Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Inevitably, you won’t hit it off with everyone on a first date. The person appears perfect on paper—or rather the dating apps because we’re all dating online anyway—but turns out to be the wrong match. They’re missing the elusive spark or that instantaneous connection. Then there are those pull-your-hair-out frustrating dates where you feel a real connection only to learn they’re not interested in seeing you again. Oof. Now those what-if connections, yeah, those are particularly painful. 

It sucks but we’ve all been there. As a relationship coach, I’ve heard it all. If you want to know why they cut the cord before things picked off, stop scrolling because you’ll find all the answers right here. I’ll unpack some of the most common reasons why a second date may not be in the cards, plus tips on recognizing when a first date is *actually* going well. 

Lack of Physical Attraction 

Chemistry. That’s usually when it falls down to. When you have a fantastic date and a second date seems imminent only for them to opt out, it’s probably the lack of chemistry. Having butterflies for someone is surprisingly a complex experience shaped by familiarity, brain biology, psychological compatibility, and evolutionary desires driven by reproduction.

Sounds quite sciencey but it’s true! Research shows our instantaneous initial impressions are surprisingly intuitive and often predict compatibility. In one study, researchers showed participants images of their potential dating partners before a speed-dating event. The snap judgments made in just four seconds of looking at the pictures accurately predicted if they would get along during actual conversations.

People often have specific, nebulous preferences—physicality, age, hair color, voice tone. Even energy or the ~vibe~ can influence their level of attraction. Unfortunately, you can’t fully gauge chemistry until you meet someone in person and feel that inexplicable whoosh of sexual thrill. 

Unpredictable Nature of Life 

While you may have had witty text conversations and a memorable time together, a brief date provides limited context on the totality of their life and priorities. 

If a second date didn’t happen and it took you by surprise, resist the urge to personalize. Unforeseen events like the reemergence of an old ex or a sudden life change could’ve shifted their focus away from a new relationship. External factors beyond your control are a common reason why second dates don’t happen. 

Falling for someone is easier than being emotionally ready for a relationship. Timing matters as much as chemistry. People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves, and compatibility won’t bridge the gap until you’re emotionally available. 

Not the Right Fit

You might have mentioned a strong political view they disagreed with. Or, you shared your dreams of living overseas while they’re tethered to their home. Perhaps, they’re looking for a casual hookup and you want a serious relationship.

When individual preferences and dealbreakers come into play, a second date may feel unnecessary if there’s a significant mismatch. Incompatible values make it challenging to progress and see a future together. 

They Just Didn’t Like You Enough

Choosing a partner is the most influential interpersonal decision you can make. After all, a partner represents your beliefs, goals, and path. If they weren’t that into you, accept it so you can find someone who values you for who you are. 

Sometimes, when a second date doesn’t happen, there’s no particular reason beyond a missing connection. You deserve to find someone who wants you for who you are, just like they do. 

Keep on dating, have fun, and trust that someday you’ll find the *right* person

Why They Didn’t Have A Conversation

A first date isn’t a relationship but a mix of projections, hopes, and expectations swirling around in a one-hour coffee. During that time, we’re busy presenting our best selves while masking our true thoughts to impress a stranger.

It’s kind to have an honest conversation but some people prefer to fade away and ghost to avoid awkwardness. 

These dynamics can make it challenging to express those ambiguous emotions. When there hasn’t been a significant investment, it often feels easier to disappear than engage in a potentially uncomfortable conversation. This avoidance is rooted in the fear of hurting someone’s feelings or just not having time for it.

A Good First Date vs. A Bad First Date

Not sure if the first sign went well? Here are some signs of a good first date:

• Effortless: You’re so deep in the conversation that you look up and the restaurant is closed, staffers are heading home, and the manager is giving you the side eye, subtly encouraging you to leave. Time has flown by and the conversation is still flowing. You might want to extend the date or schedule a second date immediately.
• Respect and consideration: Manners, punctuality, and attentiveness are demonstrated throughout the date. You’re present and not listening to respond but truly listening because you want to learn more about them.
• Chemistry: Meaningful communication is important but feeling that zap of physical chemistry is potent for a connection to take off. There’s flirting, warm eye contact, and respectful body language.
• Shared values: You discover surprising common interests with activities and hobbies. Maybe they love animals and you hope to live on a farm someday or you both go to the same hiking trail you do. Shared values help foster connection.
• Natural comfort: You feel like you can tell them anything about yourself, almost as if you’ve known each other for years. You feel safe to be yourself and you’re not forcing conversation or putting on a front.
• Balanced conversation: You expertly weave between various topics with mutual interest and curiosity. You’re both asking interesting questions and are excited to know each other better.

