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Gender Schema Theory and Roles in Culture
Key Takeaways
- Gender schema theory suggests that children learn gender roles from their culture.
- Gender schemas can lead to discrimination and stereotyping based on cultural expectations.
- The Bem Sex-Role Inventory is a tool used to measure how people identify with masculine and feminine traits.
Gender schema theory was introduced by psychologist Sandra Bem in 1981 and asserted that children learn about male and female roles from the culture in which they live. According to the theory, children adjust their behavior to align with the gender norms of their culture from the earliest stages of social development.
Gender schema theory proposes that the ideas we have about gender (our schemas) are shapes through the cultures in which we live. This theory has played a major role in our understanding of how gender expectations are socially and culturally constructed.
The theory continues to inform researchers as they investigate discrimination, stereotyping, marginalized populations, and mental health.
Knowing more about how your gender schemas are formed can also help you have a better idea about how your beliefs impact your behavior and how you interact with the world.
Origins of Gender Schema Theory
Bem’s theory was influenced by the cognitive revolution of the 1960s and 1970s and her desire to remedy what she believed to be shortcomings in the psychoanalytic and social learning theories of the time.
Freudian theories, she suggested, were too focused on the influence of anatomy on gender development.
Instead, Bem proposed that a child’s cognitive development combined with societal influences largely influence the patterns of thought (schema) that dictate “male” and “female” traits.
Cultural Influences on Gender Schema
Gender schemas have an impact not only on how people process information but on the attitudes and beliefs that direct “gender-appropriate” behavior.
Culture Influences Gender Role Expectations
For example, a child who lives in a very traditional culture might believe that a woman’s role is in the caring and raising of children, while a man’s role is in work and industry.
Through these observations, children form schema related to what men and women can and cannot do.
Culture Influences How People Are Valued
It also dictates a person’s value and potential in that culture. For example, a girl raised in a traditional culture might believe that the only path available to her as a woman is to get married and raise kids. By contrast, a girl raised in a more progressive culture might pursue a career, avoid having children, or decide not to get married.
Cultural Influences Can Be Overt or Subtle
Many of these influences are overt, while others are more subtle. For instance, even the placement of gender titles in vocabulary (“how men and women are meant to behave”) inherently places women in a secondary position by rule. All of these influences add up to how gender schema is formed.
Researchers note that gender schemas are often prone to exaggerations and errors. Such errors can be influenced by culture, but they often stem from a child’s observations, experiences, and interests.
Consequences of Nonconformity
Within this construct, men and women are tacitly aware of the consequences of not adhering to the cultural norm. A woman who decides to pursue a career, for example, might be considered “abrasive” or “bossy” in traditional culture or be considered “unfair” or “disrespectful” to her husband if she doesn’t take his last name.
On the flip side, even in more progressive societies, men may be subject to disapproval for being the stay-at-home parent, while a woman may be described as “old-fashioned” or “backward” if she adheres to a more traditional “housewife” role.
When subjected to societal disapproval, people will often feel pressured to alter their behavior or face rejection by those who disapprove of them.
Categories in Gender Schema Theory
According to Bern’s theory, people fall into one of four different gender categories:
Gender-schematic individuals are more likely to see the world in terms of gender and regulate their behavior according to those expectations. Gender-aschematic people, on the other hand, don’t place the same emphasis on gender, which means they are less likely to see the world through that lens.
Rationale and Criticism of Gender Schema Theory
In her writings, Bem believed that gender schemas were limiting for men, women, and society as a whole.
Raising children free from these stereotypes and limitations, she believed, would lead to greater freedom and fewer restrictions of free will.
Critics of Bem’s theory say that she portrayed individuals simply as passive bystanders in the development of gender schemas and ignored the complex forces that contribute to the construction of gender.
Bem’s Sex-Role Inventory
In addition to the gender schema theory, Bem created a questionnaire known as the Bem Sex-Role Inventory (BRSI). The inventory consists of 60 different words that are either masculine, feminine, or gender-neutral.
The BSRI was first developed in 1974 and has since become one of the most widely used psychological assessment tools in the world.
When taking the test, respondents are asked to rate how strongly they identify with each characteristic. Rather than simply categorizing people as masculine or feminine, the inventory presents both traits as part of a continuum.
Individuals can rank high on one gender or low on another (sex-typed). They can also rank high on both masculine and feminine traits (androgynous).
