Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Ghosting is a type of social rejection that happens when someone you are dating or getting to know disappears without a trace. One minute, you are talking, and everything seems fine, and then they are just…gone. You suddenly find yourself left on read. Your texts, phone calls, and DMs go unanswered. You might even be shocked to find they’ve blocked you altogether. You’re left wondering, WTH happened?

This could happen at the very beginning of a relationship or in the middle of one, whether in person or online. Dealing with being ghosted is incredibly difficult—especially because you usually don’t know the cause or know how to react.

The person suddenly quits all contact with you—they won’t respond to texts, emails, calls, or social media messages. The mental health effects of being on the receiving end of these actions can be very challenging.

Being ghosted sucks, but it’s increasingly common in today’s dating culture. The key thing to remember is that it’s not about you. People ghost for all kinds of reasons. They might be insecure, scared of conflict, or unable to communicate their feelings. That doesn’t necessarily make it *easy* to process, but there are things you can do to feel better and protect your mental well-being when someone activates phantom mode.

Skip the blame and shame. Instead, concentrate on taking care of yourself. Do things that bring you joy, but don’t minimize your feelings. It’s hurtful (sometimes even emotionally abusive), and there’s nothing wrong with reaching out to a mental health professional if you need extra help processing what happened.

Why Do People Ghost?

People ghost for a variety of reasons. Relationship experts and psychologists agree that people who ghost are avoiding an uncomfortable situation. This evasion, while perceived as a lack of regard, is often because they feel it’s the best way to handle their own distress or inability to clearly communicate.

Research suggests that many ghosters cut ties because they are actually trying to spare the other person’s feelings. Ghosters admit they don’t want to hurt you, or they don’t know what to do. Sometimes, they don’t think discussing a situation is necessary, or they become scared.

But some ghosts perceive that disappearing completely might actually be the easiest and best way to handle the situation for all. Others ghost because now that it’s common, it’s an almost justifiable way to exit a relationship nowadays.

How to Cope When You’ve Been Ghosted

It’s not always easy, and it often takes time, but there are things you can do to start feeling better even if someone in your life has ghosted you.

Rid Yourself of Blame

After someone disappears suddenly, it’s hard to not feel regret, embarrassment and shame. After all, you risked for the sake of growth and it backfired. While ghosting feels so personal, it’s not about you. It’s about them.

Because you usually can’t find a cause and there is no explanation furnished, you may blame yourself. You might want to put up walls so you don’t get hurt again in the future. Or you may tell your friends you will stop dating completely, using a cognitive distortion like all-or-nothing thinking.

Now is the time to regroup, be kind to yourself and take a break. You are not to blame for someone walking away without a peep. Nor is it your fault that the other person couldn’t maturely give you the truth.

Nix the Shame

Shame comes about sometimes when we are reminded of previous rejections. But is ghosting rejection?

“Ghosting carries an echo of old rejection,” says Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW. “It’s painful because it activates—and emulates—a previous hurt or betrayal by someone we didn’t just think we could trust but whom we had to trust, often during our formative years.”

Resnick, whose trauma-informed books about recovery from the effects of narcissistic relationships have helped tens of thousands of readers, reassures those who were ghosted and bids them to take care.

“Understood this way, we can see why self-compassion is in order,” she says. “Being dropped and feeling unseen is always painful, and there is never shame or embarrassment in feeling what is real.”

Choose Self-Care

How do you move forward? You need self-compassion and self-care. Invest in time with friends and family who can support you. Also, you might indulge in activities that make you happy like taking a yoga class or returning to a hobby that you love. You can also try homeopathic treatments or acupuncture.

Elena Klimenko, MD, and Integrative Medicine Specialist sometimes uses a “broken heart” homeopathic treatment for a heartfelt loss. She says, “In traditional Chinese medicine like acupuncture, the heart meridian—which starts at the heart and runs to the armpits, then down each arm—is responsible for heartfelt matters and some deep emotions. Proper acupuncture treatment can also facilitate recovery and take the edge off the difficult feelings.”

That includes mutual respect, good communication, and thoughtfulness. Therefore, this wasn’t the right person for you, anyway.

Build Resilience

David C. Leopold, MD DABFM, DABOIM, and Network Medical Director for Integrative Health and Medicine at Hackensack Meridian Health says, “When patients experience any emotional or mental health challenges, I focus on helping them build resilience and enhancing their self-compassion and self-care.”