A Bad First Date

It can be hard to know if a first date went bad, especially if the conversation flows and there’s mutual interest on both sides. But there are some small subtle signs that the first date didn’t have that instant spark or connection needed for a second date. 

• Small imbalanced talk: The conversation feels forced like you’re pulling teeth to keep the conversation going. You don’t have a lot in common and your values are misaligned. You’re uncomfortable being vulnerable, so the topics remain superficial and light. They aren’t reading the room, so there may be more awkwardness and one-sided conversation because you’re not attuned.
• Resume vs. chemistry: They ask questions that make the date feel more like an interview than an opportunity to connect. Your presence doesn’t matter as much as what you can offer a partner. The date makes it clear they’re more interested in ticking boxes than getting to know you.
• Persistent nerves: The nerves don’t leave and you’re hyper-aware. The date seems like it’s dragging on, making you wish you were back home reading a book or eating takeout. You’re missing an energizing connection aka limbic resonance, so you aren’t clicking.
• No chemistry: Eye contact is scarce. Any physical contact initiated like touching your elbow or holding your hand does not escalate. You don’t want to reciprocate and prefer to stay within your space. Not wanting to be close shows a lack of emotional connection and mutual attraction.
• Little respect and consideration: They answer their phone at dinner or look around the environment as if they’re interested in anyone but you. They might’ve shown up late, been rude to the waiter, made inappropriate comments, had one too many drinks, or spoken excessively about their ex.

Keep in Mind

When you go on a date and there’s not much of a connection, skipping the second date is a kind gesture. There may be a temptation to go on a second date, but unless there’s genuine interest from both sides, I’d recommend leaving things alone. It takes effort from both to explore potential, just as it takes two for a relationship. 

And remember: rejection is redirection. You don’t need to waste your energy brainstorming or doing mental gymnastics to know why they rejected you, especially if they didn’t take the time to express it to you. Focus on loving yourself, enjoying the journey, and being the next version of who you are to attract the right partner into your life. Onto the next! 

Virtual Dates – 10 Helpful Tips for Video Date Success

While nothing can replace an in-person date, during the pandemic, virtual video dates became very popular. Chatting with someone new from the warmth and comfort of your own home does have its advantages. And virtual dates work especially well when dating someone who lives far away. And these days, most people are comfortable using Zoom or FaceTime. So I thought I’d share some tips to help you have successful virtual dates in case you decide to go that route.

1. Set your intentions for your video date: When you’re on a video date, your goal should NOT be to feel chemistry because that’s too hard to gauge on a call. Instead, simply see if you enjoy spending time with the other person. If you do, then you should meet in person to get to know him or her better, and gauge chemistry then.

2. Think big and hold still on your video date: It’s tempting to use your smartphone for a video date, but I strongly suggest using a computer or tablet instead. I mean, who wants to be three inches tall on a date, lol? Make sure your computer or tablet (or phone, if you must) is stationary so you’re not wobbling around on-screen. It’ll feel more like a date when the screen is large and still.

3. Lighting for your video date: Lighting is super important when you’re on a virtual date. Make sure you’ve got sufficient front-lighting (not backlighting which will make you look like a silhouette). If you can’t sit facing a window or a lamp, I suggest a ring light like this.  

4. Choose the setting for your video date: So many of us have spent the last two years on video calls for work. A video date should look and feel very different from a work meeting. So don’t sit at your desk and show yourself from the chest up. Instead, I suggest you put your laptop or tablet on your coffee table and sit casually on your couch showing yourself from the legs or waist up. Get comfortable! And please make sure there are no unmade beds, dirty kitchens, or bathrooms in the background. Keep things classy, clean, and casual.

5. Up your energy on your video date: Your energy level on camera matters! It’s important to smile more than usual and to use your hands and body when you’re speaking. Big (but not awkward) hand movements can really up the energy on a video date. Trust me, this is great advice!

6. Dress for your video date: Treat a virtual date like any other date, and look your best. Wear something nice. Ladies, do your hair and makeup and wear color. Men, no wrinkled tee shirts! Make the extra effort to look awesome!

7. Keep your video date positive and fun: Just like when you’re on a regular date, stick to positive topics. Don’t spend lots of time discussing the pandemic or politics. Don’t ask about your date’s past relationships or mention your ex. Don’t talk about all of the dates you’ve been on or how hard dating is. And don’t talk too long about work. Instead, share what makes you happy and what you’re most passionate about. Maybe even play a game, enjoy a glass of wine or cook dinner together. Be creative!

8. Use affirmations on your video date: If there’s something you appreciate about your date, why keep it to yourself?. Let them know! It feels really good to be seen and appreciated! Affirmations are a great way to create connections on a date. And they’re kind!