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Video Games as Stress Relievers
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Key Takeaways
- Video games can help reduce stress and increase positive emotions.
- Cooperative gameplay often results in greater stress relief than competitive games.
- Games can improve coping skills by helping people become aware of their feelings.
Video games aren’t just fun and entertaining; some evidence suggests that they can actually be helpful for stress relief. While video games often get negative attention from people who suggest they make kids less social and more aggressive, there is mounting evidence that these interactive games can also have mental health benefits.
Research on the Connection Between Gaming and Stress
Most gamers report that playing video games—even violent games—is a way to relieve stress and enjoy playing with friends. Some evidence has even found that many commercially available video games can be helpful in the treatment of mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.
However, much of the research on video games comes with the presumption that games are stressful or psychologically harmful. While this isn’t the whole story, some evidence supports this assumption.
There is a large body of research suggesting that playing violent video games is positively associated with increased scores on measures of aggression. However, there is still a great deal of debate over how this translates to actual real-world behavior. Many lab studies demonstrating this increased aggression look at thoughts and language but not actual behaviors.
One study found that teens who played violent games experienced minimal increases in feelings of aggression, though the increases were barely detectable; teen girls experienced a slight increase in stress.
Research suggests that video games’ impact on the stress response is complex and can vary depending on the type of game played. Fighting games are associated with increased physical stress markers (like elevated blood pressure) compared to puzzle games, but they are also associated with higher self-reported positive emotions.
How Video Games Can Help Relieve Stress
Much of the research that has found a link between video game violence and aggression does not actually show a clear link between exposure to in-game violence and real-world aggression.
For example, most video game players do not walk around blasting strangers with loud noises after playing their games; this is mainly found in lab settings where subjects are asked to do so.
Similarly, while there may be some stress responses triggered by games, overall self-assessments provided by gamers failed to show a link between problems with social life, academic behavior, work behavior, or physical reactions (stress). This suggests that, if there is a negative effect, gamers themselves are not aware of it and its effects on their lives.
Cooperative Games Can Decrease Stress Levels
One study examined players as they played either competitive or cooperative games. As predicted, there was a difference in stress levels after playing, and those who played cooperatively experienced a greater decrease in stress levels, but the difference was slight—both groups experienced decreases in stress by playing the game.
In addition, both groups retained positive feelings toward the other players, though there was slightly higher regard for those who were cooperative. This is another way in which video games can provide positive social experiences and a decrease in stress.
Video Games vs. Meditative Interventions
One study compared the stress-relieving effects of playing a simple casual video game to the effects of participating in a mindfulness meditation session. Both groups experienced significant reductions in stress following the intervention.
While participants in the mindfulness meditation group experienced slightly greater stress relief, the researchers suggested that the effects were very similar. Given the popularity of video games, researchers suggest that these tools can be an effective intervention for people coping with stress.
Video games may be a particularly appealing stress reliever for teens, students, young adults, and others who enjoy playing games on computers, tablets, or gaming consoles.
How We Can Use Video Games for Better Stress Relief
Overall, there is significant evidence that video games are not only fun, but they can be great stress relievers as well for many reasons. Video games can support stress relief by increasing emotional awareness and helping people respond in ways that improve coping and goal-achievement.
Video Games Can Improve Emotional Awareness
There is evidence that video games can provide a safe and fun outlet for developing our emotional awareness and coping skills. One study from the Behavioral Science Institute in The Netherlands studied proficient gamers playing Starcraft 2 to determine if their in-game coping mechanisms were related to their overall stress levels.
They found that several players who became upset during gameplay found useful coping strategies to handle their negative emotions.
The most useful strategies were those that either resolved the negative feelings (either by problem-solving or using personal coping strategies) or sought social support from other players.
Video Games May Boost Interoceptive Awareness
One key difference between those who coped well and those who were less effective copers was the ability to monitor their own feelings and internal states. This ability is known as interoceptive awareness.
By monitoring internal states, people are then able to take steps to maintain a healthy balance. They can do this, either by making beneficial decisions to improve their situation or by seeking support. In fact, most games reward players for managing their emotions and working toward solutions in the face of stress.
Applications for Everyday Life
In understanding what worked best for these gamers, we can use this information in our own lives: developing our interoceptive awareness and using it to maintain emotional balance is vital to healthy coping. Even more importantly, by playing games, we can provide practice scenarios for developing these skills in a non-threatening and fun way, which is one of the advantages of playing games.