Dr. Leopold uses a comprehensive approach, including engaging in physical activity, prioritizing sleep, optimizing nutrition, cultivating meaning and purpose, and reducing stress through practices like mindfulness and meditation.

Therefore, if you’re emotionally exhausted and stressed, where do you start in taking care of yourself?

If you ruminate too much, use an app to increase mindfulness or begin a meditation practice. Leopold suggests you don’t forget about finding meaning and purpose.

“Studies show focusing on meaning and purpose increases oxytocin, our ‘feel good’ hormone, which increases feelings of connection and improves mood.” Overall, he advises that you take this time “as an opportunity to focus on you and enrich your resilience.”

What Does Ghosting Say About a Person?

Despite ghosting being normalized, it’s more about the problem the ghoster is having than it is about you. Ghosting says a lot about the person in many different ways. For instance, it could say that they lacked the courage to do the right thing by explaining why they could no longer continue a relationship with you.

The person or people who ghosted you didn’t treat you with integrity and, therefore, did not consider the implications of their actions. It could also signal that they may not care about their actions and are inconsiderate or unreliable.

Or, it could be none of the above. The ghoster may be dealing with a mental health or medical condition (of a loved one or their own) that is making it difficult for them to reach out at the current time.

Is Ghosting Emotional Abuse?

Ghosting is a form of silent treatment, which mental health professionals have described as emotional cruelty or even emotional abuse if done so intentionally. You feel powerless and silenced. You don’t know to make sense of the experience or have an opportunity to express your feelings.

This cowardly act, unfortunately pretty normalized by our culture, can cause immense pain. As you have no clue about what happened, your mind first jumps to many possibilities. Was your new love interest injured in a car accident? Is their family okay? Maybe it’s just a crazy busy time at work, and they will contact you again soon?

You might feel a wave of different emotions: sadness, anger, loneliness, confusion. Mental health professionals find that no response is especially painful for people on an emotional level. You feel helpless and shunned without information that could guide your understanding.

Lust is a feeling of having a strong sexual desire for another person. It is the initial driving force that attracts us to a potential partner and helps keep the passion alive in a long-term relationship.

Lust alters the chemicals in our brains. Hormones like testosterone, pheromones, and androgens all influence how lust may be experienced. This is also a part of our natural biological processes and the human instinct to procreate.

Upon seeing someone we find ourselves attracted to, we may experience lust and desire sexual intercourse with them to continue our species. People can experience feelings of lust upon meeting someone new or within a committed partnership.

Lust vs. Love: How Are They Different?

You may feel an undeniable connection to somebody and think that it’s love at first sight. It is important to note, though, that there is a clear difference between lust and love.

Ultimately, lust is strictly based on sexual attraction, whereas love is based on emotional desire. Verywell asked Erica F. Zajac, LCSW (they/them/none/he/she), a sex-positive and trauma specialist, to explore this distinction further.

Zajac says, “These two concepts are very different, and many people tend to confuse love with lust.” They go on to say that, “Some people may actually confuse the two concepts and believe they are ‘in love’ when, in fact, they are ‘in lust.'”

If you think you are experiencing love at first sight, the chances are likely that what you are feeling is lust and not love. So, how can you tell the difference?

If you’re experiencing love, you will want to spend time with this person in a non-physical way, including bonding time, going out to eat, having conversations about long-term goals, or doing other things that are not sexual in nature.

Research has found that attraction, attachment, and lust are distinct but intertwined processes in the brain. So while different neurotransmitters influence love and lust, these circuits are connected and reinforce one another.

Although love and lust may be different, can the two feelings co-exist? Yes, they can. Zajac says that any time when we start dating someone new, we experience “new relationship energy” (or NRE), which is usually based on sexual desire (or lust).

How long lust lasts can vary, but this phase of a relationship often continues for up to two years. However, over time once a deeper, more emotional connection has been established, love can develop. At this time, lust and love can both be present in a relationship. 