9. End your video date right: Ladies, if you had a good time, make sure your date knows you had fun! Men, if you’d like to see her again, ask her out on an in-person date and suggest a date, time, and place. Make it happen!

10. Always be kind: If you decide you don’t want to get together again, send a quick note the next day thanking your date for spending time with you. Pay them a genuine compliment or two, and then let them know you’ve thought about it and have decided the two of you are not a fit. Closure is always kinder than ghosting.

I hope these video dating tips are super helpful! Please stay safe. And most of all, have FUN!

It seems like everybody and their mother is ready and willing to give relationship advice, whether you ask for it or not. And to make matters worse, these advice givers use the same phrases over and over, so much that they’ve become almost meaningless clichés. 

But does that mean their advice isn’t valid? 

Read on to learn more about the most stereotypical relationship advice, why it works (and doesn’t), and when you should take advice or ignore it.

Common Stereotypical Relationship Advice

If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you’ve likely heard these phrases before. But what do they mean and how helpful are they in reality?

“Everything happens for a reason.”

In my opinion, this phrase is at best myopic and at worst dangerous. It calls to mind toxic positivity, which is a point of view that ignores the bad—any bad, tbh—at the expense of objectivity and a full understanding of the situation. 

Sometimes, shit happens. Sometimes, really bad shit happens. Maybe your partner cheats on you; maybe you find out, after months or years of trying, you’re unable to have a baby. Is it truly helpful to think that those things were somehow supposed to happen? That the universe is trying to teach you a lesson? No. Thinking that way can make you feel helpless or even guilty. 

That can be helpful when this is, in fact, true—when it really wasn’t your fault and you need some help letting yourself off the hook. However, there are two sides to this coin. While saying this mantra can help you refrain from beating yourself up after the “bad thing” happens, it also could prevent you from examining the situation, learning from any mistakes, and taking accountability.

If you’ve found yourself giving this advice in the past, that’s OK. Maybe you truly believed it and thought it would help the person hearing it. But before you serve this platitude again, think about the unintended effects it might have. *cough* Like making the person think that you are ignoring or downplaying their pain *cough*

“If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.”

Another similar soundbite to the “everything happens for a reason.” This phrase takes away everyone’s agency—yours and your partner’s. Saying “if it’s meant to be” implies there is nothing you can or should be doing to make whatever “it” is happen. 

This isn’t a great attitude to have in your relationship. Relationships take work and if you have goals—getting married, having children—leaving things up to chance won’t be helpful.

On the other hand, the good thing about this phrase is that it can take some of the relationship weight off your shoulders. This is especially true if you recognize that you can only do what you can do, and not everything can or should be your sole responsibility. That said, this can backfire if you can’t see and act on the things that are your responsibility. (Accountability lesson: 101).

If you’re saying this to a friend or family member, think about why you thought it would help. If the person you’re talking to believes in things like fate, maybe it was the right thing to say. But if they don’t, maybe think twice about suggesting leaving things up to chance.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

Chances are, after a breakup, you’ve heard this from someone trying to make you feel better. And maybe it did—it’s helpful to remember your ex is not the only person in the world who can and will love you. On a planet of eight billion people, statistically, the opportunities are endless. (Never mind that most of that population lives in Asia—more power to you if you move there to increase your odds.)

However, this particular phrase can make light of your breakup pain and dismiss the importance of the ended relationship. It is encouraging you to immediately move on, which is usually not helpful or feasible.

You also have to consider the reality that there are relatively few fish meeting your emotional and physical needs. Not to mention if you’re even compatible with them. Dating is not just a numbers game, though we proclaim otherwise. There’s more to dating than just how many people you can meet. 

This is another piece of advice you might find yourself doling out without much thought. But before you say this to friends or family again, think about how it might affect them—for example, they might feel as though you are not taking their pain or negative experiences seriously.  

“Actions speak louder than words.”

In some ways, this is very true. Your partner tells you they want to spend time together but doesn’t make concrete plans. They say they want exclusivity but get cagey whenever you try to make the relationship “official.” Or, they claim to love you but consistently hurt you over and over again.

But this can be the other way around too. Your partner might struggle verbally expressing their emotions, so they show their love and affection in other ways. Maybe they wait on you hand and foot when you are sick or buy you a little present when they know you are having a bad day. These actions count too.

That said, words will never not be important. We all need to hear an “I love you” from our partner, even if they grapple with public displays of affection, and therefore need to express their love through acts of service or quality time.

