What TikTok Gets Wrong About The Butterfly Effect

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Leave it to TikTok to take an abstract philosophy, spread it across the app, and use it as evidence for how they magically improved their life or met their partner. First, there was the invisible string theory and now everyone on the video-sharing platform is obsessing over the butterfly effect. This being the notion that small changes can have major, potentially life-altering effects down the line.

Most of the associated TikTok videos describe instances of fate, at best, and coincidence, at worst. Even more simply describe the natural occurrence of events when you take active steps toward changing your life, such as one user sharing: “the butterfly effect is crazy bc what if I never transferred to college in nyc.”

There’s nothing wrong with romanticizing your life, but when complex ideas are oversimplified to appeal to an online audience, it can sometimes do more harm than good. In the context of the butterfly effect, it may lead to anxiety around decision making or lead you to leave things up to fate rather than taking active steps to get what you want in life.

Can a meteorological theory popularized in the 1970s really be simplified to explain why you met the love of your life because you were so heartbroken you took an impromptu trip to Miami? The reality of the theory is much deeper than that, and may even be a helpful tool for taking control of your life rather than leaving everything up to chance. 

To get to the bottom of what the butterfly effect actually means and what the TikTok trend gets wrong, I spoke to three relationship therapists. Ahead, everything you need to know about the butterfly effect theory and how to implement it into your own life.

What the Butterfly Effect Actually Means

The butterfly effect, also known as chaos theory, was first introduced by American mathematician and meteorologist Edward Lorenz in 1972.

During the 139th meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, Lorenz posed the question: ‘Does the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil set off a tornado in Texas?’ With this inquiry, Lorenz was trying to illustrate the unpredictability of outcomes of complex, energetic systems. For example, how a gust of wind can completely change the direction or severity of a storm. 

To put it simply, small changes in the initial conditions can lead to vastly different results. “It’s a powerful reminder that seemingly minor choices or events can ripple out in ways we might never fully understand,” says Dr. Caroline Fenkel, DSW, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and co-founder of Charlie Health. 

What TikTok Gets Wrong About the Butterfly Effect

TikTok videos claiming to describe the butterfly effect—such as someone running into their now-partner on a drunken night, getting the guts to finally text their ex to get back together, or decentering romantic relationships enough to finally start doing things on their own set to Lorde’s “Ribs”—completely miss the depth of this complex theory. 

The TikTok trend often simplifies the butterfly effect to mean that every tiny decision one makes will lead to a specific outcome, says Fenkel. For example, by consistently putting yourself out there and walking up to strangers you find attractive in public, you’ll meet a match you would possibly consider dating. In reality, “it’s not about guaranteeing a specific outcome, but rather about recognizing the unpredictability of the journey.”

Dr. Caroline Fenkel, DSW, LCSW

It’s a powerful reminder that seemingly minor choices or events can ripple out in ways we might never fully understand

— Dr. Caroline Fenkel, DSW, LCSW

The butterfly effect is not the domino effect, or one event setting off a chain of consequent events inspired by the physics of a row of dominoes toppling over, as the outcomes of the former are unpredictable, adds Dr. Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, LMFT, a sex therapist and relationship expert for the dating app Hily. For example, “we would not be able to predict that by waking up and wearing a blue shirt, we will be elected class president,” she explains. In other words, the butterfly effect describes how there is no clear linear path from the initial starting point to the end result. 

TikTok’s interpretation of the theory is most often instances of what could be described as fate or serendipity. “Fate implies a fixed or preordained outcome, or something that will happen no matter what choices we make,” says Fenkel. In other words, meeting the person that would become your long-term partner was “written in the stars,” if you believe in that sort of thing. “Serendipity, similar to fate, usually has to do with chance encounters,” says Cohen. It describes unexpected good fortune or meaningful coincidences, adds Fenkel. For example, it was a lucky coincidence that you and your future partner were a part of the same run club.

While all three—the butterfly effect, fate, and serendipity—acknowledge that small moments can shape bigger ones, only the butterfly effect emphasizes the unpredictability of those outcomes, says Fenkel. “Fate is rigid, serendipity is lucky, and the butterfly effect is uncertain.”

Why It Matters

When it comes to online dating trends, it’s important not to take them at face value and instead unwrap the hidden meaning behind these theories. In terms of the butterfly effect, misinterpreting this complex mathematical theory can lead to magical thinking or even anxiety around decision-making. 