Signs of Lust in a Relationship

What are some signs that you may be experiencing lust and not love? You may be feeling lust if you relate to any of the following characteristics:

• If your feelings are only sexual in nature
• If someone becomes less attractive after you recognize their flaws
• If you do not have any desire to build a deeper connection with the person you experience lust toward
• The relationship is short-lived 
• You want to become intimate with the person who inspired the feelings in you
• You are extremely attracted to somebody on a physical level 
• Your heart rate increases 
• Your palms may perspire
• You experience butterflies around someone
• You want to touch the person frequently 
• You want to leave after having sex with somebody instead of staying to spend time with them

You don’t need to feel love to experience sexual desire, and feeling sexual desire doesn’t necessarily result in falling in love. Researchers have found that eye gaze can provide important clues about whether a person feels love or lust. Perhaps not surprisingly, the results found that people are more likely to look at a person’s face if they are feeling love, but eye gaze focuses more on the other person’s body if they are feeling lust.

Signs Your Partner Is Feeling Lust

So how can you tell if your partner is interested in a passionate fling or if they are looking for a more lasting connection? Are the signs of lust in a man different than they are in a woman? No matter who your partner is, there are some signs that they might be feeling lust but not love:

• Things get physical fast
• They don’t seem interested in your life outside of the bedroom
• They don’t share details of their life with you
• They aren’t interested in sharing their emotions (or hearing about yours)
• Communication with them seems shallow and only revolves around flirting and innuendo
• They seem to have a limited investment in the relationship
• They aren’t willing to make plans for the future
• There’s a lack of intimacy and emotional connection outside of the bedroom
• Your conversations with them seem shallow and only focus on surface-level things like appearances or fantasies

Is Lust a Healthy Emotion?

Is lust a healthy emotion? The short answer is yes. It can be. According to Zajac, lust is not exactly “healthy” or “unhealthy” in and of itself. Rather, “how a person expresses lust may be healthy or unhealthy,” she clarifies.

To figure out if you are experiencing lust in a healthy or unhealthy way, she suggests reflecting on the downsides associated with acting upon it rather than focusing on whether the emotion itself is healthy or not. “Are there any negatives associated with it? There can be, but that is based mostly on behavior, not the actual feeling itself.”

How to Express Lust to Your Partner in a Healthy Way

How can folks experience lust without acting upon it but still expressing or honoring it healthily?

First, always ask for consent before initiating any physical or sexual behavior with another person. Openly communicate your desires with partners and potential partners to avoid miscommunications or incompatibility. 

In an effort to reduce the likelihood of conflict or infidelity, Zajac recommends not just asking your partner if you can engage in a sexual relationship with someone else. Instead, let them know that you’re experiencing attraction toward another person.

If they don’t respect how you feel, it’s up to you to decide how you’d like to continue the conversation and/or the course of the relationship. (Once again, honesty is key here.)

If you want to act on your lustful feelings with your partner or potential partner, it’s possible to accomplish that without causing issues. Here are some ways in which you can express lust in a healthy way to your partner or potential partner:

• Giving your partner sexy comments that are not disrespectful (e.g., “you are so hot” or “I can’t wait to see you.”
• Using facial expressions or your eyes to signal to your partner that you desire them
• Sending a dirty letter, email, or text saying what you want to do to them (with their consent)
• Sending sensual but not explicit photos (with their consent)
• Talking dirty in their ear or via text (note: this is only appropriate if consent has already been established in a relationship)

How Not to Express Lust to Your Partner

Although lust is a natural emotion most people eventually experience, it’s important to be careful of how you act on it.

If lust is not expressed healthily or respectfully, instances of discomfort, abuse, or other issues may arise. Follow these tips to stay mindful of how and when not to express lust toward someone:

• Toward anybody other than your partner when you are in a committed, non-monogamous relationship
• If you lack the verbal consent of all involved
• When consent and/or a person’s boundaries are violated
• When you are not making decisions based on logic
• When you are not sober and are in an intoxicated state from consuming alcohol, drugs, and/or substances
• When trust may be breached among partners
• If it may cause someone to feel uncomfortable
• When a person is not respectful toward you (e.g., treats you like an object)
• If the immediate gratification of acting on lust outweighs the long-term benefits
• If you are acting out of desperation, addiction, compulsion, or obsession

What Happens After You Act on Feelings of Lust?

Depending on the situation, there can be small to severe consequences after acting on lust. If you act on lust in an “unhealthy” way, you may experience one or more of the following emotions or situations:

“It is important to pause, take a step back, and try to look at how you are feeling objectively (which is very hard but necessary),” says Zajac. To avoid unwanted and undesirable results, you will want to go slower in your sexual and romantic relationships.

