The Concept of Obedience in Psychology

Key Takeaways

  • Obedience means doing what someone with more power tells you to do.
  • Experiments show that many people will do what they are told, even if it goes against what they believe.
  • Zimbardo’s prison experiment showed how role play can affect actions and obedience.

Obedience is a form of social influence that involves acting on the orders of an authority figure. It often involves actions a person would not have taken unless they were directed to do so by someone of authority or influence.

To understand obedience, it is important to also understand how it differs from compliance and conformity. Compliance involves changing your behavior at the request of another person, while conformity consists in altering your behavior to go along with the rest of the group.

Obedience vs. Conformity: How They Differ

Obedience is an essential concept in psychology. The question of why people obey others, its impact on society, and the factors that impact obedience are essential in understanding social behavior and social influence.  However, obedience must be distinguished from other types of social influence, including conformity.

Obedience differs from conformity in three key ways:

  • Obedience involves an order; conformity involves a request.
  • Obedience is obeying someone of a higher status; conformity is going along with people of equal status.
  • Obedience relies on social power; conformity relies on the need to be socially accepted.

Recap

Where obedience relies on direct orders, the perceived status and power of the person giving those orders, conformity is more about fitting in with the group. People obey because they are commanded to, but conform because they want to gain approval from their peers.

Milgram’s Obedience Experiments

During the 1950s, psychologist Stanley Milgram became intrigued with the conformity experiments performed by Solomon Asch. Asch’s work had demonstrated that people could easily be swayed to conform to group pressure, but Milgram wanted to see just how far people would be willing to go.

The trial of Adolf Eichmann, who had planned and managed the mass deportation of Jews during World War II, helped spark Milgram’s interest in obedience.

Throughout the trial, Eichmann suggested that he was simply following orders. He claimed that he felt no guilt for his role in the mass murders because he had only been doing what his superiors requested and he had played no role in the decision to exterminate the captives.

Milgram’s Question

After the horrors of the Holocaust, some people, such as Eichmann, explained their participation in the atrocities by suggesting they were doing as they were commanded.

Milgram had set out to explore the question, “Are Germans different?” In other words, he wondered if perhaps there were some factors at work that had made German citizens obey orders more than others might. He soon discovered, however, that many people are surprisingly obedient to authority.

Milgram wanted to know—would people really harm another person if they were ordered to by an authority figure? Just how powerful is the pressure to obey?

Milgram’s Results

Milgram’s studies involved placing participants in a room and directing them to deliver electrical shocks to a “learner” located in another room. Unbeknownst to the participant, the person supposedly receiving the shocks was actually in on the experiment and was merely acting out responses to imaginary shocks.

Surprisingly, Milgram found that 65% of participants were willing to deliver the maximum level of shocks on the experimenter’s orders.

Recent Criticisms Cast Doubt on Milgram’s Findings

Milgram’s experiments have long been criticized as unethical, but more recent findings have further complicated the legacy of his research. After examining experimental archives, researchers found that participants in the famous study were often coerced into delivering shocks, which has significant implications for the study’s final results. 

While 65% of the participants followed orders, it is essential to note that the statistics only apply to one study variation. In other trials, fewer people were willing to go through with the shocks, and in some cases, every participant refused to follow orders.

Modern Replications

Despite the problems with Milgram’s original study, some researchers have been able to replicate his findings. In 2009, researchers partially replicated Milgram’s study, but with a top shock of 150 volts. The study found that obedience rates were only slightly lower than those originally reported by Milgram.

Another 2017 replication conducted by researcher in Poland found that 90% of people were willing to go to the highest voltage level.

Recap

While Milgram’s study had problems, subsequent research has suggested that people are surprisingly willing to obey orders.

Zimbardo’s Prison Experiment

Milgram’s controversial experiments generated a great deal of interest in the psychology of obedience. During the early 1970s, social psychologist Philip Zimbardo staged an exploration into the study of prisoners and prison life.

Zimbardo’s Experiment

He set up a mock prison in the basement of the Stanford University psychology department and assigned his participants to play the roles of either prisoners or guards, with Zimbardo himself acting as the prison warden.

According to the researchers, the study had to be discontinued after a mere six days even though it was initially slated to last two weeks. Why did the researchers end the experiment so early? Because the participants had become so involved in their roles, the guards utilized authoritarian techniques to gain the obedience of the prisoners.

The study’s authors suggested that the guards even subjected the prisoners to psychological abuse, harassment, and physical torture.

The results of the Stanford Prison Experiment are often used to demonstrate how easily people are influenced by characteristics of the roles and situations they are cast in, but Zimbardo also suggested that environmental factors play a role in how prone people are to obey authority.

Contemporary Criticisms

Like Milgram’s experiments, Zimbardo’s experiment has not fared well under more recent analysis. In addition to the long-noted ethical problems with the study, a more recent analysis of the study’s methods has revealed serious issues with the experiment’s design, methods, procedures, and authenticity.

Participants in the study reportedly faked their responses to leave early. Others reported amplifying their behaviors to help give the experimenters the results they were looking for. Critics suggest that the study lacks scientific merit and credibility due to these notable problems with its procedures.

Factors That Impact Obedience

A variety of individual and social factors can impact the likelihood that a person will obey a leader. Some factors that might play a role include:

  • Personality characteristics: Certain personality traits, including conscientiousness and agreeableness, have been linked to greater obedience to authority.
  • Psychological distance: You may be more likely to engage in obedience to authority if the effects of your obedience feel distant, abstract, or unconnected to your life.
  • Ambiguity or lack of information: In ambiguous situations, a person may be more likely to obey someone who seems to have more information than they do.
  • Fear of consequences: Obedience often happens because people fear the consequences of disobedience. Children often obey partners or teachers, for example, because they fear punishment or losing privileges if they disobey.