If you find yourself repeating this phrase, consider why. Have you noticed a pattern that the person you’re talking to has not? Have they told you their partner consistently says one thing but does another? In these cases, delicately pointing out these discrepancies could be useful, but try to be specific and avoid clichés.

“Trust your gut.”

Every relationship is a learned lesson for your instincts. Think of your instincts—or your gut—as a personal memory box: it takes in your good and bad dating experiences and helps you identify what you do (and don’t) like in relationships. As well as potential red flags or warning signs, the type of partner you desire, and your physical and emotional needs in a relationship. All of these things are what we call “gut” instincts.

Your “gut” might tell you to avoid conflict at all costs because—in former relationships—you were punished for disagreeing or fighting back. Your “gut” could suggest staying in a bad or unhealthy because you believe deep down that you are the problem and therefore you can or should fix things. All this to say, your “gut” might be unreliable because of past negative experiences or even trauma.

If you find yourself giving this advice, it might be helpful to ask questions instead. Learning more about this person’s past experiences can lend insight into whether their “gut” is reliable. This way, you can help walk them through their feelings and provide informed support.

When to Listen to Relationship Advice

It can be hard to hear other people’s opinions about your relationship, especially if they disagree with you. But people outside of your relationship might be able to see things you cannot.

Other people’s relationship advice might be helpful if:

• You have asked them for advice
• You would like another perspective on a situation or problem
• You recognize that something is wrong but you can’t quite pinpoint it
• You are unsure if you are overreacting to something
• They themselves are in a happy and healthy relationship
• The person knows your partner better than you do

When Not to Listen to Relationship Advice

Unprompted or misinformed relationship advice is hardly ever helpful. The person might not understand the particular dynamics of your relationship or might not recognize that their advice is not wanted or needed. 

You don’t need to listen to intrusive advice—it only stresses you out and makes you feel insecure. 

Other people’s relationship advice might not be helpful if:

• You have not asked them for advice
• They do not have all the facts about a certain situation or problem
• You do not feel comfortable sharing or discussing the issue you are dealing with
• You and your partner both feel as though you are handling the situation to the best of your ability
• They themselves are in a bad or abusive relationship but don’t recognize it
• The person does not know you or your partner

Just because someone has an opinion about your relationship does not mean you need to hear or honor it. Ultimately, you and your partner are the experts in your own relationship—your feelings come first.

When to Act on Relationship Advice

It can be hard to determine when to act on relationship advice versus when a worry is just a worry and nothing more. 

If you feel someone has given you advice that is ringing true, it might be time to put their suggestion into practice. Perhaps they recognized a pattern in you or your partner’s relationship that you didn’t see until they mentioned it. Or, they provided insight into you or your partner’s behavior because they took a step back and considered all the facts without getting emotional.

If someone has given you relationship advice that feels scary, consider why you feel that way. Are you scared because you think the advice could end the relationship or cause pain for you or your partner? Or are you afraid because the advice could open your eyes to something new or unfamiliar in your relationship? Something that will require more effort than you are currently giving, hmm?

Ultimately, whatever you decide to do in your relationship is between you and your partner, but well-intentioned and well-informed advice can sometimes be helpful.

Final Thoughts

Relationship advice can be tricky. While usually well-meaning, it can be based on a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of your relationship and its problems. On the other hand, some relationship advice can be insightful and even very helpful. It’s up to you and your partner whether or not to take someone else’s advice on board, especially if that advice is an age-old cliché.

We have been friends since May of 2022. We dated for a month, but after a year we broke up in July. It was my second heartbreak after five years of being single. I started focusing on my career until exactly February 14, 2023, when he messaged me. I was hesitant, but the spirit kept telling me to give him a chance, so I offered to be friends until we decided to get to know each other better. This time is different; we officially dated when he visited me in the Philippines (August 2023). We both knew that marriage was the next step in our relationship and we keep praying for that. I was so thankful to Heavenly Father that he is the one I pray for, that he brought me to the temple and that we kept our covenants until we decided to get married in December 23, 2023. I made a promise to him that I would take care of him and the family we would be starting in the future; I had found my best friend. My eternal companion

Met On Mutual

These stories are submitted by real people who met on Mutual. You could be next!

It’s easy to get overwhelmed when we think about the rest of our lives. What do we hope to achieve in the long run? Are we on the right path or are we just drifting through life? Wouldn’t it be helpful to have a plan or a compass to guide us? That’s where a life map comes in.

A life map is a visual representation of the key events, goals, and milestones in our lives, says Sergio Muriel, LMHC, CAP, Chief Operating Officer at Diamond Behavioral Health.

A life map can take various forms, such as a timeline, a collage, or a flowchart, and often includes personal achievements, challenges, relationships, and other influential factors that have shaped our lives, says Ashley Peña, LCSW, Executive Director at Mission Connection.

