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Passive-aggressive behavior can make friendship confusing. One second, you’re clinking glasses of espresso martinis over gossip. The next, you’re exchanging clipped text messages and what you think might be slight barbs.

It is easy to notice when a stranger causes offense, but when a prickly comment comes wrapped in a smile, it’s a bit harder to uncover. But that’s where we come in.

What Are Some Passive-Aggressive Red Flags? 

There are ~many~ passive-aggressive behaviors from ghosting to constant excuses. Here are some of the most common:

Inconsistent Communication

It’s the sign of all signs. When their words don’t match their actions, chances are they’re being passive-aggressive.

For example, if they invite you to join them at the last minute, accept your invitation but show up egregiously late, or accidentally forget to text you an address, they might be engaging in what Dr. Brook labels “subtle sabotage.” 

In essence, it’s “refusing to talk about what’s bothering them (even if you ask directly) but continuing to give you the cold shoulder or punish you for what they think you are doing wrong,” says Owens.

Going Along to Get Along

Someone might say they’re OK with you choosing to watch part two of “Emily in Paris” instead of going out, but their actions might indicate otherwise. Instead of communicating their feelings, they’ll shut down and start displaying passive-aggressive behaviors like talking in a droll tone or procrastinating.

“Some people will take the road of agreement just to avoid the conflict,” licensed therapist and wellness coach Shavon Terrel Camper says. “But they have this other undertone of, like, I don’t want to be here, and I don’t want to be doing this.” 

The Use of Unkind “Jokes” 

Pay attention to digs that come covered in giggles. When your friend throws out a sneak diss in the form of a joke, “they’re expressing anger and resentment in ways that are massed by humor,” Dr. Brook says. She calls this behavior “veiled hostility.” 

Their Face Is Unfriendly 

Sudden shifts in behavior can indicate passive-aggressiveness from a friend. Sometimes, this behavior isn’t borderline rude comments or heaps of poorly timed sarcasm but microexpressions.

“There are non-verbal cues to it,” Camper says. “They may smile, but it’s like it’s not a real smile; it’s just a cover-up smile.” 

What It Says About Your Friendship

Small slips of a sharp tongue can indicate what someone really thinks about your connection in a split instant. But since you’re not prepared for unkindness from a friend, it can leave you so confused you’re tempted to question your reaction to the sting. 

“You’re like, wait, was that just me thinking that that was mean, or was that actually mean?” Dr Brook says.

Their refusal to directly engage with what’s bothering them leads to harmful behavior. Even when the method is subtle, being on the receiving end of passive-aggression hurts. 

Are All Types Of Passive-Aggression Equal? 

Research shows that, while passive-aggression is a personality trait, it’s not an automatic mode for everyone. Some people are used to passive-aggressive behaviors because of how they grew up.

Then, there are others who are acting passive-aggressively because of circumstances. For example, if you and your friend have a typically stable relationship with no conflict but suddenly, they’re displaying passive-aggressive behaviors, something deeper might be going on, Dr. Cook says.

“Context is really important,” she adds. Your friend might be acting out because “they have a big stressor in their life.” This can include major life changes like switching jobs, getting divorced, planning a wedding, having a child, or relocating. Consider their situations before confronting them, as it could indicate their intentions.

What’s the Difference Between Passive-Aggression and Miscommunication?

The biggest difference between passive-aggression and miscommunication is intention. A passive-aggressive person is attempting to hurt you with their action or inaction, while someone miscommunicating may have accidentally (the keyword is accidentally) nicked your feelings. 

“Miscommunication is accidental and it happens when you aren’t able to express what you really mean or the person you are talking to misunderstands what you were trying to say,” says Hannah Owens, licensed clinical social worker and Verywell Mind editor.

Passive-aggressive, on the other hand, is “usually intentional, or at least, avoiding talking about your problems is intentional,” she notes. “Sometimes, a person has learned passive-aggressive behavior from their family and has internalized it, so they might not be aware that they are doing it.”

How to Tell the Difference

You can usually tell one’s intention by their tone. If their tone seems genuine, then their intention typically reflects that. A person engaging in passive-aggression behaviors, however, will have a frustrated or slightly exasperated voice.

And if you can’t gauge someone’s tone or intention, ask them questions. Dr. Brook recommends the following:

• What’s the intention behind it?
• Is the intention to be supportive, or is the intent to harm?

When Is Passive-Aggression Worth Confronting? 

If you value a relationship deeply, it can be worth confronting one’s passive-aggressive behavior in a positive manner. But only if it’s safe to do so. “It’s better to try to get things out in the open and talk about your problems rather than continuing to put up with (or to perpetuate) passive-aggression,” Owens explains.

