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Lasting recovery requires lasting effort, but relapse is not failure or weakness; it takes more than willpower to maintain sobriety. This article discusses the meaning of sobriety and arms you with information and strategies to smooth—and stay on—your path to wellness.

Staying Sober: 13 Strategies

The more tools you have for identifying triggers, coping with stress, and managing your new sober life, the easier you’ll prevent relapse. Here are some tips that experts recommend often.

Identify Your Personal Triggers

A big part of preventing relapse is understanding your external triggers: the people, places, things, and situations that elicit thoughts or cravings associated with substance use, as well as internal triggers such as feelings, thoughts, and emotions.

Once you identify your biggest risks, you can create a plan to prepare for or avoid them. Some common triggers may include:

• Stress
• Emotional distress
• Environmental cues
• People who consume alcohol or drugs
• Relationship troubles
• Job or financial problems

Recognize Relapse Warning Signs

A relapse can sneak up on you, usually because you don’t recognize the warning signs. A relapse begins long before you actually pick up a drink or a drug and involves three phases: emotional relapse, mental relapse, and physical relapse.

Warning signs of relapse include:

• Returning to addictive thinking patterns
• Engaging in compulsive, self-defeating behaviors
• Seeking out situations involving people who use alcohol and drugs
• Thinking less rationally and behaving less responsibly
• Finding yourself in a situation in which drug or alcohol use seems like a logical escape from pain

Prepare for PAWS

Post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS) involves withdrawal symptoms that persist past the detox period. Such symptoms are often related to mood and may include irritability, anxiety, depression, sleep problems, and fatigue.

Depending on the type of dependency, PAWS can last from six months to two years after you stop using drugs or alcohol.

The symptoms involved in PAWS can be a barrier to recovery if you’re not careful. In addition to being able to recognize them, it’s important to know when to seek help.

Avoid Old Routines and Habits

It stands to reason that if you quit your drug of choice but continue with your same routine, hanging around the same people and places, and not making any changes in your circumstances, it will be much easier to slip back into your old behaviors and habits.

Some of the immediate changes you will need to make will be obvious—like not hanging around the people that you used with or obtained drugs from. After all, you can’t hang around your drug dealer or old drinking buddies and expect to remain sober for very long.

You may also need to change your route to work or home in order to avoid any triggers, or people, places, or things that make you want to use drugs or drink again.

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Build Healthy Relationships

Now that you are sober, you may have discovered that some of your past relationships were not only unhealthy but downright toxic. It’s not just your drinking buddies and drug dealers who can get you into trouble—sometimes those who are closest to you can contribute to a relapse.

For example, you may have developed a co-dependent relationship, or a family member, friend, or employer may have been enabling you without even knowing it.

Research shows that if you maintain these types of toxic relationships, your chances of relapsing are greater. To avoid relapse and remain sober, it’s important to develop healthy relationships.

Get Support

If you find it difficult to make new, sober friends, try joining a support group. Spending more time with supportive loved ones and planning activities for the entire family can also help you develop a healthier lifestyle and avoid situations in which you would normally drink or use drugs.

A therapist can help you learn new coping skills, develop new thinking patterns, and address any co-occurring mental health conditions that may make recovery more difficult.

You may also experience what is commonly called sobriety fatigue, which refers to the overall exhaustion that may occur as a result of the emotional and physical stress of staying sober. So, it’s extra helpful to have a support network available to you when you need it.

Develop a Structured Schedule

Having a chaotic or disorganized lifestyle can also hinder your recovery. It’s important to develop a structured daily and weekly schedule and stick to it.

A structured routine will help you achieve other goals in your life, whether they are short-term (like being on time for work) or long-term (like going back to school and changing careers).

Staying sober is a high priority, but developing and pursuing other goals can help you maintain that sobriety.

Practice Healthy Living

Chronically misusing drugs and/or alcohol can take a major toll on your physical and emotional health, and now that you’re in recovery, you’ll want to prioritize self-care and ensure you have the fortitude to remain sober. Keys to a healthy lifestyle include:

• Exercising regularly
• Making time for recreational activities and hobbies
• Eating regular, well-balanced meals
• Getting ample, good-quality sleep
• Practicing relaxation strategies, like mindfulness meditation and yoga

Focus on Your Finances

People in recovery from a substance use disorder frequently have problems meeting work-related responsibilities, maintaining employment, and managing money. If you were active in your addiction for a period of time, you may have developed financial problems.