Journaling and self-reflection can also help you understand your emotions and whether or not you are actively experiencing lust or something else. 

If you still find yourself wanting to act on your feelings of lust when the opportunity may end up being destructive or might cause harm, consider seeking the help of a relationship therapist or psychologist. This person may assist you in understanding where these feelings are coming from and what you can do to express it in a healthy way moving forward.

ASMR is the term used to describe a tingling, calming sensation some people report experiencing in response to close personal attention or certain audio or visual stimuli. ASMR stands for autonomous sensory meridian response. Autonomous means that the feeling is in your body, sensory means that your senses perceive the feeling, meridian refers to the energy of the feeling in your body, and response indicates that the feeling is a response to stimuli.

Not everyone experiences ASMR, but for those who do, they describe a pleasant tingling that starts at the top of their head and sometimes travels down the spine and limbs, accompanied by feelings of blissful relaxation and drowsiness. 

This article covers the ASMR definition, how ASMR feels, as well as the physiological impact of this phenomenon.

Who Experiences ASMR?

Just like not everyone gets chills when they listen to emotional music, not everyone experiences ASMR. At this time, there hasn’t been enough research on the phenomenon to estimate what percentage of the population has it.

For many who experience ASMR, they first notice this happy, calming sensation in their youth in response to someone paying close personal attention to them or watching someone carefully perform a task. 

The best way to know if you experience ASMR is to think of whether you get “chills” or a shivery sensation in response to certain stimuli. If you experience this pleasurable sensation when you hear, see, smell, or touch something, then you probably do experience ASMR.

It is important to note, however, that everyone responds to triggers differently. One person might experience the feeling in response to the sound of whispering, while another person might feel it when someone plays with their hair.

History of ASMR

For people who experience ASMR, the realization that they feel these pleasant sensations when exposed to certain stimuli is not new. However, for many, the fact that there is a name for this experience and that others experience it as well is new information.

Naming the Experience

Different online forums have been abuzz for quite some time with people sharing their experiences with “brain tingles” or “brain orgasms.” But it wasn’t until 2010 that Jennifer Allen, a frequent contributor to these internet communities, decided to elevate the discourse and give the feeling a name.

She hoped that by doing so, she would make the experience more credible in the eyes of scientists, researchers, and ASMR-skeptics. Even with a new name, though, it wasn’t until five years later in 2015 that the first peer-reviewed, scientific study was conducted on ASMR. 

Spreading the Word

Craig Richard, a professor of physiology at Shenandoah University in Virginia, reached out to Jennifer Allen in 2013. The two collaborated to make an online survey about ASMR, which would go on to receive more than 30,000 replies. The survey asked questions about what types of sensations people experience during ASMR, what type of ASMR experience they prefer, and more.

The goal of having people fill out the survey was to collect data for an eventual global study on ASMR. Richard went on to found ASMR University, an online resource that educates, informs, and collects information on ASMR experiences.

Viral Videos

Research on ASMR may still be limited, but meanwhile, more and more people who long thought their experiences with ASMR were an anomaly have been finding comfort in like-minded communities of “tingleheads” online.

ASMR video creators use high-definition microphones that pick up every mouth noise, whisper, and finger flutter (a popular trigger) to try to stimulate an ASMR reaction in listeners and viewers.

Signs of ASMR

While ASMR shares some similarities between the chills some people experience when looking at an incredible painting or listening to a moving speech or piece of music, physiologically the phenomena are different.

The effects of ASMR are understood to be calming and somewhat sedating, while chills are more physiologically arousing.

• The tingles from ASMR originate at the top of the head, whereas with art and music-induced chills they might start elsewhere, like your limbs or spine. 
• The tingly, happy feeling people experience with ASMR is also comparable to the feeling that some get when someone massages their head or tickles their arm and they get chills or “goosebumps.”

However, ASMR can occur without any touch. “One of the key aspects of ASMR is that it’s a stimulus in a different modality triggering a feeling of touch and relaxation,” said Dr. Giulia Poerio, a professor of psychology at the University of Essex who wrote a peer-reviewed research article on ASMR. “So in some ways, it’s almost like a synesthetic experience.