How Can You Positively Confront Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Talking to a passive-aggressive person can be a huge headache. No one wants to hear ”I’m fine” repeatedly when everyone knows they’re! not! fine! Frustrating, right? But there are tips that make confronting your PA friend *much* easier—here are a few:

• Speak for yourself: Dr. Brook recommends using “I” statements to call out the behavior. Speak to your experiences. “I always tell people to focus on themselves and not place blame on the other person,” she says. 
• Get to the root of the issue: Research shows that uncovering the origin of their hostility can help alleviate any resentment or underlying feelings. “Tell the person how their behavior is making you feel, and say that you want to work together to solve the problem,” Owens says.
• Avoid matching their energy: When somebody starts “acting funny,” it’s human nature to want to be hilarious in return, but going tit for tat is not a strong strategy. Do not whisper to your mutual friends about the shift in their demeanor. Take it to them directly. 
• Consider cutting your losses:  When someone is being passive-aggressive and they have no desire to shift the way they interact with you, it’s hurtful and disappointing. You can not control them, though. You need to control the way you deal with them. That might mean walking away. 

Confidence refers to your belief in your ability to handle challenges and succeed, whether in life generally or in specific situations. Research suggests it’s important for health and well-being. Most of us probably want to be a little more confident, but it’s easy to lose confidence if you feel you’ve made a mistake or failed.

That’s why actively learning how to be more confident is crucial. In other words, you have to believe in yourself. Being more confident involves avoiding comparison, seeking positive influences, using positive self-talk, and setting realistic goals, among other things.

“The doubt that comes with second-guessing yourself has both internal and external repercussions,” explains Hannah Owens, LMSW. “Confidence not only affects you and how you feel about yourself, but it also communicates to others that you are trustworthy and capable—which can be helpful both socially and at work.”

1. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Do you compare how you look to people you follow on Instagram? Or maybe you compare your salary to what your friend earns. Social comparison theory explains that making comparisons is natural. But it isn’t likely to help boost your self-confidence. It may even have the opposite effect. 

A 2018 study published in Personality and Individual Differences found a direct link between envy and the way we feel about ourselves. Specifically, researchers noted that when people compare themselves to others, they experience envy. And the more envy they have, the worse they feel about themselves.

How do you build self-confidence when you notice that you are drawing comparisons?

• First, remind yourself that doing so isn’t helpful. Everyone is running their own race, and life isn’t a competition.
• If you’re feeling envious of someone else’s life, it’s also helpful to remember your own strengths and successes.
• Keep a gratitude journal to recall the areas in life where you are blessed. This can help you focus on your own life rather than the lives of others.

“Social media is especially nefarious in this way,” says Owens. “It is a system practically designed to foster comparison. But remembering that people generally only post the very best and the very worst of their experiences can help you celebrate your daily victories, which can boost your confidence.”

2. Surround Yourself With Positive People

Take a moment and think about how your friends make you feel. Do they lift you up, or do they bring you down? Are they constantly judging you, or do they accept you for who you are? 

The people you spend time with can influence your thoughts and attitudes about yourself, perhaps more than you realize. So, pay attention to how others make you feel. If you feel bad about yourself after hanging out with a particular person, it may be time to say goodbye. 

Instead, surround yourself with people who love you and want the best for you. Seek out others who are positive and can help build your confidence. Self-confidence and a positive attitude go hand-in-hand.

3. Take Care of Your Body

This tip for how to be more confident is based on the idea that it’s hard to feel good about yourself if you’re abusing your body. When you practice self-care, you know you’re doing something positive for your mind, body, and spirit—and you’ll naturally feel more confident as a result.

Here are a few self-care practices linked to higher levels of self-confidence:

• Diet: Healthy eating comes with many benefits, including higher levels of confidence and self-esteem. When you fuel your body with nutrient-dense foods, you feel healthier, stronger, and more energized, which can result in feeling better about yourself.
• Exercise: Studies consistently show that physical exercise boosts self-confidence. For instance, a 2016 study found that regular physical activity improved participants’ body image. And when their body image improved, they felt more confident.
• Meditation: More than just a relaxation practice, meditation can help boost self-confidence in several ways. For one, it helps you to recognize and accept yourself. Meditation also teaches you to stop negative self-talk and disconnect from unhelpful mental chatter, interfering with your confidence.
• Sleep: Skimping on sleep can affect your emotions. Good-quality sleep has been linked with better mental health.

“Taking care of your body doesn’t just mean looking good,” explains Owens. “When you make yourself and your self-care a priority, you are projecting to the world that you matter—which convinces others to feel the same way about you.”

4. Be Kind to Yourself

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness when you make a mistake, fail, or experience a setback. It allows you to become more emotionally flexible and helps you better navigate challenging emotions, enhancing your connection to yourself and others.

A 2015 study found that self-compassion and self-confidence were connected. So the next time you’re in a challenging situation, recognize that being imperfect or falling short at times is a part of being human. Do your best to navigate these experiences with compassion toward yourself.

5. Practice Positive Self-Talk

Negative self-talk can limit your abilities and lessen your self-confidence by convincing your subconscious that you “can’t handle” something or that it is “too hard” and you “shouldn’t even try.” Self-talk that is optimistic, on the other hand, can foster self-compassion and help you overcome self-doubt and take on new challenges.

