Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Raise your hand if you’re a hopeless romantic, someone who has an idealized view of love (it’s OK, we are, too). Chances are, you tend to think of relationships as fairytale-like romances and look for your soulmate in every partner you’re with. Regardless of any red flags or past experiences that might suggest otherwise, you truly believe that, ultimately, love conquers all.

This projection of love often isn’t grounded in the depth of intimacy and connection—which is often rather unromantic—but instead in the pursuit of chasing the fairy tale narrative of love, says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”

Being a hopeless romantic can involve ups and downs. While it can mean you approach love and relationships with positivity and hopefulness, it can also mean that you get easily hurt or disappointed if reality doesn’t live up to your expectations.

We asked the relationship experts to share some signs of a hopeless romantic and what to do if you are one.

What Are the Traits of a Hopeless Romantic?

These are some signs that can indicate you are a hopeless romantic.

You Have a Fairy Tale-Like View of Love

If you’re a hopeless romantic, chances are you love fairy tales and rom-coms where charming characters meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after.

You probably have a fantasy of what your happily ever after looks like, and you probably date as a means to find a partner to fit the fantasy, says Dr. Romanoff.

You Get Invested in Relationships Very Quickly

When you start dating someone, rather than taking a slow, cautious approach to dating, you tend to get invested in the relationship early on.

For example, you may find yourself fantasizing about a permanent future with a person you’ve only been on a few dates with, says Dr. Romanoff. “Or, you might spend a lot of time thinking about the person, replaying everything they said, and forecasting the future—all of which creates a false sense of closeness and intense feelings for the person,” she adds.

You Idealize Your Partner

You’re looking for your soulmate; everyone you meet might be “the one.”

This might cause you to idealize your partner in a way that doesn’t match your actual experience of them but helps you cope with their negative qualities, says de Llano.

You Give a Lot to Each Relationship

You might invest a lot of time, effort, and emotional energy in every relationship, says Dr. Romanoff. You may also spend a lot of money on your partner, taking them on expensive dates or buying them lavish presents.

However, it may be one-sided if your partner is not on the same page, so you may be giving a lot more than you’re getting.

You Ignore Potential Red Flags

Red flags are warning signs that your partner may not be the right person for you. It’s important that people heed these signs in order to avoid major ruptures down the road, Dr. Romanoff explains.

If you’re a hopeless romantic, you may ignore red flags and turn a blind eye to the person’s imperfections so you can still have your fairy tale fantasy, says Dr. Romanoff. “You are more interested in casting the role of your perfect partner than truly getting to know the other person for who they are.”

Is Being a Hopeless Romantic a Good Thing?

Being a hopeless romantic can be a good thing as well as a bad thing. 

On the positive side, being a hopeless romantic can be helpful as opening yourself up to love requires significant vulnerability, says Dr. Romanoff. “Despite past heartbreak and pain, hopeless romantics see the good in others and believe in their potential.”

On the flip side, however, having unrealistic fairy tale-like expectations is not healthy because a relationship can’t possibly sustain it, says de Llano. “Unrealistic idealization can be harmful, as it keeps you from seeing the relationship as it truly is and your partner in the wholeness of who they are.”

Research shows that unrealistic expectations can be harmful to your mental well-being and lead to lower relationship satisfaction.

What to Do If You’re a Hopeless Romantic

The experts suggest some strategies that may be helpful if you’re a hopeless romantic:

• Evaluate your partner holistically: Dr. Romanoff says it’s important to reflect on the things you like, dislike, and are unsure about in a potential partner. “This helps you develop a more holistic view of the person and forces you to consider the things that might make you incompatible.”
  Know your needs and set boundaries: Be clear about who you are, what you want, and the treatment you will and won’t accept in a relationship and don’t lower your standards or betray your boundaries because you don’t want to be alone or you’re scared you won’t find love, says Dr. Romanoff. “Don’t accept treatment that is below your standards in exchange for that love.”
• Recognize your strengths: Work on recognizing your strengths, values, identity, and emotions so that you feel more capable of withstanding all the things life and relationships throw at you, says de Llano. Recognizing your own strengths can keep you from unrealistically idealizing a partner or pursuing relationships in order to avoid being alone.
• Consider therapy: Oftentimes, we idealize our partners because we are scared of being hurt, alone, or abandoned, says de Llano. “A mental healthcare professional can work with you to explore why you tend to deflect seeing your partner’s negative qualities, teach you how to cope with uncomfortable feelings of fear or insecurity, and help you build healthier attachments.”

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do people fall in love? And why are some forms of love long-lasting while others are so fleeting? Love is a basic human emotion, but understanding how and why it happens is not necessarily easy. Still, many have tried to learn more about this feel-good emotion.

