a loving home with a consistent caregiver, the symptoms won’t immediately resolve. They tend to push their caregivers away, and their behavior problems often repel those around them. They usually require intensive ongoing treatment.

Treatment typically involves:

• Psychotherapy: Psychotherapy for attachment disorders focuses on identifying problem areas and reducing problematic behaviors. This can be done one-on-one with a therapist, but it may also involve caregivers as well.
• Social skills training: Developing social skills can help children learn how to interact better with others in school and social settings. Kids may practice these skills with their therapist and caregivers to help gain confidence and experience.
• Family therapy: Family therapy may help kids, caregivers, and other family members learn new ways of interacting and responding.

How to Cope

If your child or a child in your care has been diagnosed with an attachment disorder, there are things you can do to help them cope. In addition to seeking appropriate professional treatment, caregivers can help by being patient and having realistic expectations.

You can help a child cope by:

• Establishing boundaries: It is essential to provide consistency and stability. Create boundaries to help a child’s world feel more predictable and trustworthy. Explain what is expected, and then be consistent about providing consequences. This can help kids regain trust and improve self-control.
• Follow a schedule: You can help establish consistency by having a daily routine that kids can follow. This can help kids feel like their world is more consistent and trustworthy, even during transition periods.
• Talk about emotions: Help kids learn to identify their emotions. Instead of judging emotions as “bad,” focus on simply labeling them and discussing what kids can do to manage and express those feelings. 

If you notice signs that your child may have an attachment disorder, talk to your child’s doctor about an evaluation, diagnosis, or referral to a child mental health specialist. The earlier the intervention, the more likely a child is to experience a good outcome.

Another step you can take to help a child with an attachment problem is to take a parenting class. Children with attachment issues require special attention. Learning how to respond appropriately can help your child form a healthier, more secure bond with caregivers.

Key Takeaways

• “Attachment issues” refers to an insecure attachment style that can interfere in forming healthy relationships.
• They are linked to neglect or trauma in childhood, various mental health conditions, and personality disorders.
• Treatments include psychotherapy, social skills training, and family therapy.

We all experience strong emotions, but for some people, these feelings can seem overwhelming, unpredictable, and difficult to control. Dysregulation involves problems regulating emotional responses, which can result in reactions that seem intense, prolonged, or out of proportion to the situation.

The result? Sudden outbursts of anger, anxiety, or sadness that can have a detrimental effect on daily functioning, relationships, and a person’s overall well-being.

What Is Dysregulation?

Dysregulation, or emotional dysregulation, is an inability to control or regulate one’s emotional responses, which can lead to significant mood swings, significant changes in mood, or emotional lability. It can involve many emotions, including sadness, anger, irritability, and frustration.

While dysregulation is typically thought of as a childhood problem that usually resolves itself as a child learns proper emotional regulation skills and strategies, dysregulation may continue into adulthood.

For these individuals, emotional dysregulation can lead to a lifetime of struggles, including problems with interpersonal relationships, school performance, and the inability to function effectively in a job or at work.

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What Triggers It?

Why is it that some people have no trouble remaining calm, cool, and collected while others fall apart at the first instance of something going wrong in their life?

The answer is that there are likely multiple causes; however, there is one that has been consistently shown in the research literature. That cause is early psychological trauma resulting from abuse or neglect on the part of the caregiver. This results in something known as a reactive attachment disorder.

Is Dysregulation a Mental Disorder?

While dysregulation isn’t necessarily a mental disorder (or a sign of one), we know that emotional dysregulation in childhood can be a risk factor for later mental disorders. Some disorders are also more likely to involve emotional dysregulation.

Disorders that are most commonly associated with emotional dysregulation include:

How to Recognize It

In general, emotional dysregulation involves having emotions that are overly intense in comparison to the situation that triggered them. This can mean not being able to calm down, avoiding difficult emotions, or focusing your attention on the negative. Most people with emotional dysregulation also behave in an impulsive manner when their emotions (fear, sadness, or anger) are out of control.