If you’re interested in making a life map, we’ve got you. In this article, we explore the benefits of making a map and some life mapping techniques that can help you get started. This simple but powerful tool can help you reflect on your life, map out your goals, and visualize your future. I know I always feel better when I have a plan!

Benefits of Making a Life Map

If you’ve ever felt lost or unsure about what you want, a life map may be able to help. Making a life map offers many benefits, such as:

• Promotes self-awareness: The process of making a life map gives us a chance to reflect on our life’s journey so far. What are the achievements we’re most proud of? What are some of the mistakes we made and how did they affect our lives? This exercise helps us get to know ourselves better.
• Increases clarity: By mapping out our goals and options, we gain a clearer understanding of what we truly want. This process helps us identify our priorities, giving us the clarity we need for future decisions and actions, says Peña.
• Offers motivation: Seeing our hopes and dreams laid out in front of us can be incredibly motivating. It reminds us why we’re working hard and inspires us to keep going when life throws us curveballs.
• Improves decision-making: With a life map, we have a visual guide that helps us make more informed choices. When we’re faced with decisions, we can easily see which options align with our goals and which ones are a waste of our time.
• Tracks progress: As we achieve milestones and move closer to our goals, the life map helps us track our accomplishments. Seeing our progress on paper can be super satisfying.
• Enables course correction: A life map helps us understand the trajectory of our life, throwing light on patterns and turning points along the way, says Muriel. As a result, we can adjust or correct our plans if needed.
• Reduces stress: Uncertainty tends to breed anxiety. When we have a clear plan, we feel more in control of our lives. This sense of control can significantly reduce our stress levels, making us feel happier and more at ease.

Getting Started

Don’t worry, making a life map is easier than it might seem. Here’s how you can get started:

• Choose your format: If you’re going digital, you can choose any document, presentation, or flowchart software you’re comfortable with. If you prefer keeping things old school, gather some paper or poster board, colored pens or markers, sticky notes, and anything else that inspires your creativity. 
• Create categories: Divide your life map into different categories such as personal growth, career, relationships, health, and hobbies. This can help you organize your thoughts and ensure you cover all the important aspects of your life.
• Reflect on your life: Reflect on your life so far and start noting down important events in each of the categories listed above. These could include accomplishments, challenges, setbacks, and life lessons.
• Identify goals: Imagine your ideal life and think about what it would look like across each of the categories on your life map. For example, what would your dream job or ideal relationship look like? Next, jot down specific goals you want to achieve across each category. Be as detailed as possible. For example, instead of simply writing “get fit,” in the health category, you could write “run a 5k by the end of the year” or “attend yoga classes twice a week.”
• Assign timelines: Decide on a timeframe for each goal. Short-term goals might be within the next few months, while long-term goals could span several years. This helps you prioritize and stay on track.
• Break down steps: For each goal, outline the steps you need to take to achieve it. Breaking down goals into manageable tasks makes them less daunting and more achievable.
• Draw your map: With all the elements in place, you’re ready to start creating your life map. Draw branches from each category to its respective goals, and add any relevant notes, dates, or milestones. Feel free to use colors, images, symbols, stickers, or anything that makes the map visually appealing and meaningful to you.

Life Mapping Techniques

As you get started with making a life map, these are some techniques that might come in handy. There’s no right or wrong way to do it, just go with the one that feels most natural to you.

Mind Map

A mind map can help you organize your thoughts across different categories. Here’s how to make one:

• Start with a central idea or vision in the middle of a blank page.
• Draw branches from the center, each representing a different life category.
• Add sub-branches for specific goals and steps within each category.
• Use colors, images, and symbols to make the map engaging and easy to understand.

Timeline

A timeline can help you see the progression of your life and set goals for the future. Here’s how to create one:

• Draw a horizontal line across a page to represent a timeline of your life.
• Mark significant past events on the left side, current situations in the middle, and future goals on the right.
• Identify key milestones and steps needed to achieve future goals. Assign a timeframe to each one and list them on the right side of your timeline.

Vision Board

A vision board can help you visualize your goals, serving as a daily source of inspiration. Here’s how to build one:

• Gather pictures, quotes, stickers, sticky notes, and other visual materials.
• Group the items by categories or themes that resonate with you.
• Arrange them on a board or large piece of paper to represent your goals and aspirations.
• Display it in a prominent place as a source of inspiration.

Journal

Journaling can give you an opportunity to reflect upon your life. Here’s how to go about it:

• Designate different pages or sections in your journal for the different aspects of your life.
• Write down your accomplishments and challenges in each category.
• For each item you write down, reflect on how it made you feel and what you learnt from the experience.
• Think about your ideal life and note down the changes you would have to make across the various aspects of your life to achieve your goals.

