Brina Patel

Why You Need to Set Boundaries in Relationships

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

“Boundaries” have become somewhat of a buzzword these days. Though they may be the subject of trending TikToks (and not to mention reel after reel on Instagram), they’re far from a passing fad. 

Rachel Astarte, LMFT, founder and director of Rachel Astarte Holistic Psychotherapy, says, “As a society, we’re paying more attention to creating environments that foster better mental health. Boundaries have become an important topic of discussion because we’re beginning to realize how vital it is to honor our needs in relationships.”

Setting boundaries is a fundamental aspect of developing—and maintaining—healthy romantic relationships, which, in turn, maintains robust well-being. However, many of us struggle with implementing boundaries or even knowing when they’re needed. If you want to set boundaries in your relationships, but don’t know how, keep reading to learn how to respectfully (and assertively!) communicate your needs.

At a Glance

Boundaries are a key pillar of healthy relationships. They come in many forms (physical, sexual, emotional, etc.) and allow you to have meaningful connections to others and ourselves. Setting healthy boundaries requires self-reflection and respectful yet assertive communication. It’s important to remember that boundaries are a long-term process and need to be maintained over time. 

What Are Boundaries in a Relationship?

“Boundaries are the limits we place around ourselves for what we are and aren’t willing to give to others, which help us stay comfortable and safe in our relationships,” says Rachel Orleck, PsyD, an EFT (Emotionally-Focused Therapy) therapist for couples. “In essence, they define the structure and dynamic of our relationships.” Dr. Orleck compares a healthy boundary to Goldilocks.

Being too passive can invite others to take advantage of you (unintentionally or otherwise) while having excessively inflexible boundaries can close you off from connecting on a deeper level. The key is to strike a balance. 

Why Boundaries Are Important

“The biggest misunderstanding about boundaries is that they are negative, as if setting them creates winners and losers,” says Yesenia Garcia, a licensed clinical social worker. “In reality, boundaries do quite the opposite—they foster deeper connections to others and ourselves.”

Garcia says boundaries are a long-term strategy, which protects you in the present and forms lasting connections over time.

Types of Boundaries in Relationships

Boundaries come in many forms: physical, emotional, sexual, time, spiritual, financial, and cultural.

  • Physical boundaries: These involve respecting personal space and physical needs such as touch (kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc.). 
  • Emotional boundaries: These involve honoring your inner worlds—your feelings and thoughts—and providing constructive (versus destructive) criticism. 
  • Sexual boundaries: Respect your comfort levels around sexual behavior, which includes obtaining consent. 
  • Time boundaries: Considerating your personal schedules and availability. 
  • Spiritual boundaries: Honoring your beliefs, religious practices, and any potential spiritual triggers. 
  • Financial boundaries: Respect your spending and saving habits, along with maintaining financial privacy where appropriate. 
  • Cultural boundaries: A consideration of your customs, traditions, and generational differences. 

Signs You Need to Set Boundaries in a Relationship

“If you are frequently feeling overwhelmed, overworked, uncomfortable, resentful, and anxious, then you likely don’t have very good boundaries in your relationships,” says Dr. Orleck. Setting boundaries starts with self-check-ins. Astarte says you can ask yourself questions to determine whether boundaries are necessary in a certain area:

  • Do I feel uncomfortable when the other person does X?
  • Is my energy drained because of this person’s actions?
  • Am I avoiding this person due to their actions?

Journaling your responses or discussing them with a mental health professional, can give you the insight you need to move forward. 

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries in a relationship can be…scary. Especially if you struggle with vocalizing your needs or get anxious about how the other person might respond. 

But there are a few things you can do to make these conversations less frightening. One, Garcia says, is by having confident body language, which means “standing tall and maintaining eye contact with whom you’re speaking.” Another tip is to be respectful, maintain an air of kindness, and be open to compromise where possible. 

The language you use, such as “I” statements (which highlight how the situation impacts your feelings), can help a person be more receptive. “You” statements, on the other hand, can sound accusatory and put them on guard. “Instead of saying, ‘You never let me talk,’ try, ‘I feel disrespected when I’m interrupted during conversations,’” says Garcia. “This helps the other person see things from your perspective without being on the defense.”

Examples of Healthy Boundaries

Astarte says that healthy boundaries honor the relationship we’re in. They communicate what we need from our partners to feel respected. Here are a couple of ways we might consider verbalizing our boundaries:

  • “I have trouble connecting to you when you speak loudly. Please speak a little softer.”
  • “It takes me a while to wake up in the morning, so when you call me before 8 a.m., I can’t be fully present. Please call me after 9 a.m.”

Both of these examples use “I” statements to take responsibility for your own feelings, and clearly articulate what we need from the other person. 

