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Asexuality is a sexual orientation where a person experiences little to no sexual attraction to others. While some asexual people may have no interest in sex, others might still engage in sexual activity for various reasons, including self-pleasure, curiosity, or connection. Asexuality exists on a spectrum, so each person’s experiences can look different.

It’s important to note that asexuality is not considered the same as abstaining from sex for religious or philosophical reasons. People who are celibate may still experience sexual attraction and desire, but not act on them. Asexuality refers to a lack of sexual attraction itself.

Signs You May Be Asexual

To help you determine whether or not you might be asexual, consider whether you’ve experienced any of the following:

• You can see that others are conventionally attractive, but you rarely (if ever) experience a sexual attraction toward them.
• You have little to no desire to engage in sexual encounters with others, including your romantic partner.
• You have little to no desire to masturbate.
• You engage in sexual intimacy, but you do not enjoy it.
• You engage in sexual intimacy, but you rarely initiate it.
• You rarely think about sex.
• You do not find sexual intimacy—or even the thought of it—rewarding, exciting, interesting, or important.
• You have a difficult time identifying with other sexual orientations, including heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, and pansexuality.
• You have little to no desire even to be involved in a romantic relationship (aromantic).
• You’ve felt a combination of any of the above for an ongoing period of time, perhaps since adolescence.

Sometimes a person’s asexuality isn’t immediately obvious to themselves. This is partially because it isn’t as widely discussed as heterosexuality or homosexuality, and so there is a lack of understanding around the topic. Some don’t even realize that asexuality exists as a sexual orientation.

As mentioned above, every asexual person is different. It’s helpful to think of asexuality as a spectrum, and to consider whether you fall anywhere on that spectrum versus fitting into an exact definition.

Is Asexuality Considered a Choice?

There are two primary philosophies in regard to asexuality. The first is that it is a sexual orientation in the same way heterosexuality and homosexuality are orientations. The LGBTQ+ community recognizes asexuality as its own orientation.

The second philosophy is that someone who identifies as asexual is experiencing a physiological abnormality, such as low libido levels or hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD).

Demisexual and Graysexual

The terms demisexual and asexual are often conflated. While tangentially related, the two orientations are actually very different from one another. Someone who is demisexual does experience sexual desire toward others and enjoy sexual intimacy, but only after a strong emotional bond has been established.

Demisexuality technically falls on the asexual spectrum, along with graysexuality which is characterized as someone who does experience sexual desire and attraction, but infrequently and/or with low intensity.

Asexuality Vs. Temporary Lack of Libido

One of the key differences between asexuality and a general lack of libido (also referred to as a low sex drive) is how long the feelings last with either. Many who identify as asexual have felt the way they do for a long period of time, sometimes as early as their adolescence.

A libido drop later in life is often not the same as being of an asexual orientation. Common causes of low libido include mental health distress such as anxiety, stress, and depression, certain medications and supplements, underlying illness, steroid use, and hormonal changes and imbalances.

In some cases, a low sex drive might also be the result of trauma, including sexual abuse, physical abuse, rape, attempted rape, sex shaming, and other negative sexual experiences. This is something to speak about with a therapist or other mental health care professional, who can help you heal from past traumas.

How to Explain Your Asexuality

We want to be clear here: You do not owe an explanation of your sexual orientation to anyone. That said, there are times when you might feel compelled to talk to someone about your sexuality.

For example, you may feel you want to discuss your sexual orientation in a romantic partnership, with your closest friends, or with family members. If you desire to explain your asexuality to someone, the best approach is forthright honesty, especially since many aren’t very familiar with the term.

Explain exactly what you feel and don’t feel. If you’re speaking with a romantic partner, be clear about how this might impact your sexual relationship.

Resources for Understanding Asexuality

Having a better understanding of your own sexual orientation, and even putting a soft label on it, can perhaps put you on a path of better understanding yourself.

This might lead to increased self-esteem and generally more clarity in who you are and how you navigate life and relationships. In some cases, a lack of sexual desire is the result of low libido or past traumas, and it is worth exploring those paths if you think either might be affecting your sexual desire and attraction.

If you’d like to continue learning more about asexuality, we recommend checking out the following books:

• Understanding Asexuality
• The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality
• Let’s Talk About Love

In addition, there are plenty of online resources available where asexual-identifying individuals can find others who may be having similar experiences. It is worth a Google search to find such organizations, as well as searching for networks in your area that may be able to connect you with other asexual-identifying people.

Remember, you are not alone in your experiences and your feelings.

If your partner cheated on you, one major question is whether or not you should share this with your kids—and if so, how to do it. Whether to share this information depends on several factors, including your child’s age and maturity, and their existing awareness of the situation. It’s important to consider this question carefully and compassionately.