Wheel of Life

A wheel can help you assess the level of balance in your life. Here’s how to draw one:

• Draw a circle and divide it into segments, to represent the different categories of your life. Think of it as a pie chart of your life.
• If you like, you can choose to add a satisfaction rating to each segment. This will help you identify the areas of your life where you need to make changes in order to feel happier and more fulfilled.
• Identify actions that will help you achieve these goals and note them down.

How to Use Your Life Map

A life map is more than just a pretty picture; it’s a dynamic tool for personal growth and development. These are some strategies that can help you use it effectively and make the most out of it:

• Review it regularly: Make it a point to revisit your life map periodically, so you can assess your progress and identify areas for improvement.
• Track your progress: Use your life map to track your progress. Mark off milestones as you achieve them and celebrate your wins, to boost your confidence and affirm your commitment to your goals.
• Update it as needed: Things change and so do our goals. Be open to adjusting your life map to accommodate new opportunities, challenges, or shifts in your priorities. You can add new goals, modify existing ones, or remove goals that are no longer relevant. 
• Set priorities: Use your life map to help prioritize your tasks and activities. When you’re faced with multiple demands on your time, refer to your life map to determine which tasks align with your most important goals and values.
• Reflect and learn: Use your life map as a tool for reflection. Periodically assess what’s working well for you and what’s not. Reflect on the lessons learned from both successes and setbacks, and use these insights to refine your goals and strategies.
• Seek accountability: Share your life map with a trusted friend, family member, or mentor. Having someone else involved in your journey can provide a sense of accountability and encouragement, keeping you on track with your goals.
• Incorporate it into your routine: Integrate goals from your life map into your daily routine. Whether it’s setting aside time each day to workout or apply for your dream job, make sure you work toward your goals.

Takeaways

A life map is like a personalized compass for your journey through life. It can be a useful tool that keeps you focused and motivated. Knowing what you want and planning how to get there can help you feel more confident and less anxious about the future. 

So, grab your tools and get started. You’ve got this!

Are you dating a narcissist?

This is such an important question because being in a relationship with a narcissist can make you very unhappy. Dating a narcissist can be a hell of a rollercoaster ride, one that’s mostly downhill.

How to spot a narcissist when you’re dating

As someone who’s been in a relationship with a narcissist, I know how difficult and emotionally abusive they can be. It’s very important to know how to recognize a narcissist so you can avoid dating them.

The good news is, once you know the signs, it’s fairly easy to figure out if the person you’re dating has narcissistic traits or even narcissistic personality disorder.

In this post, I’m going to show you how to easily spot a narcissist.

What is narcissistic personality disorder?

According to the Mayo Clinic, narcissistic personality disorder is a “mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

Approximately 1% of the population has a narcissistic personality disorder, and that number may be much higher because lots of people don’t seek treatment and are not diagnosed. About 75% of narcissists are men.

Many more men have narcissistic traits but do not have narcissistic personality disorder.

Either way, dating a narcissist can be painful, so it’s important to know how to spot one right away.

What are narcissists like?

Narcissists are often very popular and greatly admired. On the surface, they seem like kind, caring people (as long as you’re on their good side). They’re charming and charismatic and have very appealing energy that draws people to them. Narcissists make you feel amazing, often by giving lavish praise and compliments.

When a narcissist tells you they love you, they actually love the way it feels when you admire them. They crave external validation and thrive on their ability to manipulate you to get what they want.

Narcissists can seem larger than life and often portray themselves as fascinating characters, describing themselves as the person they wish they were. They often tell stories of their past that show they are special and stand out in some way.

They exaggerate their accomplishments because they have a strong need for admiration, attention, and praise. The way they’re viewed by others is very important to them, and they will maintain a positive appearance at any cost.

How do you feel when dating a narcissist?

When a narcissist chooses you, they will make you feel important and special. They may sweep you off your feet and “love-bomb” you which feels so good. They’ll give you lots of attention and praise and often move too fast. You’ll probably feel a ton of chemistry.

But don’t let that fool you. Soon enough, being with a narcissist will make you feel miserable.

Narcissists have low self-esteem

Relationships with narcissists are often toxic and full of drama because they have difficulty genuinely loving others. This is because they don’t truly love themselves.

Narcissists fear intimacy and rejection because they lack self-love and feel unlovable. They cannot be vulnerable and are extremely sensitive to criticism and negative feedback. They take disagreement very personally.

Because narcissists are not comfortable with intimacy, they sabotage their relationships in a myriad of ways. They criticize, intimidate, and belittle their partners.