Financial troubles and problems finding and keeping employment are major triggers for relapse, but it is possible to take baby steps and get your finances in order. Just keep in mind that your improvements won’t happen overnight.

Once you do return to work, it’s important to create a budget and take steps to safeguard yourself as work stress can be a relapse trigger.

Stay Cool and Calm

Many people who misuse alcohol or drugs have trouble dealing with anger. If left unchecked, anger can have a negative impact on your health and your lasting sobriety.

For many people with a substance use disorder, it’s simply a matter of never having learned the appropriate way to manage anger. Talk to your therapist, other healthcare provider, or sponsor about how to deal with your anger in ways that won’t cause you to harm yourself or others or turn to alcohol or drugs.

Deal With Mistakes

Most people who make their way into recovery have left a lot of pain and suffering in their wake. Feeling guilty or ashamed of past behavior or actions during active addiction is natural and healthy.

Shame is having negative beliefs about yourself and your self-worth. Guilt is having negative feelings about your past behavior. People in recovery can experience a lot of shame simply for having become addicted in the first place.

Most who find recovery also find that they have emotionally damaged friends and loved ones and have many regrets about their past decisions.​ To avoid relapse and stay sober, it’s important that you take the necessary steps to learn from your past mistakes and begin to live life more responsibly.

Find Balance

One common mistake for those who are new to alcohol and drug recovery is substituting a new compulsive behavior for their old one. People new to recovery can find themselves approaching their new diet, exercise program, job, and even participation in support groups with a compulsion that echoes addiction.

Although these new activities are healthy and productive, they can be a stumbling block to lasting recovery if they become a transfer addiction to fill the void left by the original addiction. The secret is to find a healthy balance.

Celebrate Milestones

If you’re involved in a 12-step program, you likely already know the importance of milestones. In these programs, it’s customary to receive plastic chips as you progress to the one-year mark, at which time you receive a bronze coin.

Acknowledging and celebrating the hard work of recovery is helpful for keeping you motivated and reminding you why you took this brave step toward sobriety in the first place. Just be sure that your rewards don’t involve drugs or alcohol. Instead, focus on things, experiences, and activities that will support your new, healthy lifestyle.

What Is Sobriety, Anyway?

Strictly speaking, sobriety is the state of being sober—not being under the influence of alcohol or drugs. However, the word is often used in different ways in different contexts. Many 12-step programs suggest that sobriety means total abstinence, which means never using the substance again. Other definitions, however, focus on the process of recovery and coping habits that support health and wellness over the long term.

Trust is a critical part of any relationship. Without trust—especially trust between two romantic partners—it is difficult to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship. People who have experienced some type of betrayal, such as unfaithfulness in a relationship, may develop trust issues that can interfere with future relationships.

Trust issues can manifest in a variety of ways. For example, a person who finds it difficult to trust may not believe what other people say. They may feel suspicious of what others want from them and may question other people’s intentions and motivations. It makes it incredibly difficult to develop an intimate, close connection with another person.

This article discusses trust issues, including the signs that you might have problems with trust and what causes a lack of faith in other people. It also covers some of the steps that you can take to overcome problems with trust.

Why Trust Issues Are Harmful

Trust has a number of benefits that are important for the health of your relationships as well as your own emotional well-being. Trust allows you to:

• Be vulnerable
• Be yourself
• Feel safe and secure
• Focus on positivity
• Increase closeness and intimacy
• Minimize conflict

Trust is important in relationships because it allows you the opportunity to relax, be yourself, and depend on another person. It provides you with the safety and security you need to turn to another person for comfort, reassurance, assistance, and affection.

Signs of Trust Issues

Trust is the belief that another person is honest and reliable. It is a feeling that you can depend on that person because they offer safety and security. Trust has been described as a firm belief in the ability, strength, reliability, and truth of someone or something.

