Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Keeping the conversation rolling on date night might already feel like second nature, especially if you two connect well or have been seeing each other for a bit. Weaving in some spicy conversation topics, however, might feel a little intimidating at first—especially if you’re not used to talking about these intimate subjects. But what if we said bringing in more intimacy is *exactly* what you and your partner need to strengthen your relationship?

“Exploring more intimate or daring topics helps you see each other in fresh, exciting ways, opening up vulnerable spaces where emotional and physical intimacy can grow,” says Ken Fierheller, a registered psychotherapist at One Life Counselling & Coaching. “It can also help reignite any sparks that might have dimmed over time.” 

Not sure what questions to ask for spicy convos with S.O.? We’re here to help kick things off. 

Flirty Icebreakers

New to spicy conversations, just beginning your relationship, or want to start in shallow waters? These are light and playful subjects to ease into the conversation and get the flirty vibes going. 

• How did you feel when we had our first kiss?
• How would you describe our chemistry in three words?  
• If I whispered in your ear right now, what would you want me to say?
• What’s your idea of the perfect morning-after breakfast?
• What’s something I do that always puts you in the mood for more?
• What song makes you think of me every time you hear it?
• What’s the sexiest dream you’ve had about us?
• What’s the best intimacy-related compliment you’ve ever received? 
• If I gave you a flirty dare right now, what would you be willing to do? 
• If we were alone in a room right now, what’s the first thing you’d want to do to me? 

Dreams and Fantasies

Research shows that roughly 90 to 95% of people have sexual fantasies. It’s important to focus on exploring your partner’s romantic and intimate dreams. Be open to receiving their answers—remember, this is an opportunity to learn more about each other. 

• Is there a new position or move you’ve been dying to try with me?
• If you could get away with any kind of sexual fantasy and not be judged, what would that be?
• What’s a sex toy or accessory you’ve always wanted to enjoy with a partner?
• Where’s a place you’ve always fantasized about having sex? 
• If we had no limits for one night—no time constraints, no place off-limits—what would we do?
• If I could make one of your deepest sexual desires come true, what would it be?
• What characters do you think would be fun to play in a role-playing scenario? 
• If you could design a fantasy room just for us, what would it look like and how would we spend our time there?
• What’s a fantasy that you like thinking about, but probably wouldn’t do in real life? 
• If I could blindfold you and surprise you with something sexy, what would you hope I do? 

Deep and Personal

Take your spicy date night to a deeper level with these questions, which dive into emotions and desires to create intimacy and connection.

• When do you feel most emotionally connected to me, and what strengthens that connection?
• What is an interesting or unexpected need or desire you have pertaining to sexual intimacy?
• What’s been your favorite, or most memorable, intimate moment with me? 
• What’s something small I do that drives you wild?
• How can I better support your intimate (emotional and/or sexual) needs?
• What’s your ideal frequency for how often you have sex, and how long you prefer each sex session? 
• If you could relive one of our most intimate moments and change one thing to make it even hotter, what would it be?
• How can I convey my love/care for you even better while we’re having sex? 
• Are there any specific phrases or words that really get you going? 
• What’s one thing you wish I knew about your intimate side that you haven’t shared yet? 

Sizzling Hot 

Whether you’re starting here right off the bat or working your way up, these spicy questions are hot and sexy.

• What’s one thing I do in bed that you can’t stop thinking about?
• If we spent an entire day in bed together, what would that look like? 
• When you’re pleasuring yourself, what helps you reach an orgasm?
• Is there a position or experience you have never had but would be open to trying with me?
• What’s the hottest fantasy you’ve ever had about us?
• If I could read your mind during sex, what do you think would surprise me the most?
• What are some of the most daring and thrilling places you’ve had sex?
• If I could tease you in the perfect way, what would that look like?
• When do you feel most turned on by me?
• What’s one thing I could do right now to make you completely lose control?

Thoughts to Keep in Mind 

Strengthening your relationship through intimate, flirty, and sexy questions is a good thing. Still, there are some things to keep in mind. For starters, you might want to choose a place and time that allows you to cultivate more vulnerability. Asking spicy questions in the open, surrounded by other people, may not go over well. 

It’s important that there is a foundation of safety and trust within the relationship, notes Erin Rayburn, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Evergreen Therapy. “Working on increasing safety and trust sets the stage for asking more intimate or spicy questions.” 

Also, try to remain open and vulnerable when asking these intimate questions. Refrain from judgment or shock when your partner answers—even if their responses do surprise you—and ensure the candidness flows both ways. Aside from that, have fun with it, don’t take yourselves too seriously, and enjoy the thrill! 