Narcissists are critical of others

Often preoccupied with fantasies of a perfect life, they have unrealistic impossible expectations and a very low tolerance for imperfection in others. Therefore, narcissists are very critical and may put you or others down to feel good about themselves.

They also have difficulty managing their emotions and are often passive-aggressive and withdraw when they are upset. Instead of taking responsibility or apologizing, they blame others and hold grudges. They’re always right and never apologize.

Narcissists are self-centered

Narcissists feel very self-important and are self-absorbed. They require lots of attention because they are fueled by compliments. They often expect special treatment and feel the rules don’t apply to them. They will manipulate others for personal gain and a sense of control, and you may find that you’re always doing what your narcissistic partner wants instead of what you prefer.

Narcissists lie and cheat

Because their sense of self is based on external validation, they often cheat. Narcissists commonly lie and use gaslighting to ruin their partner’s sense of self-esteem, making you question your own sanity and perception of events. This is a form of emotional abuse.

Narcissists want you all to themselves

Because narcissists are so insecure, when you’re dating a narcissist, they may slowly isolate you from your friends and family under the pretense that they hate him for no reason. He will expect complete loyalty from you and may try to convince you that your friends and family are not good enough and hold you back. They often see your loved ones as a threat.

Narcissists don’t feel empathy

Narcissists lack empathy and cannot relate to or validate the feelings of others. A narcissist will view his partner in terms of how he or she fulfills (or doesn’t fulfill) the narcissist’s own needs. In fact, a narcissist will value you only to the extent you are seen as beneficial.

Narcissists have drama-filled relationships

At the end of the day, narcissists create tons of drama, and their romantic relationships are usually unsuccessful. And they rarely have deep, authentic, long-term friendships. Instead, they have surface-level friendships and a lot of acquaintances.

Are you dating a narcissist right now?

If all of this sounds familiar, you may have dated a narcissist in the past. Or perhaps you’re dating one right now. If that’s the case, I hope you’ll end your relationship immediately.

When you try to break up with a narcissist, they will likely love-bomb you again, so beware. If you give in and stay in the relationship, the whole cycle of dysfunction and abuse will begin again.

Dating a narcissist? You deserve better!

Now that you understand how destructive dating a narcissist can be to your mental health, your self-esteem, and ultimately your entire life, I hope you’ll AVOID them at all costs.

Remember this. It doesn’t matter how hot, sexy, rich, brilliant, or charming a narcissist is, it’s never going to work out.

So RUN! You deserve better.

We’ve all been there, sitting in the middle of a conversation that suddenly hits a dead end, leaving us desperately searching for something to say. Whether we’re at a party, a work event, or even just catching up with friends, those silent pauses can feel super awkward and uncomfortable.

Don’t worry—conversation lulls are natural and occur more frequently than we might realize, says Jenna Nielsen, MSW, LCSW, a therapist at ADHDAdvisor.

The good news is, a stalling conversation can be rescued. Switching to a new topic can help revive the discussion, says Alison Wood Brooks, PhD, an associate professor and conversation researcher at Harvard Business School.

The key is to be prepared. “Switching topics is easier if we’ve thought about potential topics before the conversation begins—before we’re lost in the demands of keeping the conversation alive,” says Dr. Brooks. It can be helpful to keep a few topic ideas up your sleeve, so you can revive the conversation if it starts to drag.

Signs of a Conversation Lull

The best way to prevent a conversation lull is to head it off before the awkward silence sets in. We all know the one. The chit-chat starts to fizzle out and then suddenly there’s an uncomfortable stretch where nobody can think of anything to say. Recognizing when the energy starts to dip can help us steer the conversation back on track before it’s too late.

These are some signs that a conversation lull might be approaching:

• Redundancies: According to Dr. Brooks, when we’re running out of things to talk about, we often resort to repeating ourselves, a habit known as conversational redundancy.
• One-word answers: As the conversation approaches a lull, our responses start to become shorter and less enthusiastic, approaching one-word answers.
• Longer pauses: As the dialogue dwindles, the pauses in between phrases often get longer, says Dr. Brooks. While gaps in the conversation are more comfortable between friends, they can be very awkward for strangers.
• Wandering eyes: If our gazes keep drifting away from each other and wandering around the room, it’s a subtle sign that our minds might be elsewhere.
• Phone usage: When people start to glance at their phones, it’s generally a sign that the conversation is stalling, says Nielsen.
• Fake laughter: Uncomfortable laughter is another giveaway, says Dr. Brooks.

Noticing any one of these signals means it’s time to switch to a new topic, says Dr. Brooks.

