Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

We’ve all had that moment in a relationship where it hits us: Wait, I’ve been here before... That sinking feeling of déjà vu, realizing you’re caught in the same relationship pattern—just with a different person. 

It’s not like we intentionally repeat these choices; instead, it’s more about how we unknowingly perpetuate deeply ingrained relationship habits that pull us back into the same cycles. 

As a relationship coach, I help people rewire the habits that quietly sabotage their chance of finding love. For everyone who puts in the work, I’ve seen that change is possible. And better yet, growth is inevitable with the right tools, self-awareness, and dedication.

Here are a few of my tried-and-true tips to help you kick those “bad” relationship habits that are getting in the way of healthy connections. You can have the relationships you want, and I’m here to guide you to do just that. 

Foster Self-Awareness

“Bad” or unhelpful relationship habits often originate from beliefs and unresolved issues rooted in childhood. These experiences form the subconscious programming you tell yourself today, making it easy to see yourself through a fixed lens. Instead of getting stuck in that loop, try approaching your narrative with curiosity. By doing so, you open yourself to new perspectives and detach from your behaviors to see them as patterns–not personal flaws–to uncover meaningful insights. 

For example, let’s say you’re typically drawn to partners who require constant support. Your usual story may focus on being a kind person, while the expanded interpretation highlights the deeper dynamic, perhaps the image of identifying as the “good” person. Letting go of the story frees you from seeking validation from the wrong people, allowing you to connect with the part of you that craves a balanced relationship where you aren’t always caretaking. 

Through gentle self-discovery, you can kick the habits that no longer work for the person you are today. As you make the subconscious conscious, you can now shift these patterns away from permanent parts of your identity into behaviors that can be reshaped with greater awareness. 

Lead With Regulated Emotions 

Emotions provide the texture of our lives and provide essential context to what’s happening. Research indicates emotional regulation encourages mental health-promoting behaviors. In my work with relationship coaching, a big theme is helping clients learn how to regulate their emotions so they can express insecurities, hurt, pain, anger, and sadness without sweeping them under the rug. 

When you’re in a dysregulated emotional state, unhealthy habits surface, if you do it enough, these habits become automatic. Some of these habits include dissociating, people-pleasing, avoiding vulnerability, suppressing needs, and wearing a mask to deny who you are. While these behaviors provide temporary comfort, it also creates a barrier to genuine connection. Over time, you may ignore red flags and attract people who have similar blocked emotional states.

But when you’re grounded and emotionally regulated, you’re able to make better relationship habits. You find the courage to speak the difficult yet essential truth and communicate directly. To start, practice being with your emotions as they come up. Notice where they’re located in your body, and take the time to breathe and sit with them. This embodied act fosters emotional resilience, leading you to deeper intimacy with yourself and others.

Incorporate Compassion Into Your Self-Care 

I believe compassion is one of the most transformative values you can nurture. When you’re in the midst of updating your self-concept, you’re peeling back layers of who you once were. It can be cringy, painful, and downright shameful to look at old behaviors. Oof, I can’t believe I did that. I really hurt that person. I didn’t respect myself back then. I wonder if people have judged me for my past actions when I didn’t know better. 

It’s easy to beat yourself up. Please don’t. Studies show that self-compassion has consistently been linked to positive outcomes for mental health and well-being. Compassion is the secret ingredient that makes this level of growth feel worthwhile. Compassion lovingly meets you where you are at. Compassion has the capacity to extend forgiveness to all versions of yourself. Compassion recognizes your intrinsic worth beyond actions and past experiences. Compassion enables you to pick yourself back up and keep going. Compassion understands.

By seeing yourself with grace, you create an internal safe space where you can grow. You can love your shadow and feel unconditional love, When you have your own back, you’ll feel braver to take the risk to do the more scary, vulnerable action that’ll yield healthier outcomes in the most magical ways.

Take Change One Step At A Time

We’ve all been sold the myth of instant transformation. We set massive resolutions for New Year’s to invent ourselves magically at midnight. We glamorize life-changing makeovers in the space of a one-hour TV show. It’s a cute fantasy, but this type of evolution is not sustainable because it neglects the human, nonlinear reality of how change actually looks. 

True change happens slowly, through a process called titration. Titration speaks to the psychological concept of taking things one step at a time, working at the pace of your nervous system. When you take the space to pause and reflect you can make the big changes you’re looking for. 