Examples of Unhealthy Boundaries

To set healthy boundaries, you also need to understand what unhealthy ones look like. According to Dr. Orleck, be mindful of, “always saying yes or allowing [yourself] to be treated in ways that make [you] uncomfortable.” For example, you may think bending over backward for others upholds harming in relationships, but it can actually erode your well-being.

“[This approach] doesn’t actually lead to mutual respect or enhance connection,” Dr. Orleck adds.

That said, some boundaries can be too firm. This can close us off from others and make us appear rigid and unwilling to find a middle ground, which makes it harder to sustain healthy relationships. 

Tips for Maintaining Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t a one-and-one ordeal in most cases. Even couples in healthy long-term relationships experience boundary violations. It’s important to consistently communicate your need for new boundaries while maintaining existing ones.

Alex Banta, LISW-S, clinical director at Thriveworks, has been with her husband for 12 years. She and her partner “often realize there is a need for a boundary when a pattern keeps tripping us up or causing conflict.” 

Tip: “Gently and respectfully reminding one another of our boundaries helps get us back on track,” she says. “The trip is to remain as calm as possible and remind myself that my husband is likely doing his very best. This is just an area that needs a refresh. Assuming positive intent goes a long way!” 

Conclusion

Boundaries can teach us so much about ourselves: our needs, our triggers, our breaking points. When done intentionally and with ongoing practice, boundaries can help us form lasting relationships built on trust, respect, and open communication. 

At the end of the day, we’re all still human, and sometimes, we’ll have our slip-ups. Your friend or partner might accidentally overstep your boundary. You might even cross your friend’s boundaries once or twice, but it’s not a huge ordeal. Give them (and yourself) grace. Remind yourself to be adaptable. Boundaries change as your relationships do, so being rigid and firm helps no one, least of all yourself. With time and practice, setting and honoring your boundaries won’t be anxiety-inducing or super scary. But just another regular conversation with your partner.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

  1. Forcadell‐Díez L, Juárez Martínez O, Abiétar DG, López MJ, Sánchez‐Martínez F, Perez G. Healthy and equitable interpersonal relationships, health inequalities and socio‐educational interventions: a conceptual framework for action. Journal of School Health. 2023;93(6):521-532. doi:10.1111/josh.13318

  2. Mathe JR, Kelly WE. Mental boundaries relationship with self-esteem and social support: new findings for mental boundaries research. Imagination, Cognition and Personality. 2023;43(1):29-41. doi:10.1177/02762366231158274

Brina Patel

By Brina Patel

Brina Patel is a freelance writer from Sacramento, California. Prior to writing full-time, she worked as an applied behavior analysis therapist for children on the autism spectrum. She leverages her own experiences researching emotions, as well as her personal challenges with chronic illness and anxiety, in her storytelling, with the hope of inspiring others to take better charge of their overall wellness and understand themselves on a deeper level.


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Is There Any Truth to the Viral Red Nail Theory?

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Throw away all of the dating advice you’ve ever received. Why? Because, apparently all you need to score a date is to paint your nails red. 

If you’re someone whose morning routine consists of doomscrolling through TikTok for an hour, you’ve probably come across the viral “red nail theory” trend. According to TikTok creator Robyn Delmonte, who first coined the term, if you sport red nails, you’re guaranteed to capture the attention of a potential suitor. In Delmonte’s experience, every time she wears red nails, a guy comments on it. 

Since Delmonte’s post went viral, TikTok users have tested the theory and shared their own wins (and losses!). New York City-based TikTok creator, Taylor Donoghue, shared how four men hit on her in public after getting a red manicure two days prior. Similarly, TikTok creator Melisse Martineau said she’d been asked on five or six dates since getting her red manicure two to three weeks ago. Countless other users have also shared how their partners can’t keep their hands off them when they wear red nails and that their partners actually prefer their red manicures to other nail colors. 

A Look Ahead

To discover whether or not the red nail theory is legit, we spoke to two relationship experts on the psychological and cultural factors that may contribute to men’s supposed attraction to red nails. We also tapped two nail experts for tips if you want to test out the theory yourself. Below, find everything you’ve ever needed to know about the viral red nail theory. 

Understanding the Red Nail Theory

The red nail theory, simply, “suggests that men are more attracted to women who wear red nail polish,” says sex and relationship therapist Dr. Melissa Cook. “Red nail polish suggests confidence, femininity, and sensuality, which can draw more attention from the opposite sex.”

In addition to these psychological factors, there’s also an evolutionary reason why we’re unconsciously drawn to red nails. Although homosapiens have evolved to conceal ovulation, “all other primates have evolved to have a sexual communication system, usually in the form of a swollen vulva with a vibrant red tone,” says relationship expert and psychology professor Dr. Wendy Walsh. In fact, a 1999 study suggests that sexual swellings signal the probability of ovulation in female primates, which they use to manipulate male behavior.