Psychologists and researchers have proposed several different theories of love to explain how it forms as well as how it endures. Here are five of the major theories proposed to explain the psychology of love and other emotional attachments.

Liking vs. Loving

In 1970, psychologist Zick Rubin proposed an explanation for the difference between liking and loving. Sometimes we experience a great amount of appreciation and admiration for others. We enjoy spending time with a person and want to be around them. This is “liking,” according to Rubin, and doesn’t necessarily qualify as love.

Love is much deeper, more intense, and includes a strong desire for physical intimacy and contact. People who are “in like” enjoy each other’s company, while those who are “in love” care as much about the other person’s needs as they do their own.

Rubin believed that romantic love is made up of three elements:

Based on these elements, Rubin devised a questionnaire to assess a person’s attitudes toward others. He found that scales ranging from liking to loving provided support for his conception of love.

The Color Wheel Model of Love

In his 1973 book The Colors of Love, psychologist John Lee provided another theory of love, which compared styles of love to the color wheel. Just as there are three primary colors, Lee suggested that there are also three primary styles of love:

• Eros: The term Eros stems from the Greek word meaning “passionate” or “erotic.” Lee suggested that this type of love involves both physical and emotional passion. It represents love for an ideal person.
• Ludus: Ludus comes from the Greek word meaning “game.” This form of love is conceived as playful and fun but not necessarily serious. Those who exhibit this form of love are not ready for commitment and are wary of too much intimacy. So, it represents love as a game.
• Storge: Storge stems from the Greek term meaning “natural affection.” This form of love includes familial love between parents and children, siblings, and extended family members. This love can also develop out of friendship, where people who share interests and commitments gradually develop affection for one another. Therefore, it represents love as friendship.

Lee’s 6 Styles of Loving

Lee later proposed that just as the primary colors can be combined to create other colors, the three primary styles of love could also be combined to create secondary love styles. So, in 1977, Lee expanded the list of love styles.

The three new secondary love styles were:

• Mania: A combination of Eros and Ludus, representing obsessive love
• Pragma: A combination of Ludus and Storge, representing realistic and practical love
• Agape: A combination of Eros and Storge, representing selfless love

Triangular Theory of Love

In 1986, psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed the triangular theory of love. Under this theory, love has three components:

• Intimacy
• Passion
• Commitment

Different combinations of these three components result in different types of love. For example, combining intimacy and commitment results in compassionate love while combining passion and intimacy leads to romantic love.

According to Sternberg’s triangular theory, relationships built on two or more elements are more enduring than those based on a single component. Sternberg uses the term consummate love to describe combining intimacy, passion, and commitment. While this type of love is the strongest and most enduring, Sternberg suggests that it is also rare.

Attachment Theory of Love

In 1987, Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver, two researchers from the University of Denver, shared their views on the psychology of love. They theorized that romantic love is a biosocial process similar to how children form attachments with their parents. Their theory is modeled after psychologist John Bowlby’s attachment theory.

According to Hazan and Shaver’s attachment theory of love, a person’s attachment style is partially formed by the relationship they had with their parents in childhood. This same basic style then continues into adulthood, where it becomes part of their romantic relationships.

The three styles of adult attachment are:

• Anxious/ambivalent: A person with this style often worries that their partner doesn’t love them. Sometimes they want to be with their partner so much that it scares the other person away.
• Avoidant: Someone with this style is uncomfortable getting close to others. They also typically experience difficulty with developing trust.
• Secure: As its name suggests, the secure attachment style involves being secure in the relationship. Someone who is secure has very few worries of abandonment or fears of someone else getting too close.

Hazan and Shaver also proposed that one’s experiences in love and attachment affect their beliefs, which affect their relationship outcomes. It is a cyclical process that can be okay for people with a more secure attachment style but could also create issues for someone who is avoidant or anxious/ambivalent in their relationships.

Compassionate vs. Passionate Love

In 1988, psychologist Elaine Hatfield added to our theories of love by proposing that there are two basic types of love: compassionate love and passionate love.

• Compassionate love is characterized by mutual respect, attachment, affection, and trust. This love usually develops out of feelings of mutual understanding and shared respect for one another.
• Passionate love is characterized by intense emotions, sexual attraction, anxiety, and affection. When these intense emotions are reciprocated, people feel elated and fulfilled, while unreciprocated love leads to feelings of despondency and despair.

Hatfield suggests that passionate love arises when cultural expectations encourage falling in love, when the person meets one’s preconceived ideas of ideal love, and when one experiences heightened physiological arousal in the presence of the other person. This love is transitory, according to Hatfield, usually lasting between 6 and 30 months.

Ideally, passionate love leads to compassionate love, which is far more enduring. While most people desire relationships that combine the security and stability of compassionate love with intense passionate love, Hatfield believes that this is rare.