“When the butterfly effect is misunderstood as a guarantee that small choices always have monumental consequences, it can lead to hyper-responsibility or magical thinking, believing that forgetting your umbrella could somehow lead to missing out on your life’s purpose,” says Fenkel. Thinking this way can trigger anxiety, especially for those who are prone to overthinking, and places an unrealistic burden on everyday choices. It amplifies the fear or belief that we’re all just one decision away from disaster.

The TikTok trend often simplifies the butterfly effect to mean that every tiny decision one makes will lead to a specific outcome

Magical thinking can turn every small decision into a high-stakes moment, says Los Angeles-based relationship therapist Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC. It creates pressure, and reinforces hypervigilance, which can lead to someone shutting down for fear of getting it “wrong.”

It Can Lead to Too Much “What-If” Thinking

Often, this type of hyper-responsibility and magical thinking can cause us to over-identify with “what if” thinking. What if I had texted him back? What if I went out last night instead of staying at home? When we get stuck in this type of thinking, “it’s easy to spiral into regret and self-blame,” says Fenkel.

We might replay our choices in our heads and wonder how different decisions might have altered the outcomes, and this can become paralyzing, especially if we believe that every choice we make creates irreversible change—which is simply untrue, life is far more fluid and adaptable, Fenkel adds. 

“What if’s” can also prevent someone from being fully present and realizing that some factors are beyond their control, says Cohen. Relationships, for example, are co-created, so while your actions matter, so do the person’s you’re romantically interested in, says Groskopf. If things don’t work out, it might be because either or both parties didn’t put in enough effort, not that the relationship was unexplainably doomed. 

The Butterfly Effect as a Tool for Mindfulness

While the butterfly effect purports that some things in life are outside of our control, that doesn’t mean that our actions don’t matter. Rather than leave things up to fate, being aware of the butterfly effect can help us live more intentional and mindful lives.

“The butterfly effect reminds us that even our smallest actions have the potential to create change,” says Fenkel. “It acknowledges that while we can’t predict every ripple, we can act with kindness, awareness, and purpose, trusting that those small acts matter—even if we never fully see how.”

The butterfly effect teaches us that actions do have consequences in the real world, even if we don’t see them, adds Cohen. “This can help us contemplate our positions or behaviors more carefully. We may be more likely to pause and reflect before acting.”

At the same time, the butterfly effect can allow us to relinquish a bit of control and hypervigilance, which can exacerbate anxiety symptoms. The theory teaches us to accept events outside of our control and to be flexible as well as resilient when things don’t go as planned. 

Keep in Mind

The TikTok-ification of a question of causation and effect that ultimately concluded that some weather changes are unpredictable has resulted in one key takeaway: that it’s okay to embrace the chaos, as long as you do so mindfully. 

You may not meet the love of your life by going to that event you didn’t want to go to but attended anyways because your friends pushed you to, and that song you wrote when you were 17 may not go viral on TikTok and lead you to sell out venues in the new year. But if you act with good intentions rather than from a place of fear, you can sit comfortably with the knowledge that some things are just not meant to be, and that’s fine, too. 


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Can a Digital Detox Improve Sleep and Anxiety?: The Experiment, Benefits, Takeaways

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Not gonna lie—I don’t have the best sleep hygiene in the world. It’s gotten better over the years. I limit caffeine after the morning, try to get into bed early, and keep the lights in my house dim in the early evening. I also make sure not to do work or other stressful activities in the evening. But when it comes to screen time? Uhhhhh, yeah, I don’t really limit that at all.

As someone with an anxiety disorder and who is also in perimenopause, my sleep tends to be a bit of a mess. I typically don’t have much trouble falling asleep at night, but I wake often, and sometimes I’m up for a few hours in the middle of the night. And I definitely notice a correlation between activities like doomscrolling on my phone and frequent nighttime wake-ups.

To add insult to injury, when I sleep poorly, my anxiety tends to spike, which causes a never-ending cycle of sleeplessness and anxiousness. Not good. That’s why the idea of a nightly digital detox was intriguing to me. Something to fix my broken sleep cycles? Something to soothe my anxious soul? Sign me up.

