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We’ve all been there—standing across from someone who’s just lost someone they love, wanting so badly to say the right thing but feeling completely at a loss for words. We want to show up for them and make things better somehow, but sometimes the words that come out don’t land the way we hope. 

Research shows that losing a loved one is the most significant source of stress we experience, topping the list of life’s most challenging events. Grief can be messy and painful, and in our effort to comfort someone who’s struggling, we can sometimes make things worse.

“When we say the wrong thing, we’re often trying to make ourselves feel better about someone’s pain,” says Rebecca Feinglos. “But grief isn’t meant to be comfortable for anyone—not for the person experiencing it, nor for the people watching.”

What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving a Loss

Here’s a list of common phrases to avoid when someone is grieving:

It might sound like you’re trying to make sense of the situation, but to someone who’s grieving, it can feel like you’re minimizing what they’re going through. The truth is, not all pain has a neat explanation, and not every loss makes sense. To someone in pain, no reason can feel good enough to justify losing their loved one.

Even if shared with good intentions, this can feel invalidating or upsetting if the grieving person is questioning their faith or struggling to make sense of the loss.

It’s important not to speak out of your own beliefs about death unless you know that the grieving one shares those beliefs, says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, Chicago.

Grief is deeply personal and everyone’s experience is unique. Even if you’ve lost someone, their grief is uniquely theirs, says Feinglos. “Avoid making comparisons.”

This phrase, often said after an illness or long decline, implies that there shouldn’t be much pain. But knowing a loss is coming doesn’t necessarily make it hurt less.

While this might align with your religious or spiritual beliefs, it may not align with theirs. Even if it does, it often brings little comfort in the moment—because more than anything, the person likely just wants their loved one here, with them, rather than elsewhere.

Even if this is true, it doesn’t make the loss hurt any less. Grief doesn’t get smaller just because someone was older.

This implies that one loved one can replace another and diminishes the significance of the person they lost.

This puts pressure on someone to hold it together, when what they may need most is to be able to fall apart.

Grief has no timeline, and telling someone to move on can sound like you want them to hurry up and forget the person, or replace them with something or someone. Grievers integrate their loss; they don’t simply “move on” from it.

This phrase attempts to dictate how someone should grieve. While good memories are eventually comforting, sometimes in early grief, they can intensify the pain of absence.

Why It’s Important Not to Say the Wrong Thing

It’s important not to say the wrong thing to someone who has experienced a loss because they’re extremely vulnerable in their grief. Their emotions are heightened, their world has been shaken, and what you say can either comfort them or unintentionally deepen their pain.

“Someone who’s grieving a loss is already carrying an impossible weight. The last thing they need is to feel like they’re carrying it wrong,” says Feinglos.

But that’s exactly what happens when well-meaning people say things like “Everything happens for a reason,” or “At least they’re not suffering anymore,” or “You need to stay strong,” Feinglos explains. “When we try to fix it, rush it, or wrap it up in neat explanations, we’re essentially telling someone their grief should have an expiration date.”

When someone is grieving, their memory of how people showed up—or didn’t—tends to stick. A careless comment or empty platitude can become one more painful thing they carry. On the other hand, a few simple, thoughtful words and actions can bring warmth and comfort.

How to Support Someone Who’s Grieving a Loss

Here are some ways to support someone who’s grieving a loss, according to the experts:

• Just be there: The most powerful thing you can offer someone who’s grieving isn’t advice or explanations, it’s your presence, says Feinglos. Your presence can be comforting and mean more than anything you say to them. Sit with them. Listen without trying to give advice.
• Keep it simple and honest: Sometimes the best support sounds surprisingly simple, says Feinglos. She recommends being honest and saying: “This sucks,” “I’m so sorry this is happening,” or “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.” You don’t need to say something profound—just something sincere.
• Put yourself in their shoes: Put yourself in the person’s situation and try to think of what might make them feel better. “Try to say something that will comfort them, not what would comfort you in the same situation,” says Dr. Daramus.
• Don’t say things for the sake of saying them: Try not to offer polite lies, says Dr. Daramus. “If you can’t say something nice about the deceased or you didn’t know them, just focus on asking what you can do to help the person.” Feinglos adds, “And if you realize you said something that wasn’t helpful, it’s never too late to circle back and say, ‘I’ve been thinking about our conversation, and I realize that might not have been what you needed to hear.’”
• Respect their grieving style: Some people cry openly. Others cope quietly or keep busy. People grieve in different ways, says Dr. Daramus. Avoid judging how they’re grieving. There’s no “right” way to mourn a loss.
• Follow their lead: Grief is transient and takes different forms on different days. Some days the person will want to talk about their loss; other days they’ll want you to help them think about literally anything else, says Feinglos. “Your job is to meet them wherever they are.”
• Offer practical support: Grief can make everyday chores feel overwhelming. Offer to help with any tasks, says Dr. Daramus. 
• Mark the hard dates: Sometimes, the anniversary of when everything changed hurts more than the actual day it happened, Feinglos explains. The day they got the diagnosis. The day their loved one passed away. Their birthday or anniversary. “These dates can hit like a truck when everyone else has moved on. A simple ‘I’m thinking of you today’ can mean everything.
• Check in repeatedly: The initial wave of support often fades just when the chaos settles down and the grief starts to really set in, says Feinglos. Keep checking in weeks and even months later. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and long-term support makes a real difference.
• Be patient: Grief doesn’t have a timeline. It’s not so much a state, as a process. Don’t pressure the person to “move on” or “get back to normal.” Healing takes time, and what they need most is your understanding and patience.

Cancel culture (aka “canceling”) is a form of boycott that involves removing support for a person, organization, product, brand, or anything else due to an issue that a community or group disapproves of or finds offensive. It can involve a variety of actions, including boycotting or group shaming, often via social media.

In short, canceling means that a person or group decides to stop supporting someone or something based on a transgression that is either actual or perceived.

Where Did Cancel Culture Come From?

Although canceling is often used in response to sexist behavior, the term itself appears to originate from sexist humor. One of the earliest references came from the 1991 film New Jack City. Nino Brown (played by Wesley Snipes), referring to a girlfriend, mercilessly states, “Cancel that [expletive]. I’ll buy another one.”

The term gained traction in 2014 thanks to an episode of VH1’s reality show Love and Hip-Hop: New York. In this episode, music executive and record producer Cisco Rosado ended an argument with his girlfriend by saying, “You’re canceled.”

In earlier days, the word “cancel” was often used on social media by members of the Black LGBTQ+ community to show disapproval of another person’s actions. It wasn’t until later that canceling someone involved boycotting them professionally.

Why Do People Get Canceled?

Some of the top reasons cited for canceling include:

• To serve as a teaching moment
• To get the person to consider the consequences of their statements
• To expose racism or sexism
• To get people to think before they speak
• To hold someone accountable for their statements or behaviors

Cancel Culture Examples

• J.K. Rowling, the author of Harry Potter, was canceled after making a comment on Twitter in June of 2020 that offended some members of the transgender community. The tweet in question was retweeted over 95,000 times and drew more than 46,000 comments.
• Mike Lindell, the CEO of MyPillow, was canceled in 2021 after supporting the claims of voter fraud against former President Donald Trump. At least two banks joined in on the canceling in 2022 after phone call recordings were subpoenaed by the January 6 House select committee, ultimately telling Lindell to “leave their bank” as he was a “reputation risk.”
• Chrissy Teigen, a model and bestselling cookbook author, was also canceled in 2021 after several people exposed her for sending “mean tweets,” ultimately causing Teigen to step away from her cleaning supplies company and be replaced in the second season of the Netflix show “Never Have I Ever.”

Is Cancel Culture Ever a Good Thing?

• Cancel culture can help combat wrongdoings and address inequalities. In 2016, for example, many members of the film community boycotted the Oscars because of the lack of diversity among nominees. This helped promote social change and, in 2019, the Oscars set a record for the most nominations for Black directors ever.
• A community that unites for a common cause can be empowering. Knowing that there are others in your community to support your values and beliefs can be a source of support and strength.
• It can also make people think twice before behaving inappropriately or posting potentially offensive thoughts and opinions.

How Cancel Culture Might Affect Mental Health

There are also negative effects of cancel culture, some of which are related to mental health. The impact of cancel culture on mental health depends on whether you are the one being canceled, the canceler, or a bystander.