There are times in life when you might start to question what it all *really* means. An existential crisis is the unease people experience about meaning, choice, and freedom in life. This existential anxiety might make you feel that life is inherently pointless and that existence has no meaning. An existential crisis can also lead to confusion about your sense of identity.

Existential anxiety tends to arise during transitions and reflects difficulty adapting, often related to losing safety and security. For example, a college student moving away from home or an adult going through a difficult divorce might feel as though the foundation on which their life was built is crumbling. This can lead to questioning the meaning of their existence.

For existentialists—those who embrace a philosophy focusing on meaning and purpose—an existential crisis is considered a journey, an awareness, a necessary experience, and a complex phenomenon. It arises from an awareness of your own freedoms and how life will end for you one day.

Identifying an Existential Crisis

During an existential crisis, a person may experience a variety of symptoms, including:

An existential crisis often occurs after major life events, such as:

• Career or job change
• Death of a loved one
• Diagnosis of a serious or life-threatening illness
• Entering a significant age category, such as 40, 50, or 65
• Experiencing a tragic or traumatic experience
• Having children
• Marriage or divorce

People with the following mental health conditions may also be more prone to having an existential crisis; though these disorders don’t cause an existential crisis:

Types of Existential Crises

“Existential crisis” is an umbrella term that can be used to describe or group together many types of issues. Understanding what type you are experiencing and what is at the root of the problem can help you figure out how to manage it.

Fear and Responsibility

Existentialism emphasizes that we are all free to make choices in life, and with this freedom to make choices, comes responsibility. However, given the ultimate fate of death, your actions can appear meaningless when viewed in relation to the bigger picture of your life.

Existentialism postulates that we have this anxiety or angst because there is no “right” path and no guide to tell us what to do. In essence, each of us must make meaning in our own lives. If this responsibility feels too great, we may retreat into ways of behaving that shield us from this feeling of anxiety.

Meaning of Life

If you struggle with existential anxiety, you might be asking, “What is the point of living?” As you move through transitions in your life and lose the security of a familiar context and structure, you might question the point of life if, in the end, the result is that you die. Why go through the motions?

French philosopher, journalist, and author Albert Camus argued that the ability to have passion for what could otherwise be considered a meaningless life reflects an appreciation for life itself. If you can stop trying to live for the end or the “goal” and start living for the act of “being” itself, then your life becomes about living it fully, choosing integrity, and being passionate.

This sounds not surprisingly like the foundation of mindfulness meditation in the medical model of anxiety.

Authenticity

An existential crisis might move you toward authenticity, which may also bring anxiety. You might have thoughts about the fleetingness of your existence and how you are living it. When you stop taking for granted that you will wake up each day alive, you might experience anxiety but, at the same time, deeper meaning.

You might notice that all the day-to-day mundane problems that bothered you so much no longer seem to matter, and all the thoughts and fears and anxiety about the mundane fall away, because you are faced with a much bigger problem.

At the end of your life, will any of this matter? Will it matter what career you chose, how much money you had, or what car you drove?

Major Life Event or Phase of Life

Many people experience an existential crisis when they transition into a new phase of life, such as from childhood to adulthood or from adulthood into senior living. Major life events, including graduations, starting a new job or switching careers, marriage or divorce, having children, and retiring, can also bring on an existential crisis.

Death and Illness

Losing a partner, parent, sibling, child, or other loved one often forces people to face their own mortality and question the meaning of their own life. Similarly, if you are facing a serious or life-threatening illness, you may have an existential crisis that causes you to become overwhelmed with thoughts of death and the meaning of life.

Tips for Overcoming Existential Anxiety

Given that existential anxiety is related to an awareness of the ultimate boundaries in life, which are death and chance, anxiety of this type can be seen as unavoidable rather than pathological. Because of this, each of us must find a way to “live with” this anxiety rather than eliminate it—or so existentialists argue.

There are both helpful and unhelpful ways of responding to an existential crisis. One is the choice not to live at all or to give up on life. A second is to become so absorbed in daily distractions that you don’t live an authentic life. This is said to leave no room for existential anxiety, but also no room for an authentic life.

It’s a maladaptive coping or avoidance strategy, in essence. How many people do you know who go through life with “eyes wide shut,” never looking at the big picture?

Positive Ways to Handle an Existential Crisis

However, experiencing an existential crisis can also be positive; it can force you to question your purpose in life and help provide direction. Here’s help in making an existential crisis a positive experience for you or someone you love:

• Write it down. Can you let this existential anxiety motivate you and guide you toward a more authentic life? What can this anxiety teach you about your relatedness to the world? Pull out a notebook and jot down your thoughts on these questions. The answers to these questions will help you cope with an existential crisis.
• Seek support. Talking with loved ones about your existential anxiety can help you gain a different perspective on life and remind you of the positive impact you’ve had on their lives. Ask them to help you identify your most positive and admirable qualities.
• Try meditation. Meditation can help you replace negative thoughts and help prevent anxiety and obsessive worry linked to an existential crisis.