Understanding the Psychology of Obedience

Recognizing the power of obedience can help shed light on why people sometimes follow the orders of an authority figure, even if it violates their own personal beliefs or morals. Helping leaders understand their power in social situations can also help them use it more effectively and responsibly.

Building this understanding may also help people better recognize abuses of power and find ways to better promote responsible, ethical behavior.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Stangor C, Jhangiani R, Tarry H. Principles of Social Psychology. Victoria: BC campus Open Textbook Project; 2014.

  2. American Psychological Association. Obeying and resisting malevolent orders.

  3. Milgram S. Obedience to Authority: an Experimental View. New York: Harper & Row; 1974.

  4. Perry G. Deception and illusion in Milgram’s accounts of the obedience experimentsTheory Appl Ethics. 2013;2(2):79-92.

  5. Burger JM. Replicating Milgram: Would people still obey today? Am Psychol. 2009;64(1):1-11. doi:10.1037/a0010932

  6. Doliński D, Grzyb T, Folwarczny M, et al. Would you deliver an electric shock in 2015? Obedience in the experimental paradigm developed by Stanley Milgram in the 50 years following the original studies. Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2017;8(8):927-933. doi:10.1177/1948550617693060

  7. American Psychological Association. Demonstrating the Power of Social Situations via a Simulated Prison Experiment.

  8. Blum B. The lifespan of a lieMedium.

  9. Le Texier T. Debunking the Stanford Prison ExperimentAmerican Psychologist. 2019;74(7):823-839. doi:10.1037/amp0000401

  10. Bègue L, Beauvois JL, Courbet D, Oberlé D, Lepage J, Duke AA. Personality predicts obedience in a Milgram paradigmJ Pers. 2015;83(3):299-306. doi:10.1111/jopy.12104

Kendra Cherry

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the “Everything Psychology Book.”


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How Early Relationships Are Internalized


Key Takeaways

  • Object relations theory shows how early relationships, especially with parents, shape how we relate to others later in life.
  • This theory says we have mental images of people that affect how we interact with them, even if they aren’t around.

Object relations theory is centered on our internal relationships with others. According to this theory, our lifelong relationship skills are strongly rooted in our early attachments with our parents, especially our mothers.

Objects refer to people or physical items that symbolically represent a person or part of a person. Object relations, then, are our internalized relationships with those people.

External and Internal Objects

There are two primary types of objects in object relations theory: external and internal ones.

External Objects

An external object is an actual person or thing that someone invests in with emotional energy. A whole object is a person as they actually exist, with all the positive and negative traits they embody.

If we successfully move through the stages of development, we are able to relate to others more as a whole and as they truly are.

Internal Objects

An internal object is our psychological and emotional impression of a person. It is the representation that we hold onto when the person is not physically there, and it influences how we view the person in real life.

Consequently, the internal object greatly impacts our relationship with the person that it represents.

Object Constancy

Object constancy is the ability to recognize that objects do not change simply because we do not see them. Infants begin to learn object constancy when their parents leave for a short time and then return. As children mature, they begin to spend longer periods of time away from their parents.

Whole Object Relations

Another important concept in object relations theory is the idea of whole object relations. This idea suggests that people can view people as an integrated and stable whole. This includes both the positive and negative qualities of a person. 

A person lacking whole object relations may hold a “split” view of other people. This person may see others as either “all good” or “all bad,” depending on how they relate to them in a given moment.

It’s a phenomenon known as “splitting,” and it tends to be common in people who have borderline personality disorder. 

While the causes of borderline personality disorder are complex, it has been linked to negative childhood experiences, including abuse, trauma, neglect, and abandonment. Other research has found that object relations also predict BPD symptoms.

The Importance of Early Relationships

According to the object relations theory, the way mothers and infants interact plays a crucial role in infant growth and development. If care is adequate or “good enough,” children are able to develop their true selves, which is the part of the baby that is creative and spontaneous.

If the care is inadequate, children create a false self or one that is playing to the needs of others and is based on compliance with others’ expectations, instead of the child’s authentic self.

Over time, acceptable parental care that will create the true self includes the following stages:

  • Father, mother, and infant, all three living together: The dynamics and interactions that the child experiences with their mother and father influence the child’s experience and expectations of what family relationships will be like later in life.
  • Holding: Actual physical affection and holding, including cuddling, holding hands, or lap sitting, is familiar and regular behavior in satisfactory parental care. These later become internalized as a sense of psychological “holding.”
  • Mother and infant living together: Experiencing the daily routine of both psychological and physical care, such as eating, grooming, and interacting through mundane tasks, are important for the baby’s proper development.

According to object relations theory, problems with any of these important experiences can cause issues in developing healthy relationships later in life.

History of Object Relations Theory

The theory emerged as a variation of Freudian psychoanalytic theory. Object relations theory developed during the late 1920s and 1930s and shaped psychoanalytic theory during the 1970s.

Object relations theory grew out of the work of early psychoanalytic thinkers, including:

  • Sandor Ferenczi
  • Harry Stack Sullivan
  • Karl Abraham
  • Margaret Mahler
  • Melanie Klein

While she did not originate the theory, Melanie Klein’s ideas are often identified with object relations theory. Her work diverged from Freud’s theory, which stressed how controlling sexual urges influenced development. Instead, Klein believed that the early months of infancy significantly influenced development.

Ronald Fairborn extended Klein’s ideas, suggesting that these relationships remain essential as children progress from the complete dependence of early childhood to the more independent years of later childhood. He also indicated that children internalize their early experiences.

Object relations theory also influenced John Bowlby’s attachment theory, which stresses the vital impact of early childhood bonds.

Uses for Object Relations Theory

Object relations therapy is an approach rooted in object relations theory. It seeks to help people improve their relationships with others. To do this, people work with a therapist to understand how their childhood relationships may influence their interactions in adult relationships. 