There are a number of different behaviors that might indicate that you or your partner have a problem with trusting others. Some of these include:

• Always assuming the worst: Your trust issues could lead you to assume the worst about people around you, even when they have proven themselves trustworthy in the past. For example, when someone offers to help you, you wonder if they are expecting something from you later on.
• Suspiciousness: Trust issues can make you feel suspicious about other people’s intentions, even if there is little to indicate that their actions are suspect. You might feel like others are trying to harm you or deceive you.
• Self-sabotage: Trust issues often lead to self-sabotage. For example, you might engage in behaviors that interfere with your relationship because you assume it’s better to end things now rather than be disappointed later.
• Unhealthy relationships: People with trust issues almost always struggle to build healthy, long-lasting relationships. It’s normal for trust to take a while to develop within romantic relationships, but people without trust may never experience this type of connection.
• Lack of forgiveness: When trust is an issue, it is difficult—if not impossible—to move on after a betrayal of trust has occurred. This inability to forgive and forget can affect your entire life; not just your interactions with others. It can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, bitterness, and regret.
• Distancing yourself: In many cases, a lack of trust can lead people to build a wall between themselves and other people. You avoid relationships altogether because you fear betrayal or disappointment.
• Focusing on the negative: No matter the situation, you always focus on what you expect will go wrong. You tend to notice other people’s flaws, weaknesses, or mistakes rather than focusing on their positive qualities.

When trust interferes with your ability to form healthy, stable relationships, it can also leave you feeling isolated, lonely, and misunderstood.

Types of Trust Issues

Trust problems don’t just affect your romantic relationships. They can create conflict and poor communication in any type of relationship, whether it is with your friends, co-workers, or other family members.

Some common types of relationships that can be affected by trust issues include:

• Romantic relationships: People with trust issues often struggle to rely on or believe in their romantic partners. This can lead to a range of problems in relationships, including trust-related infidelity, unwillingness to commit, and difficulty apologizing when trust has been broken.
• Friendships: Just as people have trust issues within romantic relationships, they might also struggle with trusting their friends. Difficulty trusting friends might stem from a fear of disappointment or betrayal. Being let down by people in the past can make it hard to open yourself up to trusting friends again in the future.
• Workplace relationships: There are many reasons why someone might not trust co-workers. They might be concerned that their co-workers are conspiring against them, for instance, or just assume that trusting co-workers is not that important.

Generalized trust refers to a belief in whether or not most other people can be trusted. It can affect a person’s ability to trust people, groups, organizations, and governments. Research suggests that this type of trust is influenced by a variety of forces, including culture, social interaction experiences throughout life, and media influences.

What Causes Trust Issues?

A 2017 study found that a tendency to trust is influenced by genetic factors. Distrust, on the other hand, is not linked to genetics and is primarily associated with socialization factors, including family dynamics and influences.

People often have trust issues because they have been betrayed in the past. Early childhood experiences, in particular, play a major role in shaping your ability to trust the people around you.

Psychologist Erik Erikson developed a theory of development that suggested that the earliest years of life are all about learning whether the people around you could be trusted with your care and safety. Whether you learn this trust or mistrust, he suggested, plays a foundational role in future development.

This means that trust issues could stem from any number of sources, including:

• Betrayal in a relationship: Infidelity is incredibly hurtful and can lead to trust issues in future relationships.
• Parental conflicts: If children witness trust problems within their family, they may fear that the same thing will happen to them in future romantic relationships in adulthood.
• Social rejection: Being rejected by peers during childhood or adolescence may also make it difficult to trust other people. This type of trust issue can be exacerbated when the person being rejected is unable to determine why they are being excluded. Repeated rejections can make trust issues that much more difficult to overcome.
• Negative life experiences: People who have experienced trauma—especially while growing up—are likely to develop trust issues in adulthood. These trust issues could manifest in many different ways, including difficulty trusting friends or romantic partners, fear of trust-related betrayal, or difficulty forgiving people for breaking their trust.
• Attachment styles: Experts also suggest that your attachment style, or your characteristic pattern of behavior in a relationship, also plays a role in how you respond to trust in relationships. People with a secure attachment style may be more likely to trust others and forgive mistakes. Those with insecure attachment styles, on the other hand, struggle more with trust and are more likely to experience jealousy and anxiety in relationships.

Having one or more of these types of trust problems does not necessarily mean that you have a problem with trust. But it may indicate that you need to address these issues if they are causing you pain or preventing you from forming or maintaining interpersonal relationships.

