When Should You Ask Where the Relationship Is Going?

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Bringing up difficult or prickly subjects in relationships can be challenging. Real talk: I’ve been married for 23 years and I still dread these types of conversations!

If you are in a relationship and are looking for clarity about where it’s going, you are not alone. You are probably filled with lots of emotions and concerns. You might be wondering if it’s the right time to have this conversation, and whether bringing up this question is going to scare the other person away. You might also think that maybe a conversation like this is pointless (if it’s meant to be it’ll just be, right?) but it definitely isn’t.

“There’s this misconception that if the relationship is ‘right,’ then both partners will just ‘know,’ which isn’t always the case,” says Courtney Sonntag, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist at Front Porch Therapy.

That’s why it’s vital to address this topic head-on. “People process their commitments at different places, so it’s important to have intentional conversations about this,” Sonntag emphasizes.

We understand how difficult these conversations can be, which is why we’ve put together a guide for folks who are ready to take the first step.

Read on for some honest, relatable, and reassuring tips for how to navigate the “where is this relationship going” conversation that no one wants to have (but should!).

Understanding the Right Timing

First of all, even if you are feeling like it’s probably time to have the “where is our relationship going” talk, it’s likely that you also feel some serious trepidation about going to that place.

Common Fears

Feeling nervous is super common, says Sonntag. In fact, anxiety about having this conversation is something that comes up frequently in Sonntag’s therapy practice. “What I have heard most as a therapist is, ‘What if I don’t get the answer I want from them?’” Sonntag shares. “And my response to that is usually, ‘Well, then at least we have an answer.’”

Another common fear is that you will bring up this topic too early and end up freaking the other person out or scaring them completely away, says Easton Gaines, PsyD, a holistic, clinical psychologist in New York, NY. But this is rarely the case, she assures, and if that ends up happening, it might be a sign that this relationship isn’t for you.

Courtney Sonntag, LMFT

What I have heard most as a therapist is, ‘What if I don’t get the answer I want from them?’ And my response to that is usually, ‘Well, then at least we have an answer.’

— Courtney Sonntag, LMFT

“Relationships aren’t built on guessing games—they thrive on clarity and mutual understanding,” Dr. Gaines says.

Signs It Might Be Time to Have The Conversation

So how might you know it’s time to have this conversation?

One obvious sign that it’s time to broach this subject is if you have a general feeling of uncertainty about the relationship and where it’s headed. “The right time is typically when uncertainty outweighs clarity—when you find yourself wondering about where things stand or making decisions (big or small) that would be influenced by the answer,” Dr. Gaines says.

You may also be seeking more clarity about what your partner wants in the relationship and whether you and your partner’s needs align, Sonntag shares. “There could also be indicators, such as inconsistencies in effort, expectations, or commitment levels, that drive this conversation,” she adds.

Preparing for the Conversation

The best way to prepare for this conversation is to take some time to manage your expectations, Sonntag says. “If you’re going into a talk expecting a specific answer, emotional or verbal, disappointment is bound to happen,” she warns.

Additionally, being very clear about your own wants, needs, and goals is of utmost importance. This means having some clarity about those “big life questions” like marriage, children, lifestyle, jobs, where you want to live, and more. “That way, no matter what the other person says, you’re clear on what you want for yourself and your life,” Sonntag describes.

It can also be helpful to ask yourself some clarifying questions. Prior to the conversation, Dr. Gaines suggests asking yourself questions such as:

Questions to Ask Yourself

  • What do I want in this relationship? Am I looking for exclusivity? Long-term commitment? Or just clarity?
  • What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of rejection, or hearing an answer I don’t like?
  • What would I accept? If my partner’s vision of the relationship doesn’t match mine, am I willing to compromise, or is there a non-negotiable for me?

How to Approach the Conversation

Okay, so now it’s time for the big convo. How best to approach it? Gaines shared some Dos and Don’t for approaching the conversation.

