How to Handle Negative Interactions With Strangers

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


You’re not imagining it—the world really does seem to be a lot crankier. According to the 2024 Gallup Global Emotions report, negative emotions like anger and sadness are higher now than a decade ago. Where’s it all coming from?  Well…*gestures at the world* the cost of living crisis, political divisiveness, social injustice, economic disparities, war, climate anxiety, to name a few. And that’s on top of all the day-to-day stresses we’re already dealing with. It often feels like we’re one wrong look away from a bad mood. All that tension is a recipe for negative interaction with strangers and friends alike.

Even when you’re trying your best to be nice (sympathies to all the recovering people pleasers out there), nerves end up frayed. The result? Someone snaps over something completely out of your control. These negative interactions seem small in the course of things, so why are you still stewing about it hours later?

Negative interactions are going to happen sometimes, but knowing how to handle them effectively makes all the difference. Letting every rude response or mean comment live rent-free in your mind is stressful, and that stress takes a toll on your mental and physical health.

At a Glance

A negative interaction with a stranger can be upsetting, but there are ways to handle it effectively without letting it spoil your good mood or affect your mental well-being. In the moment, focus on staying calm, ensuring the situation is safe, and de-escalating the argument. Afterward, find ways to manage any lingering emotions and consider what happened with a cooler head and objective eye. It wasn’t a fun experience, but you *can* learn from it and make future interactions a bit less distressing.

Why Negative Interaction Feels Like the Norm

If it feels like negative interaction is more common today, you’re not wrong. Tensions seem to be on the rise, and it often feels like social situations are a pressure cooker waiting to explode.

Some of the increased tension with strangers is likely due to the lingering effects of the pandemic. “The COVID pandemic drastically reduced interactions with our physical communities and the larger world beyond our homes,” says Dr. Noah Kass, DSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in New York.

The initial joy of things returning to the new “normal” came with a realization that things have shifted. Dr. Kass notes that his own patients have reported difficulty reading social cues and an increased vulnerability to misunderstandings and disagreements. It’s something that’s affected close and familiar relationships, but it’s especially noticeable in interactions with strangers, Kass says.

Why? Our social skills have gotten rusty. “Time apart weakened our ability to interpret facial expressions, body language, and other nonverbal signals,” Dr. Kass explains. “When we don’t know someone, we tend to judge quickly, often with little evidence, and frequently get it wrong.”

Many people have struggled with becoming more emotionally rigid since the pandemic, which means they often overreact to slights and ignore the context. “This leads to faulty assumptions about strangers’ intentions, creating fertile ground for conflict,” says Dr. Kass.

Understanding Negative Interactions

Negative interactions with strangers are social exchanges that go sideways. These moments can be small, like a snippy response from someone you bumped into, or a full-on confrontation that seems to come out of nowhere. 

Each interaction is unique, but there are a few common triggers. Stress and frustration are biggies. “If we’re tired, overwhelmed, or juggling too much, we’re less patient and definitely more reactive,” explains Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, founder of Evolution to Healing Psychotherapy. “Minor annoyances feel bigger, which pretty much throws empathy and patience out the window.”

Physical discomfort is another factor that can contribute to negative interaction. People are more likely to be irritable when they are too hot, overstimulated, or physically uncomfortable. “Someone bumping into us or standing too close can feel more irritating than usual,” she adds.

She also notes that our brains are wired to scan for situations that feel “off.” So when we feel unsafe or threatened, we’re more likely to misinterpret the situation or react defensively.

Passive Aggressive Behaviors and Other Causes

Other factors like feeling ignored or experiencing passive-aggressive behavior can lead to negative interactions. “Small behaviors like eye-rolling, making sarcastic comments, or even sighing loudly can signal frustration or disrespect, even if that’s not the intention,” Groskopf says.

So when you bump into someone at the grocery store, they might respond to your apology with an icy glare or a “watch it.” Or when another driver cuts you off in traffic, they give you a nasty gesture like you’re the one who caused the problem.