From academic stress, extracurricular obligations, and the pressure to fit in to dealing with bullies, body image issues, and FOMO fueled by social media, navigating life as a kid is no child’s play.

While challenges in life are unavoidable and often beyond our control, how we respond to them is entirely up to us. For our kids, this can be more complicated. Kids have less ability to regulate their emotions. They may have a harder time recognizing why they may be feeling stressed or anxious, and may be less aware of what to do about it.

“When kids learn healthy coping mechanisms, they become better equipped to handle stress and regulate their emotions, which, in turn, can boost their resilience,” says Dr. Agnesa Papazyan, PsyD. It not only reduces the likelihood of behavioral issues but also improves their social interactions and academic performance, she adds.

Emotionally resilient kids are also more likely to take healthy risks and solve problems independently, adds Dr. Monika Roots, a child and adolescent psychiatrist in Madison.

Useful Coping Skills for Kids

The first step is teaching children that it’s okay to reach out to a trusted adult and share whatever is on their mind. From there, exploring what coping methods work best for them is key, says Susan Tellone, clinical director at the Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide.

Here are some healthy coping strategies you may consider for your child:

13 Skills for Toddlers And Preschoolers

Engaging in social and active play can help kids this age express their emotions and cope with stressors effectively. For example:

• Role-playing
• Using feelings flashcards or a feelings chart
• Playing with puppets
• Bubble breathing
• Water play
• Dancing
• Jumping rope
• Hugging a stuffed animal
• Bouncing a ball

Dr. Kathryn Smerling, a Manhattan-based family therapist, also recommends:

• Drawing
• Coloring
• Reading a book together
• Practicing positive affirmations like “I am smart,” “I am strong,” and “I am brave.” 

“You also have to teach your kids that it’s okay to fail,” says Dr. Smerling. It’s okay if you fall down in the sandbox or can’t read what someone else can. Failure is how you learn to succeed, she adds.

13 Skills For Kids Aged 6-9

Coping skills that include simple mindfulness techniques and creative outlets may work best for this age group. For example:

• Belly breathing
• Sensory play
• Blowing bubbles
• Counting backwards from 100
• Labeling emotions
• Making art
• Movement games
• Imaginative play using dolls or action figures
• Journaling
• Paced breathing
• Doing puzzles
• Positive self-talk
• Creating pros vs cons lists

“I would also teach them the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, which I named The Magic 5,” says Melissa Tract, a child, teen, and young adult therapist. It’s a grounding exercise that involves identifying five things you can see, four you can hear, three you can touch, two you can smell, and one you can taste.

15 Skills For Preteens And Teens

Adolescents who practice healthy coping skills are likely to have lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression compared to those who use avoidant coping strategies.

Having someone they can talk to who will listen without judgment is super important, says Tellone. Other coping techniques include:

• Box breathing
• Doodling
• Expressive writing
• Guided meditation
• Yoga
• Tai chi
• Mindful walking
• Running
• Making a gratitude jar
• Progressive muscle relaxation
• Spending time in nature
• Holding ice
• Visualizing the circle of control 
• Scheduling tech-free breaks
• Positive affirmations like “I’ve got this,” “I am enough,” “I am stronger than I think,” and “I’m in control of my emotions.”

Additionally, engaging in activities that give back to the community can provide a sense of purpose and boost self-esteem, which can help counter negative emotions, says Tellone.

Teaching Coping Skills to Kids

When teaching coping skills to kids, remember that taking over the problem or forcing a coping method is likely to backfire. It can undermine their confidence and ability to handle their own problems. Below, experts share what to do instead:

Model Healthy Coping Behaviors

“Our children, no matter their age, are always watching our behavior, including how we handle stress and create our support systems,” says Tellone.

Dr. Roots agrees, “Kids are like sponges—they’re absorbing everything, even when they don’t seem to be paying attention.” 

If they see their parents coping in healthy ways, they are more likely to do the same. So, for instance, when your kid sees you upset, you could say, “Yes, I’m upset right now. I’m going to do my paced breathing. Would you like to join me?”

Experiment With Different Coping Skills

We all feel and manage emotions differently. What works for you won’t necessarily work for your kid. In fact, what works for someone in one situation may not be as effective for the same person in another situation.

That’s why it’s essential to introduce a variety of coping strategies to your kid so they can try and decide for themselves what works best for them in a given situation. 

Wait Until Everybody Is Calm

Don’t teach a new coping skill when either you or your kid is upset or stressed out. Instead, choose a time when everyone is relaxed, as kids learn better in a calm and friendly environment.