This therapy approach may help people experiencing problems in their relationships. Understanding their emotions and internalized beliefs can help people develop a healthier approach to their social relationships.

For example, a therapist might work to explore some faulty beliefs that may have formed due to poor connections with caregivers in infancy and childhood. People can work to replace these ideas with healthier expectations for how interpersonal and romantic relationships should work.

Object relations theory is sometimes used to treat phobias, particularly those that focus on our relationships with people.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. National Institute of Mental Health. Borderline personality disorder.

  2. Cattane N, Rossi R, Lanfredi M, Cattaneo A. Borderline personality disorder and childhood trauma: Exploring the affected biological systems and mechanismsBMC Psychiatry. 2017;17(1):221. doi:10.1186/s12888-017-1383-2

  3. Huprich SK, Nelson SM, Paggeot A, Lengu K, Albright J. Object relations predicts borderline personality disorder symptoms beyond emotional dysregulation, negative affect, and impulsivityPersonal Disord. 2017;8(1):46-53. doi:10.1037/per0000188

  4. Svrakic DM, Zorumski CF. Neuroscience of object relations in health and disorder: A proposal for an integrative modelFront Psychol. 2021;12:583743. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.583743

  5. Siegel JP. Digging deeper: An object relations couple therapy updateFam Process. 2020;59(1):10-20. doi:10.1111/famp.12509

By Lisa Fritscher

Lisa Fritscher is a freelance writer and editor with a deep interest in phobias and other mental health topics.


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How Long Does It Take to Become a Psychologist?

Key Takeaways

  • Becoming a psychologist takes between eight and 12 years of higher education.
  • To be a clinical psychologist, you need a bachelor’s degree and a doctorate, which takes a total of eight to 12 years.
  • You can start working as a marriage and family therapist with just a master’s degree.

In most cases, becoming a psychologist takes somewhere between eight and 12 years of schooling. However, when considering a career in psychology, this timeframe is not always cut-and-dry. The amount of time it takes to complete your college education depends largely on your specialty area and career interests.

If you want to pursue a career in psychology, it is important to be aware of all the educational and training requirements for becoming a licensed psychologist. Take the time to research your options and carefully examine your goals before you decide if this is the right career for you. This information can help.

Illustration by Joshua Seong, Verywell

Educational Requirements to Become a Psychologist

At a minimum, working in this field generally requires that you earn a bachelor’s degree in psychology or a related field such as sociology, education, anthropology, or social work. The next step is to decide if you want to earn a master’s or doctorate-level degree.

The reason it’s beneficial to make this decision even before beginning undergraduate schooling is that some programs do not offer a master’s degree in psychology. In such cases, you will need to enroll in a graduate program after earning your bachelor’s degree and then spend four to seven years working on your doctorate.

To become a clinical psychologist, you will need an undergraduate degree (four to five years of college) plus a doctorate degree (four to seven years of graduate school). For this specialty area of psychology, most people will spend between eight to 12 years in higher education.

Of course, there are other career options in psychology that do not require as many years of college. For example, you could become a licensed marriage and family therapist with a master’s degree, which would only require two to three years of graduate study.

If you decide not to pursue a doctorate at this point, start looking at different master’s degree programs in psychology or in related fields such as counseling or social work. Learn your options and what each educational path prepares you for in terms of a psychology career.

Bachelor’s Degree

You might want to begin by earning your undergraduate degree in psychology, but some people choose to pursue a degree in a related social science field. While it depends upon the requirements of the individual graduate school you plan to attend, some programs also accept students who have undergraduate degrees in a subject unrelated to psychology or social science.

If you have a degree in a different field and want to become a psychologist, you may need to complete a number of prerequisites before you would be accepted into a graduate program.

Master’s Degree

A master’s degree can be a great way to delve deeper into a specific field of interest. However, a master’s is not always necessary. If you are interested in what is known as a terminal master’s degree in a field such as counseling, social work, or school psychology, you can often enter the workforce immediately after completing your education.

What Is a Terminal Degree?

A terminal degree refers to the highest degree you can achieve in a specific field, which is often a doctoral or graduate degree.

In other cases, you might use your master’s degree as a stepping stone toward a doctorate, or you might choose to forgo a master’s program and go directly into a Ph.D. or Psy.D. program immediately after earning your bachelor’s degree. The path you take depends largely on your career goals and the graduate program offerings at the school you choose to attend.

Doctorate Degree

The length of your doctoral program depends on many factors, including the specialty area you are pursuing as well as whether or not you have already earned a master’s degree. In order to become a licensed psychologist, every state’s licensing board requires that you earn either a Ph.D. (Doctor of Philosophy) or a Psy.D. (Doctor of Psychology).

As with your master’s degree, the doctorate degree you pursue really depends on your career goals. If you are interested in a career in research, a Ph.D. might be the best choice. Ph.D. programs place greater emphasis on research, experimental methods, and training graduates to work as scientists.

If you are more interested in starting a private therapy practice, consider a Psy.D degree. The Psy.D. option tends to be more centered on professional practice and clinical work, preparing graduates to enter careers in mental health.

The American Psychological Association recommends that you enroll in an accredited program. Accreditation provides public notification that an institution or program meets certain standards of quality.

In addition to your doctorate, you will be required to complete a year-long postdoctoral training period before you can be fully licensed to practice in your state.

Degree Requirements for Other Psychology Roles

Becoming a licensed psychologist working in the field of mental health is certainly not the only career option if you are interested in the field of psychology. Licensing requirements for psychologists vary by state and specialty. Careers in forensic or sports psychology, for example, have differing requirements.

It can be helpful to learn about different degree options and requirements for various careers in psychology. Here are a few to consider. Please note that these represent the minimum educational requirements in these fields. Additionally, job opportunities and pay are generally greater with advanced training.