Here, I’ll share what I learned about digital detoxes, how to do them, and what my week-long digital detox was like.

What Is a Digital Detox?

I will admit that when I first heard the term “digital detox,” I wasn’t exactly sure what it meant and what it included.

Michael S. Valdez, MD, medical director at Detox California explains that a digital detox “means avoiding screens, including smartphones, computers, and televisions, and any other digital devices that may be a source of blue light.”

Blue light is the type of light these screens emit, and research shows that it can interfere with our circadian rhythms and lead to poor sleep.

“It is common to wind down from social media, work-related emails, and any other mentally taxing sources of information that contain blue light,” Dr. Valdez explains. Eliminating these can have a positive impact on your sleep as well as your anxiety, he says. Dr. Valdez recommends starting the digital detox at least one to two hours before going to bed, to give your brain time to relax and unwind.

And my favorite thing Dr. Valdez said? It’s not all-or-nothing when it comes to doing a digital detox. “It’s perfectly OK to not be overly strict with the rules, as everyone has their lifestyles, demands, and needs,” he shared. “Even simply turning off the phone an hour or two before going to bed can make a positive impact.” The main goal here is consistency, he emphasizes.

Even simply turning off the phone an hour or two before going to bed can make a positive impact.

—
MICHAEL S. VALDEZ, MD

Benefits of a Digital Detox

So how does a digital detox positively impact sleep and anxiety? There are several tangible benefits to doing a digital detox.

Decreased Blue Light Exposure

The first benefit is the elimination of blue light in the evening hours. “Eliminating the use of digital devices in the latter half of the day drastically improves sleep quality thanks to the reduced exposure to blue light, which lowers melatonin production…” says Dr. Valdez.

Reduces Anxiety Triggers

Scrolling through your phone at night is typically not a great idea if you are prone to anxiety. It’s not just bad news (though there’s plenty of that!). It’s work emails and reminders of other obligations. It’s the stressors of social media in general. And it’s the overstimulation of your mind and thoughts.

Nervous System Shifts

By stepping away from screens, you’re “giving your nervous system a chance to shift into a calmer, more restful state,” says Tim Kleinknecht, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker and founder of Alpine Mind Therapy. This often leads to an easier time falling asleep, staying asleep, and generally feeling more grounded overall. It can also decrease your overall anxiety and boost your mental well-being.

Increased Silence

We don’t typically think of silence as a “thing,” but silence can be golden, especially at night. And it’s not just literal silence: it’s silence from the stresses and triggers from our digital devices. “Silence, combined with substitution of non-distracting content, results in relaxation as well as a seamless transition from sleepless to a restful state,” Dr. Valdez notes.

Slowing Down Thoughts

“Scrolling late at night can keep your mind in a reactive, alert state, especially if you’re reading stressful news or comparing yourself on social media,” Kleinknecht says. As such, shutting off your devices at night can slow down your thoughts or connect with thoughts in a slower, less stimulated way. This is especially helpful for people with anxiety, says Kleinknecht.

My Digital Detox Week

I’m going to be honest. I took Dr. Vadez’s advice and catered my digital detox to my lifestyle. I have found that going to sleep with the TV on is actually very soothing. My husband and I usually put on a silly sitcom from the ‘80s and ‘90s to fall asleep to. Yes, it’s a screen, but the truth is I only watch the first few minutes, and then usually drift off to sleep. So I didn’t eliminate this habit during my week of digital detox.

My real addiction is my phone and doomscrolling. Justine Carino, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor at Carino Mental Health Counseling Services, confirmed that this is common and emphasized that it’s perfectly OK to focus on detoxing from one screen at a time, typically recommending her clients start with their phones.

The phone tends to be the biggest trigger for anxiety and stress because that is where we start to look at our work emails, personal emails, and social media.

“The phone tends to be the biggest trigger for anxiety and stress because that is where we start to look at our work emails, personal emails, and social media,” Carino describes. People often get triggered by something they see on an app and then begin to ruminate about it (*raises hand!*). This increases anxiety and interferes with sleep big-time.

“I like to keep it simple and encourage them to start with one device that typically occupies their time at night before bed—which tends to be people’s phone—and put it away 30 minutes before they would like to be asleep,” she says.

My Digital Detox Experience

I decided to eliminate the use of my phone for more than the 30 minutes Carino recommends starting with. I stopped scrolling my phone for the last hour and a half of each day for a week.