ASMR is not unlike a crossing of the senses in that you’re receiving visual and auditory triggers that stimulate an almost tactile sensation. You experience a similar feeling to being massaged on the back of your head, but without actually being touched.”

People who experience ASMR report feeling:

Through their research, Poerio and her colleagues determined that people who experience ASMR had a significant reduction in their heart rate while watching ASMR-inducing videos, compared to participants who do not experience ASMR.

This rate is comparable to reductions seen in clinical trials for other relaxation methods including music and mindfulness. 

Types of ASMR

Situations that might elicit this response for those who experience ASMR include having their feet measured at a shoe store, someone applying makeup to their face, having their hair brushed or cut, watching someone carefully fold a sheet of paper, being checked into a hotel, or a teacher thoughtfully explaining something to them on a worksheet.

Stimuli that evoke an ASMR response can involve certain situations or the sense of sight, touch, or sound. Some of the most common ASMR triggers include:

How to Practice

One way to see if you experience ASMR is to watch one of the more than 13 million videos on YouTube that were created to simulate experiences that might trigger ASMR. 

About ASMR Videos

To those who don’t experience ASMR, the videos might seem unorthodox. ASMRtists whisper quietly, accentuate mouth noises, and pop their consonants.

Video creators will roleplay ASMR-inducing social situations like having one’s hair washed, checking out a book at the library, or even receiving a tattoo. Some videos feature someone tapping their fingernails on different surfaces, like the back of a brush, a Tupperware container, or a remote control.

Often, the creators of these videos are people who say they also experience ASMR and were introduced to the community that way.

To those who experience ASMR and are in pursuit of tingles, these videos are just what they’re looking for. According to Poerio’s study published in the journal PLOS One, in a survey of 1,002 participants, some of the most popular ASMR triggers were people speaking softly, people using crisp sounds, slow movements, close personal attention, and getting a haircut. 

Impact of ASMR

A 2018 study performed functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) scans on ASMR-sensitive participants while they watched different types of ASMR videos. The researchers found that the following areas of the brain were activated:

• Dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC): This region of the brain is associated with social cognition and caring for others.
• Medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC): This region of the brain is linked with self-awareness, social cognition, and social behaviors. Oxytocin binds to mPFC receptors and promotes relaxation.
• Nucleus accumbens (NAcc): This part of the brain is also linked with controlling feelings of reward, satisfaction, and other emotions.

The mPFC and NAcc, along with the insular cortex and left inferior frontal gyrus (IFG), were parts of the brain activated in participants while they watched ASMR videos. This is significant because they’re also parts of the brain that are known to activate when people engage in affiliate behaviors, which are care-receiving or caregiving acts.

When people engage in these affiliate behaviors, the brain releases dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins, which promote comfort, relaxation, and sleepiness. This could explain why ASMR-sensitive people report less anxiety and stress as well as better sleep as a result of watching ASMR videos.

Previous research also suggested that people who experience ASMR may have higher levels of empathy than those who don’t. This likely relates to the fact that the parts of the brain linked with social cognition and social behaviors are activated during ASMR experiences.

Tips and Tricks

If you want to try and experience ASMR or reap some of the potential relaxation benefits, there are some things that you can do that may help:

• Find your triggers. Everyone responds differently to ASMR triggers, so the key is to figure out which ones cause a response. Start paying attention to how you feel when you see, hear, or touch certain things. If you ever feel a tingly, pleasurable sensation, you are possibly having an ASMR reaction to that trigger.
• Practice alone. Find a place where you can sit quietly and pay attention to what you are feeling. Try concentrating on a specific part of your body, such as your arms, and gently brush your fingers over that part of your body.
• Try ASMR videos. There are plenty of videos online that cover a wide range of trigger situations, sights, and sounds.
• Wear headphones. You may be more likely to experience ASMR if you watch videos while listening with a pair of high-quality headphones that are able to produce high-quality sounds.

Potential Pitfalls

For some who experience ASMR, there is trepidation about sharing their experiences for fear that it will be misunderstood as sexually perverse or deviant.

“There’s sometimes a lot of shame and guilt associated with the experience of ASMR,” said Poerio. “Some people feel guilty experiencing this kind of pleasure when they don’t know that it’s something that other people have experienced as well.” 

