10 Kinks and Turn-Ons You Shouldn’t Be Ashamed of

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


At some point, we’ve all been there—feeling awkward or even embarrassed about what turns us on. Maybe it’s a kink you’ve never voiced out loud, a position you love but feel self-conscious about, or the fear that your solo habits might be “too much.” 

Sexual shame is everywhere, but that doesn’t mean it should be.

Despite progress in conversations around sex positivity, many people still struggle with shame, especially when it comes to kink, masturbation, or simply communicating what they want in bed. 

But let’s be clear: As long as your desires are consensual and harm no one, there’s zero reason to feel ashamed.

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to pleasure. If it’s consensual and doesn’t harm anyone, there’s no reason to feel embarrassed. 

There are an infinite number of kinks, turn-ons, and sexual preferences — certainly too many to list here. But here are a few broad categories that your desires might fall into. 

Role-Playing

Ever fantasized about pretending to be someone else in bed? Role-playing is a common kink that allows people to explore different personas, power dynamics, or even fantasies they wouldn’t typically experience in real life. 

Whether you’re into teacher-student scenarios, boss-employee power plays, or just pretending to be strangers meeting for the first time, role-playing is a completely valid way to explore desire.

BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, Masochism)

BDSM is one of the most misunderstood kinks, but it’s also one of the most popular. Many people associate it with extremes, but in reality, BDSM is about trust, communication, and mutual consent. 

Some people enjoy the thrill of surrendering control, while others love taking charge in the bedroom. If consensual impact-play, restraints, or dominance/submission dynamics turn you on, there’s no reason to feel ashamed.

Dirty Talk

Talking dirty can make some people feel self-conscious, but it’s a fantastic way to enhance intimacy and arousal. Whether it’s giving commands, whispering fantasies, or vocalizing what you want, dirty talk is a completely normal (and often thrilling) part of sex.

Exhibitionism and Voyeurism

Some people get turned on by the idea of being watched during intimacy, while others enjoy the thrill of watching. Exhibitionism and voyeurism don’t necessarily mean public sex—many couples enjoy incorporating these elements in a private, consensual setting, like recording themselves or role-playing scenarios.

Masturbation and Mutual Masturbation

Despite overwhelming evidence that masturbation is healthy, normal, and beneficial, some people still feel guilty about it. Exploring your own body helps you understand what you like, which can make partnered sex even better.

Mutual masturbation (where partners pleasure themselves in front of each other) can also be a deeply intimate experience.

Anal Play

There’s a persistent stigma around anal play, particularly for men, but let’s set the record straight: Enjoying anal stimulation has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. The area is rich in nerve endings, making it highly pleasurable for many people. Whether it’s fingers, toys, or penetration, anal play is just another way to experience pleasure.

Fetishes for Specific Body Parts  

We all have body parts that we might prefer over others. But, while it’s normalized to like breasts, bums, or lips, fetishes for other body parts are often considered weird. 

Think about it: Foot fetishes are almost a punchline nowadays. But again, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with liking feet—whether you enjoy having yours touched, want to touch others’ feet, or both! 

Other body parts that are common fetishes include armpits, ears, noses, knees… basically, anything!

Praise and Degradation Kinks

Some people get turned on by hearing praise (“You’re such a good girl”), while others enjoy degradation kinks (“You’re such a bad little thing”). Sometimes, degradation kinks might include name-calling, spitting, “punishments” like spanking, and more. 

As long as it’s consensual and makes both partners feel good, there’s nothing wrong with incorporating praise or degradation into your sex life. 

Non-Penetrative Sex

Not all sex needs to include penetration! Some people prefer outercourse—like dry humping, grinding, or sensation play. These activities can be just as satisfying as traditional intercourse and shouldn’t be dismissed as “less than” penis-in-vagina sex.

Fantasy Exploration

Maybe you have a thing for threesomes, cuckolding, or unusual sexual settings. As long as your fantasies are consensual, there’s nothing wrong with them—even if they stay in the realm of fantasy.

The key is consent and communication. What works for you and your partner is what matters—not societal norms or what anyone else thinks. 

What Is Kink Shaming?

Kink shaming happens when someone ridicules, criticizes, or judges another person’s consensual sexual preferences. This can range from dismissive comments to outright insults about someone’s desires, whether it’s a love for roleplay, interest in BDSM, or a preference for non-mainstream sexual activities.

Why Does Kink Shaming Happen?

Often, it stems from misinformation, fear of the unknown, or societal taboos surrounding sexuality. Unfortunately, this can lead people to hide their desires or feel that their preferences make them “weird” or “broken.”