One caveat here: I did end up checking my phone right before I went to sleep, because I have two kids who sometimes text at night and an elderly parent who I am a main caregiver for. But I didn’t do any scrolling, and I put the phone away for at least 90 minutes before that last check.

Here’s how it went for me:

Day 1

This was the hardest day, because breaking routines can be super challenging. What I noticed most is that I kept reaching for my phone, without even meaning to. It was literally an instinct, a reflex. I would be doing something else, and boom!—my hand would reach out for my phone. But at least I was aware of it, and I only turned on the phone once before immediately putting it back on my bedside table. Win!

Day 2

On the second day, I still found myself reaching for my phone, but it felt more like an itch than a reflex. I would have the thought that I’d like to look at my phone, but I didn’t do anything about it. I ended up hanging out with my husband and kids during the hour before bed with no phones! It was lovely and I slept very well that night.

Day 3

I noticed I did a lot better with the “phone itch” on the third day. The only issue was that I was waiting for an email from one of my kid’s teachers. I didn’t think it would come that late in the evening, but I found myself wondering if maybe it would, and distractedly wanted to reach for my phone. I ended up not checking my phone before that last check-in. Spoiler alert: no email. I ended up sleeping well despite the anxiety before bed.

Day 4

On day four, I struggled to not reach for my phone again. Blerg. There was a distressing piece of breaking news I’d seen earlier in the day and I wanted to check my phone for updates. But I didn’t! And I noticed how much more at peace I felt during those evening hours compared to other times when breaking news stressed me out.

Day 5

Day five felt like a big win. I had some fleeting moments of wanting to reach for my phone, but I felt distanced from them—like someone on the outside, looking in. I got some reading done, had a good talk with my husband, and fell asleep easily, feeling happy and satisfied. Yay!

Day 6

Day six felt like a bit of a setback, though it wasn’t really my fault. I spent the last hour and a half before bed not looking at my phone and having a good evening. Then I checked it right before bed, and there were nine missed calls from my mom’s home health aide. I had to call her and help her manage a situation with my mom (it ended up being OK, just a hassle), and I ended up falling asleep late and quite frazzled.

Day 7

As much as day six sucked, it wasn’t because of my phone addiction, and by day seven, I felt the effects of the detox the most. Not only did I not reach for my phone, but I didn’t even have the passing thought that I’d like to reach for it. I slept great that night. What’s even cooler is that in the morning, when I typically open up my phone and scroll a bit before facing the day, I had much less of a desire to do that, too, and I only scrolled for about 30 seconds before starting my day.

Should You Do a Digital Detox for Sleep and Anxiety?

Experts agree that a digital detox is a great option if you’re someone who lives with anxiety and also has sleep issues, which often go hand in hand.

“I frequently recommend nighttime digital detoxes to clients who have trouble sleeping or staying asleep,” says Dr. Valdez. “Clients with disrupted sleep patterns, high levels of stress, or an overwhelming disconnection from their personal and family time are good candidates.”

You might want to try a digital detox if you experience symptoms like trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, feeling overwhelmed most of the time, and if you’re someone who frequently checks their phone at night, say Dr. Valdez.

Takeaways

If you are thinking of trying a digital detox, but aren’t sure if it’s right for you, Kleinknecht recommends doing a trial run for two weeks. “This is something I recommend often: getting started doesn’t mean anything permanent,” he says.

Importantly, you don’t have to be perfect with your digital detox. This isn’t about deprivation or strict rule-following. “It’s really about creating a more mindful nighttime routine, one that gives your body and brain a clear signal: ‘Hey, it’s time to rest,’” Kleinknecht concludes.

It’s really about creating a more mindful nighttime routine, one that gives your body and brain a clear signal: ‘Hey, it’s time to rest.’

—
TIM KLEINKNECHT, LCSW

As for me, I think I’m going to stick to my nightly digital detox for at least another few weeks, because I think I need to do it longer to see its full effects. I’m hoping that—as I noticed on that last day—the benefits spill into my daytime hours more, and I’ll stop scrolling more during the day.

My prediction is that not only will I continue to have improved sleep and anxiety, but that I’ll be more productive and focused during work and in my interactions with others. Here’s hoping!


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