Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

If I had to watch only one genre for the rest of my life, it’d be reality TV. There’s nothing greater than a trashy reality show. I’m talking scandals, cheating, lying—you know, all the voyeuristic drama I’d want to watch but never experience in real life. 

“The Bachelor.” ”Love Island USA.” “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” “Real Housewives.” It’s escapism at its finest, jaw-dropping, attention-grabbing, mindless forms of entertainment that I can’t stop watching. But as much as I love streaming these shows, I can’t help but get upset at how unrealistic they are. And sure, marrying someone you met through a pod isn’t something your everyday person is doing, but you know what is? Living in a plus-sized body. 

Recent studies show that the average American woman is between a size 16 and a size 18. The average American man falls somewhere along the same lines. But most reality TV shows portray thin bodies—sizes 0 to 4. Even my body type, a size 6, is rarely seen and the few times it is, it’s considered plus size. (Fun fact: a size 6 is not plus-sized). 

We know how important representation is, especially in the media. While traditional television and film have slightly improved their body diversity representation, reality TV remains in its infancy. When your average viewer doesn’t see themselves falling in love, getting married, or obtaining wealth, what does that say about them—and people with their bodies? 

Lack of Body Diversity in Reality TV

There are many subgenres in the reality TV sphere. You have the ‘finding love’ shows like “The Bachelor” and “Married at First Sight,” competition series like “The Voice” and “Survivor” and then everyone’s favorite: the dramas.

Most of the stars from these shows are straight-sized. Has there been a plus-sized contestant on “The Bachelor,” “Survivor,” or other popular reality TV shows? Of course, but not nearly enough as there should be for accurate representation. The few reality shows with a predominantly plus-sized cast are often centered on stereotypes, caricatures, and weight loss (think “My 600-Lb Life” and “The Biggest Losers”).

OK, But Why Does Plus-Size Representation Matter?

Seeing yourself represented on-screen helps with self-esteem, confidence, and a sense of belonging. “We are bombarded with messages coming from everywhere and we internalize those messages,” Rachel Goldman, PhD, a licensed psychologist, explains. “If individuals see people who look like them, or act like them, they can relate more to the individual, or the character, and feel a sense of belonging.” 

Sarah Chiwaya, an avid reality TV watcher and plus-sized fashion blogger, notes that the lack of plus-size representation on TV can reinforce negative stereotypes around larger bodies, particularly that skinnier sizes are only worthy of love. 

“It reinforces this idea that your body is only good, desirable, and beautiful if it’s small, and for a lot of people, that contributes to disordered eating, self-hatred, and body dysphoria and things like that,” she says. “If you’re a size 16 watching the show and someone who’s a size 8 is being treated like the fat girl who’s just too big for love, who’s totally going to be eliminated on the first night, that can be harmful to your own self-image and how you relate to your body.” 

Otherness, Stigmas, and Discrimination

Society is full of different races, genders, features, hair textures, and so on. But if the TV landscape doesn’t reflect that, it can make one feel isolated, especially if they live in a homogenous community where they look different. 

Feeling othered has psychological effects, too. One study found that weight stigma and body discrimination increase the risk factors for depression, low self-esteem, and lower body satisfaction. Another study reported similar results, noting that perceived weight discrimination was associated with diagnoses of mood and anxiety-related disorders.

Representation Teaches Empathy & Understanding

Not only does representation make us feel better about ourselves, but it also helps others understand that there’s no such thing as a “normal” or a “standard” body shape/type.  Dr. Goldman explains that we learn empathy and understanding through the media messages we take in. Watching positive, diverse, and accurate representations of different body sizes can destigmatize preconceived notions about body homogeneity including the idea that there is a “right” size.

“Being consistently confronted with this [anti-body diversity] message can teach someone in a larger body that they are disgusting and wrong—which, of course, can lead to anything from lower self-esteem to self-hatred to diagnosable mental health issues like depression and anxiety,” notes Owens.

Body Issues and Eating Disorders

Can you develop an eating disorder from just watching reality TV? Not necessarily, but you can feel a pressure to lose weight or adhere to a specific body size, which may cause disordered eating or body dysmorphia, Owens says. “Not everyone who compares themselves negatively to who they see on TV will develop an eating disorder, [but] most eating disorders occur in young women, [an audience group] this kind of content is specifically targeting,” she says.