Recommended Video Games for Stress Relief
If you are interested in trying video games for stress-relief, it can be helpful to know more about what might help and what you should avoid. Here are some recommended video games to help relieve stress.
Casual Games
These games can be picked up and played for a few minutes and then put down again. They can include simple challenges, short gameplay matches, or the ability to stop and save at any time.
Casual games are enjoyable because they can offer a quick break, a challenging-but-not-stressful experience, and a change in focus. Some casual games include Animal Crossing, Minecraft, Stardew Valley, and the Sims 4.
Cooperative Games
These games involve challenges that can be completed with other players. There are several benefits to this. One of the main benefits is that players can create a network of friends through the game, which can be comforting and may also be empowering. We enjoyed playing games with friends when we were young, and this need doesn’t necessarily go away in adulthood.
Another benefit of cooperative gameplay is that players can help one another, offering symbolic support and enabling one another to develop problem-solving skills. These positive experiences and “wins” can feel empowering and build resilience to stress.
As subjects have reported, cooperative gaming can relieve stress and create positive feelings among players. These games can be played on handheld gaming systems, over the computer, or even via social media sites like Facebook.
Games for Stress-Management
Some games were actually created to help players learn to manage stress more efficiently. While these games aren’t necessarily as “mainstream” as some of the others, they can be especially helpful for stress relief.
Some games train players in meditation while others can even train in biofeedback, helping players build skills in these powerful stress management techniques that can be used in virtually any stressful situation.
There are a number of stress-relief games now available to play on virtual reality (VR) headset devices. Some that you might consider trying on a VR headset include:
Games That Improve Stress Management Skills
Games that teach stress management skills are rare, but there are a few. Some to consider include:
- Relaxing Rhythms by Wild Devine: An older game that teaches biofeedback, which uses finger sensors to provide in-game feedback.
- Muse: A game that uses a “brain-sensing headband,” which provides feedback for meditation: you listen to nature sounds as you meditate, but once your mind begins to wander, the atmospheric nature sounds become more intense until you bring your thoughts back to the present moment. This is a device that seems to fall somewhere between a game and a tool, but it can be enjoyable and more interesting to many new practitioners of meditation.
- Champions of the Shengha: A game that allows players to wear a sensor in real life and become more powerful in the game by remaining calm as they play it, facilitating mindfulness practice.
Champions of the Shengha is a remarkable game in that it encourages the practice of emotional mastery and allows players to become more powerful in the game and in real life. It’s ideal for teens and others who may have a difficult time learning stress management techniques like mindfulness, but love playing games.
Games That Build Skills
These games can build brain power or specific abilities. The benefit is that not only can they help to take your mind off of what is stressing you, they can help you to build executive function abilities that can help you to solve problems and stay organized in your regular life—abilities that can relieve stress!
Skill-building games can be puzzle games (like crossword puzzles that you can play online or on a handheld game device) or they can be games that require quick thinking. This includes games like:
Games You Really Enjoy
Really, any game that you truly enjoy can be a stress reliever. Virtually any game that you find to be truly fun can be beneficial by providing an escape from daily stress, a break from patterns of rumination, or a way to build positive feelings. Play, tune into your feelings during and after you play, and see what you enjoy the most!
Recap
The bottom line is that if you enjoy a game, it is probably a good stress reliever for you. Games with a strong social component, particularly a cooperative one, may be especially beneficial as stress-relief tools.
It’s important to remember that video games can also be time-consuming or even addictive, so be careful about that. If you struggle to control how much time you spend playing video games or if playing is causing problems in other areas of your life, consider looking for a different stress relief technique.
For obvious reasons, finding a game that doesn’t require a huge time investment and allows for casual involvement (rather than carrying a stiff penalty if you need to quit a game after a certain amount of time or play only for limited amounts of time) may also be less stressful.
Ultimately, pay attention to how you feel during and after you play. Make adjustments based on your observations.
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Benefits, Side Effects, and Dosage
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Key Takeaways
- Phosphatidylserine may help improve memory and attention in children with ADHD.
- You can find phosphatidylserine in foods like soybeans, fish, and egg yolks.
- It is important to talk to your doctor before taking phosphatidylserine supplements.