Effects on the Canceled

Unfortunately, canceling often turns into bullying. Like bullying, if you’ve been canceled, you may feel ostracized, socially isolated, and lonely. And research shows that loneliness is associated with higher anxiety, depression, and suicide rates. 

If you are canceled, it can also feel as if everyone is giving up on you before you’ve even had the chance to apologize (let alone change your behavior). Instead of creating a dialogue to help you understand how your actions hurt others, the cancelers shut off all communication, essentially robbing you of the opportunity to learn and grow from your mistakes. 

Effects on the Canceler

You have the right to set your own boundaries and to decide what uplifts and what offends you. You also have the right to decide to whom and what you give your attention, money, and support.

But canceling the offending person (or brand) doesn’t always cause them to change their beliefs or lead to lasting change. It can even make them dig in their heels in an effort to defend their ego and reputation.

In some cases, canceling has the opposite effect of what was desired. One example is the docuseries “Surviving R. Kelly”. While this TV series prompted many to push for a sex crimes conviction against the musician, it also created a 126% increase in on-demand streams of Kelly’s music the day after the premiere.

Effects on the Bystander

Cancel culture doesn’t just affect the canceled and the cancelers. It can also wreak havoc on onlookers’ mental health.

After seeing so many people being canceled, some bystanders are plagued with fear. They become overwhelmed with anxiety that people will turn on them if they fully express themselves. This can cause them to keep their thoughts bottled up instead of talking about and working through their opinions and emotions.

Bystanders might also worry that others will find something in their pasts to use against them. Or they may fear that every word they say or write is going to be examined under a microscope and construed as offensive, even if it wasn’t meant to be.

So, instead of saying how they feel about an event or situation, bystanders may choose to remain silent. This can lead them to be weighed down with guilt long after the event or situation has passed—guilt for not standing up for someone else when they had the chance.

Ways to Protect Your Mental Health Online

Though you can’t control how others behave, you can control your own behavior (as well as how you respond to negativity). Here are some actions you can take to help protect your mental health with regard to cancel culture:

• Avoid posting when your emotions are heightened. Try not to post when you’re feeling overly emotional. If someone says or does something that pushes your buttons, don’t rush to your keyboard. Instead, take a few deep breaths and give yourself time to calm down. While you may forget what you said or wrote a day, week, or month from now, the internet never forgets.
• Have others review your post first. Sometimes it’s hard to recognize when our own words may come across as offensive or aggressive. Having someone else review your posts first can help bring any potential issues to your attention. This gives you the opportunity to avoid sharing thoughts or opinions that could inadvertently hurt someone else.
• If you were wrong, apologize. If you were canceled for saying or doing something and now feel bad about it, apologize. But before you do, give yourself time to craft a genuine, well-thought-out response (this also gives time for the attention to die down). Then, when you’re ready, share your apology. It might not be accepted by everyone. But if it’s from the heart, some people will recognize this and allow it to soften their views of you—or at least reduce their desire to make you their top public enemy.
• Try to see the other side. If someone speaks out against you, your first reaction may be to dig in and stand your ground. However, you may get further by trying to truly understand how your words or actions may have hurt or offended someone else. Gaining this understanding can bridge the communication gap. It can also help keep you from making the same mistake again.
• Spend less time online. It’s okay to take a break from social media. Unplugging every now and then may help improve your mental health. One study found that cutting back on social media use decreases loneliness and depression.
• Talk to someone. If you’re experiencing cancel culture firsthand and are not sure how to recover, consider reaching out to someone you trust, such as a family member or close friend. If you’re not comfortable talking to someone you know, you can also seek professional help. Having someone to confide in can make a huge difference in the way you feel.

Can You Avoid Being Canceled?

• Think of others: Everyone has different backgrounds, experiences, and beliefs. Although yours has caused you to view the world one way, not everyone has that same view. Being aware of this (and open-minded) can help keep you from saying or doing something that makes you a target.
• Consider how others will view it: It’s also helpful to remember that you don’t have to intend to offend in order to offend. Perception becomes reality, so if someone perceives your words or actions as offensive, it doesn’t matter what you intended. The damage is done.
• Apologize if you make a mistake: Instead of trying to convince others that you didn’t mean to offend them, recognize that they are offended and work to find ways to move forward. Learn from the experience and use it to help you become a stronger, more caring, and empathetic person.