Use Visual Aids To Make It More Engaging

Consider using visual tools like pictures, videos, cue cards, toys, and sticky notes to help kids learn and remember coping strategies more easily.

Practice Coping Skills Consistently

Building coping skills into our daily routine makes us more likely to use them when we need. Sharing positive affirmations at breakfast, doing gratitude practice together before bedtime, and regular emotional check-ins are some ways to ease into the habit.

Reward Their Efforts

Positive reinforcement can increase motivation and confidence, making kids more likely to repeat healthy behaviors. Dr. Smerling suggests encouraging them with positive language like, “I’m so proud of you for trying” or “You handled that so well!”

For younger kids, Tract suggests making it a part of a game. For example, you can turn coping skills into fun daily challenges and reward their efforts with extra playtime, stickers, or treats.

Set Realistic Expectations

Parents often expect immediate results or completely linear progress, says Rachael Jones, LMFT, PMH-C. But progress, whether for kids or adults, is seldom a straight line. Besides, everyone learns at a different pace. Being patient can create a supportive environment for your kid to learn and improve their coping skills without pressure.

Don’t Dismiss Their Struggles

As adults, we often think of it as “little kids, little problems.” But even those little problems can feel overwhelming to kids facing them. So it’s important not to minimize their emotions, says Tellone. 

Instead, listen intently and respond in a way that validates their feelings. For instance, “I can see you’re frustrated. What do you think can help you feel better?”

Keep Developmental Considerations In Mind

For younger kids, keep the language simple and instructions brief, as they have a short attention span. 

Similarly, it’s important to remember that kids go through rapid hormonal changes during adolescence. This can significantly impact how tweens and teens experience and manage their emotions, says Tellone. 

That said, it’s okay to occasionally point out if you notice they are acting differently or seem off. “It can encourage them to open up about what they’re experiencing or turn to a healthy coping mechanism,” adds Tellone.

Addressing Specific Challenges With Coping Skills

Different situations demand different coping strategies. Here are some effective ways for kids to cope when dealing with:

Academic Stress

Learning to prioritize tasks and limiting distractions can help reduce short- and long-term stress. Dr. Roots suggests starting off by introducing your child to different time management systems like time-boxing, the Pomodoro technique, and the Eisenhower matrix to help them find one that works best for them.

Other coping skills to tackle academic stress include:

• Guided imagery
• Mind mapping
• Limiting multitasking
• Managing screen time
• Challenging perfectionism
• Regular exercise
• Getting enough sleep

Dr. Roots also recommends encouraging kids to organize their study area for better focus and less anxiety. 

Social Anxiety

Practice social skills together through role-playing or games, suggests Jones. She also recommends doing grounding exercises before and during social interactions. Like, taking deep breaths, sucking on sour candy, touching something cold, or using fidget rings. It may also help to take breaks during stressful social situations, adds Jones. 

Bullying

The first step is to create a safe and supportive environment to let your child know they don’t have to face it alone. Avoid speaking in an authoritative or accusatory tone as it can make them feel pressured or defensive. Instead, be gentle and ask open-ended questions.

Here are three coping skills for kids who have experienced bullying:

• Seeking support: Jones recommends teaching kids that it’s okay to ask for help if they feel unsafe or uncomfortable. For example, they can report it to a trusted adult or talk to a therapist. They can also confide in a friend and use the buddy system at school so that they aren’t alone with the bully.
• Boundary setting: Consider role-playing different scenarios with your child to help them learn about personal space and boundaries, including how to communicate them clearly and assertively and effectively handle conflicts.
• Breathwork: You can also introduce simple breathing exercises like the Darth Vader breath, aka Ujjayi pranayama, to help them tap into mindfulness whenever they feel stressed or overwhelmed.

Loss And Grief

Validate their feelings without trying to distract or “fix” anything, says Dr. Roots. “Answer any questions they may have calmly and reassuringly,” she adds. 

Other than that, she suggests the following tips to help kids cope with grief: 

• Holding a memorial service for the loved one or pet.
• Going to a particular place you all enjoyed visiting.
• Talking to a friend
• Expressing difficult feelings through drawing, journaling, or any other activity they like.

New Move Or Family Changes

“Try bringing as much structure and normalcy back into your child’s life as soon as possible,” says Dr. Roots. For instance, keep things like morning and bedtime routines as consistent as you can.

You can also journal together or encourage younger kids to draw out how they are feeling, adds Dr. Roots.

Supporting Children With Special Needs

When teaching coping skills to kids with special needs, it’s crucial to tailor strategies to their unique needs, interests, and learning styles, says Dr. Papazyan, who specializes in autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, and learning disorders. 