Let me get into the arena and share how I’ve applied this approach in my personal life. I have a very unhealthy relationship habit of taking responsibility for other people’s feelings when they’re upset. A lot of this comes from being made to feel like things were my fault when I was growing up. It’s been a slow (and still ongoing) process, but I’m learning to: 

• Pause and check in with my body when I notice discomfort or tension
• Identify and sit with uncomfortable emotions instead of pushing them aside via distraction
• Slow down to not assume responsibility, and notice when I’m people-pleasing
• Express my feelings about what’s going on even when it feels vulnerable or awkward 
• Trust others to share their perspective without assuming how they feel
• Trust others to be able to handle their own emotions
• Give myself permission to do what feels manageable at the moment
• Honor my boundaries by recognizing when I’ve reached my limit and allowing time for recovery

Sure, I don’t always get it right. But I don’t need to land every action perfectly anymore. Being OK with making mistakes is growth! I’ve found satisfaction in taking on radical ownership to install the guardrails needed to walk the higher path. Being focused on self-acceptance versus self-improvement has made all of the difference.

Keep in Mind

Psychotherapist Carl Jung once said, “Until you make the conscious unconscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

The changes you’re ready to make today are exactly what you need right now–and that’s enough. You don’t have to push for more or rush the process when you kick these habits. Pick one relationship habit to work on today. Give that behavior the space and gentleness you need to rewrite that particular groove. Maybe it’s not assuming the worst when your date doesn’t text you back right away, or standing up for a boundary with your partner.

Eventually, the changes will add up and you’ll find yourself with an entirely different set of habits that support healthier relationships.

Have you ever felt extremely angry and irritated out of nowhere, only to realize you hadn’t eaten in hours? That sudden wave of irritability when hunger strikes is what we’ve come to call “hanger.” 

Hangry is a term that refers to feeling irrationally angry, irritable, or moody because you’re hungry. And it isn’t just an excuse to snap at your partner over something trivial—research shows it’s a real thing.

Hanger is pretty common, says Noah Kass, DSW, LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist based in New York. “Stay away from food, and it becomes difficult to manage emotions and make rational decisions,” he says.

But why is hanger so powerful? Why does skipping a meal sometimes turn us into someone we barely recognize?

The Science Behind Hanger

As someone who’s been guilty of turning into a moody monster when my stomach growls, I always assumed it’s because my brain is panicking without food—that it’s going into “flight or fight” mode because it assumes I’m starving.

Turns out it’s a little more complicated than that. 

Peter Brukner, OAM, MBBS, FACSP, FACSM, FASMF, FFSEM,  a nutritionist and dietitian, explains that your brain needs glucose to function correctly. “If you do not eat for some time, your blood sugar goes down and your brain doesn’t have enough energy,” Dr. Brukner says. “This makes it difficult for you to think clearly, and it can change your mood.”  

Hunger impacts the delicate balance of glucose, hormones, and brain activity that keeps us feeling steady and calm.

When your blood sugar drops, your brain doesn’t get the energy it needs to function at its best. This lack of fuel leads to irritability, poor concentration, and impulsive behavior. In essence, your brain goes into survival mode, prioritizing the search for food over everything else.

Neuroscientist Camilla Nord, PhD shares another perspective. Dr. Nord writes about hanger—among other topics—in her book, The Balanced Brain: The Science of Mental Health. “I think of hanger not as hunger triggering a mood change, but as the brain’s (mis)interpretation of its internal state,” says Dr. Nord, who leads the Mental Health Neuroscience Lab at the University of Cambridge. 

Dr. Nord says that the brain constantly monitors the internal state of the body, a process called interoception, to help us survive. Interoception doesn’t just monitor the body for signs of hunger or illness, but for emotions.

She gives the example of a brain region called the insula, which detects whether or not you’re hungry and whether or not you’re angry.

“A big change in an aspect of your physiology—including not having enough oxygen, or in the case of hunger, food—is often experienced as an emotional change because it is a deviation from your homeostatic set-point,” Dr. Nord explains.   

In other words, when your brain detects that you don’t have enough food, it may confuse it for an emotion. 

Hormonal Responses to Hunger 

When blood sugar drops, your body releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline to mobilize stored energy. While these hormones help you stay alert, they can also make you feel edgy and reactive.

When you’re hungry, your brain also produces a chemical called neuropeptide Y—a chemical that makes you feel more hungry. Dr. Brukner says that neuropeptide Y is also associated with aggression and anxiety, two hallmarks of hanger.

“These hormones try to help bring blood sugar back to normal, but they also start a ‘fight or flight’ response,” Dr. Brukner explains. “Because of this, you feel more nervous and on edge.”

These hormonal shifts are why being hungry can feel more like a crisis than a mild inconvenience.  