History of Our Understanding of Existential Crises

The term “existential crisis” has its roots in the philosophy of existentialism, which focuses on the meaning and purpose of existence from an overall and individual perspective.

They view the ultimate concerns of life as death, freedom, isolation, and meaninglessness. These concerns are thought to cause feelings of dread and angst because we can never be sure that our choices are the right ones, and once a choice is made, the alternative has to be rejected.

In 1844, Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard wrote, “Whoever has learnt to be anxious in the right way, has learnt the ultimate.” This expresses the idea that existential anxiety goes beyond fear about day-to-day troubles.

Treatment for an Existential Crisis

While there is no specific treatment for dealing with existential anxiety, there are treatments that can be helpful. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and medication can help address symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues that may accompany existential anxiety, including thoughts of suicide.

Talking to a professional can be very helpful in reducing existential anxiety. If you find yourself grappling with existential angst, whether due to a transition or life-changing event, self-care approaches that focus on finding meaning may also be helpful.

Implicit memory and explicit memory are both types of long-term memory. Information you remember unconsciously and effortlessly (like how to ride a bike) is known as implicit memory, while information that you have to consciously work to remember (such as recalling items on your to-do list) is known as explicit memory.

Explicit and implicit memory play important roles in shaping our ability to recall information and interact in our environment. Knowing some of the major differences between the two is important for understanding how memory works.

Learn what implicit and explicit memory are and how they work. We also discuss the differences between the two types of memory and the various factors that can affect your implicit and explicit memory.

What Is Implicit Memory?

Information that people don’t purposely try to remember is stored in implicit memory, which is also sometimes referred to as unconscious memory or automatic memory. This kind of memory is both unconscious and unintentional.

Where explicit memories are conscious and can be verbally explained, implicit memories are usually non-conscious and not verbally articulated. Implicit memories are often procedural and focused on the step-by-step processes that must be performed in order to complete a task. 

Procedural memories, such as how to perform a specific task like swinging a baseball bat or making toast, are one type of implicit memory since you don’t have to consciously recall how to perform these tasks. While implicit memories are not consciously recalled, they still influence how you behave, as well as your knowledge of different tasks.

Examples of Implicit Memory

Some examples of implicit memory include singing a familiar song, typing on your computer keyboard, and brushing your teeth. Riding a bike is another example. Even after going years without riding one, most people are able to hop on a bike and ride it effortlessly.

Other examples of implicit memory may include:

• Knowing how to use utensils and dress yourself each day
• Navigating a familiar area, such as your house or neighborhood
• Recalling how to boil water to fix dinner, or how to drive a car
• Remembering the words to a popular song after hearing the first few notes

These are skills you learn and don’t have to relearn again in order to perform them. These memories are largely unconscious and occur automatically; you don’t need to think about all of the exact steps you need to follow in order to complete each task.

What Is Explicit Memory?

When you’re trying to intentionally remember something (like a formula for your statistics class or a friend’s mailing address), this information is stored in your explicit memory. People use these memories every day, from remembering information for a test to recalling the date and time of a doctor’s appointment.

Explicit memory is also known as declarative memory since you can consciously recall and explain the information.

Examples of Explicit Memory

Some tasks that require the use of explicit memory include remembering what you learned in your psychology class, recalling your phone number, identifying who the current president is, writing a research paper, and remembering what time you’re meeting a friend to go to a movie.

Other examples of things that are remembered through explicit memory include:

• All of the items on your shopping list
• Birth dates of friends and family members
• Important events from your life, such as your wedding, a special trip, or another notable milestone
• Names and locations of different countries on a map

Many examples of explicit memory involve textbook learning or experiential memories. These are things that you consciously need to bring into awareness.

Differences Between Explicit and Implicit Memory

In order to understand some of the key differences between these two types of memory, it can be helpful to compare the two.

Here’s a quick demonstration that you can try to show how implicit and explicit memory work. Type the following sentence without looking down at your hands: “Every red pepper is tantalizing.” Now, without looking, try naming the ten letters that appear in the top row of your keyboard.

You probably found it quite easy to type the above sentence without having to consciously think about where each letter appears on the keyboard. That task requires implicit memory. Having to recall which letters appear in the top row of your keyboard, however, is something that would require explicit memory.

Since you have probably never sat down and intentionally committed the order of those keys to memory, it’s not something that you are able to easily recall.

Influences on Explicit and Implicit Memory

A number of factors can influence the formation of both explicit and implicit memory, including your stress levels, emotional states, and more.