Dos

  • Approach the conversation with curiosity, but not pressure, Dr. Gaines suggests. Consider saying: “I’ve been thinking about where we’re headed. What are your thoughts?” instead of “We need to define this now.”
  • Listen actively. This means that you keep in mind that this conversation isn’t just about expressing your feelings and needs, but understanding the other person’s perspective too, Dr. Gaines emphasizes.
  • Use “I” statement whenever possible, as doing so gives you agency and responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. Saying something like, ““I value clarity and want to understand where we stand” is much better than “You never tell me how you feel,” Dr. Gaines suggests.

Don’ts

  • Unless you are truly ready to follow through, don’t use ultimatums. Saying something like “If you don’t commit now, I’m leaving” forces compliance, rather than authentic connection, shares Dr. Gaines.
  • Never assume you know your partner’s answer before they say it. “Confirmation bias can make you interpret what you expect rather than hear what’s said,” explains Dr. Gaines.
  • We know it’s hard, but if you can, try not to overcomplicate things. As Dr. Gaines emphasizes, this is a conversation, not a performance.

Possible Outcomes and How to Handle Them

There are several different ways that the conversation can go, and it’s good to be prepared for all possible outcomes.

There are basically three main ways the conversation can go, according to Dr. Gaines:

1. You’re on the same page. Yay! This clarity can bring extra security and direction to the relationships.

2. You and your partner have different expectations and goals for the relationship. “This is where self-awareness matters,” Dr. Gaines suggests. “Can you meet in the middle, or does this signal incompatibility?”

3. Your partner avoids giving a clear answer. Remember, though, that ambiguity actually is a kind of answer, Dr. Gaines reminds. “If someone resists defining the relationship indefinitely, it may be worth questioning if your values and goals are aligned,” she says.

Whatever happens, it’s important to give yourself the time and space to process how you are feeling—whatever those feelings may be. “Processing the outcome means giving yourself permission to feel—whether that’s relief, excitement, or disappointment,” Dr. Gaines says.

Maintaining Self-Respect and Boundaries

Probably the most challenging outcome of the “where is the relationship going” conversation is if you and your partner land on completely separate pages. This can definitely hurt, says Sonntag. But it can be reframed as an opportunity to define and crystalize what you want in a relationship.

It can also save you some time and preserve your self-respect. If you and your partner’s goals don’t align, Sonntag suggests asking yourself questions like: “Would I rather hurt for a month (ending the relationship) or would I rather hurt for a year (prolonging the relationship and hoping it changes)?”

For many of us, respecting our own needs and boundaries means not waiting for the other person to get on the same page with us, especially if they make it clear there is no hope for that. “Easier said than done, but don’t settle out of fear of ‘losing’ this person,” Sonntag suggests. “You are allowed to walk away if/when needed.”

Finally, remember even if the conversation got dicey or felt challenging at times, you did it. You showed up for yourself, your feelings, and the future of your relationship. This will be an asset to you, either in this relationship, or in future relationships.

“The best relationships aren’t built on guessing games but on a shared understanding, mutual commitment, and a willingness to talk about the things that matter,” Dr. Gaines underscores.

The Bottom Line

The good news is, not every one of these conversations will end with the dissolution of the relationship. Of course, there’s also the possibility that there will be a wedding in the works!

But more often than not, what happens next is that there are some decisions to be made, challenging thoughts and feelings to parse through, and some difficult emotions to sit with. Often, this conversation can be the spark that ignites growth in the relationship and an opportunity for you and your partner to form a deeper bond.

Seeking a strong support system—and considering meeting with a therapist—can help you work through any of these scenarios. You are not meant to navigate these difficult moments on your own. Help is out there for both you and your partner.


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What to Know About Bodily Kinesthetic Intelligence

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Body-kinesthetic intelligence is how we understand our bodies to move in space. Part of Harvard psychologist Howard Gardner’s Multiple Intelligence Theory, kinesthetic intelligence can help people of all ages understand their knowledge of their own bodies.

