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Wait, Am I the Black Cat in My Relationship?
As I write this article, I see my husband outside gardening. But every few minutes, he stops to talk to our neighbors, strangers walking their dogs, and the postal worker.
I’m the type who would hide if I saw someone I know in public; however, he would intentionally go and say hi. And if he didn’t get a chance, he’d text them later to tell them he saw them at that specific place and time. He enjoys having lots of friends whereas I prefer a few close ones. According to TikTok, he’s the golden retriever trope to my black cat persona.
I wanted to learn more about this dynamic so I reached out to some experts and dug in deeper.
What is the “black cat girlfriend” theory?
The “black cat girlfriend” theory is a concept that originated on TikTok as a way to describe a particular type of girlfriend (or partner) who embodies the personality traits often associated with a stereotypical black cat.
Liz Hughes, MEd, LPCC
Think yin and yang. These opposites can be complementary and bring out the best in each other. Black cats are typically known as more introverted and mysterious while golden retriever partners are known as extroverted and friendly
— Liz Hughes, MEd, LPCC
For instance, they’re independent, mysterious, slightly aloof, and perhaps a bit intimidating — much like how black cats are often perceived. However, once they earn your trust, they are loyal, protective, and affectionate, much like a black cat with its chosen person.
Understanding the Black Cat and Golden Retriever Metaphor
The trend grew as TikTok users made videos identifying themselves or their partners as “black cat girlfriends”. They would highlight the contrast between this persona and the more outgoing and affectionate “golden retriever boyfriend.”
Liz Hughes, MEd, LPCC, founder and therapist of Mind Body Therapy explains that the black cat and golden retriever metaphor describes a type of relationship where the person in the relationship is each other’s opposite.
“Think yin and yang. These opposites can be complementary and bring out the best in each other. Black cats are typically known as more introverted and mysterious while golden retriever partners are known as extroverted and friendly,” said Hughes.
This can describe both romantic relationships and platonic friendships. For instance, the golden retriever friend is the one who is constantly messaging the group to meet up. The black cat friend is the one who won’t even respond until you show up at their door.
Black Cat Personality Traits
So how did I figure out I was the black cat in my relationship? I self-reflected on how I behave and compared my personality traits to his.
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, clinical psychologist, professor, and writer in New York City explained that the black cat in a relationship tends to:
- Be more introverted
- Be more guarded
- Have a harder exterior shell
- Be slower to trust and warm up to their partner
- Be quieter and more mysterious
- Have a calm demeanor
- Be more intentional and a good listener
- Be perceived as intimidating to others
- Appear elegant or graceful
“Once [black cat girlfriends] get to know their partner, they are able to be more open, talkative, and feel more connected,” explained Dr. Romanoff
Golden Retriever Personality Traits
The characteristics of golden retrievers are the opposite of black cats:
- Extroverted
- Warm
- Outgoing
- Friendly and social
- Ready to commit
- Talkative
- Eager to please
- Trusting
Again, just because the golden retriever type is more outwardly all of these things, it doesn’t mean a black cat type is unfriendly or avoidant. These descriptors are more surface-level generalizations.
Potential Benefits and Challenges of This Dynamic
Dr. Romanoff explained that the person who identifies with the black cat personality tends to find themself in relationships with the golden retriever personality as the polarity of this dyad can allow each partner to lean into their strengths and balance each other out.
“The distinct opposite nature of these two personality styles creates tension in the relationship. This tension fosters excitement through the constant push-and-pull for both connection and retreat that tends to occur in this dynamic,” says Dr. Romanoff.
There are benefits and challenges to this dynamic.
Benefits
Hughes explained that we can benefit from our partners who have strengths different from ours. For instance, the golden retriever may show the black cat the benefits of being more social and the black cat may teach the golden retriever how to hold space for others. This can lead to a strong connection and mutual respect for valuing each other’s differences.
“It can also be nice to be in a relationship with someone who has different traits [from] your own, leading to novelty and satisfaction in the relationship,” explained Hughes.
Challenges
Hughes explained that this dynamic can be challenging if partners cannot compromise well or communicate their needs. Conflict could arise when different levels of socialization are required to feel fueled or differing energy levels to engage with each other.