Strategies to Revive a Conversation

The experts share some strategies that can help us revive a stalling conversation:

• Introduce a new topic: If the current subject has run its course, Dr. Brooks recommends switching to a new topic. “It can help to pay closer attention to our partner’s interest in the conversation. When their interest begins to flag, it’s better to switch to something new, even if we feel we have more to say on the topic.”
• Ask open-ended questions: Instead of asking questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no,” we can ask open-ended questions that encourage more detailed responses, such as “What was the highlight of your week?” or “How do you spend your free time?”
• Find common ground: Discovering shared interests or experiences can give us lots to talk about. Whether it’s a mutual hobby, a favorite TV show, or a recent event, we can ask the person their views and share our own thoughts.
• Share a personal story: Offering a personal anecdote can help us connect with the other person. This often prompts them to share their own stories too, helping us bond with them.
• Callback a previous topic: While looking for a new topic to talk about, Dr. Brooks says it can be helpful to callback a detail, either from a previous conversation with the same person, or from earlier in the same conversation. For example, if the person we’re chatting with mentioned they were going hiking last week, we could ask them how the hike was.
• Use humor: A light-hearted joke or funny observation can break the ice and ease any tension. Laughing with someone is a great way to bond with them.
• Pay a compliment: Giving a sincere compliment or acknowledging something interesting about the person can make them happy and set a positive tone for the conversation. For example, “I love your shirt, where did you get it?” or “Your company logo is really cool; tell me more about it.”
• Discuss current events: Recent news or trending topics can provide fresh material for discussion. Being informed about what’s happening in the world is often helpful while making conversation.
• Play a conversation game: Introducing a fun and simple game like “Would You Rather?” or “Two Truths and a Lie” can lighten the mood and prompt interesting responses.

50 Conversation Kickstarters

Use these topics as your secret weapon against awkward silences. Depending on the flow of your conversation, you can either use them as follow-up questions or introduce them as fresh topics to change things up.

Conversation Starters About Hobbies and Interests

Here are some conversation starters about hobbies and interests that can help you get to know someone better: 

• What’s the most interesting thing you’ve read or watched lately?
• Have you discovered any new music or podcasts recently?
• What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend?
• What activity helps you relax the most?
• What’s a skill you’d like to learn someday?

Conversation Starters About Food

Here are some conversation starters that can help you connect with fellow foodies:

• Have you been to any good restaurants lately?
• What’s your go-to comfort food?
• What’s your favorite thing to cook?
• If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
• What food reminds you most of home?

Conversation Starters About Travel

Here are some conversation starters that can help you explore the world of travel:

• What’s your dream travel destination?
• What’s the most amazing place you’ve ever visited?
• What’s the next place on your travel bucket list?
• What’s your favorite travel memory?
• Do you collect anything from the places you visit?
• Do you enjoy trying new foods when you travel?
• Have you ever made friends while traveling?
• What’s the first thing you do when you arrive at a new place?
• What’s the longest trip you’ve ever taken?
• Do you prefer beach, mountain, or city trips?

Conversation Starters About Family

Here are some conversation starters that can give you a glimpse into someone’s family and upbringing:

• Do you have any siblings? What are they like?
• Who is your favorite person in your family?
• How do you usually celebrate holidays with your family?
• What’s a family tradition that’s important to you?
• What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned from your family?
• What’s your happiest childhood memory?
• Do you have any pets that are part of your family?

Conversation Starters About Work

Here are some conversation starters about work: 

• What are the projects you’re working on at the moment?
• What’s a recent accomplishment you’re proud of?
• What’s the biggest challenge you’re facing at work?
• What do you like most about your job?
• How do you handle work stress?
• What motivates you to get through the day?
• How do you balance your work and your personal life?

Conversation Starters About Life

Here are some conversation starters about life and the bigger picture: 

• Who’s your biggest role model?
• What’s something you’re grateful for today?
• What’s a cause or issue you’re passionate about?
• What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
• Do you have a favorite quote or motto that you live by?
• What advice would you give your younger self?
• What does your ideal life look like 10 years from now?
• What does retirement look like to you?
• What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned in your life so far?

Conversation Starters About Fantasies

Here are some what-if questions that can be fun and interesting to discuss: 

• If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money?
• If you could instantly become an expert in something, what would it be?
• If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?
• If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, who would you pick?
• If you could have any three wishes granted, what would you ask for? 
• If you could swap lives with someone for a day, who would it be and why?
• If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

Takeaways

Keeping a conversation going can be tricky. Having a few prompts up your sleeve can help you keep things fresh and interesting. With the right questions and a little bit of enthusiasm, you can turn an awkward conversation into an opportunity to bond with someone. You’ve got this!