“Something that I really do hope comes out of this research, as well as more widespread recognition of ASMR as an experience, is that people don’t have to feel like they have to hide [their ASMR experiences] or be ashamed of [them],” said Poerio. “I still see people who feel like that, and there’s no reason that they should. I hope knowing that they’re not alone is useful.”

What’s Next?

Every day, new people learn about the ASMR videos online. But as popular as these videos and communities are, not a lot of research has been done on ASMR—though more is underway. 

The study by Poerio and colleagues was groundbreaking in that it corroborated the anecdotal reports about ASMR and its relaxing effects through physiological data. For Poerio, she says, this is just the beginning.

Next, she would like to research what’s happening in the brain when someone is experiencing ASMR, how ASMR affects sleep, what percentage of the population experiences ASMR, and its potential therapeutic benefits. For example, how could ASMR be used to help alleviate the symptoms of stress, anxiety, and depression?

“It’s really interesting,” said Poerio, “ASMR is a complex emotional experience that some people have and other people don’t.” She would like to get to the bottom of that as well. 

If you are someone who experiences ASMR, this is an exciting time. Not only is there an abundance of ASMR-inducing content available to you, but so much is being discovered about this experience, and how it manifests physiologically in the body every day.

Do you often have the thought, “I hate myself”? If you are filled with feelings of self-hatred, you know how frustrating they can be. Not only does self-hatred limit what you can achieve in life, but it also worsens mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.

In order to get over feelings of self-hatred, it’s important to recognize the signs and symptoms, understand the underlying causes and triggers, realize the powerful effects it has on your life, and finally, make a plan to get over those feelings of self-hatred and develop healthy coping skills to feel better. 

Signs of Self-Hatred 

Below are some of the tell-tale signs that you might be living with self-hatred, beyond having occasional negative self-talk.

• All-or-nothing thinking: You see yourself and your life as either good or bad, without any shades of gray in between. If you make a mistake, you feel as though everything is ruined or that you’re a failure. 
• Focus on the negative: Even if you have a good day, you tend to focus on the bad things that happened or what went wrong instead. 
• Emotional reasoning: You take your feelings as facts. If you notice that you are feeling bad or like a failure, then you assume that your feelings must reflect the truth of the situation and that you are, in fact, bad. 
• Low self-esteem: You generally have low self-esteem and don’t feel as though you measure up when comparing yourself to others in daily life.  
• Seeking approval: You are constantly seeking outside approval from others to validate your self-worth. Your opinion of yourself changes depending on how others evaluate you or what they think of you. 
• Can’t accept compliments: If someone says something good about you, you discount what was said or think that they are just being nice. You have trouble accepting compliments and tend to brush them off instead of graciously accepting them. 
• Trying to fit in: You find that you always feel like an outsider and are always trying to fit in with others. You feel as though people dislike you and can’t understand why they would want to spend time with you or actually like you. 
• Taking criticism personally: You have a hard time when someone offers criticism, and tend to take it as a personal attack or think about it long after the fact. 
• Often feeling jealous: You find yourself jealous of others and may cut them down in order to make yourself feel better about your situation in life.  
• Fearful of positive connections: You may push away friends or potential partners out of fear when someone gets too close, and believe that it will end badly or you will end up alone. 
• Throwing pity parties for yourself: You have a tendency to throw pity parties for yourself and feel as though you have been dealt a bad lot in life, or that everything is stacked against you. 
• Afraid to dream big: You are afraid to have dreams and aspirations and feel as though you need to continue to live your life in a protected way. You may be afraid of failure, afraid of success, or look down on yourself regardless of what you achieve. 
• Hard on yourself: If you make a mistake, you have a very hard time forgiving yourself. You may also have regrets about things you have done in the past or failed to do. You may have trouble letting go and moving past mistakes. 
• Cynical viewpoint: You see the world in a very cynical way and hate the world that you live in. You feel as though people with a positive outlook are naive about the way that the world really works. You don’t see things getting any better and have a very bleak outlook on life. 

Causes of Self-Hatred 

If those signs sounded all too familiar, you’re probably wondering why you hate yourself and how you ended up here. You might not immediately know the answers to these questions, so it’s important to take some time to reflect. Below are some possible causes to consider.

Negative Inner Critic 

If you are thinking “I hate myself,” chances are that you have a negative inner critic who constantly puts you down. This critical voice might compare you to others or tell you that you are not good enough.