“Most people grow up with a limited or lack of knowledge of what sex can be,” says Bonnie Scott, MA, LPC-S, an author and kink-positive therapist. “When they want something that’s not ‘mainstream,’ they might wonder if something is wrong or too different about their sexual desires.”

When they want something that’s not ‘mainstream,’ they might wonder if something is wrong or too different about their sexual desires.

—
BONNIE SCOTT, MA, LPC-S

Additionally, Scott says, there are a lot of myths and misconceptions around kink. For example, many people think acting on kinks can be unhealthy, unsafe, or harmful. Another stereotype is that kinks always come from a place of trauma—which may be true for some people in some situations, but it’s not always the case.

“Between porn and media depictions of kink, we get a pretty limited view of what kink can be.  It’s hard for people to believe that kink can be playful and exploratory because that’s not the typical depiction we see,” Scott explains. 

Joli Hamilton, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex educator, says that purity culture can also play a role in our feelings about kink and fantasy. Purity culture is the societal belief that your sexual “purity” determines your worth. 

The Mental Health Effects of Kink Shaming

Healthy sexual expression can have positive effects on your mental well-being.

And the inverse is true—sexual shame, including shame around kinks, can lead to feelings of guilt and anxiety. 

Shame can make it harder to communicate with your partner about your desires, especially if you worry they might judge your tastes. Not only can this put strain on your relationship and breed resentment toward your partner, it can also lead to sexual dissatisfaction— if we avoid exploring our desires, we might feel less fulfilled.  

And when we repress ourselves sexually, we might reinforce our sense of shame around it, Scott says. “If we avoid our curiosity, if we don’t communicate about it, we are giving it even more power to make us feel shameful while also reinforcing that there’s something exciting there that we aren’t allowed to have,” she explains.

As you can imagine, this shame can be mentally exhausting.

But here’s the good news: by cultivating kink positivity and creating safe, non-judgmental spaces to discuss desires, we can combat these harmful effects and foster healthier sexual experiences. 

How to Be More Kink-Positive and Sex-Positive

Being kink-positive means embracing an open-minded, non-judgmental attitude toward consensual sexual preferences—both your own preferences and others’ preferences!

But moving towards kink-positivity can be tricky. “Freeing yourself from sexual shame often takes a long time,” Hamilton says. “Be patient with yourself.”

 If you find it hard to open your mind to someone else’s kinks, try this:

  • Educate yourself: Learn about different kinks to demystify them and break down preconceived notions. If you’re reading this article, you’re already engaging in this first step—well done!
  • Don’t make assumptions: Kinks don’t necessarily come from a place of trauma or dysfunction. Try not to jump to conclusions about why someone has a specific kink, or how it plays out in their day-to-day life.
  • Challenge negative thoughts. If you feel shame or judgment creeping in, ask yourself: “Why do I feel this way? Is this belief actually true?”

Freeing yourself from sexual shame often takes a long time. Be patient with yourself.

When it comes to shaking off the shame about your own kinks, try the following:

  • Surround yourself with open-minded people. Hamilton suggests finding a local or online kink community. Being around sex-positive friends or communities can help reframe how you see your desires. 
  • Explore your desires: Not ready to try to act out a kink with someone else? Try exploring it mentally by fantasizing about it (with or without masturbation). This can help you figure out what you like.
  • Don’t stress about the “why”: “You can like something without having to understand why you like it,” Scott says. Your kinks don’t always say something about who you are. “You can want to feel submissive sexually without it meaning that you’re submissive all the time, for example,” she says. 
  • Focus on what matters—consent: The only boundaries in the bedroom should be the one you and your partner/s agree on—not boundaries imposed by society. As long as you’re all consenting adults, you’re all good. 
  • Curiosity is the point. If it turns out you’re not as into a certain kink as you thought you’d be, that’s fine! Don’t let it put you off exploring future kinks. “It’s totally OK if you try something you thought would be hot and find that it’s not,” Scott says. “Back to the drawing board!”

Exploring kinks can be worth the risk. Indulging your curiosity can be a fun, new, exciting way to connect with yourself and others.  

“Don’t let the possibility of guilt or shame get in the way of fulfillment like that,” Scott says. “Life is short and you deserve to have the kinds of sex that you want (with other consenting adults, obviously).” 

How to Communicate Your Sexual Needs and Share Your Kinks with Your Partner 

“Bringing up your desires with the people you want to act on those desires with can feel intimidating,” Hamilton says. At the same time, honest communication is essential for a satisfying and fulfilling sex life. 