Recap

In many cases, it doesn’t take much to trigger a negative interaction. Miscommunication and impatience can often make people tense, angry, frustrated, or confused. And while you might consciously *get* that it’s not really about you, these negative encounters often have a way of lingering and affecting your mood long after the moment has passed.

Immediate Response Strategies

Every situation is different, but there are some immediate response strategies that can help you evaluate the situation and decide how to handle it.

Stay Calm and Composed

Negative social interactions with strangers cause stress hormones to flood the body, preparing us to either fight or flee. In other words, the fear centers in your brain take over. You may feel overheated, shaky, breathless, and unable to think clearly.

In situations where you do need to fight or flee, this response can be important for your safety and survival. However, not every interaction calls for this reaction, and sometimes, it can be counterproductive. Instead of responding calmly and rationally, you overreact and worsen the conflict.

Groskopf says that it is important to check in with your body, including what it’s trying to communicate. Calming your body is essential. “Simple deep breaths work wonders here, or even just unclenching your fists or jaw,” she suggests. “These little things send a signal to your body that you are safe.”

Dr. Kass also recommends being aware of your body language and facial expressions and keeping them relaxed. “We often convey much more through our facial expressions than words. A stranger won’t have context to understand your emotions or intentions,” he says. “Be mindful of what you’re projecting, even when not speaking.”

So, while your first instinct might be to snap back at them, the best thing you can do is to keep your cool. Take a deep breath and focus on keeping your mind and body relaxed. By approaching the situation calmly, you’re less likely to escalate the situation into an even bigger conflict.

Assess the Situation

Realistically, not every negative interaction with strangers is worth your energy. It’s important to ask yourself if you’re reading the situation accurately, Groskopf says.

Sometimes, we’re just picking up on a bad vibe because of stress or misunderstandings, not actual danger. If you can shift your focus to curiosity—trying to understand instead of assuming—you’re less likely to react defensively.

While it isn’t always possible to predict how an interaction will go, watch for behavioral indicators of potential violence, such as:

  • Argumentative, uncooperative behavior
  • Trembling or shaking
  • Violating your personal space
  • Balled fists or clenched jaw
  • Restlessness or pacing
  • Threatening comments or gestures

If the situation seems could be hostile or even dangerous, your best option is just to walk away. Trust your instincts. Sometimes the best (and safest) response to negativity is no response at all.

Use De-Escalation Techniques

If walking away isn’t possible or it’s a problem you want to address, try to do it in a way that brings down the tension level. Respond in a neutral voice, and don’t let yourself get defensive. 

“Speak slowly, keep your body language open, and show some empathy. Even just softening your tone can help lower the tension for both of you,” Groskopf says. “The calmer you are, the calmer they’ll become. It’s almost like your nervous system talks to theirs.”

Dr. Kass suggests being mindful of personal space when things start to get heated.

“Many of us have different boundaries regarding proximity,” he says. He suggests maintaining at least an arm’s length of distance to respect boundaries, reduce misunderstandings, and ensure safety. 

Remember, you don’t know a stranger’s background or triggers, so maintaining physical space is essential.

Emotional Management

After a negative interaction with a stranger (whether it was big or small, whether you kept your cool or not), it’s totally normal for your emotions to be running high. You might be left feeling angry, anxious, or frustrated.

No matter what your response is, it’s important to acknowledge what you’re experiencing and give yourself permission to feel those emotions. 

Such interactions lead to high emotional arousal. The result? A phenomenon known as “emotional flooding.” When this happens, we feel mentally disorganized, overwhelmed, and overstimulated. Essentially, our emotions take control, making it hard to think clearly and respond calmly. This can lead to aggressive or inappropriate behavior in the short term, but it also often results in negative feelings that make dealing with the problem more challenging.

Researchers have found that just labeling what you are feeling out loud (a technique known as affect labeling) can actually help lower the intensity of negative emotions while also increasing positive feelings.