How to Overcome Trust Issues

While it can be a challenging emotional undertaking, it is possible to overcome problems with trust. Here are a few trust-building strategies you can use:

Build Trust Slowly

It is important to trust people enough to allow them into your life and, in some cases, to forgive them for their mistakes. Taking your time with it can sometimes help. If you find yourself trying to trust too quickly (and perhaps, too intensely), it may be time to pull back and work up to that level of trust again.

Talk About Your Trust Issues

While you don’t need to provide every detail about what happened to you in the past, being open about why you struggle with trust can help others understand you better. By communicating with your partner, they can be more aware of how their actions might be interpreted.

Distinguish Between Trust and Control

People with trust issues often feel a need for control. This can sometimes manifest as mistrusting behavior. You might feel like you are being betrayed or taken advantage of if you don’t have complete control over every situation.

However, this will only hurt your relationships in the long run. Learning how much control you should yield in a given situation is key to building trust with other people.

Make Trust a Priority

Trusting others can be difficult, but trust-building is an essential part of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Make trust a priority in your life—even if it’s challenging to do.  

Be Trustworthy

If you try to build trust with someone else, you have to be willing to trust them first. This means being open about your feelings, opinions, thoughts, and limits.

It also means being understanding when the person breaks that trust because everyone makes mistakes. Learning how to balance these two ideas will help establish healthy interpersonal relationships that are based on trust.

Consider Therapy

Therapy can also be helpful for overcoming trust issues. The therapeutic alliance that you form with your therapist can be a powerful tool for learning how to trust other people.

By working with an experienced mental health professional, you can learn more about why you struggle with trust and learn new coping skills that will help you start to rebuild trust in your relationships.

Learn to Trust Yourself

One of the best ways to practice trust is to trust yourself. This doesn’t mean you should never question yourself or your choices. It just means that you should build a stronger self-awareness that can help guide your judgments and interactions with others.

Practicing mindfulness is one strategy that can be helpful. When you utilize mindfulness, you are able to become more aware of how you are feeling in the present moment without worrying about the past and future.

Self-awareness is your ability to perceive and understand the things that make you who you are as an individual, including your personality, actions, values, beliefs, emotions, and thoughts. Essentially, it is a psychological state in which the self becomes the focus of attention.

While self-awareness is central to your identity, it is not something you are acutely focused on at every moment of every day. Instead, self-awareness becomes woven into the fabric of who you are and emerges at different points depending on the situation and your personality.​

How Does Self-Awareness Develop?

Self-awareness is one of the first components of the self-concept to emerge. People are not born completely self-aware. Yet evidence suggests that infants do have a rudimentary sense of self-awareness.

Infants are aware that they are separate from others, as evidenced by behaviors such as the rooting reflex, in which an infant searches for a nipple when something brushes against their face. Researchers have also found that even newborns can differentiate between self- and non-self touch.

Studies have demonstrated that a more complex sense of self-awareness emerges around one year of age and becomes much more developed by approximately 18 months of age.

Self-Awareness and the Mirror Recognition Task

One way that research can measure self-awareness is by using what is known as a mirror self-recognition task. In a classic conducted by researchers Lewis and Brooks-Gunn, the researchers utilized this task to examine how self-awareness develops.

The researchers applied a red dot to an infant’s nose and held the child to a mirror. Children who recognized themselves in the mirror would reach for their own noses rather than the reflection in the mirror, which indicated that they had at least some level of self-awareness.

Lewis and Brooks-Gunn found that almost no children under one year would reach for their own noses rather than the reflection in the mirror.

It is important to note that the Lewis and Brooks-Gunn study only indicates an infant’s visual self-awareness; children might actually possess other forms of self-awareness even at this early point in life. For example, researchers have also suggested that expressing emotions involves self-awareness and an ability to think about oneself in relation to other people.

Self-Awareness and the Brain

Researchers have proposed that an area of the brain known as the anterior cingulate cortex located in the frontal lobe region plays an important role in developing self-awareness. Studies have also used brain imaging to show that this region becomes activated in adults who are self-aware.