Final Thoughts

Becoming a psychologist requires a substantial commitment of time, but this can be a rewarding career. Before you decide if becoming a psychologist is the right choice for you, consider your goals and resources as well as some of the potential alternatives. There are many different types of mental health professionals.

You might find that being a psychologist is the perfect choice for you, or you may find that an alternative career path is better suited to your needs. For example, you might also consider becoming a psychiatrist, counselor, physical therapist, or enter some other career centered on helping people. There are also a number of types of psychologists and each field has its own educational and training requirements.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

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Kendra Cherry

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the “Everything Psychology Book.”


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6 Harmful Stereotypes About Latin Americans


Key Takeaways

  • Latin America is made up of 33 countries, and it is important to ask individuals how they prefer to be identified.
  • The stereotype that Latin American immigrants take jobs is false; research shows immigration lowers unemployment.

As the United States continues to go through a reckoning with regard to racial and social injustice, many people are eager to examine and refute harmful stereotypes about minority groups. Latin Americans are one example of a large population that has been labeled by such assumptions.

Stereotypes have contributed to the widespread discrimination experienced by Latinx individuals, which can have powerful effects on overall mental and emotional well-being. “Stereotypes are harmful because people tend to see them as the truth,” says Yolanda Renteria, LPC, “which leads to increased criticism, hostility, hate crimes, exclusion, and racism.”

Not only do these behaviors impact the systems (i.e., opportunities for advancement) in which Latinx people live, but they also create constant hypervigilance when Latinx people are in the presence of people from a larger group.


YOLANDA RENTERIA, LPC

Read on for six examples of common Latinx stereotypes to avoid.

“All Latin Americans Have Homogenous Origins”

Latin America is comprised of 33 different countries, located within South America, Central America, and the Caribbean islands. Just like each of the European countries has different cultures and traditions, so do the individual countries in Latin America.

There are a substantial number of people from South America living in the U.S. While many may speak Spanish like those in Mexico and Central America, their heritage is not one and the same.

This is why it’s important to ask a person of Hispanic descent how they’d like to be identified before labeling them yourself. “Recognizing people’s unique cultures, just like we do for people of European descent, helps people feel seen and feel proud of their heritage and ethnic origin,” says Renteria.

Some refer to these stereotypes as “Mexican stereotypes,” but this terminology fails to recognize individuals from other countries within Latin America, which includes Belize, Brazil, Venezuela, and Costa Rica.

“Latin American Immigrants Are Out to Steal American Jobs”

This is another harmful Latinx stereotype that often leads to discrimination and assumptions about one’s immigration status. Yet, high rates of immigration (documented or undocumented) do not exacerbate unemployment. In fact, research suggests the opposite.

According to one study, immigration actually lowers unemployment—even for native individuals. This study also found that immigration positively impacts pricing and public finances.

“Maintaining the false belief that immigrants are stealing people’s jobs usually makes people in the larger group feel threatened and act hostile towards immigrants,” says Renteria, “which leads to a greater sense of being excluded for marginalized groups.”

“Latino Masculinity Equals Dominance and Violence”

This is rooted in the concept of “machismo,” a set of cultural beliefs about manhood. Machismo emphasizes male strength, honor, emotional reserve, and confidence. Like gender roles in any culture, these traits can be helpful or harmful depending on the context.

When certain ideals are taken too far, machismo has been associated with sexist attitudes and emotional repression. However, many Latino men are moving away from rigid gender roles toward a more flexible definition of masculinity, emphasizing positive traits like chivalry and bravery.

“Latin American Women Are Always the Home Caretakers and Don’t Work Traditional Jobs”

Another common stereotype is that Latin American women aren’t part of the American workforce and always default to staying at home and caring for children. This is false.

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that among Latinas aged 25 to 54, over two-thirds are part of the civilian labor force. There are many high-achieving Latin American women in all fields, from law to science and athletics, and perpetuating stereotypes won’t help them pursue their goals.

It is worth noting that prejudice does impact Latin American women’s access to certain jobs. Latin American women are vastly underrepresented in fields commonly dominated by White individuals. For example, only 1% of higher education faculty identify as Latina.

In addition, Latin American women are less likely to be assigned leadership positions. The U.S. Government Accountability Office reports that while approximately 69% of female managers in the country are White, the number of Latino or Hispanic female managers is closer to 12%.

“All Latin American Families Have Multiple Children” 

A study by Pew Research Center reveals that the average family size varies little between ethnicities. Specifically, it noted that all ethnicities of mothers in their early 40s (Hispanic, Black, White, and Asian) had between 2.2 and 2.6 children, on average.

This stereotype is harmful because it plays into the assumption that Latinas are “promiscuous” and destined to become teenage mothers. However, the mean age for giving birth to their first child is 26.5 for mothers of Central or South American ethnicity, 24.1 for those from Puerto Rico, and 23.7 for mothers of Mexican descent.

Some studies have found that young Latino females have similar sexual behaviors as their White counterparts.

“Latin Americans Are Unwilling to Learn English”

This stereotype is heavily present with people assuming the Latin American people they encounter on a daily basis don’t understand what they’re saying or, worse, mock them when they try to communicate with limited English. There tends to be a double standard in these interactions, as only 20% of native-born Americans can speak a second language well enough to hold a conversation.

The stereotype is also fed into by the education system, with teachers and administrators assuming kids who speak English as their second language don’t want to learn. A lack of funding and support for English language learning programs can hamper students’ ability to progress in their studies.

Finally, disparaging someone’s speaking ability or poking fun at their accent (like we often see in popular shows like Modern Family) is sure to do a number on their confidence, even when they want to improve their language skills. 