Let’s look at 9 key coping skills for kids with special needs:

• Consistent routines: Children with special needs, including those on the autism spectrum, can benefit from having a consistent daily routine. “Routine provides these kids with structure and predictability, which can alleviate anxiety,” Dr. Papazyan explains.
• Role-playing: Use social stories and social scripts to help them practice emotional regulation, social cues, and problem-solving skills in a safe, simple, and structured way.
• Sensory play: Sensory activities can help kids process their feelings in a tangible way through touch and feel, notes Dr. Papazyan. Think playdough, slime, sand, and water play. 
• Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness activities, like body scans, the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, and five-finger breathing, can help ground kids with special needs during stressful moments, says Dr. Papazyan. 
• Sensory breaks: For kids with sensory sensitivities, incorporating regular sensory breaks (e.g., jumping, walking in circles, climbing stairs, playing in a sandbox, etc.) can help improve focus and reduce overwhelm. 
• Creative expression: Creative outlets like drawing and painting can be effective ways to express emotions, especially for kids who struggle to put their feelings into words, Dr. Papazyan suggests.
• Physical movement: Regular physical activity can be a great outlet for emotional release and self-regulation, says Dr. Papazyan. For kids with limited mobility, consider seated exercises, adaptive yoga, and modified sports like basketball. 
• Self-awareness: For preteens and teens, Dr. Papazyan suggests introducing coping skills that promote self-awareness and autonomy, like goal-setting, time management, habit tracking, and journaling. 
• Peer support: For teens with special needs, peer support groups can provide a safe space for sharing experiences and coping strategies and improving social skills. All of which can help boost self-esteem and build emotional resilience.

Special Considerations To Keep In Mind

Below, learning specialist Dr. Rebecca Mannis suggests five questions to keep in mind when deciding which coping skills to teach a special needs child:

• Can they follow a long sentence or a three-step direction?
• How long can they sit when tired and hungry?
• Are they slower to warm up to new situations? 
• Do they like to talk things through, or are they more of a checklist kind of person?
• Do they need concrete cues to refer to (like alarms on their phone or sticky notes on the fridge), or do they work better with novelty (e.g., surprise activities and interactive tools)? 

In addition, Dr. Papazyan recommends using clear, simple language and plenty of visual elements. For example, teach deep breathing using fun visuals, like pretending to blow up a balloon or smell flowers. Use picture cards and videos to help them identify and label emotions. For kids with visual impairment, consider tactile prompts, guided hand movements, storytelling, and rhymes. 

For kids with ADHD, it’s important to keep sessions short and interactive. They may also need more frequent encouragement and concrete cueing like sticker charts, says Dr. Mannis. 

Lastly, remember that coping skills are never meant to make a child with special needs function as if they don’t have special needs, says Jones. They are only meant to support their well-being. 

When to Seek Professional Help

While coping skills are essential, sometimes, kids may need additional support to manage their emotions. Below, Dr. Roots shares some signs that your child may benefit from professional mental healthcare:

• Unusual mood swings and sudden outbursts
• Overwhelming anxiety or excessive worrying
• Loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy
• Emotional numbness 
• Social withdrawal
• Significant changes in sleep patterns, such as insomnia or oversleeping
• Noticeable changes in appetite or weight, either considerable increase or decrease
• Difficulty concentrating, making decisions, or remembering things
• Frequent unexplained physical complaints, like headaches or stomach aches
• A decline in performance at school (e.g., slipping grades, missing deadlines, etc.)
• Using alcohol or drugs as a coping mechanism
• Expressing thoughts of self-harm or suicide or engaging in self-destructive behaviors

“Every child is different, so above all else, trust your instincts,” says Dr. Roots. 

Keep in Mind

Coping skills for kids are necessary to help them manage stress and emotions in healthy ways and build resilience. By introducing various age-appropriate coping strategies based on their needs and interests, we can prepare kids to handle life’s inevitable bumps and bends with more confidence and clarity.

Teaching these skills is an ongoing process that requires patience, consistency, and leading by example. The payoff is invaluable, though. However, if your child is struggling despite trying coping techniques, it may be time to consider seeking professional mental health support.

You’ve heard the news: divorce rates are skyrocketing. Nearly 700,000 couples divorced or annulled their marriage in 2022. Why? There are a couple of reasons from a lack of family support to infidelity and a lack of intimacy. And look: no marriage is perfect. Sometimes, it is better to cut your losses and hire a divorce lawyer, but other times, you can save the union with a little process known as marriage counseling.

Ahead, we lay out everything you didn’t know about marriage counseling including whether it truly saves a couple’s union from the brink of divorce.