The Lewis and Brooks-Gunn experiment suggests that self-awareness begins to emerge in children around the age of 18 months, an age that coincides with the rapid growth of spindle cells in the anterior cingulate cortex.

However, one study found that a patient retained self-awareness even with extensive damage to areas of the brain including the insula and the anterior cingulate cortex.

Levels of Self-Awareness

So how exactly do children become aware of themselves as separate beings? One major theory of self-awareness, introduced by developmental psychologist Philippe Rochat, suggests that there are five levels of self-awareness. Children progress through these stages between birth and approximately age 4 or 5:

• Differentiation: A baby begins to acknowledge their own reflection. They may detect there is something different or special about looking at their reflection.
• Situation: A baby begins to recognize their own reflection, being, and movements as separate from those around them.
• Identification: This is the stage during which a child fully knows that it is their own reflection in a mirror. They know, “This is me.”
• Permanence: They have a complete sense of themselves and can identify themselves in pictures or videos, even as their appearance changes.
• Self-consciousness: A child adapts a third-person point of view of themselves; they become aware of the idea that others perceive them in certain ways. This may result in feelings such as pride or shame.

Types of Self-Awareness

Self-awareness also takes different forms that can emerge in different situations and settings. Psychologists often break self-awareness down into two different types, either public or private.

Public Self-Awareness

This type emerges when people are aware of how they appear to others. Public self-awareness typically emerges in situations when people are at the center of attention.

This type of self-awareness often compels people to adhere to social norms. When we are aware that we are being watched and evaluated, we often try to behave in socially acceptable and desirable ways.

Public self-awareness can also lead to evaluation anxiety in which people become distressed, anxious, or worried about how they are perceived by others. Performance anxiety and social anxiety are two examples of how public self-awareness can sometimes lead to worry and distress about how other evaluate us.

Private Self-Awareness

This type happens when people become aware of some aspects of themselves, but only in a private way. For example, seeing your face in the mirror is a type of private self-awareness.

Certain strategies can help you build a greater sense of private self-awareness. For example, journaling, meditating, and practicing mindfulness can help you become more aware of your inner thoughts, feelings, and sensations.

Why Is Self-Awareness Important?

Self-awareness is important because it allows you to reflect on aspects of yourself. As you understand your abilities and tendencies, your self-awareness also allows you to think about how you interact with others and the world around you.

Self-aware people are able to manage their behaviors and adapt to situations. They can accurately evaluate what the situation requires and then modify their actions accordingly.

This can be vital in many areas of life, including your relationships and work. It can also factor in when it comes to personal development. As you become more aware of your strengths and weaknesses, you can take steps to capitalize on the things you are good at and explore ways to improve the areas where you might struggle.

How to Improve Your Self-Awareness

So how do you grow self-awareness? There are many ways you can practice being present with yourself and your emotions, which, in turn, can help improve your self-awareness.

Meditation

Meditation can be an especially useful practice because you don’t have to worry about changing anything—simply noticing what happens during a meditation can bring greater awareness of your thoughts and feelings.

Maybe you notice that you hold tension in your body by clenching your jaw, for instance, or that you tend to worry so much about the future that it’s hard to be in the present moment. This is all valuable information that can help you get to know yourself and your tendencies.

Journaling

Journaling is a practice of self-reflection that can help you notice how you think and behave and even which areas in your life you may wish to improve. It can be a therapeutic way to gain insight into your life events and relationships.

Talk Therapy

During therapy—such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)—a therapist works with you to address negative thought patterns or behaviors.

By understanding the underlying cause of your negative thoughts, for instance, you’re in a more advantageous position to change them and use healthy coping mechanisms instead.

Develop Your Emotional Intelligence

Self-awareness and emotional intelligence (EQ) go hand in hand. EQ refers to a person’s ability to perceive their own emotions and those of others. Someone with a high EQ can effectively respond to emotions with empathy and compassion.

Of course, no one is perfect, and EQ is a skill like any other. But by learning to express your emotions in a healthy way and practicing active listening in your relationships, you’re contributing to the expansion of your self-awareness as well.

Try Our EQ Test

Our fast and free EQ test can help you determine whether or not your responses to certain situations in life indicate a high level of emotional intelligence:

This EQ test was reviewed by Steven Gans, MD.

