Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

It’s not just me—talking to kids can be a struggle, right? Sometimes, it’s like you have ~nothing~ in common. Other times, you forget they think and operate differently—their brains aren’t fully developed—which makes connecting that more difficult.

“Children are very much more in the moment than adults are,” says Tammy Schamuhn, psychologist and cofounder of the Institute of Child Psychology. “They don’t focus as much on hindsight (the past) or foresight (what will happen in the future) as that is an executive functioning skill that is executed by the prefrontal cortex.” (Btw, the brain finishes developing and maturing in the mid-to-late 20s with the prefrontal cortex maturing last).

Moreover, children also have a more developed right hemisphere, where your emotions, movement, play, and creativity live, Schamuhn says. “Kids connect with their parents through mutual activities [like] riding bikes together, play, cuddling, and storytelling.” All of this makes chatting with a seven-year-old a bit difficult. But there are ways to make connecting between us adults and kids super easy. Here’s how.

How to Bridge the Gap Between an Adult Mind and Kid’s Mind

Kids’ needs vary and change over time, which makes it tough for parents to know how to connect. “Parent-child relationships are multidimensional, so sometimes children want you close. Other times, they want their independence,” says Deborah Serani, PsyD,  a psychologist and professor at Adelphi University. “This goes for little ones, teens, and even older adult children.” 

A great way to slowly bridge this communication gap is by practicing empathy. “A powerful way to foster empathy is to reflect on what it was like to be their age—what they felt, what they thought about, and how they behaved,” Gretchen Moran Marsh, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist, says.

She adds that when adults put themselves in a kid’s shoes, they are often surprised by the differences in their childhood perspective and adult thinking. “Once adults reconnect with their younger selves, they tend to gain a greater sense of empathy and understanding for what children are going through.”

A 4-Step Approach to Connecting

Serani recommends practicing the following steps to improve your connection with kids:

• Beak the ice: Start off with something like, “Oh, you’re playing with your Legos”
• Deepen the interest: Try asking “Want some help? or “Want someone to play with?” and wait for their response. Depending on their needs, join in, or move on to another room. 
• Make a deeper connection: If you’re invited to join, ask open-ended questions like “What do you want me to do? or “What are we making?” Let the child direct the conversation, and mirror back what you’re hearing.
• Continue to get deeper: Take the convo a step further by asking, “How was school today?” or “What was T-ball like yesterday?” 

The goal is to meet a child at their comfort level, so they see “your presence, interest, and connection is about wanting to be with them,” Serani says.

Other Ways to Connect

Structured activities are great ways to connect with children. Serani suggests the following: 

Ask Open-ended Questions

Rather than asking kids close-ended questions like, “How was your day” or “Did you have a good time at the party?” which often instigates one-word responses like “fine” or “ok,” ask open-ended questions that tease the imagination or emotional centers of the brain, says Schamuhn. She suggests the following: 

• If you could have a superpower, what would it be?
• What was the best/worst part of your day?
• Tell me about a moment you were brave/kind today?
• What are you grateful for?
• Tell me about someone you helped today?
• What’s something you’re looking forward to?
• What is something that makes you feel scared or worried?
• If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
• If you could change the world in one way, what would you change?
• What do you wish we did differently as a family?
• What do you wish I did differently as a parent?

Open-ended Questions Help Develop Kids’ Well-being

Serani says parents asking simple and concise open-ended questions about their kids’ unique experiences can help form a positive connection and increase their well-being.

This particular kind of well-being is called flourishing, where children develop optimism, a sense of belonging, greater self-confidence, autonomy, positive self-esteem, and many other traits. Studies looking at parent-child interactions around the globe revealed that the greater the family connection, the higher the rate of flourishing.

“Children with parents who love and have genuine interest in their singular specialness develop character strengths that help them move through adversity better in life, and find meaning and purpose in life,” Serani adds.

Share Your Own Perspective (But Not *Too* Much)

When trying to connect with kids and teens, sharing your own experiences can be helpful but timing is everything, says Moran Marsh. “I always recommend staying focused on the child’s interests first. Make sure you truly understand their perspective before offering your own stories,” she adds.  

If they want to know more specifics, share minimal disclosure. If they want more, they will let you know by asking for more information. “When we overshare and kids aren’t ready for our stories, they feel like they are being lectured to or are overwhelmed by the information they’re not ready to process,” Serani says. “So the trick to talking to kids is to let them lead the social dance steps.”

Once children feel heard and validated, they may naturally invite your perspective, asking questions like: “What would you do in this situation?”