“Sadly, in the United States, there is still a problem with Spanish from Latinx communities being seen as the less desirable language and accent,” says Renteria. “This is a big reason many immigrants feel shame and inadequate attempting to speak English, even if it’s a few words.”

Embracing all accents equally would likely increase the level of comfort immigrants feel speaking English.


YOLANDA RENTERIA, LPC


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Definition, Types, and Ways to Respond


Key Takeaways

  • Unsolicited advice can feel like criticism and cause stress, especially if it feels judgmental.
  • Some people give advice because they genuinely want to help or connect with you.
  • Setting boundaries can help manage unwanted advice, and learning to respond calmly is essential.

Receiving unsolicited advice is a common issue for many people. And while great insights can come from asking a trusted, caring friend for advice, sometimes advice is offered when you didn’t ask for it.

New moms, college students, and people who work with the public may be more prone to getting unsolicited advice. However, anyone can be on the receiving end of unsolicited advice, and it doesn’t always feel helpful. Unsolicited advice has the potential to create stress.

Learn more about why unsolicited advice can be a problem, why it happens, and ways you can respond.

What Is Unsolicited Advice?

Unsolicited advice involves receiving information, advice, input, or suggestions from others you have not requested. This advice is often unwanted and can leave you feeling irritated, shamed, or judged.

When someone offers their opinion on what you could be doing differently, it can sometimes feel like criticism. In some situations, the advice-givers aren’t judging you, but feeling defensive can make the advice feel like criticism.

Other times, the advice-giver is judging you and your feelings are spot-on. Plus, stress can be compounded if the advice-giver takes offense if their advice isn’t welcomed and followed.

When the advice doesn’t feel right to you, or you reject it, it can put you in a difficult position and create frustration and resentment on both sides.

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Understanding Why People Give Unsolicited Advice

People give advice for many reasons, some of which are well-intentioned, others less so. The key is being able to tell the difference. Understanding a person’s motives can be especially helpful.

Because it’s difficult to know what to do with unsolicited advice, it helps to examine where it might be coming from.

Understanding why a person might be giving you advice you didn’t ask for can also help you determine how to respond. For example, you might react differently to a friend who is trying to help versus a stranger who is actually delivering thinly veiled criticism.

The following are some common helpful and unhelpful reasons people are compelled to give unsolicited advice.

Helpful Motives for Unsolicited Advice

Sometimes, people genuinely just want to help—even when they are not asked to. Whether or not the advice fits your values or specific situation, these motives generally feel better than others. Here are some positive things that motivate people to offer unsolicited advice.

Altruism

Often, people offer advice simply because they think they can help, and they want to make your life easier. Their motives are altruistic.

Perhaps there’s something they think would work perfectly with your situation or personality, and they make suggestions on how to improve your life or reduce your stress, especially if you’re talking to them about a problem.

Even if you just need some validation or emotional support, people may assume you are looking to them for answers. Consequently, they offer advice because they feel an internal pressure to provide answers.

Friendliness

Sometimes a stranger offers unsolicited advice as a way to start a conversation. Or a friend gives advice to forge a connection.

Friends often assume they can help you by offering a solution, even if you didn’t ask for one. This type of advice is well-meaning and can often be helpful at times.

Excitement

Other times, unsolicited advice comes from those who have found something that works for them and want to share it with the world. They see your situation as a perfect fit for this piece of wisdom that’s positively impacted their life.

They may share because they wish someone had told them about it sooner.

It’s also common for people who have faced the same challenges you’re facing to offer solutions or advice, especially when it comes to things that have worked for them. As a result, they assume their solution will benefit you like it did for them, and they cannot wait to share it with you.

Less-Helpful Motives for Unsolicited Advice

These motives, though generally harmless, can feel less positive and helpful. Sometimes this advice is relevant to your situation, but oftentimes it’s not. Here are some examples of advice given with less-than-helpful motives.

Neediness

Sometimes people offer unsolicited advice out of their own neediness. While they may have a lot of knowledge in a certain area that pertains to your situation, their motivations for sharing are all wrong—they’re not doing it for you, but for themselves.

Instead of being altruistic, they share their advice in order to feel valued, powerful, and important.

Helplessness

Sometimes, when you’re sharing your feelings and frustrations with a friend, they are motivated to help you solve your problem and may view you as helpless. If you’re truly looking for help, great. But if you just wanted a supportive ear or a little validation, you may need to communicate that it’s all you’re looking for.

Many people can’t distinguish between sharing and seeking advice, so they always default to giving advice.

Message-Sending

If you routinely share your problems and feelings with people as a way of venting, but take no steps toward solving your own dilemmas, your friends could be tired of hearing you complain.

Even if they know that you just want to talk, they could offer advice as a way to get you to do something constructive rather than continually emoting.

Unhelpful Motives for Unsolicited Advice

These motives have more to do with the advice-giver than with you. They can sometimes feel like a subtle snub or a slap in the face, and leave you with an uneasy feeling, even if you don’t know why.

In fact, people who are motivated by this type of advice-giving could be considered emotionally abusive. Here is a closer look at more negative motives for unsolicited advice.

Narcissism

Some people—particularly those with narcissistic tendencies—need to be in the role of “teacher” virtually all of the time. Or perhaps they just like to hear themselves pontificate. Their advice is often long-winded and not always appropriate to your situation. Likewise, their advice tends to be more about them than you.

What’s more, these people often can’t imagine that their advice won’t be the answer you’re looking for, even if it doesn’t fit your situation.

Dominance

Some advice-givers want to take the role of “more knowledgeable person” in the relationship dynamic. Giving advice puts them in that position.

If you find that you have an advice-giver in your life who is always putting themselves in a position of authority over you, it’s time to take a closer look at the relationship.

Healthy relationships are based on give and take. If the advice-giver in your life wants to be the one calling all the shots, this pattern illustrates a lack of balance. It’s time to re-evaluate if this is truly a healthy relationship or if it’s time to move on.