A recurring theme of our fights is how different my husband and I communicate. He naturally thinks out loud, exploring ideas along the way; I take my time to think through what I want to say. Then I say what I mean and mean what I say. Extroverts tend to speak abstractly whereas introverts talk concretely.
This contrast in our relationship means he will say things he hasn’t fully fleshed out which sometimes doesn’t make sense. But the most challenging aspect is that he’s not mindful of who is around when he’s talking.
I’m responsible for the overwhelming task of planning the kid’s extracurriculars. Every season, I have to get up super early, compete with thousands of other parents to register for the activities, consider everyone’s needs and make it work for our family’s busy schedule. This fall, I was fortunate to lock in two options for our daughter’s skating lessons that worked for him.
I asked him which day he preferred. He debated out loud, complaining about horrible traffic during both times. This upset me because I perceived that he was ungrateful for my efforts. He had the audacity to complain when I do more of the drop-offs and pick-ups than him plus I have to travel across town during rush hour for most of them. Why couldn’t he keep those thoughts in his head or consider who he is speaking to?
How To Navigate the Black Cat Girlfriend and Golden Retriever Relationship
We got into an argument about this and I explained why I was angry. We’ve been together for so long that we immediately recognized the issue. He knew it was about his communication style and how it impacted my emotional needs. I was reminded of why I couldn’t expect him to be like me and that he wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me with his words.
Hughes explained that in any relationship it is important to respect each other’s boundaries but this is especially true in the black cat and golden retriever relationship.
“It’s ok to challenge your partner to try a new approach or think about something in a new way but it is also very important to listen to them when they express moving out of their comfort zone. With that being said, it is also important to communicate your needs clearly in any relationship but especially when partnered with someone who is your opposite,” advised Hughes.
Critiques and Controversies
Dr. Romanoff shared that this relationship dynamic could justify toxic relationship patterns where one partner is dismissive, cold, and rejecting — and the other partner is constantly seeking reassurance, validation, and connection. This dynamic tends to be criticized by people who view it as a hierarchy — where the black cat is the ‘top dog’ and the golden retriever is in the lower position in the relationship.
As with any trend and stereotype, labels never paint the full picture of how relationships work. There are days when my husband prefers to stay home and I want to go out to a party. In certain social situations, I’m more trusting and friendly whereas he’s more guarded and closed up.
Our dynamic is constantly evolving over the 10-plus years we’ve been together. We’ve moved a couple of times, switched careers and had a couple of kids. It’s not healthy to generalize your relationship where each partner’s roles stay static. People change depending on different life experiences; couples that last know how to adapt to each other through thick and thin.
Keep in Mind
The important thing is to keep communication channels open, never assume they know what you are thinking (and what they’re thinking), respect each other’s needs and work on your differences as a team. Oh, and you probably shouldn’t take relationship advice from a 15-second TikTok video.
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4 Types of Trauma and Stressor-Related Disorders
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Trauma and stressor-related disorders are disorders triggered by environmental stressors and trauma. The DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition) considers these disorders to be abnormal responses to traumatic or stressful events.
Many mental disorders are associated with trauma and stress. What makes a disorder trauma and stressor-related are the types of events that may have caused the issue, the specific symptoms you’re dealing with, and the duration of these symptoms.
Many researchers believe that these disorders need further exploration to determine treatment methods, a more expansive research collection, and clearer classifications in the DSM-5. Some researchers suggest revisions to the DSM-5 regarding most stressors and trauma-related disorders.
Types of Trauma and Stressor-Related Disorders
There are many types of trauma and stress-related disorders with different sub-categories, symptoms, and diagnostic criteria. You can explore these disorders below;
Stress Disorders
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is the most recognized trauma and stress-related disorder, and acute stress disorder (ASD) is the temporary version of PTSD.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
PTSD occurs as a result of a traumatic event. It is diagnosed in 5%-10% of the population and is recognized twice as much in women than men. Symptoms must persist for more than a month to be considered PTSD, and individuals must meet various diagnostic criteria, which we’ll explore below.
PTSD vs. ASD
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and acute stress disorder have the same symptoms but different duration in which symptoms persist. PTSD is when these symptoms are chronic, whereas, for ASD, symptoms are present for no more than a month.