“If they aren’t ready for advice, respect that boundary,” says Moran Marsh. “Remember, children want to feel important, and moving too quickly into problem-solving can invalidate their thoughts, leading to emotional escalation.” 

Avoid Questions That Seem “Nosy”

Children are highly perceptive and can quickly see through an adult’s agenda, says Moran Marsh. Ask questions from a place of genuine curiosity rather than trying to steer the conversation. “Take your time, and remember that your goal is to empathize and understand what the child is experiencing,” she says. “Rapid-fire questions, especially if they come across as interrogative, will almost certainly backfire.” 

“Think of this social exchange as a temperature reading of whether the child is open to your curiosity or sees it as being too much right now,” says Serani. Based on their response, you’ll know if they want more connection, advice, or a listening ear.

Tips for Connecting With Kids Based on Their Age

Open-ended questions and structured activities are great ways to connect with your kid, but which questions to ask (and what activities to do) vary by age. You wouldn’t ask a five-year-old the same questions you’d ask a teenager, right? Exactly. Here are some ways to connect with your child, based on their age:

Kids Under 10

Staying informed about what’s interesting to children under 10 can help start conversations. This could include movies, sports teams, social media influencers, or seasonal events like Halloween. 

“Taking an interest in their world and offering honest feedback creates a more natural dialogue,” says Moran Marsh. Ask questions like: “Tell me what we can do together?” or “What happened on Bluey today?”

If you don’t know what to say, it’s ok to admit it by saying, “I’ve never thought about that before!” 

“This shows humility and openness—qualities that children appreciate,” Moran Marsh adds. 

Adolescents

Adolescents often feel misunderstood by adults, so it’s important to take an interest in what matters to them, says Moran Marsh. This can help break down barriers and foster connection. She suggests staying updated on pop culture and societal trends like video games, current events in sports, and social media. 

To connect with kids regarding social media, follow some influencers they follow, so you can ask
questions like: 

• Why do you think that person posted that picture?
• Are they looking for likes, validation, or something else?
• How do you feel when you’re on social media? 

Additionally, being aware of how social media works can help you connect with kids. “Many children admit feeling left out when they see friends together without them, a revelation that can open up meaningful conversations,” says Moran Marsh. 

Teenagers

The teenage years are a time for navigating dependence versus independence, so teens need to
welcome the space to talk, says Serani. She suggests asking questions like: 

• Is anything new going on?
• Just checking in with you. Need me for anything?
• Feel like helping me cook dinner?
• Got a second to talk?
• Looks like you’re busy now, but can we make time to check in with each other later?
• I know you’re busy after school, but I miss you, buddy. Can we connect tonight?
• Oh, you’re going to your friend’s house. I hope you have a great time. 

“Saying these to just connect and not look for more from your teen will deepen the parent-child bond,” Serani says. 

Topics to Avoid if You’re Trying to Connect With Kids

For parents trying to connect with kids, avoid turning the conversation into a to-do list with questions like: “Did you clean your room?” or “Did you finish your homework?” Instead, focus on their thoughts and feelings. 

“Refrain from entering the conversation with a hidden agenda,” says Moran Marsh. “Even though many adults, myself included, want to use every moment to teach valuable lessons, pushing your own agenda too early can cause frustration and make the child feel unheard.” 

When it comes to difficult topics to discuss like loss, illness, death, sex, religion, divorce, drugs, disasters, and prejudice, Serani recommends gauging how strong your connection is to the child before delving into these topics. 

If you have difficulty talking with children about topics that need to be addressed, you may be facing topic avoidance. “This happens when parents and children avoid talking about things to protect each other from distressing emotions or to safeguard privacy, or there’s shame attached to a subject that is too painful to share,” says Serani.

Getting help from a mental health professional (see below for some recs!) can help families work through these conversations.

Bottom Line

Ultimately, connecting with children takes a bit more work and a lot more intention. It’s just not the same as chatting with your bestie or partner. But that doesn’t make it impossible. Just think of yourself when you were a child—what did you like to do or talk about? It certainly wasn’t the news, politics, or any adult-like topics, but things like “Sesame Street,” “Barney” and American Girl Doll.

The secret to connecting with children isn’t complicated or hard. Just be a kid! After all, you have your own inner child waiting to come out, so go ahead and embrace them.

Dating someone who has lost their spouse comes with its own set of challenges. It involves balancing the hope and excitement of a new love with the grief that still lingers. There’s the memory of the person they’ve lost and maybe even a little guilt about opening their heart again. Those mixed emotions aren’t easy, particularly if you’re not sure how that grief might affect your new relationship.