Phosphatidyl-serine (PS) is an acidic phospholipid synthesized in the brain and plays a significant role in brain structure and function. These phospholipids are part of the protective cell membrane and play an important role in transmitting messages between nerve cells in the brain by aiding in neurotransmitter release, synaptic activity, and receptor function. It also reduces neuroinflammation, which is a contributing factor in many central nervous system diseases.
PS synthesis can be disrupted by various means and is thought to decrease with age. This may be one of the factors linked with neurodevelopmental diseases (like ADHD and autism spectrum disorders) and neurodegenerative diseases (like Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s).
Read on to learn about the benefits of phosphatidylserine, and how to maintain PS levels in your brain through food and dietary supplements. We will share research outcomes on dietary aids, recommended dosage, and possible side effects.
The Potential Mental Health Benefits of Phosphatidylserine
PS is believed to play a role in mood regulation, restorative sleep, and cognitive functions, such as attention, focus, processing speed, and memory. High levels of PS are found in the hippocampus (a structure in the brain responsible for learning and memory). These phospholipids are also known to enhance exercise performance with faster reaction time and reflexes.
Studies in animals suggest that levels decline with age, and food and dietary supplements may counteract this. Likewise, they may help with conditions such as:
The Food and Drug Administration has not formally approved phosphatidylserine for treating any medical conditions; however, it has recognized the small studies that show improvement in cognitive function and has indicated that PS found in food products is generally recognized as safe (GRAS)
Where Do I Find Phosphatidylserine?
Aside from being produced in the brain, PS exists naturally in certain foods, like soybeans, white beans, cabbage, sunflower, fatty fish, organ meats, and egg yolk.
It can also be purchased in pill form wherever vitamins are sold, and there has been a notable uptick in the consumption of supplements like Neuriva and other brain health dietary aids.
Supplements were originally made from PS synthesized in cow brains; however, since the outbreak of mad cow disease, the industry has moved towards more natural methods of producing PS such as soy or soy-free products like sunflower lecithin.
PS can be purchased as an isolated substrate but is often recommended in combination with other supplements like B vitamins, folate, and omega-three fatty acids to be fully effective.
Research on Phosphatidylserine
A handful of studies have explored the health effects of phosphatidylserine supplements. However, many of the studies are small and dated.
May Boost Athletic Performance
Phosphatidylserine supplements may help increase exercise capacity and improve athletic performance. Researchers also found that phosphatidylserine may help decrease muscle soreness and protect against an increase in levels of cortisol, a stress hormone that often occurs as a result of overtraining.
May Improve Memory Loss
Phosphatidylserine is often taken to try to slow age-related memory loss. In a study published in the Journal of Clinical Biochemistry and Nutrition, 78 older people with mild cognitive impairment were assigned to six months of treatment with phosphatidylserine supplements or a placebo.
In tests performed at the end of the six-month period, participants who took phosphatidylserine were found to have experienced a significant improvement in memory.
May Ease Depression
Phosphatidylserine is thought to play a role in helping to regulate mood. In a 2015 study published in Mental Illness, for instance, people over the age of 65 with major depression took a supplement containing phosphatidylserine and the omega-3 fatty acids DHA and EPA three times daily for 12 weeks. At the study’s end, scores on a depression scale had improved.
More research is needed from large-scale, well-designed clinical studies before phosphatidylserine (or DHA) can be recommended for depression. This Mental Illness study, for example, cannot conclude whether phosphatidylserine, DHA, EPA, or the combination of supplements provides benefits.
May Treat ADHD Symptoms
Using phosphatidylserine in combination with omega-3 fatty acids may aid in the treatment of ADHD symptoms in children, suggests a 2012 study published in European Psychiatry. For the study, 200 children with ADHD were assigned to 15 weeks of treatment with either a placebo or a supplement containing phosphatidylserine and omega-3 fatty acids.
Study results revealed that participants treated with the combination of phosphatidylserine and omega-3 fatty acids experienced a significantly greater reduction in hyperactive/impulsive behavior and a greater improvement in mood compared to those given the placebo.
Another study published in 2014 compared phosphatidylserine to placebo in children who had been diagnosed with ADHD. After two months, the treatment group showed significant improvement in auditory memory, inattention, and impulsivity. This was a small study involving only 36 children. More and larger studies need to be performed to further assess safety and efficacy.