Groskopf has some tips for managing the emotional aftermath of a negative interaction with a stranger. She suggests:

  • Acknowledging how your body responded in the moment. Remind yourself that it’s normal–that’s your body’s way of trying to protect you.
  • Using grounding techniques. She suggests putting your feet on the ground or noticing the sights, smells, and sounds around you to help regulate your body’s stress response.
  • Reflecting without judgment. Your emotional responses often stem from past experiences, she notes. While they don’t define you, Groskopf says it is your responsibility as an adult to work through them. That means learning how to process what happened, learn from the experience, and move forward without guilt or shame.

Try not to take these interactions personally. Remember, a stranger’s behavior often has little (if anything) to do with you. They are often dealing with their own issues, so don’t let their problems drag you down.

Post-Interaction Reflection

Once the interaction is over and you’ve dealt with the immediate emotional aftermath, the next step is to try to look at it from a more objective perspective. 

Question to ask yourself:

Instead of replaying the interaction over and over in your mind, Groskopf suggests asking yourself a few questions:

  • What felt threatening to me?
  • Was it something they said or the way it made me feel—dismissed, disrespected, or unsafe?

“A lot of times, our responses are tied to old triggers or patterns, or maybe it’s a habit of going into self-protection mode,” she says. “When you reflect on your emotional response, you can gain clarity on your triggers.”

Negative interactions can *really* be unpleasant, but they can also provide lessons that sometimes make future interactions flow more smoothly. One helpful thing you can do is visualize how you want to handle things differently next time. This doesn’t mean beating yourself up about what you did wrong, Groskopf says. Instead, it’s about building a greater awareness so you can handle it differently next time. 

The more you practice this kind of reflection, the more in control you’ll feel when a challenging moment comes up. Your responses can become less automatic and more authentic to who you really are as a person.

—
CHERYL GROSKOPF, LMFT, LPCC

If you’re still struggling, consider talking to a therapist. They can give you the clarity and perspective you need to find some emotional relief.

Strengthening Your Emotional Resilience

Building greater emotional resilience can be a powerful tool for bouncing back more readily after a negative interaction. To become more resilient:

  • Develop a positive mindset: Try to focus on the big picture—it was one moment, and it doesn’t have to define your whole day. Rather than ruminate on that moment, focus on feelings of gratitude for all the other positive things that happened throughout your day.
  • Practice self-compassion: Don’t beat yourself up over these negative moments, even if you would do things differently. And don’t feel bad about being upset! It’s OK to feel rattled by upsetting social interactions, so try to treat yourself with the same kindness you’d show to a friend who went through that same experience.
  • Engage in activities that boost emotional well-being: Do things that lift you up. Meditate, go for a walk, or just spend some time with the people you love. By nurturing your well-being, you’ll have a stronger emotional base to help you shake off the negative moments more easily.

While we can often move past negative interactions with strangers pretty quickly, sometimes they can be hard to let go of. If these moments are having a deeper impact than you thought and you’re struggling to move past them, it might be time to get some professional support. 

When to Seek Help

You might benefit from talking to a therapist if:

  • You keep ruminating on the negative interaction, playing it over and over again in your mind
  • You feel sad, angry, anxious, or overwhelmed by your emotions for days or weeks after the experience
  • You start avoiding social situations because you’re afraid that you might have a negative interaction
  • You notice changes in your mood, sleep habits, appetite, or energy levels

Types of Professionals Who Can Help

Therapists, psychologists, and counselors are trained to help people process and cope with difficult emotions. They can help you understand your experiences and work with you to develop healthy coping mechanisms. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) are two approaches that can help you change negative thought patterns, improve your emotional reactions, and deal with stressful situations more effectively.

Resources for Finding Help

Where can you find resources to help you cope with what you’re experiencing?

  • Therapist directories: Consider looking at online therapist directories at websites like Open Path Collective, TherapyDen, Inclusive Therapists, and the National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network.
  • Local resources: You can also look locally and community mental health centers to find affordable services.
  • Your doctor: If you aren’t sure where to start looking, ask your primary care provider. They can often refer you to mental health professionals and other resources that can help.

Takeaways

Negative interactions with strangers are bound to happen, but they don’t have to ruin your day, or your mental well-being. While it isn’t always easy in the heat of the moment (trust us, we know), staying calm, assessing the situation, and de-escalating the conflict can prevent things from going from bad to worse.