Stress

One older study found that high stress levels had an effect on working memory, a part of short-term memory that acts as a temporary holding space for information people are focusing on at the moment. This part of memory is important in the formation of explicit memories.

The research also suggested that stress may actually facilitate the formation of implicit memories for negative emotional information. A more recent study, however, found that normal everyday variations in stress levels don’t appear to have a detrimental impact on working memory.

Mood

Research has also suggested that mood can play an essential role in the formation and recall of explicit and implicit memories. In one study, people who were experiencing depressed moods were more likely to show implicit recall of negative information. However, those who were not depressed were more likely to recall positive information implicitly. 

Age

Age can also have an impact on explicit memory. While explicit memory tends to decline with age, implicit memories tend to be preserved.

How Implicit and Explicit Memory Work Together

Implicit memory and explicit memory do not work in isolation—they also interact in a number of ways. For example:

• When riding a bike, implicit memory allows you to engage in the physical actions it takes to ride the bike, but explicit memory allows you to recall the new route you memorized from a map.
• Implicit memory allows you to easily navigate a familiar store, but explicit memory allows you to recall the items on your grocery list.
• You rely on implicit memory to perform cooking-related tasks like boiling water and chopping vegetables, but you must utilize explicit memory to recall a recipe.

For many everyday tasks, implicit memory and explicit memory work together so that you can perform tasks efficiently.

Protecting Implicit and Explicit Memory

Specific strategies and healthy habits can help protect both types of memory. A few steps you can take include:

• Getting enough sleep: Sleep plays an essential role in the memory consolidation process, so make sure you get adequate rest each night.
• Be physically active: Exercise is good for both your brain and body and getting regular physical activity may help you maintain healthy memory throughout life.
• Try brain training activities: Mental exercises can help keep your mind sharp and may even help strengthen certain cognitive skills.
• Eat a healthy diet: Foods that are good for your brain include fruits, vegetables, fatty fish, nuts, and eggs.

Misunderstandings in relationships happen to everyone. However, regularly feeling misunderstood can be a sign of a need to work on communication skills.

Changing how people communicate can improve relationships and help individuals feel understood. One way to accomplish this is through the use of “I feel” statements, also known as feeling statements, I-messages, or just I-statements.

This article discusses what “I feel” statements are, how they are used, and why they are beneficial in communication. It also covers how people can use these feeling statements and potential mistakes to watch for.

What Are ‘I Feel’ Statements?

‘I feel’ statements are a way of communicating the speaker’s feelings or beliefs. Instead of focusing on the actions or behaviors of the listener, feelings statements focus on how those actions make the speaker feel. 

These feeling statements are a powerful communication tool. Used correctly, they can remove an accusatory tone from the speaker’s statements and allow people to express their point without getting a defensive reaction.

‘I feel’ statements can be contrasted with ‘you’ statements, which are more confrontational and place the blame directly on the listener.

Benefits of I-Statements

The idea of “I statements” was introduced during the 1960s by psychologist Thomas Gordon as a way to help children learn to connect emotions with behaviors during play therapy.

These messages can have a number of benefits during communication:

Greater Assertiveness

Feeling statements can be a way to express assertiveness without causing listeners to feel blamed, accused, defensive, or guilty. It allows the speaker to express control and ownership of their emotions without directly accusing the other person of being at fault.

More Effective Conflict Resolution

I-messages are frequently utilized as a way to resolve conflict without putting people on the defensive. By placing the attention primarily on the feelings and needs of the speaker, it focuses the conversation on solving a problem rather than assigning blame.

One reason “I feel” statements might help defuse conflict is a phenomenon known as the norm of reciprocity. People tend to feel a need to reciprocate, including in communication.

More Constructive Feedback

I-messages can also be a helpful way to provide constructive feedback to other people. Rather than leading with criticism, it focuses the conversation on how the speaker feels about it. This can often help the person who is receiving the feedback feel less criticized and more open to making changes.

How to Use Feeling Statements

I-messages can vary in terms of how they are formed and utilized, and they don’t necessarily need to begin with the words, “I feel.” While these messages can vary, there are three essential components of a feeling statement:

Stating Your Feeling

This refers to stating the speaker’s real feelings only, and it starts with the word “I.” I feel ______. When people talk about feelings, they often have a tendency to assign blame first while downplaying the feeling.

For instance, people often say, “You make me so mad,” which typically causes a defensive reaction from the other person at the first word. When the other person is immediately on the defense, they are less likely to listen and respond with an open mind.

Connecting the Feeling to an Issue

Once the feeling is stated, it should be connected to an issue or event. For example, a person might say, “I feel sad when I am alone and you are out having fun with your friends.”

Although there is some mention of the other person’s behavior, the focus continues to be on the uncomfortable feeling experienced by the speaker. Ideally, this allows the other person to concentrate on helping to alleviate the discomfort, rather than defending themselves.