“For instance, individuals want to look like their favorite influencers or other celebrities, and sometimes they will do anything they can to make themselves look like that, even if it is participating in unhealthy behaviors, such as disordered eating behaviors,” she says.

Examples of Body Diversity in Reality TV

It’s hard to find, but some good reality TV media representations of diverse bodies do exist. One of them is Lifetime’s 2015 show, “Big Women: Big Love,” which aired for one season and focused on a group of plus-sized women searching for love. Unlike other shows with a majority plus-sized cast, “Big Women: Big Love” didn’t focus on weight loss or other anti-plus-sized messaging, says Sabrina Servance, a former cast member.

“It was so nice to be able to just completely be myself and not feel like I had to ‘perform’ or put on a character,” she adds. “Since it was about dating and being plus-sized, I also was happy that it wasn’t weight loss-focused. I stayed true to myself and I’ve been told that’s pretty rare for a reality show.”

Servance says “The Circle” is another reality show that presents plus-size people authentically, noting that the series “shows the struggle and the nuances that come with being a human being in our current society.” Chiwaya lists “RuPaul’s Drag Race” as one of the only shows to feature bigger bodies, but she also warns that though there are plus-size contestants, they have a bigger challenge than their straight-size counterparts.

There are other shows like “The Circle” and “RuPaul’s Drag Race” that have plus-sized contestants where their body and size aren’t incidental. Notable examples include Alexa Lemieux from season two of “Love is Blind” and Amber Riley from “Dancing With the Stars.”

How Reality TV Can Become More Body Diverse

Ultimately, there’s just not enough body diversity in reality television. So, how do we get more? Well, it starts with production and casting. “I think this is because the writers, directors, producers, etc. don’t think it’s what the general public wants to see,” Dr. Goldman says.

Servance agrees, adding that “networks need to let go of their archaic casting choices. We want to be seen! It won’t hurt to change the narrative around how these shows are cast.”

It’s not enough to just cast plus-size people on reality TV. Networks also need to create environments where larger bodies don’t feel ostracized and bothered.

There are too many reality TV shows where the only plus-size person feels isolated and unattractive in their body. Casting more plus-size people is just one step towards making reality TV more diverse.

Bottom Line

Representation is important, and unfortunately, reality television has failed to accurately and positively depict body diversity. And seeing yourself negatively depicted on-screen—or, in worst cases, not at all—affects your mental health and well-being. “Being represented in the media can sometimes seem like the world’s way of saying, ‘We see you and we appreciate you!’ And who doesn’t want to hear that?” Owens adds.

Body diversity in reality TV also helps audiences unlearn preconceived thoughts about weight and body shame. It shows viewers that there’s nothing wrong with being a larger size and that you are not unworthy or unlovable for being bigger.

“Seeing more body diversity can break weight stigma and body shaming,” Dr. Goldman explains. And breaking the stigma of being plus-sized has so many mental benefits for both plus-size people and non. It says that everyone is deserving of space and love, no matter their weight or body size, which, according to Owens, “increases your self-esteem and changes the way you occupy space in the world—with confidence and self-respect.”

There’s no reason why we don’t see larger bodies on screen. Just like race, gender, and sexuality, body diversity is needed, too.

You’ve probably seen plenty of platitudes imploring us to follow our dreams, do what we love, and live a life of purpose. These suggestions are everywhere, embroidered on throw pillows and hung on walls in pastel colors and whimsical fonts. But seriously, how does someone really figure out what their passions are? Sometimes a person just knows their life path from childhood and other times, hey, it takes a minute.

I was well into my 30s before it all came together for me. I’d already had a successful life according to others, having spent much of my 20s as a commercial model, founding a brand of food at age 30, and making a name for myself as a special diet chef. But my life didn’t feel right because I felt lacking in purpose.

Cooking, speaking, and writing were the ways I naturally expressed myself, so what if I used them as modalities to help others? I added a nutrition certification to my B.A. in creative writing and suddenly my career took off in new and exciting ways as I gained clarity on how I wanted to use my passions to enrich the lives of others. It’s been over a decade since then. I’ve never looked back, and I’ve never been happier.

Luckily, you probably don’t have to spend half a decade like I did to figure out what will make you happier in life! Instead, you can conduct the introspection I hadn’t really considered performing, by asking yourself some powerful questions to discern where your passions lie.