We all get heated, but remember, there’s rarely a ‘winner’ in a confrontation with a stranger. You might win the argument or get the parking spot, but don’t let your emotions push you to say or do things you’ll regret. Don’t let your mouth write a check your body can’t cash.

—
DR. NOAH KASS, DSW, LCSW

It’s normal to feel upset, but there are things you can do to process the experience and build the strength you need to cope the next time it happens. And if things do start too feel too upsetting, reach out to a trust friend or therapist for some extra help.


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What to Do When You’re in a Relationship But Have a Crush

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


You’re committed to your partner and love them endlessly, but that coworker with brown eyes and curly hair just keeps popping up in your dreams. It’s just a crush—you’re not going to act on it, of course. But is it, like, wrong to fancy someone when you’re in a relationship?

Short answer? It’s complicated. You have “puppy love,” AKA strong but surface-level (and temporary!) romantic and sexual feelings for someone. It’s totally harmless when you’re single. And while it’s not wrong to develop crushes when in a monogamous relationship, it has to be handled correctly to not hurt your partner or your relationship. Take a look below at how to handle a crush when you’re committed to another.

Why Do Crushes Happen When You’re Committed?

Even if you’re super into your partner, you can *still* develop a crush. They’re perfectly normal and common. But why do we have them? According to therapist Afton Turner, LPCA, “crushes may happen for a variety of reasons [like] boredom in life or your relationship, idealizing who your crush is or could be, and even simple biological attraction.” She adds that relationships can be complex, but crushes feel simple, which makes them appealing.

You can’t control having a crush.

Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Biird and author of “Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject,” says that crushes are physical responses to attraction. “Your body doesn’t know you’re in a relationship; your body will still respond to attractive people,” she says. They’re involuntary and can often be the result of boredom in a relationship.

“If you’re in a relationship, a crush can give you the opportunity to daydream about something you don’t get to enjoy on a day-to-day basis,” she adds. “It may provide an escape of sorts.”

Common Emotional Reactions

Crushes can result in feelings of both guilt and shame. You also may become angry at yourself for not being able to control feelings, especially if they’re particularly lusty.

Suzannah Weiss

The feelings themselves aren’t something to feel guilty about, though. What matters more is whether you’re acting on them.

— Suzannah Weiss

Don’t feel about having a crush—it’s biological! That said, how you handle it is everything. A common emotional reaction is to fantasize about the person you’re crushing on. That isn’t the most sound route, though. “If you are actively feeding the crush by stalking the person on social media, talking about them with your friends, or finding excuses to spend time with them, this may detract from your relationship,” says Weiss.

Is This Saying Something About Your Relationships?

Crushing on a person outside of your relationship can naturally make you consider your relationship. Sometimes, a crush will help you realize what your relationship is lacking. And yeah it’s common to get crushes, but having them often may indicate your relationship isn’t fully satisfying you.

“Crushes can highlight what you might be missing in your current relationship, like flirting, thoughtful communication, compliments, or quality time,” says Turner. “Recognizing these desires can help you figure out what changes you might want to make to improve your relationship or are non-negotiables for you.”

Additionally, Weiss says that the type of person you’re crushing on may help determine what is missing from your partnership. “If you become infatuated with someone who is very lighthearted and fun-loving, this may mean you would like more play in your relationship,” she says. “If you are crushing on someone who is very powerful, you may want to see more of your partner’s dominant side.”

How to Manage the Crush

The first step to managing a crush is to set boundaries. That will help you ensure everyone behaves appropriately in the situation. “Set boundaries with your partner, your crush, and yourself,” advises Turner. “Boundaries should include open communication with your partner, limited communication with the crush, and personally evaluate your end of the commitment or vows you have made with your partner.”

Weiss adds that “if you find yourself keeping your interactions with your crush a secret, this is a sign that they’re infringing upon the boundaries of your romantic relationship and you need to pull back.”

Is Your Crush a Sign That Your Needs Aren’t Being Met?