Judgment

People may give unsolicited advice as a way to change you or your behaviors. This advice can often feel like an insult more than a genuine attempt to help.

In these situations, it’s important to recognize this type of advice for what it is. Remember, a true friend wants to help you be the best you can be, but they also love you, warts and all.

If you feel like your friend’s advice is always laced with judgment, you may want to reconsider how much time you spend together. It’s not good for your mental health to feel like you never measure up.

Drama

Believe it or not, some people love conflict. They love hearing themselves argue and get a feeling of personal power from telling others how wrong they are. Such people, consciously or unconsciously, tend to give lots of advice as a way of bringing up topics to debate.

They also may play devil’s advocate and take the opposite viewpoint in every scenario you present. If you start to see a pattern of drama in your relationship with this person, you may need to set boundaries or limit what you share. After all, this person could be an unsafe person to share personal information with.

Tips for Handling Unsolicited Advice

When someone shares unsolicited advice, your first instinct might be to respond with a knee-jerk reaction based on how their comments make you feel. Giving yourself a moment to step back, calm your mind, and then respond from a less reactive place can be helpful.

How you respond might depend on how the advice was intended. Strategies that can help include the following:

Thank Them for Their Thoughts

For a good friend who is genuinely trying to be helpful, you might thank them and let them know you’ll give their advice some thought. That doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily use their suggestions, but acknowledging their input can help them feel validated without encouraging future interference.

Set Boundaries

In cases where someone is being unhelpful, judgmental, or attempting to gain power under the guise of altruism, setting boundaries is essential. One way to do this is to acknowledge their input, but clarify that you can handle it on your own and will ask them for input in the future if you are interested in hearing more.

For example, you might say, “That’s an interesting idea! I already have plans for dealing with this, but I’ll be sure to ask you if I need your advice.”

Be Firm

If a person persists in giving unsolicited advice, you may need to be more firm and let them know that you do not need or want outside input. 

Being direct about why you don’t want to hear their ideas or opinions can also be helpful.

For example, you might tell them that you’ve already tried their solution and it wasn’t right for you or that it won’t work in your specific situation.


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Kendra Cherry

His Life and Theory of Attachment

Key Takeaways

  • John Bowlby believed early bonds with caregivers are crucial for healthy emotional and social development.
  • Bowlby’s attachment theory suggests infants have an innate need to form bonds with caregivers, impacting relationships throughout life.
  • Bowlby’s research influenced many areas, including psychology, education, and parenting practices.

John Bowlby (February 26, 1907-September 2, 1990) was a British psychologist and psychoanalyst who believed that early childhood attachments played a critical role in later development and mental functioning. His work, along with the work of psychologist Mary Ainsworth, contributed to the development of attachment theory.

Bowlby believed that children are born with a biologically programmed tendency to seek and remain close to attachment figures. This provides nurturance and comfort and aids in the child’s survival. Sticking close to a caregiver ensures that the child’s needs are met and that they are protected from environmental dangers.

Bowlby’s Early Life

Edward John Mostyn Bowlby was born in London to an upper-middle-class family. Believing that too much parental affection and attention would spoil a child, his parents spent only a small amount of time with him each day. At the age of seven, he was sent to boarding school, which he would later describe as a traumatic experience.

College Years

Bowlby went on to attend Trinity College, Cambridge, where he studied psychology and spent time working with delinquent children. After graduating from Cambridge, Bowlby volunteered at two schools for maladjusted and delinquent children to gain experience and consider his career goals.

These experiences working with children inspired him to become a child psychiatrist.

Klein’s Influence

He then studied medicine at University College Hospital and psychiatry at Maudsley Hospital. During this time, Bowlby also studied at the British Psychoanalytic Institute and was initially influenced by the work of Melanie Klein, a psychologist who created the play therapy technique.

He eventually became dissatisfied with Klein’s approach. He felt that it focused too much on children’s fantasies and not enough on environmental events, including the influence of parents and caregivers.

After becoming a psychoanalyst in 1937, he served in the Royal Army Medical Corps during World War II. In 1938, he married a woman named Ursula Longstaff, and together they had four children.

Once the war was over, Bowlby became Director of the Tavistock Clinic, and in 1950, he became a mental health consultant to the World Health Organization (WHO).

Bowlby’s Career and Theories

Bowlby’s early work with children led him to develop a strong interest in the subject of child development. He became particularly interested in how separation from caregivers impacted children. After studying the subject for some time, he began to develop his ideas on the importance of attachment on child development.

The WHO commissioned Bowlby to write a report on the mental health of homeless children in Europe. In 1951, the resulting work Maternal Care and Mental Health was published. In it, he wrote, “…the infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate and continuous relationship with his mother (or permanent mother substitute–one person who steadily ‘mothers’ him) in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment.”

After the publication of the influential report, Bowlby continued to develop his attachment theory. Bowlby drew on various subjects, including cognitive science, developmental psychology, evolutionary biology, and ethology (the science of animal behavior).

His theory suggested that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a tremendous impact that continues throughout life.

Bowlby as a Psychoanalyst

Bowlby had trained as a psychoanalyst and, much like Sigmund Freud, believed that the earliest experiences in life have a lasting impact on development. According to Bowlby, attachment also keeps the infant close to the mother, thus improving the child’s chances of survival.

He suggested that both mothers and infants had evolved to develop an innate need for proximity. By maintaining this closeness, infants are more likely to receive the care and protection needed to ensure their survival.

Bowlby was also influenced by Konrad Lorenz, a zoologist and ethologist who demonstrated that attachment was innate and aided in survival. In Lorenz’s well-known 1935 study on imprinting, he showed that young geese would imprint on attachment figures in the environment within a certain critical period after hatching.