Why Finding Your Passions is Important

You’ll feel more fulfilled. “Passion helps you find a path and purpose that will allow you to feel more fulfilled,” says Mason Farmani, Intuitive Personal and Corporate Life Coach. He notes, “determining what motivates you and what excites you can make your plans clearer and guide you toward actions that resonate with your authentic self.” He also says that when you’re connected to your passions, it’s easier to make decisions about your lfie.

It’s good for your mental health. “Having the intention of doing what you love helps reduce stress, anxiety, and depression,” explains Farmani. He adds that “engaging in passionate activities can boost your mood, increase feelings of joy, and offer an escape from daily pressures. Activities that get you excited can also help with overall satisfaction and contentment.”

You’ll have more energy and motivation. “When you’re engaged in activities you’re passionate about, it often feels energizing,” Farmani says. “Passion fuels motivation, making pushing through challenges easier and staying dedicated to your goals. Having something you are passionate about helps make getting out of bed each morning a little easier, especially with all the heightened stress in today’s world,” he adds.

25 Questions to Ask Yourself

Ponder these questions, either slowly in your mind or written out in a journal or document, to delve deeper into your passions.

What childhood activities did I love?

What you enjoyed as a child may not be what you do know, but it shows where your first loves lied. “ Look back at what you enjoyed doing as a child—whether it was drawing, playing an instrument, or exploring nature. Sometimes, our childhood eagerness can provide clues to what still excites us today,” says Farmani.

What would I do if time and money weren’t factors?

“This is a question that can help us dream big,” says  Dr. Patrice Le Goy, PhD, MBA, LMFT. She notes that “we may need to scale it down, but it can give us some ideas about where to focus our attention.” Farmani suggests, “ Imagine a life without financial or time constraints.” He says, “this can help uncover your most genuine desires, free from practical concerns.”

How do I want to be remembered?

Think about how you want others to remember you, whether once you are no longer in their lives or even after you’ve passed on. “This doesn’t need to be grand or require fame—for example, if you want to be remembered as a giving person, maybe you can spend some time serving meals to people who are hungry or tutoring school children,” says Le Goy. “You can change someone’s life for the better with the smallest acts,” she reminds us.

What do others tell me I’m good at?

For many years, I didn’t think of myself as a chef—even though I’d worked professionally as one in great capacities—because I never had any formal training. It took others pointing out my culinary skills for me to understand they were notable. “Sometimes we don’t always notice our talents ourselves, but our loved ones might be able to remind us of our gifts,” Le Goy explains.

What problems do I want to solve?

These can be large societal problems or small annoyances you notice impede your life and that of others. Farmani suggests you ask yourself specifically, “what issues or challenges do you feel strongly about and want to address in your life?” Additionally, operating from a place of helping others can make us feel better about ourselves and the world. “Passion often arises from a desire to make a difference,” notes Farmani.

What am I scared to try?

It might feel unnatural to lean into fear, but it’s worth taking a look at. “Sometimes things are scary because they are exciting and challenge us, and that can be a good window into discovering our passions,” says Le Goy. If there are things out there you like but the idea frightens you, maybe that’s a good thing and you should spend some time with it.

Where have I wanted to travel?

This can work in multiple ways: The places you’ve wanted to go could be part of your passions, or they could lead you to them. Le Goy notes that “while traveling can definitely be one of our passions, if it’s not available to us now, we can still learn about that culture or learn a new language that can help connect us to that passion.”

What career did I dream of as a child?

You may have wanted to be a firefighter or a ballerina, and that may have not exactly worked out, but that doesn’t mean the dream is over. “Maybe you’re not going to go back to school to be a veterinarian, but your love of animals could lead you to foster animals or volunteer at an animal shelter,” says Le Goy.

Where do my values lie?

Think about what’s important to you ethically, and be honest with yourself about it. We all naturally feel more strongly about some things than others, and it’s necessary to know what matters to us so that we can align our lives with those values. This is another question that could lead you to a volunteer opportunity.

 What would I do if I couldn’t fail?

Taking the stress out of the equations can open your mind to new possibilities. “If fear of failure didn’t exist, what would you pursue?” is what Farmani suggests asking yourself. He says that “this can point you toward activities or goals you’re passionate about but may be holding back due to fear.”

What do I see others doing that I feel envious of?

We generally think of envy as a negative trait, but it’s there to give us a message. “This is a way to turn something that could potentially be seen as negative into an opportunity to uncover something productive,” says Le Goy. If you have issues feeling envy when you look at social media, think on what those people are doing that you’re envious of. One of your passions may be in their activities.

