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Why It Happens and How to Cope
Key Takeaways
- People use deflection as a defense to avoid looking or feeling bad. It’s an unhealthy and often immature behavior that undermines relationships.
- Making excuses, refusing to take responsibility, always blaming others, shifting the blame, and never apologizing for mistakes are common signs of deflecting.
- You can deal with it by bringing attention back to the problem, not avoiding to accusations, explaining the effects, and focusing on solutions.
Deflection is a defense mechanism where a person shifts blame or focus to avoid experiencing uncomfortable emotions like anxiety, pain, guilt, criticism, or distress. Instead of taking responsibility, they redirect attention to someone or something else.
For example, a child caught fighting might say, “She started it,” or a colleague may blame a poor internet connection for turning their report in late. Or it might happen when your partner responds to your concerns by suggesting you’re “too sensitive.”
Common Examples of Deflection in Everyday Life
Someone who deflects may choose to deflect blame back onto you, or onto other factors. Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist, shares some examples of deflective behavior below.
Deflecting the Blame Back Onto You
If you confront the person about something they’ve done, they might deflect by pointing out your flaws instead of taking responsibility for their own. This shifts the focus of the conversation onto you and lets them off the hook.
Some examples include:
- “Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Stop being dramatic.”
- “Why are you getting so upset about this? Don’t be so uptight. Learn how to chill.”
- “Why are you fighting with me about this? That’s so mean. You’re hurting my feelings.”
- “You’ve always known this is what I’m like. Why can’t you accept me for who I am?”
- “What about the time when you did X? I didn’t get mad at you for it.”
- “I had to do Y because you did X, so it’s really your fault.”
- “I didn’t tell you about this because you always overreact.”
Deflecting the Blame Onto Other Factors
On the other hand, the person may choose to deflect blame onto other factors, even though they were actually at fault.
Some examples include:
- “I couldn’t help it, I was late because of the traffic/rain.”
- “I couldn’t turn in my report before the deadline because the internet wasn’t working.”
- “I failed the test because my teacher was bad.”
Why People Deflect to Protect Themselves
People deflect because they don’t want to feel bad about themselves or look bad in front of others. They don’t want people to think they’ve made a mistake or are at fault in any way. They want to be liked and looked up to. They don’t want to admit—even to themselves—that they may have done something wrong.
Aimee Daramus, PsyD
Deflection is about protecting one’s self-image instead of taking responsibility. If one feels guilty or inadequate about something they did, deflection pushes that feeling away by shifting the focus onto something else.
— Aimee Daramus, PsyD
The mature thing to do when one makes a mistake is to admit it, take responsibility for it, and take steps to correct it.
Nevertheless, most of us deflect once in a while, but doing it often as a habit is not healthy, says Dr. Daramus.
When Deflecting Might Cross the Line
If someone deflects often, Dr. Daramus says it may be a pattern of behavior that amounts to:
- Gaslighting: Deflection can be a form of gaslighting, because it attempts to distort reality.
- Narcissistic abuse: Deflection could also be a form of narcissistic abuse. A person with narcissistic traits may go to any lengths to seem as perfect as possible, including criticizing others who give them negative feedback.
- Emotional abuse: With emotional abuse, deflection can go both ways. Abusers may use deflection to attack victims instead of facing criticism. However, victims may also resort to deflection to avoid abuse.
How Can You Tell If Someone Is Deflecting?
According to Dr. Daramus, these are some signs that someone is deflecting:
- Making excuses for their shortcomings
- Refusing to take responsibility for their actions
- Not apologizing for their mistakes
- Calling you out for something, in response to being called out
- Making it your job to accept them, flaws and all, no matter how it affects you
What to Do About It
Dr. Daramus recommends some strategies that can help you deal with someone who deflects:
- Stay focused on the issue: When they try to deflect, redirect back to the current problem. Don’t let the conversation get sidetracked.