Here are some tips for starting the conversation:  

  1. Practice: If you’re nervous, Hamilton suggests speaking the words out loud, alone, before talking to your partner. “Giving yourself a chance to speak the words privately can bust through the constriction,” she says. 
  2. Create a safe space: Pick a time when you and your partner can talk openly without distractions. Hamilton suggests choosing a time when neither of you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (the HALT rule).
  3. Relax: “The words might feel stuck in your throat, especially if you’ve been caught in a lot of shame until now,” Hamilton says. “Consider doing something that regulates your nervous system before you have the conversation with your partner.”
  4. Use “I” statements: Frame your preferences in a way that emphasizes your feelings and desires (e.g., “I’d love to try…”). Remind them that you’re not requiring them to participate in your fantasies or have the same kinks — you’re just sharing your feelings.
  5. Start small: If you’re nervous, you could always share a low-stakes fantasy or preference before diving into more vulnerable topics.

  6. Be patient: Give your partner time to process and respond. They might not know what to say or whether they want to participate in your kinks or not. 
  7. Prepare yourself: They might be ambivalent or uninterested in participating in your fantasies, which is okay. Don’t think of it as a rejection, but as a difference in preferences.

If you and your partner are up for sharing kinks with one another, Scott suggests trying an online kink quiz together. Tools like the “yes/no/maybe” list can help you and your partner identify shared interests in a structured way. 

Bottom Line

Sexual preferences and kinks are as diverse as the people who enjoy them. Instead of letting shame or fear hold you back, focus on fostering a positive, open-minded approach to your desires. Whether you’re exploring roleplay, experimenting with new positions, or just figuring out what turns you on, remember: your pleasure is valid.

By communicating openly, educating yourself, and embracing a kink-positive mindset, you can create a healthier, more fulfilling sexual experience—for yourself and your relationships. Don’t let shame be the third wheel in your bedroom—kick it out and make space for curiosity, connection, and fun.


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7 Ways to Get Through Your Midday Slump

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


When 2:00 in the afternoon rolls around, I often find myself struggling to stay alert at my desk, as a surge of sleepiness makes its way through my body. The urge to grab sugar, tea, or anything that will give me a boost comes on strong. Sometimes I give in and other times I power through.

Sound familiar? 

This experience is considered a midday slump, a noticeable drop in energy and productivity during the afternoon hours.

“It’s actually well recognized and has been noted as a physiologic dip in circadian alertness as we progress during the day, usually occurring in the early afternoon,” says Philip Alapat, MD, associate professor at Baylor College of Medicine.

Why Do Midday Slumps Happen?

While there is not one single clear reason why a midday slump occurs, Alapat says it has to do with the body’s internal clock or circadian rhythm, which is a 24-hour cycle that regulates bodily functions, including sleep-wake patterns, hormone release, and body temperature.

Alapat says most studies that try to measure people’s level of alertness during the day recognize that level of alertness is increased during the morning hours, and then decreases a little bit in the early afternoon hours. Interestingly, alertness is at its highest level in the early evening hours.

“That’s why in previously established European models, the norm was to take a little break in the early afternoon period where you may retire for a brief slumber and then get back up and resume work into the evening,” he says.

How to Fight Through a Midday Slump

If you’re tied to a conventional daytime work schedule like 84% of American workers, fighting through the midday slump might seem hard. However, the following tips can help you push through. 

Recognize Your Sleepiness

If you find yourself too sleepy in the afternoon, look at what is going on in the nighttime. 

“Each of us knows what can worsen our sleepiness and if you try to be cognizant of that and try to get around it, you can manage your mid-afternoon slump better,” says Alapat. 

“If you are not doing that then the slump is going to be worse for you,” he says. 

Move Around

Get up and go for a walk or even a run when sleepiness strikes. 

“If we are physically active and/or doing something that is engaging, we are usually able to fight off any sleepiness that may exist,” says Alapat.

Moving around boosts circulation, increases oxygen levels, and can release adrenaline which increase alertness. For example, Alapat says construction workers or others who are conducting physical labor don’t usually reflect significant sleepiness during the day.

“But those of us who are stuck in a work environment staring at a television screen or computer screen or doing data analysis or accounting work, tend to feel a lot more sleepy in these early afternoon periods,” he says. 

Kelley Kitley, licensed clinical social worker, suggests setting a timer for around 2pm to walk the stairs or halls at work. If you’re at home, take a walk outside. If you’re not able to leave your work area, stand up and stretch for a few minutes.

Avoid Large Meals for Lunch

Heavy meals loaded with carbohydrates tend to put your body in a state of metabolism which requires it to send more energy to break down the food rather than maintain alertness. 