You might feel as though you are different from other people and that you don’t measure up. These thoughts may leave you feeling like an outcast or a fraud when you are with other people. 

The following are some things your inner critic might say: 

• “Who do you think you are to do that?”
• “You are never going to succeed no matter how hard you try.”
• “You’re going to mess this up just like you mess up everything else.”
• “Why would a person like that like you? There must be an ulterior motive.”
• “You can’t trust anyone. They are just going to let you down.”
• “You might as well eat that dessert. You’re just going to end up eating too much anyway.”

If you have a voice in your head like this, you might come to believe that these types of critical thoughts are the truth. If the voice tells you that you are worthless, stupid, or unattractive, you might eventually come to believe those things. And with those thoughts, comes the belief that you aren’t worthy of love, success, confidence, or the chance to make mistakes. 

The more you listen to that critical inner voice, the more power you give to it. In addition, you might eventually start to project your own insecurities onto other people, leaving you paranoid, suspicious, and unable to accept love and kindness. If this sounds like you, then chances are that you have been listening to your negative inner critic for far too long. 

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Where does that negative inner critic come from? It isn’t likely that you developed that voice in your head all by yourself. Rather, most often, the negative inner critic arises from past negative life experiences. These could be childhood experiences with your parents, bullying from peers, or even the outcome of a bad relationship. 

Childhood Experiences

Did you grow up with parents who were critical of you? Or did you have a parent who seemed to be stressed, angry, or tense, and who made you feel as though you needed to walk on eggshells?

If so, you may have learned to be quiet and fade into the background. Childhood experiences or trauma such as abuse, neglect, being over-controlled, or being criticized can all lead to the development of a negative inner voice.

Bad Relationships

Not all critical inner voices begin during childhood. If you were in a relationship or friendship with someone who engaged in the same types of behaviors, the experience could also have created a negative inner voice.

This could even include a work relationship with a co-worker or supervisor with a tendency to put you down or make you feel inferior. Any type of relationship has the potential to set a negative tone in your mind and create a negative inner voice that’s hard to shake. 

Bullying

Were you the victim of bullying in school, at work, or in another relationship? Even transient relationships with people can create lasting memories that impact your self-concept and affect your self-esteem.

If you find yourself having flashback memories of seemingly insignificant events with bullies from your past or present, it could be that the experience has had a long-lasting effect on your mind. If your negative inner voice replays the words of your real-life bullies, you have some deeper work to do to release those thoughts rather than internalize them.

Traumatic Events 

Have you experienced any traumatic life events like a car accident, physical attack, or significant loss? If so, the loss might leave you wondering, “why me?” which can evolve into feelings of shame or regret, particularly if you feel you were somehow at fault.  

Environmental Triggers 

Long after original events, you might find yourself being triggered by things that happen in your daily life. For example, a new co-worker might remind you of a past bad experience at work, or a new friend might trigger an unpleasant memory from your childhood.

If you find yourself having an emotional reaction to a situation that seems out of proportion to what has happened, you may need to do more work to uncover the things that are holding you back. Many find this process is made easier with the help of a therapist or other mental health professional. 

Negative Self-Concept 

Do you have a negative self-concept, poor self-image, or low self-esteem? When you have thoughts of self-hatred, small problems can be magnified into much larger ones. You may feel as though the bad things that happen are a reflection of your own inherent “badness.”

For example, you’re at a party and you tell a joke that falls flat. Instead of rolling with the punches and moving on, your negative self-concept might induce a spiral into negative thoughts such as “everyone hates me” and “I’ll never be able to make any friends.” 

Mental Health Conditions 

A feeling of self-hatred could also be the result of a mental health condition such as depression or anxiety. Depression, for example, can cause symptoms such as hopelessness, guilt, and shame, which can make you feel as though you are not good enough. Unfortunately, the nature of depression also means that you are unable to see through this cognitive bias to recognize that it is your depression that is making you think this way. 

The more that your condition influences your thoughts, the more likely it is that you will start to see this negative view of yourself as your reality. This can leave you feeling as though you are not worthy and do not belong. You may feel isolated and different from everyone else.  