- Don’t get baited into responding to accusations: Deflection can be hard to recognize immediately. You may find yourself responding to accusations instead of recognizing that the person is deflecting. If you need time, take a few minutes to think before you respond.
- Don’t let them make it about your reaction: Think through your response and be careful about how you express your reaction, so you don’t give them a chance to make it about your reaction instead of their behavior.
- Share your feelings: Let them know how their behavior is affecting you. Use “I… ” statements instead of “You…” statements, which will make them more defensive. So instead of saying, “You don’t pay attention to what I’m saying,” say, “I enjoy talking to you about my day, and it hurts me when you’re uninterested.”
- Focus on solutions: Instead of focusing on where to assign blame, focus on working together to find solutions. Let’s say your roommate ate your leftovers without asking. They deflect by pointing out that you’ve let them eat your food before. You let them know you don’t have any other dinner in the house. Right now, that might mean they share something of theirs or order you something, and in the long term, it might mean everyone labels their food.
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How to Cope When Things Don’t Go as Planned
Key Takeaways
- It’s natural to get upset when things don’t go as planned; not knowing what to expect and not feeling in control can be stressful.
- Ways to cope include keeping an open mind, focusing on finding solutions, and being flexible. If you’re struggling, seek support from loved ones or mental healthcare providers.
- It’s also helpful to take steps to ensure that things go as planned, such as doing your research, staying organized, and giving yourself extra time.
No matter how carefully you plan something, things sometimes go awry. A canceled meeting, a disaster date, or a delayed flight can throw things off, leaving us upset and disappointed. It happens to all of us, but trying to stay flexible and looking for solutions can help keep you from crashing when things don’t work out as expected.
What to Do When Things Don’t Go as Planned
Meghan Marcum, PsyD, chief psychologist at AMFM Healthcare, shares some strategies that can help you cope when things don’t go as planned:
- Reflect on your reactions: When things don’t go as planned, you may feel angry, irritated, upset, disappointed, anxious, scared, or frustrated. It can be helpful to pause and think about why you’re feeling this way. Understanding your emotional triggers is the first step toward accepting them and coping with them.
- Work on flexibility: If something changes in your schedule, take a moment to assess how it affects you and whether you can realistically manage the change in plans. Rather than reacting immediately or assuming the worst, calmly and logically work out whether or not you can accommodate the change. You might find that you are able to cope with it. If you can’t, that’s all right too.
- Focus on solutions: Try to cope with changes to the plan by looking for solutions. For instance, if you’re waiting for someone who is running late, think about what you can productively do in the meantime so you’re not sitting idly by until they arrive. Is there work or a call you might be able to catch up on while you’re waiting?
- Recalibrate your expectations: We often try very hard to do things perfectly. However, chasing perfection can be a losing battle. It’s usually more helpful to have realistic expectations and to be willing to adjust them depending on the circumstances.
- Accept deviations from the plan: Just because something didn’t go exactly the way you planned it, doesn’t mean it didn’t go well. There’s more than one way to do something, and being open to other options and opinions can help you enjoy the process and the experience more.
- Seek support: If you feel you’re struggling with something difficult, it can be helpful to seek the support of your colleagues, friends, or family members. They may be able to offer different perspectives, help you find solutions, or simply provide moral support while you’re facing something difficult.
- Share your concerns with a professional: If you’re having difficulty coping, it can be helpful to talk to a mental healthcare provider. They can help you explore your emotional reactions, challenge negative thought patterns, and develop more robust coping skills.
What’s Not Helpful
When things don’t go as planned, we sometimes cope in unhealthy ways. These are some habits that are best avoided:
- Blaming others for what went wrong
- Avoiding your feelings rather than accepting them
- Using substances to cope with your emotions
Why It’s So Upsetting
Dr. Marcum says most people like to have a sense of control when planning scheduled activities. Knowing what to expect can help us mentally prepare for what’s to come.