The next time you begin to think that you have no business speaking up in a meeting or that you are too out of shape to work out, remind yourself that your thoughts aren’t always accurate. Then find a way to turn those thoughts around into more positive self-talk.

Here are a few examples of ways to challenge pessimistic self-talk and reframe your thoughts into a more positive way of thinking, increasing your self-confidence along the way:

• “I can’t handle this” or “This is impossible” becomes “I can do this” or “All I have to do is try.”
• “I can’t do anything right” becomes “I can do better next time” or “At least I learned something.”
• “I hate public speaking” becomes “I don’t like public speaking” and “Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.”

6. Face Your Fears

Stop putting things off until you feel more self-confident—like asking someone on a date or applying for a promotion. One of the best ways to build your confidence in these situations is by facing your fears head-on.

Practice facing some of your fears that stem from a lack of self-confidence. If you’re afraid you’ll embarrass yourself or think you’ll mess up, try anyway. A little self-doubt can even help improve performance. Tell yourself it’s just an experiment and see what happens.

“This is, of course, easier said than done,” says Owens, “but even small victories can help. Consider this a kind of exposure therapy. Even a little progress is still progress!”

7. Do Things You’re Good At

What happens when you do things that you are good at? Your self-confidence starts to soar. Your strengths become even stronger, which helps improve your belief in yourself. Taking this approach also has another benefit: It can increase how satisfied you are with your life.

Research suggests that building personal strengths is associated with higher life satisfaction levels. This starts with identifying those strengths. Then, work to make them stronger by engaging with them regularly.

If you’re good at a certain sport, for instance, make it a point to train or play at least once a week. If you’re good at a particular task at work, try to do that task more often. Building on your strengths can also help you build your self-confidence.

8. Know When to Say No

While doing things you’re good at can boost your self-confidence, it’s equally important to recognize situations that can cause it to plummet. Maybe you find that every time you participate in a certain activity, you feel worse about yourself instead of better.

Saying no to activities that tend to zap your self-confidence is okay. Certainly, you don’t want to avoid doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable because discomfort is often part of the personal growth process. At the same time, there’s nothing wrong with knowing your boundaries and sticking to them.

Setting social and emotional boundaries enables you to feel safer psychologically. It can also help you feel more in control. Self-confidence is, in part, feeling like you have control over your life. Boundaries help establish this feeling of control.

The next time someone suggests doing something that you know will lower your self-confidence, respectfully decline. You don’t have to avoid that activity forever, either. Once you learn how to be more confident, you may feel strong enough to try it again—without hurting the confidence you have in yourself.

9. Set Realistic Goals

Pursuing your goals often involves failing several times until you figure out what works. This can make you wonder if you have what it takes to succeed. It can also leave you questioning how to be more confident while still achieving your dreams. The answer lies in setting realistic goals.

Setting high-reaching goals and failing to achieve them has been found to damage confidence levels. Conversely, realistic goals are achievable. And the more you achieve your goals, the greater your confidence in yourself and your abilities.

To set realistic goals:

• Write down what you want to achieve.
• Ask yourself what chance you have of attaining it. (Be honest!)
• If the answer is slim to none, the goal may be a bit too lofty.
• Dial it back so it is more realistic and more achievable.

This may require doing a bit of research on your part. For instance, if you have a goal to lose weight, experts recommend losing one to two pounds per week for healthy, long-term weight loss. Knowing this helps you set a goal in line with this guideline, boosting your self-confidence when you hit it.

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Confidence vs. Insecurity

When learning how to be more confident, it can be helpful to understand how someone with self-confidence is different from someone who is more insecure. Here are just some of the differences between the two.

Being More Confident Has a Lot of Benefits

Being confident in yourself just feels good. That said, having self-confidence can also bring many additional benefits at home, at work, and within your relationships. Here’s a look at a few of the positive effects of learning how to be confident:

• Better performance: Rather than waste time and energy worrying that you aren’t good enough, you can devote your energy to your efforts. Ultimately, you’ll perform better when you have more self-confidence.
• Healthier relationships: Having self-confidence not only impacts how you feel about yourself, but it helps you better understand and love others. It also gives you the strength to walk away from a relationship if you’re not getting what you want or deserve.
• Openness to try new things: When you believe in yourself, you’re more willing to try new things. Whether you apply for a promotion or sign up for a cooking class, putting yourself out there is a lot easier when you have confidence in yourself and your abilities.
• Resilience: Believing in yourself can enhance your resilience or ability to bounce back from any challenges or adversities you face in life.
• Greater success: A healthy level of self-confidence can help you become more successful in your personal and professional life. Research has found, for example, that more confident people tend to achieve more academically. Your level of confidence even affects how you present yourself to others.

Everyone struggles with confidence issues at one time or another. Fortunately, in many cases, learning how to act confidently can actually help you feel more confident.

“This is similar to the adage that the physical act of smiling can trick your brain into feeling happier,” says Owens. “If you exude confidence, even when you don’t feel that way, others will treat you differently, which will boost your confidence—and thus the cycle continues.”