Lorenz even got newly-hatched geese to imprint on him and view him as a “mother” figure. This revealed that not only is attachment innate but that there is also a critical period during which the formation of attachment relationships is possible. Lorenz’s research found that an attachment was not likely to occur after a certain period (approximately 32 hours for geese).

In humans, Bowlby believed that the first two and a half years of a child’s life were critical for the formation of attachment. If it did not happen during this period, he suggested it may be too late. However, he later expanded the timeline for this critical period up to the age of five.

The central theme of Bowlby’s attachment theory is that mothers who are available and responsive to their infant’s needs establish a sense of security. The baby knows that the caregiver is dependable, which creates a secure base for the child to feel safe to explore the world.

Bowlby’s Attachment Theory

Bowlby defined attachment as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.” His ethological theory of attachment suggests that infants have an innate need to form an attachment bond with a caregiver.

This is an evolved response that increases a child’s chances of survival; babies are born with a number of behaviors, such as crying and cooing, and caregivers are biologically programmed to respond to these signals and attend to the baby’s needs.

The Importance of the Attachment Bond

While mothers are often associated with this role as primary caregivers and attachment figures, Bowlby believed infants could form such bonds with others. The formation of the attachment bond offers comfort, security, and nourishment.

However, Bowlby noted that feeding was not the basis or purpose of this attachment, allowing bonds to be formed with fathers and other significant caregivers.

It is not food or nourishment that determines attachment. Instead it is the responsiveness of caregivers and the attention and care that children receive that determines their attachment patterns.

Stages of Attachment

Bowlby also suggested that attachment forms in a series of stages:

  • During the first part of the pre-attachment phase, babies recognize their primary caregiver but do not yet have an attachment. Their crying and fussing draw the attention and care of the parent, which is rewarding to both the child and the caregiver. As this stage progresses through about three months, infants begin to recognize the parent more and develop a sense of trust.
  • During the indiscriminate attachment phase, infants show a distinct preference for the primary caregivers and certain secondary caregivers in their lives.
  • During the discriminate attachment period, children form a solid attachment to one individual and experience separation distress and anxiety when parted from that person.
  • Finally, during the multiple attachment phases, children develop strong attachments to people beyond the primary caregivers.

How Attachment Influences Development

Bowlby believed that a child’s earliest attachments with caregivers created a blueprint for all future relationships. These early attachments serve as a framework that helps children understand themselves, others, and their relationship with the world.

Bowlby suggested maternal deprivation disrupted the attachment process and could result in long-term emotional, social, and cognitive problems. 

This approach, known as monotropy, views attachment as a bond between the child and a single attachment figure. In Bowlby’s view, this attachment figure was primarily the mother. Problems with this attachment, he suggested, led to lasting problems that could include mental health issues, lower intelligence, higher aggression, poor relationships, and lack of empathy for others.

Bowlby believed that the maternal bond was most critical for development. Later research, however, has disputed Bowlby’s maternal deprivation hypothesis.

While Bowby emphasized the existence of a single primary attachment figure, contemporary research has shown that children develop multiple attachments to other caregivers. Bowlby’s belief that separation from the primary caregiver would negatively affect development, modern theorists recognize that quality matters more than quantity. 

Bowlby’s Contributions to Psychology

Bowlby’s research on attachment and child development left a lasting impression on psychology, education, child care, and parenting. Researchers extended his research to develop clinical treatment techniques and prevention strategies.

His work also influenced other eminent psychologists, including his colleague Mary Ainsworth, who also made significant contributions to attachment theory by expanding on Bowlby’s research to develop a method for observing a child’s attachment to a caregiver.

In a 2002 survey of psychologists published in the Review of General Psychology, John Bowlby was ranked as the 49th most frequently cited psychologist of the 20th century.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Slade A, Holmes J. Attachment and psychotherapy. Curr Opin Psychol. 2019;25:152-156. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.06.008

  2. Schwartz J. Cassandra’s Daughter: A History of Psychoanalysis. 1st American ed. Viking; 1999.

  3. Sable P. Attachment, ethology and adult psychotherapy. Attach Hum Dev. 2004;6(1):3-19. doi:10.1080/14616730410001663498

  4. Stevenson-hinde J. Attachment theory and John Bowlby: some reflections. Attach Hum Dev. 2007;9(4):337-342. doi:10.1080/14616730701711540

  5. Barett H. Parents and children: facts and fallacies about attachment theory. J Fam Health Care. 2006;16(1):3-4. PMID: 16550805

  6. Haggbloom SJ, Warnick R, Warnick JE, et al. The 100 most eminent psychologists of the 20th century. Review of General Psychology. 2002;6(2):139-152. doi:10.1037/1089-2680.6.2.139

Additional Reading

  • Bowlby, J. The Nature of the Childs Tie to His Mother. International Journal of Psychoanalysis. 1958; 39: 350-371.
  • Bowlby J. Attachment. Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Loss. New York: Basic Books; 1969.
  • Bretheron, I. (1992). The origins of attachment theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.Developmental Psychology. 1992; 28: 759-775.
  • Haggbloom, S. J., Warnick, J.E., Jones, V.K., Yarbrough, G.L., Russell, T.M., Borecky, C.M., McGahhey, R….Monte, E. The 100 most eminent psychologists of the 20th century. Review of General Psychology. 2002; 6(2): 139–152. doi:10.1037/1089-2680.6.2.139.
  • Holmes, J. John Bowlby and Attachment Theory. London: Routledge; 1993.
Kendra Cherry

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the “Everything Psychology Book.”


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Human Papillomavirus (HPV): Impacts and Living Well

Key Takeaways

  • HPV is a common infection that most sexually active people will be exposed to at some point.
  • Using condoms helps reduce the risk of passing HPV to a partner, but it doesn’t completely stop it.
  • Regular Pap smears can detect early changes in the cervix that might lead to cancer.