Dr. Wendy Walsh, relationship expert and psychology professor

Our penchant for red lips, red cheeks, and yes, red nails, may well be an unconscious way to signal fertility.

— Dr. Wendy Walsh, relationship expert and psychology professor

A 2008 study also argues that men’s attraction to the color red has biological roots. The study authors found that men rated women wearing red as more attractive and sexually desirable, and they are seemingly unaware of this unconscious attraction.

Cultural and Societal Factors

If you take note of the femme fatales of old Hollywood movies, more often than not they can be seen sporting a bold red lip, long, red nails, or a glamorous red gown. From Scarlett O’Hara in “Gone with the Wild” to Charlotte in “The Woman in Red,” the color red has historically been associated with bawdy, rule-breaking, sexual women, says Dr. Walsh. 

Did You Know?

Culturally, red is linked with power, seduction, and femininity, adds Dr. Cook. “These are all traits that could be considered attractive.” In 20th-century Hollywood, red nails and lipstick became a symbol of glamor and a trademark of bold characters, Dr. Cook says. Presently, “red nails continue to be a marker of classic beauty and confidence.”

Whether it’s red nails, red lipstick, or a red blouse, research shows that women wearing red get more right swipes on dating apps, says Dr. Walsh. And to increase their attractiveness to potential partners, both men and women tend to wear more red clothing during a first date.

Science (and Personal Experiences!) Say the Red Nail Theory Is Legit

So if you thought the red nail theory was a fluke, research shows that it’s quite legit. From biology to the influences of Hollywood, there’s no denying the power the color red holds in attracting a potential mate. 

Sandra Salvatierra, 24, says she’s been wearing a pair of red press-on nails for the past week and noticed that both men and women have stopped her on the street to compliment them. “I went on a date recently and the guy immediately commented on them!”

Similarly, Lesego Tlhabi, 35, recounts the powerful effect red nails have on her current partner. “I don’t have more men approaching me, but my boyfriend has commented that it’s his absolute favorite of all the manicures I’ve had,” she says. “He thinks it’s very sexy. I don’t know why.”

How to Test Out the Red Nail Theory

So, you want to test out the red nail theory? Apart from science saying a red manicure will make you instantly more attractive, there’s another reason why you should consider opting for a red polish at your next nail appointment. “Red is classic and elegant,” says Priscilla Nguyen, education supervisor for Aprés Nail. And, “regardless of the season, it’s always on trend,” adds celebrity manicurist and educator Julie Kandalec. 

  • Consider your skin tone and undertone. When choosing a red nail varnish, it’s important to consider your skin tone and undertone, say the nail experts. If you have fair skin, a blue-based red will work best for you, says Kandalec. While medium to olive tones can pull off a true red beautifully!” For deeper skin tones, consider rich, dark reds like burgundy or brick red. 
  • Think about the occasion and season. According to Nguyen, different shades of red might work better depending on the season, the event you’re attending, and your attire. “During the summer, bright reds are extremely popular,” she says. While during the colder months, the red shades become more muted.

Keep in Mind

Despite countless research pointing to the validity of the red nail theory, the idea isn’t without its fair share of hiccups. 

For one, while research suggests that women may get more male attention with red nails, it may not necessarily be the type of attention she desires, says Dr. Walsh. As a result, while there are hundreds of videos of people professing their success with the red nail theory, there are those on the opposite side of the spectrum opting out of the trend to avoid getting unwanted attention.

The Red Nail Theory Has Its Limitations

Moreover, the red nail theory simplifies attraction, says Dr. Cook. “Attraction is complex, varied, and influenced by lots of factors beyond appearance. Focusing solely on red nails can lead to superficial connections and mean that you might be ignoring deeper components of compatibility.”

Sure, your fresh red manicure might catch the bait, but a personal connection, authenticity, and charm are what will really hook them in. 

Dr. Cook cautions against following relationship and dating advice from social media trends. “It can create unrealistic expectations and pressures when it comes to relationships, as well as how people should present themselves,” she says. Trends based on appearance, like the red nail theory, can also reinforce superficial standards of attraction and lead some people to prioritize looks over genuine connections, she adds.

At the end of the day, the red nail theory is not foolproof. There’s no guarantee that you’ll attract someone with red nails, let alone an authentic, mutual connection. With that said, “if you want to attract someone, be sure to dress in a way that reflects your personality and allows you to feel confident,” says Dr. Cook, rather than following a certain color trend that may not reflect who you are or your own unique tastes.




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