“It may feel intimidating to embark on a relationship with someone who has lost a spouse because you know they have gone through a tremendous loss,” says Dr. Kathryn Smerling, PhD, LCSW, a family therapist and author of “Learning to Play Again: Rediscovering Our Early Selves to Become Better Adults.” For some, this might come with the fear that they’ll always be in competition with the spouse who passed away.

It can be a lot to take in, but don’t let it scare you. Dating a widowed person does have its challenges, but it can also lead to a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with someone special.

It’s Not Like Other Relationships

Dating a widower or widow can be a unique experience that requires a mix of compassion and hope. It can be challenging for a person to seek out companionship following such a profound loss.

If you are starting a relationship with someone who has lost their partner, there are some challenges and considerations to explore. They may hold a heavy emotional burden. They may struggle with feelings of sadness over the loss, as well as guilt about opening their hearts to someone new. The key is to honor these emotions while creating a space for new experiences and memories as a couple.

Understanding the Widow’s Perspective

One of the first considerations when dating a widowed person is to try to understand their emotional experiences as they begin a new relationship. Grief isn’t linear. Every person’s experience will be unique. That means the dating process may not follow the same patterns you might expect when dating someone who is divorced or never married. A widow or widower may experience fluctuating periods of sadness and even longing for their late spouse.

“There is no reason to rush the grief process, especially not to put external obligations and expectations on top of it,” says Alex Dimitriu, MD, a double-board certified psychiatrist at Menlo Park Psychiatry and Sleep Medicine.

It’s not uncommon for widows or widowers to feel guilty about being the surviving spouse. In other cases, they might feel like they are being unfaithful to their partner who has passed away.

They might worry that they are moving on too soon. They might also be reminded of what they love and miss about their spouse. Going to dinner at a favorite restaurant might remind them of the last time they were there with their deceased partner. Significant dates (like anniversaries, birthdays, and the date their partner passed) can also bring up fresh waves of emotion. 

Don’t be surprised if your new partner approaches the relationship very slowly and carefully. They need time to adjust to the huge changes in their life. Opening themselves up to a new relationship also means opening themselves up to the possibility of that pain and grief again–it’s easy to understand why making themselves vulnerable is so daunting.

While dating a widow or widower may require some patience. Just remember, their hesitance has less to do with you–it’s more about where they’re at emotionally.

Grief Is Always There, But Communication and Support Help

Making your way through the sometimes conflicting emotions grief creates requires strong communication. It’s vital to any healthy relationship, but it becomes even more important when you are in a relationship with someone who is still processing the loss of their partner. The death of a loved one is one of the most painful things we’ll experience in life–and often one of the hardest to talk about. You *need* to be ready to keep talking, even when things get heavy.

Being in a relationship with a widow is complex, explains Whitney Allen, a certified grief educator and coach, young widow, and author of “What Must Be Carried.”

Allen offers advice and support for people experiencing grief, as well as advice for people who may be in a relationship with someone who has lost a spouse. She explains that falling in love with a widowed person is complicated. To do it well, you need to understand that someone can hold enough love for two partners, she says.

“I think it is important to know as the person who is dating the widow/widower that there is no competition. Widows/widowers are able to hold love for both our current partner and our partner who has passed,” she explains.

Being willing to talk about their late partner can help. “We want to talk about these things and be open with you, but often, we may be scared to be vulnerable and honest because we don’t want to scare you away. We don’t want to make you feel like we care about you any less because we want to talk about our person,” Allen says. 

Grief-related topics are going to come up. It can help to ask them how they feel about talking about their late spouse and then be willing to listen without judgment. They might feel comfortable sharing memories, but they might also be in a place where they want to keep some things more private. That’s up to them. 

It isn’t your job to try to fix their grief. What you can do is respect their boundaries and create a safe space where they know that they can share if they want to. Be sensitive to their feelings, but make sure they know that talking about their late spouse isn’t a taboo topic.

Honoring the past relationships can help, explains licensed psychotherapist Dr. Noah Kass, DSW, LCSW. “Certain images or mementos may still be important for the widow/widower to keep visible,” he explains. “Finding balance between the old and new is key, especially when children are involved. The shift toward the relationship will happen over time if it isn’t forced.”

How to Navigate the Relationship Dynamics

It’s important to remember that your new partner also has people in their life who are also grieving. This may include their kids, extended family, and friends who may also be grappling with the loss. It can be tricky to find your place in their life.

There may be times when you feel like you’re in competition with someone who’s no longer here. Don’t feel bad if you have moments where you feel insecure or intimidated–it’s normal. It is up to you to find ways to deal with those feelings.