Common symptoms include:

• Intense mood swings
• Impulsivity
• Problems managing anger
• Emotional reactions that are out of proportion to the situation
• Problems with relationships
• Perfectionism
• Feelings of anxiety or depression

Emotional dysregulation can also mean that you have trouble recognizing the emotions you are experiencing when you become upset. It might mean that you feel confused by your emotions, guilty about your feelings, or overwhelmed by them to the point that you can’t make decisions or manage your behavior.

Examples of Dysregulation

Below are some examples of what it looks like when someone is experiencing emotional dysregulation.

• Your romantic partner cancels plans and you decide they must not love you and you end up crying all night and binging on junk food.
• The bank teller says they can’t help you with a particular transaction and you’ll need to come back the next day. You have an angry outburst, yell at the teller, and throw a pen across the counter at them.
• You attend a company dinner and everyone seems to be talking and having fun while you feel like an outsider. After the event, you go home and overeat to numb your emotional pain. This is also an example of poor coping mechanisms and emotional eating.

How It Impacts Your Life

Being unable to manage your emotions and their effects on your behavior can have a range of negative effects on your adult life. For instance:

• You might have trouble sleeping.
• You might struggle to let experiences go or hold grudges longer than you should.
• You might get into minor arguments that you blow out of proportion to the point that you end up ruining relationships.
• You might experience negative effects on your social, work, or school functioning.
• You might develop a mental disorder later in life because of a poor ability to regulate your emotions (e.g., depression)
• You might develop a substance abuse problem or addiction such as smoking, drinking, or drugs.
• You might engage in self-harm or other disordered behavior such as restrictive eating habits or binge eating.
• You might have trouble resolving conflict.

What Can Help?

The two main options for treating emotion dysregulation are medication and therapy, depending on the individual situation. Oftentimes, a combination of both is the most effective solution.

Medication

Medication may be used to treat emotion dysregulation when it is part of a larger mental disorder. For example, ADHD will be treated with stimulants, depression will be treated with antidepressants, and other issues might be treated with antipsychotics.

Therapy

In terms of therapy for emotional dysregulation, the main treatment method has been what is known as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Marsha Linehan originally developed this form of therapy in the 1980s to treat individuals experiencing BPD.

In general, this type of therapy involves improving mindfulness, validating emotions, and engaging in healthy habits. It also teaches the skills needed to regulate emotions. Through DBT, you learn to focus on the present moment, become aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and deal with stressful situations.

DBT argues that there are three “states of mind:”

• Reasonable mind refers to being logical and rational.
• Emotional mind refers to your moods and sensations.
• Wise mind refers to the combination of your reasonable mind and your emotional mind.

Journaling

If you’ve just experienced a stressful situation or crisis and want to try a little DBT at home, pull out a journal and answer these questions.

• What was the event that caused you distress?
• What did you think about in the situation? (Write down three main thoughts.)
• How did these thoughts make you feel? (Write down any physical symptoms, things you did like crying, or feelings like being upset.)
• What was the consequence of the thoughts you had?

The goal of DBT is to balance your emotions with logic to obtain more positive outcomes from the situations that you find stressful. The goal is also to teach you to become more aware of the connections between your thoughts, feelings, and actions. In this way, it’s expected that you will be able to better manage your emotions in your daily life.

Parenting a Child with Emotional Dysregulation

If you are a parent of a child who struggles with emotion dysregulation, you might be wondering what you can do to support your child. It is true that children learn emotion regulation skills from their parents. You have the ability to teach your child how to manage emotions rather than become overwhelmed by them. Here are some ways you can support them:

• Recognize your own limitations. Do you have a mental disorder or have you struggled with your own emotion regulation skills? If so, you and your child might benefit from you receiving treatment or therapy to build up your own resilience. When you are better able to manage your own distress, then you will be able to offer the most support to your child.
• Lead by example. In addition, the best way to teach your child how to manage their emotions is not to demand that they behave in a certain way or punish them for acting out. Rather, the best option is to model the desired behavior yourself that you want them to adopt.
• Adjust accordingly. It can be helpful to start to recognize triggers for your child’s behavior and have a back-up plan of effective ways to deal with acting out. For example, if your child always has a tantrum when you take them to buy shoes, try picking out a pair in their size and bringing them home for them to try on.
• Maintain consistent routines. Children who struggle with emotion dysregulation benefit from predictability and consistency. Your child needs to know that you will be there for them when they need you and that they can rely on you to be the calming presence. When your own emotions are out of control, then it is much more likely that your child will be unable to manage their own emotions.
• Seek accommodations or additional support. If your child is in school, it is also important that you talk to their teacher about their problems with emotion regulation. Talk about the strategies that you use at home and how your child might need extra help in the classroom or reminders on how to calm down. If your child has a diagnosed disorder, they may be on a special education plan that allows accommodations or gives them extra help. Be sure to take advantage of that.
• Reward positive behavior. If you see your child acting in ways that are positive for emotion management, comment on those positive behaviors. Find ways to reward emotion management successes so that they will become more frequent.

Takeaway

Whether it’s you, your child, or someone you know who struggles with emotion dysregulation, it is important to know that this is something that can improve over time. In fact, 91% of those diagnosed with BPD are not predicted to meet criteria 10 years down the road. This goes to show that emotion regulation strategies can be learned and are very helpful for improving your situation and living the best life possible.

Regardless of your current circumstances, you can make changes that will result in improved social, school, and work functioning. You can learn to manage the stressful situations that cause you pain and work through past hurts or mistreatment that led you to where you are today.

If you’ve ever heard a meticulous, uptight person referred to as being ‘anal retentive,’ you’ve probably wondered exactly where that terms comes from. The term is rooted in Freudian psychoanalytic theory and suggests that characteristics like excessive orderliness, perfectionism, and control are the result of a fixation at an early point in child development. 

Also known as being anal-retentive, an anal personality is thought of as someone with an extreme need to control their environment or situations. A person with an anal personality will also have an obsessive attention to detail (even non-essential details) to the point that it might annoy others.

Their behavior goes beyond being helpful. For example, a person with an anal personality might research a product endlessly before buying it.

Origins of the Anal-Retentive Personality

The concept of the anal-retentive personality dates back to the time of Austrian neurologist Sigmund Freud, who was the first to propose the existence of this personality type as part of psychoanalytic theory.

Freud wrote about the anal-retentive personality in his early works on psychosexual development. He argued that there were three psychosexual stages during early childhood development:

• Oral stage: From birth to one year
• Anal stage: From age 1 to Age 3
• Phallic stage: From age 3 to Age 6

It was during the anal stage and toilet training that Freud argued the anal-retentive personality would develop.

Freud believed that toilet training that was too strict, began too early, or involved punishment for accidents could lead to the formation of an anal-retentive personality.

It might sound outlandish today, but certain aspects of the historical period in which Freud lived contributed to the development of his theories. In addition to the Victorian social mores of the time, historians believe that the state of indoor plumbing played a part.

Since there was no indoor plumbing, diapers, or washing machines, restricting one’s bowel movements would have been a *much* larger concern for children who lived when Freud was a young boy.

The Anal-Retentive Personality According to Freud

Freud depicted anal retentive people as being:

• Overly orderly
• Meticulous
• Suspicious
• Reserved

Further traits that were later described included being stubborn, rigid, stingy with money and/or time, and having an obsession with being neat or clean. Other adjectives used to describe this personality were perfectionistic, detail-oriented, overly self-reliant, and having a passion for organizing, classifying, or collecting objects.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

While Freud described the anal personality, the closest mental disorder that is currently described today in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR) is obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD).

Similar to the anal personality, a person with OCPD will also show strong attention to detail, a need for orderliness in their environment, problems with perfectionism, and a tendency to make lists and rules to follow.