Understanding the Impact of Divorce on Children

Divorce is a challenging life transition for children, even when it ends up being a good decision for your family in the long run.

“I have witnessed complicated family dynamics where the children feel a sense of relief following a divorce, and conversely, I have seen when children are completely rocked by the news of their parents separating,” shares Caitlin Severin, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder at CultivaTeen Roots.

Infidelity adds another layer of complexity. “When there is cheating involved, the children often struggle with feelings of betrayal, mistrust, and even loyalty conflicts,” says Severin.

“Depending on the age of the children, reactive behaviors and trust challenges within their own relationships outside of the family can follow learning about infidelity in their parents’ relationship.”

On the other hand, younger children may not fully grasp the concepts, even if they can intuitively sense the tense dynamics, blame, and secrecy, Severin adds.

Deciding What to Tell the Children

Whether or not to tell your child your partner cheated depends on several factors, including:

• The child’s age
• The child’s emotional development
• The dynamics between you and your ex

“This is one of the most common and delicate questions I get for families in similar situations,” says Aja Chavez, AMFT, associate marriage and family therapist and executive director of adolescent services at AMFM Healthcare.

As a general principle, Chavez says that whatever you decide, you don’t need to share the full details, especially with younger children. The most important question to ask yourself is: What does my child actually need to know to feel safe and supported?

Consider the pros and cons of discussing your partner’s infidelity with your kids, Chavez says. “Pros of sharing (in an age-appropriate way) can include modeling honesty and validating their confusion,” she says.

And what about the cons? “If it’s shared out of anger or to shift blame, it can make children feel like they have to ‘choose sides’ or carry emotional weight that isn’t theirs to begin with.”

Guidelines for Communicating With Children

Whether you talk about the infidelity directly or not, it’s important to talk to your children about your divorce, and to do so in a measured and thoughtful way.

How to Prepare for the Conversation

Severin recommends the following to prepare for the conversation:

• Ensure you’re calm and open to hearing your child’s perspective.
• If it’s safe and possible, discuss the conversation beforehand with your ex, and come up with a plan together for how to manage it.
• Be ready to answer questions honestly, but as simply as possible.
• Prepare to validate your child’s feelings during the conversation.
• Prepare to reinforce the decision to divorce and emphasize that any factors that led to the split were not the fault of your children.

Tips for Maintaining a Calm and Supportive Environment

Chavez shares some key tips for navigating the conversation so your child feels supported and loved:

• Get yourself grounded, which might include deep breathing right before the chat. “Kids take their cues from you,” Chavez notes. “If you’re calm and composed, they’re more likely to feel the same.”
• Start by emphasizing that what you are discussing are “grown-up” issues, and what happened in the divorce has nothing to do with your child. Emphasize that your child is safe and deeply loved.
• Use clear and easy-to-understand language while talking to your child.
• If you choose to mention infidelity, do it without many details and blame. Consider saying something like: “There was a break in trust between us, and we’ve decided not to stay married. That decision is between us as adults, and it’s not something you caused or could’ve changed.”

What to Say and What to Avoid

Overall, when it comes to sharing that infidelity was part of the divorce, less is more, says Chavez.

“Sharing the essence, not the evidence, works well,” she says. Children—especially young ones—don’t need to know names of others involved, how long the cheating went on for, or any other intimate details.

“They need reassurance that while something serious happened between the adults, they are still safe, loved, and not responsible for any of it,” she advises.

When discussing infidelity, strictly avoid any language that vilifies one partner, “That may feel justified in the moment, but it creates long-term emotional confusion for the child,” Chavez stresses.

Supporting Children Through the Transition

Divorce comes with lots of complicated emotions for kids. Their life will also be shaken up in many ways.

To support your child through this. Chavez recommends:

• Keep showing up for your child—just being there for them is huge.
• Consistency, routine, and emotional availability also go a long way.
• Let your children express what they’re feeling, even if it’s anger or sadness directed at you.
• Stay open—keep the door to communication wide.
• Normalize that it’s OK—and completely normal—to have big feelings.

For younger kids, Severin recommends coming up with a “transitional object,” which may be a toy, a stuffed animal, or some other meaningful object. “Having a ‘transitional object’ can be hugely beneficial for littles if they are moving back and forth between one house and another,” she says.

Seeking Professional Help

You don’t have to do this alone. Many children need professional mental health support to get through divorce.

“If your child shows ongoing changes in behavior (withdrawal, aggression, regression), trouble at school, or difficulty sleeping or eating, it’s a good idea to bring in a therapist,” says Chavez. “This neutral person can help them make sense of their world in a safe space.”