Outcomes of Self-Hatred 

Beyond the causes of self-hatred, it’s important to understand the outcomes that can result when your thoughts continually reinforce that self-hatred. Below are some potential outcomes: 

• You might stop trying to do things because you feel they will only end badly.
• You might engage in self-destructive behavior such as using substances, eating too much, or isolating yourself.
• You might sabotage your own efforts or fail to take care of yourself.
• You might unknowingly choose people who are bad for you or who will take advantage of you, such as toxic friends or partners.
• You may struggle with low self-confidence and low self-esteem.
• You might have trouble making decisions and feel as though you need others to guide you when you become paralyzed in indecision.
• You might have a perfectionist tendency and struggle to get things done.
• You might excessively worry about daily problems or your future.
• You find it hard to believe good things about yourself and feel like others are just being nice or manipulative when they compliment you.
• You might not be able to go after your goals and dreams and feel held back.
• You may doubt your abilities and what you can accomplish.
• You might view the future as being very bleak and have no positive expectations.
• You may feel as though you don’t belong anywhere and that you are an outcast and disconnected from the world around you.

Many of the outcomes of self-hatred are similar to the signs of self-hatred. In this way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy from which you cannot easily escape. As long as you stay in this cycle of self-hatred, you’ll never move forward. But with help, you can break the cycle.

How to Combat Self-Hatred 

If you are looking to get over self-hatred, there are a number of things you can do to break the cycle. Above all else, remember that you are not to blame for how you feel, but you are responsible from this day forward for the actions that you take toward making positive changes.

Try Journaling 

Keep a journal to reflect on your day and how you felt about what happened. Reflect on the events of the day, examine situations that may have triggered certain emotions, and be mindful of the root causes of any feelings of self-hatred.

As you journal each day, look for patterns and aim to become more aware of how your emotions shift. Research shows that expressive writing such as journaling can help to reduce psychological distress.

Talk Back to Your Inner Critic 

As you start to become more aware of your emotions and their triggers, try to identify the thoughts that you have when faced with negative events. Ask yourself questions about whether your thoughts are realistic, or whether you are engaging in thought distortions.

Try standing up to your inner bully by countering that inner voice with arguments to the contrary. If you find it hard to build up a strong voice on your own, imagine yourself taking on the role of a stronger person you know—such as a friend, famous person, or superhero—and talking back to the critical voice in your head. 

Practice Self-Compassion 

Instead of hating yourself, practice showing yourself compassion. This means looking at situations in a different light, seeing the good things that you have accomplished, and ending black-or-white thinking. What would you say to a friend or loved one who was having similar thoughts about themselves?

Was that one bad thing that happened really the end of the world? Could you reframe the situation to see it as a setback instead of a catastrophe? When you can be kinder to yourself, you’ll open yourself up to more positive feelings and a positive inner voice. Research shows that compassion-focused therapy can improve self-esteem, which could be helpful to reduce self-hatred.

Spend Time With Positive People 

Instead of hanging out with people who make you feel bad, start hanging out with people who make you feel good. If you don’t have any positive people your everyday life, consider joining a support group. If you aren’t sure where to find one, the National Alliance on Mental Illness is a good place to start, regardless of what type of mental health issues you might be facing. 

Practice Meditation 

If you find it hard to slow down and detach yourself from your negative thinking, try starting a regular meditation practice. Engaging in meditation is a way to shut off the negative voice in your head. It’s also like a muscle; the more that you practice, the easier that it will be to quiet your mind and let go of negative thoughts. 

See a Therapist 

If you are struggling with your mental health, you might benefit from seeing a therapist. While it’s possible to shift your mindset on your own, a therapist can help you deal with past trauma more quickly and guide you to more helpful thinking patterns.

Take Care of Yourself 

Instead of engaging in self-destructive behaviors, engage in self-care. This approach means taking care of your physical and mental health by doing all the things that will keep you feeling good. Eat healthy food, get regular exercise, get enough sleep, reduce social media and screen time, spend time in nature, and talk kindly to yourself, to name a few examples. 

Move Toward Living the Life You Want

The antidote to feeling bad all the time might be to start taking small steps toward what you want in life. That might mean finding a new career path, traveling, getting out of debt, ending a relationship, starting a family, or moving far away. Determine your values and then start acting in accordance with them. Once you start to align with your values, it will be easier to feel confident in yourself. 

It’s easy to think that you are the only one who struggles with thoughts of self-hatred. The truth is that many people feel the same way that you do, and there are ways to get past it.