This person may also have trouble delegating tasks and will be obstinate and rigid in their interpersonal dealings. They may have trouble getting rid of old things or spending money.

Differences Between Anal-Retentiveness and OCPD

What are the differences between being anal retentive and having OCPD?

What Has Research Found About It?

In a classic 1966 study, researchers showed that those with an anal personality performed worse on a task that required them to place their hand into water that had an odor suggestive of fecal matter than people without an anal personality. The researchers speculated that this reflected ineffective defenses against “anal impulses.”

In general, research has revealed that anal retentive characteristics appear as a cluster of traits rather than a defined type that would be defined as a disorder.

Interestingly, researchers have found that people who experience constipation are more likely to exhibit anal-retentive characteristics, including a need for perfection, certainty, and control.

Signs You Might Be Anal-Retentive

So, how can you tell if you might have what some might call an anal-retentive personality? Some of questions you might ask yourself include:

• Do you buy 10 of everything at the grocery store so that you won’t run out?
• Do you organize the bills in your wallet by color?
• Do you look up words before you type them on social media to see whether you need to add a hyphen for proper grammar?
• Do you categorize your grocery list so that it is in the exact order of the items that you will be buying at the store?
• When you set clocks in your house, do you need to make sure that they are all set to the same minute and second?
• Does it bother you greatly if you see small errors or details?
• Have other people referred to you as overly neurotic about having things perfect around you?
• Do you find it hard to relax on the weekend or vacation when you know that it should be a time to unwind and recharge?
• Are you stingy in how you consume things, such as using only one square of toilet paper or not spending any of your money?

How to Cope

What should you do if you think you have an anal personality? That all depends on whether it bothers you or the people around you.

Do you feel as though your anal retentive behavior is excessive or out of your control? Those are other signs that you might need to seek help. If you have trouble delegating tasks or can’t handle it when things don’t work out perfectly, this could interfere with your daily life or your ability to function at work.

All of these are signs that it may be helpful to speak to a professional.

On the other hand, if you are functioning well, aren’t bothered by your quirks, and the people around you are accepting of your personality, then it may simply be something that you learn to live with.

Takeaways

It’s important to remember that there is a strong distinction between being anal retentive and having a diagnosable mental health disorder. If you are living with someone who is showing signs of needing to control their environment to an extreme, it may be hard to know if this is just a personality quirk or something deeper.

If that person’s behavior appears to interfere with their daily life, causes them distress or causes distress to you or other people in their life, or they are unable to control their impulses or feel great anxiety when unable to carry out compulsions, these are all signs of something deeper than an anal personality.

On the other hand, if someone you know appears to happily clean and organize and manage their money in a way that seems odd to you but that they enjoy or brings them joy, it could be that they simply are showing signs of what Freud identified so long ago. The translation of some unmet need or conflict during childhood into an adult manifestation that is less likely to cause trouble and appears more socially acceptable.

Infidelity—also referred to as cheating or adultery—describes the act of engaging in emotional or sexual intimacy with someone outside the agreed-upon boundaries of your marriage or relationship. Infidelity may or may not involve sexual encounters, and can happen in person or online.

It’s also one of the most painful breaches of trust that can happen in a relationship. Unfortunately, it’s also common. Rates of infidelity in relationships vary from about 20% to 50%. Infidelity can have a strong impact on the relationship and can lead to depression, guilt, blame, and anger.

What Are the Signs of Infidelity?

It can be difficult to know if your partner is cheating on you without concrete evidence. However, there are some warning signs that your spouse may be engaging in infidelity. When it comes to infidelity, there will usually be multiple red flags that clue you into what is going on.