In addition to setting clear boundaries, take some time to determine if your crush is letting you know about issues in your relationship. If the answer is yes, talk with your partner about your unmet needs. Work together to discern how to change the situation, so that you and your partner feel satisfied.

It’s also important to redirect the energy you’re putting into your crush back into your relationship. “When you have the urge to send your crush a funny TikTok, send it to your partner instead. Find new ways to flirt with your partner,” Turner suggests.

Is It a Crush Or Is Monogamy Just Not For You?

Lastly, on occasion, a crush isn’t about your relationship, but rather an indication that monogamy might not be right for you. If you suspect that’s the case, Turner recommends “evaluating what types of relationships are fulfilling to you and why.”

She continues, adding that, “if you are considering non-monogamy, take time to assess if this is just about the crush or is a nonmonogamous relationship what’s actually best for you.”

That said, according to Weiss, non-monogamy can potentially cause your partner a lot of stress. So, it’s important to know if ethical non-monogamy is *exactly* what you want before communicating it to your partner. (And if you’re unsure if monogamy or non-monogamy is for you, we have a handy dandy guide down below)

But Wait, Should You Even Tell Your Partner?

Whether or not you tell your partner about your crush is entirely up to you. But if you’re wondering if you should, experts say it depends on your relationship. “When you and your partner first get together, I’d recommend having a conversation about how you define monogamy, including how to address attraction to other people,” Weiss says.

Suzannah Weiss

If your partner hasn’t specified that they want to know if you have a crush, I would keep it to yourself. Unless the person is more than a fleeting crush—which is a larger discussion—it’s not relevant to your relationship, and it could cause your partner to feel anxious or compare themselves to the other person.

— Suzannah Weiss

A crush is often quite manageable in strong relationships. “Relationships built on mutual trust and respect should have space for each partner to be open and honest about having crushes,” says Turner.

However, even in the healthiest of relationships, a crush can your partner’s feelings. “But this can be worked through with appropriate boundaries and potentially professional support,” she adds. Turner recommends keeping your crush to yourself “if you are in a toxic or volatile relationship, [as] sharing that may not be safe.”

Reigniting the Spark in Your Current Relationship

Talking through boundaries and redirecting your energy should help you manage your crush. You can also use your crush’s feelings to make your relationship more exciting. “Crushes help us boost our self-confidence, which can carry into our relationship,” says Turner. Which means you can carry that renewed confidence into your current partnership.

Tip: “If you find yourself getting aroused when you think about your crush, redirect your arousal toward your partner,” says Weiss. “Let them know how turned on you are—they do not need to know what turned you on initially. That energy can actually be fuel to get to know new parts of your own sexuality.”

Is It Time for Therapy?

You may be able to manage the crush on your own, but sometimes we need a little extra support. If that’s the case, you may benefit from therapy, either by yourself or with your partner. “You should consider seeking therapy—either individually or as a couple—when your crush becomes all-consuming,” says Turner.

When It’s Time to Go to (Couples) Therapy

“If you find yourself thinking about, planning for, or spending more time with your crush than you do with your committed partner, it’s a sign that you may need support to navigate those feelings and assess the health of your current relationship,” Turner says.

Okay, so you know you need therapy, but should you do it alone or with your partner? Well, that depends on what types of feelings you’re dealing with. “If you find yourself disturbed by thoughts of your crush or riddled with guilt over them, I would talk to an individual therapist about this,” suggests Weiss. On the other hand, “if your partner is aware of your crush and it’s getting in the way of your relationship, this would be a topic to discuss in couples’ therapy,” she adds.

Another reason to go to couples therapy is if “you are discussing opening your relationship,” says Weiss. “This can get very complicated and you need as much support as possible.”

Therapy Resources

Not sure where or how to start your therapy journey? Don’t fret—there are lots of resources available. Couples counseling is the right idea if you’re looking together, whereas individual therapy is just for you. There are many online options. If you have health insurance that covers mental health, you can look through their resources, too.

Having a crush may feel complicated, but with these manageable tips, your relationship can be healthier than ever.


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