To be identified as ASD, symptoms occur within a month of a traumatic event (between 2 days to 4 weeks). Most individuals diagnosed with ASD are eventually diagnosed with PTSD.
DSM-5 Diagnostic Criteria
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Diagnostic criteria for PTSD pertain to those six years or older. There are multiple clusters and symptom specifications for PTSD.
- The individual was exposed to a life-threatening event, caused serious injury, and involved some form of sexual violence or some other form of trauma. Whether experienced directly, witnessed, learned about by a loved one, or one was repeatedly exposed to explicit details of the event.
- Having encountered one or more of the following intrusive symptoms that began after the experience of the traumatic event(s); Recurring distressing memories, recurring distressing dreams, “dissociative reactions (e.g., flashbacks), intense psychological distress when exposed to stimuli that resemble the event(s). physiological reaction when exposed to stimuli that resemble the event(s), or avoidance of stimuli related to the event(s).
- The traumatic event(s) have a negative impact on the individual’s cognition and mood.
- Apparent changes in arousal and reactivity in response to stimuli related to the event(s). This can be displayed in two or more of the following behaviors; angry or irritable behavioral outbursts, “reckless or self-destructive behavior”, hyperventilation, or “exaggerated startle response”. Trouble concentrating or sleep disturbance.
- Symptoms have been present for over a month.
- Symptoms are not associated with another disorder or a response to a substance, like medication or alcohol.
Acute Stress Disorder
ASD has the same criteria as PTSD, except for the duration of symptoms and a few other minor differences, such as types of dissociative reactions.
PTSD dissociative subtype requires an individual to have experiences of derealization (feeling detached from self, like an outside viewer) or depersonalization (feeling detached from surroundings, as if in a dreamlike state). A person can meet criteria for PTSD without this specifier.
As for ASD, an individual must meet at least three dissociative reactions. Derealization and depersonalization are included in the list, along with; feeling numb, having a “reduced awareness of one’s surroundings”, and experiencing “dissociative amnesia”.
Adjustment Disorders
Research on adjustment disorders (AD) is expanding, but there is currently limited information about how to manage AD. It is typically characterized by mild depressive symptoms, anxiety, traumatic stress symptoms or a combination of these. Many individuals develop other mental health disorders along with adjustment disorder.
AD most often occurs during a period of time when the stressor of the trauma is present but subsides when that stressor is removed. These disorders are suspected of subsiding naturally once an individual adjusts to the traumatic event. However, stressors can remain in someone’s life for a long time.
Adjustment disorders can also be the outcome of a significant life stressor or significant change in a person’s life.
One research study found that 36% of adult and 59% of adolescent participants experienced the stressor of their trauma for over a year. A follow-up assessment was conducted five years later, and most of the adult participants recovered in the past five years.
The study’s adults (70%) improved more than adolescents (45%). Most of the other participants were diagnosed with other mental health disorders besides AD. There is also a correlation between having AD as a child or adolescent and developing other mental disorders as an adult.
DSM-5 Diagnostic Criteria
AD has six diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5:
- Emotional and behavioral issues develop as a reaction to the stressor(s) during a three-month period of the onset of the stressors.
- Behaviors or symptoms are visible to the clinician in one and/or two of the following ways; The individual’s displayed distress is more intense than expected for the stressor. The individual experiences “significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning,” according to the DSM.
- Behaviors and symptoms do not “meet criteria for other mental disorders” and also aren’t an extension of a pre-existing disorder.
- Symptoms aren’t a result of standard grievance.
- Once the stressor(s) is removed from the individual’s life, symptoms subside within six months.
- The disorder can be classified as either acute, in which symptoms occur no longer than months, or chronic, meaning symptoms are present for six months or longer.
Dissociative Disorders
According to the DSM-5, dissociation is a disconnect from ‘‘usually integrated functions of consciousness, memory, identity, or perception.” With dissociative behavior, you may experience some form of detachment from yourself, others, your surroundings, or your perspective of reality. Research has shown that dissociation also impacts “thinking, emotions, sensorimotor functioning, and/or behavior”.