What hobbies make me the happiest?

Hobbies are just for fun, but we pick the ones we pick because they’re what we enjoy doing. Le Goy says to ask yourself, “What makes you feel the most joy and the most freedom?” and go from there.

What if you didn’t worry about what others thought of you?

We can get trapped in the cycle of worry over how others perceive us, and it isn’t terribly useful. Think about what you’d do with your life if that wasn’t a concern. You might surprise yourself! If you take potential embarrassment out of the equation, the world has a lot more to offer. Don’t be upset if something seems silly, or trite–that’s part of the point of the exercise!

When do I feel the most content?

Think back to the times when you have felt the most peaceful and at ease. That sense of contentment could lead you to have a better idea of what your passions are. Explains Farmani, “passion often aligns with a sense of inner peace, where you’re doing something that feels deeply fulfilling.”

What do I enjoy learning about?

We all know when we’re interested in learning about a subject. You can tell by the fact that it feels fun, not boring, and not like a chore. Farmani says to ask yourself specifically, “what subjects or skills do you feel most curious about?” He notes that “whether art, science, or history, your natural interests can often lead you toward your passions.”

What does my perfect day look like?

Daydreaming is perfect for this question! Consider what an ideal day looks like to you. Le Goy says to view this through the lens of presuming all your needs have been met first. That’s because “if you’re exhausted, you may say your perfect day would be sleeping all day.” However, she adds that “f your basic needs are met, you can explore and expand what else you may want to include in that day. ”

What topics am I naturally drawn to?

These are often known as special interests. “Reflect on what consistently captures your attention,” suggests Farmani. Specifically, look at “what are you always curious about, whether it’s in books, articles, or conversations,” and what do you talk about endlessly? Somehow, no one pointed out to me that my affinity for discussing vitamins for hours on end was a little unusual. Perhaps if someone had, I’d have realized sooner that nutrition was an area of professional interest to me!

How do I most easily pass the time?

Losing track of time, and the activities that lead to that feeling, is not only joyful; it also can lead us to understand what we get the most immersed and interested in. Farmani tells us to “think about moments when you were so absorbed in something that you forgot the time,” and explains that “these activities are often deeply aligned with your passions.”

What has life taught me?

Life lessons can lead us directly to our passions, or it can be a circuitous route. What struggles have you faced and overcome? Where did life challenge you, but you persevered? If you have a lot of humility, this can be like the question about what others tell you you’re good at. Think instead about what others have commented on you surviving, and how that has impacted you. You may have a gift that you don’t even realize could lead you to assist others with similar struggles.

What would I regret not trying?

Everyone has regrets, and there’s no going back and fixing our mistakes. However, we have the power to prevent regrets centered around what we didn’t do. “ Think about what you might regret if you never pursued it,” recommends Farmani. He says to ask yourself, “what dreams or aspirations do you feel drawn to but have yet to give yourself the chance to explore?”

What do I daydream about?

In a world focused on productivity, we can be forced to think our daydreams are a waste of time. They’re anything but that! Instead, they can lead us right to our passions. “Pay attention to your daydreams,” instructs Farmani. “What scenarios, places, or experiences do you imagine often? These dreams can provide powerful insights into your passions,” he adds.

Is anyone holding me back from my dreams?

This is a great opportunity to think both realistically and through the lens of daydreaming. If you have responsibilities that could prevent you from achieving your dreams, that’s one thing, but if you simply see others as potentially not approving or agreeing with your choices, that’s entirely different. Look at your relationships to make sure you focus on those in your life from whom you feel support, not judgment.

What have my biggest disappointments been?

Looking back on when you’ve been disappointed in life gives you the chance to make sure it doesn’t happen again, and you don’t repeat the same actions. ” It may seem counterintuitive to think about our disappointments when trying to find our passions, but we can reframe that disappointment into something we haven’t done yet,” says Le Goy.

What do I admire in others?

We all have traits we appreciate in other people, and there can be a lot to that. “Think about the people you admire most,” says Farmani. Ask yourself, “what qualities, talents, or pursuits do they have that you find inspiring?” He says that “these can reflect aspects of your own ambitions waiting to be discovered.”

If I could start over, what would I do differently?

Here we come full circle. You’ve thought about what you loved to do as a kid, but now go back and examine your life since then. Where would you have focused? What would you have changed? This is a great final questions because it brings everything together and gives you the chance to see your life through the new eyes of potential and possibility.