May Lower Cortisol Levels
Some studies have shown that phosphatidylserine supplementation reduces the body’s levels of cortisol, a steroid hormone that the body produces in response to stress.
Cortisol also plays a major role in regulating many of the body’s functions. High levels are associated with adverse health effects such as increased blood glucose and blood pressure, so keeping cortisol levels in check is beneficial.
Recap
Although research is limited, some evidence hints that phosphatidylserine may help improve exercise capacity, alleviate muscle soreness, protect memory, regulate mood, and improve symptoms of ADHD. However, further research is needed to explore these possible benefits.
Warnings and Contraindications of Phosphatidylserine
Phosphatidylserine may have a blood-thinning effect. If you take blood-thinning medication such as Coumadin (warfarin), take anti-inflammatory medication, or have blood clotting problems, speak with your doctor before taking phosphatidylserine. Do not take it within two weeks of scheduled surgery.
Phosphatidylserine supplements may also interact with medications used to treat glaucoma, Alzheimer’s disease, antihistamines, and antidepressants. Because additional potential interactions with many medications have not been tested, ask your doctor before using phosphatidylserine.
It is also important to note that supplements, in general, are not tested for safety the same way prescription medications are. The safety of supplements in people who are pregnant or breastfeeding, children, and those with medical conditions or who are taking medications has not been established.
Supplements are not regulated by the Food and Drug Administration, which means that the content of some products may differ from what is specified on the product label. In addition, dosage recommendations on various supplement products differ and may lead to excess intake and side effects.
Recap
The safety of phosphatidylserine supplements is not well established and active ingredients may differ within pill bottles and between brands due to lack of government regulation. It is important to research the brand and manufacturer before purchasing any supplements.
Possible Side Effects of Phosphatidylserine
Phosphatidylserine can have side effects you should be aware of before you take this supplement. You may experience headaches, intestinal gas, stomach upset, or insomnia. It may also interact with other medications.
Always discuss the medications you are taking and other health concerns you may have with a healthcare provider before you begin taking phosphatidylserine.
Phosphatidylserine Dosage and Preparation
A 2015 review article noted that 300 milligrams to 800 milligrams a day of phosphatidylserine are absorbed efficiently in humans, and according to the Natural Medicine Comprehensive Database, the therapeutic dose for memory loss is 100 milligrams taken two or three times per day.
If you’re thinking of taking a supplement containing phosphatidylserine, talk to a healthcare provider about what dosage might be most appropriate for you.
It is always safest to start with the lowest recommended doses and recognize that positive effects can take time. If you take doses on the higher end, especially starting out, you will be more likely to experience the negative side effects.
Gold Standard for Maintaining Mental Health and Cognitive Function
To maintain your memory and brain functioning, a healthy lifestyle is always at the forefront of maintaining cognitive function and preventing neurocognitive disease processes.
- Try keeping your brain active by challenging yourself with new learning opportunities, puzzles, and games.
- Research suggests that physical activity is good for overall brain functioning, prevents brain shrinkage, and can increase the size of the hippocampus, which is important for memory.
- Stress management and mindfulness meditation have also been shown to improve cognitive functioning.
- Healthy sleep patterns are critical in restorative processes that support brain health.
- Eat balanced nutritious meals. The gut-brain connection has proven to play a significant role in mental health and cognitive function.
- Avoid alcohol. In fact, ethanol is disruptive to the synthesis of phosphatidylserine and may be a significant contributor to the decrease in cognitive functioning in people who consume excess amounts of alcohol.
If you’re still thinking of trying phosphatidylserine, be sure to consult your primary care provider first. Avoid self-treating any medical condition as a means of avoiding or delaying standard care.
Frequently Asked Questions
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What foods contain phosphatidylserine?Phosphatidlylserine can be found in organ meats (chicken and beef liver), fatty fish (mackerel and tuna), soybeans (edamame), and white beans. Some other foods, such as eggs and dairy products, contain negligible amounts of phosphatidylserine, but may also add to your daily intake.
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Does Neuriva have side effects?Neuriva is a brain health supplement that contains phosphatidylserine along with other ingredients including folate, vitamin B6, vitamin B12, and coffee fruit extract. Side effects may include stomach upset, sleepiness, or sleep difficulties.