Even the smallest changes in plans can make us feel like our entire day has been thrown off course, Dr. Marcum says. She explains that even a slight change in the original plan can mean that we have to adjust the rest of our plans, or in some cases, abandon them entirely. You’re not alone if this stresses you out.
When the plan is disrupted or changed suddenly, it can cause anxiety, frustration, irritation, anger, disappointment, and other negative feelings. If these changes were unanticipated, they can sometimes cause conflict and disruptions in our relationships with others.
On a broader note, you may sometimes also feel like your life is not going as planned. A major stressor such as a break-up, a divorce, the loss of a job, a serious health diagnosis, the loss of a loved one, or a general feeling of lack of control can trigger these thoughts and make you feel this way.
In these instances, it’s natural to grieve for what you have lost or could have been. Grief can take many forms, depending on the circumstances. For instance, you may feel scared, anxious, or sad about the future and angry at the situation you’re in.
Tips to Help Things Go According to Plan
While nothing is foolproof, Dr. Marcum says these are some strategies that can help improve the chances of things going as planned:
- Do your research: Being prepared and doing your research can help you know what to expect and keep you from being caught off-guard. For instance, if you’re going for an event or activity, finding out where to park, when to arrive, and what to bring in advance can be helpful.
- Stay organized: If you’re planning something, it can be helpful to stay organized. You can start by breaking down a large task into smaller tasks. You can set a timeline and reminders for each of the smaller tasks and track your progress so you know you’re on schedule.
- Keep extra time on hand: It’s always a good idea to give yourself extra time if something unexpected comes up, so you’re not rushing or feeling additionally stressed.
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Why Eating These Foods Before Bed Might Cause Strange Dreams
Yesterday, I had late-night spicy tacos with too much queso, and I woke up freaking out, thinking zombies were chasing me. This isn’t the first time eating certain foods has given me weird and messed-up dreams. Maybe you can relate, as there’s actually a scientific explanation for this.
Which Foods Can Affect Dreams?
Annie Miller, LCSW-C, therapist and owner of DC Metro Therapy, says there is growing evidence that certain foods can influence sleep architecture, especially REM sleep (the primary stage where vivid dreams occur). When digestion is disrupted or blood sugar fluctuates, it can fragment REM sleep, leading to more vivid, intense, or emotionally charged dreams.
Here’s a breakdown of how food might play a role:
- Dairy can cause gastrointestinal discomfort, especially in people who are lactose intolerant. This can trigger micro-arousals during sleep, making dreams more likely to be remembered, and potentially more bizarre or disturbing.
- Spicy foods may increase core body temperature, which is linked to higher dream intensity and reduced sleep quality.
- Sugary foods can lead to blood sugar crashes and activate the sympathetic nervous system, increasing night wakings and cortisol release, both of which can intensify dreams or make them more emotionally vivid.
Miller adds that just as having caffeine late in the day or using screens before bed can interfere with sleep, heavy, rich, or sugar-laden foods can also disrupt REM cycles.
When REM is disrupted, dreams tend to feel more vivid or strange—not necessarily because the food causes those dreams, but because of what it does to the quality of sleep.
Understanding Dreams and Sleep
The sleep cycle consists of four stages, with the first three belonging to non-rapid eye movement (NREM) sleep and the fourth being REM sleep.
- Stage one is a brief transition into sleep.
- Stage two is where the body and brain activity slow down significantly.
- Stage three, or deep sleep, is crucial for memory and physical restoration.
- About 90 minutes after falling asleep, the brain enters stage four. During REM sleep, there is increased brain activity, rapid eye movements, and muscle atonia (temporary paralysis).
This cycle repeats every 90 to 120 minutes, and adults typically experience four to five full sleep cycles per night.
Dreams are thought to help the brain consolidate memories, process emotions, and strengthen neural connections. While dreaming can happen during all stages, REM dreams are the most intense and frequent. The brain’s heightened activity during REM sleep allows for the reorganization of daily experiences and emotional processing.