It can be more complicated if your new partner has kids. Whether they are young or have already flown the nest, they *are* going to have feelings about their surviving parent starting a new relationship. Blended families often come with complicated dynamics, and it’s normal for kids to feel protective of their deceased parent’s memory.

“Don’t try to replace their father or mother. You serve a different purpose, and you will be overstepping your boundaries if you try to replace someone,” Dr. Smerling suggests. “Develop your own relationship which is based on the here and the now, not on what happened before.”

The best thing you can do is be respectful, patient, and empathetic. Focus on creating trust so that you can build a positive connection with your partner’s kids.

Dealing with Grief Triggers and Anniversaries

Grief triggers can come up unexpectedly. People, places, sounds, and smells can all trigger vivid memories that strike out of nowhere. If you are dating a widow or widower, remember that these moments will happen from time to time.

Certain days, such as birthdays or anniversaries, are bound to bring up tough feelings. Don’t ignore them or pretend it’s just another day of the week. Talk to your partner about how they’d like to acknowledge the day–and be sure to ask about what kind of support they need. Some people may want to visit their late partner’s burial spot or memorial site. Others may want to visit a favorite place, spend time reflecting, or just take a few moments to share memories about their late partner.

“When the wedding song plays unexpectedly on the way to a romantic Saturday night dinner, don’t dismiss the significance of the widower’s past because it’s inconvenient or you feel the attention should be on you,” says Dr. Kass. “Give your partner, who has lost someone they shared the most meaningful chapter of their life with, space to simply be, breathe, and accept whatever they feel.”

However, make sure that you are also taking care of yourself. Allen says both people in a relationship deserve to feel loved and supported. Supporting someone who is grieving can sometimes be draining. Take time when you need it and prioritize the things that help you feel your best. Grief doesn’t just disappear, so focus on maintaining healthy outlets and coping mechanisms that ensure you’re both getting what you need.

Building a Strong Foundation

Dr. Smerling advises taking things slow. “Have clear and respectful boundaries. When in doubt, ask,” she suggests. “Have open communication channels. You may want to do check-ins: ‘Are we moving too fast?’ ‘Am I pushing your boundaries?’ “Is this comfortable for you?’ You want to be clear and transparent with one another in order to build a foundation based on trust.”

Trust is important for any healthy relationship, including when you’re dating someone who has lost their spouse. Trust takes time, and lingering grief can make that process a bit more complex and slow-moving. It’s going to take time for both of you to feel secure.

You can support the process by being patient, talking openly about what you are feeling, and addressing concerns that you may have. By communicating clearly, you can avoid misunderstandings that might get in the way of your relationship.

It’s OK to make space for yourself, but remember that boundaries aren’t about building walls to keep people or emotions out. They are about making each person feel respected and listened to in the relationship. You need to know your own limits, and they need to know theirs. That includes when, where, and how much you might talk about their late spouse and when you need to focus on your current relationship.

Creating new traditions to do as a couple is a great way to forge new memories together. This might involve engaging in shared hobbies, traveling together, or just spending time together. 

“In terms of building a relationship with a widow/widower, have new experiences together,” Allen recommends. “Travel, go on fun dates, have both tough and silly conversations that will bring you closer. Experience life together. The best thing about a new relationship as a widow was that I felt like I was alive again. I got to experience falling in love again and exploring life with someone I really cared about.”

Red Flags and Warning Signs

Dating a widower can lead to a lasting, fulfilling, long-term connection, but it’s also important to keep an eye out for a few red flags. One possible sign? If they are always comparing you to their late spouse. Of course, the past is going to have an influence, but if you feel like you’re being pitted against their memory, it’s a sign that something isn’t right.

Avoiding grief altogether can be another major warning sign. If they are further along in their grieving journey, they may have reached a point of acceptance. But if it seems like they shut down or avoid the topic altogether (or they turn to unhealthy coping strategies like anger, alcohol, or social withdrawal when reminders do come up), there’s some unresolved or prolonged grief that needs to be addressed.

Takeaways

Dating a widow or widower does come with unique challenges and heavy emotions, but don’t be intimidated. If you approach the relationship with empathy, patience, and a willingness to talk, you can build a lasting, meaningful connection. Support them by honoring their grief while creating happy new memories together. 

There is no one path to sobriety. Some follow the typical 12-step program popularized by Alcoholics and Narcotics Anonymous. Others practice being California sober aka where you abstain from the substance you have a harmful relationship with but may use others. And then there are the lone sum who follow a whole host of other strategies like attending support groups.