Stating What You Want to Have Happen

Finally, a solution should be given. This might involve a person saying something like, “I feel sad when I am alone and you are out having fun with your friends. I would like to be invited to be with you, even if you are with your friends.”

This solution may not be a real option but does allow for discussion and some sort of compromise. The focus stays on the feeling, and the goal continues to be alleviating the uncomfortable feeling.

Examples of ‘I Feel’ Statements

It can be helpful to look at how feeling statements might be utilized in communication. Both Susan and Karen are experiencing the same situation and feeling, but Karen uses a feeling statement, while Susan does not.

As you look at the example, remember that feeling statements are often called “I statements” as the first word is “I” not “you.”

• Susan says: “You don’t let me say what I want to do.”
• Karen says: “I feel frustrated when we talk about making plans and I don’t get to say what I want to do. I want us to both to have input.”

It is likely that Susan only got a defensive response. Perhaps the other person would start giving examples of how they do let her say what she wants to do, start complaining that they always do what she wants to do, or even complain back that she never asks what they want to do.

Karen, on the other hand, was more likely to receive a response that focused on reducing her frustration level. Perhaps her ideas were sought as well as the other person’s and together they made a plan. Together they focus on the present activity and their feelings instead of blaming one another.

Using feeling statements takes practice, and it may be hard to use them consistently, especially at first. People sometimes find feeling statements extremely difficult. However, everybody can learn to use these and will benefit from non-accusatory communication.

Impact of “I Feel” Statements

Feeling statements are often used in therapy and many mental health professionals encourage their use in everyday communication. Research also suggests that this approach can be helpful when communicating with others:

• A 2018 study found that the use of “I” language was the most effective strategy to use during conflict. The results suggested that using this approach helped minimize the risk that a discussion would lead to further hostility.
• Other researchers have found that couples that utilize “you” language during conflict discussions have less effective interactions.

Uses for “I Feel” Statements

Some settings where I-messages are frequently utilized include:

Marital Counseling

This technique is frequently used in couples therapy to help improve communication in romantic relationships. Couples who are in conflict often find themselves blaming one another for the problems they are facing.

By using “I feel” statements, couples can focus their communication on what they are feeling rather than assigning blame and making their arguments worse. This strategy can also help couples begin to build greater empathy for one another.

Family Therapy

Families are also prone to communication problems that can interfere with the family dynamic and lead to conflict within the family unit. By using feeling statements during family therapy, family members can begin to communicate with one another more effectively.

I-language may help individuals become more receptive to feedback. It also helps each person better understand how their own actions affect other members of the family.

Potential Pitfalls

One common pitfall when using “I feel’ statements is to use them as a way to express judgment or assign blame to the other person. For example, a person might say something like, “I feel like you don’t care.” 

While this statement starts with an expression of how the speaker feels, it concludes with an accusation. This defeats the goal of using feeling statements.

Instead, speakers should keep the focus on their own emotions, how the issue is affecting them, and what solutions might help. For example, the speaker in the previous example might say, “I feel sad that I have to do this alone. It would really make me feel better if you could help me with this.”

Summary

“I feel” statements communicate how a speaker feels to help minimize defensiveness and conflict in conversations. Using feeling statements can help people assert themselves while reducing hostility.

These I-statements should state how the speaker is feeling, connect it to an issue, and offer a possible solution. Research suggests that I-messages can improve communication, which is why they are often used in couples counseling, family therapy, and other therapeutic interventions.

Psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, refers to techniques that help people change behaviors, thoughts, and emotions that cause them problems or distress. It is an umbrella term that describes treating psychological disorders and mental distress through verbal and psychological techniques.

During this process, a trained psychotherapist helps the client tackle specific or general problems, such as mental illness or a source of life stress. Depending on the approach used by the therapist, a wide range of techniques and strategies can be implemented. Almost all types of psychotherapy involve developing a therapeutic relationship, communicating and creating a dialogue, and working to overcome problematic thoughts or behaviors.

This article discusses the different types of psychotherapy that are available and the potential benefits of psychotherapy. It also covers the different conditions it can treat and its effectiveness for a variety of disorders.

Types of Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy can take different formats depending on the style of the therapist and the needs of the patient. A few formats that you might encounter include:

• Individual therapy, which involves working one-on-one with a psychotherapist.
• Couples therapy, which involves working with a therapist as a couple to improve how you function in your relationship.
• Family therapy, which centers on improving the dynamic within families and can include multiple individuals within a family unit.
• Group therapy, which involves a small group of individuals who share a common goal, mental health condition, or lived experience. This approach allows members of the group to offer and receive support from others, as well as practice new behaviors within a supportive and receptive group.