Human papillomavirus (HPV) is a group of sexually transmitted infections that are so common that almost everyone will have this type of infection at some point. While some people never know they have it, others develop physical symptoms like genital warts.

If you’ve been diagnosed with the HPV virus, it can help to understand what to expect. Learn the emotional, physical, and social impacts of HPV, along with how to approach the subject with a partner—and what to do if your partner has been diagnosed with HPV.

HPV Symptoms and Diagnosis

There are more than 150 types of HPV. Some are mild and show no signs, resolving on their own within a couple of years. Others cause genital warts or abnormal cell changes that can lead to the development of cervical cancer.  

If you come in contact with the HPV virus, it could take weeks, months, or even years before you exhibit any symptoms.

The American Cancer Society recommends that individuals with a cervix be screened with an HPV test between 25 and 65 years of age. This test is used to look for forms of the virus more likely to cause cancer and can be performed at the same time as a Pap test.

While HPV itself cannot be treated, its symptoms (like genital warts) and effects (such as cellular changes and even cancer) can be positively impacted with treatment. If you’re living with HPV, it’s helpful to understand how this may impact you and your relationships.

Emotional Impact of Living With HPV

Getting a diagnosis of HPV can take a toll emotionally. Some people withdraw socially and exhibit symptoms of anxiety and depression over their diagnosis. Yet, it’s important to remember that someone with HPV can go on to live a regular life. 

Having a sexually transmitted infection can also impact you emotionally since it may affect future romantic relationships. But this doesn’t mean you won’t be able to have loving and committed relationships. It just means that you need to find a way to share that you are living with HPV with any romantic partners you have.

Before sharing your diagnosis with your partner, it’s essential to educate yourself about the virus to avoid spreading misinformation. There are several misconceptions and myths about HPV, such as it always causes cancer or is caused by sexual promiscuity.

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Physical Impact of Living With HPV

One of the most worrying concerns of an HPV diagnosis is developing cancer, and most cases of cervical cancer are caused by HPV. The good news is that it can be prevented. Going for regular pap smears can detect abnormalities in your cervix that might be precancerous. Treating these abnormalities can also prevent cervical cancer from developing.

Protecting Yourself and Others

If you’ve been diagnosed with HPV, you can still lead a relatively normal life. However, it’s important to protect yourself and your sexual partners by:

  • Using condoms: Using condoms when having sex is essential to reduce the risk of transmitting HPV. At the same time, it’s necessary to know that merely using condoms doesn’t completely eliminate this risk.
  • Getting regular checkups: Women above 21 living with HPV should get regularly screened for cervical cancer. Having a pap smear every three years is generally recommended to catch cervical cancer early on. 
  • Getting vaccinated: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends that children between 11 and 12 get the HPV vaccine. This is because, at that age, they are unlikely to be sexually active. However, the vaccine is approved up until the age of 26.

In many cases of HPV, your immune system will fight back and the virus will resolve on its own. This can take anywhere between a couple of months to a couple of years. As your body works to fight off the virus, you can help it along by practicing a few healthy habits. 

Social Impact of Living With HPV

Being diagnosed with HPV is nothing to be ashamed about. Remember: most sexually active people have been exposed to the virus at some point in their lives.

Understandably, an HPV diagnosis can cause some anxiety, so it’s crucial to find a support system to lean on. You may choose to open up about your condition to family and friends, or you could join a local support group for people living with HPV. 

Sex and Relationships With HPV 

If you’ve been diagnosed with HPV, you might be advised to abstain from sex for a while. Although using a condom can reduce the risk of transmission to your partner, it doesn’t eliminate it.

While it can be a difficult conversation to have, depending on your situation, your physician may advise that you inform your partner of your diagnosis. This enables them to check in with their healthcare provider to learn if the virus has been passed to them.

Having a partner who has been diagnosed with HPV doesn’t necessarily mean that they have been unfaithful to you. If the virus is transmitted to you from a partner, keep in mind that they most likely didn’t know they were living with the infection and had no intention of infecting you. 

It’s essential to have open and honest conversations about your sexual health and sexual history with your partner. It’s also vital to get routinely checked for sexually transmitted infections and diseases.

Helping Others With HPV

If your partner or someone you know is having a hard time after being diagnosed with HPV, there are some things you can do to help. For instance, it’s common for someone with a sexually transmitted infection (STI) to feel shame. Remind them that you are there for them emotionally and that there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s also common for someone with an STI to feel guilt, embarrassment, or a fear of stigma. Encourage them to open up to you about any feelings and struggles they might have about their diagnosis. If they’ve joined a support group, you could also attend meetings with them. 

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. HPV infection.

  2. American Cancer Society. HPV and HPV testing.

  3. World Health Organization. Cervical cancer.

  4. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. HPV fact sheet.

  5. Lugović-Mihić L, Cvitanović H, Djaković I, Kuna M, Šešerko A. The influence of psychological stress on HPV infection manifestations and carcinogenesis. Cell Physiol Biochem. 2021;55(S2):71-88. doi:10.33594/000000395

  6. Scheinfeld E. Shame and STIs: An exploration of emerging adult students’ felt shame and stigma towards getting tested for and disclosing sexually transmitted infections. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2021;18(13):7179. doi:10.3390/ijerph18137179

  7. Gallo MF, Margolis AD, Malotte CK, et al. Sexual abstinence and other behaviours immediately following a new STI diagnosis among STI clinic patients: Findings from the Safe in the City trial. Sex Transm Infect. 2016;92(3):206-10. doi:10.1136/sextrans-2014-051982

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

By Toketemu Ohwovoriole

Toketemu has been multimedia storyteller for the last four years. Her expertise focuses primarily on mental wellness and women’s health topics.


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