What’s the Link Between Food and Dreams?
Rachel Gargano, MS, RD, CSSD, CBS , chief registered dietitian at Live it Up, explains that the food-dream correlation is incredibly interesting but poorly studied, and with good reason. There are a few factors that can confound these types of studies, including existing sleep disorders, expectations, individual bias, general health, and emotional factors, among other things.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Eating
Despite the limited research, Gargano shares that a few studies have recently come out with fascinating findings. They showed that healthy eating habits, including a diet rich in fruit with lower consumption in the evening, may result in more vivid dreams and better dream recall.
On the other hand, a diet with unhealthy habits, such as not following hunger and fullness cues, higher sugar intake, emotional and binge eating, and the inclination to eat in the evening, is potentially linked with bizarre or negative dreams and nightmares.
The Impact of Food Intolerances
Food intolerances and the gastrointestinal symptoms they cause, such as lactose intolerance, may also lead to negative dreams. Gargano says that one hypothesis is that someone following a healthy diet who listens to their body and eats intuitively may be better clued into what helps their body function well and feel good overall. This may, in turn, affect dreaming, whether they are more inclined to recall positive dreams or if it indeed helps them have more positive dreams.
Gargano shared that another hypothesis is that late-night eating could disrupt sleep because of its impact on the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis. This is because the gastrointestinal tract’s circadian rhythm prefers to rest during the night, and introducing an evening meal may impact the speed of digestion and the body’s response to it, potentially affecting cortisol levels.
So far, it’s unclear if diet causes changes in dreaming or if changes in dreaming and sleep influence our dietary choices.
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RACHEL GARGANO, MS, RD, CSSD, CBS
How to Have Better Sleep and More Pleasant Dreams
Gargano says the impact of food on sleep quality has been more thoroughly studied than its impact on dreams. Generally, when someone’s overall diet has more fruits, vegetables, fatty fish, and dairy, they’re more likely to have better sleep quality. However, a diet heavy in added sugars, fat, and processed foods may cause fragmented sleep and low sleep quality.
Alexis Law, a registered dietitian nutritionist, adds that caffeinated foods and beverages can make it more challenging to fall asleep and may impact the amount of rest you get. Foods that people may be sensitive to, like cheese, could also cause discomfort, making sleep less peaceful.
Foods to Promote Deep Sleep
Here are some expert-recommended foods that promote a quality slumber:
- Gargano shares that a diet with enough tryptophan, an amino acid found in dairy, seeds, chicken, and egg whites, may promote better sleep. Tryptophan plays a role in the synthesis of serotonin, which is important for certain facets of sleep.
- Montmorency tart cherries and Jerte Valley cherries may also have a positive effect on sleep quality. These are usually recommended to be taken as 100% unsweetened juices in a dose of about 8 ounces both in the morning and about one to two hours before bedtime.
- Foods rich in magnesium may also support better sleep, though research is mixed. You can find magnesium in pumpkin and chia seeds, nuts such as almonds and cashews, beans including black beans, kidney beans, and edamame, as well as some fish and vegetables.
- Miller recommends having light, balanced meals in the evening to minimize digestive strain and temperature shifts. Eat low-glycemic snacks to stabilize blood sugar overnight.
- Lastly, herbal teas like chamomile or valerian can help support relaxation and reduce nighttime arousal.
“[W]hile food can influence sleep and dreams, I believe our behaviors and thought patterns play a much larger role in overall sleep quality. Sleep hygiene, stress management, and cognitive approaches have the strongest and most lasting impact,” advises Miller.
Key Takeaways
- Incorporate more fruits, vegetables, and fatty fish into your diet for better sleep quality.
- A diet heavy in added sugars, fat, and processed foods may cause fragmented sleep and low sleep quality.
- Certain foods may disrupt REM sleep, which could lead to intense dreams, but the jury’s still out on whether diet has a direct impact on dreams.
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