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Who should not take phosphatidylserine?Speak with your doctor before taking phosphatidylserine, especially if you take a blood thinner, antidepressant, antihistamine, or medication for glaucoma or Alzheimer’s disease. The safety of supplements in people who are pregnant or breastfeeding, children, and those with medical conditions or who are taking medications has not been established.
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When should you take phosphatidylserine?Speak with your doctor about the best phosphatidylserine supplementation regimen for you. Generally, experts recommend taking it before bedtime if you’re using it to counteract insomnia, or when cortisol levels are highest (e.g., in the morning and after exercise).
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Top 10 Dating Tips for Guys
Guys, if you want to build a life that is honouring to God and attractive to the right young lady, then take note of these 10 tips.
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How to Apologize Sincerely and Effectively
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Key Takeaways
- A sincere apology starts with taking responsibility for your actions and acknowledging their effects on others.
- Express genuine remorse, don’t make excuses, and explain how you’ll prevent it from happening again.
- The most effective apologies are honest, rebuild trust, and express a real commitment to change.
Knowing how to apologize starts with taking full responsibility for your actions and expressing genuine remorse. A good apology clearly acknowledges what you did wrong, avoids excuses, and focuses on how your behavior affected the other person. To make it more meaningful, explain how you’ll prevent it from happening again and be sure to follow through on that commitment.
1. Take Responsibility
Learning how to apologize starts with taking responsibility for your own actions. Taking responsibility means acknowledging the mistakes you made that hurt the other person. This is one of the most critical and neglected ingredients of most apologies.
- Clearly state what you did wrong without excusing your behavior or trying to blame someone else.
- Accept responsibility by saying things like “I was wrong…” or “This was my fault…”
- Don’t minimize or shift the blame by saying something vague like, “I’m sorry if you were offended by something I said,” which implies that the other person’s hurt feelings were a random reaction.
Instead, saying, “When I said [the hurtful thing], I wasn’t thinking. I realize I hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry,” acknowledges that you know what you said that hurt the other person and takes responsibility for it.
Don’t make assumptions and don’t try to shift the blame. Sincerely apologizing involves making it clear that you regret your actions and that you are truly sorry.
2. Express Remorse and Regret
When learning how to apologize effectively, it’s important to understand the value of expressing regret. Taking responsibility is important, but it’s also helpful for the other person to know that you feel bad about hurting them and wish you hadn’t. That’s it. They already feel bad, and they’d like to know that you feel bad about them feeling bad.
What to Say When You Want to Apologize
- “I wish I could take it back.”
- “I wish I had been more thoughtful.”
- “I wish I’d thought of your feelings as well.”
These are all expressions of regret that add to the sincerity of your apology and let the other person know you care.
3. Make Amends
If there’s anything you can do to amend the situation, do it. It’s important to know how to apologize with sincerity, and part of that sincerity is a willingness to act.
What to Say to Make Amends
- If you broke something: “How can I replace it?”
- If you said something hurtful: “I know my words hurt you. I should never have spoken that way to someone I love and respect. I’ll do my best to think before I speak in the future.”
- If you broke trust: “Is there anything I can do right now to help build your trust?”
Whatever you can do to make things better, do it. If you’re not sure what would help, ask the other person.
4. Know When to Apologize
Knowing when to apologize is as important as knowing how to apologize. You should apologize when:
- You suspect that something you did—on purpose or by accident—caused someone else hard feelings
- When what you did would have bothered you if it were done to you
- When you want the chance to “own” mistakes you made
- When you want to re-establish what you think was okay
If you feel the other person is unreasonable, a discussion may be in order. After that, you can decide where you stand on the apology.
While sincerely apologizing can go a long way toward mending a relationship, people are often unwilling or unable to take this step. Admitting you were wrong can be difficult and humbling.
Researchers have found that people who believe that personality is changeable are more likely to apologize for harmful actions. Because they feel that change is possible, they feel that accepting the blame for their mistakes is an opportunity for learning and growth.
5. Apologize for the Right Reasons
When sincerely apologizing for what you did, you can more easily move forward and put the conflict behind you, regardless of the other person’s actions. When we apologize, we’re able to more easily maintain our integrity and forgive ourselves.
The other person may be moved to apologize for their actions as well. While getting an apology is often nice, it’s important to remember that this doesn’t always happen. Trying to evoke an apology from the other person is a manipulative tactic that sometimes backfires.