When Self-Awareness Leads to Self-Consciousness

Sometimes, people can become overly self-aware and veer into what is known as self-consciousness. Have you ever felt like everyone was watching you, judging your actions, and waiting to see what you will do next? This heightened state of self-awareness can leave you feeling awkward and nervous in some instances.

In many cases, these feelings of self-consciousness are only temporary and arise when we are “in the spotlight.” For some people, however, excessive self-consciousness can reflect a chronic condition such as social anxiety disorder.

If you struggle with self-consciousness, discuss your symptoms with a doctor or mental health professional to learn more about what you can do to cope with these feelings.

If you and your boo have been seeing each other for some time and things are going well, the thought of moving in together may start to cross your mind. 

Living together is a pretty big step, so whether it’s your first time or you’ve lived with a partner before, you probably want to make sure you’re ready to take that leap.

Sure Signs That You’re Ready to Move in Together

Dr. Romanoff lists some signs that you’re ready to move in with your partner, as well as some indications that you’re not quite there yet (and there’s nothing wrong with that!).

You’re Basically Living Together Already

If you feel as if you’re basically living with your partner already, it could be a sign that you’re ready to move in together. For instance, you might spend five or six nights a week together and find that this arrangement works seamlessly for you both.

You’re Ready to Deepen Your Commitment

Another sign is that you want to make a greater commitment to your partner. The prospect of waking up next to them every day excites you rather than inspiring feelings of terror. 

You’re Both on the Same Page

You and your partner want the same things and are clear about where the relationship is headed.

Otherwise, having different expectations and timelines can lead to a lot of friction and disappointment.

You’ve Discussed Finances 

Moving in with a partner is different than living with a roommate, as the financial structure of the relationship is not as clear and concise. There are many more grey areas, and that speaks to the need for a thorough conversation about finances. 

Feeling stable in your financial situation with your partner, having open discussions about money, and navigating fiscal planning together indicates that you’re not only ready to move in together but that you’re equipped to manage most of the hardships couples struggle with in the early stages of cohabitation.

You’re Not Moving in to Solve a Problem

People who move in together to solve a problem tend to struggle because moving in will only be a short-term solution to a problem that will exist deeper into the relationship. 

You should move in together when you feel that this step is symbolic of becoming more committed to each other, while also holding the understanding that you are each two separate beings who can maintain a level of independence from each other.

Tips to Help You Adapt to Living Together

Below, Dr. Romanoff shares some tips that can help you adapt to living with your partner. 

Check in With Each Other Regularly

The early stages of moving in are important because you’re learning about each other and navigating this new experience together. 

This fosters a sense of consideration and acknowledgment of the things you appreciate about each other and what could be done to improve the relationship.

Keep Communication Lines Open

Overcommunicate about everything. If something bugs you about your partner, be proactive in creating solutions and communicating what doesn’t work for you. 

Communicating your needs and priorities upfront will save you a great deal of time and stress down the line, before problematic behaviors become entrenched patterns. 

Maintain Your Independence

It’s essential for each of you to maintain your own distinct worlds and then come back together to invigorate and strengthen the relationship. If either of you does not make efforts to do this, you can easily become codependent and resentful of each other. This can take a toll on your mental health and your relationship.

What to Do If It Doesn’t Work Out

If the living situation is not working, Dr. Romanoff recommends asking for what you need instead of staying silent. She says even if you and your partner were secure and in-sync before the move, this is a significant transition and will require a great deal of flexibility, self-reflection, and compromise on each partner’s part.

Are you in a situation where you’re seeing someone but it’s not exactly a relationship? You and your partner have fun as a couple and may even be intimate, but you haven’t committed to each other or discussed a future together.

If so, you may be in a “situationship” or relationship without a commitment, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University. Learn what a situationship is, its pros and cons, and some next steps you can take if you find yourself in one.

What Is a Situationship?

Situationships can be defined as “romantic relationships with no clarity or label.” They might include affection, sexual behaviors, and spending time together but also involve low levels of commitment.

Put simply, a situationship is essentially a relationship without any commitment, says Dr. Romanoff. She adds that this type of arrangement allows individuals to experience the benefits of being in a relationship and being single simultaneously.

But a situationship can also leave you unsure what to say when someone asks whether you’re seeing someone. “It’s complicated” may be the only response that seems appropriate.