Psychotherapy Techniques

When people hear the word “psychotherapy,” many imagine the stereotypical image of a patient lying on a couch talking while a therapist sits in a nearby chair jotting down thoughts on a yellow notepad. The reality is that there are a variety of techniques and practices used in psychotherapy.

The exact method used in each situation can vary based upon a variety of factors, including the training and background of the therapist, the preferences of the client, and the exact nature of the client’s current problem. Here is a brief overview of the main types of therapy.

Behavioral Therapy

“Behaviorism” in psychology proposes that every behavior is learned by interacting with one’s environment, and focuses on understanding and changing a person’s behavior rather than their internal world (like their emotions and mood).

When behaviorism became a more prominent school of thought during the early part of the twentieth century, conditioning techniques began to play an important role in psychotherapy. “Conditioning” refers to teaching the client to react to certain triggers, stressors, and situations in a particular way.

While behaviorism may not be as dominant as it once was, many of its methods are still very popular today. Behavioral therapy often uses classical conditioning, operant conditioning, and social learning to help clients alter problematic behaviors.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a psychotherapeutic treatment that helps patients understand the thoughts and feelings that influence their behaviors. CBT is used to treat a range of conditions including phobias, addiction, depression, and anxiety.

CBT involves cognitive and behavioral techniques to change negative thoughts and maladaptive behaviors. The approach helps people to change underlying thoughts that contribute to distress and modify problematic behaviors that result from these thoughts.

Cognitive Therapy

The cognitive revolution of the 1960s also had a major impact on the practice of psychotherapy, as psychologists began to increasingly focus on how human thought processes influence behavior and functioning.

For example, if you tend to see the negative aspects of every situation, you will probably have a more pessimistic outlook and a gloomier overall mood.

The goal of cognitive therapy is to identify the cognitive distortions that lead to this type of thinking and replace them with more realistic and positive ones. By doing so, people are able to improve their moods and overall well-being.

Humanistic Therapy

Starting in the 1950s, the school of thought known as humanistic psychology began to have an influence on psychotherapy. The humanist psychologist Carl Rogers developed an approach known as client-centered therapy, which focused on the therapist showing unconditional positive regard to the client. This creates a safe space in therapy in which the client can explore feelings and beliefs without fear of judgment from the therapist.

Today, aspects of this approach remain widely used. The humanistic approach to psychotherapy focuses on helping people maximize their potential and stresses the importance of self-exploration, free will, and self-actualization.

Psychoanalytic Therapy

While psychotherapy was practiced in various forms as far back as the time of the ancient Greeks, it received its formal start when Sigmund Freud began using talk therapy to work with patients. Techniques commonly used by Freud included the analysis of transference, dream interpretation, and free association.

This psychoanalytic approach involves delving into a person’s thoughts and past experiences to seek out unconscious thoughts, feelings, and memories that may influence their current behavior.

What Psychotherapy Can Help With

Psychotherapy comes in many forms, but all are designed to help people overcome challenges, develop coping strategies, and lead happier and healthier lives.

If you are experiencing symptoms of a psychological or psychiatric disorder, you might benefit from an evaluation by a trained and experienced psychotherapist who is qualified to assess, diagnose, and treat mental health conditions.

Psychotherapy is used to treat a wide range of mental health conditions, including:

In addition, psychotherapy has been found to help people cope with the following:

How to Get the Most Out of Psychotherapy

The efficacy of therapy can vary depending on a wide range of factors. The nature and severity of your problem will play a role, but there are also things you can do to get the most out of your sessions, including:

• Being honest with your therapist: Don’t try to hide problems or feelings. Your goal is to show up as your true self without trying to hide aspects of your personality that you might be afraid to reveal.
• Feeling your feelings: Don’t try to hide negative or distressing emotions such as grief, anger, fear, or jealousy. Talking about these feelings within the context of therapy can help you understand them better and work through them.
• Being open to the process: Work on forming an open and genuine therapeutic alliance with your therapist. Some research suggests that therapy is most effective when you feel a connection with the mental health professional treating you.
• Attending your sessions: Life gets busy, but try to stick to your treatment plan and scheduled appointments as best you can. 
• Doing the work: If your therapist assigns homework to work on outside of your sessions, make an effort to finish it before the next session.

Benefits

Psychotherapy is often more affordable than other types of mental health treatment and a viable option on its own for those who don’t require psychotropic medication.

You don’t need a diagnosis of mental illness in order to benefit from psychotherapy. Psychotherapy can be helpful even if you just feel that there is something “off” in your life that might be improved by consulting with a mental health professional.

Notable benefits of psychotherapy include:

• Improved communication skills
• Healthier thinking patterns and greater awareness of negative thoughts
• Greater insights about your life
• Ability to make healthier choices
• Better coping strategies to manage distress
• Stronger family bonds

Psychotherapy Effectiveness

One of the major criticisms leveled against psychotherapy calls into question its effectiveness. In one early and frequently cited study, a psychologist named Hans Eysenck found that two-thirds of participants either improved or recovered on their own within two years, regardless of whether they had received psychotherapy.