Some potential signs of infidelity include:

• You may notice significant changes in your sex life, that your partner is less interested in sex than usual and has trouble becoming sexually aroused with you, or that your partner is much more interested in sex with you than they usually are.
• Your partner may want to engage in sexual activities that seem foreign or off-putting to you.
• Your partner may be paying more attention to their appearance than usual.
• Your partner may not be sleeping well.
• Your partner may seem unusually distracted and stressed.
• Your partner may be more private than usual and may demand more privacy.
• Your partner may be spending more time away from home or going on longer and more frequent trips for work or with friends.
• You may find it more challenging to connect with your partner, and they may be more reactive, more hostile, or colder than usual.
• You may also experience sleeplessness, stress, and distraction as a result of your suspicions about your partner’s behavior.

Why Do People Do It?

Many of us have the idea that infidelity only happens in unhappy relationships, but even people in happy relationships cheat. Infidelity often occurs because of dissatisfaction within a relationship, but it can also happen because of low self-esteem, or an addiction to sex or romance.

Some studies show that men are more likely to cheat than women, but others show that men are more likely to engage in sexual infidelity. In contrast, women are more likely to engage in emotional infidelity. People with higher sexual urges are more likely to engage in infidelity, as are people with higher levels of insecurity, who may be seeking validation through an affair.

What Is Considered Infidelity?

Infidelity doesn’t just look like someone going out to a motel and having a secret sexual affair. Cheating can take many forms and doesn’t always involve in-person encounters. It’s also important to note that what may constitute infidelity for one person may not ring true for another.

The main types of infidelity that most couples recognize are:

Sexual Infidelity

This involves engaging in sexual relations of any kind outside of the relationship. There may or may not be an emotional component here.

Emotional Infidelity

The difference between a platonic relationship and a case of emotional infidelity is that the relationship involves flirting, sexual chemistry, and a level of emotional intimacy similar to romantic relationships. Additionally, there is secrecy involved: information about the relationship is often purposefully hidden.

Online Infidelity

Online, or cyber infidelity, involves engaging in sexual or emotional affairs online, via chat rooms, messages, texts, and exchanging of photos and sexual fantasies. Some people consider viewing pornography without engaging with others a type of cheating, while others do not.

Impacts

The fallout from infidelity can be devastating for relationships and the individuals involved, including the person who was betrayed and those who do the cheating. When infidelity impacts a relationship, it can leave the people in it feeling highly distressed, depressed, and out of sorts.

The person who was cheated on may feel deeply betrayed and suspicious of their spouse’s activities going forward. They may experience nightmares, flashbacks, and may have images of the affair playing in their head as if on a movie reel. Trust may be severed, and difficult to repair.

The damage is often irreparable. Infidelity can strain or break apart relationships or marriages. Infidelity is one of the top reasons that couples go to relationship counseling, and it’s one of the most common reasons for divorce.

How to Cope

Although the impacts of infidelity can’t be minimized, and it is not recommended to remain in a relationship with someone who betrays trust repeatedly without remorse and avoids taking responsibility, there is some hope. Relationship counseling with a licensed therapist can be effective at helping couples heal, move on from affairs, and establish firm boundaries so that infidelity does not become a chronic problem.

Therapy for infidelity usually begins with the therapist creating a safe and supportive space for each partner to share their feelings, needs, and relationship goals. Reasons for the affair may be explored to gain greater awareness about the root causes and the couple may decide whether to mend or end the relationship.

A therapist can also work with the couple to help address what is not working in the relationship, including unhealthy patterns such as codependency and self-blame. A therapist can help the couple improve and change ineffective ways of communicating, such as stonewalling, criticism, defensiveness, and contempt.

Couples therapy can look very different depending on the therapist’s therapeutic orientation, personality, and practice style, and the couple’s unique dynamic and presenting issues. It’s essential to find a therapist that each person feels comfortable working with. Interviewing multiple therapists is highly recommended.

Takeaways

If you suspect your spouse is cheating, but aren’t sure what to do, it can be helpful to speak to a therapist or counselor to help sort your feelings out and to make a plan for how to confront this problem. If cheating is confirmed, it’s important to take your mental health seriously, as dealing with the aftermath of an affair can be stressful and traumatic. Be gentle with yourself, and honor your emotional boundaries.