Characteristics of a Situationship

How do you know whether your relationship could be defined as a situationship? Here are a few characteristics to look for:

• The relationship is undefined. You and your partner may not have had the “What are we?” conversation to define the relationship, set expectations, and outline boundaries. It may feel too early to have the conversation, or you may not feel comfortable bringing it up.
• There’s no consistency. A lack of consistency is a major sign that you’re in a situationship according to Dr. Romanoff. It can be hard to know what to expect from your partner—for instance, you may not know when you’ll see them next, how long they’ll take to respond to a text, or whether they’ll make the effort to reach out. 
• There’s no mention of the future. People in a relationship often plan for the future in some capacity, whether it’s going to an event a few months down the road or longer-term plans to settle down and have a family. In a situationship, there’s typically no discussion of the future.
• The connection is superficial. Though you and your partner may spend time together or even be intimate with each other, you may not have developed a deep emotional connection. The conversation may be superficial and you may notice that they never ask you personal questions, says Dr. Romanoff.
• The relationship is based on convenience. You and your partner may not prioritize each other or go out of your way to see each other. Instead, you tend to make spur-of-the-moment plans based on convenience, if you have a gap in your schedule, or if something else doesn’t work out, for instance.
• The relationship is not exclusive. In a situationship, you and your partner may not have discussed being exclusive and one or both of you may be seeing other people.
• There isn’t much follow-up. You and your partner may be in “relationship mode” in person but switch back to “casual mode” when apart, says Dr. Romanoff. You may also notice that they don’t take a lot of initiative or follow up with you on conversations or plans.

Pros and Cons of a Situationship

There are both pros and cons of a situationship says Dr. Romanoff. Here are several of each to consider.

Advantages of a Situationship

The biggest advantage of a situationship is that there is less responsibility. Relationships can consume a significant amount of emotional energy. Situationships, on the other hand, don’t require a huge emotional investment.

People who tend to gravitate towards situationships are those who want emotional connection and intimacy with a partner in a compartmentalized way. This type of relationship allows them to have an emotional presence and connection in person, but when apart, they can have their freedom.

A situationship also offers a fun, stress-free way to enjoy the benefits of a relationship without a major emotional commitment. That is, as long as both partners are on the same page.

Disadvantages of a Situationship

A major disadvantage of a situationship is that each partner may have different expectations for the relationship. Even though both partners might agree on the dynamics when they enter the situationship, one person might grow to want more than the other is willing to give.

It can also be stressful to be in a relationship without stability or consistency. This is particularly true if you start to develop expectations of your partner, but they have not committed to meeting those expectations. 

Relationship status can also contribute to your identity and play a role in social dynamics. So, there may be times when not having a committed partner can make you feel deficient.

Mental Health Impact of Being in a Situationship

In a situationship, neither party may be honest about what they want out of the arrangement. In some cases, one person might be content with the casual relationship type of set-up, while the other is hoping that it turns into something more. 

Additionally, because situationships tend to be superficial, the partner wanting more usually does not know the other person well. This causes them to idealize their partner and, in turn, devalue themselves. 

People who repeatedly find themselves in these types of relationships tend to struggle with self-worth and find themselves attracted to partners who make them feel they must earn love. This can lead to an unhealthy dynamic.

What to Do If You’re in a Situationship

If you’re in a situationship, Dr. Romanoff shares some advice that could be helpful: 

• Be honest about your feelings: It’s important to be honest with yourself and to be clear about your intentions for the relationship.
• Ask for what you want: If you’re interested in a more serious relationship, consider stating how you feel about the person and asking for what you want. Either they feel the same and want to pursue a more serious relationship with you, or they don’t and you can move on and find someone who does value you. It’s always better to have an answer because it enables you to move forward.
• Avoid the passive approach: If you do want something more from the other person than a casual relationship, taking a passive approach may be more harmful than you realize. Spending time without making your intentions or needs known perpetuates the illusion that you could still have a chance but, in reality, it does little to actually change your situation.
• Communicate your position: If you are in a situationship and genuinely content with it, it is important to communicate that effectively to your partner. Communicate your needs, boundaries, and expectations from the beginning to prevent hurt feelings in the future.