However, in numerous subsequent studies, researchers found that psychotherapy can enhance the well-being of clients.

In his book “The Great Psychotherapy Debate,” statistician and psychologist Bruce Wampold reported that factors such as the therapist’s personality as well as their belief in the effectiveness of the treatment played a role in the outcome of psychotherapy.

Surprisingly, Wampold suggested that the type of therapy and the theoretical basis of the treatment do not have an effect on the outcome. This disagreement has motivated researchers to continue to examine and study the effectiveness of psychotherapy.

More recent research has shown that psychotherapy is an effective form of treatment for some anxiety disorders, mood disorders, and eating disorders as well as grief and trauma.

Things to Consider

There are a number of issues or concerns for both therapists and clients. When providing services to clients, psychotherapists need to consider issues such as informed consent, patient confidentiality, and duty to warn.

Informed consent involves notifying a client of all of the potential risks and benefits associated with treatment. This includes explaining the exact nature of the treatment, any possible risks, costs, and the available alternatives. It is only with informed consent that a client can enter into an ethical and helpful relationship with their therapist.

Because clients frequently discuss issues that are highly personal and sensitive in nature, psychotherapists also have a legal obligation to protect a patient’s right to confidentiality. However, one instance where psychotherapists have the right (and actually, the responsibility) to breach patient confidentiality is if clients pose an imminent threat to either themselves or others. This responsibility is called duty to warn.

How to Know If You Need Psychotherapy

You might realize that psychotherapy can help with life’s problems, but it can still be difficult to seek help or to even recognize when it is time to talk to a professional.

Some key signs that it might be time to see a psychotherapist are when:

• The issue is causing significant distress or disruption in your life. If you feel that the problem you are facing interrupts a number of important areas of your life, including school, work, and relationships, it may be time to try psychotherapy.
• You are relying on unhealthy or dangerous coping mechanisms. If you find yourself dealing with your problem in unhealthy ways such as by smoking, drinking, overeating, or taking out your frustrations on others, seeking assistance can help you find healthier and more beneficial coping strategies.
• Friends and family are concerned about your well-being. If it has reached a point where other people are worried about your emotional health, it may be time to see if psychotherapy can improve your psychological state.
• Nothing you have tried so far has helped. You’ve read self-help books, explored some techniques you read about online, or even tried just ignoring the problem, yet things just seem to be staying the same or even getting worse.

How to Get Started

Psychotherapy can be an effective treatment choice for a range of psychological issues. You don’t have to wait until your life becomes so overwhelming that you can’t cope to ask for help. The sooner you reach out, the sooner you can get the help you need to live a healthier, happier life.

If you feel that you or someone you love might benefit from this form of therapy, consider the following steps:

• Consult with your primary physician. Your doctor might begin by ruling out any physical diseases that could cause or contribute to your symptoms. If no specific physical cause is found, your doctor can refer you to a mental health professional who is qualified to diagnose and treat mental illness.
• Look for a qualified individual. People who provide psychotherapy can hold a number of different titles or degrees. Titles such as “psychologist” or “psychiatrist” are protected and carry specific educational and licensing requirements. Some of the individuals who are qualified to offer psychotherapy include psychiatrists, psychologists, licensed counselors, licensed social workers, and advanced psychiatric nurses.
• Choose the right therapist. When selecting a therapist, consider whether you feel comfortable divulging personal information to the therapist. You should also assess the therapist’s qualifications, including the type of degree they hold and years of experience. Referrals from friends and family members can sometimes be a good route to connecting with a therapist who can help you.
• Consider whether you need medication. Your symptoms should play a role in the treatment and therapist you choose. For example, if the best treatment for you would require prescription medications and psychotherapy, seeing a psychiatrist may be beneficial. If you would most benefit from some form of talk therapy without the addition of prescription drugs, you might be referred to a clinical psychologist or counselor.
• Be prepared to fill out paperwork. When getting started with therapy, your therapist will likely collect your health history as well as personal contact information. You will also likely need to sign some consent forms.
• Don’t be afraid to try different therapists. Psychotherapy is both an art and a science. If your sessions don’t feel helpful or you just don’t seem to “click” with your current therapist, it’s OK to try therapy with someone else. Keep looking until you find a professional that you feel comfortable with.

Psychotherapy can be helpful for people who are experiencing a mental health problem, but it can also be beneficial for people interested in learning new coping strategies or better understanding their own thoughts and experiences.

If you are interested in trying psychotherapy, you might start by talking to your primary care physician about your options. Referrals from friends, referral services, and online therapist directories can also be a great way to find a therapist.