This can be particularly important for disabled people, including those who have strokes and those who are looking to maintain their quality of life as they age. Historically, Garner’s theory of multiple intelligences has been used to frame the teaching of children, although this has come under significant scrutiny. The types of intelligence posited in Gardner’s theory are:

  1. Visual-spatial
  2. Linguistic-verbal
  3. Logical-mathematical
  4. Bodily-kinesthetic
  5. Musical
  6. Interpersonal
  7. Intrapersonal
  8. Naturalistic

In this article, we’ll look at the examples of kinesthetic intelligence, how you develop it, and what activities you can do to add to it. 

Characteristics and Definition

Gardner himself defines kinesthetic or body intelligence as, “[The] Abilities to control one’s body movements and to handle objects skillfully.” He gives the example of a dancer or an athlete. Adam King, PhD, an associate professor at Texas Christian University, has a similar definition.

“It’s the ability to manipulate objects and perform physical skills by using our sensory inputs to understand where our body is, relative to itself and within the environment.”

King, who teaches in the university’s Harris College of Nursing & Health Sciences, says that it’s an important concept for his students to know as they transition into their careers and help support people in maintaining core motor function, like balance.

“When we start thinking about how our students are going to use that [knowledge] when they go into a physical therapy or occupational therapy clinic and being able to help individuals produce those physical activities or those motors feels, it plays a vital role in how that happens within those environments.”

One example Gardner gives of body-kinesthetic intelligence is of a surgeon who needs to be able to use their fine motor skills to achieve certain work tasks. In measuring body-kinesthetic intelligence, researchers have looked at a variety of indicators including body control, sensitivity to rhythm, expressiveness, the ability to come up with ideas related to movement, and the ability to manipulate objects.

Kinesthetic-body intelligence has also been studied through the lens of the creative arts, including dance.

King says that understanding this form of knowledge can help inform how medical providers can support further motor development. He gives the example of a child with a cochlear implant, a common medical devices used by some people with hearing loss. 

“When you have conditions where part of those sensory systems are impaired, or gives inaccurate information, the body has to be able to compensate and perform the task. So, children with cochlear implants don’t fall down all the time, they are still able to be active and perform tasks, they do it in different way,” King says.

How to Stimulate Kinesthetic-Body Intelligence

Which activities will help support your knowledge of your own body’s movement in space can differ widely. For kids, King says that there are a broad range of activities that can be useful.

“It can be engagement in typical physical education classrooms, it can be activities around doing different types of balance, where they might be walking on a balance beam, or using a wobble or unstable surface and practicing how to be able to keep themselves steady in that situation. Any gymnastic movements, that they might be able to work on rotations and changing their vertical position and how the vestibular system might be activating. I think those would be the list to target.”

Researchers have also used a variety of environments to teach kinesthetic intelligence. Academics from the University of British Columbia used dance to help support conflict resolution training, it has long been a key part of the Montessori school curriculum, and some researchers have pointed to school-yard games, like the creation of an obstacle course, is a natural way to develop kinesthetic intelligence. 

For older adults, particularly those with neurodegenerative conditions like Parkinson’s, King says the focus is on activities similar to those they would be doing in every day, life like reaching and stepping.

“Those tasks really mimic a lot of functional activities that those individuals do, such as moving around in the kitchen and grabbing objects from the cabinets, or unloading groceries and all those kinds of activities that help them maintain their independence.”

King’s research also included an exercise routine that integrated non-contact boxing.

Conclusion

Whether or not Gardner’s Multiple Intelligence Theory, which kinesthetic-body intelligence is a core part of, is a framework that you like to use to know your body better, your ability to know how your body moves is a key life skill.

As you age, finding activities that help keep your body moving can help you maintain your quality of life. This can be particularly important for those with disabilities who already face accessibility barriers to physical activity.

John Loeppky, writer

By John Loeppky

John Loeppky is a freelance journalist based in Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada, who has written about disability and health for outlets of all kinds.


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