The point is: we often hear about the physical recovery from addiction—the type of journey highlighted by television shows like “Intervention” or by social media creators like Patrick Ridge. However, according to Vanessa Kennedy, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and the director of psychology at Driftwood Recovery, another key dimension of successful recovery is a person’s emotional sobriety.

That may sound daunting, especially if you or a loved one are also in the midst of the physically taxing part of recovery. But emotional sobriety is important—and don’t just trust our word for it. Ahead, experts explain why emotional sobriety is beneficial, how to develop it, what the barriers can be, and how to maintain it for the long haul. 

Understanding Emotional Sobriety

Wait, what is emotional sobriety, again? Nick Padlo, the CEO of Sophros Recovery who came to his work after undergoing his own experiences in recovery, says emotional sobriety is “our ability to have balance and healthy coping skills when life gets hard.”

He continues, adding that “beyond just abstinence from substances, we also have to be able to deal with the ebbs and flows of life. Otherwise, we’ll go back to  our drug of choice in the end.”

“For many years, I ignored emotions and suppressed emotions, and I was prone to [being] what we would refer to as an emotional volcano, where you ignore your emotions for so long [until] you can’t anymore,” he says. “You have kind of this overwhelm of emotions, and they all eventually rush up. And, for me, I coped with those challenges through the use of drugs and alcohol.”

The Benefits of Emotional Sobriety

There is a broad spectrum of benefits to emotional sobriety, whether you are in active addiction, in recovery, or are just seeking new ways to approach your mental health. Practicing emotional sobriety can help someone build healthy communication, acknowledge the active role in their life, create boundaries, and become more emotionally attuned, says Caroline Sahba, LPC-S, the associate director of the counseling and mental health center at TCU.

Researchers have found that those with substance use disorders tend to be emotionally dysregulated. By working on your emotional sobriety and developing the tools to understand yourself and others, your recovery and relationships are benefitted. Plus, understanding and processing your emotions without the barrier of substances is an added benefit in the long run.

Developing Emotional Sobriety

There are many ways to develop your emotional sobriety. For Padlo, he practiced mindfulness and chose to spend three months studying yoga full-time. This helped him cultivate the innate ability to feel, process, and redirect his emotions, which aided his recovery. Even if mindfulness is your forte, other expert-recommended strategies can help you develop sobriety. Some practices include:

• Sharing your feelings with someone you feel safe with
• Seeking out a therapist with expertise in recovery
• Leaning into exercise routines like running or yoga to increase your endorphins and relieve your stress
• Trying a treatment modality like acupuncture
• Participating in activities that provide physical feedback, like a cold plunge
• Focusing on your diet and brain-rich foods
• Finding, building, and maintaining community

Padlo adds that having a solid body and mind routine helps tremendously with his recovery journey. 

“I’ve noticed that if I stop going to meetings, stop talking to my sponsor, stop doing the things that keep me healthy, I start to lose my ability to regulate emotions in a healthy way,” he says. “And conversely, when I’m doing those things, I have much more control over that.”

Overcoming Emotional Sobriety Challenges

Much like with a person’s physical sobriety, maintaining emotional sobriety is not a one-time experience. Sahba says that, from her prior work experience, she’s seen social pressures that can knock one’s emotional sobriety off-course. 

Most of these pressures stem from social relationships with peers and a fear of rejection. “Wanting to seek approval from others and being willing to sacrifice emotional sobriety or their own like sanity to please others,” she notes.

Sahba adds that some of her clients in long-term recovery say that physical sobriety turned out to be the easier part of the equation. “Knowing how to communicate with other people, knowing how to set healthy boundaries, knowing how to take care of myself mentally and emotionally,” is more of a challenge, she notes.

Relationships Help With Maintaining Emotional Sobriety

On the other hand, Kennedy recommends leaning into relationships to maintain emotional sobriety over time. 

“Once you have done the work to achieve it, maintaining it requires practice sharing your feelings with others, tuning into your own emotional need, and even asking others for feedback on how you are doing,” she says. The ultimate goal is to operate from a more peaceful emotional state, so you can cope with whatever life throws your way. 

Resources for Emotional Sobriety

There is a wide variety of resources available related to emotional sobriety, including:

Conclusion

Sobriety, however you choose to approach it, is never just about your ability to avoid your substance(s) of choice. Part of recovery—a key part—is understanding your emotional sobriety. Although the concept of emotional sobriety stems from Alcoholics Anonymous, it resonates with all who are looking for a more emotionally regulated life, whether they’ve dealt with substance abuse disorders or not.