Psychological and Behavioral Effects

The brain relies heavily on glucose as its primary energy source. When glucose levels plummet, your brain struggles to function properly, leading to noticeable changes in mood and behavior.

Some common effects of hunger on your mental state include:

• Irritability: With less glucose available, the brain’s self-control center becomes less effective, making it harder to regulate emotions.
• Impatience: When you’re hungry, you may have less of a tolerance for delays or obstacles, making you more likely to snap at others.
• Impulsivity: Hunger can affect impulse control, and not just when it comes to food: One study found that hungry people are more likely to buy unnecessary nonfood items, too.
• Difficulty concentrating: Hunger can make it challenging to focus on tasks as your brain becomes fixated on finding food.

“If you experience anxiety, depression, or any mood disorders, hunger can worsen existing symptoms such as anger, fatigue, and mood swings,” says Dr. Kass. 

When you’re hangry, your emotional centers tend to take over, while your logical thinking takes a backseat. This can lead to overreacting in situations you’d typically handle calmly. 

Social Implications of Hanger

Hanger doesn’t just affect you—it can strain your relationships as well. 

A 2014 study, which involved 107 married couples, found that people with low blood glucose were more likely to stick more pins in a voodoo doll that represented their spouse.

It may seem like an odd way to measure aggression, but those who have been hangry might likely relate. When hunger-induced irritability takes over, you might find yourself snapping at loved ones, misinterpreting neutral comments, or overreacting to minor issues.

Dr. Kass says this is common. “When you are hungry, you often interpret other people’s words as challenging. You may misinterpret what they are saying, become defensive, and lash out,” he says. “This is because hunger shifts the focus to survival. You prioritize your immediate needs over cooperation or empathy for others.”

How to Manage Hanger

The good news? Hanger is entirely manageable. By making small changes to your routine, you can prevent hunger from taking over your mood and interactions.

Preventing Hanger

The best way to avoid hanger is to avoid hunger. This can be surprisingly tricky to do, especially if you have a busy lifestyle or if you’re consciously trying to cut back on calories.

Here are a few tips for keeping hunger at bay: 

• Maintain regular mealtimes. If you tend to forget to eat, try to set alarms for around the same time every day.
• Eat balanced meals. Dr. Brukner suggests a mix of healthy fats, protein, and slow-digesting carbs. 
• Get enough fiber. Fiber can help you feel fuller for longer. 
• Carry snacks. Dr. Brukner recommends nuts, a boiled egg, yogurt and fruit, or a slice of cheese with some vegetable sticks.  
• Stay hydrated. Thirst can also affect your mood, Dr. Brukner says, so drink water throughout the day—not just when you feel thirsty.

How To Cope When You’re Hangry

It’s not always possible to avoid hunger altogether. If you’re already hungry, and you start to feel that irritability creeping in, consider trying these strategies:

• Practice mindfulness. Take a moment to breathe. “Remind yourself hunger symptoms are temporary and relief will come once you eat,” Dr. Kass suggests. “Speak kindly to yourself, practice deep breathing, meditation and visualization techniques.”
• Communicate. If you’re with others, let them know you’re feeling hungry. A simple “I’m really hungry right now, so I might be a little short” can help prevent misunderstandings.
• Consider your timing. Now may not be the best time to confront your co-worker about a sensitive topic, or bring up a contentious issue with your housemate. Rather, put a pin in that conversation and bring it up when you’re (both) feeling sated.
• Avoid quick fixes. When you do finally eat, try to avoid those tempting sugary snacks. Too much sugar may lead to a spike-and-crash effect, says Dr. Brukner. This can leave you feeling worse later.

Long-Term Strategies for Avoiding Hanger

If you’re prone to feeling hangry, paying attention to your feelings and hunger cues can go a long  way.

Dr. Nord recommends learning to identify the difference between feeling hungry and feeling irritable or angry. “If someone is very good at telling the difference between hunger and negative emotions, they are less likely to experience hanger,” she notes.

Simply bringing awareness to hanger can help you feel better, Dr. Nord says.  “When you realize it is hunger, not true anger, the emotional features tend to dampen or go away,” she explains.  Journaling or using a mood tracker can be helpful for cultivating this awareness.

I think this is why so many people like the term “hanger.” These neologisms aren’t just amusing: they tell us that we’re not alone in our experiences. By adding hanger to my vocab, I feel better able to identify what’s going on in my body—which, in itself, can be quite a relief. 

Of course, not all irritability comes from hunger. If you’re feeling particularly on edge, but hunger isn’t the cause, consider other factors like stress or lack of sleep.

Next time you feel hanger creeping in, remember: your brain can’t run on empty. A small snack could be all it takes to get back to feeling like yourself.