DDs can be diagnostic criteria for other disorders like PTSD and ASD. Symptoms of DDs are also associated with mood disorders, personality disorders, and substance abuse.
DSM-5 Diagnostic Criteria
To meet the DSM-5’s criteria for a DD, one must experience the following dissociative symptoms;
- “Unbidden and unpleasant intrusions into awareness and behavior, with accompanying losses of continuity in subjective experience.”
- “An inability to access information or control mental functions that are normally readily available to access or control.”
Attachment Disorders
Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED) have recently been acknowledged in the DSM-5 as two separate subtypes of attachment disorders classified as stress and trauma-related disorders.
Children are usually diagnosed with one of these disorders when behavioral problems are present. Those with either disorder have most likely experienced some form of childhood trauma and a history of abuse with a caregiver.
A journal study found that 12-year-old children in institutional settings in early childhood displayed more symptoms of RAD and DSED than those who were placed and foster care. The group of children who were not institutionalized at all had even fewer signs of these attachment disorders.
Reactive Attachment Disorder
Reactive attachment disorder is a trauma- and stressor-related condition of early childhood caused by social neglect and maltreatment. Trauma leading to RAD often stems from neglect attributed to “institutional settings, such as overcrowded orphanages, foster care, or in homes with mentally or physically ill parents.”
Evidence of RAD is often present before the age of 5. Children with RAD often find it difficult to form healthy relationships, exhibit unpredictable behaviors, and often react in a fight, flight or freeze response.
RAD vs. DSED
Both RAD and DSED are associated with being emotionally and socially withdrawn. However, RAD is more associated with being emotionally withdrawn because of the lack of attachment related to inhibited behavior. Individuals are inhibited from forming emotional attachments.
Whereas those with DSED, who are socially withdrawn, engage in disinhibited behaviors. They find it difficult to produce social connections.
DSM-5 Diagnostic Criteria
Although RAD and DSED have been identified as different forms of attachment, they have similar criteria and symptoms such as;
- Emotionally withdrawn (more so in RAD)
- Socially withdrawn (more so in DSED)
- Abnormal reactions to normative stress
- Has a history of insufficient care and/or neglect
- Cannot meet criteria for autism spectrum disorder (ASD)
- Symptoms must occur before the age of 5
Treatment
Although much research has developed on PTSD throughout the years, there is little research on managing most trauma and stressor-related disorders.
Some research considers recovery time a treatment method for certain trauma and stressor-related disorders, like AD. “Treatment generally involves recovering and working through ostensibly repressed or dissociated memories of trauma”.
It is expected for recovery to occur for those experiencing AD once the stressor is removed from an individual’s life. However, the assumption that symptoms of these disorders will resolve over time is not a definitive or clear treatment method.
Psychotherapy and counseling may be considered for those diagnosed with AD.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has shown to be an effective treatment method for trauma and stressor-related disorders. An article conducted a systematic review of the impact of CBT on these symptoms. After reviewing a collection of 84 studies, researchers discovered that 65.9% found a dramatic reduction in symptoms.
Other forms of talk therapy, support groups, and psychiatric medication have been used in treating PTSD. Recently, other treatments like cognitive-processing therapy, prolonged exposure therapy, and EMDR have also been explored for PTSD, but more research is needed.
Prevention
It is believed that prevention of such disorders can be established by addressing trauma and stressors before they trigger symptoms. Research on prevention strategies for stress-related disorders has taken several avenues, including intervention before and after trauma and using both psychosocial and somatic approaches.
Research in resilience—the ability to adapt in the face of adversity—has also been explored as a preventive measure for post-traumatic stress disorder and other mental illnesses.
There is no surefire way to prevent trauma, however, given that many of the events that may cause it occur without warning. In many cases, the best we can do is act fast to ensure the inciting event does not have long-lasting consequences for our mental health.
Final Thoughts
If you believe your child or yourself may have a trauma and stressor-related disorder, it would be beneficial to contact a mental health professional to gain further insight into these disorders. Speaking with a psychologist or psychiatrist can provide you with an accurate diagnosis and potential treatment methods.
It can be difficult adjusting to stressors, so identifying traumas and stressors in your life is important to practice preventive measures.
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