What Is Marriage Counseling?

Let’s start with the basics: what is marriage counseling?

“Marriage counseling [helps a] couple identify and change the problematic pattern of interaction that causes conflict and disconnection in their relationship,” explains Audrey Schoen, LMFT. “Couples get stuck in these patterns, which are often self-reinforcing. Counseling provides a clear understanding of the pattern and strategies for getting unstuck.”

Okay, but does it work? According to experts, yes.

“Success rates average about 50-60% when couples go to marriage counseling,” says Mario Palacios, MA, LMFT. While that number doesn’t seem super high, there are reasons why (more on this later) couples counseling has its success rate. Marriage counseling does help—just look at the TV show “Couples Therapy.” Some couples have long-buried resentments or conflicts that months of armchairing won’t fix.

How Does Marriage Counseling Work?

All couples have disagreements. Going through a rough patch is totally normal. But when not getting along becomes the norm, it’s time to consider getting some help.

Most people know that getting marriage counseling means meeting with a therapist and talking. But that’s painting it with a very broad stroke. The process is designed to be customized for you and your spouse, specific to your needs and goals.

Different Types of Marriage Counseling

Like any therapy, there are different approaches to help meet client’s varying needs. For marriage counseling, specifically, there are numerous but these are the most common:

• The Gottman method: Often the most used approach, it focuses on giving you and your partner tools to solve problems and help deepen your relationship on an intimate level.
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): This practice helps you look at negative thought patterns and understand how those patterns impact your behavior.
• Emotionally focused couples therapy: This type of therapy puts feelings and emotions at the forefront. The goal is to understand what led to your disconnection as a couple, and then work on making you feel more connected.

How to Find the Right Therapist

Your initial thought may be to learn more about the types of therapy and which one could work for you, but mental health experts say it’s more important to find the right therapist.

“The first question you need to ask is how competent is the marriage counselor you have found?” Palacios explains. “Their number of years of experience? Does he/she take a thorough psychosocial history from the couple? Does the counselor work on creating SMART goals with the couple? These are the questions to ask, because a good relationship with the counselor is key, and may even be more important than the specific type of therapy.”

You’ll know that you’ve found the right counselor when it’s someone who makes you feel safe and secure, and who you can both openly share with. You’ll discover these feelings as you begin the counseling process.

What You Can Expect

There’s no defined path to couples counseling. (Remember, there are different types of counseling to meet you and your partner’s relationship needs). But most if not all counseling follows some sort of procedure. It typically goes like this:

Understanding why counseling is important and how it works can be the first step to helping you feel feel more comfortable in your therapy journey.

How Marriage Counseling Helps

The purpose of therapy is to bring about helpful change in your relationship. Marriage counseling has a number of benefits, including:

• Tools for handling conflict. Stepping away from the conflict and processing it before coming back together is a valuable tool to learn!
• Get to know your partner better. Counseling can uncover deep-seated childhood issues that impact your spouse and your marriage. Learning more about their struggles can benefit you both.
• Deeper connection and increased intimacy. “Improved relational skills not only help to increase intimacy and connection within the relationship but also positively impact all relationships,” Schoen notes.
• Improved communication. Learning how to talk to each other in a way that’s respectful and acknowledges each person’s feelings is critical in a relationship. 

“My husband and I attended couples therapy and it saved our marriage,” Schoen says. “We both worked hard to recognize how each of our behaviors contributed to the conflict patterns we get stuck in. We still have ongoing work to do, but now we have more insight, improved self-regulation, and better communication skills to navigate our challenges.”

Counseling Takes Work—But Is Worth It

Counseling won’t be easy. It requires a willingness to be vulnerable, introspective, and aware of potential challenges you may face. Finding a good therapist is one-half of the journey. The other is “facing your own contributions to the problem.” Schoen notes. “While not all problems are 50/50, we all have a role to play in resolving them. Making the time and financial commitment can be difficult, especially if you are parenting young children.”

Determination and a commitment toward your marriage can give you the energy and focus to keep pressing forward and trust the process.

Bottom Line

Counseling is not a cure-all for any relationship. You still have to do the work. In some cases, that may mean finding additional ways to work through your marriage issues. That can look like engaging in counseling books and videos or attending marriage seminars and workshops. Perhaps, journaling too! The goal is to learn more about your spouse’s needs, desires, and love language.

Does going to counseling mean your marriage won’t end in divorce? No. However, therapy and other tools can definitely improve your marriage if both parties are willing to put in the work. It’s truly a well-worth investment.

“Marriage counseling shouldn’t be a last resort—it should be a first line of defense,” Schoen says.