Apologize for your own peace of mind and the other person may be inspired to do the same. But be sure not to apologize just because you expect an apology in return.
6. Choose Your Apology Method
Apologies can be spoken in person or delivered in writing:
- Verbal apologies are appropriate under most circumstances, but making amends in writing can also have its benefits.
- Writing out your apology in a letter, email, or even text can give you the time to craft what you want to say thoughtfully. You can make sure you accept responsibility, express remorse, and reaffirm boundaries.
Many people experience discomfort with a face-to-face apology, and while this discomfort alone isn’t a good reason for a written apology, it can be a factor—especially if your discomfort affects your ability to express yourself.
On the other hand, written apologies may be too formal for some mistakes and not personal enough for others. And if the written apology isn’t followed by a response, you may be left with an unresolved conflict.
Keep your apology simple and direct. If you overdo it, you’ll make it about yourself instead of the person you wronged. This can create resentment in the relationship and erode trust.
6. Own Up to Your Part, Not Theirs
Remember that when you apologize, you’re taking responsibility for your part in the conflict. That doesn’t mean that you’re admitting that the entire conflict was your fault. People are often afraid to apologize first because they think whoever apologizes first is “more wrong” or the “loser” of the conflict.
Giving an apology even when only a small part of the conflict was your responsibility is okay and often healthy. It allows you to establish what you regret about your own actions but confirms your boundaries as well.
It’s important to be fair in your apology, both to the other person and to yourself. Don’t accept all the blame if it isn’t all your fault.
7. Reaffirm Boundaries
One of the most important parts of sincerely apologizing—and one of the best reasons to apologize—is to reaffirm boundaries. Healthy boundaries are important in any relationship.
When you come into conflict with someone, often a boundary is crossed. If a social rule is violated or trust is broken, an apology helps to affirm what kind of future behavior is preferred.
Discussing what type of rules you both will adhere to in the future helps rebuild trust, boundaries, and positive feelings. It provides a natural segue out of the conflict and into a happier future in the relationship.
For example, you and your partner, friend, or family member can discuss things you won’t tolerate, such as:
- Disrespect
- Cheating
- Lying
- Gaslighting
- Mistrust
- Shouting
In addition, you can work together to set expectations about how you should treat each other emotionally, physically, and sexually. If you’re having trouble agreeing on these boundaries, you and your loved one may benefit from seeing a family therapist or couples counselor.
8. Let Go of the Outcome (to an Extent)
Although apologizing can be a way to maintain integrity and move on from actions we’re not proud of, most of us also want to repair the relationship and be forgiven. Sometimes this doesn’t happen.
- If the apology was sincere and included the necessary ingredients, your chances of forgiveness are greater.
- Sometimes the other person just isn’t ready or able to forgive and move on.
- They may forgive you but remain guarded.
- They may not be willing or able to recognize their own role in the conflict.
You can’t control their response, and if you’ve done everything you can, let it go for now.
How to Know If Your Apology Was Accepted
In general, you’ll be able to tell if your apology was accepted if the person took the following steps:
- Listened to your apology or acknowledged reading your apology
- Thanked you or showed appreciation for your apology
- Responded to your apology, saying “It’s okay,” “Please don’t ever do that again,” or even “Thanks, but I still need more time to think”
It’s important to remind yourself that even if someone accepts your apology, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re ready to forgive you. True forgiveness may take some time, so stay calm and be patient.
Press Play for Advice On Making an Apology
Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares ways to apologize effectively and sincerely.
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Why Sincerely Apologizing Is Important
When you’ve made a mistake or hurt another person, there are many good reasons to apologize. By apologizing, you are able to:
- Acknowledge that you were wrong
- Discuss what is allowed and not allowed in your relationship
- Express your regret and remorse
- Learn from your mistakes and find new ways of dealing with difficult situations
- Open up a line of communication with the other person
Sincerely apologizing can also bring relief, particularly if you have guilt over your actions. An apology alone doesn’t erase the hurt or make it okay, but it does establish that you know your actions or words were wrong and that you will strive harder in the future to prevent it from happening again.
Research suggests that some of the major reasons people don’t apologize are that they aren’t really concerned about the other person, apologizing threatens their own self-image, or they believe that an apology won’t do any good anyway.
Not apologizing when you are wrong can be damaging to personal and professional relationships. It can also lead to rumination, anger, resentment, and hostility that may only grow over time.
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