“If you’re stuck in a board meeting where you’ll be in a dark room staring at a screen in the early afternoon period after eating a large lunch, you’re probably going to be more sleepy than if you had not done any of those things,” says Alapat. 

Barbara M. Rocha, N.D., a certified traditional naturopath, eats a light lunch or smaller snacks throughout the day.

“As our digestive system is working, it pulls oxygen from our brains to digest the foods. If it doesn’t have to work as hard you won’t be sleepy,” she says.

Drink Some Caffeine or Water

Caffeine is a wake-promoting agent that works as an adenosine antagonist in the brain to try to
improve your level of alertness when you’re feeling sleepy.

While a coffee or tea in the afternoon can give the jolt you need, Alapat says timing of when you consume it is important.

“If you are taking caffeine in the early afternoon, it should not be physiologically active late in the evening at 9 or 10 pm when you are getting ready for bed,” he says. “For most of us, the caffeine has metabolized out probably within about 6 hours or so.”

However, he warns against taking caffeine tablets sold as a supplement. “I don’t encourage the use of caffeine tablets because they can make you jittery, anxious, and exacerbate underlying medical conditions,” he says.

If caffeine isn’t your thing, drinking a glass of water might do the trick since water moves nutrients
and oxygen throughout the body and keeps you hydrated, which can help keep your blood pressure and heartrate regular.

For something more flavorful, Kitley suggests going for your favorite smoothie, green drink, or bubbly water.

“It’s a nice ritual and refreshing to have something to hold on to. Bubbly offers many different exciting flavors. Smoothies and green drinks are full of nutrients and will give you energy,” she says. 

Take Vitamin C

Rocha takes 1,000mg of vitamin C in the morning and then another 1,000mg in the afternoon to help
with afternoon sleepiness. 

“I find the powder absorbs faster as it takes time for the capsule or tablet to digest,” she says. “If you have too much, your body will just expel it out in your urine. The body doesn’t store it.” 

A study from 2020, found that vitamin C can help combat tiredness due to its antioxidant properties which reduce oxidative stress, a major contributor to fatigue, and by aiding in the synthesis of carnitine, a compound that helps convert fat into energy.

However, Rocha says, there are not one-size-fits-all protocols for everyone. “There are many things to consider. For example, while it’s rare, vitamin c may not work for some people, but it is a good place to start.” 

Shift Your Energy

To get your mind off feeling sleepy, Kitley, says to avoid telling yourself how tired you are. 

“It will make it worse,” she says. Instead, focus on recognizing how much progress you’ve made in the day. 

“Tell yourself how proud you are of you,” Kitley says. For further distraction, call or text a friend for a few minutes, or read an article or funny social media post. 

“It will help shift your energy,” she says. 

Take a Power Nap

If your situation allows for it, consider taking a short nap at home to rejuvenate and improve your productivity for the rest of the day. However, the length of the nap and time when you take it matter.

You want to wake up when you are in the early and lighter stages of sleep to avoid feeling sluggish, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

“For most people, a short rejuvenative nap is usually in the realm of 20 to 30 minutes. If it starts to get longer than that, trying to get up from that nap is usually much more of an exercise,” says Alapat. 

The nap should also be several hours before you go to sleep for the night. “The closer you are to your primary sleep period, the more likely that nap will affect your ability to fall asleep that night,” Alapat says.

Kelly Janowiak regularly takes 15-20 minute naps between 2:30 and 3:30 in the afternoon when her realtor job allows for it.

“I can get to the point where I almost feel like I could sleep standing up,” she says. “If I have the time, I’ll give in and take a quick nap before my sons come home from school. Then when I wake up, I feel totally awake.”

When Is Sleepiness a Concern?

If you have an underlying medical condition that contributes to daytime sleepiness, such as obstructive sleep apnea, narcolepsy, or medical disorders that require you to take medications that have sleepiness as a side effect, Alapat says you will be more prone to sleepiness in the early afternoon.

“This is because the circadian dip in alertness in the early afternoon is going to affect you just like if a person doesn’t have an underlying medical problem. Then add in circadian alternations in your alertness on top of your already sleepiness, and you have an even greater level of sleepiness,” says Alapat. 

If you have excessive daytime sleepiness, contact your doctor to help determine if there is an underlying issue.

Final Thoughts

We all go through a midday slump once in a while. Whether you’re at work, taking care of your kids, or just plain hanging around, you’re bound to hit a wall. That doesn’t mean your day has to stop there. Following the quick tips above and putting together a plan to boost your overall sleep hygiene will help you get through your slump, and help prevent the next one from happening in the first place.


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